Vent: I'm really, really dreading this trip

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

This is a ridiculous first-world problem, I know, but I am just so totally dreading this cruise we're due to go on. I feel like nothing is going right. It's a huge amount of money that we didn't know we wouldn't have when we committed to this two years ago. There's no way out of it, and for family reasons there was no saying no anyway (long and tragic story I can't go into, it's kind of a "live for today!" memorial kind of thing). 

 

I started having panic attacks a month or so ago, and the idea of being at open sea makes me want to curl up and die. DH is disappointed that we have no money for excursions, and while the kids and I are fine with drinking water the whole time, he wants drinks, and that is going to be insanely expensive. I have stomach problems that are going to make it hard for me to enjoy eating while we're on the boat and tricky going off the boat. Both oldest DD and I are introverted, and the idea of the four of us being in that tiny cabin for a week makes my skin crawl. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl, and I don't enjoy dressing up. I was originally told this was a freestyle cruise, no dressing up, captain's dinner, formal night, etc. Except now I find out that we're going to be doing one formal night! That means spending money on something for both youngest DD and myself to wear (her only fancy dress that fits at the moment is for cold weather). We're traveling with a large of group of crazy extroverts who will think DD and I are nuts for needing to be alone at all. And now apparently there's some question about our stateroom and whether the girls will have to share a bed. If they end up having to share that tiny pullout couch, this is going to be an extra layer of misery. One is a tosser/kicker/elbow thrower, and the other needs to listen to an audiobook to fall asleep, which drives the elbow thrower nuts.

 

I could just cry. I can't talk to DH about this because he's so very excited, and it's his family/extended family we're traveling with. I don't want to dump all this on the kids, because I don't want to color their views on it either. I just needed to get it all out somewhere. And it just makes it more painful that we're spending so much money on this vacation I don't even want to go on (and forgoing our beloved annual family vacation to the Outer Banks, which costs 1/3 of the price and which is where we would be this week :crying:). 

 

Gah, I know it will probably all be fine, but I'm just so tied in knots about the whole thing.

 

(Also, please don't quote me because I'll probably delete this later, just in case.)

[GinaPagnato]

Oh, man, I can feel your pain.

 

I'm sorry, I really am. I think things will be better than you're anticipating. And, whatever does come up, you'll take it a moment at a time.

 

Since there's nothing you can do about it now, the best thing is to just put on a brave and (fake) smiling face and move forward.

 

You have my  :grouphug: and wishes for a good trip.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

Sorry, my only free advice is to allow yourself to be yourself and do what you want while you are there.  

 

(My nightmare would be traveling with my mil, so you have my deepest sympathy.)

[Plink]

((hugs))

 

For what it's worth, the vacation I was dreading (Alaska in my case) actually turned out to be one of my favorite.  

[bettyandbob]

dresses: go to Goodwill (or other thrift store). Dd purchased a full length gown for prom for less than $20 a couple of weeks ago.

 

figure out a time daily on the cruise you can get out of the room alone and walk alone. This might be early morning before everyone is fully awake and before things are hopping on the ship. Walk outside. Take several laps. It can be good replenishing time for an introvert.

[bibiche]

Sea bands and ativan for you, earbuds for the audiobook listener, a flask for your husband. ;)

 

For the "formal" clothes, have a look around for inexpensive knit maxi dresses. They are very comfortable for jeans and t shirt kind of girls and can be dressed up or down.

 

Think of one thing that you might like and concentrate on that instead of concentrating on what you are missing.  It'll be over before you know it (heck, that can be what you concentrate on!).

[marbel]

:grouphug: :grouphug:   Often when I'm dreading something, it turns out much better than I anticipated.  Hope it is the same for you.

[Ethel Mertz]

You could just say you aren't going to do the formal night. I think most cruise ships have an informal dining room (e.g., Holland America has the Lido and you can always order room service). Check into the issue about the pull out bed and make sure it is at least a double bed. Depending on where you are going, you can figure out some shore excursions on your own. Since it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to back out of this trip, maybe you can think about what you need to do to make it a good experience for you. Claim some alone time. Ships are huge and you can usually find a spot to be an introvert! Hope some of this helps.

 

The other thing you could do is post a thread here about where/when you are going and you might find you have some WTM traveling companions. 

[LibraryLover]

Since you have to go, tackle the biggest easiest issue first. Get your kid a cheap dress at a Savers, Value Village etc. I'm amazed at what can sometimes be found. Check that off. 

 

(If nothing like that near you, an inexpensive dress from Walmart or Target is fine. I'm seeing lots of knit maxi dresses on folks with what I can only call flip flops, and people call it 'dressed up'.)  It's really not going to be 'formal'. Maybe little silver sandals from Payless.  Maybe you can find a BOGO sale. I know money is an issue, but you have to go, so try to get this done on the cheap. Not doing it is causing you stress.

 

For the audiobook, headphones or ear buds. Cruises keep kids busy. The pools and air will tire them out. It might be much easier for them to fall asleep.

 

Drinks- decide on how many, and perhaps others might treat once or twice. Sometimes you're allowed one bottle of wine to be taken on, and some have one complimentary bottle. There is also the free champagne at the docks, right? At any rate, you're going and he wants a couple of drinks. Are you afraid he will go crazy? Because that's another issue.

 

So much food on the ship. Eat what you are used to eating.

 

Excursions can be nice, but it might also be nice having the ship and pools etc to yourself. You can also leave the ship just to take a walk.

 

 

I'm not trying to push drugs, but can you talk to your doctor about this? Maybe a couple/5 tablets of valium or Xanax to take as needed?  Like the tiny amount your dentist gives the morning of a root canal or teeth removal? Just to take the edge off.  OK- this may be bad advice, but I'm stressed just reading your post.

 

Anticipation is the worst, so it will get better.  People will be off in various directions, doing all sorts of activities. It won't be like being stuck in one tiny cabin in a storm for a week.

 

Take lots of walks. Try to enjoy the deck air.

[WTMCassandra]

Introvert tips: Find the library. It's usually quiet. Also, in the morning, early afternoon, try bars for a little solitude. There's usually a gazillion bars and they are either closed or very quiet at that time of day (if they have the TV off, sigh). Look for classes that are smaller and quieter--one of our favorites was towel-folding into animal shapes. Don't plan to spend much time in the room--it's just a sleeping space, not a haven. Find quiet nooks and crannies in the ship for that.

 

For your husband, agree on # of drinks per day, so you can anticipate what the cost will be. And usually when you dock somewhere, there is at least shopping within walking distance of the ship. Looking around and people-watching can take the place of excursions.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  I will say that some trips I haven't looked forward to at all turned out to be absolutely wonderful.  I haven't been on a cruise, but I'd think that it's big enough with enough going on that once you're on it, you can go off and do your own thing if you want to.  Find a good book and sit out on the deck and enjoy not having to do anything else.  If your husband wants a drink, just set a limit ahead of time (two/day, or whatever).  When our family had to dress up once for a very formal occasion, we all went to the thrift shops to get our outfits.  I think the trip can be a lesson (not that you really want one!  :)) in trying to enjoy something that's outside of your box but that could be fun.  Also, I'd be careful of the message you send to your children.  I do understand though.  I know the money part can be so, so stressful.  But as long as you're in it, you might as well enjoy it.  Maybe if you right now sit down and figure out how you'll pay it back over time -- a certain amount each month, for example, you'll feel better about the trip in general.

 

Also, about the excursions, can't you still go out on the stops and just explore on your own?  Those excursions are pricey! (We've traveled to countries that have them, not via cruise ships.)  I think just exploring on your own with your family could be just as fun, if not more so!  Or maybe you could allow yourselves just one excursion during the entire trip. 

 

I recently went to Las Vegas for a wedding and was not looking forward to it at all.  It felt like the last thing I'd want to do.  We ended up having so much fun just exploring the town and walking through the various themed hotels, stopping for coffee and ice cream now and then, laying out by the hotel pool.  I would never have imagined that I'd enjoy it but it turned out to be a hoot.  Hopefully you'll find the same thing to be true on your cruise.

 

[SKL]

You do not have to go to formal night.  Just say no.  You will not be the only one!  You couldn't pay me to get all dolled up on my vacation.

 

We hated the formal-ish included dinners too, but then we found the buffet restaurant - which includes a good variety of unlimited food and non-alcoholic drinks at very flexible hours.  And coffee and ice cream pretty much 24/7.  Very low stress.

 

I didn't think I'd like cruising either, until I did it.

 

It took until halfway through my second cruise to realize the kids' club is included, well-designed, and the kids love it.  You could go to the exercise room while they play with other kids.  In addition my kids were able to swim almost any time they wanted.  And there are movies every night on deck.  A lot of fun stuff outside the room is included, so you don't have to worry about being cramped up and bored all day.  Bring some books and maybe a writing journal for each kid.

 

As for excursions, you don't have to do the fancy stuff.  You could just get off the boat and walk around, or hop on a bus for a nominal cost.

 

I think you may be pleasantly surprised with your cruise.  At least, I hope so.  Best wishes.

[happi duck]

(Hugs) and more (hugs)

 

I understand how terrible panic feels.

 

Post "jawm vents" whenever you need to!

 

Regarding beds...what size is the real bed? Is it big enough for you and the girls to share and your dh gets the couch?

 

(Hugs)

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you all. Your kindness is making me  :crying: I'm just so stressed about the whole dang thing!

 

We do have to do the formal night. There's an event connected to it, and the formal night is the night for all of us to get together to celebrate that event. I may have something to wear, it's just not formal. I wore it to a bat mitzvah. Is that dressy enough, do you think?

 

And yes, I'm going to see my doctor soon for my overall anxiety level, which is high these days in general (I feel like one big raw nerve, and this trip is one of the reasons!), but especially for something for panic on the ship. 

 

Rationally, I know it will be better than I'm fearing. But my mind is envisioning all of this stuff going wrong, DH being mad at me for being antisocial, the kids being annoyed/annoying, oldest DD and myself being bored, my being anxious and panicky the whole time... Ugh. I KNOW it will be OK. I just need to remember that I know it! And I'm so sad to not be in the OBX this week :( I think, given other circumstances (there's an extended family divorce in the works), that trip won't be happening anymore after this year. 

 

Thank you again, everyone. You've also reminded me that I need to ask the cruise experts here a few practical questions!

[momto10blessings]

Do yourself a favor and go to the doctor for anxiety meds. It'll make the trip much more doable. A cruise is pretty much my nightmare vacation so I feel for you.

[catz]

I would forgo formal night.  That is no big deal.  Or I'd put on the best in my closet and call it good.  Not everyone is Academy Award ready at those events - there's a range. 

 

Have an open mind.  We plan vacations and I ALWAYS get crabby before them.  It's so much prep and work to get ready.  The destination isn't always of my choosing (we have out of town relatives that require extended trips to visit).  But 99% of the time we get on vacation and can step away from our daily grind, we have a great time.  Sometimes it takes a day or 2 to get into a vacation mindset.  Just make sure you carve out time for yourself.  You don't need to be with the extended family the entire trip. 

 

This really is a first world problem and good on you for admitting it.  I'm sure it will be fine. 

 

I lost my father in April very suddenly.  These memories your kids can create with extended family while they're around are SO precious.  We traveled to my parents last December.  Spent a fortune to a locale we have visited many times and was feeling ho hum about.  Plus I hate traveling over the holidays with a burning passion.  I cannot tell you how much I value that trip now.  Not just for the time with my parents, but for the things I did with DH and my kids too. 

 

ETA - I agree you should talk to your doctor about your anxiety level.  It doesn't come off as normal anxiety and I'm saying this as someone who was treated for depression and anxiety for a while. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

(Hugs) and more (hugs)

 

I understand how terrible panic feels.

 

Post "jawm vents" whenever you need to!

 

Regarding beds...what size is the real bed? Is it big enough for you and the girls to share and your dh gets the couch?

 

(Hugs)

 

Thanks  :closedeyes: It stinks, and suddenly, now that the trip is closer, every piece of news DH brings me about it is negative in some way--more money to spend, the room not what we expected, etc. It's not helping my anxiety! I want to be excited!

 

It's funny, I was just saying to my youngest that even if the travel agent is wrong about the bed situation (she claims the room has "bunk beds"--I'm hoping she means the pull-down bed), we could do just what you said. It would still be tight, but at least I could insulate the youngest from the elbow-thrower and the elbow-thrower from youngest's headphone noise. Still more stress for me though! 

 

I'm afraid to be optimistic about the room. Initially the TA said we were in a different room number. Now the TA says no, it's a different room that has "bunk beds," the cruise line site says that room has a "Pullman bed," and at least two other cruise-expert-type sites say that room has a double pullout sofa (which was what we specifically did not want). I feel like it's one of those things that's ripe for a "oops, sorry, we messed that up, but it's too late now so you'll have to make the best of it!" scenario.

[Catwoman]

Call the cruise line directly and ask about the room. If it's not what you want, they might still be able to switch it for you.

 

I'm so sorry you are so stressed. :grouphug:

 

Wear the Bar Mitzvah outfit. They're not going to kick you out of the dining room if you're not formal enough. ;) And definitely check out thrift shops and Goodwill for your dds' dresses.

 

I feel so sad for you. Other people are all excited and you are dreading the whole thing. :( One thing to remember is that cruise ships are huge and you don't have to be cooped up in a small space except for sleeping.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd check second hand stores before spending a lot on formal dress.  Also, a simple black dress can be inexpensive but made to look formal with accessories.  Try to think of it this way.  This sounds like the ONLY extrovert vacation your DH is likely to get.  It seems like your day-to-day lives and all your other vacations are set up to be introvert havens.  Try not to have a level of anxiety and exasperation that would annoy YOU if he exhibited it on every other vacation.  My husband can be a bit of a hermit.  I don't expect him to do a lot of social things with me that involve interacting with a crowd.  However, once or twice a year he does do something like this and it means the world to me to socialize WITH my husband.  I don't expect it often, but I DO appreciate when he joins me in my element and is really present.  He turns on the charm, fully participates in the event, then I let him recover for months before I ask him to be THAT social again.

[Garga]

Tell the family when you're feeling an introverted moment. My dh is introverted and when we go to things like New Year's Eve parties (that tend to last for 6-8 hours...no joke), he will find a place in the house to hide away for a while. He lets people know, "My introverted side needs a little break." They look a little bemused and shrug, but get over it quickly. When he is with everyone, he's pleasant and polite.

 

If you don't tell people why you're hiding away for a while, they may take it personally. As long as they know, "it's not you, it's me," that can help.

[bibiche]

Maybe binge watch some good old Love Boat to forget your anxiety and get excited about it kitsch style. :)

 

I'm also an introvert (DH jokes more of a misanthrope) and recently had to go to a big in-law event that I was dreading. Once I solved the wardrobe issue (that had really added to the anxiety level!) I felt better. And when I got to the event I just assumed a different personality (does that sound weird?) and ended up having a grand time. So who do you want to be? How would that person act? Think of it as theatre and put on a performance. It can really make things better.

[bolt.]

If "Pullman" means "like they have on trains" it's probably that one bunk pulls down from the ceiling, above the other bed -- that is formed from something else in the daytime. (Possibly from a sofa, or from benches that face each other, or similar things.) On trains, that makes a double-above-double set of "bunk beds" -- which would account for the confusion.

 

It also means that you should probably anticipating sleeping as two parent-child pairings, rather than parents together and kids together. Put the kicker/elbower with you. Men have a greater vulnerability...

 

Or, let them fall asleep separately then lift them together for the rest of the night, when you two want to go to bed.

[Hikin' Mama]

Hugs. Might be first world stress, but it is still stressful. I agree with others who said to get some medication. I know two people who do this. It allows you to function while eliminating the anxiety. I wish I knew what they take, but it is something that they don't take all the time just when the situation warrants, such as when they are in an airplane.

 

I hope this turns out to be better than you are expecting.

[LibraryLover]

What ship and line? It's easy enough to Google Image the rooms. Or go straight to their webpage. You can also check any formal clothing guidelines. I'd also share with your dds the various activities available onboard.

[lailasmum]

For the audiobook listener ( I am the same when falling asleep) There are pillows with built in speakers or inserts you can slip into pillows with a speaker in that you can only hear when your ear is on them, they're not horrendously expensive. There are also headphones called SleepPhones that you can sleep in. They're like a head band with completely flat speakers and way more comfortable than ear buds. The wired ones aren't too pricey and there seems to be other brands with totally flat speakers around now that are a bit cheaper. I tend to tuck whatever I'm playing the audiobook on under my pillow and the cable has never bothered me. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Try to think of it this way.  This sounds like the ONLY extrovert vacation your DH is likely to get.  It seems like your day-to-day lives and all your other vacations are set up to be introvert havens.  Try not to have a level of anxiety and exasperation that would annoy YOU if he exhibited it on every other vacation.  My husband can be a bit of a hermit.  I don't expect him to do a lot of social things with me that involve interacting with a crowd.  However, once or twice a year he does do something like this and it means the world to me to socialize WITH my husband.  I don't expect it often, but I DO appreciate when he joins me in my element and is really present.  He turns on the charm, fully participates in the event, then I let him recover for months before I ask him to be THAT social again.

 

Thanks, that's a good perspective. I do want my DH to have fun, and he does do lots of extrovert things without me. I think part of my stress is that I already feel utterly burned out socially providing for our day-to-day requirements (kids' social engagements; never being alone, even at home, because we homeschool; co-op participation; adult friends' invitations; frequent family responsibilities on both sides, etc.), so taking a multi-thousand-dollar "relaxing cruise vacation!" where I then have to put on my even-more-social personality is not looking like such a good deal. Which of course is neither here nor there for my poor, undersocialized DH (not being sarcastic here, he really is). But it's a huge part of my anxiety over this whole thing. I do want to be able to just suck it up and say, "I'll do this for him!" But I'm already so burned out on sucking it up for everyone else that I'm now having panic attacks. It's a bad combination. 

 

If "Pullman" means "like they have on trains" it's probably that one bunk pulls down from the ceiling, above the other bed -- that is formed from something else in the daytime. (Possibly from a sofa, or from benches that face each other, or similar things.) On trains, that makes a double-above-double set of "bunk beds" -- which would account for the confusion.

 

It also means that you should probably anticipating sleeping as two parent-child pairings, rather than parents together and kids together. Put the kicker/elbower with you. Men have a greater vulnerability...

 

Or, let them fall asleep separately then lift them together for the rest of the night, when you two want to go to bed.

 

Thankfully, at a minimum, the room has a queen bed (for sure!) and a foldout mini-couch. The question is whether the foldout sleeps one person (won't work), two people (highly undesirable), or whether there's a queen bed, a foldout, AND a pullman/drop-down bed (which is what we thought we were booking, and now there's suddenly uncertainty).

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm sorry.  That does sound really, really hard.

I count myself fortunate that I have always been able to assert myself somewhat in those kinds of situations, even though I had to suck it up and deal with most of it.

But it sounds like all the ways I would do that in this situation are blocked off.  Very, very difficult.  And of course it's supposed to be a big fat treat, which makes it all the more galling.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

What ship and line? It's easy enough to Google Image the rooms. Or go straight to their webpage. You can also check any formal clothing guidelines. I'd also share with your dds the various activities available onboard.

 

I tried that, and I keep getting different information. The type of room is a mid-ship balcony room, and according to their web pages, those rooms can be set up in slightly different configurations to accommodate 3 or 4 people. My concern is that I feel like I can't trust any of the information I'm getting, because it keeps changing ever so slightly. We supposedly have a room number, and based on that, the cruise line site says queen bed, foldout, pullman. If that's all accurate, great! But we thought had a room number before too, and that room was only queen bed, single person foldout. So now I'm worried that the information is either incorrect or more fluid than we would think.

 

I just have a bad feeling about it. Like I mentioned above, DH keeps coming to me with bits of information, and in each case, the info I previously thought I had and was reliable turns out to be incorrect, and the new information is worse, not better.

 

"We're going on the best ship on the line. Look at all this awesome stuff! Oh, no, wait, it's just a regular ship, no awesome stuff."

 

"No dressing up, we're going totally casual. Oh, no, wait, we do have to bring dressy clothes and accessories for at least one mandatory formal dinner."

 

"I can just get a drinks plan for myself. Oh, no, wait, if I want a drinks plan we all have to pay for one."

 

"We're in room number xxyyzz, which is a quad. Oh, no, wait, according the deck plan, that room is only a triple." If we hadn't been watching Youtube videos last night, we would never have even realized that the room might not have the pulldown bed the description said it had. If DH hadn't talked to the TA today, who knows what room we might have been in? Were we given the wrong room number at first, or were we in a different room and then switched when DH called?

 

It's too much. This whole thing is giving me a headache *sigh* I need to stop talking (b!tching) about it. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you again, everyone. It has helped me SO MUCH to get all of this off my chest. Finding out about the possible room snafu last night just amped my stress level about the whole thing up over the "bearable" line!

 

I could never and would never say this stuff to DH or the kids. It has really eased my mind to lay all of it out here. Thank you for listening, commiserating, and advising. I do feel like my perspective has improved, though it may not sound like it :lol: And DH and youngest DD are really, REALLY looking forward to all of the fun on-board. Oldest DD will like it more than she thinks, and I'm sure I will too, once the wrinkles start to iron themselves out.

[Happy]

Thank you all. Your kindness is making me  :crying: I'm just so stressed about the whole dang thing!

 

We do have to do the formal night. There's an event connected to it, and the formal night is the night for all of us to get together to celebrate that event. I may have something to wear, it's just not formal. I wore it to a bat mitzvah. Is that dressy enough, do you think?

 

And yes, I'm going to see my doctor soon for my overall anxiety level, which is high these days in general (I feel like one big raw nerve, and this trip is one of the reasons!), but especially for something for panic on the ship. 

 

Rationally, I know it will be better than I'm fearing. But my mind is envisioning all of this stuff going wrong, DH being mad at me for being antisocial, the kids being annoyed/annoying, oldest DD and myself being bored, my being anxious and panicky the whole time... Ugh. I KNOW it will be OK. I just need to remember that I know it! And I'm so sad to not be in the OBX this week :( I think, given other circumstances (there's an extended family divorce in the works), that trip won't be happening anymore after this year. 

 

Thank you again, everyone. You've also reminded me that I need to ask the cruise experts here a few practical questions!

I get wound up over stuff and start projecting all the bad things that could go wrong. Recently I saw a quote on pinterest that I've put on the top of my laptop--

 

Start imagining all the things that could go right!

 

It's helping me retrain myself to not fall into that rut of worry and hopelessness. Maybe it could help you--along with anxiety meds.

[Jaz]

Good for you for making the best of it. Perhaps some pro-active planning will help lessen your stress. Could you look for good books to read or shows to watch by yourself in the afternoons, things on the ship that interest you (perhaps a class), a port to just walk around and explore?
 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I get wound up over stuff and start projecting all the bad things that could go wrong. Recently I saw a quote on pinterest that I've put on the top of my laptop--

 

Start imagining all the things that could go right!

 

It's helping me retrain myself to not fall into that rut of worry and hopelessness. Maybe it could help you--along with anxiety meds.

 

Thank you. You're right, and it's a good thing to think about.

 

Good for you for making the best of it. Perhaps some pro-active planning will help lessen your stress. Could you look for good books to read or shows to watch by yourself in the afternoons, things on the ship that interest you (perhaps a class), a port to just walk around and explore?

 

 

I was just thinking that maybe I'll make a list of the things that are making me crazy and try to hammer them out or change my view on them one by one. We won't have Internet, but I'll have my Kindle with me, and I'm hoping to get some serious reading done--something I never have time for at home. 

[LibraryLover]

Thank you. You're right, and it's a good thing to think about.

 

 

I was just thinking that maybe I'll make a list of the things that are making me crazy and try to hammer them out or change my view on them one by one. We won't have Internet, but I'll have my Kindle with me, and I'm hoping to get some serious reading done--something I never have time for at home. 

 

I think it's great you're talking about it. I understand anxiety. I am not an alarmist, or one who brushes off feelings, but I hope you have an appointment with your Dr very soon. This degree of anxiety seems pretty debilitating. I'm not a doctor, but my stress is climbing with every post I read. I really feel for you. I don't think you are experiencing your basic travel anxiety.  You deserve to feel like you're not climbing out of your own skin.

[Tap]

I had a dreaded trip last year.  It was to Hawaii with my husband and while it wasn't the vacation I would have wanted, it worked it self out.  He wanted a 'reconnect trip' and I just wanted to be far away from him.  LOL  I too would have rather had an entirely different vacation, but he planned it as a surprise and pre-paid for everything, including some events, so we were stuck with what he booked. I did the best I could and just mentally tried to let go of the rest.

 

Every day, I tried to find one little sweet spot to focus on and to let my mind dwell on those perfect moments, no matter how small they were.  I tried very hard to let go of everything else and to just focus on those moments.  One day, it was that we had amazing calamari and Mai Tais at a bar for happy hour. The next day was a bit of a bugger, so instead of dwelling on the day, I had dh drive me back to that same bar and we had calamari and Mai Tais again. LOL  I made sure that every day had at least a single perfect moment. 

 

One moment was walking on the beach by myself on one of the first days we were there. It was close to sunset (dh was swimming in the surf) and I listening to music(of course LOL).  The Bastille song Pompeii came on.  It has a line that keeps repeating throughout that says "How am I going to be an optimist about this",  I kinda laughed at the lyric but decided to make it my mantra for the trip.  The rest of the lyrics could be twisted a bit for a personal meaning to me and so that song remains a sort of anthem for me now about getting through some days, even now.  

 

Another song that has always been my calm-down song is Breath by Alexi Murdoch. I listened to his albums several times a day when my anxiety was getting the best of me. 

 

I downloaded lots of favorite music on my phone and carried headphones in my pocket the entire trip. I downloaded a mystery novel and got lost in that during the flight.   I  zoned out to music whenever I could to feed my introverted self.  I blew through an extra gig of data on my phone listening to music on Pandora as well that week.  LOL

 

 

Pompeii lyrics  

 (I like the sound of the song but video is weird and not something I would watch more that once. It is about a vacant city and people with completely black eyes. It is a homage to the destruction of Pompeii)

 

 

 

 

 

I am with the others and say, just find a dress you are comfortable in and go with that. You will see all sorts of things for dresses on the cruise.  If you have a friend with a daughter the same size as your dd, you may also ask if they have something you can borrow. 

 

If you just dreading the shopping part, what I do sometimes is just order a stack of items from a store that does easy returns like Nordstom Rack.  Not supper cheap, but good quality and they are great about returns. I order a bunch and sometimes even the same item in multiple sizes.  That way I can do a bunch of shopping in about one hour, try on at home with my own shoes and accessories and then return the rest with almost no effort.  They have shoes too, so if you need those to go with dresses, it is a single site to order from. 

 

Good luck on your trip!  I hope it ends up being better that you expect and you can find some time to chill out ahead of time.  :grouphug:

 

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I've been on several cruises, and not once have I dressed formal for formal night. I didn't even wear a dress, just nice pants and a nice shirt. It's ok. Hope  you get some relief from the panic soon.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I think it's great you're talking about it. I understand anxiety. I am not an alarmist, or one who brushes off feelings, but I hope you have an appointment with your Dr very soon. This degree of anxiety seems pretty debilitating. I'm not a doctor, but my stress is climbing with every post I read. I really feel for you. I don't think you are experiencing your basic travel anxiety.  You deserve to feel like you're not climbing out of your own skin.

 

Yeah, it's definitely not your average travel anxiety! I think a big chunk of it too is that there are a lot of expectations in play here, partly because of the reason for the group trip, and partly because I know my DH has expectations about how he wants this trip to go and what he personally wants from it. And I just don't know if the kids and I can live up to all the things he's hoping for. I don't know. It's hard to really explain without giving out too much private and personal info. There's a lot of backstory here that almost makes it feel like I can't step out of line or let my issues (stomach, introversion, desire to also enjoy this vacation personally) ruin it for him. So I'm making myself crazy over worrying that I can't make everything right. Especially given how much it's costing!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I've been on several cruises, and not once have I dressed formal for formal night. I didn't even wear a dress, just nice pants and a nice shirt. It's ok. Hope  you get some relief from the panic soon.

 

Thank you, that is really, really helpful.

[SKL]

They would not have booked your family in a room that didn't have enough bed space.  I tried that once (my two daughters together are smaller than one adult) but it wouldn't fly - they made us take a bigger room.

 

But I agree with calling to ask exactly what the setup is.

[school17777]

Your bar mitzah outfil and your dd's winter dress will be fine. It is chilly in the dining room anyway, so she will probably be happy to wear her winter dress.

[shawthorne44]

I agree about using the existing outfits.  

 

Your husband is extroverted and he will have family on the trip.   Do you guys have to be joined at the hip on the boat?  Couldn't he socialize with his extended family while you decompress in the library?   I am practically sun-phobic myself, but isn't sunbathing a traditional cruise activity?   That seems pretty solitary to me.  

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Your husband is extroverted and he will have family on the trip.   Do you guys have to be joined at the hip on the boat?  Couldn't he socialize with his extended family while you decompress in the library?   I am practically sun-phobic myself, but isn't sunbathing a traditional cruise activity?   That seems pretty solitary to me.  

 

Sunbathing at the pool is exactly the thing I knows he expects us to be doing together, and with the extended family who will, I'm certain, be parked with and around us daily. And with that comes the begging for me to get in the pool with them, to "look at this!", to "just try the slide," etc. And when I say no, I will get the pouty faces. And a lot of the stuff he'll be doing with the extended family will be with the adults, so I'll often be expected to have the kids with me. He asked me the other night, "So you'll be OK if I just roam the ship with the others?" And I know to him, that means he's leaving me alone to be my introverted self. But in reality, what it means is, "I'm going off to do this thing, and I'm not asking you to come with me, but I also want to have fun, so I'm not taking the kids." He doesn't even realize that he does it, but that's how it usually works out. The alternative is me being vigilant in pointing out that alone time is not alone time when there are three of us, but then that makes things tense between us, and since I know he feels like my introversion is already kind of a burden on the family (which I don't necessarily disagree with), I don't push it. 

 

Getting time to myself here is just going to take negotiation, and sometimes bringing it to light via the act of negotiation just makes things more tense. And I don't want that to happen on this trip, which is why I think I'm dreading the social aspect so much. Advocating for myself is going to bring all that stuff up, so I know I won't as much as I should, and then I'm not going to be able to meet my own needs, and I'll be stressed. Does that make any sense? 

 

Huh. There's a lot going on under there that I didn't even realize before I typed it all out! 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Your bar mitzah outfil and your dd's winter dress will be fine. It is chilly in the dining room anyway, so she will probably be happy to wear her winter dress.

 

That's interesting, I'll think about that. This DD is always overheated (and she tends to barf when she can't cool off), so I don't know if the dress will work as is, but it just occurred to me that maybe I can turn the long velvet sleeves into short velvet sleeves, or maybe even make it sleeveless! That should enable her to cool off enough, even though the velvet is very thick and the skirt heavy and floor length. I'm going to have to give that a little more consideration, thanks!

[regentrude]

So what would happen if you simply said you are not going? Your DH can take the kids.

Tongues would wag and family members may gripe - but they can't MAKE you go; you're an adult. Sounds like you hate the idea so much, their disapproval can't possibly be worse than the trip.

[MommaOfalotta]

I'm sorry :grouphug:

 

If it helps, I was really dreading a vacation last month and had really bad anxiety about it. It ended up going by pretty quickly and then I was sad that it was over! lol.

 

I wouldn't vent totally to your husband, but DO let him know how you're feeling, and that you're anxious, and that you might need to pop back to your room alone if things get to be too much. (I'm an introvert too, and while dh is the opposite he, for the most part, is understanding when I need AWAY FROM PEOPLE.)

 

What makes a situation like this worse, is feeling like you're alone. Having dh hear you out a smidge might help some of your anxiety... and might even bring you guys closer over the trip :)

[QueenCat]

And a lot of the stuff he'll be doing with the extended family will be with the adults, so I'll often be expected to have the kids with me. He asked me the other night, "So you'll be OK if I just roam the ship with the others?" And I know to him, that means he's leaving me alone to be my introverted self. But in reality, what it means is, "I'm going off to do this thing, and I'm not asking you to come with me, but I also want to have fun, so I'm not taking the kids." He doesn't even realize that he does it, but that's how it usually works out. The alternative is me being vigilant in pointing out that alone time is not alone time when there are three of us, but then that makes things tense between us, and since I know he feels like my introversion is already kind of a burden on the family (which I don't necessarily disagree with), I don't push it. 

 

Getting time to myself here is just going to take negotiation, and sometimes bringing it to light via the act of negotiation just makes things more tense. And I don't want that to happen on this trip, which is why I think I'm dreading the social aspect so much. Advocating for myself is going to bring all that stuff up, so I know I won't as much as I should, and then I'm not going to be able to meet my own needs, and I'll be stressed. Does that make any sense? 

 

All of the above is where you have to negotiate "now" so it's not in front of others. For example, "I will be happy to have the kids while you go to "x" if you take the kids for at least "x hours" during waking hours so I can have "my time". And expect him to honor it and not "discuss" it with his extended family. That would be more than reasonable.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

So what would happen if you simply said you are not going? Your DH can take the kids.

Tongues would wag and family members may gripe - but they can't MAKE you go; you're an adult. Sounds like you hate the idea so much, their disapproval can't possibly be worse than the trip.

 

Not go on the cruise? There's no way. This cruise has been in the works for at least three years. 

 

[deleted for privacy]

Edited June 13, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Jyhwkmama]

Find a deck chair in the shade, listen to your ipod, and read a book. Your DD can do this too and your DH can hang with your 3 social kids.

[Ethel Mertz]

I'm sorry this is all so loaded... No wonder you're anxious.

 

Don't forget that most cruise lines have a kids/teens club where the kids can go hang out - for hours upon hours. If you're a list-making type, try to take a look at what the schedules will be and see if you can negotiate times with DH when he has the kids and you can go off alone.

[Jyhwkmama]

and stop putting so much darn pressure on yourself! You can't control the experience and feelings of others. Participate in a quiet way that makes you comfortable and smile a lot. Consider your quiet presence enough. Accept what you cannot control and let it go.

[AK_Mom4]

Early mornings are probably your ticket to solitude. I would negotiate watching kids while DH socialized as a trade off for him handling kids in the morning thru their first meal. Get up early and wander out in deck and around the ship when it's just you and a handful of older folks who don't sleep well. My experience has been that it's peaceful and quiet at that time and a great way to recharge for the coming day.

 

I will also mention that a very low dose of Ativan is my secret weapon for high stress social functions. You can still function but it takes the edge off.

 

Btw - LOVE the idea of taking the sleeves off the velvet dress! Great thinking there!