Grandparent frustration, am I being petty?

[Meadowlark]

My parents are kind of hands off grandparents, even though we live 1/2 mile from them. It's been a source of contention for awhile now, and today I'm frustrated.

 

My 5 year old called them a few days ago and asked if they could have a sleepover. My parents do babysit for us whenever asked and they're wonderful that way. But, if I didn't ask them to babysit, they could go weeks without seeing the kids. These are their only grandkids in town and they are both retired and very active with friends, etc. They are literally always coming and going. When they do pop in, it's always for a reason and never stay more than 10 minutes. The kids beg them to play with them and they always have an excuse. The excuse is usually "grandma has to go vacuum", or "I have to go to the store", etc. It was the same way when I was a kid, they're really just not kid people.

 

So, I was happy when my mom called my son and invited my boys for a sleepover. Well, they just got back and they told me they watched 2 movies while they were there, and a bunch of cartoons this morning, All in 24 hours. If I had to guess, my dad watched sports all night and my mom just plopped them in front of the TV. I am sensitive about media, we only allow one show per day at our house and the occasional movie. And it's not that they watched anything inappropriate, but it's what they missed out on. I mean, they could've played games, done a woodworking project, anything except watch movies. How about making some memories?

 

My husbands parents on the other hand, live farther away and also have them once in a while for a sleepover. They come home telling me about all of the great stuff they did...crafts games, cool places they went gardening, sewing. I was raised with the TV constantly on and my parents always, always have the TV on.

 

I'm to the point where I don't even want them sleeping over there anymore if they're just going to plop them in front of the TV. But, I also don't want to start WW3. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I asking too much of them? What should. I do, if anything? In their eyes, they truly think they're doing everything right. Their heart is in the right place.

 

ETA: I think it bothers me too because I have a busy house with lots of littles. We just can't get out Candyland whenever the mood strikes, or bake cookies...it's just a hard phase of life. So, when the older ones get away to grandmas, I feel like YAY the kids can play a game in peace and get some special attention. But then they watch movies (something we can do at home) and it makes me sad.

[PeacefulChaos]

I would just let it be.

It's still fun for the kids. They got to watch tv more than they ever do at home. It was still a whole different experience.

And seriously, I wouldn't expect things like a night full of playing games, doing crafts, or woodworking from people who just don't do that stuff. They aren't going to change just for one night with the kids.

I get that you are frustrated, and that's fine - but I do think you need to lower your expectations.

 

I hope that doesn't come off sounding too harsh. I don't mean it to.

 

Fwiw, my ILs are the type to watch a lot of tv also. It's just their way of life - if they are home, the tv is almost definitely on. Dh says it was at way when he was a kid, too - it's just what they do. It sounds like your parents are the same way. Sometimes if my kids are over at my ILs for the day, they will go outside, go in the woods, whatever... And sometimes, they will sit in front of the tv and watch stuff all day. Never know which it will be. And I'm ok with that, because either way they are doing something different, something that they only get to do at granny's house.

[Joker]

I would let it go and it wouldn't bother me.

[trinchick]

Well, there's a difference between plopping them in front of the TV and sitting down to watch with them. Did they watch together?

 

Growing up, we didn't watch much TV, so I was surprised when my DH told me that some of his fondest childhood memories involved watching TV with his dad. They'd make popcorn and watch the Muppets. They'd have pancakes and take in Saturday morning cartoons. They watched football together.

 

I think that part of the grandparent/grandchild relationship is that they get to know each other and developing shared interests - even if the interests aren't ones you care for (as long as they're not harmful). In this instance, I think I'd let them develop their own groove instead of trying to manage the relationship based on some kind of ideal that your parents can't live up to. 

 

If your parents knew you expected them to build a birdhouse or do anything out of their comfort zone as part of a visit, then they probably wouldn't invite your kids again. And then your kids would miss out on any kind of relationship with your folks.

 

 

[NorthwestMom]

My parents are kind of hands off grandparents, even though we live 1/2 mile from them. It's been a source of contention for awhile now, and today I'm frustrated.

 

My 5 year old called them a few days ago and asked if they could have a sleepover. My parents do babysit for us whenever asked and they're wonderful that way. But, if I didn't ask them to babysit, they could go weeks without seeing the kids. These are their only grandkids in town and they are both retired and very active with friends, etc. They are literally always coming and going. When they do pop in, it's always for a reason and never stay more than 10 minutes. The kids beg them to play with them and they always have an excuse. The excuse is usually "grandma has to go vacuum", or "I have to go to the store", etc. It was the same way when I was a kid, they're really just not kid people.

 

So, I was happy when my mom called my son and invited my boys for a sleepover. Well, they just got back and they told me they watched 2 movies while they were there, and a bunch of cartoons this morning, All in 24 hours. If I had to guess, my dad watched sports all night and my mom just plopped them in front of the TV. I am sensitive about media, we only allow one show per day at our house and the occasional movie. And it's not that they watched anything inappropriate, but it's what they missed out on. I mean, they could've played games, done a woodworking project, anything except watch movies. How about making some memories?

 

My husbands parents on the other hand, live farther away and also have them once in a while for a sleepover. They come home telling me about all of the great stuff they did...crafts games, cool places they went gardening, sewing. I was raised with the TV constantly on and my parents always, always have the TV on. They really make no attempt to do anything creative with my kids or make any kind of memories.

 

I'm to the point where I don't even want them sleeping over there anymore if they're just going to plop them in front of the TV. But, I also don't want to start WW3. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I asking too much of them? What should. I do, if anything? In their eyes, they truly think they're doing everything right. Their heart is in the right place.

 

ETA: I do gently suggest things for them to do with them. To be fair, I did tell my mom that my son enjoys cooking with her. So she had him bring a cookbook and they made cookies. I think it's the TV/movie thing that is really getting to me.

 

While I would feel exactly like you do, you have to recognize that this is who they are and who they have always been.  Why would they change now? Try to accept that this is what the relationship is going to be.  Let the kids go there and watch TV all day long. It will be special and unusual to them since you limit it at home. I do not think it's worth WW3 over.

[Julie Smith]

My husband's parents would have been like that. But my MIL died when Eldest was less then one. My FIL is very hands off, or would be if he was ever with them. Recently he started remembering names instead of referring to them all (4 male grandkids similiar in age) as boy. 

[LuvToRead]

I totally get where you are coming from   I have just had to let it go.  I either send my kids over to my parents, knowing they will sit inside watching movies, or I don't send them.  I can't change my mom.  There are far worse things than my girls watching hours of movies  at my parents, so I have just accepted that is the way it is. (My parents don't have any TV service, only a DVD player, so I do know the movies they watch are approved by me.)

[zoobie]

Let it go. Unfortunately, as you said, they won't change. My DD doesn't ask to go to grandma's anymore because she doesn't want to be "stuck watching Goodwill VCR tapes" (her words). They love going to my dad's and will call him just to chat. Grandma doesn't let them get a word in edgewise, so they don't call her. It's the grandparents' loss. I'm sorry. It is very frustrating to watch.

[Arcadia]

 I mean, they could've played games, done a woodworking project, anything except watch movies. How about making some memories?

 

I don't think you are being petty.  However given your experience with your parents growing up, I would say your expectations may be a bit off realistically. 

Some of my best memories were spending Sunday afternoons watching British football (Man U, Liverpool, Everton, Arsenal) with my cousins and enjoying the spread of food my aunt who loves to cook generously prepare for all of us. When my kids were at my in-laws home, they were watching my FIL play PS2.  Still great memories.  Some of my great memories were me being a spectator and watching family and friends having fun.  It doesn't have to be active participation to create memories..

[SKL]

I'd let it go as well.  It's exactly what happens when my kids have sleepovers at the grandparents' house (at home we don't watch TV, and until recently there was no screen time at all most days).  Plus, the grandparents give them sugary stuff I never give them.  It isn't my style, but it's a bonding thing nonetheless.  As long as the kids are happy, it is net positive.

[Freckles]

The Frozen song "Let It Go" came to mind while reading your post. People really don't change. I love watching movies with my dad. We are making memories.

[Alessandra]

I'm to the point where I don't even want them sleeping over there anymore if they're just going to plop them in front of the TV. But, I also don't want to start WW3. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I asking too much of them? What should. I do, if anything? In their eyes, they truly think they're doing everything right. Their heart is in the right place.

 

ETA: I do gently suggest things for them to do with them. To be fair, I did tell my mom that my son enjoys cooking with her. So she had him bring a cookbook and they made cookies. I think it's the TV/movie thing that is really getting to me.

 

IMO, yes to the bolded #1. And be grateful to bolded #2. They sound like nice grandparents, active and lively and willing to spend time with dc, even if it is not exactly the way you would have choreographed it. 

 

There is one thing I think you could do. Be enthusiastic, so your dc don't pick up on any little shreds of criticism. Do everything you can to keep a good relationship between your parents and dc.

 

The cookies sound great! You could always give your parents a few movie cds to use when they like (as opposed to lending them for a particular time period). 

 

 

I would just let it be.

It's still fun for the kids. They got to watch tv more than they ever do at home. It was still a whole different experience.

And seriously, I wouldn't expect things like a night full of playing games, doing crafts, or woodworking from people who just don't do that stuff. They aren't going to change just for one night with the kids.

I get that you are frustrated, and that's fine - but I do think you need to lower your expectations.

 

I hope that doesn't come off sounding too harsh. I don't mean it to.

 

Fwiw, my ILs are the type to watch a lot of tv also. It's just their way of life - if they are home, the tv is almost definitely on. Dh says it was at way when he was a kid, too - it's just what they do. It sounds like your parents are the same way. Sometimes if my kids are over at my ILs for the day, they will go outside, go in the woods, whatever... And sometimes, they will sit in front of the tv and watch stuff all day. Never know which it will be. And I'm ok with that, because either way they are doing something different, something that they only get to do at granny's house.

 

Nicely put.

[Plink]

My kids love that Grandma's house comes with Grandma's rules.  They can eat junk that they don't get at home, watch excessive amounts of tv, stay up late, etc.  Don't worry about it not being perfect.  Your kids know that they are cared for, and that is all that really matters.

[bolt.]

I think if you want a real relationship to occur with people who are TV-centred and not very kid oriented, it is going to have to include those existing factors, because those are the people you/they are trying to relate to.

 

If your kids have limited home screen time -- then, yeah, a screeny-sleepover is pretty special to them. It enhances their sense if feeling loved and valued by the GPs, and it is a special memory, even if you (probably more accurately) view it as the GPs foisting and forfeiting other opportunities.

 

Additionally, if you limit their screen time for the sake of "overall lifestyle" teaching (like heathy eating and other life skills) it is unlikely that occasional binges on "special occasions" will really set them back on that goal/standard. It's like heathy eating going out the window for a few birthday parties per year... The heathy message still gets through on an everyday basis.

 

I think, what hurts is that the GPs might seem to be essentially rejecting and ignoring the childhood of these small people who matter so much to you. That just plain hurts. It's not about them doing thing wrong, or you being petty about it. It's not even about a mis-match of parenting ideals. It's straight simple attitude of, "Hm. Kids. Ok, well, fine, we could watch them, but, meh, whatever." -- indifference, I guess? Unenthusuastic?

 

That's probably compounded on 2 significant fronts:

 

1. Maybe you feel that they were similarly indifferent/unenthusiastic towards you as a child, so this is causing echoes and resonances in your heart, and it builds and builds -- (if so) that's a deep hurt, and a legitimate one. You can't dodge it; you are going to have to let yourself feel it.

 

2. You have a constant source of conparison with your DH's side of the family, so it's hard to accept that "kind but unenthusuastic" grandparenting actually might be ok as "one normal way of grandparenting" -- it isn't that bad, empirically, if there wasn't always somebody around doing it better.

[Meadowlark]

The Frozen song "Let It Go" came to mind while reading your post. People really don't change. I love watching movies with my dad. We are making memories.

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I have had to just accept that this is the way my parents are, and mourn the fact that my daughter won't have the same kind of grandparents that I did. It sucks, because my grandparents, on both sides, were such an important part of my life, and I just assumed that my child would have a similar experience.

[LuvToRead]

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

My dad will work in the garden with my girls, and other outside stuff.  My mom does nothing with them.  A few months ago, my mom was working on a jigsaw puzzle and my 8 year old wanted to help.  My mom's response was "Grandma likes to do puzzles by herself.  She doesn't like to have anyone help".  She honestly didn't even see that she hurt my daughter's feelings.  My mom was like this when I was growing up, so I knew what to expect.  

 

 My DH's mom passed before we had children, but she would have been the cooking baking type of grandma.  His dad, however, hands them money for their birthday, and that's about all the interaction he has with them.

[Meadowlark]

I think if you want a real relationship to occur with people who are TV-centred and not very kid oriented, it is going to have to include those existing factors, because those are the people you/they are trying to relate to.

 

If your kids have limited home screen time -- then, yeah a screeny-sleepover is pretty special to them. It enhances their sense if feeling lived and valued by the GPs, and it is a special memory, even if you (probably more accurately) view it as the GPs foisting and forfeiting other opportunities.

 

Additionally, if you limit their screen time for the sake of "overall lifestyle" teaching (like heathy eating and other life skills) it is unlikely that occasional binges on "special occasions" will really set them back on that goal/standard. It's like heathy eating going out the window for a few birthday parties per year... The heathy message still gets through on an everyday basis.

 

I think, what hurts is that the GPs ate essentially rejecting and ignoring the childhood of these small people who matter so much to you. That just plain hurts. It's not about them doing thins wrong, or you being petty about it. It's not even about a mis-match of parenting ideals. It's straight simple attitude of, "Hm. Kids. Ok, well, fine, we could watch them, but, meh, whatever." -- indifference, I guess? Unenthusuastic?

 

That's probably compounded on 2 significant fronts:

 

1. Maybe you feel that they were similarly indifferent/unenthusiastic towards you as a child, so this is causing echoes and resonances in your heart, and it builds and builds -- (if so) that's a deep hurt, and a legitimate one. You can't dodge it; you are going to have to let yourself feel it.

 

2. You have a constant source of conparison with your DH's side of the family, so it's hard to accept that "kind but unenthusuastic" grandparenting isn't ok as "one normal way of grandparenting" -- it isn't that bad, empirically, if there wasn't always somebody around going it better.

Yes, both are somewhat true. I think too this bothers me because before my mom retired, she ALWAYS told my kids "Grandma will be able to do this and that with you when I'm retired". I must've heard that for a year straight. She constantly used her working as an excuse. So then she retired, and all of a sudden she didn't have time for them. She does however have a shopping addiction and spends a good 2-3 hours every day shopping. So when she tells my kids she doesn't have time to stay and push them on the swings, it does hurt because I know that she is probably on her way to the mall or something. So, I know this is off topic and all, but maybe you can see why when they DO spend time with them. spending hours watching TV bothers me. So it's more what they're NOT doing.

[hjffkj]

This is why my nephews LOVE going to my parents' house.  They get to spend the entire time watching tv and playing video games (something that never happens at their own house.)  They can also have soda and my dad will make them just about anything they want for dinner.  It may not seem like a good sleep over to you but I'm sure it is for your kids.  If its not, they will eventually stop asking to have sleep overs.

[Laura Corin]

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

My parents in law would have been active in the boys' lives, but they lived a long way away and were quite elderly.  My own parents, even when we are in the same house for a week, were/are kind but don't do anything much with the children.  My father used to drive us to museums, etc, but would then go for a walk rather than come round the museum with us.  My mother will talk to the children, but it would never occur to her to bake, do a craft, play a game.....  We rarely did things as a family when I was small - we ate together and talked a lot, but otherwise we mostly entertained ourselves.  It was fine - just different (I think) from your expectations.

 

L

[sbgrace]

OP, I grew up without a television. When I would visit grandparents, I was able to watch TV. It's a good memory for me. I'm sure my parents knew. If it bothered them, I was never aware. I'm glad for that.

 

I'd let this go.

[idnib]

I would just let it go. It's not like they are behaving differently or singling your kids out. They are just being who they always were. I would feel differently if they were normally active, outdoors types with lots of hobbies and activities who just plopped your kids in front of the TV.

 

Besides, they raised you the same way and you are now very aware of media, so you never know. You turned out okay, right?  :tongue_smilie:

[SKL]

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

1) My kids see my parents at holidays and when their aunt/part-time nanny takes them there for sleepovers.  The last time they saw each other was Christmas.  The next time will be Easter.

 

2) No, my parents have never picked them up, period.  With very rare exceptions, they do not come here.  We go there.  (We live roughly 60 miles apart.)

 

3) Grandma does not bake cookies.  She never was big on cooking and isn't in great health.  She has had problems with her eyes that prevented her from reading for several years.  It's sucky but it is what it is.

 

4) Grandpa knows he has the "responsibility" of teaching them to fish.  But so far he has not done this yet.  He seems to hurt himself rather often.  He did take them with him to go buy a Christmas tree in 2013.  Years ago I asked him to work with them on riding bikes, and he came along for that (2 doors from his house), but he wasn't very enthusiastic.  I think it might be related to his having been on Oxycodone, which is an evil drug in so many ways.  He used to be an outdoorsman, and I'm sure it bothers him more than it bothers me that he hasn't been able to do many things with my kids.  This past fall, I asked him to buy them an archery set for Xmas because he used to be into that.  I am hoping that he will take them out to the backyard and help them shoot some targets.  It might be a bigger deal for me because the girls don't have a dad (or other grandparents).

 

My parents adore my kids.  I am glad that they share who *they* are with my kids, and get to know what my kids are like.

 

My grandparents were much less involved in my childhood than my parents are in their grandkids'.  And there was a lot less distance between our houses when I was little.

 

[catz]

Both sets of grandparents are pretty much this way with our kids. Heck, my kids haven't spent the night with my parents for at least a year and 1/2 at all. Those grandparents have now chosen to spent like 7 months of the year in a warmer climate. Last night, my 2 kids were with my in-laws and they stared at tech all night. We don't have cable at home, and they stare at cable over there.

 

Ultimately, you can't change people so you should completely let go of any expectation of change in them. The decision to make is how much time are you willing to let your kids spend with your parents on THEIR terms. I've pretty much let it go entirely. My kids enjoy that they get to watch and do stuff over there they don't get to do at home. I'm not extremely conservative about exposing my kids to stuff. Plus they buy junk food I wouldn't buy EVER.

 

My mom also used to go on and on about what an amazing grandparent she'd be. Being around young kids is exhausting if you're not used to it. I'm sure their intent is not malicious and most grandparents have earned some down time doing things of their own choosing. It's not a grandparent's job to jump through your hoops.

[hjffkj]

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

 

My mom will invite all the grandkids over (she has 10 local) and will watch them while the parents get some time off.  They bought a huge play set for their back yard because she started having hip problems and walking to the park became an issue when she also had to chase little ones.   So they play in the back yard, color, paint, play video games, watch movies/tv,  chase cousins around the house for hours.  She'll also play board games and read to them if they ask.   My dad has them help him make pizza for them, will take them to the movies if my mom is having friends over and he wants to get out of the house.  He'll make them breakfast and loves watching shows with them while they sit in his lap.  we see them at least twice a week (they're retired.)

 

My mil sees  them every Sunday and if we can't make it to her house on a Sunday then she'll come to us sometime during the week.  She does EVERYTHING with them and has never said no to them (that gets annoying sometimes!) 

 

My fil on the other hand is not present in their lives much at all.  We saw him on Christmas where he showered them with gifts and didn't see him again till 2 weeks ago.  We'll only see him on Easter because we rearranged our schedule with my family to stop by at his mom's house for a bit.  He does facetime with them occasionally and take my oldest out for his b-day for dinner (not my dd who is now old enough to realize Pop doesn't spend one on one time with her.)  He showers them with things, which now I don't think they mind but as they get older I'm sure they will cherish their relationship with their other grandparents more.

 

All that to say.  It all depends on the person and what their priorities in life are.  

[MEmama]

We've never lived near my parents, but we used to live in the same city as my ILs. They were the same way with regards to TV and junk food, and it used to really bother me. Now we live far away, and in hindsight I wish I hadn't been so upset by it. I've come to terms that watching fox news is just what they do, and "childhood" to them means Mickey Mouse and chocolate, no matter how much my DS disliked it. In fairness, DS has never been a typical kid, so it's taken them some time to come around to that. Now when they get to spend time together, DH and I may as well just disappear. They can play games non stop for hours, and they shower him with attention. They call him all the time, to find out how a hockey game went or how he did in a race, to chat about basketball brackets, whatever. Every.single.holiday, no matter how insignificant, Grandma sends a card with a small bill inside. It is always on time, and always thrills.

 

My parents, OTOH, were the ones I thought he'd be close with, but they are completely hands off. They never, ever call him, forget to acknowledge holidays or birthdays (or give weirdly inappropriate gifts), and never ask about him. My mom has taken to spending a couple of months each summer in our state, on the opposite coast from where they live, but refuses to spend time with us. She frequently stays about 45 minutes away but won't come to his sports events because it's "too far". At this point, the relationship is irreparable, I'm afraid. She hasvsnubbed him too many times and he's received the message loud and clear. It's overwhelmingly sad to me that they care so little about their only grandchild, but I'm working on accepting it. It's hard.

[Joanne]

I think that your wishes and expectations are getting in the way of what you could be enjoying. I don't mean that to be as critical as it may sound; I have certainly made that mistake before.

 

I will likely be a grandparent very much like you describe yours are.

 

As an adult visiting my parents, I used to allow my expectations of my mom to ruin the good things that were my mom. II eventually realized that was "on me" and that my level of unhappiness became a barrier to my enjoying good things about her. That was MY fault - not hers. Of course, I am not talking about anything abusive or terribly dysfunctional.

 

As a mom myself, in the early years I was very rigid about media/tv/screen use. I felt very frustrated when others allowed my kids to view and/or be passively entertained. I should have simply allowed the situations they watched TV to "be" and to relax a bit.

 

I think it's possible your kids can (and do) enjoy what is - help them feel that is "enough".

 

[PeachyDoodle]

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

My parents, dh's mother, and dh's father/stepmother all live within about 10 minutes of us, so it's an easy comparison.

 

My parents see the kids at least once a week. At the very least, we have dinner with them on Sundays. They are usually our first choice for baby-sitting on the weekend (they both still work full-time). My mother has been known to experience "withdrawal" if she goes more than a week without seeing them and will make a special trip over here on her way home from work just to pick them up and take them to her house for a couple of hours. This is usually unannounced (or she will email/call me an hour or two ahead of time) and one of my favorite things -- they get time with Nana, and I get a late-afternoon break! When the kids are with my parents, it's probably a 50/50 split between "activities" (cooking, gardening, playing games outside, sometimes an outing like a restaurant or movie) and them letting the kids play on their own, watch TV, etc. My dad is less hands-on than my mom, but he takes dd to play golf and lets ds ride along on errands and pretend to drive his truck (when it's parked in the garage).

 

Dh's mother is partial to dd. Not horribly so, but enough that it is becoming obvious, especially as ds gets older. When I worked part-time (before ds was born), she kept dd two days per week, and they bonded. MIL is one of those people who has to have the TV on every second of the day, and it was on constantly when they were here. It bothered me that dd spent so much time watching TV (she was only 2) but I tried to ignore it since MIL was doing us a huge favor providing free baby-sitting 20 hours per week. On the flip side, she also spent a lot of time playing whatever pretend game dd made up that day and reading stories, so I shouldn't make her sound too terrible. MIL is still our go-to babysitter if I need one on a weekday since she is retired. She is almost always willing to make herself available. She doesn't invite the kids to her house, though. They rarely go there. Every now and then she will take dd to the library and out for a milkshake. She doesn't let ds tag along and doesn't do anything just with him.

 

Dh's father NEVER sees the kids unless we arrange for it. We rarely ask him to baby-sit, although he will if we ask. The kids are pretty much on their own, however. He has absolutely nothing at his house that they can play with or read so we have to take plenty of toys when we visit (mostly on holidays). He doesn't play with them at all. He barely supervises. The bulk of his interaction with them is quizzing dd on her history knowledge (he's a retired history teacher). He recently remarried, and his new wife has made more of an effort to get to know the kids than FIL ever has. She has given dd a few cooking lessons, which dd loved! Last summer she arranged a week-long summer "camp" for dd and her own granddaughters, where they painted, cooked, swam, and put on a play. FIL mostly watched TV the whole time. We have found the relationship with step-MIL a little tricky to navigate, because MIL is not happy about the kids spending time with her.

 

They all have their own style, but the kids love each of them in their own way. My parents and MIL obviously know the kids better than FIL. They've taken the time to get to know who dd and ds are. It's a little sad to me, but it's the way FIL is, and I think ultimately he's the one missing out. I don't think his behavior surprises dh in the least; I think it's very similar to the way dh was raised. I do think I would be quite disappointed if my parents behaved that way, though. But there's hope. The last time we picked up the kids at FIL's, he and dd were sprawled out on his bed, watching a basketball game and discussing the ancient Greeks. So I think he will come to enjoy them more as they mature and can interact with him on a more adult level. He's really just not a kid person, as you say. So maybe your parents will be better grandparents of teens/young adults, too.

[peachskittles]

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

My parents are not active in my children's lives at all.  I'm sure my mother would love to be now, but due to other issues, it will only occur if my SO and I agree and are present to observe.  My father is too ill to do anything but watch a movie with the his grandchildren. 

 

On the other side, my SO's mom lives in California.  We are in Iowa, so way too far away for a relationship.  When she did live close, she invited my oldest over for a sleep over.  We found out it was a literal sleep over.  Bring him over at bedtime and pick him up when he woke up.  My SO's dad, on the other hand, is the most involved.  He bought them a swing set, a pool for the summer, outdoor trucks to play with in the sand...He doesn't actually play with them though.  They do not do bonding activities together.  He has never been alone with them and has no interest in overnight visits.  When we go over, we watch television, play in the yard, walk to the park, or go to the bar to eat.

 

I had high hopes for grandparents involvement with my children.  Reality isn't the same as my dreams, and I'm okay with it.  I would love a grandparent that did crafts, baked, played games with them...It'll never happen.

[LMV]

I think you have to respect your parents for who they are. I think you have to view sleepovers with the grandparents as the kids coming into the grandparents' world.  So if your mom and dad watch tv all night then I think it is a bit unusual to expect that they're going to suddenly build a birdhouse with your kids.  Maybe it is easy for me to say this because neither my mom or MIL are big tv people and DH and I aren't probably partly because of this and our kids don't really think they are missing out on anything in our low screen household.  

 

Both my MIL and mom will take the kids riding and they both enjoy cooking so they will cook with the kids.  DH and I cook with them a lot too so I think the kids are more into spending time with Grandma than the cooking novelty.  My MIL has taught our older girls how to knit.  She also knits a lot for the kids and will often take our younger girls to this kind of cool cafe for lunch which is next door to a yarn store and then take them to the yarn store to pick out the yarn for their sweater or hat/mittens or whatever she is making them. My mom currently lives in a relatively large metropolitan area so she will often pick out somewhere that would be even cooler with little grandchildren and plan in advance for when we visit.  

 

My FIL (who is really DH's stepdad but he's been married to MIL since before DH was married or any of the kids were born so I've always considered him a FIL and all of our collective kids have considered him simply grandpa) loves to hike and loves to take the kids with him and is pretty good about adapting to their level and making it fun.  He also gets into soccer with the kids and will play with them in the pool.  He can do awesome voices for reading books (for all the characters) so they like to read with him.  My dad sadly lost his battle with cancer while I was pregnant with our oldest.  My mom's second husband is Grandpa Games (according to DFD5) because he has the patience to play almost anything with them.  I think he actually enjoys UNO so since he's a nice guy I try to steer them in that direction after a few renditions of something else.  He also takes them to get a fair amount of ice-cream so perhaps he should really be Grandpa Coldstone.

[LibraryLover]

Some grandparents take kids skiing, and some bake cookies and watch movies. Maybe one is 'better', but they are both just fine. I understand wishing things were different, but I think it's better to embrace the decent which is, and call it a day.  Your kids probably liked baking the cookies and watching the movies.  I thinking baking is better than playing a board game, fwiw. Baking is interesting and Candy Land is just plain dull.  I think there was an effort on her part when she told the child to bring a cookbook.  That was kind of nice, if not spectacular, kwim.  They can only be who they are, and they are not harming the children...which does happen in some families.  My Mom is lovely, but she isn't a Candy Land person. She does like to read to kids, but we read all the time here, so they were more interested in watching a movie (since they didn't much at home) than being read to...although they love to read and they loved being read to, just not much by grandma after toddler hood.

 

I don't think you're a terrible person for wishing you had the active grandparents, but you don't, and it's good you have your inlaws for that. The kids get both, and are perhaps fine with it.

 

 

[Indian summer]

I'd let it be. I doubt the extra tv time did any harm. I understand your desire for your parents and kids to build relationships, but if your parents just aren't kid people, then they just aren't. Could they make the effort, yeah, but if it's so much effort the kids would probably pick up on that.

 

Maybe they will enjoy the kids more when they get older?

 

Do your parents have any hobbies that might interest your kids as they grow? Hopefully, in time they will come around to having some common interests. Maybe you could encourage your kids to ask grandma and grandpa what things were like when they were little or ask to see some family photo albums from way back. Get creative about encouraging the kids to talk.

 

My own grandparents weren't all that interested (or so it seemed to me) in being the kind of grandparents that liked to hang out with the grandkids, but I still enjoyed just being around them, even if I was watching tv and they were chatting with adults in another room. I did enjoy listening to them talk. When I grew up, we enjoyed each others company. All this to say there are different seasons and different ways of being with people so don't worry that what's happening isn't good enough for your kids - its all good. And hey, it can be neat for kids who have limited tv to say "grandma and grandpa always let us watch lots of movies! Cool!" they probably had fun even if it isn't what you had hoped for.

 

My parents give my kids way too many snacks and treats, but whatever, I'm just glad they're having time together.

[freesia]

I'd let it be. I doubt the extra tv time did any harm. I understand your desire for your parents and kids to build relationships, but if your parents just aren't kid people, then they just aren't. Could they make the effort, yeah, but if it's so much effort the kids would probably pick up on that.

 

Maybe they will enjoy the kids more when they get older?

 

Do your parents have any hobbies that might interest your kids as they grow? Hopefully, in time they will come around to having some common interests. Maybe you could encourage your kids to ask grandma and grandpa what things were like when they were little or ask to see some family photo albums from way back. Get creative about encouraging the kids to talk.

 

My own grandparents weren't all that interested (or so it seemed to me) in being the kind of grandparents that liked to hang out with the grandkids, but I still enjoyed just being around them, even if I was watching tv and they were chatting with adults in another room. I did enjoy listening to them talk. When I grew up, we enjoyed each others company. All this to say there are different seasons and different ways of being with people so don't worry that what's happening isn't good enough for your kids - its all good. And hey, it can be neat for kids who have limited tv to say "grandma and grandpa always let us watch lots of movies! Cool!" they probably had fun even if it isn't what you had hoped for.

 

My parents give my kids way too many snacks and treats, but whatever, I'm just glad they're having time together.

I agree completely. Neither set of my grandparents were baking/playing types (ok, one grandmother had her maid bake us cookies. LOL) I was very close to and ADORED my mother's mother (my Dad mom lived far away and died when I was young). I never, ever remember her playing with me. I have wonderful memories of her house, her pool, my cousins, the fact that she fed us the above mentioned cookies and, sigh, Captain Crunch. Oh, and she and my grandfather had cable!!!!!!!!! I miss her so much, but only remember talking to her, never playing. I only cooked with her once I was old enough to be part of dinner prep. I miss my grandfather, too and he only talked.

 

My mom is like my grandmother (her mom) to my kids. One of my dc prefers her to the baking/crafting grandmother.

 

My dh started out appalled that he natural food crazy mother (he couldn't have sugar at other folks house, milked his own goats, etc) gave my kids so much junk when we came over. He has since relaxed. It's not all the time, just sometimes.

 

Our kids watch way more TV at the grandmothers' houses. I'm okay with that. They don't get much at home.

[alef]

We didnt watch TV at home, I have happy memories of watching TV and eating junk at grandmas house.

 

Enjoy what you do have and dont let idealized wishes get in the way.

[Freckles]

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

We live three days drive from both sets of grandparents. My mom is the let's go fishing, shopping, camping in the backyard grandma. My dad is hey lets go to the matinee movie marathon grandpa. My dh grandparents are the it's nice to see you, but I'm reading the paper and talking about politics grandparents, but they can be persuaded to go shopping at Christmas. It really bothered me that dh parents wouldn't jump in and help when the kids were little. My parents were very hands on with babies and toddlers. My kids are teenagers now. They just want the keys to the golf cart and a way to earn twenty bucks. haha

I try to not to expect too much. My grandparents were not the creative types, but I knew they loved me. I have very fond memories of popcorn and The Sound of Music every year at my grandparent's home prior to VCR's. Yes, I'm that old.

 

[Loowit]

I think you have to let them have their own relationship.  It is hard to give up what you picture as the perfect grandparent/grandchild time together, but I don't think it is fair to them to dictate how they should interact barring health and safety issues.

 

My parents rarely see my children.  The live about 20 minutes away.  They spend a lot of time with my sister's and my brother's kids, but whenever I ask them to watch mine they are "busy".  It has been hard.  When we do go over to their house my mom usually puts on a TV show or DVD for them.  If my kids ask them to go outside and play my mom is happy to play badminton, Frisbee, or whatever, but my kids are the ones who have to ask.  My parents were never ones to play a lot with us when we were kids.  We were mostly on our own to entertain ourselves.  My mom never baked cookies with us or did projects.  She doesn't have a lot of patience for it.  So I accept what they are willing to do and move on.  My kids love my parents even though it is not what some would see as the idyllic grandparent relationship.

 

My MIL and FIL are the fun grandparents who do exciting things with our kids.  They take them to the park, RV'ing, museums and all kinds of other fun things.  Next week they are taking all of us to the Pacific Science Center for the day.  They love spending time playing with the kids and doing projects with them.  My MIL also does art class with the kids several times a month where they do painting, clay, and all kinds of other fun things.  They are very hands on grandparents who enjoy time with grandkids.

 

The funny thing is that for me, my parents way of doing things is what my norm was growing up.  I can think of maybe once that my grandparents babysat, and never ever my dad's parents.  I never went over to my grandparents house just to play and spend time with them.  We did do one overnight each summer with my mom's mom and dad, but it was playing at grandma's not playing with grandma.  I still look back very fondly of the summer sleepover at grandma's house, despite them not playing with us I still loved them very much and was close to them.

[AimeeM]

I say this gently.

 

You can't have it both ways - you can't want them to be more involved, but then want to dictate what they do with their grandchildren; when you do so, you basically want their home to be an extension of yours, and that isn't fair (to the grandparents or your children). Grandparents aren't obligated to be active in a child's life, and when they are active (to whatever amount that is), they aren't obligated to do things your way - they didn't choose to have them, they didn't choose your household rules and may not care to implement them in *their* home.

You can either choose to allow your children over there on their terms (media present), or stop asking them to take the children.

[AimeeM]

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

When my parents were local, they had my eldest at least two weekends a month. They watched a lot of tv. They at a lot of junk food. They also went to the flea market and played outside, but yes, they watched a lot of movies.

I think you have a very idealized view of what a grandparent *should* be and, while that's nice, it isn't exactly fair. My daughter has very fond memories of her grandparents.

[Meadowlark]

Well, I asked and the "hive" has spoken.:-)

 

I really wondered whether my expectations were too high, and I see that they are. Have you ever gotten so tangled up in your emotions that you're not sure you're thinking straight and logically about things? My family has been through a LOT and there are some other factors involved that I won't go into, but the fact remains that I need to chill out. I am really going to try to relax about this and accept them for who they are. TRY...a hard thing where the heart is concerned.

 

Thanks for everyone's gentle input. Just what I was looking for.

[HS Mom in NC]

They are who they are.  They're not going to change all of a sudden. If they do change, it will be in doing less and less as they get older. You can be whatever kind of grandparent you want to be.  Maybe you should start a list and keep adding to it for ideas later.

 

My mom and step-dad have been various things to various children.  When the older two were younger (say, 10 years ago) my mom took the kids horseback riding, bicycling, to the children's theater, and had them work along side her in the garden or in the kitchen. She used to read books to them and disucss them.  Now she's older and more easily tired. My step-dad still lets the little kids drive the riding lawn mower (used for mowing and getting to the end of the property with the horse) on his lap. He used to take the kids to the dump with him (yes, we're country bumpkins) and then get a donut for them and the dogs on the way back.  They loved it. So did the dogs.  Now, very often my youngest watches TV by herself at their house for most of the morning or afternoon and she plays with the dogs and does a little bike riding and helping a bit in the kitchen now and then with my mom.

 

My in-laws are people who watch tv incessantly (including during meals) and think going to the movies, shopping, Disneyland or Disneyworld and playing video games are the only acceptable options for entertaining children.

 

My dad lives an hour away.  I never lived with him.  He used to go camping with us when my kids were younger but would often spend most of the time exploring the woods alone. (Shrug.) Now he doesn't anymore.  He comes over for an afternoon several times a year and we visit and eat icecream. He and my mother separated when I was  week old and my bio-brother was 11 months old.  We did the every other Saturday thing.  We went to the park, lunch, fishing, camping, shopping, etc.

 

My maternal grandparents helped raise me when my bio brother and I were little. We watched TV at their house more than at home.  My grandmother loved Star Trek and I still get misty eyed when people refer to it or I see it. She took us to the zoo a lot when we were little.  She taught me to sew.  She baked with us.  My grandfather helped us build things out of lumber, took us camping and read the Bible to us. My bio-brother and step-brothers helped take care of them in the later years.

 

I met my paternal grandfather once for an afternoon. I met my paternal grandmother once but I don't remember it.   They were divorced so I didn't see them at the same time.

 

[Catwoman]

Well, I asked and the "hive" has spoken.:-)

 

I really wondered whether my expectations were too high, and I see that they are. Have you ever gotten so tangled up in your emotions that you're not sure you're thinking straight and logically about things? My family has been through a LOT and there are some other factors involved that I won't go into, but the fact remains that I need to chill out. I am really going to try to relax about this and accept them for who they are. TRY...a hard thing where the heart is concerned.

 

Thanks for everyone's gentle input. Just what I was looking for.

What an incredibly gracious and thoughtful response. :hurray:

 

It's always hard to think clearly in situations like this, and I think it's great that you realized that and asked others for their input. I'm sure we have all experienced something similar, where our emotions caused us to make a big deal out of something in our minds, when an outsider would immediately say that we were overreacting. I know I've done it! :)

[alef]

Well, I asked and the "hive" has spoken.:-)

 

I really wondered whether my expectations were too high, and I see that they are. Have you ever gotten so tangled up in your emotions that you're not sure you're thinking straight and logically about things? My family has been through a LOT and there are some other factors involved that I won't go into, but the fact remains that I need to chill out. I am really going to try to relax about this and accept them for who they are. TRY...a hard thing where the heart is concerned.

 

Thanks for everyone's gentle input. Just what I was looking for.

 

You know, you DO get the chance to make those grandparenting dreams a reality--when you have your own grandkids :)

[fraidycat]

I heven't read any replies yet.

 

Are you blowing out of proportion and asking too much of them? In MY opinion, yes to both.

 

But you know what they say about opinions... ;)

[Garga]

Haven't read other replies but when I made the same sorts of observations about my own family to my friends, they burst out laughing, albeit in a "the world sucks, but what're you gonna do" kind of way. The idea that grandparents would actually interact with the kids was something foreign to them. They went on to tell the most hilarious stories of being kids at grandma's house and having to watch bowling on tv for 4 hours straight or play with lint balls for fun.

 

I remember that my own grandparents only let me play on their stationary bike when I was there and then would yell at me the whole time for "being too loud." I was an only child, riding a stationary bike in their basement. I can't imagine how I was making too much of a racket...

 

I will not be that kind of lame-o grandparent, but there sure are a lot of them out there.

[Meadowlark]

You know, you DO get the chance to make those grandparenting dreams a reality--when you have your own grandkids :)

YES! My husband and I talk about that all the time! Let's just hope these five little people don't send me to the looney bin by then :-)

[elfgivas]

Ha ha, funny. I was thinking of this song too. I do agree that I'm probably being sensitive about this. I think the movies in combination with OTHER quality time wouldn't bother me too much.

 

Let me ask you this...how active are the grandparents in your kids lives? I mean, do they pick them up and take them to the park? Does grandma invite them over to make cookies? Does grandpa take them fishing? I guess I do have too high of expectations and I will have to work on that. Somewhere along the line, I had it in my head that my parents would do these kinds of things, but sadly, I was wrong. I just wonder what other grandparents are like?

 

 

i try really hard to be grateful for who people are rather than who i wish they were.  i have the most trouble applying that to my parents, and with dh's parents.. 

 

my folks are in toronto and niagara region.  my dad visits with his wife once every two years, for three days.  he takes them to the bookstore and they can choose two books each.  we go out to dinner at a nice restaurant.  they come to the house once for a meal.  (they prefer to stay in a hotel).  when we go there, we eat meals together, and once a visit we all go to the park together.  my mom visited twice last year, and we visited her twice, too.  she is the dream grandma.  thank goodness.  she bakes, reads, plays, appreciates, encourages, gently corrects, and delights in all of us.  oh, and she does laundry and dishes.  she is 85, almost 86

 

which brings us to dh's parents.  dh's dad died the year after we were married.  it was tragic on many levels.  dh's mom is... complex.  i'd be ecstatic if she just put them in front of a television set instead of telling them how wonderful all their cousins are and belittling all they do themselves.  when we visited two weekends ago, to help her move into a seniors home, she kept asking us and the dc to choose things we'd like to have and then saying, "no, that's mine." or "no, that's too special".  it has been like this since dfil died, and it makes me sad.  she has so much to offer, and just has trouble offering it to us. :(.  she doesn't come here any more.  flip side is that she has given the dc money for their university accounts every single year and that will make a huge difference in their ability to attend a good university.  

 

so if its possible to just let it go, that's likely healthier for you and everyone else, too.  i'm not so good at that, but i'm trying.

ann

[KRG]

Yes, you are expecting too much if you know this is how they are around children.

My rule has always been what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's.  I know they eat more junk and watch junk tv but it's just for a day or so and then they are back home.  If your parents are interested in and letting your children come over I say that's a win.  So unless they pulling out R rated movies to watch and giving them matches to play with I'd let it go.