Are you the boss in your marriage?

[Night Elf]

What exactly is this asking? I've heard the question put to women. I don't feel I'm the boss. I don't think DH is the boss either. Must there be one? Is it asking who makes the decisions? What kinds of decisions? Who handles the finances? Who runs the daily duties to keep the household running?

[almondbutterandjelly]

Umm, no.  We're a team.  There is no boss.  To answer your other questions, we tend to make decisions together.  My dh tends to handle the finances as he is much better at it than me (and less work for me.  Yay!), although I do a fair amount of the spending.  I keep the schedule and generally keep the household running,  But my dh is an energizer bunny and will make dinner (if I have things prepped or decided at any rate) and fix things and he always does the dishes.

 

I do think in some relationships, there are "bosses."  My opinion is whatever works for their marriage is whatever works for their marriage.  

[TranquilMind]

I'm a "boss" in my realm.  My husband is the boss in his realm, his area of things at which he excels. But we consult each other on everything. 

 

(ETA:  "Boss" means decision-maker to me.  The one on whom the buck stops for a particular decision that needs to be made.  It does not mean tyrannical to me.)

Edited May 27, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Guest]

Gross.

[Pawz4me]

We're a partnership.  Each of us has certain areas of experience/expertise and so we tend to defer to each other in those areas.  Mostly we make collaborative decisions.  Both of us are fairly laid back and easygoing and therefore neither of us needs or wants to be the sole "boss."  I couldn't be married to a man who thought he should be, neither would I want to be married to someone who wanted me to take that role.

[Rosie_0801]

Does "boss" mean the one who does significantly less compromising?

[ktgrok]

What exactly is this asking? I've heard the question put to women. I don't feel I'm the boss. I don't think DH is the boss either. Must there be one? Is it asking who makes the decisions? What kinds of decisions? Who handles the finances? Who runs the daily duties to keep the household running?

 

I can't fathom. We both lay down our own wishes to please the other. We both try to be better people, for the other. We both try to make the other happy. No idea how a "boss" fits into that. 

[JumpyTheFrog]

My dad, unfortunately, seems to call wives who are more motivated or ambitious than their husbands "the boss" in the relationship. He seems to even use it when the husband tends to be scatterbrained or lazy and it ends up being left to the wife to make decisions or get stuff done.

[JustEm]

Does "boss" mean the one who does significantly less compromising?

That is what I would assume.

 

Neither is the boss in my marriage. We are a team and make decisions together. Very rarely do we come to a crossroads on important decisions. When that happens the person who the decision affects more generally gets their way or there is a compromise that favors that person.

 

I do know many couples where there is a clear boss and couples where there seems to constantly be a power struggle because both people want to be boss. If that works for them then good. I couldn't be in a marriage like that though.

[6packofun]

What does "Boss" entail? 

 

I find Rosie's comment interesting.  Does one wish to BE the person who "gets" to compromise less because compromise is bad or a sign of weakness?  Hmm.  Because in every marriage claiming to be a TEAM! and a partnership!! there is always compromise and if one were that interested in percentages, I'll bet it could be calculated who compromises more.  But would that be a result of pressure or some idea about roles (particularly religious roles, since that's what is being implied most of the time) or simply personality or agreement between the two parties on how to resolve really tough stuff or believing that unity and a TRUE teamwork takes priority over getting one's own way?  *shrug*  I think people like the illusion of a totally 50-50, "equal" marriage, but reality doesn't play out that way and there are seasons where one compromises more than the other for countless reasons.

Edited May 27, 2016 by 6packofun

[frogger]

I'm blessed to happen to have a man who really wants me happy. I want to have him happy too. We discuss things. I don't know how we always come to agreement. I think we just convince each other? We are pretty laid back so maybe that makes it easier to not have a boss?

[SparklyUnicorn]

We are equally averse to having to be a boss of anything.  That's not always as good as it sounds.  Sometimes we have a tough time making decisions.  Although when the shi* hits the fan we manage.  It's just comical sometimes though.  What do you want to do?  I don't know, what do you want to do?  No, I want you to choose what we do.  But I don't want to choose what we do.  LOL 

[frogger]

I want to like Rosie's comment but there is no like button on her post. There is on every other post. Strange.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I want to like Rosie's comment but there is no like button on her post. There is on every other post. Strange.

 

She is a moderator.

[BarbecueMom]

Don't know about boss, but generally nothing happens here without my say-so. DH prefers to be told what to do rather than use intuition, and I'd rather do things myself to make sure they are done right and actually get done (thanks for that life lesson, 5th grade science fair partner). If DH took charge with the budget and bills, he'd never get past coming up with the perfect spreadsheet and we'd be homeless. And he freely admits that.

[zoobie]

I want to like Rosie's comment but there is no like button on her post. There is on every other post. Strange.

 

I noticed that recently on my phone and thought it must be because EVERYONE likes Rosie.  :001_wub:

[zoobie]

I'm a "boss" in my realm.  My husband is the boss in his realm, his area of things at which he excels. But we consult each other on everything. 

 

(ETA:  "Boss" means decision-maker to me.  The one on whom the buck stops for a particular decision that needs to be made.  It does not mean tyrannical to me.)

 

Mostly this. Things that affect me more generally make me the ultimate decision maker on that and vice versa. We'd still discuss major decisions and work on them together.

[gardenmom5]

What exactly is this asking? I've heard the question put to women. I don't feel I'm the boss. I don't think DH is the boss either. Must there be one? Is it asking who makes the decisions? What kinds of decisions? Who handles the finances? Who runs the daily duties to keep the household running?

 

dh and I are a partnership, we have areas of expertise,  but  major  decisions are made together.

dh does the finances/insurance - he has degrees in finance and a background in banking.  he's currently working in the insurance industry. it allows him an extremely flexible schedule, and works far fewer  hours than when he had a 'regular' job.

and I have two kids for tech support.  I love having nerdy children .. .

[Cindy in FL.]

Does "boss" mean the one who does significantly less compromising?

I wanted to like your post, but I couldn't find the button. Then I saw that it was because you are a moderator! I don't know when that happened or how I missed it, but that's awesome!

[gardenmom5]

it's refreshing to see people are confused by a "boss" in marriage.  I assume you've never seen a couple who act this way.  that's nice.

 

my grandmother was "the boss".  i watched as my grandfather would try and say something (even in general conversation) and she'd talk over him until he turned  his head and stopped talking.  it was painful for the child me to see, as I adored him.    she controlled the finances, and did what she wanted with their money  (she was extremely frugal, but not remotely financially savvy).   she even up and bought a house in a different part of the city for what were racist reasons.  (they'd lived where they were for nearly 10 years, and were within half a block of two of her sisters). after retirement, my grandfather wanted to travel (they had the money), but she refused.  she did bestow lavish/large sums of money on my sister. my grandfather had no  say (I'm not going into why I know that.)

 

 

[Seasider]

OP, I am curious, from where/whom did you hear this term that prompted you to ask?

[creekland]

We're a partnership.  Each of us has certain areas of experience/expertise and so we tend to defer to each other in those areas.  Mostly we make collaborative decisions.  Both of us are fairly laid back and easygoing and therefore neither of us needs or wants to be the sole "boss."  I couldn't be married to a man who thought he should be, neither would I want to be married to someone who wanted me to take that role.

 

Same here, so copying yours saves me some typing!

 

I do know many couples where there is a clear boss and couples where there seems to constantly be a power struggle because both people want to be boss. If that works for them then good. I couldn't be in a marriage like that though.

 

Same here too.  I doubt I would survive in marriages like those.  At least the marriage wouldn't survive.

 

I'm the boss at school in my classes (and to some extent, even with admin as I can get my way most of the time).  I don't want that relationship at home.  Even with my kids (from teen age on), we're more of a team.  Heck, I build teamwork with my classes at school too.  The kids love it and it saves me from having to do discipline!

 

The reason I think I don't get along with most medical folks (mainly doctors) is 'cause they take a "boss" role by the nature of their job and that clashes with my natural personality.  The few I do get along with have ended up more similar to teams where each of our expertises and thoughts are respected.  It can happen.  My BP reading was right in the normal range when meeting with the hand surgeon (a dr I've come to like) last time, and that was right before surgery.  Usually though I can expect pretty high readings at those appts presumably because my brain/body builds up for battle (not sure that's the word I want, but it's what comes to mind).

 

A marriage like that would be doomed or my life would be short due to the pressure/stress.

[Janeway]

We are both bosses. We both vote and we both veto. 

[Arcadia]

Hubby would joking say "She's the boss" when with me. It just means whatever choice works better for me because he is the more easy going one. Also it gives him an out because wives are "allowed" to be more picky. For example choosing a piano or cello. If I say it is not good enough, no one gives me grief. People would give him a look like he is a scrooge if he says the same thing.

[Cinder]

I don't even know what that means. It just conjures up an image of a little kid yelling, "You're not the boss of me!" 

[Katy]

There is no boss.  We generally defer to the other if it's in a realm the other knows more about.  We do get into disagreements about who knows more about one realm or the other though.  Generally for every disagreement, either one of us says "It doesn't matter that much to me," or we discuss every possible consequence until we are both on the same page.

 

I can't imagine having a bossy or parent/child romantic relationship and having it last long.  Eventually you grow up and stop needing bossing.

[Janie Grace]

No boss. There is division of labor, but we are partners and confer on decisions. When we disagree, we seek compromise.

[Bluegoat]

I don't think we really work that way, we are both fairly opinionated about some things and mellow about others.

 

I've known relationships where there is some sort of boss.  I wouldn't say they are all necessarily negative - sometimes one person is just much more of a manager, or high strung.  A room-mate of mine had parents a bit like that - her dad was totally mellow, her mom not so much.  They seemed to work well together though.  Other times, I have seen it where one person is a bit of a bully.  Or even just has a very large personality - my Nana was a bit like that.  She and my grandad had in some ways a difficult marriage, from both sides, but one aspect was that she was just a very large personality and tended to run over him, and other people, at times, without erally even noticing.

 

I'm not sure if I've ever seen the version where the couple considedrs one person the boss, as in always the leader in the marriage.

[mamiof5]

Who has asked that? I just can't picture it...like in what type of scenario would it be OK to ask that? Our marriage is a partnership, no bosses here 😉

[BarbecueMom]

Hmm, I guess I'm thinking off "boss" as "person who comes up with the ideas for discussing", the lead person on business meetings, so to speak. That's all on me. We research and discuss and decide together, but the initial ideas and propositions come from me 99% of the time. He's idea'd out after work.

 

For instance, we talked a couple weeks ago about someday building a terraced garden on our backyard slope. But that idea will never see the light of day again until the moment I say, "Hey, you think we should start that garden soon?" I wouldn't go out and spend a bunch of money and time on it without his input (and vice versa), but it's not coming out of cold storage in his head without my future prodding.

[Guest]

Nope. I've heard this sentiment and disagree with it. My husband and I work together and talk things out. Much of the household and child rearing choices he prefers I handle. But in our marriage the buck stops with him. Ultimately he is the one responsible for our family's welfare and I assist him in that task (complementarian marriage) because we are w family. We each have roles and responsibilities, but if push comes to shove and we disagree his opinion is the one that ultimately stands.

 

I can count on one hand the times in our marriage we have had serious disagreements where I've had to submit to him and just deal, usually we work together seamlessly in our various areas for the good of our whole family unit. But the boss? This isn't an employer/employee setup and nobody is a dictator, thankfully!

[Night Elf]

OP, I am curious, from where/whom did you hear this term that prompted you to ask?

 

Funny thing, but I heard it asked on a game show. The guy was a married man and he said his wife was the boss. That wasn't the first time I've ever heard it. I was just curious how others saw it.

[Seasider]

I see. I was wondering whether you'd heard it in a positive or negative context. Sounds like it was in the form of humor/conversation that would include such descriptors as "the little woman," etc.

 

I was deep down wondering if you'd heard it from a religious organization. Cuz that seems to be a popular issue these days.

[foxbridgeacademy]

We are definitely a team. Although I am the organizer/planner/scheduler/motivator for the entire family, but I have been continuously elected to the position and would be happy to give up the job if DH ever wanted it.

[Night Elf]

I see. I was wondering whether you'd heard it in a positive or negative context. Sounds like it was in the form of humor/conversation that would include such descriptors as "the little woman," etc.

 

I was deep down wondering if you'd heard it from a religious organization. Cuz that seems to be a popular issue these days.

 

No, nothing religious. And I can't think if I've heard it asked more of married women or married men, but I do think that most of the responses are always that the wife is the boss. I just can't relate to that. I guess because DH and I seem to want the same things. In 20 years of marriage, we've only disagreed about two things. And we talked them out and came to a decision without harsh feelings. I just don't see either of us in that role.

[FaithManor]

This would be weird for us. We have always functioned as a team, and neither one is "in charge" per se. Maybe it is just our temperaments or something, but we don't really have the boss thing or the leader/follower thing going on. It is pretty easy going here. I don't think I'd be cut out for it to be any other way.

 

[LucyStoner]

We each defer to each other when one person has expertise or special knowledge in a particular area. We jointly make most decisions.

 

I've known and unfortunately still know families where one is the defacto boss, usually because one person just exerts their will on the other. In heterosexual marriages, sometimes this is the wife and other times it is the husband. My husbands family was a lot like this. His parents had a marriage like that (husband took charge of everything without listening to other ideas) and his maternal grandparents were like that (grandma ruled the roost there). So it's not an unfamiliar dynamic, but I'd never be able to live like that regardless of if I were the boss or the bossed.

[Katy]

The other day there was a guy at the gas station wearing a shirt that said:

 

 

I'M THE BOSS

my wife said I could have a turn

[kewb]

Is this the same as "Who wears the pants in the family?" 

 

I don't think either of us is the boss.  We each have an area of expertise.  I will defer to him and he will defer to me.  Some decisions are a group effort and others are a "do whatever the heck you want, I don't care"

Edited May 27, 2016 by kewb

[BlsdMama]

What exactly is this asking? I've heard the question put to women. I don't feel I'm the boss. I don't think DH is the boss either. Must there be one? Is it asking who makes the decisions? What kinds of decisions? Who handles the finances? Who runs the daily duties to keep the household running?

 

 

That's a weird question.  Who asked it and how is her marriage?

 

ETA: I think this is apart from religious leadership and I think it's apart from "discussing/debating" decisions.  Is it essentially who has the final say so?  

 

I guess it depends on the scenario.  DH defers to my research decisions on homeschooling.  He doesn't ask me before applying for a new role at work unless it means a move.  We debate/discuss a lot.  I'm always surprised by people who DON'T disagree.  Really?  For example, you always agree which plant should be planted in the front yard?  Which tree?  Which color for the living room?  Your new bedspread? Which mattress?  I'd say all of these has come up in the last year.  Tree- me, plant - compromise, color - me with him being a willing adventurous soul, mattress - him... These things vary.  I don't understand constant agreement either, lol. Edited further to add, but I think neither DH nor I have very "soft" temperaments.  We're moderates I think... 

Edited May 27, 2016 by BlsdMama

[BlsdMama]

I see. I was wondering whether you'd heard it in a positive or negative context. Sounds like it was in the form of humor/conversation that would include such descriptors as "the little woman," etc.

 

I was deep down wondering if you'd heard it from a religious organization. Cuz that seems to be a popular issue these days.

 

 

Well, and the last 7,000 or so years.

[Murphy101]

We are bossless. What with this not being a corporation or a business.

 

I'm so confused by these conversations.

 

Concepts that we just don't have in this house.

 

We have a family.

 

What does the family need?

 

Okay. Let's make that happen.

 

That's the sum total of our management system.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Murphy101

[Arcadia]

And I can't think if I've heard it asked more of married women or married men, but I do think that most of the responses are always that the wife is the boss.

I hear that for family car and home sales. If the wife agree to the choice, sale is fast. If the wife disagree, the couple walk.

[staceyobu]

DH has a theory that in most marriages, one member has the more dominant personality. We started naming couples we knew, and we could both easily name the more "dominating" person in the relationship. DH's theory is that for a happy marriage, the dominating person needs to realize that they have a tendency to run the show and make sure they are considerate. He says you need to work against your natural tendencies to an extent. Which, probably has a lot of truth. My natural tendency is to be selfish, lol.

[Meadowlark]

We are equally averse to having to be a boss of anything.  That's not always as good as it sounds.  Sometimes we have a tough time making decisions.  Although when the shi* hits the fan we manage.  It's just comical sometimes though.  What do you want to do?  I don't know, what do you want to do?  No, I want you to choose what we do.  But I don't want to choose what we do.  LOL 

Omigosh-that is SO us! I feel like I make decisions all day long and sometimes I just don't want to make one more darn decision! Take me to any restaurant in this city...I don't care! 

[Murphy101]

But who is dominate can be very deceptive.

 

Publicly, I might seem the dominate one. I tend to use lots of I statements and royal we references.

But the truth of the matter is that while my dh might present as a jovial quiet man, he is far, far, FAR more stubborn than me and anyone who thinks I have ever been able to "make" him do something he didn't want doesn't know him very well. He won't argue about it, pitch a fit, or be unpleasant, he will nod and make nice - but make no mistake, he is doing what he thinks is best anyways. Whereas I might just say, "wth?! No that's not going to happen, we are doing this." And someone might think that blunt honesty means I'm the dominate one. But what they don't notice is how often dh is the one that made the decision. He just might have failed to mention it to anyone. But because we almost never oppose each other publicly and never criticize each other publicly - no one ever sees that.

 

ETA: And also, despite our marriage views, the truth is, he makes all the money and can do whatever he wants whether I like it or not. Luckily we don't have a marriage where he would and I can trust that. But any so called "control" I might have is an illusion, like it almost always usually is in any relationship.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Murphy101

[bolt.]

I dont like the language games around "boss" because it implies things about our relationship that just aren't true. We are partnered, and we are equals. We each have our individuality, our personal boundaries, and the expectation that we will be treated with respect.

 

However, I am much more likely to take initiative, make plans, propose what we should do (and why), make purchases, book vacations, make decisions for the kids, manage finances, plan for our retirement, do our taxes, etc. He usually defers to me, and I am accustomed to that dynamic. He doesn't really want much information. Sometimes I barely check in on mid-level decisions -- which isn't respectful, and I'm working on it. (We always discuss the very important things, but that usually ends up with him seeing it my way and agreeing with everything anyhow.)

 

I think that might mean that I live like the boss -- but only because a DH prefers a co-operative and agreeable role in family life. He knows that I live more closely with the kids, the money and the house -- and he really thinks I have excellent judgement.

[Guest]

But who is dominate can be very deceptive.

 

Publicly, I might seem the dominate one. I tend to use lots of I statements and royal we references.

But the truth of the matter is that while my dh might present as a jovial quiet man, he is far, far, FAR more stubborn than me and anyone who thinks I have ever been able to "make" him do something he didn't want doesn't know him very well. He won't argue about it, pitch a fit, or be unpleasant, he will nod and make nice - but make no mistake, he is doing what he thinks is best anyways. Whereas I might just say, "wth?! No that's not going to happen, we are doing this." And someone might think that blunt honesty means I'm the dominate one. But what they don't notice is how often dh is the one that made the decision. He just might have failed to mention it to anyone. But because we almost never oppose each other publicly and never criticize each other publicly - no one ever sees that.

 

ETA: And also, despite our marriage views, the truth is, he makes all the money and can do whatever he wants whether I like it or not. Luckily we don't have a marriage where he would and I can trust that. But any so called "control" I might have is an illusion, like it almost always usually is in any relationship.

I may has married your husband's twin :rofl:

[AK_Mom4]

I'm the Boss of Me.

DH is the Boss of Him.

 

We collaborate on everything else.  There is give and take at various times, sharing of responsibilities and chores as well as benefits.  I don't think this is unusual in our friend group, though it looks different now that our kids are older.  When kids were little and highly dependent, one parent or the other was making more decisions regarding kids - depending on who was with them at the time.

 

Now the kids are older and take part in the collaborative running of the household to a certain extent.  You don't get a full voice in the proceedings unless you are also contributing an "adult share" of the workload.

[J-rap]

I don't like the word "boss" as far as relationships go, because it implies that one person gets to tell the other person what to do.  I personally never hear that word describing someone in a marriage.  Now, I do think that some personalities tend to be more comfortable with leading or planning or taking charge, and as long as both partners are comfortable with that and as long as the "leader" is also a good listener and open to change, that's fine.