If you allow your teen to date...range of opinions wanted

[Chris in VA]

We are considering allowing dd to start dating. "Dating" refers to going out with a young man, probably in a car, unchaperoned, for several hours on a weekend night (prob Friday or Saturday as she often has youth group on Sunday). I'm not sure what her curfew will be, but I'm leaning towards an early curfew until she has a few good experiences with "towing the line," so maybe 10ish. Enough time to go see a movie and get dinner, or have some time to talk to get to know a person.

 

She has some experience that I'd rather not go in to, but some of you know about; we are being more cautious than we otherwise would have.

 

She is interested in a young man (newly 18) from school; they jumped the "dating" gun (at school), but have pulled back. He is going into the military and will not be around after July or so (boot camp, then whatever--Air Force). He seems nice--high academic standards, high standards of dress in his family, not of our faith (or any) but in general, a good guy by all accounts. I'm open to being convinced he is someone I want my dd around, IYKWIM. So, it will probably be him who takes her out first.

 

We have told her about consent, and she's heard a lot about waiting for certain experiencing, and knows all about texting pics and such.

 

SO--

What do YOU do to prepare your teen for dating (for those who allow it--if you don't and are into courtship, feel free to pass)? Do you have any rules? Curfew? Do you insist on anything (meeting parents? I don't think we will, but I'd be open to hearing about it)?

 

 

[cjzimmer1]

This is not something we have dealt with as my kids simply aren't interested yet so no BTDT but personally for a daughter I would want the young man to spend some time getting to know the whole family before going on private dates.  Something like coming over for a pizza and game night.  So hopefully not too stressful of a situation for the young man but where we the parents could get to know him and see how he interacts with DD before turning them loose so to speak. 

[Chris in VA]

Good point. His parents offered to do a "double date" with them, but we did not allow it at the time because of her age and because of some other circumstances surrounding the nature of the relationship at the time. BUT--I will run this by dh.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm totally no there yet.  Ten is rather early though.  That might not be enough time for dinner and a movie.  I think 16 is not too young for dating. 

 

 

[Night Elf]

My preference is for group dates first, where several people get together to hang out and isn't necessarily a group of couples. That has made both of my daughters comfortable. My youngest dd said at her school, going on a date means going steady. So the very first time they go out together alone means they are in a relationship.

 

My curfew was 11:00 and both were really fine with that. They were both 16 when they started dating.

[MegP]

I would be cautious of her getting to know and liking someone who is going to be leaving for a long time in three months.

[HomeAgain]

We approach dating as a non-religious thing, but our talks and our rules are pretty basic:

 

1. Be comfortable with this person.  This is not someone you are trying to impress, this is someone you're trying to see if you're compatible with. 

2. To go along with 1, skip the fancy dinners and movie dates.  You want to get to know somebody, plan to talk to them.  Head out with a picnic or go to the fair.  Go bowling.  DO something together!

3. Sometimes the bible is wise.  You think you love her?  Take 1 Corinthians 13 and read verses 4-7.  Can you insert her name in all those blocks where "love" is?  No? What about your own?  Walk away, son.

4. Nothing good happens after 11pm.  You know this, I know this, there's nothing even open in our little Podunksville except Walmart.  It's time to be home. Alone.

5. Stay away from attempting an 18 year commitment until you can answer #3 in the affirmative.  And have the means to provide it.

6. The right person will come along.  You will be a completely different person at 25 than you were at 15.  So will she.  Definitely date, but follow your path - if you find yourself going in a completely opposite direction, it's okay.  It means this time in your life is done and you're ready for a new adventure.

[regentrude]

We do not have "rules". Everything depends on the situation.

I do not insist on meeting the parents. A young person may be a lovely person and through no fault of her own growing up in a problematic family.

We do not have a curfew other than the law imposed curfew on driving past 1pm. There is nowhere to be out later in the evenings, but DS spends much time with his gf at our house. I do not get hung up on time of day; there is nothing that could not also happen at 3pm.

The kids know about consent, about consequences of intimacy, about contraception. They know that we advocate waiting with permanent commitments until they have finished their education.

 

I do not think "rules" are enforcable when a teen is bent on breaking them. Our stance is to provide a safe environment for the teens to be, rather than driving them to risky behaviour and sneaking. We provide guidance and opinions, and so far we like what we see.

YMMV.

 

ETA: Thinking about this some more, we do have one rule, even though we never phrased it as a "rule": if gf is here, or staying over, or going on a trip with us, she needs to have made sure it is OK with her parents.

 

ETA: I am confused about the remark in the OP "high standards of dress in his family". I cannot imagine what that can possibly have to do with the suitability of the young man. I went shopping today in jeans and a sweatshirt, DH wears sandals year round. Not sure what that says about my kids' eligibility for dating, or our morals and integrity.

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by regentrude

[ThisIsTheDay]

I would take it on a case by case basis.  It's not something that either of my kids have been interested in. We are a pretty conservative family, and the whole dating thing has never been a priority.

 

Based on what you said though, I would have some concern over the fact that he is leaving in three months.  That sort of pressure puts a "deadline" and rush on their relationship. When you're 16 and 18, that surely adds to the romanticism of it all.  I would also be a bit concerned about his age--depending on his experience with girls, 18 can be considerably more mature than 16.  (Of course that goes the other way too, an experienced 16yo can be more mature than an 18yo.)

 

I would be encouraging her to have him over, to be very relaxed at home.  I also think it's important for them to feel that they are not being chaperoned. I wouldn't want them to feel there is a need to sneak around or lie about anything.  10:00 is not a magic hour; I personally would be more concerned about his driving experience than what time they are getting home, within reason of course.

 

Somewhere there would be a balance, I would hope, for showing my child that I trust them but that I also want to protect them. The more they demonstrate they are trustworthy, the more I would trust them.  That's always been the case with my kids, and this wouldn't be that much different.  And just like I did when my kids were little, I would continue to emphasize this with both my child and their boyfriend/girlfriend.  Ultimately, I don't have to like or agree with their choices; there's little I could do at this point to stop my kid, so my best option is to work at being honest and respectful of my kid and honoring our relationship--which will likely last far longer than a teenaged b/gfriend.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest was allowed to date one-on-one when she was 16. Our general rules (which could be adjusted as needed):

 

-She was already aware of consent, safety rules, etc.   While in high school she exclusively dated guys who were friends first so most of them I had met.

-Boy needed to be within 2 years of her age.

-NJ has strict rules about who can drive together and within what hours so that limited driving dates. 

-Her curfew was 9pm for a school night (never happened except very special events since she had dance every night of the week) and 11pm for weekends.  Exceptions were made for special events - school dances, birthday parties, etc.  These events meant a parent dropping off and picking up because of the rules for new drivers.

 

My dd and I talk a lot and she shares EVERYTHING so we often talked about how things were going and if there were any concerns.  Keeping communication open is very important IMO.

 

[Janeway]

I think it is best to make the dates where the parents spend time with the young man and his family in the beginning. And then when you feel comfortable, let them go. You can have curfews. And require that they leave the locator on on the phone so you always know where they are. But, I would allow alone dates for sure once I am comfy with the date.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think it is best to make the dates where the parents spend time with the young man and his family in the beginning. And then when you feel comfortable, let them go. You can have curfews. And require that they leave the locator on on the phone so you always know where they are. But, I would allow alone dates for sure once I am comfy with the date.

 

We must come from very different places.

 

My parents never met my date's parents.  The exception being a guy I dated as an adult for 4 years.  His mother worked with my dad.  And my now husband. I had lots of other dates and, again, never did our parents meet.  To me that's a move indicating things are more serious. 

 

I guess I'd be ok with a parent wanting to meet me, but I'd seriously wonder why they wanted to meet me. 

[Tap]

At 14 I was very strict, but at 16 I was less so, and now at 17 I pretty much stay out of it.  DD has experience from when she was younger though, so it makes staying out of it, much easier.

 

Our rules:

1. I need to know who you are with by name.  A text will do, I don't need to meet them.

2. I want to know a general idea of your plans.  Going into the city is good enough, or going hiking, but I would like at least a clue in case of emergency.  (ie you shouldn't be out of cell range in the city, but are likely to if you go hiking. The GPS on the phone will be affected by this). The more detail the better, but not required.

3. I want to know about what time you will be home.  I would love that to be by 11pm, I am completely fine with 12, and anything after than needs approval. 

4. Coming to our home after a date and talking, inside or outside, is fine.  Just let me know you made it home.

5. I am always available to pick my kids up, no matter what, no matter why. Always.

6. My daughter is well versed in contraception. 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by Tap

[SparklyUnicorn]

Although my parents didn't meet my husband's parents until we got married now that I think about it.  That just was not possible because he was from another country.

 

 

[regentrude]

We must come from very different places.

 

My parents never met my date's parents.  The exception being a guy I dated as an adult for 4 years.  His mother worked with my dad.  And my now husband. I had lots of other dates and, again, never did our parents meet.  To me that's a move indicating things are more serious. 

 

I guess I'd be ok with a parent wanting to meet me, but I'd seriously wonder why they wanted to meet me. 

 

LOL. My parents and my parents-in-law met at our wedding. We had been dating  for 6 years, living together for several. It just never came up. My parents also never met any of my hs boyfriends' parents.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

LOL. My parents and my parents-in-law met at our wedding. We had been dating  for 6 years, living together for several. It just never came up. My parents also never met any of my hs boyfriends' parents.

 

Well yes us too because his parents came to the US for our wedding.  There just wasn't a chance to meet otherwise.  My husband's parents don't speak English either.  And my parents don't speak German.  So they never even really talked.

 

I met all of his family members and the other way around long before we married, but that was a rather unique circumstance too. 

[regentrude]

Well yes us too because his parents came to the US for our wedding.  There just wasn't a chance to meet otherwise.  My husband's parents don't speak English either.  And my parents don't speak German.  So they never even really talked.

 

But we grew up and lived in the same town.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

But we grew up and lived in the same town.

 

 

LOL!

 

My FIL moved across the Rhine to marry my MIL.  Back then that was a very huge deal.  As huge as their son moving to another country to marry someone. 

[Crimson Wife]

Your DD should be made aware that there is a LOT of "hooking up" that goes on among jr. enlisted at boot camp and in the barracks. That's not to say that this young man will engage in it because certainly not everyone does. But it is very, very common and getting involved with someone about to head off to the military without her could very well result in heartbreak.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Your DD should be made aware that there is a LOT of "hooking up" that goes on among jr. enlisted at boot camp and in the barracks. That's not to say that this young man will engage in it because certainly not everyone does. But it is very, very common and getting involved with someone about to head off to the military without her could very well result in heartbreak.

 

This bodes with my experience as well.  I was in the guard for a year (before my boot camp date which I never ended up going to).  I did the weekend drills and the long drill in the summer.  I also did a boot camp orientation which ran over several nights.  It was a hookup fest for a lot of people.  Not everyone (not me), but I did find it to be rather yucky (for lack of a better word).

[AK_Mom4]

Dating after age 16. Getting to go out on solo dates needs to be proceeded by hanging around our house together with the family annoying you. So playing video games, watching movies, getting beat at board games by the younger sibs.

 

DD14 as youngest won't have the benefit of younger siblings to vet her dates but DS20 says he will help out by being annoying.

[regentrude]

. Getting to go out on solo dates needs to be proceeded by hanging around our house together with the family annoying you.

 

This got me thinking back to DS' first "date" - actually first live meeting with gf whom he had met online.

 

They met at a public location, a park halfway between their homes. Which I think was a smart and safe thing to do- you don't go to somebody's house if you only met them online.

I had no idea he was going to meet a girl; he just went on one of his daily walks.

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by regentrude

[Chris in VA]

Thanks everyone.

 

The comment about the clothing was just to show that his family is conservative in some respects more than we are--he has to wear a collared shirt to school. I don't think NOT wearing collared shirts is a sign that one is in any way less than anyone else. It's sort of like the idea that some teach their kids to answer yes ma'am and no sir and some don't. Just a difference that could be descriptive of culture of respect in some way.

[SparklyUnicorn]

This got me thinking back to DS' first "date" - actually first live meeting with gf whom he had met online.

 

They met at a public location, a park halfway between their homes. Which I think was a smart and safe thing to do- you don't go to somebody's house if you only met them online.

I had no idea he was going to meet a girl; he just went on one of his daily walks.

 

 

Oh so you mean meeting my now husband at JFK for the first time (outside of the Internet) was kinda crazy?  LOL

 

No no...I'm kidding.  It was a public place, but yes looking back it WAS rather crazy.  I was an adult though so nobody could stop me exactly.  My mother did give me a ride to the bus station and knew what I was doing.

[bettyandbob]

I didn't set parameters, except I wanted to know where they were going and when they expected to be back and to be told if plans changed.

 

On that note, if the movie starts at 8, a curfew of 10 may be too early. So, you might want to set it up as flexible. If the movie is sold out, do you want them to come home. Can they go to the bowling alley if they call. Can they go to a friend's for board games? Figure out what range of flexibility you can handle.

 

I'd be careful of being too strict. I grew up in a house with a strict, controlling parent. That just encouraged my siblings to lie.

 

Continue to have open conversations about relationships in general. I regularly watch TV or movies with my dd. I've learned a lot about how she thinks from doing that.

[AK_Mom4]

Regarding curfew: I generally ask What Time do you expect to be Home? And my teens knew that if they didn't contact me about missing that time, then they would have to listen to the Mom Lecture for hours and hours and hours. I explained that this is what adults do - if DH or I are going to be late, we let the other know. It just polite to let someone know if plans change. It was never an issue - my kids always had cell phones and chargers with them and it was better to call or text than to get lectured later.

[regentrude]

Regarding curfew: I generally ask What Time do you expect to be Home? And my teens knew that if they didn't contact me about missing that time, then they would have to listen to the Mom Lecture for hours and hours and hours. I explained that this is what adults do - if DH or I are going to be late, we let the other know. It just polite to let someone know if plans change. It was never an issue - my kids always had cell phones and chargers with them and it was better to call or text than to get lectured later.

 

This, exactly. Which goes beyond dating; I have the same expectations when the kids are out with just friends or on their own.

We never had a curfew, but expected to know where they were, and what time they would plan to be home. Change in plan - call or text, as a matter of courtesy. It was never an issue for us either.

 

Both my kids have been very considerate of my mom-anxiety surrounding beginning driving and have been good at texting me when they arrived on their first solo drives and later their first  longer solo drives (after a while, I no longer needed reassurance DS made it OK to work, but I still like that text when he drives longer distances out of town)

Again, not just dating related.

[Pawz4me]

We've never been very strict with either of our boys.  Our feeling has always been that by the time they make it to 15 or 16 it's time to start trusting that the foundation we've laid is strong.

 

We never instituted a curfew for dating or being out with their friends.  The loose rule was that if you're going to be unusually late (later than midnight or so) to let us know.  That's part of our general rule of being courteous to each other -- the same rule applies for other situations, like getting home late for dinner.

 

We never expected to meet any of their dates, let alone meet their parents.  Youngest did briefly date a girl from school whose parents wanted to meet him first.  She's the only girl either of them have dated whose parents wanted to meet them first, so definitely not the norm in our experience.  But it wasn't a big deal (DS had no issue with it).  I guess I can understand girls' parents being a bit more wary.

 

My sister-in-law has the capability to run background checks at her job, and she does it for every boy her DD dates.  I think that's way excessive.

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

 

My sister-in-law has the capability to run background checks at her job, and she does it for every boy her DD dates.  I think that's way excessive.

 

Excessive and illegal, too, I'd bet.  Access to information like this, no matter where you work, is on a "need to know" basis.  Nosy moms don't qualify. 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah background checks?  Wow

 

Maybe so long as they inform the person, but otherwise geesh.

 

 

[Joules]

This, exactly. Which goes beyond dating; I have the same expectations when the kids are out with just friends or on their own.

We never had a curfew, but expected to know where they were, and what time they would plan to be home. Change in plan - call or text, as a matter of courtesy. It was never an issue for us either.

 

Both my kids have been very considerate of my mom-anxiety surrounding beginning driving and have been good at texting me when they arrived on their first solo drives and later their first  longer solo drives (after a while, I no longer needed reassurance DS made it OK to work, but I still like that text when he drives longer distances out of town)

Again, not just dating related.

 

I absolutely agree.  I have particular post-accident anxiety, so I like to know everyone is OK.  It is smart and kind to always let someone know where you will be.  Dh is terrible about remembering to keep in touch, but with the new smartphones I can always see where he is.  Who knew that the biggest advantage of smartphones is that I no longer have to worry about loved ones being in proverbial ditches.  

 

I can't contribute much to the dating conversation...ds is 18 now and hasn't started "dating" yet, so it's out of my hands.  Any rules I have would be true for any visitors...no smoking, drugs, or underage drinking and do NOT disturb my sleep ;-)

[Chris in VA]

Not that I would, but you can legally run a backround check on anyone, can't you? I mean, those babysitting sites do it without permission all the time. Parents pick a sitter and "Do you want a backround check" pops up.

 

Sorry, can't think of the site--maybe sittercity? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not that I would, but you can legally run a backround check on anyone, can't you? I mean, those babysitting sites do it without permission all the time. Parents pick a sitter and "Do you want a backround check" pops up.

 

Sorry, can't think of the site--maybe sittercity? 

 

I don't think the babysitting sites do it without permission.  I assume if one signs up to work for one they are told that. 

[Laura Corin]

LOL. My parents and my parents-in-law met at our wedding. We had been dating  for 6 years, living together for several. It just never came up. My parents also never met any of my hs boyfriends' parents.

 

My father-in-law and my parents never met: he didn't like to travel and we got married in a hurry, so had a US wedding then a UK party later.  My MIL came across for the party, but FIL didn't.

[TeenagerMom]

We are embarking on this road in just a couple of months too!  Sixteen is the dating age in our household.  Since DD is homeschooled, for now, I pretty much know her entire dating pool.  But even in the event that I didn't, I would not require getting the know the boy at all before dating short of a quick meet when he picks her up.  My reasoning being as an adult, your date/boyfriend/girlfriend meeting the parents typically means it is a serious relationship.  I don't want DD thinking everything has to be serious RIGHT off the bat.  It's ok to go on a date and not like a guy by the end of the date & never talk to him again.  Requiring him to spend hours with our family is a time investment that we all would have to make and potentially the young people completely wasting their time. 

 

Not to mention, dating as young people is supposed to be fun while finding out what you like/don't like about potential partners.  I have seen wayyyyy too many young couples wrap themselves completely up in each other and each other's families.  While those relationships may last a while, into college, or into marriage, 99% of the time, they don't.

[KungFuPanda]

My daughter went out in friend groups that included the boy before she progressed to dating, but by then she was 17, we'd met the boy, and we weren't nervous about the situation. I never gave her a curfew because her friends all have them and she was always home before midnight.

 

In this situation I'd want to make sure that my daughter was mature enough to understand that this relationship will end soon and she needs to be OK with that. Early, exclusive dating can be a real heartbreak to kids who can't get their brains around that fact that the first boyfriend is rarely The One. I'd be more protective of her if she has trouble grasping that people generally fall for those they can spend time with and a long-distance relationship might not advisable at her age.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Dating after age 16. Getting to go out on solo dates needs to be proceeded by hanging around our house together with the family annoying you. So playing video games, watching movies, getting beat at board games by the younger sibs.

 

DD14 as youngest won't have the benefit of younger siblings to vet her dates but DS20 says he will help out by being annoying.

 

I could live with this for the most part, but this can backfire.  I once met the family of a guy who was interested in me.  They asked me a lot of very personal questions about stuff like my religious and political views.  Well I didn't suit their tastes apparently, but that really only made him like me even more.  LOL

[Scarlett]

LOL. My parents and my parents-in-law met at our wedding. We had been dating for 6 years, living together for several. It just never came up. My parents also never met any of my hs boyfriends' parents.

Wow. I met my husbands parents 2 weeks after we started dating. I had him and both sets of our parents to my house for dinner.

[Scarlett]

LOL. My parents and my parents-in-law met at our wedding. We had been dating for 6 years, living together for several. It just never came up. My parents also never met any of my hs boyfriends' parents.

Wow. I met my husbands parents 2 weeks after we started dating. I had him and both sets of our parents to my house for dinner.

[Joker]

My parents didn't meet dh's parents until the wedding. They all lived across the country from one another. My family did meet my SIL's family but that was because they started dating in high school and just lived down the street. It would have been awkward not to get know them. It wasn't a rule in our home, though, and my parents rarely asked or knew the family of any boy I dated. 

 

It's not a rule here that we have to know the family when dds start dating. They are 16 and 13 but have shown no interest yet. We will prefer to know where they are going, who they are with, and what time they will be home. We will also recommend they hang out here some and push for that to happen so we can get to know the other person. 

[kroe1]

If some guy wants to come sit on my couch for a year or two hanging out with her family, then I would consider letting him take my daughter on a date.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'll be the far end of the spectrum. We don't have any rules or curfew. In conversation I ask what they may be doing but that's it. So far no one has done anything crazy. We also haven't had anyone date much befor the summer after freshman year ( I think he was 15 and the date consisted of meeting her at a coffee house and coming back in an hour, LOL). I don't worry about the meeting thing.

Edited April 11, 2016 by joyofsix

[Laura Corin]

I'll be the far end of the spectrum. We don't have any rules or curfew. In conversation I ask what they may be doing but that's it. So far no one has done anything crazy. We also haven't had anyone date much befor the summer after freshman year ( I think he was 15 and the date consisted of meeting her at a coffee house and coming back in an hour, LOL). I don't worry about the meeting thing.

 

We have a no-closed-doors-before-age-16 rule.  But beyond that it's just a continuing conversation.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I know what I did alone at 16, I would not allow them alone.  Parking was way too easy, even if raised in a good home, temptation is strong.  Just saying.  I've been fortunate that my daughter who is now 18 has not been boy crazy and is career focused, she doesn't even want kids, we'll see how that changes over the years, it may not.

[Carrie12345]

Oh man, I didn't do any of this stuff. I just needed to know where dd and g/friend were going and what time they'd be back. 

 

I do wonder if I was less worried because the 'date' was another girl. And because I just assumed girls are less predatory. But even with a boy, I highly doubt I'd be doing background checks and meeting the parents. That seems excessive.

 

I actually wonder if I'd be more concerned.  I don't know if it would be accurate to call our area homophobic, but I've never noticed a same-sex couple *anywhere in the decade + that I've lived here.  I've only even (knowingly) met two gay men here, and they both regretted their move to such a freakishly hetero region.  So I might be less worried about the person-to-person date, but more worried about what they might face in public.

 

The driving is still my biggest concern when it comes to the logistics of dating, but that's obviously not exclusive to dating.

[mom@shiloh]

The fact that he's leaving in July would raise red flags for me.  The 'romance' aspect of him walking off into the sunset to face the unknown might escalate the relationship to a degree that neither of them is ready for.  I don't know your dd's history, but I would take steps to protect her heart.  If both parties are mature enough to be in a relationship, they should be mature enough to discuss with you the best way for the two of them to get to know each other better.  For us, that would mean plenty of time at each other's homes with the rest of the family present and doing group outings, either with friends or parents.  That gives both of them time to observe the other in real situations.  Corresponding with each other while he's away will also be a good way to get to know each other.  If the relationship strengthens through this, you can evaluate how to proceed when he gets back.  One of the main things that I want to see in a young man who's interested in my dds is that he has her best interests in mind and is willing to be patient with the relationship in order to serve her better.  

[Night Elf]

Oh so you mean meeting my now husband at JFK for the first time (outside of the Internet) was kinda crazy?  LOL

 

No no...I'm kidding.  It was a public place, but yes looking back it WAS rather crazy.  I was an adult though so nobody could stop me exactly.  My mother did give me a ride to the bus station and knew what I was doing.

 

At least you met somewhere public. I actually went to my DH's house the first time we met. And I drove 5 hours to do it. Both of us are still amazed that I could do that. I have such high anxiety and seem to be afraid of so much these days. I was just a nut in my l late 20s.

[BlsdMama]

I'm not a fan of traditional dating - where mom and dad don't know him (or her) and they get to spend lots of time together, unchaperoned.

 

I will say, for us, and I'm more than willing to wear my flame suit, the Bible is pretty clear that believers are *not* to be yoked with unbelievers and for a very good reason.  And so if your daughter has strong personal religious convictions, he should be avoided no matter how sweet/nice/respectable/wonderful.  I know it sounds harsh.  You can PM me if you'd like.

 

Our DD is currently "dating" / dorting?  Something.  They spend a lot of time together an a lot apart doing their own activities to finish growing up.  They have been raised pretty different (ours *not* in a church, his family very active in church) but both have the same belief.  Neither do "serial" dating.  One is homeschooled, the other completely public schooled.  Both are already graduated and so a good age to meet someone.  

 

Our second kiddo asked last night to ask someone out.  She's younger. I'm not thrilled.  Oh my goodness -she is great - adorable, the right amount of sass, bright, and we've met her parents a couple times through activities.  But the age thing is a real problem for me.  Dating leads to attachment, attachment leads to more time spent together, more time together - at this age, generally leads to concentrating on the other person more than getting done what a teen needs to get done.  More than that, it is a relationship on hold.... For years and years.  Talk about a frustrating challenge. 

 

While I understand (and sympathize) with his sense of urgency to ask her out - at the same time I know it's a false sense of  urgency.  There is no rush, just like there isn't in this case.

Can't they spend time together for a while (both at his house and yours) in a family setting or a group setting without slapping a name on it?  

 

I opened this because our DS is a kid with his head screwed on straight and has never really taken a second look at anyone.  I really want to respect that but at the same time I also know this young lady is only a sophomore... two more years of high school and then college. There simply isn't the rush he feels.

[The Girls' Mom]

I'll be honest.  I have a double standard.  I want to meet the boy first, but I don't mind if I (or my dds) haven't met his parents.  Mostly, I don't want my girls dating anyone they don't feel comfortable introducing to their parents.  Also, I'm not going to judge a kid by the worthiness of his family.  I'm glad I wasn't judged that way.  I came from some pretty rough people, but I'm a pretty ok person! lol.  

We don't have any hard and fast rules for dating.  It has always been a case by case scenario.  I have forbidden a kid to ride in the car with a certain boy.  This was only because I had heard numerous tales about his driving. Otherwise, he's a good kid and if they ever actually get around to dating I would be fine with it (this is one of my 15 year olds, who is about to turn 16.  The boy in question is 18).

My oldest dd just started dating at 18, her choice.  We didn't actually meet her boyfriend before they went out on their first date, at least not as a dating prospect. (I had given him a ride once years ago, so I at least knew what he looked like! lol).  But my niece went to school with him and told me that he was a good kid.  They've been dating for almost a year now.  He's been at our house a LOT, but my dd has only met his mom once.  I've never met his family at all.

 

Our only rule for her is that she has to be home by 11PM.  This is only because her dad goes to bed early, and our dog goes berserk when anyone pulls into the driveway.  He hates getting awakened by the dog.  

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by The Girls' Mom

[SparklyUnicorn]

At least you met somewhere public. I actually went to my DH's house the first time we met. And I drove 5 hours to do it. Both of us are still amazed that I could do that. I have such high anxiety and seem to be afraid of so much these days. I was just a nut in my l late 20s.

 

It's funny because these days meeting people on-line is quite common.  At that time it wasn't so much.  I was actually afraid to tell people how we met.  Weird I know, but yep.