Rose in BC Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 By the time I got home from work he was talking with her on the phone. This is a boy we have serious attachment issues with. He's fifteen. He did willingly share information abount their conversation with us tonight. We have always said we would support our kids finding their biological families. (My daughter's adoption is an open one somwe've always had some contact.) mI just didn't think it would be now, during such a tumultuous time in our relationship. Wow, even though I knew this day would come, it's very emotional. I wonder how its going to turn out. Technology is a real game changer for adoption these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-bex Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 More hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hugs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 As a fellow adoptive mom... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 That's tough. But maybe better now while he's living at home. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: It must have come as such a shock to you. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Wow. Good wishes for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hoping it goes as well as possible for all. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Wishing you wisdom and strength to navigate this :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Rose, I hope and pray all goes well with your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 OMG, this is my worst nightmare! I know that one of our birth moms said at placement time that if/when our son showed up at her door her very first question would be, "Do your parents know where you are?" I really appreciated her insight, affirmation, and her desire to not undermine our family unit. I'm not certain we will get similar respect from our other birth moms. He's still a minor and Ill be praying that this contact some how helps him come to terms with his beginnings and the people who made those choices for him. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 {{{hugs}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Sigh. Good luck. I can only hope I will have raised my kids to see through their bioparents- love them for who they are, but accept that they are broken and not seek identity within the dysfunction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Thanks everyone. I guess I wasn't prepared for how emotional this situation is. We got home from running errands. There was a phone message (yes my boy gave identifying information :)). Message said "hi, Rose I was trying to reach Chris. This is (birth mother), Christopher's uhhh...other mom." I know it's true, it's just weird. And of course I have empathy for her. Can you imagine how she feels? And his siblings? I'm praying this brings healing to his heart. I just feel.....emotional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 How old was he when he was adopted? Was it through foster care? We have 3 adopted through foster care. It can be a tough road and yes, the internet does change things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamatohaleybug Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 As an adoptive mom, I feel a special connection with you. Huge hugs!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 He was four years old and yes it was through foster care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Sigh. Good luck. I can only hope I will have raised my kids to see through their bioparents- love them for who they are, but accept that they are broken and not seek identity within the dysfunction. Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. I think (hope) that she meant her children's bio parents specifically. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kdownie Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Hugs to you, as a fellow adoptive mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MtnTeaching Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. Please re-read her post, I agree with AimeeM that it sounded as if she was speaking about her own children. She did not use the words "all birth parents". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MtnTeaching Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. And another thing, :grouphug: to you. If you mean that you are a birth mother that gave up a child at sometime in your life, what you did was a brave thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Every situation is different. We have three adopted kids each with a different story. My son's birth parents come from inter-generational abuse of all kinds. Even with this background we have always spoken with respect for their birth families. The mom did admit to my son that she struggled with addiction. Tonight he was talking to her again and suddenly passed the phone to me. To say that was awkward is an understatement especially given the struggles we have had with this boy. But I could confidently tell her that we love him with all our hearts. I am drained. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. Excuse me? Where did I say "all?" My kids are adopted through foster care. Unfortunately they don't have a sweet story of a birth mom who gave them up to have a better life. So yes, for a lot of us, this is a huge concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"? I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion. Unfortunately, for children who are adopted out of foster care, this tends to be a true statement. The poster didn't state 'all', and seemed to be referring to *her* kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 As an adopted child (foster care also), I want to say thank you to you (and all adoptive parents) for taking a child into your home and family. I think all adopted children go through a time in their life where they want to know where they came from and are trying to understand it all. The teenage years, especially if they are tumultuous, often fuel this desire. But I want to let you know that smart, reasonably well adjusted children will always eventually recognize that there was something wrong in their biological family (especially in foster adoptions) that led to their adoption. They may very well end up being completely comfortable with only their adoptive family and not feel the need to continue the biological connection. I don't. Or they may stay in contact with the biological family and that will be okay too. Just like you can love more than one child, an adoptive kid can love more than one set of parents. My brother is in contact with our biological mother, has even visited her, and yet is still closer to our adoptive family. :grouphug: I hope all goes well for you and for your son. This is a world-changing experience for both of you in many ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Thanks for everyone's responses. Ideally, we'd be happy to have a relationship with our children's birth families. We do with our daughters and my eldest son has a relationship with one sibling. None of their families live in close proximity so the relationship would mostly be via technology. I just don't want my kids to be hurt or in danger. In our specific case with our son, who has attachment issues, I hope it heals his broken heart. Interestingly, I listened to his conversation yesterday and he really talked a lot about us, positively. I even heard him say "I might be able to visit sometime, with my family." I was so happy to hear "with my family". He seemed to use us as a safety net a few times in the conversation. This is music to my ears because we live in a lot of conflict with him. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Through out this conversation I don't think I heard that his birth mom wanted to talk to you (adoptive parent) directly to be sure this is proceeding in a safe, positive, and healthy manner for your mutual son. Go canny. Can you call your former social worker/licensing worker/local foster parent support group and get some advice or referrals to counseling. I'm anticipating he will need someone who is neutral to talk with about safety, to process his thoughts & feelings. Without considering the (positive or negative) reasons for his placement, wrapping his brain around the why of adoption is huge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 She and the siblings were eager to talk to him and me. The siblings are much older than him so they really remember him and have wanted to find him. They've had a rough life, all of them. Having said that I am calling our adoption social worker this a.m.for advice. It is uncharted territory. And it all unfolded without our input. He just made the connection on Facebook himself. We're just trying to make the best of it for everyone involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of your family and hope that all is going well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks. I've tried to get help from our social services but haven't got much of a response, then my son phoned the adoption social worker himself to ask questions he had about the family. (Mostly he was asking them if what his birth other was telling him was true or not.) they promised to talk to him next week. I'm guessing they have limited experience in something like this happening (we live in a very small rural town). I am wondering how this will end up. The birth family said they are scraping together money to send him a bus ticket (they live very far away -- 1500 Km's). We asked him not to accept that offer. We told him that we could try and do a summer trip to that location. I hope he doesn't impulsively react to their offer (he has FASD). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: I hope this all works out well for you and your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks. I've tried to get help from our social services but haven't got much of a response, then my son phoned the adoption social worker himself to ask questions he had about the family. (Mostly he was asking them if what his birth other was telling him was true or not.) they promised to talk to him next week. I'm guessing they have limited experience in something like this happening (we live in a very small rural town). I am wondering how this will end up. The birth family said they are scraping together money to send him a bus ticket (they live very far away -- 1500 Km's). We asked him not to accept that offer. We told him that we could try and do a summer trip to that location. I hope he doesn't impulsively react to their offer (he has FASD). Hoo boy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I'll keep you all in my prayers. It just can't be good to take off that far away on a bus. What are they thinking? :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Praying for your son and your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I do think traveling alone by bus is too much for a 15 year old. They should scrape the money together by themselves to visit him or wait for your whole family to visit. It wouldn't be healthy at 15 for them to cultivate an isolated relationship with him, and as an adopted child myself, I wouldn't allow that as a parent. :grouphug: It isn't easy, but a discussion directly with his biological mother about appropriate boundaries probably needs to be done sooner than later considering how fast they seem to want to push the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 As someone that was adopted by a stepparent and cut off from biological family on that side and has experienced both reunification on the biological side and fallout on the adoptive side...my prayers are with you and thank you for being the kind of parent open to him searching this out. Many Blessings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Oh, Rose. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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