ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 By this, I mean handle my teen. Not that NOT dealing with him is exactly an option, but still...I am just so done. He is an Aspie, 2E, has ADHD that he refuses meds for, and a general pain in the butt who loves to argue. LOVES it. Give an inch, he'll take a mile. Get too strict and he ends up depressed. He has not had a single week this year where he got all his assignments done on time. Not one. Even with taking internet away, etc. Often, if I take the internet away he will just sleep instead. For those thinking he needs counseling, he refuses. He's 16 and nearly 6 feet tall. I can't make him talk to a counselor. Today I did tell him he could turn in the essay due today on Monday instead, and do moday's math test today. I wanted him done with Algebra 2, (it was the final test of the course) so I could sell it and be done with it. He should have finished it last year, but his stellar lack of work ethic means we JUST finished it. So fine, essay gets turned in on monday. Mind you, he was supposed to have written the thesis monday, the body paragraphs tuesday, the intro and conclusion wednesday, and gone over it all on thursday. Today was just to proofread and turn it in. But he has done, as far as I can tell, NONE of that. So instead of switching out a math assignment for a writing assignment it was more switching a week of writing for a math assignment. Which angers me. Then, yes, I told him if he went to a certain activitiy I'd like him to go to he could get a "put off assignment free" card. He now says that means he can put off his Biology test that was today until monday, and do the activity to get out of it on Sunday. No, you have to do the activity first, as I don't trust you to follow through. If you go to it on sunday THEN for the following week you can use that for one assignment. He says I wasn't specific enough, so he then christmas treed the test (picked random answers). Mind you, he didn't study at all this week, knowing the test was today,a nd he should have studied. No, he chose not to study and now wants to put the test off until MOnday, and I said no. I said go study for a few hours, then take the test. That's when he just randomly filled out answers because I said he couldn't do anything else (internet, dance on Saturday, etc) if he didn't take the test. EVERYTHING is an arguement, negotiation, complaints, whining, and often flat out lies. Then hurt feelings (faked I believe) when I don't trust him. He's smart. He's polite to people in public. He has zero work ethic. He has ALWAYS wanted to argue with me, since he could talk. Hell, he was even a colicky baby. I'm so glad I had more children eventually, because they show me that it's not me, it's him. They are compliant, happy, fun kids. He's SO MUCH WORK. I'm so freaking tired. Punishments just get him focusing on the punishment, not on what he did wrong. His father (wer'e divorced) is zero help and lives several hours away. My husband says throw him in public school, which we tried. I just ended up fighting with him about homework, projects, grades, etc. It didn't change the dynamic, it just rescheduled it so we argued at night instead of during the day. I told him tonight I just don't care anymore. If he doesn't care about his grades, or going to college (he wants to go) then I don't care either. I'm done. He knows what his assignments are, he can do them, not do them, I'm done. I'm done punishing. I'm done arguing. It does no good. He needs to do this because he wants to, or at least because he knows he needs to. I can't force that. I just feel like such a failure. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 No advice, just hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 ((((((Hugs)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Hugs, hon. That totally bites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You are not a failure. He has failed to take responsibility for his own education. You have set up all the support you could, it sounds like. I love your plan to take a huge step back. So not a failure. 24 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thanks. I'm just at a loss and feeling like a total parenting failure. But I know it isn't me, it's him. When he tried public school last year his Latin teacher, after hearing I had homeschooled him the past 5 years, got this very sympathetic look on her face and basically said, "you poor thing." And she only had him for one class! 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom25girls Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Hugs. I'm so sorry and in agreement with the previous poster . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Honestly, I'd be dropping him back in school. Possibly Monday. You can lead a horse to water ... Many hugs. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Honestly, I'd be dropping him back in school. Possibly Monday. You can lead a horse to water ... Many hugs. If I thought it would fix the problem,I would. But we did that for a semester last year. It didn't make living with him any better. But there isn't much else to do. I can maybe afford private Catholic school, with the scholarship he gets. Or the public school, which isn't great at all. Send him to live with his father and attend public school there (not sure if it's better...probably is. It's where I went years ago). Knowing his father won't keep on him at all to get stuff done. Or just give up. I know I can't keep fighting with him EVERY darned day, multiple times a day. It isn't healthy for the other kids. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Hugs, hugs, hugs. My 2nd dd, also on the spectrum, went back to public school for those same reasons. I told the school at every IEP meeting that I would not be doing homework battles. At least I got some peace during the day. More hugs. You're a good mom. At some point he'll have to figure it out. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: I would probably send him to school (with a couple of months' advance discussion, in case he wanted to change your mind) and let him sink or swim. If all he'll do either way is show up, there's no sense in making yourself crazy over whether he has done his math. Does he have a goal for after high school? 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: I would probably send him to school (with a couple of months' advance discussion, in case he wanted to change your mind) and let him sink or swim. If all he'll do either way is show up, there's no sense in making yourself crazy over whether he has done his math. Does he have a goal for after high school? He wants to go to a 4 yr college and study information security, and do that for a living, like my husband. Which of course requires grades and such. I told him fine, if he isn't going to study he will just get a bad grade, and that effects him going to college. He said, "I don't think you will let that happen." So I guess he needs to see himself fail and know I won't save him. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I think that's exactly it. He needs to go after his goal himself and understand that it can't be you dragging him to success. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I'm sorry Katie. The #1 reason I public school is that I can't handle my kids' education. I'm not enough people for them to argue with. You have tried for many more years than me. I gave up right away! Some people here would say my kids are a-typical enough to get a number of different labels, but to me, that's not the issue. The issue is, I need more hours of the day in which I'm not arguing with them. Or fighting. I also need more adults backing me up. I mean at some point, I really do think my kids realized "isn't it funny that 1,000 people have told me that x, y, and z lead to a, b and c? Maybe my mom isn't clinically insane and I do need to memorize math facts for speed. After all, three teachers, her, the principal, and then my friends' teachers in other schools all say so and all the kids are doing it." It becomes them and the world and not them and me. The world is harsher, bigger, and stronger than me. Also, I don't have to be there when they learn those lessons. Sometimes they learn the hard way and there are limits to what I'm asking them to put up with, but we're not talking about being punched in the face here. For a kid with Asperger's, he might not intuit the rules, but hearing the same thing from so many different people just increases the repetition and consistency of the rule. Hearing it from a classmate can also help. I know for a lot of kids, they don't shower until friends tell them they smell. Because you know. Parents are obviously stupid. We don't know what a stinky armpit is. Obviously. I know I can't keep fighting with him EVERY darned day, multiple times a day. It isn't healthy for the other kids. Or you. I'd outright tell him: "Arguing with you is making my life unbearable and it's hurting your brothers and sisters. You're going to public school to argue with them and you're going to face whatever consequences come. I've tried to make it easy for you, but it has just led you to believe that I'm the one with the problem. Asking you to get an education is not my problem, it's my responsibility. If you have a problem with education, that's you're problem. You can deal with it in the state institution designed to work with you on that. This is not up for debate." I have actually said this, possibly in somewhat gentler words, to my kids. "It is not fair to DSS and DSD to hear us argue, so you're going outside. This level of argument, exaggeration, and resistance to doing basic chores / homework is unacceptable. It's hurting our family. Please go outside until you can live with us nicely and fulfill your responsibilities." "No, we cannot homeschool [this came up when they realized HSed neighbor only had four hours of work per day--they are in primary grades so this makes sense]. We can't even go to the park without you freaking the hell out over your shoes. So no. I can't deal with it. This is the mom you have, one who can only argue for about five hours a day before you go to bed." "You say you won't argue but you're arguing with me right now about arguing!!!" "And don't feel sorry for yourself--you can CHOOSE to make an effort to help yourself instead of fighting me, or at least CHOOSE to evade the issue, but this is a result of CHOICES YOU MAKE, not something you can't change about yourself." <- Something I've repeated a bazillion times. "Just because I love you doesn't mean I'm not a person or you can treat me like this. Arguing wastes my time, it is insulting that you don't listen to me and just want to hear yourself talk, and you're also demanding attention that the other kids need. We might love you but living with you is becoming increasingly hard." My husband says throw him in public school, which we tried. I just ended up fighting with him about homework, projects, grades, etc. It didn't change the dynamic, it just rescheduled it so we argued at night instead of during the day. Let him fail. You're protecting him from the consequences of his actions. I don't think that causes his behavior of course--some kids need more protection and I recognize so much of your son in myself and my kids--but I do think that letting him fail would help him in the long run especially at his age. He needs to start feeling real-world consequences for his actions. His failure is not your failure. His class failure is not his life failure. You might even talk with the principal in a short discussion and explain that your son is going through growing pains, homeschooling is not working, and you know he's a tough kid but you want your son to take his education into his own hands and face the consequences of his actions, and that you're hoping he'll step up, but if not, you're prepared to help him emotionally through those consequences. 24 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Ooops, x posted. Looks like you came to that conclusion yourself. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 No advice. Not today. I am struggling with my own Aspie today and just have no answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I think you are in such a difficult position. You see the path he is going down and he isn't receptive when you try to guide him. You're a bit like Cassandra: you can see the future and he won't listen. The comment that you "won't let him fail" tells me he knows that he is pushing your buttons. I don't have much advice other than to offer a large amount of sympathy. Are there dual enrollment options? Or online courses? One of my children suddenly realized that there were consequences to incomplete work when the teacher (not mom) made note of it. It has changed our relationship completely. When I say, you must do XX because teacher said so, there is far more compliance. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 You know, more dual enrollment is an option as well. He's taking one class now, he could take more in the spring. I will say, I just walked in his room to get something and he was sitting in bed reading his history assignment. I didn't comment. He's now showering. Honestly, I don't think I'm giong to deal with this at all right now. I just can't. Oh, and all my freaking dishes are in his room. he's not supposed to do that, but he does, late at night. So there are no clean spoons. Again, in the insterest of I just can't do it anymore, I'm going to buy him a bunch of paper plates and bowls and plastic cups and silvewear. He can use those. I'm done arguing. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I'm sorry. I felt like I had to do all I could to save my son's future, when the consequences of letting him fail meant that future would be severely compromised. I wasn't brave enough, nor did I have faith enough, to surrender him completely to his own devices. IDK what the answer is--do you have the guts (for lack of a better word) to actually let him get the grade he gets, without "mommy gracing?" Here, the public school does let kids do corrections; kids who do corrections (on tests) get half their lost points back. In AP, you can correct and get up to a C only. Maybe you could do that, but no more. Papers are due when due--the highest grade you could get goes down one level every day it's late. One good thing is that community colleges take anyone, pretty much regardless of grades. If he bombs his transcript, he could still go there and move out to an apt. Worse case. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 BTdoingthat with an 18 year old 2E aspie. 16 was especially hard. He was just out in the car with me a little while ago crying about college prep and how everything is so hard for him etc. so it isn't all roses now. But he is starting to blossom now this year. Aspies can be late bloomers, I think. No advice, but :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I'm sorry. I felt like I had to do all I could to save my son's future, when the consequences of letting him fail meant that future would be severely compromised. I wasn't brave enough, nor did I have faith enough, to surrender him completely to his own devices. IDK what the answer is--do you have the guts (for lack of a better word) to actually let him get the grade he gets, without "mommy gracing?" Here, the public school does let kids do corrections; kids who do corrections (on tests) get half their lost points back. In AP, you can correct and get up to a C only. Maybe you could do that, but no more. Papers are due when due--the highest grade you could get goes down one level every day it's late. One good thing is that community colleges take anyone, pretty much regardless of grades. If he bombs his transcript, he could still go there and move out to an apt. Worse case. I think it is what I have to do. No more fighting, or arguing. It gets graded how it gets graded. End of story. Forget learning to mastery, etc. Just do the work. Of course, he currently has no output in history (bookshar/sonlight) so I guess I'd grade him on discussions? Or pay the money for this? http://www.amazon.com/History-US-Assesment-Books-Assessment/dp/0195153480 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Ironically, all this angst is pushing me more to the pro side of having another baby, which is ridiculous. But a baby doesn't talk back, lol! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Just yesterday, my DD and I got into it over me having to drag her through her schoolwork and how it's not me who will suffer from her laziness in the long run. She's 8th grade. I refuse to do this through high school, so she has this year to shape up, or it's sink or swim in PS for her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My solution with ds has been to "teach the child I have". For over a year now that has meant only doing one class because that is all he could handle and succeed at. I know this is the opposite of how many people handle it and perhaps I'm doing it all wrong. But ds and I have a very close relationship and he is growing and learning. But it is taking him longer. But in the last year he's gotten a job all by himself, works 20 hours a week and is navigating all the social requirements of that. (It won't go on a transcript but I count this as Life Skills in my head because honestly, the neuro-psych said that many 2E Aspies never get to that point.) He's also learned a lot about executive function skills and while he still has a long way to go, is lightyears from where he was even a couple of years ago. He's 2E - once he gets a handle on the other stuff that most people take for granted, I have every confidence that the academic stuff will start to happen. He does compare himself negatively to his peers though and I had to remind him that just like I have to teach the child I have, he has to accept himself as the child God made. I think he will make it to college and beyond but in a slightly different trajectory and time table than his peers. ETA: I've taught p.s. high school and I 100% know that if I had sent him there that he would have fallen through the cracks. This way has been tough and a bit hard on the ego esp. when I'm tempted to compare him to his peers, but I know I've been there to shore him up. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 The thing is, he thinks he's too smart to need to do the work. Gag. And when he does try to do the work, he ges it done quickly. He just doesn't want to do it as much as he wants to do other things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: My dd doesn't have all the compounding issues it sounds like your son does, but she is still the most pig-headed, oppositional kid. Elementary was okay because she basically just absorbed whatever I was teaching her older sisters, and so she was ahead academically and I didn't have to push her. When her sisters went off to high school and she was alone, it only took a couple of weeks till she went to school too (6th). Fight, fight, fight. She did come home for 7th, and somehow we got through that. But last year, it went straight downhill again. Everything was a battle. All the time. My other dd had come back home, and she was being affected by the 'negative aura' as she put it, that her sister was constantly putting out there with all the yelling and refusing. My best friend actually had an intervention with me in Dec., and said, 'you have to send that kid to school for your own health and sanity' (this is a friend who has always been 100% supportive of homeschooling). Oh, and also 'and you must never let her come home again'. It is so much better just having those hours of peace and quiet before she comes home, even if we still can get into it about homework. But in spite of what she thinks, I don't nag her that much. She got horrible grades on her first two math quizzes (she is very strong in math) because she didn't study at.all. Because she 'knew it already". :banghead: And I'm trying to let it go even more. I can't do it for her. She has to own it. I would send him to school (or maybe even to his dad's for school), and regain your sanity. I know, I feel like a failure too sometimes - how did I raise a kid who acts like this (and she's not Aspie, so I have no idea what her excuse is...). But they have to own it. My dd actually tries to blame me if she doesn't do well after I nag her because when I nag her, it makes her want to do it less, so it's my fault she's done nothing. So yeah, can't win. You can't make someone else learn. And I agree with a PP about him then having lots of other people repeating the information about how the world works (and you're not just making this stuff up to make his life miserable). One thought about Community College vs. ps High School. If you practically flunk yourself out of high school, CC will still be there later for you to redeem yourself after hopefully some maturing has happened. BUT... if you go right to CC now and he practically flunks himself out there, that's his permanent college GPA he's screwed up. Much harder to get a do-over for that. I wouldn't use CC unless you were fairly sure he has enough motivation to keep his grades up, and it doesn't sound like he's there yet. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Does he understand the mechanics of getting into school? Like how his GPA and test scores will determine whether and where he gets to go? Have you guys visited colleges or websites he would like to attend? Have you looked together at the average test scores and GPAs of the current freshman class? Sometimes input from the outside is a good motivator. It motivated mine. He can see what he's eligible for scholarship-wise. He can see that keeping his GPA up will help a whole lot. I get your frustration. Kids like these just seem to take so much longer to "get it." Also, the flexibility of homeschooling plays into it. My dh and I were chatting with a college recruiter and she said that the two things homeschoolers have difficulty with in college are deadlines and study skills. Good luck to you. And a good night's sleep. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 He sounds like he has a lot in common with my oldest. She's very very difficult to parent and takes by far the majority of my parental energy. It's exhausting. And it's so unfair to my other two. They deserve just as much of my attention. They deserve for the rules to be fair instead of me letting things slide for the oldest because when you're dealing with so many big issues, you can't make a big deal about the little things. They deserve for me not to be exhausted and frustrated and discouraged over and over again by the same person. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I My dd actually tries to blame me if she doesn't do well after I nag her because when I nag her, it makes her want to do it less, so yeah, can't win. LOL! Yes, he's said that same thing to me. He came out to talk to me, and I explained that as of monday he gets graded on everything. If it isn't done the grade will be lowered. Period. No arguing. He then pouted that he won't have "flexibility". Um, yes you do. You can sleep in, do it whenever you want, work ahead, whatever. Oh, and he said at least at public school there were loopholes. I said sorry, here you play by the rules, just like in a job and real life. His response? "What, all you care about is me being successful so I can make a lot of money that you can take. You just care about money." I can't even.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 He sounds like he has a lot in common with my oldest. She's very very difficult to parent and takes by far the majority of my parental energy. It's exhausting. And it's so unfair to my other two. They deserve just as much of my attention. They deserve for the rules to be fair instead of me letting things slide for the oldest because when you're dealing with so many big issues, you can't make a big deal about the little things. They deserve for me not to be exhausted and frustrated and discouraged over and over again by the same person. :( Oh, yeah. My other two get so frustrated because they feel like I let her get away with more. But every.thing.is.a.battle. It is beyond exhausting. I did find that book "The Explosive Child" somewhat helpful. But then often when I try to implement those strategies, the two others come in and say I'm not being punitive enough, and I should just punish her, which of course causes her to have an atomic explosion and makes everything 100x worse. Thanks. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 And tomorrow I need to take him for a haircut, to get a costume, and to his halloween dance I already paid for. Like I want to do that. But I also am done punishing for this crap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 LOL! Yes, he's said that same thing to me. He came out to talk to me, and I explained that as of monday he gets graded on everything. If it isn't done the grade will be lowered. Period. No arguing. He then pouted that he won't have "flexibility". Um, yes you do. You can sleep in, do it whenever you want, work ahead, whatever. Oh, and he said at least at public school there were loopholes. I said sorry, here you play by the rules, just like in a job and real life. His response? "What, all you care about is me being successful so I can make a lot of money that you can take. You just care about money." I can't even.... Good for you! Now, stick to your plan. Lol! I love it when my kids tell me that all I care about is xyz! They can get pretty creative when they're mad. Laugh so you don't cry. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You know, more dual enrollment is an option as well. He's taking one class now, he could take more in the spring. I will say, I just walked in his room to get something and he was sitting in bed reading his history assignment. I didn't comment. He's now showering. Honestly, I don't think I'm giong to deal with this at all right now. I just can't. Oh, and all my freaking dishes are in his room. he's not supposed to do that, but he does, late at night. So there are no clean spoons. Again, in the insterest of I just can't do it anymore, I'm going to buy him a bunch of paper plates and bowls and plastic cups and silvewear. He can use those. I'm done arguing. I would not consider college courses, which do go on your permanent record and which are linked to financial aid (you can flunk out--insufficient academic progress) for a child who was not meeting basic high school standards. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 LOL. They always know how to push buttons. You're doing a fantastic job. If he's gifted and 16 he could probably handle college, especially if he arranged for accommodation for ADHD. What schools is he looking at? Can you get their course plans and see what he could CLEP/DSST/AP out of so he can work quickly and get it done? Wait, aren't you in Florida? Can't he take community college classes now for free? Seems like my cousin's kid graduated with an AA and a high school diploma simultaneously. Here's the UF test out policy for Freshman: http://www.admissions.ufl.edu/ugrad/frapib.html Here's the Florida universal transfer guidelines: https://www.floridashines.org/succeed-in-college/earn-credit-by-exam My guess is once he sees he can accomplish an entire course and be through it quickly and never have to do the subjects he dreads again he might be more motivated to get things done. IDK what Catholic tuition would be, but if he did want to do something like that, how often could you afford about $100-$120 per test? Every week? Every two? It shouldn't take a bright kid long to test out of an AA degree. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: From now on, do not engage. Be as neutral as you possibly can be. It won't be easy. It will be hard. But he is seeking a way to engage you and push your buttons. He will focus on that instead of realizing he is the reason things are not working. It may take him years to understand this. As others upthread have said, sometimes these poor kids are really late bloomers. This is hard for them. But it is damaging to you and you cannot drag him through this. He has to eventually take ownership of his own education. Right now you both need to detox. You are right. You need to walk away from this for your own well-being and for that of your other children. Give a printed list of assignments for the week. Anything turned back in gets graded and returned without comment. If he wants to get help with something it is up to him to ask. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minerva Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Three hugs cuz one isn't enough. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I'm sorry. I felt like I had to do all I could to save my son's future, when the consequences of letting him fail meant that future would be severely compromised. I wasn't brave enough, nor did I have faith enough, to surrender him completely to his own devices. IDK what the answer is--do you have the guts (for lack of a better word) to actually let him get the grade he gets, without "mommy gracing?" Here, the public school does let kids do corrections; kids who do corrections (on tests) get half their lost points back. In AP, you can correct and get up to a C only. Maybe you could do that, but no more. Papers are due when due--the highest grade you could get goes down one level every day it's late. One good thing is that community colleges take anyone, pretty much regardless of grades. If he bombs his transcript, he could still go there and move out to an apt. Worse case. :iagree: I would suggest that you talk with him about late assignments and implement a new policy. One day late = automatic 5 (or 10) percent reduction in grade. Then the ball is in his court to turn the assignment in on time (or when he wants to, knowing there will be a consequence). :grouphug: to you, Katie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 So what is wrong with giving up? Why not? Just pretend he is not there as best you can. Give up on the rest of his education if you want to or continue the dual enrollment or put him in the public schools. By age 16, you are not going to change his value system except possibly a smidgen. So consider yourself done. Make one final list of what you feel he must do to continue getting your financial support and maid service, I.e. No drugs, must be in some sort of educational endeavor, laundry on Tuesdays, whatever. Make sure he knows the list and poof, you are finished. I have mentioned before that my own son was a high school dropout who is now an ER physician. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I have mentioned before that my own son was a high school dropout who is now an ER physician. That does give me some hope :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 You are right, who ever said that by arguing he focuses on that instead of on his own issues. And yes, he's a late bloomer, definitely. We have a new policy, as of Monday. Work is to be done the day assigned. 10 points off per day for late work. Period. He may ask for help. But I'm not engaging. He has a list of what to do. I also had DH pick up plastic cups, silverwear, paper plates and bowls. He can use those, so we are not fighting over dishes. (in college his father let the dishes get so bad that I had to don protective gear and throw them all away. They had plants and such growing off of them, it was so bad. I divorced that man for a reason, i'm not living through that again.) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You are right, who ever said that by arguing he focuses on that instead of on his own issues. And yes, he's a late bloomer, definitely. We have a new policy, as of Monday. Work is to be done the day assigned. 10 points off per day for late work. Period. He may ask for help. But I'm not engaging. He has a list of what to do. I also had DH pick up plastic cups, silverwear, paper plates and bowls. He can use those, so we are not fighting over dishes. (in college his father let the dishes get so bad that I had to don protective gear and throw them all away. They had plants and such growing off of them, it was so bad. I divorced that man for a reason, i'm not living through that again.) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I wish you and your family the very best as you navigate these waters. Deep breathes. This too shall pass. It won't always be this hard. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I got a taste of this today with my 10 year old son. For me it's just one subject (writing) where he bucks me completely and totally. I was on here earlier today asking for recommendations for writing courses for 10 year olds with a teacher that's not me. Today, for the first time in my life, I burst into tears in public (we were homeschooling out today) over our writing lesson. This is up there as one of the lowest days in my life. It's like he just hates me when writing starts. Like a switch is flipped and this anger and hatred come pouring out. We're entering our 3rd year with this dynamic and today the dam burst and I found myself crying in public. (There are only 4 people on this planet who have ever seen me cry-and that was always in private. Ugh.) I knew right then and there that if he starts fighting me on other subjects that I will not continue homeschooling him. So far it's just writing, so I think I can manage it, but I can understand how horrible it would be if he fought me on everything. I say this now, with just my 10 year old giving me trouble, but I *think* I'd send him away to school if he fought me that hard every step of the way on all the subjects. These writing lessons are damaging me, him, and his brother. My dh, who isn't dramatic in the slightest, said that our dynamic over writing is abusive, with ds10 being the abuser. He said it needs to stop. Our plan is to have DH moderate our lessons and see if we can repair whatever seems to happen when it's time to write. If that doesn't work, then DH will do the lessons and I'll be out of the picture entirely. If that doesn't work, it's online for writing and we won't help him at all. He'll either pass or fail his class based on his own motivation. I don't think you're really a failure, just as I don't think I'm a failure. I just feel like one, as you feel like one. I'd be searching out public or private schools now if I were you. :( Especially since he said that you won't let him fail. That would have been the final nail in the coffin for me. It just hurts too much to try to force a kid to learn who turns into a little Mr. Hyde when school starts. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Yes, it's not just one subject with us. Or rather, the subject constantly changes. he doesn't balk on all of it, but he doesn't get it all done, either. Right now he has an essay and a biology test that should have been done that weren't. They will be turned in/done monday, or grades will be docked. And that's it. But it's always about 2 assignments or so not done, every single day. Which adds up over the course of the school year. And lots of harrassing/reminding/nagging/punishing to get it to the point where most of it is done, but not all of it. No amount of those things gets it all done. So I'm going to stop, and move on with my life, and let the grades be the grades be the grades. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Another reason I'd vote to send him to school rather than continuing to try to homeschool him... If you homeschool him and let him fail, it will be YOUR FAULT. (No, not really, but that's what he'll say). You were 'too hard on him" or 'didn't give him enough flexiblity' or bla bla bla excuses, but you did the grading and you will write the transcript with the F's, and I'm telling you, he'll want to blame you. Kids like this blame everyone but themselves. At least if he went to ps and flunked out (or just pulled C's or D's), he can still try to blame you (bet he will), but you didn't give the assignments, grade the work, or write the transcript. I also doubt he will really take it seriously even if you start handing out D's and F's. Because he still won't really believe that you will put those grades on his final college transcript. Something magic will happen, you will want him to get into college, so he won't take those grades seriously. I think you need to let him fail (if he takes it that far), but I wouldn't put yourself in the position of being the one actually handing him the failing grades. It will just give him more excuses to make it about you, and not about him. 24 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (((Hugs))) First off, you're not a parenting failure. Some kids are just very hard to parent. I have one who was hard and two who aren't. What did I do differently? I worked a whole heckuvalot harder with the challenging one, so why was he still so challenging? Rarely did I have to discipline the other two. In fact, the challenging one went to PS for high school, because I knew that homeschooling him was going to ruin any relationship we might have. (Not saying you should send your child to school, just sayin' what I did.) I drove him to school each day and picked him up from school each day for about 2.5 years until he got his license. I just listened to him talk each trip. No radio, no cell phone. It helped tremendously and he actually was a really good teen. Not that we never had a run-in, but he was a "good kid" and never squabbled with his teachers over assignments. He got good grades, didn't get into trouble, and was fun to have around (most of the time) when I wasn't the one in charge of his entire life. Fast forward: He is now a productive member of society, supporting a wife and two kids. He is still different than my other two kids, though. I tell you this to encourage you that what your son is now is not what he will be after a few years of maturity. And that when you have a difficult kid, it is just compounded by the fact that you are with them all day. DON'T beat yourself up about your parenting. Nothing positive ever comes from that. Ask me how I know. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (Hugs) :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I'm considering that as well. But honestly, he was so hard to deal with when he was in public school, it was no better. And he was constantly sick. The school here I later found out has issues from cement dust blowing in from the cement "factory" for lack of a better word, behind it. Maybe that's why he was sick, maybe it was stress, I don't know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Has he tried ADHD meds at all? That might be another angle to approach. I know a couple kids that started drugs in high school that were just bright enough to get through to that point and it mad a night and day difference to their ability to stay focused and self motivated. I just think it's completely understandable if you are ready to pull yourself out of the picture. I have distanced myself from what my 9th grader is doing day to day. Is online charter an option if your local PS is not an option? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.