Do you get 'grief' from your family?

[ErinE]

.

Edited November 8, 2016 by ErinE

[Valley Girl]

Is your relationship with your family good enough that you can level with them? "I know I was obnoxious as a kid/teen. I've apologized. I've changed, and I haven't been that person for decades. It's distressing to have to listen to the same negative stories every time we get together. Can you please stop?" Maybe remind them that THEY wouldn't like to have their mistakes trotted out for all to hear over and over again. If that doesn't work, let them that if they want you to attend, they will need to respect your wishes.

[zoobie]

I'd push back too. How rude! Family should be a safe place. Sure, parents tell cute, fond stories, but telling tales meant to embarrass and denigrate their children or siblings are entirely inappropriate. Maybe they have some tales they'd like you to share with everyone? UGH!

[OneStepAtATime]

Sadly, yes, some people have a hard time letting go of the relationships/dynamics of the past. DH's family is like this. My paternal grandmother was like this. I remember a 2nd or 3rd cousin was bending over backwards to help me settle some issues with my great aunt's estate (and getting nothing out of it besides just helping a cousin since it wasn't even a relative on his side of the family) and my grandmother told me not to trust him. I asked why. She told me that when he was 12 he and some other boys got caught stealing something (don't recall what now) as a dare. The guy was in his 30s. She still saw him as a 12 year old who exibited bad judgement on one occassion.

 

Personally? I would try to talk very firmly and clearly with them about how you feel and how hard you have worked to achieve what you have. Be honest that what you need now is their support and encouragement or at the very least to just let the past go. If they are unwilling to do that then I suspect your issues as a kid were less about you and more about how they approached raising you.

 

Hugs. That is a tough place to be. Don't let their inability to let go harm you.

[SKL]

I would just calmly state that it bothers you to keep hearing these same negative stories repeated in front of people.  I have siblings who provided lots of "material," but when one of them pushed back, people stopped turning to this particular source of entertainment.

[Penguin]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

A friend of mine (who is now in his 50s) has greatly suffered from this situation, and it really made an impact on me.

One of my own was a very difficult teen, and I will not do that to him. Nor will I stand for it in my presence. It can be very damaging.

 

I say push back.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Penguin

[J-rap]

I would feel the same as you!!  Can you at least talk with the parent who does this, and request that they stop bringing it up?  What was in the past is in the past.  I think it is very unkind and useless for someone to keep bringing it up.  Honestly, if other relatives keep bringing it up, I think I would stop getting together with them.  Enough is enough.

[Tess in the Burbs]

If they are being negative all the time about your past, then yes, it's time to say something.  If it's done in fun and not every time, it's probably not meant to be hurtful.  I am no longer who I was in my early 20's.  I was fiercely independent.  When Dh asked my dad about marrying me, my dad said I wanted it, then he was fine.  My dad knew me settling down was about zero chance lol.  But yes, sometimes they bring up my crazy years.  It was only a few years.  But it defined me.  It did change me.  And when I was ready to mature and change, I think everyone was happy.  And while those years are way longer than the crazy years....it's not eventful, so they don't focus on that.  I know they aren't being mean.  

 

I do think it's easy to set kids up for failure.  My son is slow.  He takes his time getting dressed, eating, school, chores, etc.  He's the one we wait for.  And honestly I think he's just accepted he's slow at these things and doesn't try to go faster.  I can't figure out how to change it.  He's taken on that identity.  

 

I would probably remind family gently at first.  Hey, I have been a productive adult x # of years vs those other years.  And if they don't get the hint, then yes, tell them their focus on the bad part of your life hurts you.  Can they focus on all the good years?

 

[Spryte]

I'm so sorry. No one deserves that.

 

I deal with something similar, from a stepparent. I was a good kid, not perfect, but certainly not awful. No drinking. No drugs. Excellent grades till my life fell apart due to other issues, and then they stayed decent. Nothing worthy of the comments I receive. Certainly not considering the history of the other siblings, who pretty much ran the gamut of bad behaviors. When the stories reached a new pitch several years ago, of including things that *never happened* ... I stopped attending family events. My kids don't need to hear stories from my "childhood" that actually didn't even occur.

 

Since you don't want things to get to that point, of not attending, I'd have a frank conversation with the safest person - the most understanding parent is where I'd start. Do it while not at an event, while everyone is calm. Then brainstorm how to handle it at events.

 

Hugs to you!

[Entropymama]

It might be normal, as in a lot of families do this, but it's not okay. DH flushed his mother's pearl earrings down the toilet when he was 3 or 4 (he was too young to remember). Every time we get together with them, which isn't often, it's brought up. Drives me insane. He laughs it off, and I know they aren't meaning to be hurtful, but it's cruel to embarrass someone in the name of fun.

 

[wintermom]

.

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by wintermom

[momof4babes]

When I first got my drivers license I planned a trip to see my cousins an 2 hours west of us.

I didn't realize that I got on the highway going the wrong direction, and drove for over an hour before calling for help.

 

One cousin in particular has brought this up at every single family get together for the last 2 decades. 😡

[SKL]

My family always accuses me of being a terrible cook.  This is based on the time when I was 12 and had the job of cooking the family dinner 3 days a week.  My then-14yo brother was initially my cooking instructor, and then he was gone to football and I was on my own.  I did not enjoy cooking, did not plan perfectly, and was not brilliant about fixing mistakes.  After some months of this arrangement, I was reassigned to another chore and never looked back.  However, 37 years later, my family still jokes "don't ask SKL to cook, you'll get ptomaine poisoning."  :/

 

FTR I have cooked in the interim and nobody died.  :P

[MrsRobinson]

It stings just reading your post. In my case, it was a huge personality clash. My parent didn't understand me at all and didn't put effort into trying to meet me in the middle. There was a lot of strain in the relationship. I was the better arguer since I was coming at it with a logical approach and the parent was coming in with emotion. Parent didn't like loosing the argument and in hindsight I should have not engaged but that is not something a teen understands the value of.

 

Anyway, to this day, everyone treats me just the same way they did when I was 15 and re-hashing all the same stories. My sister really loves those stories because they make her look like the golden child.

 

I finally leveled with her privately and in a much larger conversation about it, I finally asked her if she thought I was that same person? She said no of course not. I then told her that it was extremely hurtful to have to hear how ugly I made things back in the day and I was growing tired of jumping through hoops to prove I am not that person anymore. She really had no idea I felt self conscious about it and she hasn't brought up any of it since or participated in the conversations of my other family members when they bring it up. It's been huge. I am really glad I said something. I have yet to say anything to the rest of them.

 

FIL has one story about me from when dh and I were dating. I hate it. His side of the story is much worse than what happened before he entered the story. But I don't want to get into it. So people only hear his side. I finally had it a few months ago and saw he was working up to the story in a group that hadn't heard it yet and I cut him off. "Nope. sorry, folks! You're not hearing this story tonight." Fil looks at me shocked. "What? Why not?" I said "that was 15 years ago. I was practically a kid, I've outgrown it. I don't want my kids to hear it. We're all moving on with our lives." Some liquid courage may have been at play that night. ;) He told dh the next day he was just having fun and didn't know it upset me. Dh reinforced me by saying if he knew what was good for him, he'd let the story die. We'll see at the next dinner party if he took us seriously.

 

So I share my story to say, if you can be compelling, and really allow the family member to see your pain, its worth a shot to say something. I feel for you though, truly. It sucks.

[ErinE]

.

Edited November 8, 2016 by ErinE

[KungFuPanda]

With family I find the effort is best spent in changing your own reactions/feelings. If they're completely toxic and harmful that's one thing, and only you can determine that. However, if you're just tired of them rerunning old stories I'm not sure there is a fix for that. My grandmother has told the same stories for my entire life. I'm ready to stab my ears out and they're not even about me. It's just what some old people do :-/

[Tanaqui]

Boundaries, and consistency.

 

Step one, tell your family that it upsets you to hear these stories, because you think you've changed. You know you've changed, in fact, because they don't tell any more recent stories. Point out that you don't tell stories about them that embarrass them and hurt their feelings, and ask that they show you the same consideration.

 

Step two, next time they do it - leave. This is the hard part, but it's the part that works. "I'm sorry, it's really very upsetting to me to hear stories of how I used to be. If you want to tell those stories, I can't stop you, but I don't want to hear them." And then leave the room, leave the party, hop in the car and go home if that's what it takes.

 

Sooner or later, even very stupid people get the hint and stop doing it. Or they don't, which does show that they don't particularly care much about your feelings or having your company. My guess is that your family is in the former group.

 

Undoubtedly, they'll start telling themselves new stories about how "sensitive" you are. But you know what? They won't be doing it where you can hear!

Edited March 28, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Valley Girl]

Others are suggesting changing your own feelings about it since that's what you can control. There's wisdom in that. However, at a certain point--and especially if the stories are embarrassing or reference some really negative things that you've worked hard to overcome--you have a right to say "enough." There should be a statute of limitations on dredging up memories from the painful past for the purposes of entertainment.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 25, 2016 by cathey

[Carrie12345]

I am sorry they put you in that situation.

 

I don't know what's "normal".  In my family, my sisters and I not only legitimately laugh with the story tellers, we get a kick out of spilling stories people DIDN'T know about.  But of course it wouldn't be okay if it wasn't mutually amusing.

[OneStepAtATime]

I think another part of the problem may be that people fall into a familiar pattern because is it safer/easier.  They know they can trot out these specific stories, they know what to say, they kind of know what the reaction of the rest of the family will be and it is entertaining (or so they think).  It gives them something to do that they don't have to really think much about when in a large group of family members that don't see each other every day.  

 

ETA:  That still doesn't make it a good idea if the stories are causing pain to another family member.  They may need some very clearly laid out and specific conversations taking them from point A to point B to point C for them to understand why this could be hurtful/damaging.

Edited March 28, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Ellesmere]

I think it is common. I have seen it a lot.

Rerunning stories is one thing. My family does that. But it's mostly good, slightly embarrassing but happy stuff. With one of my relatives all I ever hear from one set of parents is how terrible one of their kids was as a baby. Nothing happy or kind. They trot out the same old stories, subconsciously reminding him of who should bear the blame for their family issues. Getting that kind of grief at every family gathering has to get old.

It's more than just old people droning on and on. It's reinforcing the family narrative that this kid was the source of their family distress (deflecting blame from a controlling parent) and making sure none of them have to look bad.

With one set of cousins, they have a "never let it go" dynamic. But it works for them, somehow. They tease each other mercilessly and the happier they are with each other, the worse the stories/teasing gets. I don't love that but if they are happy, whatever. To an extent they do it to me (I'm still the fat one even though I'm half their size and haven't been overweight since I was two) but none of it is mean spirited so I let it slide. If it was like you describe,  then no, I wouldn't feel obligated to let it go one because you were a jerk for a while. I was far worse than how you described yourself in my early teens and have never heard any of my antics repeated. 

Nor have they made me feel as if I owe them anything for what I put them through. So if you are wondering if it is possible for family to get over it and move on, then yes, mine did. I don't think it was easy and obviously it was to my advantage that they are a forgiving lot, but I don't think it's too much to ask of your family to forgive and move on. I hope that they ease up on you.

[Mbelle]

It's just not generous.  Are you telling ugly stories about them?  Probably not.  
I have found people who tell stories like that tend to get very upset when the tables are turned and it gets ugly really quick.

I kind of think it's a form of social bullying.  It needs to be addressed.  If they say you are being to sensitive that is typical bully excuses.

If they love you and respect you they will stop.  I would use exactly those words when talking to them about it.  

[HS Mom in NC]

No, it's not normal.  I was difficult too and my family doesn't keep pointing it out. 

It sounds like your family needs to switch to a more positive outlook too.  You're a good example they should be following. 

I think pushing back and setting boundaries is appropriate.

[Murphy101]

They used to until I told them I had every reason to be like that as a child because I was living with them.

 

Because seriously, yes, that's how I feel about it.

 

I'm not like that anymore.

 

Because I don't need to be to survive living with people like that anymore.

 

And they always comment on how my kids are "too good". Yeah. Whatever. If that's the best critique of my kids they can come up with, then I'm not going to lose sleep over it. My kids are a lot like my dh and I. That they never saw that in me as a child is just another reflection on the environment they raised me in.

[Murphy101]

We (dh and I with our kids) retell their childhood stories, but it's all in good fun.

 

You can tell when it's not really about good fun but about making sure that person knows their place and that that place is just a little less and below than those poking "fun". Gotta be sure they don't get too decent an opinion of themselves or start to get ideas that they know better about anything.

[Murphy101]

dbl post

Edited March 28, 2016 by Murphy101

[gardenmom5]

they are being petty.  they may also need to find something else to talk about - you'd think they'd have a life.

 

I might even consider a rejoinder of: "I'm sorry I was so difficult -   I now realize I was just following your example of always harping on the negatives."

[Arcadia]

My relatives will say that my kids are as mischievous as me in a dialect so my kids don't understand but I am still as mischievous as before.

 

My relatives are "gossipy" enough that there is always something else to talk about.

 

I'll be firm then curt if I need to. One time only is embarrassing but tolerable. Retelling is annoying and bordering on hurting.

[gardenmom5]

It might be normal, as in a lot of families do this, but it's not okay. DH flushed his mother's pearl earrings down the toilet when he was 3 or 4 (he was too young to remember). Every time we get together with them, which isn't often, it's brought up. Drives me insane. He laughs it off, and I know they aren't meaning to be hurtful, but it's cruel to embarrass someone in the name of fun.

the fact they are bringing up something a 4yo did over and over and over . . . they need get over it.  seriously. to me it sounds like some serious animosity they are in denial about.  ds dumped a bottle of expensive perfume out on my brand new cherry dresser ruining the finish.  not long afterwards - he took advantage of me being in the shower to paint his nails and got  polish on both the dresser, and my bedding. . . he was also 4.  I *might* have told that story half a dozen times in 20+ years.

eta: the very few  times it was brought up was usually in response to commiserate with someone whose child just destroyed something.  it's not uncommon for little kids to do such things, and reassure them - this too will pass . . . .

 

 

 

One cousin in particular has brought this up at every single family get together for the last 2 decades. 😡

cousin must not have much of a life. . .

 

 

And they always comment on how my kids are "too good". 

what does that even mean?  it was similar to my grandmother and her "they aren't our kind of people." what does that even mean?

Edited March 28, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Farrar]

Sil gives dh grief for being such a stuck-up know-it-all type as a kid. It makes me crazy. I want to go shake her and be like, "That was more than thirty years ago! Get over yourself!" every time she tries to go there. Dh just rolls his eyes. He's like, okay, whatever. She has issues. But I can see how it keeps them from being closer as adults. She was no peach herself as a kid for totally different reasons but dh wouldn't give her grief about it. Oy.

 

I think it's really obvious when it's siblings that the person giving the grief is being childish - holding on to things that are long dead issues. But I think it's just as petty for parents (parents!) to hold on to old stuff like that. They're being just as childish and stuck in the past.

 

I agree with laying it out for them. Direct and clear. You've put up with it for years but you did something hard - you changed and you're an adult and deserve to be treated with more kindness.

[mommymonster]

My family hasn't bothered to get to know me as an adult, so they just keep trotting out the "old stories." It's old.

 

That being said, I've tried to communicate with my kiddos differently. I only tell the boys fun and silly stories about growing up, usually about groups. I'm also pretty careful to not make proclamations about my kiddos' personalities ("You're so weird!" or "You'e such a whiner!"). Golly, those pronouncements get old fast -- and tend to turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. My dad's stepson was always referred to as "XXX, the naughty kid." It's like his name wasn't "XXX" anymore, just "XXX, the naughty kid." And, yes. He's been in jail more times than I can count...

[Guest]

My family does this, it's annoying.

[Pen]

 

It sounds like I need to be more firm. I've mentioned to my parent that the stories are old, but they often retold in front of others and I fear I'll come across as ungracious if I raise an objection. The new person may not have heard the story before, but I hear them every time we get together.

 

I have apologized for my behavior and that story was used in front of a stranger. It included a description of my child's outburst, which upset me even more. I'm kicking myself for not saying something at the moment. 

 

I love my parent and siblings, but I feel like there's no forgiveness.

 

 

 

Is the tone being used one that suggests a parent telling a story as something that looking back on it they are now a bit charmed by how you were and how you have changed?  Such that though mortifying to you to hear it, the apparent intent in the teller is not negative? Or is this seeming like they are doing it because they do not forgive and are getting back at you over and over for your childhood behavior?

 

If you cannot tell, can you ask directly?

 

How I'd tend to handle it would depend on which of those it is.

[Murphy101]

Why would someone need to apologize for crap they did as a CHILD? Several people have suggested this and I don't get it at all.

 

It's not exactly news that kids, bc they are young and inexperienced, tend to do stupid and or selfish or just wrong crap.

 

No, I don't apologize for stuff I did when I was 10 or 15 years old or whatever. Any grown person who remembers it and is still hung up on it 3 or 4 decades later has issues that no apology from me can fix.

 

I find the idea that we should apologize for who we were as little children or stupid teens to be utterly ridiculous.

 

How far does this go? Should my kid who basicly didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until he was nearly 5 apologize? What about the baby who spent most of his first 18 months puking on me every single day apologize? What about the teen who was a cranky pita when he came down with mono?

 

Just no.

 

I guess I could see apologizing to a fellow teen I wronged as a teen if I'd done something awful... Like idk. Drunk drive and hurt them or something really bad. But for just being a pita kid? No. That's nutters.

 

Any grown adult who thinks that anything we did as a little kid or teen entitles them to belittle and humiliate and paint us badly now has too many issues for us to fix in any conversation.

[HS Mom in NC]

In the immortal words of the great Viking Ragnar Lothbrok, "Don't waste your time looking back-you aren't going that way." They need to stuff a sock in it.

 

This may come from my biased point of view, but I think if every time extended family gets together they bring up the dumb thing a (then) child did decades ago, it must be because they don't have much going on in their own lives in the present.  I have several older relatives who do bring up the same old stories (nice, funny ones) over and over again and the thing all of those people have in common is that there's not much is going on in their lives now.

Too many able bodied and able minded older people made the mistake of retiring without pursuing interests other than watching TV/movies, shopping and eating out.  No one should watch the news or daytime TV all day long. Shopping isn't a legitimate hobby.  Eating out is fine if you can afford it, but it isn't a full life if that's all you do outside your home.   Life is doing-not watching, not having, not sitting. The less you do with your body, mind and relationships as you age the faster you lose your body, mind and relationships as you age.  As long as you are able read books, volunteer, grow things, make things, take walks, travel to interesting places, develop meaningful relationships with people, learn something new, try something new, and other things.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't enjoy that either.  I don't have any advice though.

 

I basically have no family so nobody has anything good or bad to say to me.

 

 

[Doodlebug]

I'm really sorry... I don't think this is healthy, but I've seen it enough to know that a lot of people think it's normal.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I was a quiet pleaser kid, and I get ragged about that.  I'm now "the uptight one."  No one can be a winner in this kind of family culture.  

 

Sad, isn't it?

[ErinE]

.

 

Edited November 8, 2016 by ErinE

[Murphy101]

 

Perhaps my family has no positive memories of me as a child, which is a sad thought. I have a lot of regrets and I have apologized to my relatives. I let my kids know I wish I had been kinder when I was younger.

 

I tell stories to my children, but I try to frame it positively. I think there's a distinction between relating a story about a child having hiccups every day during pregnancy as something you waited for and a story involving twenty-four hours of labor and ending with, "You were a stubborn brat from the beginning." The first few times, it might be funny, but it gets old fast.

 

Every story about me ends with a riff off of my past bad behavior and calling the childhood me names. I won't list the words, but it's every word people would give a stubborn, contradictory girl. I've ignored it through the years, but I was particularly bothered this past weekend because one story included my child. The ending thought was I was getting what I deserved. It seems unkind, especially because my children are generally well behaved. Why pull my children into my past drama?

Stop it with the regrets and the apologies. You were a kid. Lots of kids are difficult pains in the butts to raise. That's nothing to be apologetic or carry lifelong regret for. Sure you don't want to be that person and you aren't, so that's great and part of you having grown up and learned from your errors. It's just part of life and caring adults with half a brain know this and should get over it accordingly. Not hold it over you like some kind of never ending self proclaimed accountability enforcers.

 

You can love your family and acknowledge that the way they treat you is not loving in return.

[Farrar]

Ugh. I feel so sad reading that they brought your kids into it. I do agree you should stop apologizing. Kids get a pass for being jerks. It's the natural state of a lot of kids. If they don't grow and change, that's one thing, but you did grow and change. Now they're the ones being negative jerks.

[Murphy101]

Ugh. I feel so sad reading that they brought your kids into it. I do agree you should stop apologizing. Kids get a pass for being jerks. It's the natural state of a lot of kids. If they don't grow and change, that's one thing, but you did grow and change. Now they're the ones being negative jerks.

Yeah. That (okay I meant to type witchy but oh well) elementary me? She's got nothing on angry mama bear me if someone pulls stuff on my kids like I had to deal with at their ages. Nope. Not gonna slide with my kids on my watch.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Murphy101

[wendy not in HI]

I have two sisters who do this to a lesser degree.  It is like they are stuck in high school.  Every time we are together, they bring up a story about high school, usually something stupid that I did and/or something awesome that they did.  It is irritating and makes me a little frustrated that every time we get together I look like a nincompoop - is that the word? I don't want to also look petty, so I usually just laugh it off, but it is irritating.  

 

The more I think about it, the more I think they are basically stuck in high school.  Like high school was the best of times for them, and every story they tell is stuck there.  Nothing else in their life has ever been as awesome, so they are hyper focused on their high school awesomeness, which means that to them I am also stuck in my high school awkwardness and bad-choice-ness.  That stinks.

 

On the other hand I'm easily embarrassed. I worry about embarrassing others, so I try really hard to not bring up stories that might hurt someones feelings or might embarrass someone.  I find it completely baffling that others would tell stories that embarrass me On purpose. Repeatedly!!  I would never do that.  I think that makes the whole dynamic bigger in my eyes, where to them, the stories are just for fun and they aren't feeling embarrassed at all, so it's not a big deal, just a fun way to make conversation...  

 

I don't know.  I'm sorry for you.  I would probably not say something in real life, but I might write a note about it afterward if I could get the courage...

[happypamama]

I'd push back too. How rude! Family should be a safe place. Sure, parents tell cute, fond stories, but telling tales meant to embarrass and denigrate their children or siblings are entirely inappropriate. Maybe they have some tales they'd like you to share with everyone? UGH!

I completely agree with this.  It's one thing to tell cute stories, and it's one thing to casually mention "oh, she used to be like X," but this sounds rude and just plain unkind.  I would have a talk with them, maybe not right in the moment, and tell them that you've really made an effort to change and that it's painful that they keep bringing it up.  Then, if it continues, limit contact.  You don't need that.

 

As for "you've been like that since birth," I definitely see some ways that some of my children's traits have been part of them since birth, or before birth.  But especially in front of the children, I try to see the positive side of those traits, rather than the negative side.  My child who took his good sweet time making his appearance has always been a child who is cautious; rather than look at that as a negative, I realize that it also means he is careful and deliberate.  And I hope he knows that he was worth every minute of that wait.  

[Pen]

 

Perhaps my family has no positive memories of me as a child, which is a sad thought. I have a lot of regrets and I have apologized to my relatives. I let my kids know I wish I had been kinder when I was younger.

 

I tell stories to my children, but I try to frame it positively. I think there's a distinction between relating a story about a child having hiccups every day during pregnancy as something you waited for and  a story involving twenty-four hours of labor and ending with, "You were a stubborn brat from the beginning." The first few times, it might be funny, but it gets old fast.

 

Every story about me ends with a riff off of my past bad behavior and calling the childhood me names. I won't list the words, but it's every word people would give a stubborn, contradictory girl. I've ignored it through the years, but I was particularly bothered this past weekend because one story included my child. The ending thought was I was getting what I deserved. It seems unkind, especially because my children are generally well behaved. Why pull my children into my past drama?

 

 

 

Sounds out and out abusive. 

 

Sounds like maybe you are a family scapegoat --  and always have been, starting with 24 hour labor and newborn days which you had no control over.

[teachermom2834]

It's just not generous. Are you telling ugly stories about them? Probably not.

I have found people who tell stories like that tend to get very upset when the tables are turned and it gets ugly really quick.

I kind of think it's a form of social bullying. It needs to be addressed. If they say you are being to sensitive that is typical bully excuses.

If they love you and respect you they will stop. I would use exactly those words when talking to them about it.

This. I was bullied by my family as a child.They trot out family stories they find amusing and I remember the stories differently. I remember them as stories of my bullying. I will not tolerate these stories. My family thinks I am over sensitive and can't take a joke. I shut the stories down immediately for a couple years. It was awkward but no one brings up family stories on me anymore.

[catz]

That is super obnoxious.  I could definitely have some similar stories told about me during childhood.  I think in normal children without extenuating issues like mental illness, autism, ADHD, etc often kids that act out like that are not having their emotional needs met in some way.  My own parents I think were doing the best with the tools they had at the time as young parents in the 70's.  However, I was a very sensitive child that may have had a label if I were born now, and my parents had no time for drama.  I definitely felt like my emotional needs were overlooked and that exacerbated behaviors my parents certainly found annoying. 

 

The fact that your relatives bully you now may indicate that they were a party to your behavior as a child IMO. 

[mamaofgirls]

Growing up, I was not a well-behaved child with my family. I didn't get into trouble in public; in fact, I received several awards in secondary school for outstanding student and earned scholarships that paid for my college education. However, there are numerous stories, justifiably so, about my difficult personality. I was critical, negative, stubborn, and generally a big pain to be around.

 

After high school, I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore and made a conscious decision to be more positive. Over the years, I've had several relatives comment that I turned out better than expected, given my behavior as a child. But the constant reminders of my past behavior are wearing on me. I'm approaching two decades where I changed my outlook and at every family reunion, the same old stories are trotted out, in front of current friends and DH's family. A parent is particularly guilty of this, but my siblings and other relatives participate. I've begun pushing back, but there's an attitude that I deserve it because I caused so much grief as a child. 

 

Is this normal?

 

I'm determined that I won't do this to my children.

 

I feel the same way sometimes! Know matter how much I regret the things I have done - I was a child and did not know better (nor was I tought any better) yet some family never seems to forget... Its nice to know I am not alone :)

[gardenmom5]

 

Perhaps my family has no positive memories of me as a child, which is a sad thought. I have a lot of regrets and I have apologized to my relatives. I let my kids know I wish I had been kinder when I was younger.

 

I tell stories to my children, but I try to frame it positively. I think there's a distinction between relating a story about a child having hiccups every day during pregnancy as something you waited for and  a story involving twenty-four hours of labor and ending with, "You were a stubborn brat from the beginning." The first few times, it might be funny, but it gets old fast.

 

Every story about me ends with a riff off of my past bad behavior and calling the childhood me names. I won't list the words, but it's every word people would give a stubborn, contradictory girl. I've ignored it through the years, but I was particularly bothered this past weekend because one story included my child. The ending thought was I was getting what I deserved. It seems unkind, especially because my children are generally well behaved. Why pull my children into my past drama?

 

 

this needs to stop - it's denigrating.  the apologizing needs to stop - it actually make them think they can keep getting away with this garbage. I would push back IN FRONT OF their audience.   if this embarrasses them in front of their new friends (I'd assume all the old ones have heard the stories before) because they've displayed  how mean and petty they really are - tough beans.

 

learn about boundaries.  if they love you - they'll stop when you tell them how tired of it you are and it hurts you to hear it every single time you're  together. that you've worked hard to change  and be a better person - and you'd like them to respect you enough to acknowledge that fact.

 

if you're their scapegoat to feeling better about themselves by putting you down. . . (seriously?  starting from the long labor and delivery???? they need to get over themselves.)  nothing you say will stop them - and you will need to enact hard and fast boundaries.  which tends to tick of snotty family members who get-off on putting down other family members.

[Tanaqui]

Perhaps my family has no positive memories of me as a child, which is a sad thought. I have a lot of regrets and I have apologized to my relatives. I let my kids know I wish I had been kinder when I was younger.

 

Erin, seriously, what did you do? Did you murder somebody? Did you relentlessly bully your siblings? Did you rob a bank, or drain your parents' bank accounts buying drugs?

 

None of those things? You were just stubborn and argumentative?

 

Sometimes, when children are stubborn and argumentative, it's because they aren't getting what they need, and this is the only tool they have to defend themselves. Sometimes, when children are stubborn and argumentative, it's because nobody is teaching them other ways to interact. And sometimes, when children are stubborn and argumentative, it's because they're immature. That's why we call them children.

 

I don't know you, and I don't know your family. I don't pretend to know why they do this, or if they know it hurts you. These things don't matter. What does matter is that it DOES upset you, and you have a right to have your needs respected and your feelings heard. Maybe all it will take is you asking them nicely to please stop. Maybe you'll have to be more firm. But seriously - you don't need to keep on apologizing for being childish when you actually were a child! Your family can either forgive you or not - at this stage, that is out of your hands.