Should I tell my daughters? - Update Post #79

[Scarlett]

As a kid of divorce, being honest with adult daughters is not the same thing as badmouthing him.

 

You say, "It turns out your dad has a girlfriend. I now think that's why he wanted a divorce. It's no longer amicable. If you have questions, I'm sorry, you'll have to ask him."

 

 

Why do I say you should be the one to tell? Because adulterers twist the facts in their own minds to make adultery justified and no matter what, if he is honest about cheating, he will find a way to badmouth you. Also, as a mom you will find a good way and time to tell them, when they are calm and have time to think about it. If/when he tells them it will all spew out in a pile of horribleness that might trigger self-destructive behavior on their parts. They will deal better if it comes from you. Finally, they will be hurt that you didn't tell them if you don't. The last thing you want to do right now is alienate them.

This.

 

I suspected he had a girlfriend when you first mentioned this amicable divorce.

 

And I would be furious if I was kept in the dark about the real reason my parents were divorcing. Especially if it progressed to the point that the girlfriend was introduced to me as an after divorce relationship when she was actually part of the reason for the divorce.

[gaillardia]

:grouphug: I'm very sorry for this and all I can think of to say is not appropriate for the forum. As far as your daughters are concerned, I think I would have to wait a little while but that crap of skyping and going to see them at college with the so-called husband, huh uh. No way. I don't think you would feel it was right to go and not say anything about it. It would eat me alive if he was with me.

I'd kick him out of the house and get a lawyer.

This really does change everything.

I better not say more, it's not polite.

 

 

[Ellie]

I wouldn't tell them. I don't see why they need to know. She doesn't sound like a real "girlfriend", she sounds like a transition woman that he is using to meet his needs. He has sounded like a very "needy" guy in the past, always wanting more, wanting things to be perfect, he probably does intend to move this woman in when OP moves out, to clean the house, cook him food, keep him company, provide Tea. If he moves her into the house officially he will need to tell the girls, but that sort of sordid thing doesn't sound like something they need to know. I wouldn't want to know anyway.

 

Of course they need to know. He has broken up his family because of the girlfriend. It isn't that the OP and he are, you know, just sort of incompatible; it is that he has been adulterous, and he wants the girlfriend and not his wife and children. The OP doesn't have to be nasty or anything, but his children don't need to be taken in by his innocence, and be introduced to the woman who helped break up their parents' marriage without knowing that's what happened.

[maize]

If I were a daughter in this situation I would want to know the truth.

[Seasider]

:iagree:

 

Sadly, I have many friends who trusted their dhs to take care of them in the divorce, who lost everything. I can't think of any whose dhs turned out to be honorable and trustworthy. Not one.

 

 

Even if you believe he will attempt to uphold his agreements to date, you know nothing about this new woman. She is a wild variable. If he is having sex with her, she wields some degree of influence. She might mean trouble if you aren't careful about all your legal matters..

[Arcadia]

You say, "It turns out your dad has a girlfriend. I now think that's why he wanted a divorce. It's no longer amicable. If you have questions, I'm sorry, you'll have to ask him."

I agree as OP's kids are already adults.

 

If divorce intentions have already been announced to them, then the kids could give up any hope they might have.

 

If divorce intentions have not been announced to them, then they might appreciate a heads up even more.

[HS Mom in NC]

Child of divorce.  Daughter of a serial adulterer. My parents separated when I was 7 days old and divorced when I was 1. My suspicions (since I was about 12) about his adultery were confirmed when I asked as an adult.

Only tell them if they ask you point blank. Don't drop hints.  Don't steer conversation in that direction.  I assume your children aren't stupid; they'll figure it out.  They may not be emotionally ready to know right now, so I'm going to be very blunt with you-they may resent you telling them if they aren't ready to hear it yet. They're probably going through a lot right now with just the divorce part.  Add to that the adultery part and it may be too much at this time. I know you're furious and have every right to be, but that's not a legitimate reason to dump it on them if they don't want to know. You can't untell them and you don't get to decide how they feel about you telling them; you have to live with their reaction even if it's a reaction different than you expect.  Telling them is a gamble.  Don't gamble with your children's feelings on such a raw topic.

[Mrs. Tharp]

I'm with Katy and Ellie here. I would tell them. 

[maize]

Child of divorce. Daughter of a serial adulterer. My parents separated when I was 7 days old and divorced when I was 1. My suspicions (since I was about 12) about his adultery were confirmed when I asked as an adult.

 

Only tell them if they ask you point blank. Don't drop hints. Don't steer conversation in that direction. I assume your children aren't stupid; they'll figure it out. They may not be emotionally ready to know right now, so I'm going to be very blunt with you-they may resent you telling them if they aren't ready to hear it yet. They're probably going through a lot right now with just the divorce part. Add to that the adultery part and it may be too much at this time. I know you're furious and have every right to be, but that's not a legitimate reason to dump it on them if they don't want to know. You can't untell them and you don't get to decide how they feel about you telling them; you have to live with their reaction even if it's a reaction different than you expect. Telling them is a gamble. Don't gamble with your children's feelings on such a raw topic.

Isn't not telling them just as much of a gamble?

 

If this were my parents I think I would process the divorce differently knowing that adultery was involved. And I think I would be very upset if I were not informed of that factor but found out later because I would feel lied to and I'd have to start right back at the beginning processing everything.

 

This affair is going to have a huge effect on how things play out and I just don't see how keeping it a secret will benefit anyone.

[HS Mom in NC]

Isn't not telling them just as much of a gamble?

 

What exactly do you think they have to lose if they don't know that dad is having an affair?

 

 

If this were my parents I think I would process the divorce differently knowing that adultery was involved. And I think I would be very upset if I were not informed of that factor but found out later because I would feel lied to and I'd have to start right back at the beginning processing everything.

 

But my point was that different people will react differently.  So just because one person would have a burning desire to know doesn't at all mean that another person would want to know.  We can't go around making decisions for others based on ourselves.  My brother doesn't want to know.  He once asked me humorously if I thought dad might have cheated.  I told him, "I asked mom that question and she answered me.  Do you want me to tell you her answer?" Then he paused a long time and said, "No, I don't think I do but if I change my mind I'll ask."  I would be a complete jerk to tell him if he didn't specifically want to know.  It's not my place to decide what he needs to know and when and why. 

 

This affair is going to have a huge effect on how things play out and I just don't see how keeping it a secret will benefit anyone.

 

Then you didn't read my previous post carefully.  I said tell them only if they ask.  If they ask, it's not keeping a secret.  Blurting out information that may be difficult for people to process on an issue with a lot of complicated emotions when no one asked is very bad form and incredibly thoughtless.  Don't. do. it. If they want to know, they'll ask.  They're adults. They're aware that marriages often end because of adultery.  They've probably already wondered about it.  If they want to actually know and deal with all the fall out of knowing, they'll say so.  Some people work through things all at once, others one step at a time.  No one gets to decide for them which way they should go.  They decide for themselves.

 

There are adult children who will perceive it as mom trying to get the kids to take sides.  Some kids have no interest in taking sides at all.  If you go dumping on the information they don't want, you lose.  It will make you a lesser person in their eyes.  I know adult children of divorce who got that kind of information when they didn't want it or weren't ready for it and they resent the parent who told them in different ways than they resent the parent who cheated.  Don't make the challenges of divorce harder by adding that in when it isn't necessary.  An adult child who wants to know will ask and there's no reason for the parent not to answer.

 

This is like being an adoptive parent who knows something about the birth parents.  The complex set of emotions related to difficult birthparent situations can be a very big deal to adopted adults.  You don't go around blabbing about potentially difficult to process information just because you know it. It's incredibly naive and arrogant to assume a child who hasn't asked about details is ready to hear them.  Add in the sexual element (Was a product of an affair?  Rape?) and it's even more complex.   You don't go there with someone who hasn't decided they want to go there.

 

[Tsuga]

If they were under 18, no. You should pay for a counselor, make them go if possible or bribe them if they are older teens, and just let them deal with it.

 

As adults, inform them if they ask, but otherwise, "Girls, things with your dad are not going as I'd hoped and I am not ready to talk about it."

 

To be honest, and some have said this is not a good thing to say, but I say it--"I knew he'd be a great dad and I still believe that." Well, my ex-h is a better dad than a fat lot of dads in spite of everything.

 

 

 

If this were my parents I think I would process the divorce differently knowing that adultery was involved.

 

Yes, but finding out from the victim is a whole other ballgame.

 

Adultery was a serious issue in my relationship with my ex. The girls will have to ask me point-blank and they will need to be adults. I am willing to tell them what they NEED to know for their own mental health. They will not be in a position to suffer from his adulterous tendencies so that is not the issue. Overall trustworthiness is, but not his sexual life, which they have not and never will be involved in, KWIM?

 

I would be very clear about the fact that we were separating (AND YES GET A LAWYER NOW!!! (!!!!(!!!!SERIOUSLY!!!! IT IS WORTH IT!!!))) and that there were a lot more issues than I had previously thought, and I'd be happy to discuss it in family counseling, which I'd pay for, but I didn't want to play blame games.

 

I know they're grown up to some extent but I still think the bigger person will, if there is not an immediate and present threat to safety, offer to discuss it with a third party. They will appreciate it.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Tsuga

[ErinE]

My parents divorced when I was an adult. One parent remarried two months after the divorce was final. The other parent was forced into temporary financial hardship because the settlement wasn't reasonable. I understood the reasons for the divorce, but I was upset at the quick remarriage and unjust financial burden. So my views are colored by this experience.

 

Forget amicable. Do not sign anything until you have seen a lawyer. You need access to his financial records. He's hidden an intimate relationship from you. It wouldn't surprise me he's hiding assets as well.

 

If he stays in the house, take other assets in lieu of waiting for it to sell. If he wants to split the proceeds, put the house up for sale now. You have less leverage once the divorce decree is signed. He could sit in the home for years while you wait for your money.

 

Your children are adults. Stop skypeing together. Stop visiting them together. You are separated and divorcing. You should make that clear in your behavior. Once they announced the separation, I didn't see my parents in the same room until a sibling's wedding.

 

As far as telling your children, I don't know how much you've shared thus far. Neither parent was allowed to gripe to me, but I didn't ask to review the final settlement even though i was worried about the terms, something I regret.

 

If you decide to change your stance, I would talk with your children. "I found out your father hid a relationship from me and I worry there's more he's hidden." Nothing else. No venting. No anger expressed to them.

 

Can I recommend counseling? If I were you, I would be so angry right now. I would need an emotional outlet and a good therapist can help. :grouphug:

Edited March 2, 2016 by ErinE

[Rosie_0801]

Work very hard at not caring.  :grouphug:  It hurts, but you are not entitled to information about his current love life, because you are no longer a couple.

 

Document it all for use in court though. :boxing_smiley:  (Be the fella on the right.)

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Edited because I can't tell left from right!)

Edited March 2, 2016 by Rosie_0801

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[Tammyla]

Attorney, you need one if you don't have one...even if the divorce is mutual and something you want done as peacefully as possible.   :grouphug: You can still be parents to your girls together.

[Haiku]

I'm very surprised to see so many people advocating involving the children in their parents' personal marital issues. Especially as they are adults no longer living at home (but even if they were kids living at home), I don't see any benefit to Mom running off and basically tattling on Dad. I would NOT have wanted to know this information about my parents' marriage when I was a college student. I had enough to deal with without carrying the burden of my parents' personal emotional struggles.

 

Are people certain he was cheating, or is that an assumption? What if Mom tells the daughters that Dad was cheating, and then it turns out he wasn't? Now Mom has damaged trust with her daughters. Mom does NOT want to do that.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: I'm very sorry for this and all I can think of to say is not appropriate for the forum. As far as your daughters are concerned, I think I would have to wait a little while but that crap of skyping and going to see them at college with the so-called husband, huh uh. No way. I don't think you would feel it was right to go and not say anything about it. It would eat me alive if he was with me.

I'd kick him out of the house and get a lawyer.

This really does change everything.

I better not say more, it's not polite.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

[kewb]

Hire an attorney immediately. You need someone looking out for your best interests.  Your dh is a liar and has probably been hiding assets for months if not longer.  Your amicable divorce is a sham and he has been playing you.

 

As for your daughters, all they need to know is that your divorce proceedings have hit a rough patch.  If they press you for details you can kindly tell them that it is between their father and you.  They will figure out on their own what kind of man their father is.  Anything you say will only damage your relationship with your daughters or their relationship with their father.

[BigMamaBird]

I think your girls deserve to know the reason their parents are divorcing, but it is your husbands duty to tell them.  I am a firm believer that when you cheat, you don't just cheat on your spouse, you also cheat on your children.  He hasn't just violated your relationship, he's also violated theirs.  He's going to have to deal with the repercussions of that if he ever hopes to have any sort of healthy relationship with them in the future.  The longer he lies to them, the harder it will be to reestablish trust.

 

[KungFuPanda]

Do you trust him to sell the house once you move out? Maybe HE should move.

[AnnE-girl]

I'm not sure about telling your daughters unless they specifically ask, but I'm joining the chorus of time to get your own attorney and don't move out yet.

[justasque]

...

 

Are people certain he was cheating, or is that an assumption? ...

 

He has broken his marriage vows by being with someone else while still married to the OP.  

He has been deceitful to the OP by not being honest about their (his and the OP's) relationship.  He, while living under the same roof as the OP, has allowed her to believe that he was/is not in another relationship, when in fact he was/is.

 

One can quibble over whether he has been "cheating" or not (as we don't know when his extra-marital relationship started), but it is clear that he is in an extra-marital relationship about which he was not honest with the OP.

 

[TCB]

Another vote here for not telling them yourself. He needs to be the one to tell them. If they notice a change in your relationship with him then tell them to ask him about it. You do not want to be the one who tells them something like this about their dad. I'm sure they will figure it out very quickly themselves, even if he doesn't tell them. I'm very sorry that this has happened, I'm sure it is very difficult for you  :grouphug:

[Haiku]

He has broken his marriage vows by being with someone else while still married to the OP.  

He has been deceitful to the OP by not being honest about their (his and the OP's) relationship.  He, while living under the same roof as the OP, has allowed her to believe that he was/is not in another relationship, when in fact he was/is.

 

I feel that once two people declare their relationship over, it's over.

 

And, personally, if they are divorcing, his relationship status with other people isn't any of her business.

 

Divorce is expensive and takes a long time. I don't think that divorcing people should have to behave like married people while they are divorcing.

[Haiku]

nm

Edited March 2, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator

[Home'scool]

Wow a lot of information to process! Thank you everyone who took time to respond to help me with this - I truly appreciate it.

 

I have had some time to think about this all. I think I will have my husband tell our daughters once we both are settled. I feel like they are already dealing with too much uncertainty. I would like them to see what the divorce can look like on the other side.

 

I understand all the concerns for protecting myself. Believe me, I am. I have been through all our financials - I know what we have and what we don't. I am moving out because I am moving into my sister's in-law addition rent free. Otherwise I would not be able to move - we need to sell the house before we can support other living situations. So him moving out now is not really an option.

 

We have been in "divorce mode" since the end of the summer. We haven't moved forward with anything because we wanted the girls to have one last holiday season in the house. This was something we discussed as a family and decided on. The girls know that we are definitely getting divorced though and that there will be no reconciliation.

[Seasider]

Wow a lot of information to process! Thank you everyone who took time to respond to help me with this - I truly appreciate it.

 

I have had some time to think about this all. I think I will have my husband tell our daughters once we both are settled. I feel like they are already dealing with too much uncertainty. I would like them to see what the divorce can look like on the other side.

 

I understand all the concerns for protecting myself. Believe me, I am. I have been through all our financials - I know what we have and what we don't. I am moving out because I am moving into my sister's in-law addition rent free. Otherwise I would not be able to move - we need to sell the house before we can support other living situations. So him moving out now is not really an option.

 

We have been in "divorce mode" since the end of the summer. We haven't moved forward with anything because we wanted the girls to have one last holiday season in the house. This was something we discussed as a family and decided on. The girls know that we are definitely getting divorced though and that there will be no reconciliation.

Are you confident that he will actually make every effort to sell the house quickly, so that you will receive the proceeds from the sale ASAP? Do your written settlement agreements require him to sell or buy out your half within a certain time frame? For most people, a house is their single largest asset, that's quite an investment you'll be giving him. If he allows it to fall into disrepair, the value will decrease. Seriously, protect that investment. Also, you need to absolve yourself of any liability connected with the property if you aren't going to be living there.

 

Sounds like you are ready to move on. Just don't fail to be wise. You have pulled all the financial info that you know about. Are you satisfied there's nothing hidden?

[Arcadia]

:grouphug: financials is one thing, legalities are another

[Acadie]

It's really good to hear you know what's happening financially.

 

I'm still concerned that your moving out could be manipulated legally to deprive you of your fair share of that huge collective asset. For example, if the process becomes acrimonious at any point and he hires an aggressive lawyer, your not being in the house could really work against you in many states. Making it through the holidays (or over a year until next spring, to put the house on the market?) means that there's a long time for the dynamic between the two of you to change in unanticipated ways.

 

I'm hearing that you decided as a family to have one more holiday in the house together for the girls, there's no way he could meet expenses on a new place for himself, and he's in no hurry to move things along. But upthread you mentioned that you're ready to move on. Setting aside everyone else's interests, does that long delay work for you? What time frame feels healthy for you, both emotionally and financially? Clearly you've thought a lot about the process--I'm just wondering if the delay is about putting others' needs ahead of your own. 

 

Amy

 

 

Edited March 2, 2016 by Acadie

[Home'scool]

The "staying in the house for one more holiday period" was for the 2015 season. We are now done with that and are putting the house in the market in about 2 weeks.

[Carol in Cal.]

 

 

I understand all the concerns for protecting myself. Believe me, I am. I have been through all our financials - I know what we have and what we don't. I am moving out because I am moving into my sister's in-law addition rent free. Otherwise I would not be able to move - we need to sell the house before we can support other living situations. So him moving out now is not really an option.

 

No, it honestly doesn't sound like you are protecting yourself.

Because it sounds like you don't have a lawyer and you don't have a written agreement for temporary support and you don't have a written agreement for how and when the sale of the house will occur and how the proceeds will be divided.  And now you are moving into a temporary rent free space, leaving behind one of your major assets in the hands and occupied solely by someone who has manipulated and lied to you.  Maybe this read of the situation is wrong--I hope so!  But if even part of it is right, then moving out is a very big mistake.  Please don't do that until you talk to a lawyer or two.  Your husband sounds like he has been planning this for a long time, and he is clearly lying to you for his own advantage in the matter of the girlfriend, and likely in the matter of the property settlement as well.

 

ETA:  and who is this sister in law?  A relative of yours or your DH's?  Either way, the situation is not going to last very long rent free, but if she is a relative of your DH's, I would be even more cautious.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Joanne]

Wow a lot of information to process! Thank you everyone who took time to respond to help me with this - I truly appreciate it.

 

I have had some time to think about this all. I think I will have my husband tell our daughters once we both are settled. I feel like they are already dealing with too much uncertainty. I would like them to see what the divorce can look like on the other side.

 

I understand all the concerns for protecting myself. Believe me, I am. I have been through all our financials - I know what we have and what we don't. I am moving out because I am moving into my sister's in-law addition rent free. Otherwise I would not be able to move - we need to sell the house before we can support other living situations. So him moving out now is not really an option.

 

We have been in "divorce mode" since the end of the summer. We haven't moved forward with anything because we wanted the girls to have one last holiday season in the house. This was something we discussed as a family and decided on. The girls know that we are definitely getting divorced though and that there will be no reconciliation.

The existence of a woman I. The picture almost always changes the content of a divorce and the level of hostility/amicable.

 

You won't be an exception - as you know, he is already untruthful.

 

I'm with Tara, once divorce and separate lives have been started, I don't consider this cheating.

 

That said, good choices with regard to partnerships are rarely made in close proximity to the end of a marriage.

 

Still, the marriage is between the spouses and the daughters don't "have the right" to know. It would be nearly impossible for your motive to be in the right place.

 

They'll know soon enough one way or another.

[HS Mom in NC]

OP, get a lawyer no matter what. Don't do anything until you've talked to the lawyer about it in detail.

When you decide to get divorced you stop doing things with your soon to be ex.  That's not weird.  Weird is continuing to do things with your soon to be and actual ex.  It's over.  It needs to be all the way over.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[zoobie]

Wow a lot of information to process! Thank you everyone who took time to respond to help me with this - I truly appreciate it.

 

I have had some time to think about this all. I think I will have my husband tell our daughters once we both are settled. I feel like they are already dealing with too much uncertainty. I would like them to see what the divorce can look like on the other side.

 

I understand all the concerns for protecting myself. Believe me, I am. I have been through all our financials - I know what we have and what we don't. I am moving out because I am moving into my sister's in-law addition rent free. Otherwise I would not be able to move - we need to sell the house before we can support other living situations. So him moving out now is not really an option.

 

We have been in "divorce mode" since the end of the summer. We haven't moved forward with anything because we wanted the girls to have one last holiday season in the house. This was something we discussed as a family and decided on. The girls know that we are definitely getting divorced though and that there will be no reconciliation.

 

Do you have an attorney? If there is a mortgage, and you're on it, you'll still be responsible for it. And people's warnings about abandoning marital property should not be disregarded. I wouldn't "trust" everything to go as you have verbally discussed. Absent a court order (and even with one), they're just words.

[kroe1]

For goodness sake, do not move out of the house! You will be abandoning your only asset. Get a lawyer today.

[Carol in Cal.]

Here is a story for you, about what happened to an old roommate (RM) of mine.

 

She was raised with the expectation that she would go to college and get an advanced degree.  Her parents encouraged her in that goal and supposedly planned to pay for it.

 

Right after she turned 18 her father moved out and set up housekeeping with her mother's good friend, a longtime friend of the family who had an adopted son from Europe who was 5 or 6 years old.  Her mother was shocked, and unable to prosecute the case well for support.  RM never got a dime from her father toward her college expenses, and her mother never got any child support since RM was 18 when he moved out.  She ended up only going to a trade school because she couldn't handle higher student loans than for a two year college.  Her life is at a much less high level, career and earnings wise, because of this.

 

Later on she pieced together the truth.  

 

The 'adopted son' was actually her half-brother.  Her father and the 'friend' had gotten pregnant, and the 'friend' had gone out of the area for her pregnancy and delivery.  When she came back with the adopted son, he was actually her natural born son.

 

The 'friend' and RM's father decided that they wanted to get married, but would hold off for quite a few years until his kids were all over 18 so that he would not have to pay child support or college expenses, and so that the alimony would be nil.  He encouraged RM's mother to have a career and 'find herself' during this period, so she probably got less alimony than she would have if she had been a SAHM the whole time.  He positioned this as wanting her to be self-actualized and happy, and was unfailingly loving and pleasant the whole time, for years.  The 'friend' was a frequent visitor but no one suspected what was going on.

 

Once someone decides to leave, the negotiations have started, whether the other party realizes this or not.  More often than not, divorce prep lasts for quite some time before the other party even realizes that this is in play.  By the time it's all out in the open, there is a lot of precedent setting that has happened.  The other party has been lulled into thinking that the one who wants the divorce actually has her best interests at heart, but that is almost never the case.  And if it is, it is brief and not reliable.

 

You cannot rely on your lying, cheating, charming husband to be looking out for you.  Please stop trusting him.  He has proven himself untrustworthy, and he does not deserve to determine your future.  Read other divorce threads to see what others have experienced, and take stronger action to protect yourself.  Your future is in YOUR hands.

[Guest]

I'm very surprised to see so many people advocating involving the children in their parents' personal marital issues. Especially as they are adults no longer living at home (but even if they were kids living at home), I don't see any benefit to Mom running off and basically tattling on Dad. I would NOT have wanted to know this information about my parents' marriage when I was a college student. I had enough to deal with without carrying the burden of my parents' personal emotional struggles.

 

Are people certain he was cheating, or is that an assumption? What if Mom tells the daughters that Dad was cheating, and then it turns out he wasn't? Now Mom has damaged trust with her daughters. Mom does NOT want to do that.

 

It's not tattling it's just being a regular person still, involving your family in your family life, even though you're getting divorced.

 

I did not carry the burdens of my parent's personal emotional struggles.

 

I DID, however, carry the burden of suddenly being completely on the outside of absolutely everything happening with my family. All of a sudden everything was off-limits. Couldn't talk about dad with mom, couldn't talk about mom with dad, couldn't talk about money, couldn' talk about holidays, couldn't go home because there WAS NO HOME.

 

If they had just been straightforward instead of secret secret secret it would have ben so, so much easier for me.

 

And yes the original question is should she say dad has a gf now, not should she tell the kids he was cheating before they decided to split. The latter was a theory proposed here online.

[MinivanMom]

Do not move out of your house. Please, don't move out of the house. DON'T MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

 

Call a lawyer today. TODAY!

 

Please listen to people who have experience with these situations. You cannot trust your husband to keep his word or to look out for your interests. You need a lawyer. Whatever it takes to come up with the money. You need a lawyer.

[maize]

Here is a story for you, about what happened to an old roommate (RM) of mine.

 

She was raised with the expectation that she would go to college and get an advanced degree. Her parents encouraged her in that goal and supposedly planned to pay for it.

 

Right after she turned 18 her father moved out and set up housekeeping with her mother's good friend, a longtime friend of the family who had an adopted son from Europe who was 5 or 6 years old. Her mother was shocked, and unable to prosecute the case well for support. RM never got a dime from her father toward her college expenses, and her mother never got any child support since RM was 18 when he moved out. She ended up only going to a trade school because she couldn't handle higher student loans than for a two year college. Her life is at a much less high level, career and earnings wise, because of this.

 

Later on she pieced together the truth.

 

The 'adopted son' was actually her half-brother. Her father and the 'friend' had gotten pregnant, and the 'friend' had gone out of the area for her pregnancy and delivery. When she came back with the adopted son, he was actually her natural born son.

 

The 'friend' and RM's father decided that they wanted to get married, but would hold off for quite a few years until his kids were all over 18 so that he would not have to pay child support or college expenses, and so that the alimony would be nil. He encouraged RM's mother to have a career and 'find herself' during this period, so she probably got less alimony than she would have if she had been a SAHM the whole time. He positioned this as wanting her to be self-actualized and happy, and was unfailingly loving and pleasant the whole time, for years. The 'friend' was a frequent visitor but no one suspected what was going on.

 

Once someone decides to leave, the negotiations have started, whether the other party realizes this or not. More often than not, divorce prep lasts for quite some time before the other party even realizes that this is in play. By the time it's all out in the open, there is a lot of precedent setting that has happened. The other party has been lulled into thinking that the one who wants the divorce actually has her best interests at heart, but that is almost never the case. And if it is, it is brief and not reliable.

 

You cannot rely on your lying, cheating, charming husband to be looking out for you. Please stop trusting him. He has proven himself untrustworthy, and he does not deserve to determine your future. Read other divorce threads to see what others have experienced, and take stronger action to protect yourself. Your future is in YOUR hands.

Quoting because this is worth reading twice.

 

OP, I don't think I've seen you mention a lawyer. Please, please, please, get a good lawyer.

[prairiewindmomma]

No, it honestly doesn't sound like you are protecting yourself.

Because it sounds like you don't have a lawyer and you don't have a written agreement for temporary support and you don't have a written agreement for how and when the sale of the house will occur and how the proceeds will be divided.  And now you are moving into a temporary rent free space, leaving behind one of your major assets in the hands and occupied solely by someone who has manipulated and lied to you.  Maybe this read of the situation is wrong--I hope so!  But if even part of it is right, then moving out is a very big mistake.  Please don't do that until you talk to a lawyer or two.  Your husband sounds like he has been planning this for a long time, and he is clearly lying to you for his own advantage in the matter of the girlfriend, and likely in the matter of the property settlement as well.

 

ETA:  and who is this sister in law?  A relative of yours or your DH's?  Either way, the situation is not going to last very long rent free, but if she is a relative of your DH's, I would be even more cautious.

This!!!

 

Do you have a written agreement for temporary support?

Do you have a binding agreement for how and when the sale of the house will occur and how proceeds will be divided?

Do you have directives for medical insurance, retirement, payment of college/medical bills/etc. for you and your non-minor aged children? Who will claim them on taxes? Who will use their info for the FAFSA?

 

Mediation has a time and place in divorce proceedings but I believe it should be done only AFTER consultation with a divorce attorney so that you fully understand your position.  

[Ellie]

 

 

You cannot rely on your lying, cheating, charming husband to be looking out for you.  Please stop trusting him.  He has proven himself untrustworthy, and he does not deserve to determine your future.  Read other divorce threads to see what others have experienced, and take stronger action to protect yourself.  Your future is in YOUR hands.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Haiku]

It's not tattling it's just being a regular person still, involving your family in your family life, even though you're getting divorced.

 

I guess where we differ is that I don't view parents' marital issues as a part of family life that is shared with the offspring. As I said in my first post, before the issue of cheating arose, who or that Dad is dating is not the kids' business unless and until he chooses to share it with them.

 

Divorce is hard for the kids. Frankly, there's no way around that. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but yes, I went through the "can't talk to one parent about the other" situation. In fact, I still deal with that. That's just the way it is sometimes.

[katilac]

I have been through all our financials  

 

You have been through all of the financials that you are aware of; hiding assets is very common. 

 

I hope you already have a lawyer. If you don't, you need to start making calls TODAY. A lawyer can better search for hidden assets, and can also advise you about moving out or not. 

 

Do not let your desire for an amicable divorce open you to financial ruin. Think of your daughters if nothing else - they are young adults but surely need you to be a stable presence for them. That's much harder to do if you are barely keeping your own head above water. 

 

You don't need to be ugly about it. You don't even need to say you don't trust him, just that you've realized that things will run more smoothly with the help of a lawyer. 

[Pink and Green Mom]

You say you are moving into your sister in law's house rent free.

 

Is this sister in law the sister of your husband?  If so make him move in there.  Or better yet, let him go live with his girlfriend. 

 

I am an attorney (who knows nothing about divorce law).  I would implore you to not leave your home until you have spoken to an attorney.  Not a mediator, not your husband's attorney, but your very own attorney.

[mamiof5]

Will pray for you. I really, really wish you the best. I have read most of the posts, people begging you to get an attorney. If I was you, I would not discuss one more syllable with him about the divorce, I WOULD NOT move out of my house, and I would fly if I could to get an attorney. But I'm not you, I can't make that decision. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, and in your intentions of keeping things friendly you might get burnt, you might be put in a situation you regret for decades to come. He has kept things "friendly", but not with you...if he wasn't cheating before he sure moved quickly, to be " friendly " with someone else. It doesn't sound like you have an attorney, it seems like you are trying to handle it by yourself and it could be a HUGE mistake. Not lecturing you, criticizing you or being harsh. I am typing like I would address a good friend in this situation. PLEASE GET AN ATTORNEY. Big hugs, and the best of luck in the process!

Edited March 2, 2016 by mamiof5

[goldberry]

I have no advice to add to what has already been given, just to say that I have seen husbands who the wife and everyone else thought were honest, kind, wonderful men who would NEVER do x,y,z turn totally around during a divorce and become nasty, vengeful, and manipulative. The chance of this quadruples with another woman involved. 

 

Maybe that won't happen, but it's enough of a possibility to think twice about how you proceed.

[madteaparty]

For goodness sake, do not move out of the house! You will be abandoning your only asset. Get a lawyer today.

Yes, please don't do this. It is not your job to facilitate his separate living situation.

[HS Mom in NC]

Living rent free can affect your divorce settlement.  You'll be perceived as not needing as much because your costs are lower.  That's what the divorce attorney told my step-brother last summer during his divorce.

[Ellie]

You say you are moving into your sister in law's house rent free.

 

Is this sister in law the sister of your husband?  If so make him move in there.  Or better yet, let him go live with his girlfriend. 

 

I am an attorney (who knows nothing about divorce law).  I would implore you to not leave your home until you have spoken to an attorney.  Not a mediator, not your husband's attorney, but your very own attorney.

 

:iagree:

[ErinE]

I'm very surprised to see so many people advocating involving the children in their parents' personal marital issues. Especially as they are adults no longer living at home (but even if they were kids living at home), I don't see any benefit to Mom running off and basically tattling on Dad. I would NOT have wanted to know this information about my parents' marriage when I was a college student. I had enough to deal with without carrying the burden of my parents' personal emotional struggles.

 

Are people certain he was cheating, or is that an assumption? What if Mom tells the daughters that Dad was cheating, and then it turns out he wasn't? Now Mom has damaged trust with her daughters. Mom does NOT want to do that.

 

I had a "no venting" rule with my divorcing parents. In fact, I was forced to cut off contact with one parent for several months because this rule wasn't respected. Talking about the progress of the divorce or the fact that there is someone else wouldn't be involving the children. It's simply saying, "I've decided I need a lawyer, because I've discovered your father is hiding a relationship from me. I worry he's hiding something else." That's a legitimate concern, as evidenced by all the posters talking about real situations where a cheating spouse was also a liar about other things as well.

 

Had the OP's soon-to-be-ex told the OP, "I'm stepping out," that's different. The OP would expect her STB-ex to be in a relationship and may have wanted to explore relationships herself. Dating someone while still technically married is shady. I know other posters have said it isn't an issue, but in my book, if we're still legally married, we're still together until signatures on the dotted line say different.