Here's a vote for folks...

[creekland]

Ok... new one for me.  My dad called and is making me the executor of his will since his brother can no longer take that position.  He told me all he has and told me he's leaving me pretty much everything.  He doesn't want my sister or her son to inherit a thing.  I'm allowed to give some to a couple of his favorite charities if I care to, or I can use it myself, or I can use it to help pay off my boys' student loans.  

 

BUT... my dad has mental issues - serious named ones.  I opted to leave the area and only deal with him long distance (phone) and a few times per year.  That has obviously helped our relationship.  My sister stayed in the area for a while (has since left) and tried to help dad out far more than I did.  Up until the last year or two she saw him far more than I do even after she left the area.  She still talks with him via phone more than I do.  He's upset that she's left him to be honest - that she's no longer there to do the things she used to do.

 

Would you follow his request or not?

 

I'm mainly hoping he doesn't die for quite some time... 

 

I could decline the position, but he has no one else TBH.

[nd293]

In this case doing what's right seems the right thing to do, if you know what I mean.

[Guest]

Whatever redistributions you can manage after his death would seem fine to me. As you said, he has disordered thinking. Once he is gone, it makes no difference and I would find a way to help your sister.

[Night Elf]

Do you have a relationship with your sister and her son? If you agree to the terms of his will, she'll likely be furious. I don't know how the law works, but would she fight you for it?

[marbel]

Your lawyer is going to tell you to follow the terms of the will.  But once it is settled you can do as you like with your inheritance.  It won't matter to him at that point. 

 

I would try to convince him to update his will to include your sister, if possible.  That could help divert any feelings of resentment and/or being a "charity case" on your sister's part (if she would be inclined to have those feelings). What is your relationship with her like?   Would she be likely to contest the will or sue you for part of the inheritance?

 

I had the opposite problem when my mother died.  Her will divided everything equally, but she gave me some instructions about her house that benefited my sister over our brother and me.  I understood the reasons for it but it made things more complicated for me as executor. 

 

[Innisfree]

I was the sibling-on-the-spot who dealt with my parents' (different) issues as they aged and died. It's a hard job, and in the case of your father sounds harder than usual.

 

I was very grateful when my brother stepped up and took on the duties of executor. As he pointed out, I'd done other things he couldn't.

 

Even though your sister has stepped back for now, if she's geographically closer she may have to do more later. I'd take the executor role, help make your father comfortable now knowing that is dealt with, and do the right thing for all the siblings later. Think of it as giving your father a chance to be his best self posthumously.

[ashfern]

I would think of it as a gift. The giver can't dictate what you do with the gift once it's yours. Once the estate is settled you can give your sister whatever you feel is fair. It's not like your father will know, right?

[eternalsummer]

I would just be quite honest with him about it - you're willing to be the executor of the will but you are likely to give some of the money to your sister (or half, or whatever) because you think  that is what is fair given the circumstances.  Then he can decide how to proceed with all the information.

[QueenCat]

Legally, you have to settle the estate per the terms of the will. Once it is settled and the property/money is yours, you can then give what you want to your sister, her son or anyone else.

[creekland]

Do you have a relationship with your sister and her son? If you agree to the terms of his will, she'll likely be furious. I don't know how the law works, but would she fight you for it?

 

I do have a decent relationship with my sister and yes, she will be furious.  I haven't told her a thing about it and don't plan to as she and dad could get fighting about it.  That's never good.

 

Dad is not on his deathbed - at least - I don't think so.  He thinks he could be and is prepaying his funeral + gave me complete instructions on that too, but he's been dying for years now IYCWIM.

 

That said, he is older and has health issues, so who knows?  Thus... wanting to understand more of my options when I'm not happy with the status quo.

 

Your lawyer is going to tell you to follow the terms of the will.  But once it is settled you can do as you like with your inheritance.  It won't matter to him at that point. 

 

I would try to convince him to update his will to include your sister, if possible.  That could help divert any feelings of resentment and/or being a "charity case" on your sister's part (if she would be inclined to have those feelings). What is your relationship with her like?   Would she be likely to contest the will or sue you for part of the inheritance? 

 

There's no way one can convince dad of doing anything - esp changing his will.  He's fully convinced she's evil right now.  In the past he's felt the same way about me.  I didn't mind not being in his will though.  I still don't really care if I inherit anything from him.  I try to hold onto good memories (ditching the bad) and consider that enough.

 

In time he might change his mind just as he did about me, but there's no guarantee that will happen or the time frame.  It's why I'm hoping he doesn't die soon though.

 

He just changed his will yesterday and is probably considered of sound mind enough that contesting it could be difficult, but I wouldn't be opposed to it at all, so would that make it easier?

 

I don't know if contesting it would be less costly than inheriting everything and then distributing it myself tax-wise?

 

My relationship with my sister is good and she understands dad's issues. (I think - we don't talk about it that often.)  I think she'd understand either way, but yes, him cutting her out will likely sting if she knew.

 

I'd take the executor role, help make your father comfortable now knowing that is dealt with, and do the right thing for all the siblings later. Think of it as giving your father a chance to be his best self posthumously.

 

I love the way you phrased this.  It is what I want to do.  I'm just unsure how to do it that would work out for the best (cost-wise) and I was wondering how others felt about going against someone's definitely expressed wishes - both verbally and in his will.

 

What he wants just isn't right, but by being executor, how bound to it (legally) am I?  Mentally I can convince myself to go against his desires by knowing his brain isn't functioning normally, but even then, the voting on here helps me feel more "right" about that.

 

I would just be quite honest with him about it - you're willing to be the executor of the will but you are likely to give some of the money to your sister (or half, or whatever) because you think  that is what is fair given the circumstances.  Then he can decide how to proceed with all the information.

 

I thought about this.  It's likely to make him mad at both of us and just opt to write us both out and leave it all to charity.  I'm not positive charities would want it considering his house could be featured on Hoarders, so a bit will need to be done, but I think that's the alternative.  It was dad's spoken alternative if I didn't want to be executor.

 

I'm ok getting nothing and not having to deal with it at all.  My sister deserves something IMO.  If I have to be the one dealing with his house, etc, getting something beyond that would also be somewhat mentally rewarding, but getting it all seems downright wrong.

[PrincessMommy]

Agreeing that once the will has been executed what you do with the inheritance is your business. 

[brehon]

I'd agree to being the executor and follow the terms of the will as I would be legally bound to do so. Then, after the estate was completely settled and all taxes paid, I'd give my sister her portion.

[creekland]

Legally, you have to settle the estate per the terms of the will. Once it is settled and the property/money is yours, you can then give what you want to your sister, her son or anyone else.

 

Would taxes, etc, work out in our benefit if we contested his will rather than my giving gifts later?  We're talking about an estate that's worth at most $200,000. (I think - unless he also has life insurance he didn't tell me about.)  But I can only give something like 14K per year tax free.

[marbel]

Would taxes, etc, work out in our benefit if we contested his will rather than my giving gifts later?  We're talking about an estate that's worth at most $200,000. (I think - unless he also has life insurance he didn't tell me about.)  But I can only give something like 14K per year tax free.

 

This is really something for a lawyer to answer.  In general, the less lawyer involvement the better, so my gut tells me that contesting the will would likely cost more than closing the estate according to the will's terms, and then you doing as you wish with whatever you inherit after expenses, taxes, etc.  But it can be complicated.  And I am not a lawyer!  Do you currently have an estate attorney?  Might want to start looking around for recommendations if not.

 

Just some unsolicited advice, from a btdt perspective: once you have to start settling the estate, keep everything very open with your sister.  I hope this doesn't sound condescending, or as if you would try to be sneaky - it's obvious you would not.  But keep meticulous records of every expense so that when you are able to give your sister her portion, there is no question as to fairness.   It should really be treated as her fair inheritance, not as a gift from you. 

 

Wills and inheritances can bring out the worst in people.  It did in my family.  So maybe my advice is a little over-the-top for your situation. 

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: I should probably say, the lower the billable hours, the better - in general.  Don't mean to slam lawyers. :-)  A good one is worth spending some $$ on; good advice is worth a lot and could end up saving some $$. 

 

 

Edited March 24, 2016 by marbel

[Haiku]

Once you inherit the money, it's yours to use however you choose. If you choose to give your money to your excluded relatives, that's entirely your right.

[JFSinIL]

Whatever redistributions you can manage after his death would seem fine to me. As you said, he has disordered thinking. Once he is gone, it makes no difference and I would find a way to help your sister.

 

Yes. Because your relationship with your sister will suffer if you do not simply share 50/50 with her.  Or - you obey his wishes and take it all....then turn around and give half of what is then YOUR money to her.  That way you kinda follow his wishes yet do the right thing.  Let your sister know this is how you will handle it if she asks.

Edited March 24, 2016 by JFSinIL

[creekland]

Do you currently have an estate attorney?  Might want to start looking around for recommendations if not.

 

Just some unsolicited advice, from a btdt perspective: once you have to start settling the estate, keep everything very open with your sister.  I hope this doesn't sound condescending, or as if you would try to be sneaky - it's obvious you would not.  But keep meticulous records of every expense so that when you are able to give your sister her portion, there is no question as to fairness.   It should really be treated as her fair inheritance, not as a gift from you. 

 

Thanks!

 

And no.  I only found out about this Tuesday night and it's been on my mind ever since because it didn't sit right with me, but I couldn't really come up with an alternative I liked either.

 

Fortunately, Dad's not dead yet.  Hopefully he'll be through this phase before he dies and his will will get rewritten.

 

But if not...

 

I like what you said about keeping records and I definitely plan to keep my sister in the loop - even giving her reins to do some things if she wants.

 

I've got to get actually working now (I'm at school), but appreciate all who have given me thoughts during my prep period...  It helps my brain to go from stunned to a working plan IF I need it.

Edited March 24, 2016 by creekland

[Mama Geek]

If you sister is reasonable maybe gift her a certain amount each year.  I don't know, but would suggest a tax lawyer to help figure it.

[Valley Girl]

I agree with those who said you have to uphold the terms of the will upon his death, however unfair they may seem. If you can't reason with him and change his mind, you just can't. That said, there's nothing stopping you from sharing the inheritance once it's yours. Your father's wishes, while they need to be followed legally, shouldn't be allowed to create tension in your relationship with your sibling. In this situation, I'd plan on having the tax hit come out of the inheritance. You're a loving daughter/sibling to want to help your father and be fair to your sister at the same time.

 

It's tough when this kind of thing happens. I had an elderly relative to whom I was close give me a treasured piece of jewelry. She was starting to decline and was holding grudges and imagining slights, etc. Problem was that particular piece had been long promised (repeatedly) to someone else. There was no changing her mind. I accepted the jewelry, thanked her profusely, and quietly made sure it went to the original person. While I would have treasured the item, it was not worth the hard feelings and potential damage to my relationship with my extended family.

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with the others, your best bet at this point is to take on Executor duties, let whatever happens, happen, then after the estate is settled share what you get with your sister.  Since your dad does not appear to be on death's door, he could change his mind later or he might end up having to burn through all his assets because of medical bills or a nursing home or whatever.  Not a whole lot you can do at this time to change things apparently and who knows what the future holds?  You might want to consult an estate attorney at some point, though, as others have mentioned.  They might be willing to do just a really preliminary consultation that hopefully wouldn't cost much but would give you a better idea of what you may end up dealing with.

 

I also agree, though, that you need to keep your sister in the loop from the start when your dad passes on.  Document every.single.penny.  Have her directly involved if you think it will help and you both are still getting along.  She will be hurt but if you are transparent with everything maybe that will take some of the sting out of it and hopefully it will keep your relationship from being ruined.

 

On a side note, does he have a Power of Attorney in place if he became incapacitated?  Medical Power of Attorney in case he needs someone to make decisions for him medically while he is unable to do so?  If not, that is another issue.  If he becomes incapacitated, who would be able to take care of things legally?

[wintermom]

Firstly, I'd make sure that the will was legal. You can't always "cut out" a spouse, for example.You can write it down in a document, but it doesn't make it legal. You'd need to check with a lawyer in that State. 

 

Aside from that, I'd probably not follow someone's wishes if they were nasty and hurtful. It's certainly not going to help your relationship with the remaining members of your family. Sounds like there has been enough hurt happening than nothing in the will is going to heal all wounds.

Edited March 24, 2016 by wintermom

[MysteryJen]

Execute the will and distribute your inheritance as you see fit. Probably, I would have a heart to heart with your sister and let her know what will happen.

 

I am sorry, your dad has put you in a very difficult position.

[zoobie]

Legally, you have to settle the estate per the terms of the will. Once it is settled and the property/money is yours, you can then give what you want to your sister, her son or anyone else.

 

Yes, though then you will have to worry about the tax consequences with gifting outside of an estate. If you think his last will modification was made while he's mentally incompetent, there can be ways to challenge it. Your siblings can challenge it and eat up the estate with the litigation. Or, it can be on you as executor if you're not allowed to use the estate proceeds to defend it. Before you agree to execute it, consult an estate attorney to lay out the pitfalls and get advice on how to redistribute if that's what you want to do. 

[creekland]

On a side note, does he have a Power of Attorney in place if he became incapacitated?  Medical Power of Attorney in case he needs someone to make decisions for him medically while he is unable to do so?  If not, that is another issue.  If he becomes incapacitated, who would be able to take care of things legally?

 

Right now this is still his brother, but his brother has had massive health issues since Christmas, so dad talked with me about potentially changing that in the near future too.

 

Firstly, I'd make sure that the will was legal. You can't always "cut out" a spouse, for example.You can write it down in a document, but it doesn't make it legal. You'd need to check with a lawyer in that State. 

 

Aside from that, I'd probably not follow someone's wishes if they were nasty and hurtful. It's certainly not going to help your relationship with the remaining members of your family. Sounds like there has been enough hurt happening than nothing in the will is going to heal all wounds.

 

He's rewriting the will with his lawyer, so I assume all is legal.  This is why contesting it might be difficult.

 

I am sorry, your dad has put you in a very difficult position.

 

I hate it.  I just don't see a better alternative than accepting it (and hoping he doesn't die until he changes his mind).

 

I honestly don't plan to let my sister know unless my dad does (he might).  Then I'll tell her my plans.  However, if the two start fighting and she tells dad what my plans are, dad is vindictive enough to cut us both out and leave it all to charity.  That would net her nothing.  She deserves something.  I'm ok with nothing as long as I don't have to take care of his estate.

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, because of a complicated estate and some personality issues, I ended up with half of a property that should rightfully have belonged entirely to my brother.  As soon as possible, I signed over my half to my bro.  It took all of 5 minutes to place the phone call to an estate attorney and another 5 minutes to sign the documents once they were drawn up.  I think it cost me something like $35 to take care of it.  

Edited March 24, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[QueenCat]

Would taxes, etc, work out in our benefit if we contested his will rather than my giving gifts later?  We're talking about an estate that's worth at most $200,000. (I think - unless he also has life insurance he didn't tell me about.)  But I can only give something like 14K per year tax free.

 

Pretty sure life insurance goes directly to beneficiaries listed on policy, not as part of will execution. Not sure about the rest but if it's cheaper, you could explain to her that you will give her $14k a year until she has her "share".

[marbel]

<snip>

 

 

There's no way one can convince dad of doing anything - esp changing his will.  He's fully convinced she's evil right now.  In the past he's felt the same way about me.  I didn't mind not being in his will though.  I still don't really care if I inherit anything from him.  I try to hold onto good memories (ditching the bad) and consider that enough.

 

In time he might change his mind just as he did about me, but there's no guarantee that will happen or the time frame.  It's why I'm hoping he doesn't die soon though.

 

<snip>

 

I hear ya on this, and am not going to try to talk you out of it.  But this thread is reminding me of something.

 

My brother was always changing his will, depending on which of his two kids was in and out of favor.  Finally he told me he was going to leave everything to me, and I was to distribute to his kids as I saw fit, or just keep it. He trusted me to do what was best. Boy howdy was that a bad idea!  I told him that his plan would make my life a living hell when he died, and that I'd refuse to do it, which would mean that the state would take control of his estate and most of it would get eaten up in various fees. (I've no idea if that was true, but it sounded good, and he believed me.)  He ended up changing it, and now has dementia, so I guess it's settled for good. 

 

So maybe there will be a time when you are talking with your Dad, and you can let him know that he'd be making your life more difficult if he cut your sister out of the will, and not doing you any favors.  Maybe that will help him see sense.   Or maybe not.  You know your dad much better than I do.  :-)

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Pretty sure life insurance goes directly to beneficiaries listed on policy, not as part of will execution. Not sure about the rest but if it's cheaper, you could explain to her that you will give her $14k a year until she has her "share".

Yes, life insurance passes to the beneficiaries listed.  It does not pass through the will in most cases, AFAIK.  Also, if a bank account has someone else listed not just as signatory but as receiving survivor benefits they will get what is in that account.

 

As for distribution, if your sister were wanting/needing her half right away, and you were both willing to take the tax hit, you could just distribute evenly once you receive the funds and hold enough back to pay the taxes out of that money.

[SKL]

I would accept the position of executrix for the sake of your dad's comfort.  I would give my siblings what I felt fair after the property was mine to dispose of as I chose.

 

If this is a lot of money, estate tax might be a factor.  If so, look into whether you can legally pass on inheriting some of the property (after the death).

 

I don't consider this dishonoring your dad.  He probably wouldn't be making these choices if he were in his normal healthy mind.

Edited March 24, 2016 by SKL

[Pippen]

My dad had issues as well and I'd recommend just sitting on the distribution aspect at this point. I would ask for copies of all legal paperwork, lists of accounts, and life insurance policy info. You also need to know where to look for a safety deposit box key and passwords to any online accounts. Ask him about preferences/directions for burial, funeral, etc. 

 

My dad wrote and rewrote his will numerous times while married to wives #3-5. There were many variations, which included either my brother or I as executor, then leaving the estate split 50/50 between us, 100/0, 0/100, and split six ways between the grandchildren. He'd write me out when he wasn't pleased with me. He wrote my brother out when they were estranged. At one point when he wasn't pleased with either of us he wrote us all out and left it all to some charitable causes.

 

Writing us in and out was a way for my dad to express displeasure, but it was also a control thing. My brother and I just rolled with it. It helped that we were in agreement that no matter what, we might need to help out ex-wife #4 if his retirement package didn't swing her way. We also agreed together that no matter how the will was written at the time of his death, we'd just divvy it up equally between the grandchildren. That way there was no possibility that my dad's inequitable distribution could harm our relationship. My dad left a wake of destruction trailing behind his relationships, and we weren't going to let his final act come between us in any way. In the end we discovered he'd spent a great deal of energies on a very small estate--about $20,000 is all that remained when all was said and done. 

 

In the final weeks of his life we had his will reviewed by an attorney, in part because we were meeting wife #5 for the first time in hospice. She turned out to be great, but I think it's a good idea anyway.

 

If I had a sibling that might slip up and let alternative plans be known, I'd keep quiet. I probably also wouldn't make a firm plan if there was a chance that either of you were likely to be heavily involved in care taking, as that can be costly in terms of expense, travel, missed work, etc.

 

 

 

 

Edited March 24, 2016 by Pippen

[creekland]

FWIW, because of a complicated estate and some personality issues, I ended up with half of a property that should rightfully have belonged entirely to my brother.  As soon as possible, I signed over my half to my bro.  It took all of 5 minutes to place the phone call to an estate attorney and another 5 minutes to sign the documents once they were drawn up.  I think it cost me something like $35 to take care of it.  

 

This sounds promising. I wonder if I could sign her over the house.

 

Yes, life insurance passes to the beneficiaries listed.  It does not pass through the will in most cases, AFAIK.  Also, if a bank account has someone else listed not just as signatory but as receiving survivor benefits they will get what is in that account.

 

As for distribution, if your sister were wanting/needing her half right away, and you were both willing to take the tax hit, you could just distribute evenly once you receive the funds and hold enough back to pay the taxes out of that money.

 

My sister could use the money (assuming it's still there) quickly.  She spent years with dad and in our area.  In the meantime, she didn't step out and start much of a life for herself. She's doing that now - has a job, paying her own bills, etc - but she has no retirement at all saved up and is barely making ends meet.  Now she's getting her own health issues, but never signed up for health insurance and doesn't get it from her job.

 

I took off and made a life for myself starting with my college days.  (She's one year older.)

 

It made all the difference in our lives.  There were a few other significant glitches in her life, but any of us could have made those mistakes.  I think she's on the right path now, but it's decades later now.  I hope she doesn't go back to dad and have told her so.  That's what he wants her to do...

[creekland]

My dad had issues as well and I'd recommend just sitting on the distribution aspect at this point. I would ask for copies of all legal paperwork, lists of accounts, and life insurance policy info. You also need to know where to look for a safety deposit box key and passwords to any online accounts. Ask him about preferences/directions for burial, funeral, etc. 

 

My dad wrote and rewrote his will numerous times while married to wives #3-5. There were many variations, which included either my brother or I as executor, then leaving the estate split 50/50 between us, 100/0, 0/100, and split six ways between the grandchildren. He'd write me out when he wasn't pleased with me. He wrote my brother out when they were estranged. At one point when he wasn't pleased with either of us he wrote us all out and left it all to some charitable causes.

 

Writing us in and out was a way for my dad to express displeasure, but it was also a control thing. My brother and I just rolled with it. It helped that we were in agreement that no matter what, we might need to help out ex-wife #4 if his retirement package didn't swing her way. We also agreed together that no matter how the will was written at the time of his death, we'd just divvy it up equally between the grandchildren. That way there was no possibility that my dad's inequitable distribution could harm our relationship. My dad left a wake of destruction trailing behind his relationships, and we weren't going to let his final act come between us in any way. In the end we discovered he'd spent a great deal of energies on a very small estate--about $20,000 is all that remained when all was said and done. 

 

In the final weeks of his life we had his will reviewed by an attorney, in part because we were meeting wife #5 for the first time in hospice. She turned out to be great, but I think it's a good idea anyway.

 

If I had a sibling that might slip up and let alternative plans be known, I'd keep quiet. I probably also wouldn't make a firm plan if there was a chance that either of you were likely to be heavily involved in care taking, as that can be costly in terms of expense, travel, missed work, etc.

 

You have pegged this almost to a T.  Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sorry you had to go through it all, but I truly appreciate your sharing your BTDT wisdom.

[Reefgazer]

I voted other because once you inherit the money, it is yours, and you can do what you want with *your* mohey, including handing the entire wad of cash over to your sister, if you want to.

Edited March 24, 2016 by reefgazer

[chocolatechip]

I would look at it as once you have your part of the inheritance, it's yours and you can do what you like with it, including give some to your sister. 

[TechWife]

Legally, you have to settle the estate per the terms of the will. Once it is settled and the property/money is yours, you can then give what you want to your sister, her son or anyone else.

 

This.

[Scarlett]

I voted other. Distribute as he requested in his will and then give your sister her share out of yours. And I would not discuss it with him at all. It will then be your money.....you can do with it as you want.

 

This is one of those better to ask for forgiveness than permission. ;)

[creekland]

I'm sorry you're stuck in a situation like this. My grandmother was a schizophrenic millionaire. She changed her wills according to the seasons, which televangelist she listened to, or which child was in/out of favor. Her death destroyed the relationship between her daughters. A couple people swore the most recent will was deliberately destroyed. She left a majority of her estate to her farm foreman. My mom, bless her heart, solved her own dilemma by marrying the old fart. I still think it would make an excellent soap opera.

and when my brother died, one of the first things she did was to change her will to specify that his ex-wife and their children would receive zilch. This didn't bother me as much, tho, because my brother provided exceptionally well for his kids, who in reality are pretty much despicable.

 

Sorry to hear this has happened to others too, but it's definitely similar.  Right now I'm in favor (no clue why other than my sister dropped out and my uncle may not live long sadly. He's my favorite uncle - so different from my dad).

 

Next year I might be out of favor (and never know why since he uses the silent treatment to let folks know).

 

If I end up in charge, I might actually see to it that my sister gets more than I do.  She spent so many of her years with/near dad and helped him out far more than he realizes.

 

I can see using some to help my boys out with their student loans as well. Then they'd have something good to remember about their grandfather.

 

I know my dad in his right mind would want to help everyone.  That's one of his good points in general.  But his mind just can't see the same picture others can see now.  He'd still help anyone in need if he came across them, but...

[Miss Mousie]

I have no idea whether this is possible, but - thinking about potential tax issues - it may be that you can put the entire estate into some kind of trust and then the trustee can distribute as directed.  You'd most certainly have to consult a lawyer and banker, though.

 

[Nan in Mass]

Creekland, no matter what you do, I would be honest right now with your sister. Doing anything else sounds like it could lead to more trouble than it is worth. In the end, neither of you may inherit any money. You know what your father would have wished when he was his best self. I would make a pact with my sister to just go with whatever Dad said at the moment and then after everything was settled, pay her what is owed her for his care and then split what is left equally. If you can get her to agree to this now and agree to keep your agreement secret, some of the stress might go out of the situation.

 

Good luck!

Nan

[Seasider]

I voted "other" because I couldn't vote for both.

 

Follow what the person intended....until the assets are your own holdings.

 

Once they are yours, you are no longer beholden to what he wanted done with his. That's the time to be generous and make things right.

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 28, 2016 by _kathy_

[Ms Brooks]

Once your Dad passes you are still going to have a relationship with you siblings. Maybe Dad can skip probate and put things into your name now, stocks and retirement funds go directly to you upon his death. Once all things are paid for and settled, to share equally among siblings seems the right thing to do. Grandchildren maybe not. Neither of my parents included grandchildren in their will. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I would do "other".  I would first follow the terms of the will.  It's his decision to do what he wants with the $$.  Once it's your $$ you can do what you want with it, including give it to your sister.  If this causes issues with high taxes then I'd probably find the best way around it including going against his specific wishes and redistributing it more evenly.  I think people should lose their right and ability to punish others after they die.  

[Seasider]

I think people should lose their ... ability to punish others after they die.

Yes

[HS Mom in NC]

I see two different ways to deal with this:

1. If you inherit everything his wishes are fulfilled. You can then do with it what you like, including dividing it evenly between the 3 of you. 

2. Anyone who can't abide by the will shouldn't be the executor of the will.  When someone asks a person to be the executor of a will that isn't reasonable and fair the answer should go something like this, "No.  I'm sorry.  The way this will is spelled out isn't fair or reasonable to (insert names of person/people treated unfairly here) so I can't in good conscience be the executor. If you change it to being fair and reasonable I'll be the executor."  Jerks usually need direct feedback.

[bolt.]

Inherit the money. Then it's yours, and you need no-one's permission (dead or alive) to do anything you like with your own money.

 

People who try to reach beyond the grave for the sake of money management are doomed to fail. Their influence ends upon their demise.

[mamiof5]

I voted other, and after much thought was going to say I wouldn't agree to do it unless he was being fair and doing the right thing. I initially thought of being honest with your siblings and tell them now, and you could all decide what would be the best approach. But I didn't know how they would react and if just telling them would cause too much hurt (for them) and family drama. Then I read Pipen's post, and it can be done. Totally feel the way they handled it in their situation might be the most beneficial for you as well. Good luck!

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think you need to do what he asks.  I have some weird family situations.  DH and I are executors on 2 wills.  I was my dad's but he keeps changing it and I think it's my sister now.  She's not stable all the time, and honestly, his death will put her into a spiral.  She won't do what is asked...she has said she plans to keep the house even if he says to sell it.  I am going to depend on the lawyer to execute things properly.  Otherwise she would take it all for herself.  The ones we are executors on have their own drama.  People will be cut out in both and we have been told in advance.  I think just doing what he wants is best. If you decide to pass on money it's your choice.  But do the will, then decide about changes

 

[eternalsummer]

If he is not of sound mind that is one thing, like really not of sound mind.  If he is just making decisions or has a personality you disagree with or even think is odious, that is his own business.  For me, for a clear conscience, if the result of telling him the truth about my intentions with his money is that he disinherits everyone, that is fine - at that point I have told the truth and he is free to do what he wants with his money.  It sucks for you and it sucks for your sister, but it is still his money, no matter how terrible a person he is, and he deserves honesty with regards to whether you'll do what you say you'll do with regard to its distribution.

 

 

[Farrar]

Another vote to follow his wishes then distribute what will then be your money as you see fit, giving your sister a share. It seems pretty clear to me that's the right thing to do. I don't think I'd tell him explicitly that's your plan, though I wouldn't hide it.