Do you get 'grief' from your family?

[mom@shiloh]

  It's rude of your family and hurtful to you. I definitely agree that they must be told to stop and if they don't, I would stop going to family functions.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ugh. I feel so sad reading that they brought your kids into it. I do agree you should stop apologizing. Kids get a pass for being jerks. It's the natural state of a lot of kids. If they don't grow and change, that's one thing, but you did grow and change. Now they're the ones being negative jerks.

 

The thought, "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," came to mind after reading this.  Maybe they are being their negative selves and have not changed much.

[eternalsummer]

I think it's possible, though I do not know your situation and could be totally wrong, that they were comfortable with their perception of you as "bad" (in whatever ways they taught you to think you were bad), and now that you are what they would normally perceive as "good," the power dynamics have changed, not in their favor.  They are no longer the good ones and you the bad one; they have lost the moral authority they thought they had.  Most people do not take well to losing a high horse.  So in response, perhaps, they must reinforce, both to you and to strangers (who reflect what they put out, so they can see it), that what you *really* are, at heart, from the beginning, is the "bad" one.

 

Maybe that is not your situation at all but their behavior reminds me of things I have seen, where when people grow up and become ascendant (especially as their generation becomes ascendant in society) and are successful, either financially or personally or socially or whatever, others who used to be in power over them (parents, or "good" siblings, etc.) cannot adapt to the new dynamic gracefully and try to hold onto whatever moral high ground they can find, even if it is not legitimate.

[gardenmom5]

I think it's possible, though I do not know your situation and could be totally wrong, that they were comfortable with their perception of you as "bad" (in whatever ways they taught you to think you were bad), and now that you are what they would normally perceive as "good," the power dynamics have changed, not in their favor.  They are no longer the good ones and you the bad one; they have lost the moral authority they thought they had.  Most people do not take well to losing a high horse.  So in response, perhaps, they must reinforce, both to you and to strangers (who reflect what they put out, so they can see it), that what you *really* are, at heart, from the beginning, is the "bad" one.

 

Maybe that is not your situation at all but their behavior reminds me of things I have seen, where when people grow up and become ascendant (especially as their generation becomes ascendant in society) and are successful, either financially or personally or socially or whatever, others who used to be in power over them (parents, or "good" siblings, etc.) cannot adapt to the new dynamic gracefully and try to hold onto whatever moral high ground they can find, even if it is not legitimate.

 

I agree with this.  *especially* for people whose entire self-identity is dependent upon being better/stronger/faster than someone else.  their self-identity is wrapped up in things that are not healthy.

 

but I also know people whose self-identity is more focused upon healthier attributes - and they are not like this.   so, it's certainly not everyone.

 

you'll be able to tell which ones they are by how they react to telling them to knock it off because you find it hurtful. 

if they're wrapped up in power over others - they'll tell you you're oversensitive and to get-over it.  (prepare to utilize boundaries in the future.  that's the only way you can handle this type.)

if they have a healthier outlook, they'll change because they respect you.

[ErinE]

I think it's possible, though I do not know your situation and could be totally wrong, that they were comfortable with their perception of you as "bad" (in whatever ways they taught you to think you were bad), and now that you are what they would normally perceive as "good," the power dynamics have changed, not in their favor.  They are no longer the good ones and you the bad one; they have lost the moral authority they thought they had.  Most people do not take well to losing a high horse.  So in response, perhaps, they must reinforce, both to you and to strangers (who reflect what they put out, so they can see it), that what you *really* are, at heart, from the beginning, is the "bad" one.

 

Maybe that is not your situation at all but their behavior reminds me of things I have seen, where when people grow up and become ascendant (especially as their generation becomes ascendant in society) and are successful, either financially or personally or socially or whatever, others who used to be in power over them (parents, or "good" siblings, etc.) cannot adapt to the new dynamic gracefully and try to hold onto whatever moral high ground they can find, even if it is not legitimate.

 

Thank you. This is really helpful.