ikslo Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Do not just get a lawyer, get a GREAT lawyer. It will cost more money, you will make back the money you spend in child support and alimony and your property settlement. I have worked with countless middle aged women over the years who got a cheap lawyer and were "nice" during the divorce hoping to reconcile and trying to keep things easy for the kids. They did not reconcile, the kids are mad about mom having to work three minimum wage jobs to barely support them while dad has a great new house with his new wife. DO NOT BE NICE! This is not the time. Be nice after you get all the legally allowable alimony, child support, 1/2 of his retirement and 1/2 of the equity in your house. Until then, you need to be a B*tch. I am sorry. Really, truly, I will pray for you. This is rotten, you don't deserve it. :grouphug: :grouphug: I second the above. I tried being 'nice' when I got divorced. Not so good results. The next time I needed a lawyer to deal with ex, I specifically told another lawyer I wanted the meanest SOB of a lawyer I could find. He knew EXACTLY what I meant. Results were MUCH better in those legal dealings. (And, btw, he wasn't actually 'mean'. But he was very crafty and shrewd and knew when to be aggressive.) Also, it's perfectly fine to do all the things people are suggesting without mentioning any of it to your dh unless absolutely necessary. You can always store the information for later if you find you don't need it immediately. Nothing wrong with that, especially in light of this event. Because even if he 'changes his mind' at this point, you will have that security blanket of information/cash/etc., should he change his mind again. Also, I wouldn't decide to abandon the house quite yet just because it's a "fixer upper". Somewhere down the road, you might find some therapeutic value in ripping out sheet rock and pounding nails and such. I'd hang onto it if at all possible. :grouphug: 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Anne Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm so very sorry. I would think the first thing to do would be get a lawyer. I agree. Praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Oh. This is just huge. No wonder you're not functioning. It's not something that people can take easily. I don't have any advice (other than 'don't play nice' as above) but I do have an observation from having stood by women in your position. The bad news: this will be the hardest year of your life. The hardest most hellish, crying every night year you could possibly be facing. The good news: in a year (or a year plus a few months) you fledging still-tender, but tidy and shiny new life will feel like a breath of fresh air. The constant turmoil of a marriage on its last legs is *SO* much colossally hard work that the difference will be night and day. I don't know if that was worth sharing. I mean it mostly as an expression that I'm here on the other side of the Internet rooting for you. We're all here for you. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm so very sorry. I would also get a lawyer. A good lawyer who is not nasty but who has a reputation for advocating well for his/her clients. I am 100% pro-marriage but I also know from walking through this with friends that if he pursues divorce with no hope of reconciliation, you need to not *try to be who he wants you to be* through this and you need to protect your children and you. I would also reach out to someone -- family member or support group (Divorce Care maybe?) -- because the grief and non-functioning makes it hard to make objective decisions. Which you will now have to make on your own if he continues down this path. Hope is not lost. I know of two marriages very, very close to me that were right where yours is but both marriages made it through stronger than ever. It's a beautiful thing to see. There is much heartbreak though in the process. I'll pray for you both. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 ((Mrs. Weasley)). Lawyer up ASAP. Follow your lawyer's financial advice ASAP. I am so sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I can't stop thinking about you and your children. :grouphug: to you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Anne Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Document everything. Be detailed but leave out emotion. Journal your emotions if that helps, but keep them out of any document that might go into court. If you journal your emotions keep the book near you at all times, like in your purse. If you have an electronic journal get it off any shared drives asap. He can get a copy of the drive just like you and he has no right to it. Do everything that you can to realize that this man is not your friend. Try to relax into the thought that you will not have to try to be anyone for him anymore. There can be a lot of hope in that. Praying for you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm so sorry :grouphug: I agree with the advice above to get a lawyer immediately--one who who will be vicious when it comes to going after every possible asset to get it for you and your kids if this divorce happens. Don't lose hope yet; work toward saving the marriage. But prepare as if it can't be saved. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I can't stop thinking about you and your children. :grouphug: to you all. Me too. You've been on my heart all day. I'm praying for you and hoping for the best outcomes. The ladies here have given you great advice and I have nothing to add but hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I have no advice, but wanted to give you a :grouphug: ... so sorry you're going through this... it sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Do not be afraid that you are going to be homeless because the house is in his name. You are entitled to at least half of the equity in the house, and whose name is on the title is completely irrelevant. Do not move out. But, next time--don't do that!Agree.I'm a sahm. My name is on our house. My name is on all bank accounts. Marriage is a partnership and you should have just as much access as your spouse. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I wouldn't leave the house or kids for any extended period of time. My Aunt did that during her first marriage (he told her he wanted a divorce), she left to give them space for 3 days. Her husband changed the locks emptied the bank accounts and claimed she abandoned her children. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I am so sorry. :crying: But you can get through this. I agree with everyone else about getting a good, tough attorney who specializes in divorce. I also agree with all of the advice about the financial stuff. You need to know every detail about the finances so you don't get cheated. Also, remember what others have said about your dh -- he didn't just suddenly decide out of the blue that he wants a divorce. He has been planning and thinking about this for a while now. And he didn't breathe a word of it to you. That's why people are telling you that you can't trust a word he says. I have every confidence that he has already seen an attorney. You have to catch up and get your ducks in a row, too -- without giving your dh any information about what you are doing. And every time you are talking with your dh and he is trying to make you feel sorry for him (because he will be trying to tell you he can't afford to support you and the kids any more so you should accept a low settlement,) remember that you need every last penny for your children, and that he is the one who wanted the divorce, not you. I know it sounds sneaky, but your dh has already been sneaky and deceitful, so you need to get yourself into a stronger position and find out exactly what kind of settlement you can expect to receive for yourself and your children. And then you have to fight for it if your dh doesn't agree. And I hate to say this, but assume another woman is involved. There might not be, but if he has been acting strangely for a while and suddenly wants a divorce, I would strongly suspect that there is a girlfriend waiting in the wings. I hope I'm wrong, but I have known a lot of divorced couples and when the husband was the one who wanted out, it was almost always because of another woman. I am so sorry you are going through this. But even though it is terrifying, you and your kids will get through it. One day at a time. And your life will be better at the end of all of this mess. We are here for you, so please don't hesitate to ask for advice or even just to vent about how you are feeling. I know we aren't with you in real life, but if you're sitting alone and feeling upset, you can always post here and we will try to talk it out with you. I wish we could do more. :grouphug: 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 My husband told me he wants to get divorced last night. We've struggled for a while, but I had thought we had been doing better. I've been trying especially hard to be who he wants me to be. I feel pretty blindsided. Other than taking my middle child to violin this morning, I have been completely non-functioning: pretty much crying or sleeping while the kids run feral all day. I have somewhere I need to take my eldest where I can't take my littles: he was supposed to watch them, but I have no idea what he's doing. We got together as a freshman in high school. I have never in my adult life been alone, and I'm terrified. I dropped out of college to raise our children. I have never worked a job that made more than a couple dollars over minimum wage, and I haven't worked at all since we had our oldest. The house and cars are all in his name. Most of the credit cards are and all the rest are in joint accounts. The house is a fixer upper that I couldn't handle by myself. I am socially isolated and have no one to talk to about this IRL. IDK what to do. Just breathing is hard. I just keep praying it was a moment of insanity and he'll come home like everything is normal. But I don't think that's going to happen. I just want someone to tell me what to do. So, in the days after the initial disclosure, what are the absolute most important things to maximize my chances of keeping custody of our children and being able to support us? 1. 100% of the bank accounts in either one of your name are half owned by the other. That's what marriage is. That includes the house and the cars. Please remember this: it is not his. If he intended to keep it in divorce he should have gotten a prenup or not gotten married. You built the family wealth together, end of story. Do not doubt that for a minute no matter what he says. Unless you are both poor and have no property, you will not be in a shelter. Your kids deserve this. You aren't doing this for you, you're doing it for the kids. Remember that. And call the bank and find out the exact amounts right now. Whether or not he's cleaned them out: 2. Get a lawyer NOW. Let them know that they will have to take their fees out of the settlement, but that you have been a housewife and let them know what the house is worth. You might have to sell or mortgage to pay bills but you can do it. You will have half your family's wealth and you will have child support. In any state you will get that. The lawyer will help. Get a good one. You deserve it. Call this morning. Also, call the banks. If you can't get the amounts in the bank, see if the lawyer can help you get it. This is in the lawyer's interest because without that money, they won't get paid. Please, please get a lawyer. 3. You get your kids at least half time. Again, END OF STORY. You do need a good lawyer and you will probably be out a chunk of change from the house but I promise you, it will be worth it. I'm still paying of my ever-loving divorce and the lawyer was worth every penny. Your husband cannot take your kids from you unless he lies and you don't fight it. So prepare to fight any ridiculousness. You will keep your kids, at least 1/2 time. I can't promise you more than that--he is their father, after all. But you should get child support for your time since you gave up gainful employment to raise his kids. 4. Keep a list of everything he does. Hopefully, he won't be a total jackass. But, just in case, keep a list daily. This is so important. When it comes time, should your husband decide to make accusations against you, that list will be helpful to create an affidavit that will help int he he-said, she-said stuff. Also, all drop-offs, pick-ups of kids, should he ask to see them while away, in public. I did mine in front of a police station because my ex was that awful. In front of your church with the pastor there is another possibility. That way, he cannot take advantage of the interaction to try to create any tension or conflict that could cause problems later. Please note that even if he's cleaned out the accounts, you can get that back. You can subpoena bank records. You gave up a college education and decades of salary for this man and the kids of both of yours. That is your money because you were working for him. http://www.sequenceinc.com/fraudfiles/2012/02/discovery-of-financial-documents-in-family-law-cases/ I know it sounds disgusting to talk about money at a time like this. And money isn't everything. But you are in a situation where you are extremely vulnerable. Please, please, please, take care of this for your kids' sake. Right now you are fighting for the wellbeing of your children. Don't lose sight of it. There is a future for you. I too was left, not once but several times. It was horrible. Divorce ended up to be one of the best things that ever happened to us. Good luck. Please let us know if you can't find a lawyer. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 *hugs* and I am so sorry you're going through this. I watched and supported my best friend through a very similar situation a few years ago. She married her ex right out of college, never worked (he didn't let her), was a stay at home mom. I know state law varies, but in VT, she got 2 years of spousal support, child support until their son is 18, he had to pay for her attorney's fees, half the equity in the home and half of all bank accounts, including his retirement account. So you're not going to be left high and dry with nothing. Get a good lawyer. Her lawyer was ok, but she didn't do a great job for my friend. Copy everything from any hard drive in the house to an external drive and give it to someone for safekeeping. Do not leave your home - he can go get an apartment and pay for the mortgage as well. You have 3 small children and they need to keep the roof over their head. If you don't handle your finances currently, give yourself a crash course. Find the bills, see if they're all paid up. Check the online accounts. He may or may not have set up a separate bank account for himself already and probably already has a lawyer. And I'm sorry, but I agree with some of the pp's, he may also already have a girlfriend. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I am in a similar situation right now. We are "working on things" but I don't really know if we will be able to reconcile. Everyone here is giving you great advice but I know right now you are in bed with the covers over your head. And the thought of even breathing can be too much. I spent the first two weeks wanting to curl up in a ball and die or drive myself off a cliff. It is hard to want to do that and take copies of all your bank statements and hire a lawyer and figure out your mortgage etc. Most people would have a hard time doing all of that without going through the worst emotional upheaval ever. I wanted to just stand in the middle of the street and yell "HELP ME!" at the top of my lungs and have someone come in and make it all better. But then I realized that if I did that I would probably be taken to the hospital. Then they would give me some medicine to calm down. Then they would tell me that I was about to face one of the most difficult chapters in life so I would need to: take care of myself, exercise for stress, eat better, and perhaps go see my doctor for some anxiety medicine to help me through all this. So I decided to just cut right to the advice and try to do all those things. Because in the end, that is what you will have to do. I still feel like I am underwater most days. But I don't want to drive off a cliff anymore so that is progress. Take strength in the little things you CAN achieve every day. 50% of marriages end in divorce so that is a lot of people who go through this and come out the other side. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling up to calling a lawyer so you can start approaching this situation from a position of knowledge and strength. :grouphug: Information is power. You can do this. :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Just letting you know I'm thinking of you today. I imagine your head must be spinning. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I second the above. I tried being 'nice' when I got divorced. Not so good results. The next time I needed a lawyer to deal with ex, I specifically told another lawyer I wanted the meanest SOB of a lawyer I could find. He knew EXACTLY what I meant. Results were MUCH better in those legal dealings. (And, btw, he wasn't actually 'mean'. But he was very crafty and shrewd and knew when to be aggressive.) Also, it's perfectly fine to do all the things people are suggesting without mentioning any of it to your dh unless absolutely necessary. You can always store the information for later if you find you don't need it immediately. Nothing wrong with that, especially in light of this event. Because even if he 'changes his mind' at this point, you will have that security blanket of information/cash/etc., should he change his mind again. Also, I wouldn't decide to abandon the house quite yet just because it's a "fixer upper". Somewhere down the road, you might find some therapeutic value in ripping out sheet rock and pounding nails and such. I'd hang onto it if at all possible. :grouphug: The bolded made me laugh. I did the exact same thing. Because I worked in banking in the troubled asset department, as well as administration, I knew the "meanest" lawyers. The one I knew with the reputation for the being the most cut-throat is the one I went to. It didn't hurt that he was always flirting with me even though he was 30 years older than me. I didn't "like" him, but I used him as my lawyer. My ex didn't fight for anything. I got full custody of DD, the house (which I sold after getting a quit-claim deed from the ex), and he didn't even show up for the hearing. At first, It was painful, and I felt like such a failure. However, that quickly changed to an anger that fed the nasty side of me that doesn't take any crap. You could say he unleashed the devious demon within. I can have a very nasty temper which the ex found out about the first time he ever tried to get physically abusive with me. Anger took over and I got physical with him. It shocked him so much that from then on he argued with me from a distance. Thankfully, once I became a Christian, I lost much of the temper. It only pops out now when someone or something threatens my family. Take heart OP. Things look bleak now, and the hurt is crushing, but everyday it gets a little better bit by little bit. Stay focused on the here and now and what needs to get done. Get some support. You can survive this. It's not what any of us would have wished or planned for, but many of us have gone through it and have come out with new extraordinary and loving relationships -- like me and my wonderful 2nd DH of almost 15 years. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I can have a very nasty temper which the ex found out about the first time he ever tried to get physically abusive with me. Anger took over and I got physical with him. It shocked him so much that from then on he argued with me from a distance. one more example of bullies are cowards at heart. I know another woman who had a similar experience. she broke through a locked door to stop her ex from whipping his own dd with a belt and got between them. she just said - you have to go through me to get to her and if you touch me don't ever go to sleep. he backed down. she filed for divorce shortly afterwards and she got full custody of both of HIS daughters. and they had only been married a few months at most. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: First things first, take a deep breath and call a lawyer. Many give a free 30 minute consult over the phone. Look into legal aid in order to afford one if necessary. You need to protect you and your kids. Regardless of the house being in his name. He needs to be the one to move out. If you move out with the kids you may risk forfeiting any claim to the house because it is in his name especially. If you 2 do get divorced given how long you have been together, and that you have been a sahm etc you may be entitled to alimony as well as child support as a way to support you and the kids until you can get some job training under your belt. Do not try and get a job until that is settled. YOu want the courts to see you being a sahm is the status quo. Perhaps look into some training you can do in the evenings online, or college classes done that way, as a way to start preparing for searching for a job. Track down everything that shows the financial side of things in your marriage, income, tax returns, investments, ownership papers, debts etc If you 2 have money in a bank account, take the money out before he can do anything to block you or take it yourself. It is time to start thinking of yourself as a survivor and not a victim. Plan ahead to protect yourself. EVen nice people can have really sh*tty divorces. Don't make the mistake of trying to play nice or fair, it will come back to haunt you later, because it end up making you a doormat to a douche (speaking from experience here, both mine and many other women that I have spoken to) regardless of his desire for a divorce he still needs to be there for the kids, so if you have an appt to take oldest to that youngers can not go to he still needs to step up and watch them. I would start going to counselling now (it is something I neglected to do after my separation and really should have, even though I initiated it, I was a mess and it was not good for my kids). Above all else, just breathe. Take each day as it comes. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next day or the next. Just do what you need to do each day as it comes. Be as functional as possible for the kids sake. of course you will cry and be hurt and upset and scared. But when it comes to pass that the kids learn the truth they will need you to be their rock, because they will be hurt and scared and upset. So save the tears for bathroom breaks and bedtime. It's hard, but it is life as a mom. If this turns out to not happen, and you 2 find a way to make it work it is really important you get your name on the major assets and make yourself financially independant of him with a bank account of your own etc. Just breathe. Today is a new day. Enter with a new attitude. You will not spend it crying and non functioning, you will gird yer loins and make a plan and talk to a lawyer. Fear of the unknown is common. SO learn what you need to know by talking to a lawyer. Protect yourself financially. ANd put on a strong face forward for the kids. I found myself often repeating to my kids "it'll all be okay, you'll see" and for a long time I was saying it as much for myself as for them. ANd it has been. Not easy, not without stress and worry, but it has all been okay. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 ... Go to your bank and get a bank statement for every account. Today. And photocopy the last several months of retirement account statements--for you and for your husband. (To clarify--I don't mean give him the copies, just make sure you have copies of all of his account statements.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Oh. This is just huge. No wonder you're not functioning. It's not something that people can take easily. I don't have any advice (other than 'don't play nice' as above) but I do have an observation from having stood by women in your position. The bad news: this will be the hardest year of your life. The hardest most hellish, crying every night year you could possibly be facing. The good news: in a year (or a year plus a few months) you fledging still-tender, but tidy and shiny new life will feel like a breath of fresh air. The constant turmoil of a marriage on its last legs is *SO* much colossally hard work that the difference will be night and day. I don't know if that was worth sharing. I mean it mostly as an expression that I'm here on the other side of the Internet rooting for you. We're all here for you. This, and I will add to it, you will learn you have a strength you never knew you had. Many times I have seen women who are very dependant on their spouses, even if they think they are independant women. And they really struggle through the transition of being alone. I have seen it during a separation/divorce, and after the husband dies. The woman feel lost, helpless etc. And then about a year later during this emergence they realize how strong they are. What being an independant women is really like. Their attitude towards life and roles etc changes. And you start to wonder how you ever could have felt that this would be impossible or scary. Because here you are standing on your own 2 feet, and even if there are still struggles, you know that you will figure out how to deal with them and all will be well. It is a positive benefit of such a tumultuous time in your life. When that time comes embrace it. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You have gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to add make doctor and dentist appointments right away while you are still covered by his insurance. And pay with them using a jointly held account. Start accumulating all the cash you can. Good luck. :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm so sorry. When my cousin divorced she talked to a lawyer who told her that 50% of everything was hers. She may have gone on a spending spree to stock the home with groceries, clothing for the kids and household supplies. This was valid because it was items for the home and she still was entitled to 50% of what was leftover in the bank account after she stocked the home. Just a thought. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evan Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 1. 100% of the bank accounts in either one of your name are half owned by the other. That's what marriage is. That includes the house and the cars. Please remember this: it is not his. If he intended to keep it in divorce he should have gotten a prenup or not gotten married. You built the family wealth together, end of story. Do not doubt that for a minute no matter what he says. Unless you are both poor and have no property, you will not be in a shelter. Your kids deserve this. You aren't doing this for you, you're doing it for the kids. Remember that. And call the bank and find out the exact amounts right now. Whether or not he's cleaned them out: 2. Get a lawyer NOW. Let them know that they will have to take their fees out of the settlement, but that you have been a housewife and let them know what the house is worth. You might have to sell or mortgage to pay bills but you can do it. You will have half your family's wealth and you will have child support. In any state you will get that. The lawyer will help. Get a good one. You deserve it. Call this morning. Also, call the banks. If you can't get the amounts in the bank, see if the lawyer can help you get it. This is in the lawyer's interest because without that money, they won't get paid. Please, please get a lawyer. I believe you live in a community property state, however, if the OP does not, then the guidelines for asset distribution in divorce may be quite different. Although community property states do hold that all marital property is half owned by each spouse, the court is required to distribute the property (and debts) with fairness and equity which may give one spouse a greater than, or less than, fifty percent share if extenuating circumstances make that equitable. Additionally, even in community property states, there are provisions for excluding assets from marital/community property when those assets were owned by one spouse prior to marriage (even if there was not a prenup/postnup agreement) and, in some cases with further certain provisions, even when those assets were acquired during the marriage. I do agree that the OP should seek counsel from a competent attorney in the state where she and her husband intend to file for divorce. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (((mrs. weasley))) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I am so sorry. I would get to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Call one right now. you need to protect yourself. I do not know if this is "legal" but I had a friend in the same situation and she did this - go and take out some money from your ATM right this minute so you have some cash in case you are locked out of the house/credit cards are cancelled (I am not suggesting you take all the money, just some so you could at least get a hotel room for a night if you had to). If things are not quite that dire (although honestly, you never know) go to the grocery store every day. At the grocery store, buy a visa check card (that you can later use a cash) in addition to a few groceries. Start making every purchase (and do this daily - like go to the grocery store, the drug store, etc) on a debit card and get $20, $40 whatever out as cash back and stash it somewhere safe. Go to your bank and get a bank statement for every account. Today. I agree with Pink and Green. I'm so, so, so sorry. But getting angry -- once the shock wears off -- might help you get through these first weeks. Do what you can. One step at a time. Call a lawyer. (Please get a really good one.) You might go onto your city's CityData forum and ask if anyone knows of a great divorce lawyer. Walk into your bank and get the bank statements. Just keep taking one step at a time. Don't agree to leave your house. I forget why, but a friend who divorced had to live w/ her ex for several months. Don't leave your home no matter what. (Meaning: don't move out.) Personally, I'd take cash out of the bank so that I had bills that I could access. You are strong and you will survive. I used to snicker at this idea, but the Chinese have a symbol that means both crisis and opportunity. One time, my husband lost his job and our toddlers were just two years old. Life was scary. People kept giving me that "stupid" quote. In the long run, the quote was right on the money. Crazy as this sounds, this might be a serious opportunity for you. Stay in touch with the Hive. We are real life. We're real people. We're really here. You're not alone. Alley 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm so sorry. When my cousin divorced she talked to a lawyer who told her that 50% of everything was hers. She may have gone on a spending spree to stock the home with groceries, clothing for the kids and household supplies. This was valid because it was items for the home and she still was entitled to 50% of what was leftover in the bank account after she stocked the home. Just a thought. I don't know if this is true, but sounds good to me!! Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You have gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to add make doctor and dentist appointments right away while you are still covered by his insurance. And pay with them using a jointly held account. Start accumulating all the cash you can. Good luck. :grouphug: Super good idea. Add this to your list with the lawyer and bank. See your OBGYN for your annual too. And your mammogram if you get those. Talk to the doctors they may have good referrals for you re: lawyers. One foot in front of the other. I like Dory too: Just keep swimming. You can do this. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: I'm so sorry! Sent from my VS985 4G using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I agree with all the financial advice. Money is not everything, but lack of it can be crippling. Assume your dh has already started to hide some assets. You can pretend you want to work everything out, so that he is lulled into not acting too fast. Meanwhile, get the financial info and get some funds in your name. You can charge things for yourself/kids on a credit card too. He will be responsible for half that debt in most states. You may be pleasantly surprised by how much you are entitled to, but you have to know about all the assets. Most states have formulas for dividing assets. You need to find out what the formulas are before arguing your particular case. Some public libraries have the law books. Also, be aware that the court may impute some earning power to you, so be prepared with a school for your kids, should you have to work down the line. The attorney is critical NOW. If your dh has consulted with a particular attorney, that person cannot take your case. So by consulting you can close off some avenues for him. Finding an attorney is often the most difficult step, since you do not want to broadcast this to everyone yet. I have a friend whose xdh consulted with a zillion attorneys; my friend had a hard time finding one who could represent her. Adding: if there is any history of abuse, consider a restraining order. Not as a tactic, but if there is a serious history. Adding more. Some spouses who are not the primary caregivers sue for full custody. They may try to use this to get financial concessions, not because they actually want full custody. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Has MrsWeasley been online today? I'm worried about her and I hope she checks in soon if she has a spare moment. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I believe you live in a community property state, however, if the OP does not, then the guidelines for asset distribution in divorce may be quite different. Although community property states do hold that all marital property is half owned by each spouse, the court is required to distribute the property (and debts) with fairness and equity which may give one spouse a greater than, or less than, fifty percent share if extenuating circumstances make that equitable. Additionally, even in community property states, there are provisions for excluding assets from marital/community property when those assets were owned by one spouse prior to marriage (even if there was not a prenup/postnup agreement) and, in some cases with further certain provisions, even when those assets were acquired during the marriage. I do agree that the OP should seek counsel from a competent attorney in the state where she and her husband intend to file for divorce. There are provisions but those are often in extremely high-wealth cases or for specific items that are passed through families. It's not like you can just use provisions to exclude your ex-wife from the property your family has built up together. My point is that if he tries to bully her into thinking she's going to have to take what he says or she'll get nothing (this is a common thing for the breadwinner to say during divorce) she should know that the law is on her side. As for states in which it is not community property... the point is that they share it, even if it won't be divided equally. The law is still going to protect women like Mrs. Weasley who sacrifice everything for their families, so that sacrifice doesn't put them at risk of homelessness in case of divorce. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiara.I Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 See your OBGYN for your annual too. And your mammogram if you get those. And get a full STD panel run. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hkpiano Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Thinking of you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Adding more. Some spouses who are not the primary caregivers sue for full custody. They may try to use this to get financial concessions, not because they actually want full custody. This just happened to my friend. DH wanted her to sell the house so he could get some of the money. Next thing you knew, he was suing for FULL CUSTODY when he had never done a darn thing with those kids their whole lives. She was a sahm who the kids adored. Hmmm.. well, agree to sell the house and I'll drop the custody suit! It was apparently immaterial to him that he scared the crap out of his kids and basically alienated them for the rest of their lives. UGLY. Yes.. have a good lawyer and don't try to play nice. You're a mom first now. :grouphug: 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 :grouphug: I know that you are scared, shocked, confused, and hurt. You may not have IRL friends you think you can talk about this, but better yet, you have a giant online family who will help see you through this. As others have said, please do not play nice. I know two friends who did this and it ruined them. There's no going back. Fight hard....you've been with him your entire life, given up your career, etc. For lawyer recommendations, you can try martindale.com or avvo.com Local divorce forums are also good. If you're shy, go for somebody who will stand up for you and be aggressive. It doesn't matter (usually) whose names are on the accounts and deeds if they were accumulated after the marriage and there is no pre-nup. If you you do not have joint bank accounts and he gives you an allowance for groceries, then your lawyer can put in an order for temporary support, etc. You can also pretend to play nice while you gather info. Old tax forms can give you info on retirement , investment, and banking accounts. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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