Someone says that DD is too dependent on me. Is this ok?

[Ann.without.an.e]

I think it is a personality thing and not a patenting issue because my 8th grader and 9th grader aren't nearly so dependent on me. Dd leans on me a lot. We are very close - like BFF close. She "gets" me and I "get" her. When she is away she texts me...a lot. Pics of what they are doing, interesting stuff, etc. She seeks advice from me and tells me about everything. It was noted to me by someone else that this isn't normal for a high school girl and that I am feeding a bad habit. This person implored me to let her go for her own good. I definitely want what is best for her in the long run with life. I don't want our closeness to hinder her in some way. At the same time, I'm not sure that having a tight relationship with mom is hindering. Any thoughts? I'm putting this in high school and not in chat because I just don't think someone with only little kids can truly understand this situation.

 

Eta: I feel like I will need to define what this person means by "let her go" - this person wants me to refuse to text dd so much and to ignore her about 50% of the time. The fact that dd texts me and I'm quick to respond makes dd too dependent on me? I just don't know that I agree?

Edited May 6, 2016 by Attolia

[Haiku]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being emotionally close with your dd. I would just make sure that she's not too dependent on you in terms of being able to accomplish typical teen tasks independently. For example, assuming she's in grade 10 or above, she should be able to schedule her own social events, schedule her schoolwork, do her own laundry, and solve her own daily life issues. If she is relying on your to buffer her against responsibility, that would be an issue I would think needs attention.

 

We had to push my dd pretty hard, starting in 10th grade, to take responsibility for her own daily life. She didn't like it, but she learned. 

 

Here is the first example that came to mind: my dd would wait until she was literally out of pads before informing me she needed some. After a few mad-dash rushes to the store to resupply, I told dd that when she opened the last pack, she had to write on the grocery list that she needed a new supply. If she didn't, I probably wouldn't remember to purchase them. It did take her two bicycle trips to the nearest drugstore with toilet paper stuffed in her pants before she figured out she needed to be responsible in this manner.

 

Sorry if that's a weird example; it's just the first that came to mind and is emblematic of the many small ways in which we had to really push my dd to take responsibility for herself.

 

I see no reason why you need to ignore texts from your dd. That just seems weird.

[TranquilMind]

I think it is a personality thing and not a patenting issue because my 8th grader and 9th grader aren't nearly so dependent on me. Dd leans on me a lot. We are very close - like BFF close. She "gets" me and I "get" her. When she is away she texts me...a lot. Pics of what they are doing, interesting stuff, etc. She seeks advice from me and tells me about everything. It was noted to me by someone else that this isn't normal for a high school girl and that I am feeding a bad habit. This person implored me to let her go for her own good. I definitely want what is best for her in the long run with life. I don't want our closeness to hinder her in some way. At the same time, I'm not sure that having a tight relationship with mom is hindering. Any thoughts? I'm putting this in high school and not in chat because I just don't think someone with only little kids can truly understand this situation.

 

Eta: I feel like I will need to define what this person means by "let her go" - this person wants me to refuse to text dd so much and to ignore her about 50% of the time. The fact that dd texts me and I'm quick to respond makes dd too dependent on me? I just don't know that I agree?

Totally a personality thing. I would smile and nod and say that I am working our my relationship with my kids, just as person is.

 

I have one that could be dropped off on a desert island, who would dominate and conquer all, and let us know afterward.

 

I have others who would not. Same parents. Personality.

[regentrude]

I do not see anything wrong in a close relationship between mother and daughter.

My college DD calls me almost daily to chat. That does not mean she is dependent on me, just that we enjoy talking to each other.

Sometimes she asks our advice or opinion, but she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. She is managing just fine living in another city.

[MomatHWTK]

If it is your spouse, then I would consider the opinion. Perhaps he is expressing frustration that you stop what you are doing to respond immediately- it probably is OK to not be tied to your texts.

 

If it is anyone other than your spouse- ignore them. Not their child, not their business.

[Ann.without.an.e]

[quote name="TranquilMind" post="6985500" timestamp

 

I have one that could be dropped off on a desert island, who would dominate and conquer all, and let us know afterward.

 

I have others who would not. Same parents. Personality.

 

Yes! When my ds goes to college I will probably never hear from him. When this dd goes she will probably call or text daily and when my third goes I imagine she'll be somewhere in between.

[Ann.without.an.e]

If it is your spouse, then I would consider the opinion. Perhaps he is expressing frustration that you stop what you are doing to respond immediately- it probably is OK to not be tied to your texts.

 

If it is anyone other than your spouse- ignore them. Not their child, not their business.

Not my spouse ðŸ‘ðŸ»

[Ann.without.an.e]

Does she have other friends as well? I think that makes a difference.

Yes she does. She is not the kind of kid who has a million friends. She is on the quiet side but she does have close friends.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hogwash.

 

I was fairly close to my mother.  I never went through the "my parents are so embarrassing I don't want to be seen in public with them" phase that a lot of kids seem to go through.  It never stopped me from pursuing what I wanted to pursue.  She passed away when I was 28 and while of course that's not easy to deal with for anyone, it has not turned me into a useless pile of goo. 

 

We didn't have cell phones and texting when I was at that age, but I imagine I would have done something similar. 

 

But geesh, as already stated, not anyone's business but yours.  Imagine how your daughter would feel if you purposefully ignored her for no good reason?  I think that is pretty mean. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't even like talking on the phone in general, but my mother was the one person I could talk to for hours on the phone.

 

I find it very odd that people don't consider family members as real people.

[Mama Geek]

Parent of a little kid over here being nosey, but for what it is worth I text and call my mom on a  daily basis and send her pics and ask her advice.  Next to dh she is my best friend.  Enjoy it and love your kids.

[mumto2]

I talk to my mom every day and am incredibly grateful for technology that allows me to do it inexpensively. I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Janeway]

I think this person is in the wrong. And who is SHE to tell you the right and wrong way to raise your child??? It is ok for your child to be close to someone, just not you. Your daughter can text friends constantly, just not her own mom? That sound so backward!

[summerreading]

I think this is so sweet and not a problem at all.

She likes you as a person, congrats!

[Tanaqui]

If you were the person pushing her to be closer and be closer, then this person might have a point. Or if your daughter had NO other friends her age, or based on common interests, then that might be a concern. Or if she wasn't capable of handling anything on her own, like schoolwork or basic chores.

 

If none of these things is the case, though, I'd ignore it. Chalk it all up to sour grapes.

[Haiku]

I don't even like talking on the phone in general, but my mother was the one person I could talk to for hours on the phone.

 

I used to talk to my mom every day. She would visit at least once a week to have lunch with the kids and me. Now she is having a ton of health problems that she doesn't want to discuss (even though I don't bug her about them) and she is starting to have some age-related mental issues, so she keeps our conversations to a minimum. I call her three times a week but she only answers once, and she never returns the messages I leave her. I actually think that if I called and left a message saying, "Your grandchild was in a horrific accident and is in the hospital," she would probably call me back, but I'm not 100% sure. My mom and I have always had a very good relationship, and I treasure that even more now that she's making it difficult for me to stay close to her. About once every two months she will have lunch with us. That's about all I get these days. :(

[creekland]

Speaking as one who sees oodles of students IRL in high school, those who are remain close to their parents often do quite well in life.  I wouldn't worry.

 

Personally, I miss not having my teenage years with my mom (due to my dad poisoning my thoughts about her).  I'll never get those back - nor will she.

 

I'm thrilled when my kids call, text, or e-mail sharing the great things and the everyday things in their lives.  It's part of our family.  

 

Enjoy.

[Grantmom]

Incidentally, I'm nearly 44 years old, and I still call and talk with my mother for about an hour each day. Funny how at my age it is a lauded act, but in a teen girl it is scoffed at.

 

 

Parent of a little kid over here being nosey, but for what it is worth I text and call my mom on a  daily basis and send her pics and ask her advice.  Next to dh she is my best friend.  Enjoy it and love your kids.

 

I agree!  I think it is sweet and wonderful that you have such a close relationship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it!  (And to be honest, even it were a "parenting" thing, YOU are the parent and you get to decide how to parent your kids!)  But that's not a parenting thing, that's just a close relationship with your daughter.  There is this push to make sure teens are independent and can be self-sufficient and not need our help and I personally think it's hogwash.  We all need people.  We all need each other.  No man (or woman) is an island.  :)  

[Garga]

That person doesn't know what s/he is talking about. Not in the slightest. Ignore everything that person says. Honestly, s/he's telling you to ignore your teenager 50% of the time? What a maroon!

 

My mom was tied as my bff when I was in high school. I loved spending time with her. She is one of the very few people on this planet who really "get" me. Honestly, there are only 2 people that I can say that about in this entire world.

 

Treasure your time with your daughter and ignore what the other person is saying.

 

Though, I do agree with the others above to be sure your daughter can handle her own responsibilities. She can be close to you, but she does need to be able to handle her life (scheduling things, getting stuff done on a deadline, etc.)

 

Oh--and also as long as you're able to guide her when she needs guidance. Perhaps the person is worried that if you have to lay day the law about something (dating or something) that the girl will see you as a friend and not an authority figure and will ignore you and end up in trouble?

 

I think I'd ask the person why s/he has said these things to you.

Edited May 6, 2016 by Garga

[SparklyUnicorn]

I used to talk to my mom every day. She would visit at least once a week to have lunch with the kids and me. Now she is having a ton of health problems that she doesn't want to discuss (even though I don't bug her about them) and she is starting to have some age-related mental issues, so she keeps our conversations to a minimum. I call her three times a week but she only answers once, and she never returns the messages I leave her. I actually think that if I called and left a message saying, "Your grandchild was in a horrific accident and is in the hospital," she would probably call me back, but I'm not 100% sure. My mom and I have always had a very good relationship, and I treasure that even more now that she's making it difficult for me to stay close to her. About once every two months she will have lunch with us. That's about all I get these days. :(

 

Oh I'm sorry. That is hard.

[frogger]

I agree with the above posters. If it were a responsibility thing where she needed to learn how to handle things like schedules, laundry, or schoolwork then I would say something different.

 

It sounds like you are talking about relationship though and that you are close therefore I must conclude this person knows nothing or is jealous. Your daughter trusts you and depends on you as a friend. What parent would want to change that?

[Sebastian (a lady)]

This is pretty strange advice unless you are in the position of doing things for your dd that she ought to be doing.  I'm thinking of things like communicating with teachers and coaches, where sometimes helicopter parents insert themselves into the student-teacher relationship when they shouldn't.

 

Other than that, I don't think it is a problem.  Would this friend of yours want you to ignore 50% of her calls and emails?  Does she have a particular plan for which of her communications you ought to ignore?

[SparklyUnicorn]

And really if she were TOO dependent, she wouldn't go away anywhere without you.  That she texts you during that time, so what.  Obviously she can manage to go places without you.

 

And ya know, these days wherever I go people are glued to their phones.  They are probably texting loved ones.  Taking pictures.  Blah blahing on-line.  I would not chalk this up to her having some issue being without you.  She's just doing what everyone does.

 

 

[Professormom]

A teen with a close relationship to a parent is not unhealthy, it is special and lovely. You have already clarified that she has friends (of whom you are one:-), handles her life, and that you are not forcing this out of her. Unless you are interrupting your own conversations repeatedly to say "Cool" to each of her texts, then I can't even imagine someone having this kind of opinion. Not their business :D

 

Enjoy your daughter:-)

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not to be a total sap here, but cherish the time you do have with someone.  If you have an extra special bond, that's not something to worry about.  That's something to savor.  Life is short.  My mother died when she was only 49.  I would have loved for her to get to know my kids.  That didn't happen, but we had a good relationship when I was growing up and I felt close to her and so at least I had that.  I had no regrets or feeling of not getting to know her. 

[goldberry]

 this person wants me to refuse to text dd so much and to ignore her about 50% of the time. The fact that dd texts me and I'm quick to respond makes dd too dependent on me? 

 

It sounds like you enjoy a great relationship, not a dependency issue.  But even if there was one... that's the worst advice on how to handle it I've ever heard.  To me that tells right up front this is not a person I would be listening to.

Edited May 6, 2016 by goldberry

[goldberry]

I have an extrovert daughter that part of her joy in anything is telling all those close to her about it.  She tells me too, and I'm glad. She likes to share, and thankfully I am still someone she wants to share with.  

 

Sharing doesn't equal dependency.  

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah imagine this same advice when referring to anyone in your life.  Oh...your friend there she is getting too attached...you should ignore her half the time at least.  Hubby texting?  Oh...beat that dependence down..ignore him half the time. 

 

What the...

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

Well, if it is a problem, then I have one too.  My oldest considers me one of her best friends, and I feel the same.  We talk about everything under the sun, and she texts me quite a bit too.  She's not socially hindered (she has a gazillion friends, a good job, does well in college and has a boyfriend).  We are just close.  Our personalities mesh well.  

I don't have that same sort of relationship with my younger two.  We have a good relationship, but they are pretty typical "Mom is embarrassing sometimes, and I can't wait to move out" teens.

[Julie of KY]

Treasure your relationship with your daughter - it sounds really special. As long as she's growing up and becoming independent, there is nothing wrong with also having a great relationship with mom. It doesn't sound like she's co-dependent on you.

 

 

[wintermom]

Eta: I feel like I will need to define what this person means by "let her go" - this person wants me to refuse to text dd so much and to ignore her about 50% of the time. The fact that dd texts me and I'm quick to respond makes dd too dependent on me? I just don't know that I agree?

 

How would someone know how often you text another person? Why would someone care how often you text your dd. It's none of their business.  I'd take this advice, but for this person themself. Ignore them 50% of the time - at least. ;)   Your communication style with your dd is between you and her.

[Bluegoat]

Yes she does. She is not the kind of kid who has a million friends. She is on the quiet side but she does have close friends.

 

I would not likely think anything of it then.  Some people just have a tighter circle, and often family is a big part of that circle - it takes them so long to get close to people.

 

More important would be whether you feel comfortable having so much access to her life, or whether you think she might struggle with feeling like she is witholding if there comes a time when she wants more privacy.  But I would cross that bride when I came to it.

 

I do have a relative who was very close with her mother, and later there came a time when one had to set a few boundaries.  Not because there was any bad intent, but there was a need to change habits.  But to me that is just life.

[texasmama]

The person needs to butt out.  I think you and your dd are just fine.  My college girl and I are very close.  I am the first person she calls when she has a question or problem.  We actually don't talk every day just because of both of our schedules.  But I am glad she feels that way.  When my mom was living, I always felt that she was accessible to me, which provided a huge amount of security, well into my 30's.  

[madteaparty]

I think you are lucky, enjoy.

Most people, when giving unsolicited advice, are actually talking about themselves :)

[J-rap]

I'd ignore that woman.  She's maybe a little jealous!  I probably had that kind of relationship with all of my children at one time or another, depending on the stage they were going through.  I think nearly all of them (with the exception of one -- my extreme extrovert) went through periods of not having super close friends, and so I became their best friend during those periods.  I was happy to be there for them.   I always tried to model confident/independent behavior and encouraged them to venture out on their own and take risks now and then.  They have all grown up to be very independent adults who still keep in great contact with me, which I love.  I am still the first person they call in a crisis.  :)   I wouldn't worry about her not having close friends right now either.  As I said, nearly ALL of my kids went through that, and as long as they are happy and have a close relationship with you, they'll be fine and will eventually find a time when they have their own close circle of friends.

 

 

[RootAnn]

She's maybe a little jealous!

:iagree: I had this thought, too.

 

I will only add that there are some situations where this type of reliance might be due to anxiety and I'd give different advice in that circumstance. It doesn't sound like it from what you've written here, though. Enjoy your close relationship!

[kolamum]

I don't have a daughter, much less a teenage daughter. I do however, have 4 teenage nieces {some are actually older then teen} they are all very very close with their Mum & each other. It has not hindered them from anything. One is married & holds a job; another has moved out of state & works in the medical field; a third moved away for university purposes. They still talk all the time. It's not abnormal during a visit for Mum's phone to go off & it be any one, if not all, of the girls.

I think it's odd for people who aren't use to a close knit family to understand that. I wouldn't say I'm that close with my own family, but my own children are that close to hubby & I. They check-in all the time {not required}, my eldest will send messages {& photos} all the time. It's just how it goes for us. Will it remain that way when he's off & on his own? I dunno, but I don't shame him or discourage it either. ;)

[Splash]

It can be a sign of anxiety and not wanting to take personal responsibility.  I have two dd's who are now 17 and almost 15.  The younger one and I have an extremely close relationship and always have.  We just connect.  However she has gone through some pretty rough things in the past few years that have made her very anxious.  She would text me or call me constantly on when I'd be home, even when her dad and sister were with her etc. and all I was doing was picking up a sibling or picking up a few groceries.  She got to the point where she was fearful about being anywhere without me.  That is when it became unhealthy and a sign that the closeness and wanting to share things wasn't the reason to be in contact, fear was the reason.We are now working on a reasonable level of contacting me and being okay with my saying I can't talk right now unless it is really important but I will be available at : time.  I also have a white board posted with schedule, where I'll be and with whom so she knows what to expect.  It has helped.  She was resisting growing up and thought of herself as much younger than she actually was.  It was safer in her very scary world of chronic illness.  Through a lot of work on her part this past winter and spring she is age appropriate, coping with things better and looking forward to growing up and taking on more adult responsibilities knowing I'm going to be right there when she needs me.  It has been empowering for her.  We are still very close, talk a lot and genuinely like each other.  I am/was close to my mom as well.  I just tell her I can't be her only friend that she needs more than just me.

 

It is hard to say from what you posted if there is actually something more going on or if you're just close.  Only you and your dh with be able to answer that question.

[elegantlion]

People probably say that about my son and me. We're close, we commute to college together, so we're sharing more peer-centered activities than mother & son ones. We actually like each other as people. I also talk to my mother almost daily, she is one of my best friends. We've been close most of my life, she is more like a sister in many ways. 

 

So stuff it to what people say. 

[lllll]

:grouphug:

Edited May 10, 2016 by _ ?^..

[rlestina]

Sounds like you have a good, healthy relationship with your DD, and the person giving you advice is either uninformed, deluded, or just plain jealous.  No matter, that person's motives, their advice is *horrible* and you should absolutely ignore it!

 

I have teen children, and I have very close relationships with them - some more than others, depending on their personalities.  But I've seen that kind of close family relationship with a lot of homeschoolers - I've always thought that was one of the perks of homeschooling. 

 

The idea that the relationship between teens and parents somehow should be tense or distant or adversarial  is to my mind one of the great false assumptions in our society right now.  If anything, teens with good relationships with adults in general and one or both parents in particular should have an easier time transitioning to a secure adulthood, because they have people they trust to turn to for advice.

 

Cherish your relationship with your DD, and ignore the advice those who ask you to betray her trust - because, that's really what they are suggesting you do when they tell you to push her away and ignore her.

[Ellie]

If it is your spouse, then I would consider the opinion. Perhaps he is expressing frustration that you stop what you are doing to respond immediately- it probably is OK to not be tied to your texts.

 

If it is anyone other than your spouse- ignore them. Not their child, not their business.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Arctic Bunny]

Not a parent of teens (yet) either. But isn't the parenting advice we always hear that we should keep communication open, they should feel like they should come talk to us, etc? Here I am, so pleased that my boys tell me nightly about their day... Am I doing it all wrong? ;)

[Ellie]

I think it is a personality thing and not a patenting issue because my 8th grader and 9th grader aren't nearly so dependent on me. Dd leans on me a lot. We are very close - like BFF close. She "gets" me and I "get" her. When she is away she texts me...a lot. Pics of what they are doing, interesting stuff, etc. She seeks advice from me and tells me about everything. It was noted to me by someone else that this isn't normal for a high school girl and that I am feeding a bad habit. This person implored me to let her go for her own good. I definitely want what is best for her in the long run with life. I don't want our closeness to hinder her in some way. At the same time, I'm not sure that having a tight relationship with mom is hindering. Any thoughts? I'm putting this in high school and not in chat because I just don't think someone with only little kids can truly understand this situation.

 

Eta: I feel like I will need to define what this person means by "let her go" - this person wants me to refuse to text dd so much and to ignore her about 50% of the time. The fact that dd texts me and I'm quick to respond makes dd too dependent on me? I just don't know that I agree?

 

Someone "implored" you? Seriously?

 

Although your dd's behavior might not be "normal" in today's world, I suspect it might have been normal in earlier times. I don't see anything wrong with it...as long as she doesn't want you to go on her honeymoon with her and her new hubby!

 

OTOH, there is such a thing as excessive texting in general. When she's out with friends, seems to me she should be enjoying that rather than texting. Her mother. And also, if you are interrupting your own activities, especially when *you* are with friends, then you're being, well, rude, IMHO. So the texting thing in general might be something that y'all might work on. Which does not mean that you and your dd are too close, only that you've been sucked into Texting H*ll, lol.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Ellie

[daijobu]

I think you have a lovely relationship with your dd.  I would only be concerned IF her texting with you occurs at the expense of interacting with her friends IRL.  My dd had a friend like that, and it was annoying.  The girls would be out at the mall or something and chatting, while one girl would be staring at her phone, texting her mom, ignoring the other girls.  I have no idea if this is the situation with your dd though.  In any case, your friend should MYOB.  (It would never occur to me to lecture this girl's mother.)