Cell phones and social occasions: WWYD?

[J-rap]

My dh and I were recently at a dinner, hosted by a friend at a restaurant.  There were 6 people present, 4 of them couples, a whole mix of ages (25-55).  One young man, around 28, was texting on his cell phone almost the entire time.  Occasionally he'd look up and engage with the group, but he was clearly more involved with his cell phone conversation(s), and I don't think it was anything serious because sometimes he'd laugh a little to himself while typing his text, etc.  Now, the atmosphere was kind of casual, it was an out-door patio restaurant and there was a lot of noise and some people arrived later or left earlier than others.  But still, it was a meal we were sharing together and I guess I just felt like it was rude.

 

No one said anything, and I didn't know this young man well so of course didn't say anything.  He wife seemed a little irritated by it, and I know one other person felt uncomfortable about it too.

 

It got me thinking...  if I had been hosting it myself, maybe in my own home, what would I do?  Is it different being in a restaurant?  If it were in my own home, I think I'd maybe lightheartedly chide him, like "Okay, all cell phones away!"  Or would it be better to just very pointedly engage him in conversation, as a distraction?  Or do you just let it be?  After all, adults are adults.  

 

Actually, now it got me thinking about a visit we had just yesterday in our home!  It was a couple we see a handful of times a year.  They were in town for an errand, so stopped by our house for an hour.  We were all sitting together talking.  The husband had his cellphone in his hand the entire time, sometimes looking at it, sometimes texting, clearly distracted.  It just seemed kind of weird.  Is this normal now?  If it were something important, and if he told us that, it would have been understandable.  But instead it just felt like he wasn't really into the visit.

 

  

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

It has become more and more common.

I think it's rude.

I don't know what I would do about it, though.

 

When DH got his last job, he was like this.  It made me really mad, but he didn't stop.

UNTIL

 

I got a smart phone.  Then I started rather pointedly doing it myself.  And he stopped immediately.  

It was actually kind of funny.  He had no idea how rude it felt until he felt it himself.

 

ETA:  Then, of course, I stopped.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Bluegoat]

Ihave one or two friends who do this.  I think it really is incredibly rude.  I think that I might have done nothing, though if I were a more confrontational person, I might say "why don't you let us in on the conversation or share the joke" or something like that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't correct adults.  Even in my home. 

[SKL]

I think it is OK to ask, "do you have an emergency you're dealing with?  I hope everything is OK."  Just to make him question himself as to whether his behavior is off.

 

Supposedly in his age group, that is normal behavior, but it is still really annoying to mixed company IMO, and what ever happened to being courteous to your elders?  ;)

 

There are times when I feel the need to keep checking my messages because of something important, e.g., when my sister's micropremie was in the hospital.  Normally if I don't have something urgent to check on, I don't even bring my cell phone into a group event.  I want to focus on the people there.  And I'm not even particularly social.  I just think it's rude to have your head down when people are talking in a group situation.  If it were me doing something dumb in a group, I would rather someone hinted kindly vs. left me stupid.

 

In your own house, if you have people of that generation and their cell phones are out, I don't think it would be bad to make a cheerful comment up front about giving cell phones a rest for a while.  Others may disagree.

[Murphy101]

I don't think adults owe me an explaination for when or how they use their phones.

 

I guess if I felt they were being rude about it, I *might* ask if everything is okay with who ever they are in contact with.

 

In the couples scenarios the OP gives, I'd presume the spouse wasn't as interested in the occasion and was dragged along by their partner. Poor show of it but such is life sometimes.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Murphy101

[marbel]

I would not say anything to a guest in my home or to another adult in a restaurant.    I might choose not to invite that person over much, though.  And I would be uncomfortable if I was at someone's house and the host chastised a guest, even in a lighthearted manner. 

 

I do find phone use in a group social situation rude.  If I felt compelled to keep my phone close at hand during a social event, I would explain why. But not everyone is like that.

 

My husband also was a little rude to me (not at social events) at first when he got his smartphone (a year or so before I got mine).  I would just stop talking when I saw him look at his phone.  He'd look up and ask why I'd stopped and I'd say "you obviously have something more important going on."  It didn't take long for him to figure it out.   Now if we are all looking at the newspaper, our phones, magazines, reading while at the table together (not at dinner, but breakfast for sure and other times we may just be sitting there), that's fine.  But that's different than a social event.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by marbel

[catz]

I don't correct adults either.  When we go out, our kids are at an age where we leave them alone, so I usually check in when they're home alone every 60-90 minutes.  We got 2 phone calls about parents collapsing out of the blue in the last year so I am a bit phone paranoid.  However, sitting and staring at a phone all night at a social event is obnoxious.  I probably wouldn't say anything, but it might affect my desire to invite them to further group events.  Especially if he was laughing at his phone and neither he or his spouse said anything about why he needed to sit on his phone texting.

Edited April 4, 2016 by WoolySocks

[zoobie]

I wouldn't correct adults other than my husband or kids. I have threatened to toss DH's phone in the nearest large body of water.

[Bluegoat]

I have one friend who does this a lot - I don't see her a ton as she has moved, but it is just so disconcerting.  It is almost like she just suddenly tunes out our conversation to whisper with someone else who goes by.

 

 

[Loowit]

I wouldn't say anything.  But if it bothered me I might not go out with them anymore.  I do check my phone when I am out.  I have a child with medial issues and if something were to happen and I ignored the text I would feel awful. I glance at it and it isn't important I ignore it until a better time.

 

There are times my DD is on her phone while visiting family.  At first I got on her about it, but then I noticed while adults called it rude, none of them cared to include her in the conversations.  I talk to her about appropriate phone usage and she is pretty good about it.

[redsquirrel]

I have been in social situations where everyone puts there cell in the middle of the table, face down, so that there can be no temptation to peek.  My sister and her friends have a rule that the first person caught using their phone for non-babysitter reasons has to pay for the next round.

 

I would have also made a comment like 'I hope everything is ok. You are texting so much that I assume there is an emergency." Or I would have found a way to directly engage him in conversation.  The few times that I have been tempted to do the same is when I am at an event where I don't know anyone and no one is talking to me. It's easier to just start texting with my mom. So, I would assume the person is bored or feels like they don't have a reason to be there.  When I am engaged and having fun, I never feel the temptation to look at my phone.

 

And before anyone starts bewailing the actions of the young, let me tell you the biggest offender of this is my mother's husband. He is almost 70, and he will sit in the middle of a restaurant and have a full volume conversation with his daughter, reading her the menu and telling her all about the place etc. It is mortifying.

[Soror]

I wouldn't correct an adult however I wouldn't continue to hang out someone who ignored me the whole time either. So many people think that they aren't guilty of this but yet they are... 

[gardenmom5]

it is still rude - knowing the age group, not necessarily surprising.

 

I'd probably ask him if there was something wrong with which I could assist him? wink wink nudge nudge.  since I'm present, and the textee isn't . . . .\

 

eta: yes, I agree, start engaging him in conversation.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's like this everywhere I go. 

 

It's really weird to be in a room filled with a bunch of people who don't say a word but stare at their phones. 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

I'd be more appalled by someone making a snarky/sarcastic/suggestive comment than by someone ignoring the group at a social event.  I don't own a cellphone and don't know how to text, but I figure if someone else is constantly texting during a social event it means that they are more interested in the text conversation (or in reading the news, or whatever people do on their phones) than in my/our conversation, and that is fine with me - at least it is obvious :)

 

The only time it bothers me is when you think you're in the middle of a direct conversation with someone (one-on-one) and they just tune out and look up something on their phone, then get distracted by it.  My sister is prone to this  - still doesn't bother me in a morally repugnant way or a rude behavior way, just in a "this is an inconvenient way to hold a conversation" way.  I take it as a sign she's not really into talking right now, though, and leave her to it :)

[SKL]

I do have a friend (older than me) who is obnoxious about this, at least around people she is comfortable with.  I get on her about it, but we are good enough friends that we can be direct.

 

The people saying they wouldn't hint to the person but would avoid him in the future - I understand why it is considered wrong to correct an adult, but on the other hand, is it really kinder to exclude him from future gatherings?  I think I'd rather give him one fair chance (hint) before writing him off all together.  If he's dense enough to stare at his phone throughout a social event, he's probably not so fragile that a very gentle hint will devastate him.

[Murphy101]

Yes I think it's kinder. Bc apparently they aren't genuinely interested anyways.

 

In the OP example it was one person who came as a couple. I'd assume the guy/gal came bc their partner wanted to and not bc they were particularly interested. I'd make an effort or two to engage them directly in conversation but after that I'd just enjoy the company of their spouse.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Well, I'll be a dissenter!  I'd say something!! But it would be very casually, "Hey, put down your phone for a while! I want to enjoy your company!"  I'd do it in the same way I would say it to my young adult children.  To be clear, I don't believe I am correcting or chiding my children by saying that.  They are not six years old. It's more of a hey, I want your attention too, type of comment.

 

 

[BlsdMama]

My dh and I were recently at a dinner, hosted by a friend at a restaurant.  There were 6 people present, 4 of them couples, a whole mix of ages (25-55).  One young man, around 28, was texting on his cell phone almost the entire time.  Occasionally he'd look up and engage with the group, but he was clearly more involved with his cell phone conversation(s), and I don't think it was anything serious because sometimes he'd laugh a little to himself while typing his text, etc.  Now, the atmosphere was kind of casual, it was an out-door patio restaurant and there was a lot of noise and some people arrived later or left earlier than others.  But still, it was a meal we were sharing together and I guess I just felt like it was rude.

 

No one said anything, and I didn't know this young man well so of course didn't say anything.  He wife seemed a little irritated by it, and I know one other person felt uncomfortable about it too.

 

It got me thinking...  if I had been hosting it myself, maybe in my own home, what would I do?  Is it different being in a restaurant?  If it were in my own home, I think I'd maybe lightheartedly chide him, like "Okay, all cell phones away!"  Or would it be better to just very pointedly engage him in conversation, as a distraction?  Or do you just let it be?  After all, adults are adults.  

 

Actually, now it got me thinking about a visit we had just yesterday in our home!  It was a couple we see a handful of times a year.  They were in town for an errand, so stopped by our house for an hour.  We were all sitting together talking.  The husband had his cellphone in his hand the entire time, sometimes looking at it, sometimes texting, clearly distracted.  It just seemed kind of weird.  Is this normal now?  If it were something important, and if he told us that, it would have been understandable.  But instead it just felt like he wasn't really into the visit.

 

 

Alone Together is an interesting read.  I suspect everyone should read it.  

It was assigned to my son in his Comp I class.

I think recognizing it, calling it, and setting up boundaries?

[MFG]

Well, I'll be a dissenter! I'd say something!! But it would be very casually, "Hey, put down your phone for a while! I want to enjoy your company!" I'd do it in the same way I would say it to my young adult children. To be clear, I don't believe I am correcting or chiding my children by saying that. They are not six years old. It's more of a hey, I want your attention too, type of comment.

But after saying that, would you actually engage the other person in an interesting conversation? I don't mean make some mindless chit chat. If an interesting discussion is going on, I would be engaged, at least in active listening if not contributing. But too much small talk will cause me to zone out. I would probably not be constantly on the phone, but I would be absorbed in my own thoughts. As an introvert, I spend a lot of time in my own head. And it does not bother me. I don't mind occupying my own thoughts. But I would dislike being passive aggressively "chided" about not behaving as someone else thought sufficient.

[Haiku]

Or do you just let it be?  After all, adults are adults.  

 

I don't correct adults on things like this. It's not my job to parent them.

 

I can, however, choose with whom I spend my time. I would not spend time with people who were distracted by their cell phones all the time. These people would no longer be invited to my social events.

 

I know several people who get really bent out of shape if they even see someone with a cellphone in their hand while they are with them. I don't limit my cellphone use because of their attitudes. If I find that using my cellphone is necessary, I say something like, "This is my daughter, and I need to respond," or "My dad is calling, so I need to answer," and then I excuse myself and attend to the business at hand. I don't feel the need to allow other people's concerns about cell phones to dictate how I prioritize things, but I also don't have casual texting conversations with one person when I am with other people.

 

I have a terrible memory of trying and trying and trying to reach my parents once when they were having dinner with friends and I needed them, but their hosts had turned off the house phone (pre-cell phone era) so they wouldn't be "disturbed." If my kids or my parents call or text me, I will answer, regardless of whether anyone I am with thinks I'm rude.

[Farrar]

For a good friend, I'd say something light. A quick, hey, what's going on on the phone, friend, sort of comment. For someone like this who you barely know, I wouldn't bother or be bothered. If they don't want to engage, oh well. And I'm not going to stew over it. I mean, whatever. Their choice.

 

I think contextually that it's not always rude. At a social gathering where people are hanging out, going in and out, meh... I think it's become the norm. I'm not bothered. For a dinner party where everyone is focusing on each other at one table with just a few people... it does seem a little rude. But... again, if it wasn't a friend like in this case, I wouldn't actually care much. I'd just think it wasn't someone I wanted to get to know better.

[JustEm]

I don't correct adults but I will happily tell them why they are no longer invited to events if they notice and ask, which has happened. If my children ask why so and so is allowed to use their phone when company is here I say, " I don't make their rules but you may not because it is rude to do so while company is here. " I say this in a normal voice and don't care if the rude person hears.

[Soror]

Geez, of course I'd try to engage someone before just uninviting them (which is really theoretical as I pretty much never have shindigs) but I'm not going to keep trying to talk to someone who has no intereste in talking to me, I'm not that desperate for companionship. I tell my kids try to be friendly to people but if they ignore you they obviously don't want to be your friend. If it was a spouse of someone I like I'd just ignore them and enjoy their spouse but why in the world would you keep inviting someone who doesn't engage with anybody? Why is that rude? At some point people have to bear responsibility for their action, if you perpetually ignore people they won't want to spend time with you, it is a logical consequence.

Edited April 4, 2016 by soror

[mamaofgirls]

I do not think it is wrong to tell someone not to do something at your house or out to eat with you. A friend of mine did this - I flat out told her it was annoying. Why should I waste my time to find childcare and go eat with her when she is going to spend 80% of the time on her phone?! Some people do not realize how rude it is and they need to be told, corrected. An *adult* should be able to handle positive criticism and if they dont agree, then as an adult they can do as they wish but I will not be inviting that person over to my house or out to eat again!

 

 

[eternalsummer]

I don't correct adults but I will happily tell them why they are no longer invited to events if they notice and ask, which has happened. If my children ask why so and so is allowed to use their phone when company is here I say, " I don't make their rules but you may not because it is rude to do so while company is here. " I say this in a normal voice and don't care if the rude person hears.

 

I wonder if you do the same with something like clothing choices or food?

 

 

"Why is cousin allowed to wear a short skirt and I'm not?"  

"I don't make their rules but you may not wear that clothing because it is immoral/slutty/etc."

 

"Why is so and so allowed to eat a hamburger?"

"We can't make rules for them but eating factory farmed food is cruel/immoral/wrong"

 

I'm all for blunt, and we definitely have some moral beliefs that aren't all that common (see the two above), but generally I don't couch it in front of other people's kids as immoral or evil or slutty or cruel, even if I might say something like that to my kids in private.  Other kids aren't making their own rules either, for one, so telling them fairly directly that they're doing something wrong (not just "wrong for us" but "wrong") is something I mostly avoid.

 

I have heard our kids and cousins having some great discussions about the big issues, though :)  Once I got them debating the existence of God - at 5, 7, and 8!  One cousin was attending a Catholic school, our DS had just finished a Lutheran preschool, and DD has never had any religious input at all.  They were fairly civil, considering.

[hornblower]

I would do nothing. If someone was texting & looking very serious or worried, I might try to make eye contact and ask if everything was ok, but otherwise, especially in a larger group, I wouldn't say anything else. 

Would you think it rude if a person sat there with a placid expression and said nothing the entire time? 

Sure, they probably should have just stayed home but for whatever reason, they're there. 

Or maybe this is a social as they can be  & their phone is a safety net that keeps them from bolting altogether. ("if I look busy with my phone, those people won't talk to me or ask me about my work") 



but then, I've been that person but usually only at family events or some other forced socializing with people I don't really like.

My phone has prevented many uncomfortable debates/arguments. Instead of saying stuff to people & getting into an uncomfortable conversation, I'm the person live tweeting the event with snarky play by play commentary. 

I also have people who msg me if they know I'm going somewhere I don't really want to be and they send me commiserating or neeener-neeener gifs to cheer me up.  

I would do it in a friendly social setting only if I really felt out of place or didn't have anyone to talk to. With real friends, it's only if family or important stuff is happening.  I will frequently look at my phone to see what messages are showing up though but that's just a glance to scan the notifications list. 

[Arcadia]

For both scenarios, the husbands might just be tagging along but not really wanting to be there. My hubby had drop me off at a mutual friend's house and then come back later because he is not interested in chatting for an hour or two.

[mamaofgirls]

I wonder if you do the same with something like clothing choices or food?

 

 

"Why is cousin allowed to wear a short skirt and I'm not?"  

"I don't make their rules but you may not wear that clothing because it is immoral/slutty/etc."

 

"Why is so and so allowed to eat a hamburger?"

"We can't make rules for them but eating factory farmed food is cruel/immoral/wrong"

 

I'm all for blunt, and we definitely have some moral beliefs that aren't all that common (see the two above), but generally I don't couch it in front of other people's kids as immoral or evil or slutty or cruel, even if I might say something like that to my kids in private.  Other kids aren't making their own rules either, for one, so telling them fairly directly that they're doing something wrong (not just "wrong for us" but "wrong") is something I mostly avoid.

 

I have heard our kids and cousins having some great discussions about the big issues, though :)  Once I got them debating the existence of God - at 5, 7, and 8!  One cousin was attending a Catholic school, our DS had just finished a Lutheran preschool, and DD has never had any religious input at all.  They were fairly civil, considering.

 

I know this was not directed to me, but I think you are confusing two completely different things. I have friends who do NOT dress modestly, I do not like it at all but I tell my girls they can not wear skirts that show their thighs even though their friends do. Having dinner with a friend is different when someone is on their cell phone most of the time. It is rude and wrong - I have and will correct them. If I have to find childcare then drive 45 minutes to get to a restaurant I expect the friend to spend some time with me. I do not think this is unrealistic or mean. If anything they are mean because I used my limited childcare availability to see them and they are ignoring me. When did ignoring someone become "okay"? If that is the way our society is going, as with clothing sytles, then I will not follow. Nor will I be friend-friends with someone who does.

 

** I am not talking about a friend who has something serious going on either (my friend was having boy-friend troubles). I would understand a friend who was checking in on her children, ill MIL, ect... not someone texting over an argument with her newest boyfriend. Rude.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by mamaofgirls

[J-rap]

I have one friend who does this a lot - I don't see her a ton as she has moved, but it is just so disconcerting.  It is almost like she just suddenly tunes out our conversation to whisper with someone else who goes by.

 

Yes, exactly!  And I have no problem with people keeping their phones visible in case a child left home alone calls or texts, etc.  Or if they politely let the other guests know that some situation was going on that required them to be tethered to their phone that night.

[ThisIsTheDay]

But after saying that, would you actually engage the other person in an interesting conversation? I don't mean make some mindless chit chat. If an interesting discussion is going on, I would be engaged, at least in active listening if not contributing. But too much small talk will cause me to zone out. I would probably not be constantly on the phone, but I would be absorbed in my own thoughts. As an introvert, I spend a lot of time in my own head. And it does not bother me. I don't mind occupying my own thoughts. But I would dislike being passive aggressively "chided" about not behaving as someone else thought sufficient.

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:  No, I wouldn't engage them in an "interesting conversation."  I don't engage in much of that.  It's mindless chit chat, imo, for the most part.

 

"Passively chided"?  I totally get introversion, but do you honestly go to someone's home, or out to dinner with them, expecting to have someone else initiate the interesting conversation, otherwise they are punished by you looking at your phone?  What's passive is someone devoting much attention to their phone and then being surprised that other people aren't good with that.  ???

 

Seriously.  If you came to my house, it would obviously be a mistake on both of our parts. I don't have people over for major conversations, and you prefer your phone.  That's all good, and I'm not kidding or being sarcastic.  But if that's how it turned out, I think we would both end up retreating into our phones for a few short minutes, and then I would yawn and beg that I need to go to sleep. 

 

Honestly, I'm not trying to write a rude response.  Perhaps I'm reading your post wrong, but it really is coming across that it's my responsibility to otherwise entertain you.

[Bluegoat]

As far as being boring - I think there is some real truth to the idea that if you really can't find something interesting to talk to someone about for a little while, it probably has more to do with you than them.

 

We tell kids that it isn't polite to whisper behind someone's back in a group setting.  I think chatting on your phone, as described in the OP, is pretty similar.  I might not say anything to an adult but I would think it was pretty poor manners.

[JustEm]

I wonder if you do the same with something like clothing choices or food?

 

 

"Why is cousin allowed to wear a short skirt and I'm not?"

"I don't make their rules but you may not wear that clothing because it is immoral/slutty/etc."

 

"Why is so and so allowed to eat a hamburger?"

"We can't make rules for them but eating factory farmed food is cruel/immoral/wrong"

 

I'm all for blunt, and we definitely have some moral beliefs that aren't all that common (see the two above), but generally I don't couch it in front of other people's kids as immoral or evil or slutty or cruel, even if I might say something like that to my kids in private. Other kids aren't making their own rules either, for one, so telling them fairly directly that they're doing something wrong (not just "wrong for us" but "wrong") is something I mostly avoid.

 

I have heard our kids and cousins having some great discussions about the big issues, though :) Once I got them debating the existence of God - at 5, 7, and 8! One cousin was attending a Catholic school, our DS had just finished a Lutheran preschool, and DD has never had any religious input at all. They were fairly civil, considering.

Oh I should have clarified that I only say that in regards to adults who are being rude. I don't make rules for adults but they should know it is rude and should be modelling proper manners. If they can't I tell my kids so. If it was another person's child I would simply tell them that the rule in my house is we don't use electronics at specific times(like at the table when we're eating, or if we're all playing a game together.)

 

Your examples of clothes and food are different in my mind because they don't have to do with manners at all so I wouldn't address a question like that in the same way.

[redsquirrel]

It sounds to me like this was more between this gentleman and his wife. Clearly he didn't want to be there and he was letting her and everyone else know via bad behaviour. He was absolutely letting her know that she could make him come, but she couldn't make him act like an adult.

 

I wouldn't insert myself into their relationship by publicly calling him out. Nor would I make it any more difficult for her. It's not her fault, and saying something would only embarrass her. He is obviously beyond embarrassment on this subject. Nor would I not invite him again if it meant giving up my friendship with my friend. Again, that just punishes her. And I certainly wouldn't get all passive aggressive about it and chide him via other people, because that is just as rude.

 

The best answer to bad manners is not more bad manners, but good manners. Be the change you want to see, people. If you don't want someone isolating with technology then don't do it yourself and make a point of being the focal point of witty repartee at the gathering.  That's really all we can do.  And maybe respond by giving people the benefit of the doubt as well.  Maybe it really was work related, and he doesn't know to excuse himself. Maybe he has social anxiety and that is his coping mechanism. Or maybe he's a jerk. But you aren't going to fix it with a public shaming and you will only be displaying your own bad manners.

 

Better to engage his partner in a nice conversation about books or movies or pets so she doesn't have to sit there and feel responsible for his bad showing.

[Ausmumof3]

I wouldn't say anything.

 

I do think this tends to be worse with new smart phone users.

 

Dh sometimes does this and it can be annoying. That said, often it's to do with time stress. I remember one week where he'd had an insane work schedule plus lots of call outs for his volunteer fire fighting. Anyway he was feeling guilty because he hadn't seen his mum for a while. So we went but he was distracted by the phone. Next time I saw them mil had a lot to say to me about it and I was quite upset. dh had made a pretty big effort to go when he was exhausted and then getting in trouble for not being 100pc present.

 

I do find the problem lessens when life is less busy and we have enough time.

 

I also think it is somewhat generational. For me if I was getting annoyed with the lack of attention I might just send a text to the person...

[Ellie]

My dh and I were recently at a dinner, hosted by a friend at a restaurant.  There were 6 people present, 4 of them couples, a whole mix of ages (25-55).  One young man, around 28, was texting on his cell phone almost the entire time.  Occasionally he'd look up and engage with the group, but he was clearly more involved with his cell phone conversation(s), and I don't think it was anything serious because sometimes he'd laugh a little to himself while typing his text, etc.  Now, the atmosphere was kind of casual, it was an out-door patio restaurant and there was a lot of noise and some people arrived later or left earlier than others.  But still, it was a meal we were sharing together and I guess I just felt like it was rude.

 

No one said anything, and I didn't know this young man well so of course didn't say anything.  He wife seemed a little irritated by it, and I know one other person felt uncomfortable about it too.

 

It got me thinking...  if I had been hosting it myself, maybe in my own home, what would I do?  Is it different being in a restaurant?  If it were in my own home, I think I'd maybe lightheartedly chide him, like "Okay, all cell phones away!"  Or would it be better to just very pointedly engage him in conversation, as a distraction?  Or do you just let it be?  After all, adults are adults.  

 

Actually, now it got me thinking about a visit we had just yesterday in our home!  It was a couple we see a handful of times a year.  They were in town for an errand, so stopped by our house for an hour.  We were all sitting together talking.  The husband had his cellphone in his hand the entire time, sometimes looking at it, sometimes texting, clearly distracted.  It just seemed kind of weird.  Is this normal now?  If it were something important, and if he told us that, it would have been understandable.  But instead it just felt like he wasn't really into the visit.

 

It is, indeed, rude.

 

However, even in your own home, you would not be able to actually correct another adult. You could distract him though with pointed conversation. Or you could all stare at him quietly until he realized that there was no sound in the room, and possibly he'd look up and be abashed, realizing he had behaved badly.

[Pen]

Maybe the modern tendency toward engaging in electronic device communication rather than with people present IRL could make an interesting topic of conversation in such a case. It seems to be a major problem nowadays.  

 

I have a relative who does it because, I believe, it makes him feel like a VIP. 

 

Kids at school do it unless required not to.

 

 

 

Maybe in future get togethers two tables could be reserved: one for people who wish to spend time on their devices, and one for people who wish to engage with one another. At a private home, maybe a bedroom could be set aside for where people who would prefer to be involved with their devices could go. Or maybe the invitation could specify that only emergency use should be made of cell phones.

 

We don't have cellular coverage where we live, so anyone coming to visit us has to be okay with being cell free for the length of the visit.

[eternalsummer]

Oh I should have clarified that I only say that in regards to adults who are being rude. I don't make rules for adults but they should know it is rude and should be modelling proper manners. If they can't I tell my kids so. If it was another person's child I would simply tell them that the rule in my house is we don't use electronics at specific times(like at the table when we're eating, or if we're all playing a game together.)

 

Your examples of clothes and food are different in my mind because they don't have to do with manners at all so I wouldn't address a question like that in the same way.

 

Ah yes, we are much more direct with adults too :)

[mamiof5]

I wouldn't do or say anything (unless the one doing it is my child or dh). I do find it very rude. My friends and I rarely ever do it, and if for some reason we have to be checking our phone we apologize beforehand.

[Bluegoat]

Maybe the modern tendency toward engaging in electronic device communication rather than with people present IRL could make an interesting topic of conversation in such a case. It seems to be a major problem nowadays.  

 

I have a relative who does it because, I believe, it makes him feel like a VIP. 

 

Kids at school do it unless required not to.

 

 

 

Maybe in future get togethers two tables could be reserved: one for people who wish to spend time on their devices, and one for people who wish to engage with one another. At a private home, maybe a bedroom could be set aside for where people who would prefer to be involved with their devices could go. Or maybe the invitation could specify that only emergency use should be made of cell phones.

 

We don't have cellular coverage where we live, so anyone coming to visit us has to be okay with being cell free for the length of the visit.

 

At our last family reunion, we had one family leave early because their teens were so perturbed they could not get on Facebook.  We were at a spectacular old hunting lodge in the middle of an old growth forest, with a fire pit and canoes and a ton of people.

[Ottakee]

My friend's parents have a sign by there door stating their welcome their grandkids but they want them "fully present" when they visit so all cell phones have to go in a basket in the garage.

 

I have to ask my friend if she and her dh are exempt from this....likely they are as she is a doctor and he is a pastor so more likely to have a real NEED to be contacted.

 

When I go away with dh I try to leave my phone behind or off and tell our respite provider etc to call dh phone or the house phone of where we will be, etc.

 

I try to leave my phone in the car when I walk with my friend mentioned above. We walk on her lunch break and I figure that life will go on if people can't reach me for an hour. She occ. Does have to take her phone if she is waiting on stat lab tests, a specialist, etc and I totally understand that.

 

Right now we have a suicidal teen so then I do have my phone on me more.

[StephanieZ]

I don't correct adults.  Even in my home. 

 

Exactly!

 

(If it were my kid or my dh, then I might correct them very carefully and privately . . . But other than those few adults, I don't think it's my place to even try to correct another adult.)

 

Unless someone is actually abusive towards someone (i.e., yelling at my kid or making a racist joke), I wouldn't say anything. Being rude with phone use is bad manners, but it's not abusive behavior that, in my book, would indeed require my intervention. 

 

So, I'd just ignore the bad behavior. I might take note and avoid inviting that person to the next event, but I wouldn't try to intervene any more than I'd correct another adult's fork choice or nose picking.

 

That said, of course it is rude. I don't do it. If my phone buzzes during a social engagement, I glance at it, but I only answer if it is my kids, someone who "has" my kids somewhere, or something that may be some other critical business or personal matter -- a friend in crisis or a business call that can't be missed or something like that. I always explain and apologize, and I excuse myself from the room if the communications will be continued more than a moment. 

[J-rap]

I don't correct adults on things like this. It's not my job to parent them.

 

I can, however, choose with whom I spend my time. I would not spend time with people who were distracted by their cell phones all the time. These people would no longer be invited to my social events.

 

I know several people who get really bent out of shape if they even see someone with a cellphone in their hand while they are with them. I don't limit my cellphone use because of their attitudes. If I find that using my cellphone is necessary, I say something like, "This is my daughter, and I need to respond," or "My dad is calling, so I need to answer," and then I excuse myself and attend to the business at hand. I don't feel the need to allow other people's concerns about cell phones to dictate how I prioritize things, but I also don't have casual texting conversations with one person when I am with other people.

 

I have a terrible memory of trying and trying and trying to reach my parents once when they were having dinner with friends and I needed them, but their hosts had turned off the house phone (pre-cell phone era) so they wouldn't be "disturbed." If my kids or my parents call or text me, I will answer, regardless of whether anyone I am with thinks I'm rude.

 

That makes sense to me, and I wouldn't have a problem with your examples at all.

[Guest]

I do not think it is wrong to tell someone not to do something at your house or out to eat with you. A friend of mine did this - I flat out told her it was annoying. Why should I waste my time to find childcare and go eat with her when she is going to spend 80% of the time on her phone?! Some people do not realize how rude it is and they need to be told, corrected. An *adult* should be able to handle positive criticism and if they dont agree, then as an adult they can do as they wish but I will not be inviting that person over to my house or out to eat again!

Theyre already doing as they wish, though, ykwim? Its just not what you wish theyd wish.

 

------

 

Im like Farrar. If were close ill be like, "whats up?" Ive had friends do the same to me, and then we talk about whatever is, indeed, up. And otherwise i let it go.

 

I also agree that it sounds like a married person thing in this case.

[J-rap]

It sounds to me like this was more between this gentleman and his wife. Clearly he didn't want to be there and he was letting her and everyone else know via bad behaviour. He was absolutely letting her know that she could make him come, but she couldn't make him act like an adult.

 

I wouldn't insert myself into their relationship by publicly calling him out. Nor would I make it any more difficult for her. It's not her fault, and saying something would only embarrass her. He is obviously beyond embarrassment on this subject. Nor would I not invite him again if it meant giving up my friendship with my friend. Again, that just punishes her. And I certainly wouldn't get all passive aggressive about it and chide him via other people, because that is just as rude.

 

The best answer to bad manners is not more bad manners, but good manners. Be the change you want to see, people. If you don't want someone isolating with technology then don't do it yourself and make a point of being the focal point of witty repartee at the gathering.  That's really all we can do.  And maybe respond by giving people the benefit of the doubt as well.  Maybe it really was work related, and he doesn't know to excuse himself. Maybe he has social anxiety and that is his coping mechanism. Or maybe he's a jerk. But you aren't going to fix it with a public shaming and you will only be displaying your own bad manners.

 

Better to engage his partner in a nice conversation about books or movies or pets so she doesn't have to sit there and feel responsible for his bad showing.

 

Good points.

 

[nd293]

I don't correct adults. Even in my home.

Me neither, but I also don't invite them back again. In a group setting where that happened (with the children in the party) I suggested to the host that she include a "Let's leave the phones at home" type line in the invitation next time, and she did. (It bothered her as well.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I suppose it's not a whole lot different than a person knitting the whole time.  it might seem somewhat different, but is it really?  Some people like to do a bunch of things at the same time I guess.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well you can invite me over.  I don't even carry my cell phone anywhere.  And it's not a smart phone.  So if I ignore you, it'll be for some other reason.  :laugh:

[J-rap]

 

Right now we have a suicidal teen so then I do have my phone on me more.

 

I'm sorry.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:   You certainly have every right to have your phone on you!!