My son found his birth mother on Facebook today.

[Rose in BC]

By the time I got home from work he was talking with her on the phone. This is a boy we have serious attachment issues with. He's fifteen.

 

He did willingly share information abount their conversation with us tonight. We have always said we would support our kids finding their biological families. (My daughter's adoption is an open one somwe've always had some contact.) mI just didn't think it would be now, during such a tumultuous time in our relationship.

 

Wow, even though I knew this day would come, it's very emotional. I wonder how its going to turn out.

 

Technology is a real game changer for adoption these days.

[Dana]

:grouphug:

[tex-bex]

More hugs!

[jennynd]

Hugs...

[*Lulu*]

(((Hugs)))

[misidawnrn]

Hugs!

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Corraleno]

As a fellow adoptive mom...

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[Starr]

That's tough. But maybe better now while he's living at home. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[GailV]

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

It must have come as such a shock to you. :(

[Desert Rat]

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Wow. Good wishes for you all.

[Spryte]

Hoping it goes as well as possible for all. :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

[Hannah]

Wishing you wisdom and strength to navigate this :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

Rose, I hope and pray all goes well with your family.

[Mango]

OMG, this is my worst nightmare!

 

I know that one of our birth moms said at placement time that if/when our son showed up at her door her very first question would be, "Do your parents know where you are?" I really appreciated her insight, affirmation, and her desire to not undermine our family unit. I'm not certain we will get similar respect from our other birth moms.

 

He's still a minor and Ill be praying that this contact some how helps him come to terms with his beginnings and the people who made those choices for him.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

{{{hugs}}}

[NotSoObvious]

Sigh. Good luck. I can only hope I will have raised my kids to see through their bioparents- love them for who they are, but accept that they are broken and not seek identity within the dysfunction.

[Rose in BC]

Thanks everyone. I guess I wasn't prepared for how emotional this situation is. We got home from running errands. There was a phone message (yes my boy gave identifying information :)). Message said "hi, Rose I was trying to reach Chris. This is (birth mother), Christopher's uhhh...other mom." I know it's true, it's just weird.

 

And of course I have empathy for her. Can you imagine how she feels? And his siblings?

 

I'm praying this brings healing to his heart.

 

I just feel.....emotional.

[Ottakee]

How old was he when he was adopted? Was it through foster care?

 

We have 3 adopted through foster care. It can be a tough road and yes, the internet does change things.

[mamatohaleybug]

As an adoptive mom, I feel a special connection with you. Huge hugs!!

[Rose in BC]

He was four years old and yes it was through foster care.

[PentecostalMom]

Sigh. Good luck. I can only hope I will have raised my kids to see through their bioparents- love them for who they are, but accept that they are broken and not seek identity within the dysfunction.

 

 

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

[AimeeM]

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

I think (hope) that she meant her children's bio parents specifically.

[kdownie]

Hugs to you, as a fellow adoptive mom.

[MtnTeaching]

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

 

Please re-read her post, I agree with AimeeM that it sounded as if she was speaking about her own children. She did not use the words "all birth parents".

[MtnTeaching]

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

 

And another thing, :grouphug: to you. If you mean that you are a birth mother that gave up a child at sometime in your life, what you did was a brave thing.

[Rose in BC]

Every situation is different. We have three adopted kids each with a different story. My son's birth parents come from inter-generational abuse of all kinds. Even with this background we have always spoken with respect for their birth families.

 

The mom did admit to my son that she struggled with addiction.

 

Tonight he was talking to her again and suddenly passed the phone to me. To say that was awkward is an understatement especially given the struggles we have had with this boy. But I could confidently tell her that we love him with all our hearts.

 

I am drained.

[NotSoObvious]

 

 

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

 

 

Excuse me? Where did I say "all?"

 

My kids are adopted through foster care. Unfortunately they don't have a sweet story of a birth mom who gave them up to have a better life.

 

So yes, for a lot of us, this is a huge concern.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Impish]

Really? We assume all birth parents are "broken" and "dysfunctional"?

 

I am a birth mom, and I think you should re-think this opinion.

 

Unfortunately, for children who are adopted out of foster care, this tends to be a true statement. The poster didn't state 'all', and seemed to be referring to *her* kids.

[Galatea]

As an adopted child (foster care also), I want to say thank you to you (and all adoptive parents) for taking a child into your home and family.

 

I think all adopted children go through a time in their life where they want to know where they came from and are trying to understand it all. The teenage years, especially if they are tumultuous, often fuel this desire. But I want to let you know that smart, reasonably well adjusted children will always eventually recognize that there was something wrong in their biological family (especially in foster adoptions) that led to their adoption. They may very well end up being completely comfortable with only their adoptive family and not feel the need to continue the biological connection. I don't.

 

Or they may stay in contact with the biological family and that will be okay too. Just like you can love more than one child, an adoptive kid can love more than one set of parents. My brother is in contact with our biological mother, has even visited her, and yet is still closer to our adoptive family.

 

:grouphug: I hope all goes well for you and for your son. This is a world-changing experience for both of you in many ways.

[Rose in BC]

Thanks for everyone's responses. Ideally, we'd be happy to have a relationship with our children's birth families. We do with our daughters and my eldest son has a relationship with one sibling. None of their families live in close proximity so the relationship would mostly be via technology. I just don't want my kids to be hurt or in danger.

 

In our specific case with our son, who has attachment issues, I hope it heals his broken heart. Interestingly, I listened to his conversation yesterday and he really talked a lot about us, positively. I even heard him say "I might be able to visit sometime, with my family." I was so happy to hear "with my family". He seemed to use us as a safety net a few times in the conversation. This is music to my ears because we live in a lot of conflict with him.

 

It will be interesting to see how this unfolds.

 

 

[Mango]

Through out this conversation I don't think I heard that his birth mom wanted to talk to you (adoptive parent) directly to be sure this is proceeding in a safe, positive, and healthy manner for your mutual son.

 

Go canny. Can you call your former social worker/licensing worker/local foster parent support group and get some advice or referrals to counseling. I'm anticipating he will need someone who is neutral to talk with about safety, to process his thoughts & feelings. Without considering the (positive or negative) reasons for his placement, wrapping his brain around the why of adoption is huge.

[Rose in BC]

She and the siblings were eager to talk to him and me. The siblings are much older than him so they really remember him and have wanted to find him. They've had a rough life, all of them.

 

Having said that I am calling our adoption social worker this a.m.for advice. It is uncharted territory. And it all unfolded without our input. He just made the connection on Facebook himself. We're just trying to make the best of it for everyone involved.

[Hannah]

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of your family and hope that all is going well.

[Rose in BC]

Thanks. I've tried to get help from our social services but haven't got much of a response, then my son phoned the adoption social worker himself to ask questions he had about the family. (Mostly he was asking them if what his birth other was telling him was true or not.) they promised to talk to him next week. I'm guessing they have limited experience in something like this happening (we live in a very small rural town).

 

I am wondering how this will end up. The birth family said they are scraping together money to send him a bus ticket (they live very far away -- 1500 Km's). We asked him not to accept that offer. We told him that we could try and do a summer trip to that location. I hope he doesn't impulsively react to their offer (he has FASD).

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I hope this all works out well for you and your son.

[Laurie4b]

Thanks. I've tried to get help from our social services but haven't got much of a response, then my son phoned the adoption social worker himself to ask questions he had about the family. (Mostly he was asking them if what his birth other was telling him was true or not.) they promised to talk to him next week. I'm guessing they have limited experience in something like this happening (we live in a very small rural town).

 

I am wondering how this will end up. The birth family said they are scraping together money to send him a bus ticket (they live very far away -- 1500 Km's). We asked him not to accept that offer. We told him that we could try and do a summer trip to that location. I hope he doesn't impulsively react to their offer (he has FASD).

 

 

Hoo boy. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I'll keep you all in my prayers. It just can't be good to take off that far away on a bus. What are they thinking? :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Tina]

Praying for your son and your family. :grouphug:

[Galatea]

I do think traveling alone by bus is too much for a 15 year old. They should scrape the money together by themselves to visit him or wait for your whole family to visit. It wouldn't be healthy at 15 for them to cultivate an isolated relationship with him, and as an adopted child myself, I wouldn't allow that as a parent.

 

:grouphug: It isn't easy, but a discussion directly with his biological mother about appropriate boundaries probably needs to be done sooner than later considering how fast they seem to want to push the relationship.

[mommaduck]

As someone that was adopted by a stepparent and cut off from biological family on that side and has experienced both reunification on the biological side and fallout on the adoptive side...my prayers are with you and thank you for being the kind of parent open to him searching this out. Many Blessings.

[Guest]

Oh, Rose. :grouphug: