Be honest--am I hard to shop for?

[8circles]

The bolded is the key. You know your DH and act accordingly. If he really loved the bow and ribbon presentation, you'd take the extra couple of minutes and do it. I don't care if the item is still in a box either. Sometimes DH will be goofy and put the gift in an amazon box and use a roll of scotch tape to close it. :)

No, I wouldn't.  That's the key.  I don't NOT do it because he doesn't care, I don't do because I'm not particularly good at it and I didn't have the time or materials to do it.  As I said, sometimes I do wrap the gifts.  He may vastly prefer wrapping of the fancy kind.  I don't know nor do I care.  Honestly.  I do put forth effort in his gifts.  I give it a lot of thought.  I do my best.  He appreciates.  The reverse is also true.

[Danestress]

To me, of all the gift giving days, Valentines Day is the one that least calls for someone to really "shop" for something else the other person wants.  I think a husband is supposed to just think, "Is she a flower person, a wine person, or a chocolate person?" and respond accordingly.  Maybe when courting, a woman is all three:)  I don't expect my husband to really buy a gift that was picked especially for me, but rather to give the appropriate standard offering (wine).

 

Birthdays and Christmas are different.  And I am not saying that my way of thinking about this is universal.  But I don't think I have ever thought about "what I want" for Valentines Day, because it's really just about the token of love.  I don't give my DH any gift at all.  I decorated my boy's bathroom mirror with cut out (by hand) red, pink and white hearts.  I think at 16, this seems rather stupid to them, but it's tradition.

 

So I don't know if you are hard to shop for, but I do think a day like Valentines Day can be a land mine for relationships between people for whom gifts are a love language and people for whom they are not. 

[elegantlion]

Help me understand the list thing. I give lists to the Grandparents because they don't see the kids everyday to know what they are in to. Why would I give my DH a list? Just so he can check off the "get wife a gift" box? That is just a half step above buying it for myself and telling him he got me a gift. There is just no part of me that wants to give him a list of ideas. I really would prefer to get nothing.

 

IMO, the list is a running reminder of those little things you point out throughout the year. It's like any other list you might keep. I'm a list maker by nature, dh was/is not. 

 

You cannot make another person change, you can, however, give them nudges and helps along the way to make sure they understand it's important to you. 

 

If the gifts really aren't important, either accept what you get or ask for donations to your favorite charities. 

[kbutton]

Maybe he got lucky those times & realizes that most of the time, he really can't live up to your expectations.

 

I've read all your posts here & still can't figure out what would make you happy either.

 

Quit comparing his gift-giving skills to your own.

 

 

Definitely what I'm thinking. I can put lot of thought into a gift and have it bomb or be "just okay," and I can put very little thought into a gift and have it be great--usually the great gift is something that just clicked. I saw it, and it was perfect for that person. Right place, right time, walked down the right aisle at the store, etc. Usually, it's not even a question of going out on a limb--it's like the item had their name emblazoned on the side. My biggest gift efforts are the ones that require all kinds of time and might not go over well at all in spite of loads of thought.

 

On a side note, the people I know who like receiving gifts as their love language are the easiest folks to please with gifts. Pretty much all of them are this way. They are my EASIEST people to buy for, not my most difficult. (Though I will note that since folks like this are very pleased with gifts of all kinds, it can be a little too open-ended for me--I do like to have my options narrowed enough that I know I'm not buying them their 3rd copy of a loved book. After all, others like to buy for receptive folks too, so they may have quite a collection already.)

[AmandaVT]

This thread is reminding me of my birthday a couple of years ago - my husband asked me for some ideas for gifts and I told him all I really wanted was a new rolling pin. (I like to cook and bake) He went to the kitchen shop in town and told them he needed a rolling pin for his wife's birthday and the women working there tried sooo hard to talk him out of it! They told him that if he actually brought me a rolling pin that I'd be likely to whack him over the head with it. He just laughed and said, no, she really actually wants a rolling pin. I got my rolling pin and was thrilled! :-) What can I say, I like practical stuff. 

 

DH on the other hand, is hard to shop for. He likes music gear, expensive stuff. So while I'm excited for a $15 dollar rolling pin, he dreams of a $1900 guitar. I got lucky this year and found a Risk game (his favorite) from the 80's on ebay for Christmas.

[Spryte]

After reading the entire thread, I'm going to refrain from commenting on the original question.

 

But I do want to point out that a gift card for make up or something I'd regularly buy for myself would be off of my DH's radar as a potential gift. He doesn't see those things as gift material. OP, maybe you can find a way to hint on those. Also, my DH would never, never give a household item as a gift. Vacuums are simply not something he'd consider a gift. He would need a hint on that, too. A big one. In fact, it reminds me of one of the bitter stories about my mother's former marriage ... "He gave me an iron for my birthday, can you imagine?? An iron!!" So in my mother's world, not receiving that vacuum would be a great gift! :)

 

I hope this Valentine's day brings you joy, OP, and that you have a wonderful time with your DH, whatever you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This from the girl sick in bed and planning a run to CVS for a card, and a quick trip into the wine store for a gift. [blushing] ...Valentine's is low key for us because our anniversary was last week, so I'm off the hook, whew.

[KrissiK]

Putting "thought" into it is not easy for many of us. I can spend hours and hours "thinking" and come up with nothing. Gift-giving is a huge source of stress for me every single holiday. Please just accept that what comes easily to you does not come easily to others, and it is not a reflection of how much they love you.

This. I stress about giving gifts. Sure, sometimes I'm shopping and I see something that I know person X will love and I get It for them, but more often than not, I hate shopping for gifts. And it's not that I don't care and it's not that I don't want to put in the effort. It's just hard for me. I don't particularly like gifts, and I have trouble buying them for other people.

[Cinder]

To me, of all the gift giving days, Valentines Day is the one that least calls for someone to really "shop" for something else the other person wants.

 

Dh and I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Never. No candy, chocolate, wine, special dinner date. So it was a particularly funny follow-up here after one of the kids in his Awana group gave him and the other leader each a box of chocolates. (This boy's mom always sends treats to the leaders for special occasions.) The other leader shared her box with the kids so dh just brought his home. Then he was telling me the story and, suddenly inspired, he holds the box towards me and with a big smile says, "Here--Happy Valentine's Day!" We both got a laugh out of that.

 

And for those who might wonder, we have talked to our sons about how not all women are like Mom. That many of them actually do care about Valentine's Day and that they need to act accordingly. :D

[linders]

I don't know about you, but I know that I have become much harder to shop for as I've gotten older. If I really need something, I get it when I need it, and I often need a specific style, size, or color. If I don't need it (another collectible or knick knack? another item of clothing? another kitchen gadget?), I question whether I really want more clutter/consumerism.

 

Because of this, I have given permission to DH (more like strongly encouraged him) to quit trying too hard to buy gifts, especially "the perfect thoughtful gift." And with the DC, I am trying to steer them gently to things that will be low key and practical. For example, I have DS10 convinced that the perfect Christmas gift for mom each year is a new wall calendar. Something I will clearly need, and then with that focus he can put his effort into choosing one he thinks I will like.

 

Just my two cents.

 

P.S. Flowers for any occasion or no occasion are still perfectly acceptable!! I could get them from DH for every birthday from here to eternity and be happy, although even there, I have started suggesting living flowers that I can plant.

[happi duck]

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

If dh sent me a link to a wallet he wanted I would buy it then...

add a gift card to his favorite coffee place

add a family photo

add a hand written id card "best dad ever" or similar

put in a lucky dollar

 

It would never occur to me to just buy it and hand it over...that's not a gift its doing a favor..."next time you're ordering add that wallet I need, thanks"

 

I might appreciate the favor but not see it as a gift.

[Stacia]

If dh sent me a link to a wallet he wanted I would buy it then...

add a gift card to his favorite coffee place

add a family photo

add a hand written id card "best dad ever" or similar

put in a lucky dollar

 

That's a very nifty, cute idea. (And one I would have never thought of on my own.)

 

[Audrey]

I LOVE giving gifts.  It energizes me to think of special ways to treat my family.  Right now, I'm doing 14 Days of Valentine gifts for DH and the kids and I'm having a lot of fun with it.

 

DH feels bad sometimes because I give many more gifts than I get.  He made a comment to me that I'm "hard to shop for". 

 

Here's my issue--I don't want some generic, thoughtless gift.  If my choices for Valentine's Day are a box of chocolates or nothing, I'll take nothing and be just fine.  Really.  I would rather get no gift then something he picked up at CVS on the way home from work.  To me, that says I'm not worth the effort it takes to put a little thought into it and it annoys me.

 

I really don't think I'm hard to shop for, you just need to put a little bit of thought into it.

 

So, am I too picky?  Be honest!

 

ETA--DH used to give great gifts, he's just gotten lazy as time has gone by, which is fine, it is what it is.  It isn't that he isn't capable.

 

 

I'll be honest.

 

Yes. You are hard to shop for.

 

You've set unreasonably high standards for others to give you gifts.  If Valentine's Day is any example, you are setting the bar too high. You've over-done Valentine's Day by 13 days.  So, one gift on the actual holiday doesn't meet the bar you set.  Others will know they've been unable to match up to that. They will feel embarrassed, inadequate and overwhelmed.  You've also decided that "stopping at CVS on the the way home" is not thoughtful.  The fact someone thought of you enough to make the stop in the first place IS a thoughtful act.  Until you can communicate more reasonable expectations to your loved ones, I think you will continue to intimidate your loved ones in this area.

[zoobie]

No, I wouldn't.  That's the key.  I don't NOT do it because he doesn't care, I don't do because I'm not particularly good at it and I didn't have the time or materials to do it.  As I said, sometimes I do wrap the gifts.  He may vastly prefer wrapping of the fancy kind.  I don't know nor do I care.  Honestly.  I do put forth effort in his gifts.  I give it a lot of thought.  I do my best.  He appreciates.  The reverse is also true.

 

The gift-wrapping example was just an example. The point was that sometimes we do things outside of what we would prefer for ourselves for the joy of someone else. You and your DH are clearly on the same page with gift giving and all of its trappings. That's great. Isn't there something that he really enjoys and really makes him happy that you really couldn't care less about but you do anyway just to see him smile? I don't know any people IRL who are perfectly sympatico on every single topic in life. I don't really enjoy going to the movies; I'd prefer to watch them at home on the couch, but I go with DH because it makes him happy. If I had some kind of acute phobia of theaters, he wouldn't expect me to go, but otherwise, why not go and make him happy? If I went and reminded him that I was doing him a HUGE favor, that would suck the fun out of it for him, and he'd wish that we had just stayed home.

[Chris in VA]

While agreeing with the majority of folks on this thread, and also noting you have left this conversation I will add a little story.

 

Many years ago, during my second pregnancy, we took a trip to the West, which included a movie stop at the Spud Drive-In, in Idaho. We've often reminisced about that lovely trip, that funky drive-in, that time in our lives. Last year, a few months before my January birthday, my husband came across an article on The Spud, and how they were fundraising to stay in business. He told me about it, we visited the website, and I said how much I hoped they'd survive because it was such a cool place.

 

That January, dh bought me a t-shirt from The Spud's fundraiser as a birthday gift. I was thrilled! It didn't matter if it didn't fit (it was the right size, but the cut was off), or even that I'll prob never wear it. It was special to me because of what it represented--dh had listened to me, had shared an affection for my affections, and had gone to the effort to surprise me and to order something.

 

I don't expect that every.single.time. It was very nice, though.

 

I think some women long to be "known" by their spouse. Some take it further and long to be known without explicitly sharing, either verbally or otherwise, who they are. And some feel they have "shared," and dear spouse would know that if he'd been listening or paying attention. And THAT gets translated into "If you have lived with me this long, you SHOULD KNOW ME BY NOW!" So, it hurts when a spouse seems to not be paying attention, as if the spouse is somehow saying, "You aren't important enough for me to notice."

 

But that is NOT what most spouses are saying--they have different styles of relating, or different love language, if you want to put it that way.

 

We need to stop thinking that everyone relates the same way, that there is some hidden message or meaning in actions, that the meaning and motives WE assign to people mirror reality accurately every time. It's hard. It's part of marriage to accept someone else as they are and realize they may not even see what we feel is right in front of them! And that is NOT bad, or the wrong way to do things, or lazy/stupid/lame.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

Definitely what I'm thinking. I can put lot of thought into a gift and have it bomb or be "just okay," and I can put very little thought into a gift and have it be great--usually the great gift is something that just clicked. I saw it, and it was perfect for that person. Right place, right time, walked down the right aisle at the store, etc. Usually, it's not even a question of going out on a limb--it's like the item had their name emblazoned on the side. My biggest gift efforts are the ones that require all kinds of time and might not go over well at all in spite of loads of thought.

 

On a side note, the people I know who like receiving gifts as their love language are the easiest folks to please with gifts. Pretty much all of them are this way. They are my EASIEST people to buy for, not my most difficult. (Though I will note that since folks like this are very pleased with gifts of all kinds, it can be a little too open-ended for me--I do like to have my options narrowed enough that I know I'm not buying them their 3rd copy of a loved book. After all, others like to buy for receptive folks too, so they may have quite a collection already.)

So true! My dear friend whose love language is gifts will love and treasure anything I give to her, just because it comes from me and reminds her of the giver and the love...

[8circles]

Beautiful.

 

While agreeing with the majority of folks on this thread, and also noting you have left this conversation I will add a little story.

 

Many years ago, during my second pregnancy, we took a trip to the West, which included a movie stop at the Spud Drive-In, in Idaho. We've often reminisced about that lovely trip, that funky drive-in, that time in our lives. Last year, a few months before my January birthday, my husband came across an article on The Spud, and how they were fundraising to stay in business. He told me about it, we visited the website, and I said how much I hoped they'd survive because it was such a cool place.

 

That January, dh bought me a t-shirt from The Spud's fundraiser as a birthday gift. I was thrilled! It didn't matter if it didn't fit (it was the right size, but the cut was off), or even that I'll prob never wear it. It was special to me because of what it represented--dh had listened to me, had shared an affection for my affections, and had gone to the effort to surprise me and to order something.

 

I don't expect that every.single.time. It was very nice, though.

 

I think some women long to be "known" by their spouse. Some take it further and long to be known without explicitly sharing, either verbally or otherwise, who they are. And some feel they have "shared," and dear spouse would know that if he'd been listening or paying attention. And THAT gets translated into "If you have lived with me this long, you SHOULD KNOW ME BY NOW!" So, it hurts when a spouse seems to not be paying attention, as if the spouse is somehow saying, "You aren't important enough for me to notice."

 

But that is NOT what most spouses are saying--they have different styles of relating, or different love language, if you want to put it that way.

 

We need to stop thinking that everyone relates the same way, that there is some hidden message or meaning in actions, that the meaning and motives WE assign to people mirror reality accurately every time. It's hard. It's part of marriage to accept someone else as they are and realize they may not even see what we feel is right in front of them! And that is NOT bad, or the wrong way to do things, or lazy/stupid/lame.

[KungFuPanda]

I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I do expect that he pay a bit of attention. He knows I'm ok with gc's and practical gifts. He hears me complain about lugging the vacuum up the stairs at least once a week--I'd love another vacuum. He teases me about all the make-up haul videos I watch--a make-up gc would be nice. He knows I've started knitting again and we talked about the local yarn shop--a gc there would be nice.

 

See?!? I'm really not hard to shop for but I do require some thought.

He's a man. Hints don't result in action. Instead of "this vacuum is so heavy" you HAVE to say "If someone LOVED me, they could buy me an upstairs vacuum and I'd be delighted."

 

The hint thing only works reliably on women . . . and sometimes it doesn't even work on them.

[plansrme]

I don't think a single person who has posted here has suggested that Moxie is a "selfish, materialistic, demanding shrew." :glare:

 

 

I rest my case.  This thread has gotten mean, frankly.  Not that anyone should be shocked by that.

[happypamama]

I sent him a link to a wallet I liked. He ordered it and handed it to me. Great. Now I have the wallet I wanted but he put no thought into that gift. I've birthed his 5 children, I don't think asking for 10 minutes of thought on my birthday is too much.

See, I would say that that does mean he put thought into it -- he remembered to get it, and specifically the one you liked, not just any wallet. Maybe wrapping it would have been the extra touch, but he does seem like he tried.

[aggie96]

I could have written the original post.  DH almost always phones it in the night before or morning of a standard gift-giving holiday (and we don't celebrate Valentine's Day regardless).  This was the first birthday in 10 years he put some thought/effort into it.  I consider myself easy to shop for because I will like anything I receive if someone actual gives me a gift, not just shops for me.  For example, my granny for years would send me $1 procelain piece from Fingerhut or other similar QVC-type trinket.  They were usually ugly, not remotely my style, not practical, and I had no room (or desire) to display them.  But she picked these things because she saw them and thought of me.  I love them.  I have 30 years worth of these trinkets.  I have kept everyone and display my favorites here and there.  DH, on the other hand, has left me to feed kids breakfast on Mother's Day so he could run out to Walgreens and grab a rose and box of nasty chocolates that he knows the kids eat, not me.  Really?  He got a gift for his mother and usually has me lug all the kids out to eat (which is always a beating) with her to give her the gift.  ?????  If he purchased something I suggested on Amazon for me, I would expect some wrapping paper.  And we have a whole closet full of paper and bags.

 

In my opinion, you shouldn't have angst giving someone a gift.  If you have nothing you want to give, then don't because the "gift" that says you just bought something because you felt obligated isn't really a gift after all.  There is most definitely a difference between a gift and shopping.  You don't even have to "shop" for someone.  Write a note in a card...homemade.  Even gift cards don't have to be impersonal if you really have angst trying to find something for someone.  Get a gift card with a note that says you couldn't find just the right thing, you know it's a favorite store, by something fun and just for them.  :)  My brother does this for me, and I always send a quick pic of what I bought.  Easy for him and thoughtful on his part.  It's always somewhere I won't/don't splurge on for myself.

[8circles]

I rest my case. This thread has gotten mean, frankly. Not that anyone should be shocked by that.

?? I'm not sure what you mean. Nobody has said anything negative about the OP beyond answering her original question about being hard to buy for.

 

OP, I'm sorry if you think people are being mean. I don't think anyone is intending to be.

[Moxie]

Dh is a great gift giver. I am a lousy gift giver, and it isn't for lack of thought. I really hate gift giving pressure. Except for choosing books, it just isn't really a talent of mine and it causes me a lot of stress.

 

I think preferring nothing to a 'boring' gift is a mite rude.

 

People express their thoughtfulness in different ways. Gifts don't mean a lot to me, but when someone offers to lighten my load, I think that's so thoughtful and I'm very appreciative.

 

I know 'love languages' are pop psychology, but there's some truth there IMO.

 

Also, any chocolates people find boring will find a good home with me :)

 

I never used the word 'boring'.

 

[Ellie]

Yes, you are hard to shop for.

 

When someone gives you a gift, you are supposed to say "Thank you! How wonderful! This is just what I wanted!"

 

And you're supposed to feel that way in your heart of hearts, no matter what it is, even if it is just a generic box of chocolates and not 14 days of Valentine gifts.

[aggie96]

This thread is reminding me of my birthday a couple of years ago - my husband asked me for some ideas for gifts and I told him all I really wanted was a new rolling pin. (I like to cook and bake) He went to the kitchen shop in town and told them he needed a rolling pin for his wife's birthday and the women working there tried sooo hard to talk him out of it! They told him that if he actually brought me a rolling pin that I'd be likely to whack him over the head with it. He just laughed and said, no, she really actually wants a rolling pin. I got my rolling pin and was thrilled! :-) What can I say, I like practical stuff. 

 

DH on the other hand, is hard to shop for. He likes music gear, expensive stuff. So while I'm excited for a $15 dollar rolling pin, he dreams of a $1900 guitar. I got lucky this year and found a Risk game (his favorite) from the 80's on ebay for Christmas.

 

 

One of the best gifts from DH was my first birthday while we were dating.  He showed up to my house that I had just bought with a Purdy paintbrush.  He handed it to me and told me he would help me paint (I was painting the following weekend).  His mom fervently tried to dissuade him.  I LOVED it!!!!  Cost him $10 and a weekend.  I was over the moon because he had paid attention to what I could really use at the time.  :)  Twelve years later, I am still overly protective of that brush.  :)

[El...]

If you don't want that chocolate, I'll eat it!  My DH is military, and I may or may not get something in the mail from him this week.  If I don't, it isn't his fault; he tries.

 

My husband is a fantastic gift giver.  He gets me things that reflect what I'm doing and what I need.  For Christmas there were fuzzy socks in my stocking, because my feet get too cold lately.  One year at Valentines I got two enormous stock pots because I was learning to can veggies. 

I, on the other hand, am just terrible!  I have a very hard time getting things for him.  Sometimes I can find a movie he enjoyed and didn't buy for himself (yet!), or sneak a peak at his amazon cart, but I struggle.  Fourteen days of giving presents might kill me. 

 

If you are a great gift person, how do you do it?  Exactly?  I want strategies, spreadsheets, whatever you've got.

[Catwoman]

I rest my case.  This thread has gotten mean, frankly.  Not that anyone should be shocked by that.

 

 

How are you "resting your case?" You haven't demonstrated any proof at all. The only person who used words like "materialistic" and "shrew" was you.

 

I don't think the thread has gotten mean. Moxie specifically asked us to be honest, and we were.

 

 

?? I'm not sure what you mean. Nobody has said anything negative about the OP beyond answering her original question about being hard to buy for.

OP, I'm sorry if you think people are being mean. I don't think anyone is intending to be.

:iagree:

 

I have no idea what plansrme is talking about. I guess she was just in the mood to scold someone, as she hasn't really participated in the discussion other than to slap our wrists.

[elegantlion]

One of the best gifts from DH was my first birthday while we were dating.  He showed up to my house that I had just bought with a Purdy paintbrush.  He handed it to me and told me he would help me paint (I was painting the following weekend).  His mom fervently tried to dissuade him.  I LOVED it!!!!  Cost him $10 and a weekend.  I was over the moon because he had paid attention to what I could really use at the time.   :)  Twelve years later, I am still overly protective of that brush.   :)

 

OMG, yes the Purdy paintbrushes get special treatment. My stbexdh keeps his in a special tool box of their own. 

[Garga]

Ah, gifts. This is always a hot topic for the hive.

 

When I was young, I used to disdain thoughtless gifts, like lotion. Oh, I would rant to DH about how impersonal lotion is as a gift and why would anyone bother with it?

 

Fast forward 21 years and I think it's a great gift. It keeps my hands soft and doesn't clutter the house.

 

So, in that scenario, I agree with a PP who said that as we age, what we want changes. When I was young and had nothing, I wanted to get something interesting as a gift. Now I have everything I need, so lotion is a nice useful gift that will get used up and tossed when it's done and won't clutter my house.

 

The first year I became a mother, my DH didn't buy me anything for Mother's Day. I have no idea why. Boy, oh boy, was I hurt. And then, he didn't get my anything for Christmas. And then, he didn't get me anything for my birthday. It was horrible for me. I wouldn't say gifts are my love language, but they're important to me. Not #1 love language important, but maybe they're my 3rd love language.

 

And I have since learned in 21 years of marriage that I need to take this gift giving thing by the horns and get it done the right way so I don't have anymore Years of No Gifts. This means I make a very large gift list. I tell my DH to get me something from the list AND something to surprise me. This may not satisfy the OP. Sounds like she prefers only the "something to surprise me" portion. But all I'm saying to the PP is that she and her DH need to come up with their own way of getting this gift giving thing done the right way for them.

 

I agree that presentation is important for some people. Not everyone, but clearly for the OP. So, she could tell her DH everything she'd told us. "DH, I love surprise gifts. I know most people like lists, but they bother me. I would like it if you just pick something to get for me 'just because.' And DH, it turns out that I love, love, love that special moment when the gift is wrapped in pretty paper and for those few seconds I wonder what's inside and can enjoy the anticipation of tearing off the paper. Whatever you get for me, will you wrap it all up for me? That's such a fun part of receiving a gift!"

 

Now OP--here's the solution I think might work for you: Tell your DH that you like surprise gifts only and no generic gifts. Tell him that the presentation is important, both in how it's wrapped and how he sets time aside to sit by you and watch you open the gift (not just hand it off in it's packing box.)

 

And then add humor to it. Tell him that making a list bothers you but to help him you will say from time to time (as a Previous Poster said,) "Gee! This vacuum is sooooo heavy! Wouldn't it be great to get one as a gift sometime?" And you would say it with good humor and maybe a big, obvious wink-wink.

 

The downside is that doing that might take some of the specialness away, being that you would have told him what to get and he wouldn't have been observant enough to see it on his own, but that's how compromises work. Perhaps if you do that sort of thing long enough, he'll start to think of things like that on his own before you can say it, because it will become a little part of your family culture. He might start to anticipate things you would say would make good gifts before you say them.

[Ausmumof3]

If dh sent me a link to a wallet he wanted I would buy it then...

add a gift card to his favorite coffee place

add a family photo

add a hand written id card "best dad ever" or similar

put in a lucky dollar

 

It would never occur to me to just buy it and hand it over...that's not a gift its doing a favor..."next time you're ordering add that wallet I need, thanks"

 

I might appreciate the favor but not see it as a gift.

You are so sweet... Why do I never think of cool ideas like this

[KungFuPanda]

Hold the phone! I missed this earlier, but the OP has a daughter! It was my experience that the gifts got A LOT more specific to my interests once my daughter got old enough to 'advise' DH. Teen daughters, especially, are amazing at this. Mine knows what products I like, what scents I love and hate, what I need in the kitchen, where I'd like to go, and my sizes and how to dress me. She even follows me in Pinterest, loves to shop, and has been old enough to watch her brother for us to go out for several years now.

 

If the situation seems hopeless, just wait a year or two until one of your children takes on the roll of personal shopper. There's bound to be one in the bunch who will hear your subtle hints and translate them for DH. There's also going to be a kid who is an excellent gift wrapper and loves that whole process.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hold the phone! I missed this earlier, but the OP has a daughter! 

Yes, both dh's and my gift giving has gotten better with my dd's help.  (Though she's better at advising dh, than advising me.)  

[happi duck]

I LOVE giving gifts.  It energizes me to think of special ways to treat my family.  Right now, I'm doing 14 Days of Valentine gifts for DH and the kids and I'm having a lot of fun with it.

 

DH feels bad sometimes because I give many more gifts than I get.  He made a comment to me that I'm "hard to shop for". 

 

Here's my issue--I don't want some generic, thoughtless gift.  If my choices for Valentine's Day are a box of chocolates or nothing, I'll take nothing and be just fine.  Really.  I would rather get no gift then something he picked up at CVS on the way home from work.  To me, that says I'm not worth the effort it takes to put a little thought into it and it annoys me.

 

I really don't think I'm hard to shop for, you just need to put a little bit of thought into it.

 

So, am I too picky?  Be honest!

 

ETA--DH used to give great gifts, he's just gotten lazy as time has gone by, which is fine, it is what it is.  It isn't that he isn't capable.

 

I know you opted out of this thread but I wanted to say I don't think you're hard to shop for.  

 

I am really surprised at where the tone of this thread went.  I think some posts were misunderstandings of the original post and the water got murky right away.  I also think this is just a really big difference between some people.  This board is always a real eye opener!

 

I never felt you even implied that you expect 14 days of gifts or a new vacuum because dh should read your mind.

 

Generic does not equal boring...a generic gift is one that you could hand to almost anyone: your wife, your daughter, your secretary or the little old lady down the street...

 

To me, a generic gift says "I knew I was required to buy you something...so here."  To me that isn't a thoughtful gift.  I too would rather receive nothing in that situation.

 

However, I love if my dh leaves me a note...be it in a card or scrawled on a torn bit of notebook paper.  It gives me a tangible reminder that he's thinking of me.  To me that's more of a gift than something generic that he could hand to anyone.

 

I too don't like to give a list...to me buying me something I could buy myself is doing me a favor, not a gift.  I never got the sense that you expected a specific gift...you were giving examples of what could be noticed.  I was please with the books I received for Christmas from my family.  They were books that I kept checking out of the library over and over again and apparently they noticed.  I felt noticed and cared about.

 

I hope you and your husband can talk.  With my dh I asked him to correspond in writing with me more often and he agreed but didn't follow through.  We talked about it and he wasn't writing because he felt like it wasn't enough unless he wrote pages and pages.  We cleared that up and now we write back and forth in a tiny notebook and he knows that he can just write a line or two even if I write more.  Hopefully you and your dh can clear up any misconceptions.  

 

Sorry for rambling...

 

:grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

I am really surprised at where the tone of this thread went.  I think some posts were misunderstandings of the original post and the water got murky right away.  I also think this is just a really big difference between some people.  

 

I noticed two things in the OP and the subsequent responses that I think led to the direction of the responses in this thread:

 

One was the way Moxie's dh feels about gift-giving, in the OP. He feels bad and he thinks she's hard to shop for, which implies (to me, and I acknowledge I may be reading in more than is there) that he's not feeling successful in this area.

 

The second was the responses given by Moxie, in which there is very little acknowledgement that this is difficult for her dh too. Most of the responses indicate that her dh needs to change his gift-giving behavior, and that he should know by now how to do that without explicit communication from her.

 

I think the basic message that I'm reading in this thread to the OP is that if the dh is feeling unsuccessful, then there needs to be some give on Moxie's part too. I don't think it's that her expectations around gift-giving are completely unreasonable, it's the lack of willingness to be flexible in coming up with a solution that will work for both. No list, no communication. He's just supposed to figure it out on his own what to notice and what Moxie would find meaningful. For example, many people think of a g.c. as a generic gift; Moxie says she'd love an Amazon g.c., which is fine (and easy!) but her dh may not realize she feels this way if she doesn't tell him.

 

FWIW, my dh said he would NEVER give a vacuum for a gift (Moxie's example) unless specifically asked because he thinks I'm special and giving a household necessity is not special.  He would think "Gee, my wife is really strong, that's cool," when he saw me lugging a vacuum up the stairs, not "Gee, my wife needs a lighter vacuum." Not saying Moxie's dh thinks the same way, just that different people really do think differently even when they've been married for several years. (He thinks chocolates are special, btw. So I buy him chocolates for his birthday even though I think it's kind of a generic gift. :P )

 

Happi duck, it sounds like you resolved your differences by communicating clearly about your needs. That's the main message to Moxie that I read over and over in this thread. Find a way to communicate instead of being disappointed over and over. Neither party has a chance to be satisfied in that scenario.

 

Cat

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

Happi duck, it sounds like you resolved your differences by communicating clearly about your needs. That's the main message to Moxie that I read over and over in this thread. Find a way to communicate instead of being disappointed over and over. Neither party has a chance to be satisfied in that scenario.

 

 

Yup.  For me, what I got out of the thread is the feeling of expectation.  I am Moxie's husband (not literally! :lol: ) - but my gifts are hit and miss and most often miss.  I have given a hit or two and I don't know how I did it.  I just happened to hit on it.  When I do give a hit, I'm over the moon with pleasure because I did it!  I finally did what others find so easy to do!  But then I'm filled with angst because I don't know how to hit it out of the park again next time.  Gift giving is so stressful for me and yet I give, not because I "have" to but because I love him.  The message that I should just not give anything at all would be like a slap in the face to me because it would mean that even my attempts (which might not mean a lot to others but are true attempts) were rejected.  

[Moxie]

Yup. For me, what I got out of the thread is the feeling of expectation. I am Moxie's husband (not literally! :lol: ) - but my gifts are hit and miss and most often miss. I have given a hit or two and I don't know how I did it. I just happened to hit on it. When I do give a hit, I'm over the moon with pleasure because I did it! I finally did what others find so easy to do! But then I'm filled with angst because I don't know how to hit it out of the park again next time. Gift giving is so stressful for me and yet I give, not because I "have" to but because I love him. The message that I should just not give anything at all would be like a slap in the face to me because it would mean that even my attempts (which might not mean a lot to others but are true attempts) were rejected.

Omg. Can we drop this idea that I'm looking for the A-1, knock-her-socks-off, most perfect gift ever?!? What I said was that I don't want a generic gift. If you can't spend 5 minutes thinking about it, don't bother. No harm done.

And, I want to add, DH and I have talked about gifts several times in 15 years. He knows I like practical and he knows I don't mind gc's.

Good grief, people, this isn't some stupid sitcom with two bumbling idiots. No one is crying or going to bed angry or even having any hard feelings. It really is just a comment DH made that I disagree with.

[myfunnybunch]

 It really is just a comment DH made that I disagree with.

 

You asked "Be honest--am I hard to shop for?"

 

Several posters answered yes and told you why they felt that way. Many people agree with your husband's comment based on the information you shared in this thread.

 

Many posters then shared their own experiences and feelings around gift-giving. Not all of those experiences are directly reflective of you and your wants.

 

No responses to the OP have mentioned bumbling idiots, crying, or going to bed angry.

 

We all might learn a little about other perspectives and experiences with gift-giving if we read the thread with an open mind. I know I have, so thanks to the people who responded openly.

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good grief, people, this isn't some stupid sitcom with two bumbling idiots. No one is crying or going to bed angry or even having any hard feelings. It really is just a comment DH made that I disagree with.

You realize that we are talking about gift giving in general, our experiences with it (both positive and negative) and in some cases, what we've found has helped?  I'm not expecting  to understand you and your gift desires perfectly or your relationship with your husband, so I hope you don't expect that from me either.  I do expect you to read our stories and experiences and to find out what works for you and to just throw out what might not work.  Hopefully others who read this will do the same and it might help multiple people.  I know that it already has helped me to read many of these replies.

[Catwoman]

Omg. Can we drop this idea that I'm looking for the A-1, knock-her-socks-off, most perfect gift ever?!? What I said was that I don't want a generic gift. If you can't spend 5 minutes thinking about it, don't bother. No harm done.

And, I want to add, DH and I have talked about gifts several times in 15 years. He knows I like practical and he knows I don't mind gc's.

Good grief, people, this isn't some stupid sitcom with two bumbling idiots. No one is crying or going to bed angry or even having any hard feelings. It really is just a comment DH made that I disagree with.

I don't think you realize that your posts have sounded quite resentful toward your dh. You really do sound angry about it.

 

I may be totally off-base with this, but when you titled your post with, "Be honest," I think you expected everyone to agree with you, and you weren't expecting so many of us to view the situation from your dh's point of view.

 

You asked people to be honest and we were, but it seems like you have outright rejected almost every single suggestion anyone has tried to make, and your posts have primarily been defensive in nature.

 

You think you're right and it's pretty clear that nothing anyone posts will change your mind. As I said in an earlier post, you really should have made this a JAWM thread, and you would have received the support you wanted without the constructive advice you didn't really want to hear.

[Mrs Mungo]

ETA: can it be that you basically have everything? Some years, my very thoughtful DH can come up with a surprise idea. Other years, there really is nothing I could possibly need, and he is stumped. And the same is true for me: some years I can see a need before he discovered that this is something he wants (and buys himself), some years there is nothing. So, then I get him something "generic" that I know he will use and enjoy, but that simply is not special - and we are OK with that.

This is true for us too. Neither of us are *huge* gift people. But, my dh shows his appreciation for me in many ways other than gift giving. Is the issue really with gifts only or feeling unappreciated in general?

 

Some years one or the other of us has the perfect gift. Other years we settle for something more genetic or something different like a planning an outing together. I have definitely given him lists. Other years, he has said, "what would you like for x" and I have said, "oh, I already ordered my gift!" I can see that it wouldn't work for everyone, because it definitely seems like some people have high expectations.

[JustEm]

I'd just like to say that after reading this last night, while at the grocery store I  bought my dh his favorite cereal (we do not EVER keep cereal in the house.) We don't even celebrate Valentine's Day. 

[JustEm]

To OP,  I don't think you are hard to shop for.  From all your posts it just sounds like you have too high of an expectation and an unrealistic idea of what your dh should know about what you expect.  For me I know that if my dh told me he wanted a wallet and I got it for him just to have him be upset about receiving it, I would not have any idea what to do about the next gift giving day.  I would probably worry about it until the day before or the day of and end up getting some generic gift out of fear of complete failure again.  Because of course actually getting nothing is not an option.

[happi duck]

...Happi duck, it sounds like you resolved your differences by communicating clearly about your needs. That's the main message to Moxie that I read over and over in this thread. Find a way to communicate instead of being disappointed over and over. Neither party has a chance to be satisfied in that scenario...

 

I agree that communicating is important.  I think on these long threads different things pop out to different people...I'll admit the only things that popped out to me were people saying 'give him a list' and 'buy your own gifts' which isn't the root of the issue.

 

I would be sad if my dh said I was hard to shop for because gifts are an important sign of affection for me...it would be as harsh as 'it's hard to kiss you'.

 

The condensed version of my rambling post up-thread would be "No, you're not hard to shop for!  That said, I hope you and your dh can talk about the ways you give and receive affection so you can work it out.  I've btdt and it was eye opening."

[happi duck]

...Because of course actually getting nothing is not an option.

 

This has not been said on this thread.

[Susan C.]

Gosh, I'm scared to post.... ;)

 

I don't think she is difficult. She just wants him to notice what she likes. And listen to her, and catch hints. And get her something (anything) that he knows (because he was looking to know) that she likes. Now, if she said she wanted a new car, specific make and model, but wouldn't tell him, that would be difficult. :D

 

We've had the same problem here, in fact, dh will usually say the day before a birthday, Christmas, etc. that he didn't get me anything because I didn't tell him what to get...  What is helping, although s l o w l y is for me to put a few perimeters out there. After the Christmas where we spent Christmas eve shopping for me (and didn't find anything), then buying Christmas eve dinner at 7 pm, to eat at 9, then to wrap all night... I said that would never happen again. And I meant it. Panic is for a week or two before. So, a few "hints" that last minute is no fun, that no one wants to spend their special day waiting for the other to "throw" everything, that yucky last minute candy is, well, yucky, it has caused a few questions to come my way before the event.  I've already been asked what I'd like to do for Valentine's day... and yes, he forgot that I don't like going out on that night (too many people at the same time and long waits, and yes, we spent 3 hours on a Mother's Day years ago waiting for a table and we all about died of low blood sugar..). So I said what I would like. At some point, he may be able to figure that out on his own, maybe. But I'm happy he asked before the actual date. Anyway, last Christmas. Every time I saw something I wanted... I ordered it. I've been several occasions with not much given to me... I racked up a Blendtec, a juicer, a new hand vac. We count those partly as "house gifts" since everyone uses them, but they make my life easier, so I'm happy. Dh was happy I was finding things I wanted. I said "Blendtec for a good price!!" He said "order it if you want it." I mentioned that I loved my little lemon tree, and the lemons that made wonderful lemonade, but they were gone. So he went and got me a second lemon tree on his own. He looked quite proud of himself carrying it in on Christmas. And that is the joy of giving and receiving.

 

So anyway, the thing that started things in a better direction was to speak up. I said I throw hints, just listen. He caught a few of the hints. I also said I don't like last minute. I also say if I change what my favorite candy/restaurant/etc. is. More than once. And I say that I love surprises, and since I try to get at least one surprise for everyone (with things they know they are getting), it would be nice to have a surprise too. Dd went out in under an hour, got me 2 necklaces, and my favorite cookie at Panera, and a gift card to my favorite restaurant to be from her and ds (see, the guys get the gals to help out...).  I liked it all. I didn't have to do anything to make it happen. Win.

 

So speak up, throw hints, don't mind having to "train" your family in gift giving.

[Mrs Mungo]

This has not been said on this thread.

If *I* was her dh, and she was annoyed that I bought her a wallet that she asked for because it required little effort, then *I* wouldn't believe that getting nothing was an honest preference. I would believe she would be even more mad if I made no effort whatsoever and purchased nothing. Just my perspective.

 

For the record, my family makes amazon lists titled things like "please do not buy me that Sarah Palin book" or "I do *not* want a Yanni CD." Because we threaten each other like that. ;) LOL

 

My middle sister just had a birthday. She had an amazon list. My other sister and I went in together to buy her a better version of something that was on her list. She was happy. :)

[Catwoman]

If *I* was her dh, and she was annoyed that I bought her a wallet that she asked for because it required little effort, then *I* wouldn't believe that getting nothing was an honest preference. I would believe she would be even more mad if I made no effort whatsoever and purchased nothing. Just my perspective.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Realistically, although she said that she would rather receive nothing than to receive a gift that hadn't required any thought, that made no sense whatsoever, because no gift at all would be the ultimate demonstration of no thought and no effort, while any gift would require more thought and effort from her dh than not buying anything for her.

 

I thought the "I'd rather get nothing at all" statements sounded more like pouting than like a real preference, given the fact that she is upset about not getting the "right" gifts.

 

I mean, seriously, she's all upset because her dh isn't a mind reader who is able to figure out the perfect gifts for her, so clearly gifts do matter to her. If he didn't buy her anything, I can't imagine that she wouldn't be angry about it. It simply doesn't make sense, given her posts to this thread. 

 

I think everyone here is all in favor of Moxie getting great gifts from her dh. We only differ from her in that we think she shouldn't expect him to choose the right things without some guidance from her, while she thinks he should somehow just magically know what to buy.

[Alice]

I think the answer to the original question is that “Yes, you are hard to buy for†for your husband. It seems that you are taking him comment as saying you are too picky or too difficult. You ascribe his difficulty in buying for you to laziness or just not making an effort. I don’t know either of you so I’m not sure what is true. And I don’t think it really matters. It’s clear that he has a hard time buying gifts for you. For whatever reason. Your pickiness, his laziness, his cluelessness, just different personalities, etc. After 15 years, it’s not likely to change. It seems that you have two choices:

 

1) Continue the status quo. You say you aren’t bothered by it that much, so that might be fine. However, it bothered you enough to post about it so I would guess that it bugs you at least a little.

 

2) Figure out a way to help him give you better gifts. You say you’ve communicated to him what you wanted so that didn’t work. I think making a list is a good idea for many of the reasons here but also for one not mentioned: I think it would help him learn to be a better gift giver. If you had an Amazon wishlist or Pinterest board or some other place where you just added things you liked/wanted  than he might start getting an idea of what you consider a good gift. Yes, I get that you don’t like lists. I’m the same way but I’ve learned their use. And if you added to it all the time instead of just handing him a paper before a holiday it would be less of a “buy something off of here†and more of a list of general ideas. 

 

One more gift giving story that may or may not be helpful...

I’m an introvert. Dh is an extrovert. For years I knew that the perfect gift for me would be a weekend away alone somewhere. I felt a little guilty asking for it though and really wanted dh to think of it himself. I felt like if he did it would mean he’d “get†me. Finally, for my 40th birthday I told him that’s what I wanted, 24 hours alone in a hotel to read and just be alone. He was happy to give it to me. But when I admitted I’d been hoping he’d suggest it for awhile he said he’d never ever have thought of it. In his words “I’m glad you’re happy but it’s  a completely weird idea.†

 

I think your dh should work harder to give you gifts that mean something to you. It’s obviously important to you. But I think you probably need to work harder to help him. 

[Alice]

Gosh, I'm scared to post.... ;)

 

I don't think she is difficult. She just wants him to notice what she likes. And listen to her, and catch hints. And get her something (anything) that he knows (because he was looking to know) that she likes. Now, if she said she wanted a new car, specific make and model, but wouldn't tell him, that would be difficult. :D

 

We've had the same problem here, in fact, dh will usually say the day before a birthday, Christmas, etc. that he didn't get me anything because I didn't tell him what to get...  What is helping, although s l o w l y is for me to put a few perimeters out there. After the Christmas where we spent Christmas eve shopping for me (and didn't find anything), then buying Christmas eve dinner at 7 pm, to eat at 9, then to wrap all night... I said that would never happen again. And I meant it. Panic is for a week or two before. So, a few "hints" that last minute is no fun, that no one wants to spend their special day waiting for the other to "throw" everything, that yucky last minute candy is, well, yucky, it has caused a few questions to come my way before the event.  I've already been asked what I'd like to do for Valentine's day... and yes, he forgot that I don't like going out on that night (too many people at the same time and long waits, and yes, we spent 3 hours on a Mother's Day years ago waiting for a table and we all about died of low blood sugar..). So I said what I would like. At some point, he may be able to figure that out on his own, maybe. But I'm happy he asked before the actual date. Anyway, last Christmas. Every time I saw something I wanted... I ordered it. I've been several occasions with not much given to me... I racked up a Blendtec, a juicer, a new hand vac. We count those partly as "house gifts" since everyone uses them, but they make my life easier, so I'm happy. Dh was happy I was finding things I wanted. I said "Blendtec for a good price!!" He said "order it if you want it." I mentioned that I loved my little lemon tree, and the lemons that made wonderful lemonade, but they were gone. So he went and got me a second lemon tree on his own. He looked quite proud of himself carrying it in on Christmas. And that is the joy of giving and receiving.

 

So anyway, the thing that started things in a better direction was to speak up. I said I throw hints, just listen. He caught a few of the hints. I also said I don't like last minute. I also say if I change what my favorite candy/restaurant/etc. is. More than once. And I say that I love surprises, and since I try to get at least one surprise for everyone (with things they know they are getting), it would be nice to have a surprise too. Dd went out in under an hour, got me 2 necklaces, and my favorite cookie at Panera, and a gift card to my favorite restaurant to be from her and ds (see, the guys get the gals to help out...).  I liked it all. I didn't have to do anything to make it happen. Win.

 

So speak up, throw hints, don't mind having to "train" your family in gift giving.

 

I think your post is great. It’s a great example of what I was trying to say, a way to train someone to be better at something that is important to you. 

 

I’ll disagree with the bolded though. I have someone in my life (not dh) who is exactly this way. She thinks she’s “easy to buy for†and that she just wants “something that shows you are thinking of meâ€. But from my perspective she is really really difficult to buy for, because she cares so much about the emotional meaning behind the gift. I would find it easier if this person said “give me this expensive item†than “oh, I don't care what you give me, just some little thing that shows you love meâ€. But like I said in my post, I think it’s not really about if a person is hard to buy for but whether or not it’s hard for the person buying that matters. 

 

One more funny gift giving story: 

My grandmother met my grandfather in Paris during WWII. She was Parisian, he was a soldier. He then had to go back to England for a bit and she knew he had an English girlfriend there (apparently there was also an Italian girl...he was quite the charmer). He asked my grandmother if he could bring her anything back and she told him a book. She told me that she said a book on purpose because she knew he’d have to think about what kind of book and that would mean he’d be thinking about her the whole time he was in England and not thinking about his English girl. 

 

He did bring her a book, on Napoleon and Josephine. 

 

She told me this story after 50 years of marriage. So sometimes being a difficult person to buy for can work for you. :)

[myfunnybunch]

For the record, my family makes amazon lists titled things like "please do not buy me that Sarah Palin book" or "I do *not* want a Yanni CD." Because we threaten each other like that. ;) LOL

 

:lol:

 

In our family, it's the singing fish. As in, "Give me some ideas. Do not say 'Oh, I'll be happy with anything!' If you say that I will buy you the singing fish. I want to see it on the wall when I visit so my kids can play with it over and over and over again."

 

So far, my family has come up with lovely ideas, gifts we've enjoyed shopping for and giving. One of these days, I will buy my sister the singing fish anyway, just because it would make her laugh. Except maybe if I do that, I will end up with a  singing fish myself....hmmm....I might want to rethink that one.

 

Another (serious) tactic that has worked has been when someone does choose a successful gift, we say something along the lines of, "I really enjoyed xyz. I'd love to receive more gifts like that."

 

Cat

[JustEm]

This has not been said on this thread.

OP said she would rather get nothing than get a generic thoughtless gift picked up on the way home from work.  My point was that for me.  If I felt rejected by the thought I put into a previous gift I would end up waiting last minute to get a gift out of anxiety and fear of messing up again.  That gift would by default either be the generic CVS gift or nothing.  But for me getting nothing would not be an option as I know my dh would be just as upset over nothing than some generic gift (if he were the type to get upset over something like that.)