Dmmetler Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 DD has her birthday party in a couple of weeks. She sent out invitations about a month ago and is very excited about it. I saw a post on FB go by yesterday about a party one of the queen bee types at dance (who was invited to DD's party) is having-the same day/time as DD's. The child's birthday was in early October. Today I got three cancellations in my inbox from some of the parents of the girls DD dances with. Apparently, this other girls' party trumps DD's. I don't look forward to telling her this. But I'd better before this weeks dance class, because I'm pretty sure QB will mention it. Fortunately, there are enough kids in our HS group that she'll still have people at her party, but it's still going to hurt her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hugs to you and your dd. SHAME on those parents for letting their girls cancel. It sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I hope your dd has a fabulous party!! Tell her happy birthday from her WTM aunties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Dd invited the queen bee, and her parents scheduled their party for the same day and time?? I wouldn't let this one slide. In your shoes, I would call the parents in question and gently ask them about it. It's unbelievably rude to schedule a competing event in which the same set of friends will be invited. They should have tried for a different day or time. Shame on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Had the kids accepted in the first place and then cancelled, or you are just now getting responses? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 If my kid received an invitation to a party on the same day when I'd been planning to have his/her party and I knew the guest list was likely to overlap significantly, I'd try to talk to the other mom to figure out some way around the issue (change one of the dates, combine parties, etc.) That's just basic manners IMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I'm sorry for your daughter, that rots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Dd invited the queen bee, and her parents scheduled their party for the same day and time?? I wouldn't let this one slide. In your shoes, I would call the parents in question and gently ask them about it. It's unbelievably rude to schedule a competing event in which the same set of friends will be invited. They should have tried for a different day or time. Shame on them. The parents might have already booked the venue but just not gotten around to sending the invites yet. I can see where there might be an honest mistake. However, not talking to the first child's parents about how to resolve the issue *IS* rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 The three girls accepted the invitation? And then cancelled? Wow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ripley Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I go back and forth between being grateful that people have shown their true colors and feeling offended/hurt/angry about people having shown their true colors. I guess there's always the silver lining but it's never enough to lessen the sting, is it? The next dance class will be a challenge to get through, but she's lucky her mom is there to guide her through it. It seems like some of the other dance girls are not as lucky, for their parents seem to be guiding them through social politics instead of social niceties. (But then again, better a cancellation than a party attendee whose parents forced her to a party she'd didn't want to come to. I'm ashamed to say I was that brat at one elementary school party. Amazingly enough that birthday girl and I became good friends later in the year, and are still very close friends to this day - twenty odd years later!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom31257 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I'm so sorry! From what I hear, dance must be one of the roughest place for girls (and moms). My dd was bullied by a girl at church, so homeschooling doesn't do away with the mean girl stuff. Unfortunately, it's everywhere. I just really don't get where it comes from and why. Why don't parents intervene more to keep girls from being mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 Yes, these were kids who had accepted. DD has not been invited to the other girls' party yet, so the only reason I know about it is FB conversations and the phone/emails from parents that their child isn't coming (and two mentioned that the "something that came up" was indeed this other child's party, assuming DD would be invited). I can't change DD's-hers is at a nature/science center where you have to book pretty far in advance. I'm just glad DD's social circle is bigger than dance. Honestly, if it wasn't that I'm sure the girls will talk about it at dance, I wouldn't bother telling her. With a birthday that's always within thanksgiving week, DD is used to having people who can't make it to her parties because Grandma is arriving at the airport or whatever. We ended up setting it a week earlier than normal this year because the Nature center is closed the weekend closest to her birthday, but there still will be people who can't make it for a variety of reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I would send a note to the mother and express your disappointment that she planned a party for the same date and time as your DD's. Maybe she didn't realize there was a conflict? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the girl intentionally did this on her own to be mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I do try to live by the rule "Never apply malice when stupidity will suffice." It is entirely possible that this was an innocent oversight. I would call the other mother and ask. Point blank -calling to discuss the fact that you scheduled your dd's party for the same date and time as my dd's party. Did x forget to show you the invitation when she got it at dance last month?" If the other mother is a normal human being she will be properly aghast and start seeking a solution to the problem. If she is a horrible adult mean girl then she will say something along the lines of "Oh, sorry. Didn't realize it. That is too bad my special snowflake will be unable to attend your special snowflakes party" As for the mom's who cancelled for the other party-shame on them for teaching their daughters that it is okay to back out on a commitment when a perceived better offer comes along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 This kind of thing happens everywhere, dance, homeschool groups, church groups .... It is very painful. i'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Mean girl stuff does happen everywhere. And it doesn't necessarily stop when you aren't a girl anymore. I agree it is better to know people's true colors and move on without them. I think that it is a skill that, unfortunately, all women have to use at some point. I hope your daughter has a wonderful party, with her true friends that want to celebrate with her. :grouphug: to you, it's hard to have to watch your girl in that situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Reading this made me so sad for your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Those aren't friends worth having. I tell my daughter that good character defines good friends. I know it is a disappointment that some girls won't be attending & that their cancellation is due to another party. That hurts. But I would rather a few good friends come to my daughter's celebration than a house full of kids that don't treat her well. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I don't really think it is rude for two events to be scheduled on the same day. Stuff like that happens sometimes. I wouldn't necessarily assume it was planned after the other invites went out.*However* it is extremely rude to back out of a planned event if/when you get a better offer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I don't really think it is rude for two events to be scheduled on the same day. Stuff like that happens sometimes. I wouldn't necessarily assume it was planned after the other invites went out. *However* it is extremely rude to back out of a planned event if/when you get a better offer. While I agree with this, if I realized I was going to need to hold my party on the same date as another party we had been invited to and would have guest list overlap with, I would pick up the phone and call the parent giving the other party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Well, I think it is sad for your DD but also gives her an idea of whom are her close friends. In life we have aquaintances and we have friends and at times those lines blur and we may confuse an aquaintance as a true friend. When in reality, they were just there because they had to be or it was convenient. True friends will make the effort and will attend the party. I don't think calling any mothers will solve this issue and will only make things even more awkward for your DD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 How rude, I hope your daughter's feelings aren't too hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Did your daughter invite "Queen Bee" to her party? Maybe QB didn't know or did know and Mom was peeved at the lack of invite? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Did your daughter invite "Queen Bee" to her party? Maybe QB didn't know or did know and Mom was peeved at the lack of invite? I wondered the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 QB was invited. both via a physical invitation and via an invite-only FB event, and mom was specifically on that list. At best, DD's party didn't register as important on QB/mom's radar. And that doesn't count the folks who RSVP'd to me-and then pulled out specifically because of the QB's party. The QB might have honestly been oversight. The other just smacks of middle school girl tactics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 QB was invited. both via a physical invitation and via an invite-only FB event, and mom was specifically on that list. At best, DD's party didn't register as important on QB/mom's radar. And that doesn't count the folks who RSVP'd to me-and then pulled out specifically because of the QB's party. The QB might have honestly been oversight. The other just smacks of middle school girl tactics. Oh my, that makes it doubly rotten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 At best, DD's party didn't register as important on QB/mom's radar. Which, honestly, I could see. We recently had a party scheduled for a date that there was another party scheduled. We already had it set, but our invite went out after the other invite. We did *not* invite people that we knew were invited to the other party, but I see how it could happen in other circles. And that doesn't count the folks who RSVP'd to me-and then pulled out specifically because of the QB's party. THAT is the inexcusably rude bit to me. THEY are the super rude ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I think I remember you talking about that dance class before. It sounds awful. Come to our studio. Your DD and my DD can dance together. My DS would LOVE to talk snakes with your DD afterwards too. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 QB was invited. both via a physical invitation and via an invite-only FB event, and mom was specifically on that list. At best, DD's party didn't register as important on QB/mom's radar. And that doesn't count the folks who RSVP'd to me-and then pulled out specifically because of the QB's party. The QB might have honestly been oversight. The other just smacks of middle school girl tactics. oh that is extremely rude, both qb's mom scheduling the party then and especially the girls who RSVP'ed yes to you and then canceled. wow, I can't imagine that level of rudeness toward little girls - how awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Yes, these were kids who had accepted. That is unbelievably rude. I am sorry for your DD. Sadly enough, I found that homeschooling can bring out the worst of queen bee behavior, exacerbated by the fact that the parents are more involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinsomeCreek Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Unfortunately, we have dealt with too much mean girl, queen bee behavior. And it's the moms I'm talking about. Assume the best. Inquire without suspicion. But in the end, there's no getting around that the girls who cancelled were rude. It really is the quality of the kids at the party that matters, not the quantity. I hope you guys have a great birthday party! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Are you kidding me?! My goodness, that is so rude of those girls to cancel. And I'm a little suspicious of the party being scheduled for the same date. I hope your dd has a fabulous time regardless. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 I can't comment on whether QB's mom planned the parties to overlap- it may have been unintentional. But the three moms who accepted your dd's party invite and then backed out? No, that one I'd call them on. Because if you don't say something, their behavior just continues. You don't want them to make their kids attend your dd's party, but you do want to let them know that their behavior did not go unnoticed. You can word it in the kindest way possible, but still get your message across. Oh, sorry little Susie won't be attending dd's party. Dd was happy to hear Susie had accepted the party invite but then sad to learn Susie was going to QB's party instead. I hope your dd has a great party! I do NOT miss the antics of queen bees and their mothers. One of the best parts of being done raising kids is being done with that part of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 You can word it in the kindest way possible, but still get your message across. Oh, sorry little Susie won't be attending dd's party. Dd was happy to hear Susie had accepted the party invite but then sad to learn Susie was going to QB's party instead. I just had a sudden flashback to Julie Andrews as Maria in The Sound of Music, thanking the children at the dinner table for their warm welcome. Yeah, make 'em cry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Even if QB had scheduled the party already & just sent the invites out afterward, she could have at least told you. When they received the invite from you, she should have messaged you on FB explaining they already had a party scheduled that same day and time, etc. It really would have been understandable - things happen. But imo, QB seemed rude to not even acknowledge that to you. The other girls that accepted the invite already & later backed out are ill-mannered, as are their parents for allowing them to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 The sad thing is that the only reason DD is dancing this year is because she wanted to be with her "friends". She prefers cheer and tumbling to dance, but she didn't want to lose that group. Guess that ship has sailed.... I can handle being saccharine sweet to the moms-I'm just worried about how class will go for DD until after the party dates have passed and it's old news. That's a lot to put on a kid who's just turning 9. I also have to say-I wonder how it's going to go for one of DD's friends who has NOT cancelled. She's already been a target at times in the past, and even if DD is able to blow off comments on her own behalf, she is likely to totally lose it if she sees her friend is being hurt-DD has a strong "defending the underdog" streak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathy in Richmond Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 So sorry that you have to experience this! The cancelling one invitation for another stinks & is just plain rude. We found that the mean girl behavior started about that age & correlated strongly to mean moms. There's a book called Queen Bee Moms by Rosalind Wiseman that helped me a little bit to understand what was going on at that stage. My dd also has a Thanksgiving week birthday, and she was also in dance for years & years, so I get it. Please look into summer programs for that special daughter of yours one of these days. Friends made through math camps & such literally saved my dd and got us through the rough times locally. I hope that her party is super special!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 What a rotten situation. I'm so sorry for your dd, and for you, too, because you're stuck dealing with those moms. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 What a lot of wise caring advice given here! I am proud to know you ladies, :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 We found that the mean girl behavior started about that age & correlated strongly to mean moms. That has been our experience as well, except that it was swim for us. And no, it isn't hard to figure out where the girls learn this behavior--the witchy moms have the witchy girls. The husbands/dads are sometimes perfectly lovely, but for whatever reason, this trait gets passed mom to daughter. Quite the legacy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I'm so sorry your DD has to go through this. :grouphug: I agree that having the same date is most likely an oversight, but the other girls / parents cancelling is beyond rude. Sadly, they are not her friends, in the true sense of the word. Long term she's better off, but it must hurt so much. I'm hurting for your sweet DD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranquility7 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Ohhh, I really hate stuff like that. That is so sad.... I'm sorry you and your DD are going through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I have to say, I would have not been able to keep my mouth shut if a mom actually admitted to me that after RSVPing they were cancelling in order to attend a different event. There is no excuse for that behavior and I would not let them get out of it thinking it was all hunky-dory. I would let them know that I was surprised and saddened they would do something that inconsiderate and hurtful. Yes, I realize it might not change anything, but it still needs to be said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I have to say, I would have not been able to keep my mouth shut if a mom actually admitted to me that after RSVPing they were cancelling in order to attend a different event. There is no excuse for that behavior and I would not let them get out of it thinking it was all hunky-dory. I would let them know that I was surprised and saddened they would do something that inconsiderate and hurtful. Yes, I realize it might not change anything, but it still needs to be said. ^^ This, exactly. I'm so sorry your daughter has to deal with flaky daughters of inconsiderate moms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thewaka Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 I don't know how I would handle this if I were you, but I always think your daughter sounds delightful and I can't imagine choosing another event over her party. I am so sorry she has to deal with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Yes, these were kids who had accepted. DD has not been invited to the other girls' party yet, so the only reason I know about it is FB conversations and the phone/emails from parents that their child isn't coming (and two mentioned that the "something that came up" was indeed this other child's party, assuming DD would be invited). I can't change DD's-hers is at a nature/science center where you have to book pretty far in advance. I'm just glad DD's social circle is bigger than dance. Honestly, if it wasn't that I'm sure the girls will talk about it at dance, I wouldn't bother telling her. With a birthday that's always within thanksgiving week, DD is used to having people who can't make it to her parties because Grandma is arriving at the airport or whatever. We ended up setting it a week earlier than normal this year because the Nature center is closed the weekend closest to her birthday, but there still will be people who can't make it for a variety of reasons. <Hugs> It is really not right to accept an invitation then change your mind because something better came up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Hugs to both you and your dd. I would say to coach your dd on how to behave AFTER the parties. She will probably hear how incredibly fun the other party was, and if the girls are truly mean girls, they will all gush about it, which may be hard to handle. Prepare her. Tell her how to smile sweetly and say something like, "It sounds like a really fun time! Mine was fun, too! Too bad we couldn't have all gone to both. Maybe next year we can schedule them better." THEN WALK AWAY. You will probably hear the same gushing from the parents--same "advice" for what to say to your parent friends, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 The three girls accepted the invitation? And then cancelled? Wow! This!!!!! These moms are something else! Wow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Things like this are why I avoid having parties. Too much potential for hurt feelings. It is hard, now that the kids are older, to avoid going to other people's parties. Recently, my kids were at a birthday party where several kids were discussing another upcoming party, and on the way home my dd asked whether we were going to that party. When I told her we weren't invited, she said, "But so-and-so is my friend," and I could see she was confused as to why she wasn't invited. There is a group of girls who have kind-of set the social tone this year, and they don't include everyone and aren't shy about making that known. It's really sad, because up till now everyone has always been friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted November 5, 2013 Author Share Posted November 5, 2013 In fairness, I can honestly see that some of the girls might prefer someone else's party to my DD's, because my DD's party is focused on native wildlife, conservation, and habitat preservation, with a strong focus on things that have scales. The program the kids will be doing is the same thing they'd do for a group of scouts working on a badge. It's not a typical birthday party, but is VERY DD. I can see, though, that girls who prefer getting together and giving each other manicures, gossipping, and bouncing around to Justin Bieber might be less than thrilled about DD's plans. And that's fine-just send your regrets up front. They may regret it later, though. Most of the dance girls are pretty boy-crazy, and DD's science friends aren't limited to girls ;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 They may regret it later, though. Most of the dance girls are pretty boy-crazy, and DD's science friends aren't limited to girls ;). Now THAT is hysterical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.