CC-Does having a good marriage all boil down to having enough teA?

[Hikin' Mama]

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/03/wifey-wednesday-does-everything-really-come-down-to-sex/

 

This was posted on FB. Wondering what other Christian wives think about her opinion. The jist I got was that if there is enough s*x in a marriage, everything else takes care of itself. Thoughts?

 

Edited because I included the wrong link the first time. Oops!

[gardenmom5]

why aren't my smilies working? :taps foots: :glares:.

 

:blink:, :huh:, :roflol: :laughing hysterically:

 

what a shallow relationship she must have.

[PrincessMommy]

To answer the Title: Perhaps it does for the husband, but it certainly wouldn't for many women.

 

The post is basically an advertisement I see... she's selling a book. It's not my type of book, its seems like it's laying all the work on the wifey to be everything for her husband. Her husband is just another grownup child that she has to "take care" of. I'd like to know how old she is and how long she's been married. I'd much rather talk to someone in their 70's about sex in marriage, because that would be someone who's been through many stages of life and marriage.

 

I do agree that on Mother's Day women get flowers but on Father's Day men get a lecture (she said 'yelled at" and I don't think it's quite that strong). And yeah, my husband would be happy with just tea for Father's Day. The rest of the article was just icky. I don't ascribe to that type of Christian relationship (the woman is the helpmeet to her husband).

[dirty ethel rackham]

I've known many happily married couples who have struggled in the teA department. One woman was scarred from childhood abuse so they were working through her problems. His loving patience was a testament to his devotion to her and her well-being. I know another couple who could no longer have teA because the husband was going through cancer treatments and one of the side effects was his inability to participate. They still were a beautiful example of a loving relationship - of people who were happy together. I've also known people who brewed often, but were unhappy.

[freeindeed]

What about the every night for a month challenge? Umm...there are at least 3-5 days every month where that won't be happening! KWIM? Ick.

[Sisyphus]

My husband would be very offended by that assumption.

[Orthodox6]

Not true. Marriage is vastly more complex than the s*xual element.

I was very surprised to read the opening post. Such a shallow and demeaning view of marriage.

[m0mmaBuck]

Before we got married, our priest told us that most fights between married couples are about one of three things: children, money, and sex. After 16 years of marriage, I can tell you that (in our case) he was right.

[Ottakee]

I think that to reall get her perspective on things you need to read lots of her materials. This is just one post and taken alone does sound a bit one sided. If though you read through her blog for the past months you get a much more balanced view.

 

I get her daily (or almost daily) blog updates/emails and have found many of them to be helpful. She does talk about a husband that has a low drive, when physical issues get in the way of intimacy, how to handle things if there was past abuse, etc. and on and on.

 

I don't agree with everything she has to say and some of it doesn't apply to dh and I but much of her advice is very good.

[amy g.]

We have been married 21 years today. We have had 3 real arguments in our marriage.

 

The first was about toys.

 

The second was about church.

 

And the third was about the lawn.

 

I guess we will never fit the norm.

[Mrs Mungo]

To answer the question in the title? No, and the assumption is insulting to both men and women. I hate these types of articles.

[Seasider]

Just curious... If this is true, how then does it affect the advice one should give a son about what qualities to look for in a prospective spouse?

 

Something to think about.

 

(Guess you can tell I disagree with her premise.)

[Rosie_0801]

More likely to be a symptom of a good marriage than a cause, I'd think.

[bolt.]

I think tea is an important aspect of marriage... But it's nowhere near the whole picture. Not even close.

[Moxie]

Just curious... If this is true, how then does it affect the advice one should give a son about what qualities to look for in a prospective spouse?

 

Something to think about.

 

(Guess you can tell I disagree with her premise.)

 

 

Yes, and what about our daughters?? Should we encourage them to look for a piano player (Get it? Good with his hands? I kill me!)

[Moxie]

I will say, I've known 2 nearly tea-less married couples. Both claimed it was ok. Both ended up divorced.

[beaners]

That article? It makes me not want to have sex. I'm not big on the idea of sex as a currency. The "have sex and your husband will clean the gutters without nagging" vibe rubs me the wrong way.

[Dory]

My dh and I had a recent conversation about this. Well it was actually about the difference between love and lust but we talked about sex in marriage too. If the focus is on sex, that's like treating a symptom instead of the actually core of the relationship. I think a healthy relationship will be based in intimacy. Intimacy is commitment, vulnerability, and trust. A feeling of being understood and understanding the other person. Sex comes from that vulnerability because it is a giving of ones self fully to the other as a physical expression of something that has already been happening on the other levels.

If there is a healthy level of intimacy in the relationship, there will probably be plenty of sex but even when sex is not happening because of other things, if there is intimacy, then the marriage will be just fine despite the lack of sex. If there is a lack of sex in the relationship though, it could be a symptom of a lack of intimacy in the relationship. The sex is just a symptom though.

 

I am working on repairing a marriage that was almost destroyed by the type of mindset in that article. I worked like crazy to fulfil his desire and needs in the bedroom. But our relationship was almost dead because we were having sex for sex sake. Just filling an animalistic need. It shouldn't be about getting naked and feeling good, but about connecting deeper with the person you love and share all the other parts of your life with.

[DragonFaerie]

NM. TMI.

[Coco_Clark]

My husband and I have talked about this trend in Evangelical Christianity before- have teA with your husband and everything will be perfect. We have even heard Christian speakers go so far as to say that women that DONT provide teA are encouraging husbands to stray...because they NEED it. (not saying thats what this writer is saying, just that i have heard this topic go to that extreme). He finds it insulting ; as if he isn't a person with a myriad of needs and emotions, nope, just as long as he's got teA that's all he needs. Or as if he's not strong enough as a person to be a decent husband without regular teA.

 

We both agree that it's a result of a teA obsessed culture. It's important, folks, but not THAT important. I think this viewpoint also contributes in small but meaningful way to our culture of rape. I WILL NOT teach my sons that they NEED tea. It is not a need, nor even a right. They could be loving wonderful celibate husbands, they have that ability. I also think it's also important to follow this thought to its logical conclusion. If teA is the most I portent part of a marriage, shouldn't you make sure your wife can provide it the way you like before you marry her? What if she gets sick? Is the marriage now doomed?

 

That being said, yes it is nice in a marriage and certainly helps "connect" you to your spouse. It's a service to your husband to fulfill his desires, just as you expect him to fulfill yours. You do these things because you love each other. But it's not an end-all game or a magic solution.

[Wendi]

I'm sure she has lots of other things to say that balance out this one blog post, but the premise really bugs me. Say it's true that men feel happier, closer to their wives, more interested in doing things with their families, etc., when they're having the amount of sex they want. But that doesn't mean that if they're not getting the sex they want, they are justified in being unhappy, less loving to their wives, avoiding doing things with their families, etc. Feelings don't determine how we act. Now, the husband should definitely talk to his wife about his needs, but if either partner gets hung up on how they're not getting their needs met, so they don't feel like putting forth the effort in other areas to make a strong, happy marriage and family, that's a recipe for trouble. Withholding sex, affection, attention, intimacy, time with the family, because you're not getting what you want is wrong.

[TranquilMind]

http://tolovehonoran...me-down-to-sex/

 

This was posted on FB. Wondering what other Christian wives think about her opinion. The jist I got was that if there is enough s*x in a marriage, everything else takes care of itself. Thoughts?

 

Edited because I included the wrong link the first time. Oops!

 

No, that alone won't do it. I think having enough in common and putting each other first takes care of the rest.

[Orthodox6]

I just read the linked article. Who on earth is this woman? Some two-penny armchair self-styled therapist ?!

[Guest]

We have been married 21 years today. We have had 3 real arguments in our marriage.

 

The first was about toys.

 

The second was about church.

 

And the third was about the lawn.

 

I guess we will never fit the norm.

 

:laugh: Ours were which carpet to install, whether or not to homeschool and my desire for another kid.

 

The carpet argument almost ended it all. I think teA was the glue that healed the carpet argument. :coolgleamA:

[8circles]

Nonsense. Utter nonsense. I'm so tired of tEa being a substitute for intimacy. It isn't. . And of course, it's the woman's job to have tEa often or the man has a hard time resisting temptation, he isn't happy, he doesn't love being with her, he doesn't love being with the kids, everything feels like a chore, he loves her but it's just much harder. Whatever. Grow up.

 

Goodness, I could say more but there are other things I'd rather be doing than contemplating this drivel.

 

Oh, & I love tEa.

[BakersDozen]

If the only thing that will make my husband stick around is constant sex, well then see you and have a nice day.

Yep.

 

I read something a while ago that men place a value of a whopping 80% on teA as far as most important thing for marriage. Good grief. Time to grow up, men.

[OrganicAnn]

This makes me remember an interview on Sixty Minutes with an Evangelical Christian leader. He was seemed to be saying "hey guys become an Evangelical Christian because then you can require (or guilt, insist, Bibically justify - I'm not sure the exact tone he took) your wife to have TeA every other day - you'll love it. Ladies, do this so your DH won't stray." He was the one who was eventually found to have had an affair with a male prostitute. I realize this doesn't mean everyone who puts forth this point of view will ends up with a male prostitute, but they are forever linked in my mind.

[DawnM]

What kind of toys? :unsure:

 

 

We have been married 21 years today. We have had 3 real arguments in our marriage.

 

The first was about toys.

 

The second was about church.

 

And the third was about the lawn.

 

I guess we will never fit the norm.

[butterflymommy]

My answer might not be popular, but unless you have a husband with an unusually low sex drive, yes, "almost" everything does boil down to a woman being willing to fill her husband's sexual needs. Anyone who thinks differently is really fooling herself when it comes to men.

 

It's disingenuous to mention things like cancer treatment or sex abuse trauma. Of course exceptions should be made by the willing partner for such issues. But most women who shut their husbands down don't have dire medical or psychological conditions. It's selfish to act like it's some great empowering gesture not to "give" your husband what he needs; if you married him it's nothing short of cruel to expect him to live in celibacy or near celibacy because you're rarely in the mood.

 

And yes, the same goes for the reverse gender situation, though that scenario is rare by comparison.

 

I see nothing shallow about this article. There are many refused partners out there suffering, with nowhere else to turn without violating their moral standards.

[Mrs Mungo]

My answer might not be popular, but unless you have a husband with an unusually low sex drive, yes, "almost" everything does boil down to a woman being willing to fill her husband's sexual needs. Anyone who thinks differently is really fooling herself when it comes to men.

 

 

I know plenty of women with high sex drives and marriage problems. I think anyone who thinks sex is the answer to marriage problems or that if you have enough sex, then your husband won't do X or Y is fooling themselves.

 

I have been married almost 20 years. We have had plenty of difficulties to overcome along the way, none of which had to do with a lack of interest in sex.

 

ETA: I don't like the way these articles present themselves because I think they present false promises to women. If you put out enough, then he won't look at p*rn, have an affair, leave you, etc. People are a lot more complicated than that, so are relationships.

[QuirkyKapers]

Does my dh like teA? Yes.. Have there been very few times he hasn't wanted it? Yes. I daresay unless he was having a near death experience, he would want it. (He might even want it then if asked ;) ) However, have we fought about it? No. Have we felt any less close when we haven't for awhile? No. Our marriage isn't good simply because we have sex. It is good because we like being with each other and have fun together. We have common interests. We love each other personalities and laugh at the things that irratate us. It isn't a game. We shouldn't be manipulated to engage because that is the way to make men happy. In return, we also shouldn't manipulate by withholding because we are mad, or didn't get the candy we wanted etc. Doing something just because you should or have to, makes it a chore. I don't want that part of my life to become a chore. (Yes, sometimes it can seem that way but I don't want it to be that way every.time.) I already have enough of those. Nothing takes the fun out of something quicker than thinking this is something I have to do.

[butterflymommy]

This makes me remember an interview on Sixty Minutes with an Evangelical Christian leader. He was seemed to be saying "hey guys become an Evangelical Christian because then you can require (or guilt, insist, Bibically justify - I'm not sure the exact tone he took) your wife to have TeA every other day - you'll love it. Ladies, do this so your DH won't stray." He was the one who was eventually found to have had an affair with a male prostitute. I realize this doesn't mean everyone who puts forth this point of view will ends up with a male prostitute, but they are forever linked in my mind.

 

 

I remember that docu. Haggard (sp?) was also featured in "Jesus Camp" before his downfall.

 

I think it's absolutely brilliant for evangelicals to be addressing this issue head on. Other segments of society just sweep it under the rug. Remember the kama sutra was written to help preserve marriages. Evangelicals have the same idea.

 

Obviously haggard had identity and substance abuse issues but those were his private demons. And I think we can all agree, evangelical christians are not the only people in the world who struggle with private demons.

[beaners]

Does my dh like teA? Yes.. Have there been very few times he hasn't wanted it? Yes. I daresay unless he was having a near death experience, he would want it. (He might even want it then if asked ;) ) However, have we fought about it? No. Have we felt any less close when we haven't for awhile? No. Our marriage isn't good simply because we have sex. It is good because we like being with each other and have fun together. We have common interests. We love each other personalities and laugh at the things that irratate us. It isn't a game. We shouldn't be manipulated to engage because that is the way to make men happy. In return, we also shouldn't manipulate by withholding because we are mad, or didn't get the candy we wanted etc. Doing something just because you should or have to, makes it a chore. I don't want that part of my life to become a chore. (Yes, sometimes it can seem that way but I don't want it to be that way every.time.) I already have enough of those. Nothing takes the fun out of something quicker than thinking this is something I have to do.

 

 

Yes.

[Mrs Mungo]

Obviously haggard had identity and substance abuse issues but those were his private demons. And I think we can all agree, evangelical christians are not the only people in the world who struggle with private demons.

 

 

No, but it is certainly evidence that this sort of advice is pure tripe designed to attempt an "easy fix" that doesn't exist. And when it goes wrong? Women blame religion and turn away from God. God doesn't want you to have sex just because your husband wants it. He wants you to feel loved and beautiful and healthy and safe so that you want it too. There is plenty of Biblical evidence for that. But, too few pastors are willing to insist that men invest that sort of time in their relationships. It is way easier to blame frigid women.

[beaners]

 

I think it's absolutely brilliant for evangelicals to be addressing this issue head on. Other segments of society just sweep it under the rug. Remember the kama sutra was written to help preserve marriages. Evangelicals have the same idea.

 

 

 

I guess that's a matter of opinion. I truly do not mean this to offend any Catholics, but I was a little uncomfortable with the thought of my religion having so much to say about what I do in the bedroom based on a different recent thread. I understood the reasoning explained in the thread, but for me, it squicked me out a little. I feel the same way about this supposed Evangelical trend, although this is the first that I'd heard it had any Evangelical basis. I had heard a few similar statements in conservative Christian circles, but I never equated it to any particular movement.

 

Truthfully, I prefer the "Sex is fun, so I enjoy it!" statements I've heard in other circles to the "You owe it to your husband to have sex regularly" statements here.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't see that emphasis in the Bible. Sex is a natural and beautiful part of marriage. And it shouldn't be withheld out of anger. But other that that, the Bible does not make it a requirement for "holding on to your man" or for " staying with the little woman". Instead it focuses on such things as mutual respect and love.

[gardenmom5]

I don't ascribe to that type of Christian relationship (the woman is the helpmeet to her husband).

 

I think she doesnt' know what "helpmeet" means. it means a help MEET as in - equal partner, worthy of, and as valued. both are important and required to have a marriage.

 

marriage is a partnership. yeah, we're different, but both are important and deserve respect. what that woman is describing hearkens to the "prostitution" is the oldest profession. I consider that attitude offensive. (and coming from christians? do they really have that much disrespect for EVE?) sorry, but I'm not a piece of meat I sell to my husband in exchange for what I "want".

 

I guess she see's her husband as a "pimp" and nothing but a paycheck to support herself. How gross.

[LaCEmom]

IMO a good marriage has more to do with mutual respect than the amount of sex. I respect that he has needs, wants, opinions & desires in life and he respects that I do as well. Sure sex is an aspect of that, but it's certainly not everything.

[*Lulu*]

Post #44 reported.

[Trish]

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/03/wifey-wednesday-does-everything-really-come-down-to-sex/

 

This was posted on FB. Wondering what other Christian wives think about her opinion. The jist I got was that if there is enough s*x in a marriage, everything else takes care of itself. Thoughts?

 

Edited because I included the wrong link the first time. Oops!

 

I can't think of that many recipes that have only one ingredient. Scrambled eggs, maybe, but I don't like mine without salt and pepper.

[Garga]

Ok, I just have to say, We are all women giving our opinions on this article or stating what we think our husbands would say. I wonder what men would actually say.

 

A lot of the responses here remind me of the video where they asked people, "Can men and women just be friends," and the women all said, "Sure." But when they asked the men the same question, the men all said, "Uh, no."

 

Until watching that and reading more about it, I would have thought men and women could be friends. But the men didn't think so. (There are always exceptions, of course.)

 

I personally am not sure how I feel about the article because I'd love to hear what a group of men would say, if they knew they could be annonymous. I just don't know.

 

ETA, I'm having fun watching these videos and found another little blurb about a study asking men and women if they could be just friends. (Women-yes, Men-no.). Not sure really how accurate this little blurb is, but again, maybe men honestly do find sex to be just that important. I don't know, so don't throw tomatoes at me! http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=ezB3ZHyBa7g.J

[Jean in Newcastle]

Every single time this topic comes up on the WTM board (and it has come up numerous times) I ask my dh and he rolls his eyes and reminds me that he is not a sex-crazed animal. We have a healthy marriage in all senses of the word and I am not misrepresenting his views.

[KungFuPanda]

There is such a thing as a husband with a low sex drive????? I've been mislead! Any older, wiser women want to tell me about what age I can expect a tapering off. I'm fairly certain this pace won't be sustainable in our 80s.

 

Also, you can use it as CURRENCY??? Why did nobody tell me this? There are (other) things that need to be done around here!

 

::stomps off to demand answers from DH::

[mysticmomma]

Um... What is tea?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Um... What is tea?

 

Sex

[PentecostalMom]

If it did, I would have been divorced a long time ago, lol! I agree with others that there are many aspects to a healthy and ahppy marriage and this is only one of those ingredients.

[Dana]

Um... What is tea?

 

This is the thread that explains how the euphemism got started on this board :)

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/55527-what-the-world-needs-nowwarning-ot-intimate-content/page__st__0

[LucyStoner]

I do think men see sex differently. If my husband is upset he thinks sex sounds like something to make him relax and feel better. If I'm upset, the last thing on earth I want is sex. So I agree with that sentiment by the author.

 

This is true, though it is not universal. When I get stressed or upset, it's the first thing I want. And if my husband has had a bad or stressful day he quite often needs to relax and connect to a certain degree before he feels in the mood. People are people, not always their gender stereotypes

[LucyStoner]

More likely to be a symptom of a good marriage than a cause, I'd think.

 

I think this is spot on.

[Hikin' Mama]

Thanks for your responses. Most of you echo my thoughts on the subject. It just seems to me that women are expected to carry too much responsibility for everything. Be submissive and have enough s*x and your marriage will be great! Don't work outside the home and your kids will turn out great! Dress modestly and men won't be tempted to lust. I just think humans and life are way too complex to attribute this stuff to one factor.