Tammyla Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 :grouphug: Rose, we're thinking of you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Just bumping this a little, hoping for an update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OK Family Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 :grouphug: Rose, we're thinking of you. Yes many hugs for you Rose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Thinking of you guys! Have you heard anything from your son? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 I don't have much to report. I'm getting a funny/sinking feeling though ...he's not in a rush to come home it seems. :(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Oh, Sweetie. He loves you. He will come home. He will love you again and be your sweet boy. I've been praying for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 ((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways. But we told him every day that we love him and we're his forever family through thick and thin. On a neat side note our dd also adopted, went on a youth trip four provinces over. The group went to do volunteer work. On her first day she texted saying "mom you'll never guess what job I got. Working with FASD adults! I was raised to do this...literally." (We have two FASD kids.). How awesome is her attitude! Btw my sisters and best friend agree with your comments that the longer he's the there the more likely he'll get a taste of reality. Or maybe he'll love his new reality. :( 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Rose Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I agree that it's a good idea for him to stay past the honeymoon. He isn't going to like it better. There is a reason he was available for adoption. If his Birth Mom is unstable, he'll know it. Kids long for stability. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Rose, I'm just seeing your thread tonight, and I wanted to send you some hugs!!! Please, whatever you do, don't start looking for reasons to blame yourself for any mistakes you've made over the years. We have all made mistakes with our kids, but Rose, I know from your posts that you are a great mom, and that everything you have done for your ds has been done with his very best interest in mind. So please don't second-guess yourself or put yourself down. You don't deserve that. Praying that your sweet boy sees past the initial excitement of meeting his bio mom and that he gets a chance to see "the real her," when she drops her guard and stops being on her best behavior. Because it's going to happen. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways. :grouphug: . We all stumbled along the way as the parents and learn from our mistake. I don't think anyone can honestly say they did everything right 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Rose - hugs and prayers for you. I just want to add that if he does love the new reality - if he can function and manage amidst chaos, with people he's barely met, a long way from home - then you and your husband have done an AMAZING job raising him. Many parent hope for that in children much older. You are amazing. Keep praying. Stay strong. We're here for you! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I have no wisdom, only :grouphug: . Stay strong Mama, you are loved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Rose I agree with Everyone and especially Cat and Patty Joanna. She will,show her true colors. The proof that her true colors aren't pretty is the whole way she handled him finding her on FB. If she had changed or matured or was otherwise now fit she would have respected his PARENTS enough to go through them and set the meeting up totally different. He will be ok. But I really really feel,for you. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Remember, you're dealing with RAD and FASD here. It's easy for him to swoop into a situation and just be, but to form a connection and bond, birthmom is going to have to work, just like you guys did, and my money is on that she's not going to put in the time. Obviously, people change and grow over time, but from what you've shared about the birthmom, I don't think she's there. It doesn't mean she won't mature enough to form a healthy connection with her birthson, which would never be a bad thing, but I don't think she's willing to invest that kind of time in him yet. I really don't think she has any idea what it's like to deal with RAD and FASD on a daily basis. Patty Joanna (and The Beatles ;) ) really did say it best: Let it be. :grouphug: 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Reported Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Still praying for you, Rose. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Rose in BC Posted July 12, 2013 Author Popular Post Share Posted July 12, 2013 Some happy news tonight. I was away on a business trip but tonight when I got home there was a voice message from son. No one was home at the time he called. He said he wants to stay at least one more week. That's way better than I imagined (although it will likely be more than a week, it seems he's still thinking of home). I texted him saying how good it was to hear his voice. I know he called because no matter how much he has "hated" us ...he has a need to talk with me. It's been his MO his whole life. (And we seems to communicate the best via phone :).) A glimmer of happiness. I'll take it. :) 73 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 That update is so promising! I am so glad he called. I find my ds and I have a stellar relationship over the phone too, it is so weird because it will be great but the minute he is in the door the attitude and nonsense starts again. Anyway, I am so thrilled that he called, and that he is only saying 1 more week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Rose! Love the way you are looking for the hopeful signs to hold on to! I have been following this thread and agree with so many things others have already pointed out. That the honeymoon will end. That he's functioning well in unforeseen circumstances is a testament to all the love, sweat and tears you and your dh have poured into him. That he won't be able to deny the bond between you. May the next week pass swiftly. Thanks for your updates. Your ds is a Hive Child and that gives him a thousand extra aunties who are anxious to hear and pray. Hugs to you, remarkable amazing mama! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 continuing to send you hugs :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Rose, Sending hugs to you! As an adoptive mom of a RAD ds, my heart goes out to you. You are amazing! I have learned so much from you and I thank you for being open & sharing your experience. My prayers are with you and your son. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 One other thing to keep in mind..though we are all pretty sure that bio mom can't keep up the attention long term, (honeymoon phase) your son will likely be unable to keep up his own "front." You know that he has attitudes and behaviors that are so deeply ingrained that he almost can't help it when they come out. He can control them for a time around "outside" people, but eventually they will come out. Eventually, he will show his issues to his bio mom. She more than likely will not be able to handle them appropriately. He will see the difference between his adoptive parents and how they lovingly try to handle his issues and the bio mom who's thinking. "What on earth just happened here?" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 Rose, so glad to see your happy news! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 :grouphug: So glad to hear he called and left that message. Thinking of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 I think on some level he realizes that the fact you let him go is huge. I would want a text or sign of life every day while he is living with an unstable adult but you are the wiser woman for not insisting on that and loosening the leash. He may even get a little scared if he does not feel that security line so noticably, and I am hoping that this will bring him back to you, faster, with appreciation for what he has and now it will be HIS choice. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
countrygal Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 :grouphug: Thinking of you. Sorry this has been hard! I can't imagine. He'll likely realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. You sound like a loving mother, try not have any regrets. Sounds like they both needed this reunion and it was courageous of you to allow it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Any updates, Rose? Thinking of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmomma Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Thank you for keeping us updated! I've been praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 No real news except my (adult) niece chatted with him on Facebook yesterday. He told her he'd be going home in a few weeks. I had a very busy week which effectively allowed me to bury my head in the sand :). One positive ('cause you have to see the silver lining), we've had a good week with our eldest son who has FASD and a mild intelectual disability. We've had tough days with this boy...different tough days than with our youngest son. Our eldest ds is very attached but his special needs really affect his ability to make good choices. Anyway, he's been home alone with us (dd is on a youth trip) and that's resulted in a pretty good week. My struggle right now is wrestling with the thought "could it be better for ds with his birthmother?" Rationally the answer is no, but I can't help but wonder if he has peace with this connection. No real way of knowing for certain because of limited conversations. So my mind plays in overdrive. It's still all quite surreal at times. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Thank you for posting the update, Rose. I hope all of your worries are for nothing, and that your ds will be very happy to come home to you. I'm not sure I understand why he gets to choose when he returns, though -- wasn't a return date spelled out in your original arrangements? I think the birthmom is being extremely inconsiderate, and I'm also wondering if social workers are checking on your ds to be sure the birthmom isn't trying to talk him into moving in with her. This whole situation is very confusing for me, although I'm way too much of a control freak to have allowed an unsupervised visit in the first place, so I'm probably a bad person to comment on any of this. It's probably good that I'm not an adoptive parent, though, because I'm not sure I could handle the things you're going through with the birthmom. You are such a strong person, Rose. Your ds is incredibly lucky to have you as his mom. :grouphug: 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You are handling this way better than I could. I just keep thinking..this new reality... isn't reality. Still prayin! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 15, 2013 Author Share Posted July 15, 2013 Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I'm handling anything....it's so overwhelming its hard to even think it all through. We couldn't force him to come home if we wanted to....trust me when I say a child with RAD is not your typical child. Plus if we did successfully get him home before he wanted to, our life would be hell....he'd make sure of it. Honestly I've been wondering what life will be like upon his return. Will it be better or will things be worse than before (which is hard to imagine). Last night I sent several "I love you and miss you" messages. Today on Facebook birthmother and adult birth sister had posts about how complete their lives are now that he's part of their lives and how much they love him. I almost wondered if he said something positive about us and they were reacting. It's painful. And confusing. And honestly we don't always really know what to do. No instruction book with this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Bumping this up. You've been on my mind, Rosie, I hope both you and your son are doing all right. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 A lot of "roles" are being played right now - but nobody can keep it up for long. It's hard to watch and wait. Prayers for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 :grouphug: Sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OK Family Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Nothing I can possibly say would help, but praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Just another :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 I think about your family daily. This must be so hard to go through. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 :grouphug: You are on our minds every day here, too. DH asks for updates periodically, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Oops. Double post. Double the hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 I keep checking your updates. I hope things are made easier for you no matter what the path is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Thanks for thinking about us. Our boy is still not home but I did have a pretty good conversation with him two nights ago. My favourite line of our talk...."um mom (aka birth mother), my mom wants to know.....". At least he still calls me mom. :) He told me he was heading to a town two hours away from where he is with his birth sister. My sister lives there. He did make contact with my niece (his adult cousin) and told her he wanted to visit her. I think this will happen this weekend. He has discovered a few family traits including the fact that all his siblings suffer from same stomach issues as he does. He had a rip roaring fight with one sister....fighting is his mo for handling stress at our house. He told social work he will return in time for school. (He's the only one of my kids not homeschooled.. Well he was until grade 8.) So we're hanging in...some days easier than others. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 You are so strong for hanging in there. I would be sorely tempted to go get him and just hug him. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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