My son found his birth mother on Facebook today.

[MommaOfalotta]

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Mom2OandE]

(((Hug)))

 

Our children are adopted as well. I fear the day they want to find their bio parents. It wasnt a good situation and I dread them finding out details.

[Hannah]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Rose in BC]

I do think traveling alone by bus is too much for a 15 year old. They should scrape the money together by themselves to visit him or wait for your whole family to visit. It wouldn't be healthy at 15 for them to cultivate an isolated relationship with him, and as an adopted child myself, I wouldn't allow that as a parent.

 

:grouphug: It isn't easy, but a discussion directly with his biological mother about appropriate boundaries probably needs to be done sooner than later considering how fast they seem to want to push the relationship.

 

 

It is definitely not appropriate for him to take a bus ride that distance. His birth mother said to me directly last week when I spoke with her that she's lived a hard life. She has a history of not making good decisions. Couple that with the fact that my son has FASD, attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder and you can see my worry is my boy will make a decision inspite of our advice.

 

However, Something interesting did happen this morning. My son came to me for a hug. A lingering hug. Those have been rare in our relationship. Then he said sorry for all the conflict he's caused in past. That he didn't mean it.

 

It's interesting. I think he meant it. To say we've had a rough ride with this boy would be an understatement. I'm sure the roller coaster ride isn't over but we'll take the glimmers of hope.

 

I think you're right that I better broach the subject directly with the birth mother.

[elfgivas]

kids are all different.

 

but at 14, my ODD daughter went to visit her birth father for thanksgiving.... 4 days.

it took two years to undo most the damage, but its been 12 years, and she still isn't as emotionally healthy as she was before she went.

 

if i had a do-over, i'd have not permitted it at all. he could have come here if he wanted to see her that badly. maybe.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Rose in BC]

kids are all different.

 

but at 14, my ODD daughter went to visit her birth father for thanksgiving.... 4 days.

it took two years to undo most the damage, but its been 12 years, and she still isn't as emotionally healthy as she was before she went.

 

if i had a do-over, i'd have not permitted it at all. he could have come here if he wanted to see her that badly. maybe.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

 

Oh my. Why do you think that happened? Did something happen there or did it just confuse her?

 

I am worried.

[elfgivas]

hi rose -

 

many reasons why. but ODD kids need consistency and routine. they also need to not feel abandoned. reality wasn't what she needed or hoped for.

it was like her losing all over again.

and years of consistency went out the window.

 

i would be Very worried.

 

fwiw,

ann

[CatholicMom]

Yikes. What a terribly hard, emotional situation. I have no experience with adoption, but this would definitely be my worst nightmare if I were ever to adopt a child and raise them as my own. FWIW, no way in heck would I let him get on a bus and visit his birth family. First of all, do *you* know enough about these people to let him spend time with them alone? Though there is a flesh & blood connection there, aren't they basically strangers? That in itself would be enough to make me say No way.

 

I'm imagining what conversations could take place, what questions could be asked (why? why did you give me up for adoption?) and who knows what answers she or others may volunteer that your son would be much better off not knowing. I'm imagining the heartbreak that could result from knowing whatever truth there is to know, and once those conversations take place, there's no un-doing them. It could affect him for the rest of his life, especially if he already has emotional issues. For a teen, especially, I could see this trip setting an identity crisis in motion, which will not help his attachment issues. Sounds like he needs more assurance, more stability right now, not less.

 

A very hairy situation, but I would use a lot of caution. Sounds like you have been through too much to open the door to any more emotional issues with your son. I would talk to his birth mother, as awkward as it is, and tell her that you don't think it's a good idea, and hopefully it will be dropped. If the issue was pressed, I'd be more firm about it. I'd gently tell your son that we need to step back and think about things a bit. Good idea to get advice on this. I would also definitely be especially affirming during this time how much you love him and have been / always will be there for him... you are his mom... and this is his family and always will be. Don't be afraid to be Mama Bear. This might be one of the times he needs you to be.

 

Just my peanut gallery advice. Hugs to you! :grouphug:

[Rose in BC]

We have told him no. What I'm worried about is him just doing it anyways. He has never listened to our advice. That is our worry.

 

I am calling adoption worker again in morning and then making call to birth mother.

[Galatea]

It is definitely not appropriate for him to take a bus ride that distance. His birth mother said to me directly last week when I spoke with her that she's lived a hard life. She has a history of not making good decisions. Couple that with the fact that my son has FASD, attachment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder and you can see my worry is my boy will make a decision inspite of our advice.

 

However, Something interesting did happen this morning. My son came to me for a hug. A lingering hug. Those have been rare in our relationship. Then he said sorry for all the conflict he's caused in past. That he didn't mean it.

 

It's interesting. I think he meant it. To say we've had a rough ride with this boy would be an understatement. I'm sure the roller coaster ride isn't over but we'll take the glimmers of hope.

 

I think you're right that I better broach the subject directly with the birth mother.

 

 

I would take the hug and apology as a sign that he recognizes that you have given him stability and love and that is in contrast to his biological family. It also may very well be a subconscious sign that he is overwhelmed by the situation himself. I can see a 15 year old having an ideal image of what reunification would be in his mind, but then be a little shocked by the reality of it all. Hugging you means he needs your love and stability, even if he doesn't really realize that.

[jenL]

Prayers are with you, Rose. I cannot even imagine how your heart feels right now. :grouphug:

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

Maybe you can find a counselor in your area who is familiar with adoption issues? I don't know where you are, or if that's an option. I think the more openly he can communicate about it all, the better - with you, and with others.

 

Maybe you can offer him the option of inviting his birthmother to visit, rather than going there? That would feel safer.

 

Our kiddos adoptions are open, but not without drama/issues of their own, so I can only imagine that your kiddo's situation is multiplied exponentially. And reunification even as an adult is difficult, and fraught with emotions - DH is going through it right now, it's a slow process for him, and I've seen him run the gamut of emotions in ways I've never seen in 25 years knowing him. It's been astonishing to me, to see it all, from my very well adjusted, confident and comfortable in his (adoptive) family DH.

 

Would your son consider reading some books on reunification? I think there are some out there for teens, but it's been a while since I've researched.

 

More :grouphug: .

[umsami]

I was adopted in the 60s back when adoptions were closed. I found my birth parents after the birth of my third child. It was a difficult process to go through...as my birth State does not make it easy for either party. I have wonderful parents, and have not shared with them that I sought out my birth parents. I think it's because I never had any desire to "replace" them; however, after reading how many unwed pregnant moms were treated in the 60s, I felt a need to reach out and let my birth mom know that I turned out O.K., etc. When I began the process, I was also given the choice to find my birth father, I said "fine"... but am surprised that he seems to be the one more interested in a relationship than my birth mom.

 

Thing is, it's been a couple of years, but basically we email from time to time. Finding them was great, because it answered so many questions (for both of us). It turns out the info that the children's home gave my parents was completely wrong...as was the info they gave my birth parents about my adopted family. But I think we're all happy with our lives--and haven't really felt the need to go any further.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because he did this, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or will want to replace you. It may be something he just needs to do, as part of becoming an adult.

[Laurie4b]

I would really want a neutral party involved, such as the adoption agency. I think it would be good if they, not you, would call the birth mom and discuss how difficult a reunion can be on the child and see if they can secure her cooperation. That way, it's not you against her. I would be thinking that a reunion on neutral ground (like the adoption agency offices or a park or restaurant, etc.) would be safest emotionally. It would be nice if birthmother would agree to a neutral party being there as well. I think it would also be good for your son if you two as his parents are there.

 

Are there any legal limits that can be set? Is a 16 year old a minor where you live so that parents still have control? The legal limits would be that if he left, he would be a runaway and they wouldn't be allowed to harbor him.

 

If he is bound and determined to go there and you don't think you could stop him, how would it be if you went with him?