I'm So Upset Right Now...Am I Overreacting?

[Hockey Mom]

Background: DS10 is my 'eccentric social' child. He definitely marches to his own drum, but he makes friends everywhere we go. The problem is, he doesn't recognize when kids are being mean to him. And it happens all the time. A typical encounter would look like this: DS10 is in a new place, sees a child (doesn't matter how old), will go up to that child and say hello. Then he will talk non-stop about Legos, or a new tv show, or whatever pops up in his head at that time. If the kids are younger, they'll usually talk with him. If the kids are his age (10) or older, they will start making fun of him. To his face. :(

 

We just moved into the neighborhood we're living now. It's temporary, but we'll be here at least another 2 months. There are a lot of kids on this street. A couple of weeks ago, DS went outside because he saw the group of kids playing, and introduced himself. They played fabulously together, and I thought maybe we had turned a corner (these were kids in his age range).

 

Last weekend, his friends had visitors from out of town. Teenage cousins. The cousins proceeded to make fun of DS. DS had no idea they were ridiculing him, and continued to "play" with them. DS8 however, knew exactly what was going on, and came into the house upset. I called DS10 in, sat him down, and explained that he was being made fun of, and that I wanted him to stay inside until his friend's guests left.

 

So today....he goes outside to play, and his friend's older teen brother is out there with another teen. Dh listens to what is going on, and he hears these boys telling DS, "Hey....we made a nickname for you!" (DS10 thinks this is really COOL). And they tell him that from now on his name is "Ginger". Dh (also a redhead) called him into the house immediately.

 

I'm sure for most people this wouldn't sound like a big deal. But to ME, a redhead, this is a slap in the face. While I won't go as far as calling it racist, I will say that I am greatly sensitive to my redheaded children being called "ginger". These children are all minorities (hispanic and black)...I would be furious if my boys made a derogatory statement to them regarding their hair or skin color, disability, or pretty much anything beyond another child's control.

 

Am I overreacting in being upset by this? Should I just ignore it and move past it?

 

I hesitate to say anything to them because this isn't our permanent house, and DS10 does enjoy playing with the kids who are his age (when the teenagers aren't around). He has a hard enough time understanding when kids are making fun of him as it is...should I throw him to the wolves and let him learn how the world's kids socialize? I don't want to see him turned into a "mean kid". WWYD?

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry they are being mean.

I've never heard GINGER as a derogatory term, only descriptive. Awful how people can turn ANYTHING into an insult.

 

Does he, by chance, have Asperger's? Just curious--you don't have to answer, of course.

[NorthwestMom]

I am not a redhead. I know "ginger" CAN be used obnoxiously, but I do not always perceive it as derogatory. Is it *always* derogatory? (I really would like to know).

 

Do any of the other kids have nicknames? Boys often give each other less than flattering nicknames. You are only going to be there another 2 months. I would choose battles carefully.

 

Sorry it has hurt you so much. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Joker]

I'm sorry he's being picked on. Dh and I both come from families full of red heads. Oldest is red hair, freckles, and fair skinned. I've never know the term ginger to be offensive. A family member just posted a pick of many of the red headed cousins (including my dd) and titled it "Love my Gingers". I honestly didn't know it was considered derogatory. :grouphug:

[Little Nyssa]

I think the issue of DS not being able to tell when people are making fun of him, and them not relating to him, and younger DS perceiving this and being sad, is worth getting upset about. This would make me sad and I would wonder what to do.

 

But I would not be upset about 'ginger' per se. It seems to me these are two different issues.

[*Michelle*]

Maybe they don't think of it as an insult? I know a whole family of red-heads and they call themselves gingers.

[AK_Mom4]

I'm sorry they are being mean.

I've never heard GINGER as a derogatory term, only descriptive. Awful how people can turn ANYTHING into an insult.

 

Does he, by chance, have Asperger's? Just curious--you don't have to answer, of course.

 

Coming from teens, they probably didn't realize that Ginger could be an insult. I guess I watch enough BBC to have seen it used that way, but my kids wouldn't necessarily know that IYKWIM?

 

Doesn't get them off the hook if they are teasing him about being a redhead (or anything else), just that most Americans probably wouldn't recognize that insult. Ginger sounds much less insulting than Carrot Top or FireHead.....

 

Speaking as the formerly-red-haired mom of a red-haired kid.

[laundrycrisis]

:grouphug: One of our sons needs a lot of help understanding social cues and situations. It was helpful for him to participate in a social skills group with age-peers at a psychology practice. He has also received some help from a speech-language therapist who comes to our house. I didn't realize they work on much more than "speech" - they can help kids with social communication as well.

 

For our son, we watch carefully what is going on with neighborhood kids, and we call him in if we see a situation brewing. I don't feel this is over-protecting him, because we know he will not, can not, understand these things on his own. They must be explained to him. IMO it's not fair for him to be left out there on his own with this disadvantage. We hope that over time, he will eventually get more skilled at this, but for now, he needs this protection and assistance.

 

I would keep a close eye/ear on who he is interacting with, and how it's going, and be ready to tell him he is needed in the house when you see he is being made fun of and not understanding the situation.

[MomatHWTK]

In the latest series, Dr. Who was always hoping to be ginger and used the term. I would have had no idea it was considered an insult.

[Dandelion]

As a mom whose son is equally socially clueless, I would say that you're not overreacting. My DS is exactly like your DS in this regard (and since this was mentioned upthread - FWIW, he has Asperger's).

 

To me, the main issues here are that (a) your DS doesn't recognize when kids are being mean, so in a way, he's defenseless and ( b ) these other kids seem to be taking advantage of his weakness in this area. The actual name wouldn't bother me as much as the dynamics of what is happening. If your DS did not have this blind spot, I'd respond differently. But because he does, I think he needs a little more protection and intervention from you than he would if he was "typical" in this regard.

 

I wouldn't say anything to the other kids (because that will just give them something else to make fun of him for), but I would do my best to keep him away from them when the teens are around. Since you'll only be there for a few more months, it's just a temporary intervention.

[sassenach]

Yikes, I've never ever thought of Ginger as an insult. In fact, my teen uses it as a term of endearment towards our friend's little boy whose a redhead. I've only ever heard it used in an affectionate way. I can't speak to the situation last weekend, but I definitely wouldn't assume that the teens meant ginger in any negative way.

 

I'd also be weary of training your ds to think that ginger is an insult. It might rub you the wrong way, but I don't think it's generally used to insult redheads.

[Scrub Jay]

Well, if they watch South Park then, yes, I do think they are teasing him by calling him Ginger.

[Hockey Mom]

The term "Ginger" has been used in a derogatory way toward me when I was a child (spent a few years in England). Thus, my sensitivity toward the term.

 

Someone asked if he had Asperger's. I have no idea. Honestly, it never even crossed my mind to have him tested for it until I started reading this board.

 

I'm not sure if he endures the ridicule because he wants friends so badly, if he doesn't view it as a big deal, or if he really doesn't understand that they're making fun of him. I know DS8 if far more selective in who he chooses to befriend. DS10 will be friends with anyone.

[Grover]

(strong language)

[mom2bee]

I never knew that Ginger was mean or derogatory.

I work with a redheaded guy and he calls himself (proudly) a ginger. He is the only one in his family.

When I was a child, I had reddish hair and LOVED IT, I got my hair color from my maternal grandmother. We aren't white, so it was pretty novel for me to have red hair. Its more subdued in color now, but I never thought of being Ginger or Red as derogatory. Where are you FROM and where do you live currently, perhaps it is a geo-cultural thing....

[nmoira]

 

 

You beat me to it.

[unsinkable]

I've only heard Ginger used in a mean mocking way...

[Laurie]

Well, if they watch South Park then, yes, I do think they are teasing him by calling him Ginger.

 

 

I agree.

 

(If anyone wants to check this out, google Kick a Ginger Day.)

[mom2bee]

The term "Ginger" has been used in a derogatory way toward me when I was a child (spent a few years in England). Thus, my sensitivity toward the term.

I don't think being in England and being called a Ginger is supposed to be bad. Ed Sheeran calls himself a ginger. But I don't know...I remeber reading some things about Anti-RedHaired events in the UK.

I'm not sure if he endures the ridicule because he wants friends so badly, if he doesn't view it as a big deal, or if he really doesn't understand that they're making fun of him. I know DS8 if far more selective in who he chooses to befriend. DS10 will be friends with anyone.

 

Well maybe I should be tested for Aspergers, though I am a girl, because I was and am just like your son. Not everyone is sensitive. I still don't always know when people are mocking me or making fun, but it doesn't bother me, and when I know that someone is trying to be mean or hurt me, so what? Just because they are inviting me to be angry or hurt, doesn't mean that I have to oblige. And if I can get myself a few rounds of tag or football out of the event, then why would I--being hurt and angry spoils fun.

I don't think that the boys meant Ginger to be cruel, but talk to their parents about that particular term and let them know how you feel about it and why. Its possible that it wasn't meant as a Hate Crack at all...

[momto5blessings]

Four of my five children are red-heads, and several other children in the neighborhood are as well. My children have always been called gingers, and it never seemed derogatory to me. It isn't ever said in a mean, derogative tone. Maybe the kids in question don't mean it in a derogative way. I know what you mean about your son not understanding he is being made fun of. I have a child who was that way as well. It changes as they get older, and they do begin to recognize it.

[Catwoman]

In my little world, Ginger is a girl or a name for a poodle. So yes, I would be annoyed if someone gave my ds that nickname.

 

FWIW, when I think of Ginger, I think of a movie star on a three hour tour with Gilligan, the Skipper, the Professor, Mary Ann, and the Howells. ;)

[Lisa in SC]

My YDD is in public high school, and Ginger is always used affectionately in her circles. She has red through her hair, but really wishes she was a full redhead. She is as sweet as they come and wouldn't be a part of any teasing, etc. Maybe it's a regional thing? The responses seem to be coming from different experiences with the use of the term.

 

I wouldn't say anything to the teens, but I think you do need to keep an eye on things, especially since you know your son struggles in this area. Keep modeling/explaining social cues, etc., but also love the fact that your son is very accepting of others and is so friendly. Hugs!

[GailV]

In the latest series, Dr. Who was always hoping to be ginger and used the term. I would have had no idea it was considered an insult.

 

 

:iagree: Kids around here, Whovians or not, consider it more of an endearment.

 

I just asked 13yo, and she WANTS to be a ginger, so would consider it a compliment. But she can see the point of finding it annoying since it's something you have no control over.

[Ipsey]

The term "Ginger" can be used in an ugly way or as an endearing way. I've always heard it as an endearment, and only learned that it could be considered an insult a couple of years ago thanks to the Tim Minchin video, already linked to. :)

 

I wonder if the teens hadn't just learned the word and thought it was "neat" and they had a new nickname.

 

I think the point would be to, perhaps, find some social intervention that can help you son to better understand situations and be able to identify what is meant as cruelty vs. what is meant by a gesture of friendship. (In my circles, being given a nickname was a sign that you were now "in-group").

 

I can't know how it was meant, but . . . my best friend growing up was the most fiery red-head there ever was, and she referred to herself as a Ginger, and took pride in it. I'm going to email her and ask her if she'd ever heard of it as a derogatory term. (I suppose she probably has, being a middle-aged lady by now), but I don't know if she knew it when she was a kid.

[laundrycrisis]

Well maybe I should be tested for Aspergers, though I am a girl, because I was and am just like your son. Not everyone is sensitive. I still don't always know when people are mocking me or making fun, but it doesn't bother me, and when I know that someone is trying to be mean or hurt me, so what? Just because they are inviting me to be angry or hurt, doesn't mean that I have to oblige. And if I can get myself a few rounds of tag or football out of the event, then why would I--being hurt and angry spoils fun.

I don't think that the boys meant Ginger to be cruel, but talk to their parents about that particular term and let them know how you feel about it and why. Its possible that it wasn't meant as a Hate Crack at all...

 

There is a difference between truly not having the ability to recognize when you are being made fun of, vs being able to recognize it, but choosing to not to let it get to you. Aspies can have great difficulty learning to read social cues and understand social situations. They obviously stand out from their peers because they appear so socially out of sync. They can also tend to talk excessively about topics that interest them greatly but seem obscure and odd to others. Because they are so interested in the topic, and don't easily understand social situations or others' reactions, they don't know that they are seen as odd for talking so much about their special interest.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry you're hurting for your son. I'm sure I would be, too! If it were me, I'd skip over the Ginger part this time, and try and get to the root of the problem instead. I would want to know why my son doesn't pick up on social cues. I don't really have any answer to that, and I don't think I'd involve him in my trying to figure that part out yet either. (I guess why hurt his feelings if he's oblivious to it?) Perhaps you could also work with him -- gently -- on social skills. Maybe practice role playing with you, on when to talk -- and then when to stop. Help him understand that most people don't really care to hear someone else talk on and on and on. Perhaps you can help him come up with questions he can ask others, to redirect the conversation back to the other person.

 

People shouldn't make fun of him in any situation, and I'm sorry they are doing that to him.

[Ipsey]

There is a difference between truly not having the ability to recognize when you are being made fun of, vs being able to recognize it, but choosing to not to let it get to you. Aspies can have great difficulty learning to read social cues and understand social situations. They obviously stand out from their peers because they appear so socially out of sync. They can also tend to talk excessively about topics that interest them greatly but seem obscure and odd to others. Because they are so interested in the topic, and don't easily understand social situations or others' reactions, they don't know that they are seen as odd for talking so much about their special interest.

 

Yes, I agree with this and the previous comment about speech therapy. Part of speech therapy is helping students understand communication, not just the language itself, but the social implications and interaction. One of the major areas for social language development when working with Aspie children is teaching them about topic transitions (because they tend to fixate on one) and reading another person's interest in the current topic of conversation.

 

This is not at all to make a diagnosis! But, when I read the OP I had that little dinging go on in my head, and since a couple of other people have mentioned it, I just want to concur that it might be something you can look into.

 

Perhaps he can just use some speech therapy to help him navigate social communicative interactions without the embarassment/stress etc. Poor kiddo.

 

And poor parents. I'm sorry it was such a hurt!

[Laurie4b]

You've identified a cluster of things that are typical of Aspergers, but it's possible are something else. Even so, it sounds like he could benefit from social skills training: He monologues with people, the kids who respond best to him are younger, kids his own age and older make fun of him , and he doesn't pick up when he's being made fun of. Of course, making fun of others is wrong, but it can also be a social red flag to you if it happens in many situations with many different kids. It means they are perceiving something that's different, and that is worth looking into. The reason I would look into it is because people can do minor little things that seem "off" to others and though adults don't overtly make fun very often of each other, they do tend to avoid people who are kind of different. It would be a huge help to your son to begin to identify what those things are (monologuing is one of them) so that he is better equipped to develop social relationships. Kids tend to tune into this in other kids much more astutely than adults.

 

I would not assume the word ginger is derogatory. I've only heard it used positively, typically by redheads about themselves or their kids. I agree with a pp who said not to teach him that it is derogatory because he could be insulted by something that someone means positively.

 

You can buy books on social skills training. Ask on the special needs board.

[Laurie4b]

You've identified a cluster of things that may be Aspergers, but even if not, could benefit from social skills training: He doesn't know how to initiate social interaction with kids his age, he monologues with people, the kids who respond best to him are younger, kids his own age and older make fun of him , and he doesn't pick up when he's being made fun of. Of course, making fun of others is wrong, but it can also be a social red flag to you if it happens in many situations with many different kids. It means they are perceiving something that's different, and that is worth looking into. The reason I would look into it is because people can do minor little things that seem "off" to others and though adults don't overtly make fun very often of each other, they do tend to avoid people who are kind of different. It would be a huge help to your son to begin to identify what those things are (monologuing is one of them) so that he is better equipped to develop social relationships. Kids tend to tune into this in other kids much more astutely than adults.

 

I would not assume the word ginger is derogatory. I've only heard it used positively, typically by redheads about themselves or their kids. I agree with a pp who said not to teach him that it is derogatory because he could be insulted by something that someone means positively.

[kitten18]

 

I agree.

 

(If anyone wants to check this out, google Kick a Ginger Day.)

 

Yep, that's what I was thinking about too.

 

 

My heart hurts for you and your boy. :crying: :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

In the latest series, Dr. Who was always hoping to be ginger and used the term. I would have had no idea it was considered an insult.

 

 

This is the first thing that popped into my head too. My dd has a couple of red headed friends that think is is cool that The Dr. wants to be a ginger.

[HS Mom in NC]

A redhead here. I wouldn't categorically consider a reference to hair color an insult. I've been called "Big Red' (at the time I was 5'2 " tall and 95 pounds) and "That little redheaded gal" and "that little red headed gal with the Asian kid." (My youngest is an adoptee from S. Korea.) So far, I've never once been offended because no one was using it in a nasty tone of voice or insulting way. People comment on red hair. They just do. I don't understand the compulsion to do it, but a week doesn't go by that someone-usually a stranger comments on my hair.

 

Being obviously an adoptive family with 4 Caucasians and 1 Asian in it, I've learned that people feel the need to state the obvious and have their questions confirmed. Usually they phrase things in awkward ways that could be taken as an insult if the hearer chose to do so. It's extremely rare that anyone is being cruel. They just can't stand wondering about things-they have to know. Read all the threads about people commenting on differences in family resemblances and you'll see this is just part of human nature.

 

Do you have any older brothers? I don't mean the engineering types that couldn't stand to be dirty or play with rough and tumble boys. I have 3 uncouth Tarzans. Do you understand that in very male cultural settings teasing is a way to build camaraderie? Have you ever read about military personnel in their all male environments? Have you met frat boys? Teasing, taunting, and humorous insults are actually play for them. My brothers (now in their 40s) still tease each other and me about being bald, crazy, stupid, annoying, ugly, cowardly, dumb, fat and the like. It's all very affectionate and no one takes offense. America is a hyper-feminized culture dominated by single mothers and mostly female teachers. While it is very possible those boys were being mean, it's also very possible they were being male and including him in male weirdness. My mother calls it, "The defective Y chromosome."

[skeeterbug]

The term "Ginger" has been used in a derogatory way toward me when I was a child (spent a few years in England). Thus, my sensitivity toward the term.

 

It seems to be a derogatory term here in Australia. But growing up in America I had never heard it, ever. It sounds like these kids could have meant it as an insult but I would guess more in a teasing way than a more derogatory way.

 

I'm sorry for your younger son who can see what's going on. It must be hard on him, too. :grouphug:

[Trish]

I am not a redhead. I know "ginger" CAN be used obnoxiously, but I do not always perceive it as derogatory. Is it *always* derogatory? (I really would like to know).

 

Do any of the other kids have nicknames? Boys often give each other less than flattering nicknames. You are only going to be there another 2 months. I would choose battles carefully.

 

Sorry it has hurt you so much. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

My only impression of it is that it's a term used in bullying. There have been news stories about kids who got hurt on "Beat Up A Ginger Day" ör Kick A Ginger Day, etc. I'd be a little worried that someone will have heard of that and take it to the next level.

[Hockey Mom]

There is a difference between truly not having the ability to recognize when you are being made fun of, vs being able to recognize it, but choosing to not to let it get to you. Aspies can have great difficulty learning to read social cues and understand social situations. They obviously stand out from their peers because they appear so socially out of sync. They can also tend to talk excessively about topics that interest them greatly but seem obscure and odd to others. Because they are so interested in the topic, and don't easily understand social situations or others' reactions, they don't know that they are seen as odd for talking so much about their special interest.

 

 

To the bolded: that is my DS10. BUT, when I brought that up to two different pediatricians, both shrugged it off as no big deal. I don't know if I should continue pursuing this, or if it's just a part of his personality. Of course, because DS10 is fascinated with the human body, he and one of the doctors had a somewhat lengthy discussion about the human brain, and the doctor asked me if he was gifted, and I told him I haven't had him tested. He then made some notes in the file, and told me he was a very bright kid. Now to ME, I couldn't care less about DS10's ramblings about the human brain, but the doctor seemed pretty impressed with it. So, I just don't know if I should continue pursuing to see if he's Aspie or if I just haven't properly taught him how to tell when he's being picked on.

 

My DS10 is the kindest, sweetest boy. This is a child who gets teary-eyed watching 'Save the Children' and Humane Society commercials. He wants to save them all. And at the same time, he is the most stubborn, strong-willed kid I've ever seen. Is he Aspie? I don't know. I do plan to research it more to see if it warrants another appointment.

 

Regarding the 'ginger' term. DS10 had no idea if it was "nice" or not. Dh (also a red head) was the one who was watching and listening, and he determined that it was said to mock him. *I* was the one who got upset because *I* have had bad, horrible experiences with the term. It's great that many of you see it as no big deal, but to ME, it is a girl's name at best, and highly insensitive at worst. Neither option is, IMO, an acceptable nickname for the neighborhood boys to call my son.

 

I have a younger brother who was a redhead. He was teased far worse than I was when he was a child. Dh was teased worse than I was. Both of them were horribly bullied as a result of their red hair. THIS (coupled with my experience) is the reason I asked if I was overreacting to this situation.

 

My boys both play ice hockey. DS10 is a very talented player, so perhaps that is why the kids at the rink don't tease him, but outside of the rink (and church), he simply can not tell the difference between kids who are teasing in fun, and kids who are wielding words as weapons. Someone mentioned how Americans are trending toward feminizing our boys. I assure you that is not the case here. My boys act and play like boys. But I fully expect them to treat all people with respect.

[SKL]

In a way, it's good that your son is not understanding the insult, which goes to prove that nobody can make you feel badly without your permission.

 

However, I would probably look into the issue with your son, because you say this also happens with his age peers, and it is likely to lead to bigger problems.

 

As for the older neighbor boys, someone ought to have a mature talk with them about lifting others up and picking on someone their own size. :/ They should be ashamed.

[Remudamom]

One of my good buddies is a redhead. Her name is Ginger. I've never known her by anything else.

[Guest submarines]

In a way, it's good that your son is not understanding the insult, which goes to prove that nobody can make you feel badly without your permission.

 

However, I would probably look into the issue with your son, because you say this also happens with his age peers, and it is likely to lead to bigger problems.

 

As for the older neighbor boys, someone ought to have a mature talk with them about lifting others up and picking on someone their own size. :/ They should be ashamed.

 

:iagree: This is also much better than my 10 year old, who also doesn't understand good-natured teasing from insults, but instead she perceives pretty much everything as an insult. This is way more challenging and can be frustrating.

 

Hugs to your sweet boy. :grouphug:

[sparrow]

To the bolded: that is my DS10. BUT, when I brought that up to two different pediatricians, both shrugged it off as no big deal. I don't know if I should continue pursuing this, or if it's just a part of his personality. Of course, because DS10 is fascinated with the human body, he and one of the doctors had a somewhat lengthy discussion about the human brain, and the doctor asked me if he was gifted, and I told him I haven't had him tested. He then made some notes in the file, and told me he was a very bright kid. Now to ME, I couldn't care less about DS10's ramblings about the human brain, but the doctor seemed pretty impressed with it. So, I just don't know if I should continue pursuing to see if he's Aspie or if I just haven't properly taught him how to tell when he's being picked on.

 

My DS10 is the kindest, sweetest boy. This is a child who gets teary-eyed watching 'Save the Children' and Humane Society commercials. He wants to save them all. And at the same time, he is the most stubborn, strong-willed kid I've ever seen. Is he Aspie? I don't know. I do plan to research it more to see if it warrants another appointment.

 

Regarding the 'ginger' term. DS10 had no idea if it was "nice" or not. Dh (also a red head) was the one who was watching and listening, and he determined that it was said to mock him. *I* was the one who got upset because *I* have had bad, horrible experiences with the term. It's great that many of you see it as no big deal, but to ME, it is a girl's name at best, and highly insensitive at worst. Neither option is, IMO, an acceptable nickname for the neighborhood boys to call my son.

 

I have a younger brother who was a redhead. He was teased far worse than I was when he was a child. Dh was teased worse than I was. Both of them were horribly bullied as a result of their red hair. THIS (coupled with my experience) is the reason I asked if I was overreacting to this situation.

 

My boys both play ice hockey. DS10 is a very talented player, so perhaps that is why the kids at the rink don't tease him, but outside of the rink (and church), he simply can not tell the difference between kids who are teasing in fun, and kids who are wielding words as weapons. Someone mentioned how Americans are trending toward feminizing our boys. I assure you that is not the case here. My boys act and play like boys. But I fully expect them to treat all people with respect.

 

We've had a near identical situation happen with ds at about age 10, minus the ginger part, but being new to a neighborhood, having the kids play together initially, the neighbors having friends over, and them to deciding it was great time to come over and be nasty to my son. I'm ashamed to say, I did overreact, went all mama bear on their butts, and they've never played together again. That's really OK, in retrospect, as the neighbor boys are, well, morons, but I really shouldn't have gone charging out there.

 

All this to say, I totally get it, because I've got that sweet, quirky boy, too. My ds did get an official diagnosis of PDD-NOS at about age 8. He's bright, engaging, charms the pants off of every *adult* he comes in contact with--including the psychologist that diagnosed him, who said, "I wouldn't worry too much about this kid". Regarding your bolded, diagnosis did not help us that much, other than confirming that something was/is going on. I will say that he's finally getting a clue in social situations. Not all the time, but more often than not, at nearly 13 years old. I can tell he works hard to not be quite so quirky now, because he comes home from Scout meetings and runs in the basement--that's his stim and how he de-stresses.

 

:grouphug: Best wishes. I know how hard this is for a mama heart.

[Shawna in Texas]

There was also that meme that was circulating for a while. The gingers have no soul one. Google that and click on images and I imagine you be equally amused and horrified.

[Joker]

I seriously had no idea. I googled a bit but now must stop for my own peace of mind. I feel like there's this whole other thing I now need to warn my dd about so she's aware.

[Joanne]

I'm afraid for your concern and thread that the "ginger" issue will obscure the reality that your son is an easy target for tease and that he's oblivious to it.

 

Does he have a diagnosis of any kind?

 

Have you done and tried social coaching?

[Hockey Mom]

I'm afraid for your concern and thread that the "ginger" issue will obscure the reality that your son is an easy target for tease and that he's oblivious to it.

 

Does he have a diagnosis of any kind?

 

Have you done and tried social coaching?

You are correct, in that the 'ginger' issue is not the real issue. It's just the most recent. And my experience with the term is, admittedly, clouding my perception.

 

In my attempts to discuss this, with two different pediatricians, I have been dismissed (for lack of a better word) when I brought it up. I lay out situations we have encountered, the doctor asks DS questions, and I get the 'I don't think he needs to be tested for it' speech. The problem, I believe, is that DS 'turns it on and off' on a dime. In the car, he will ramble on and on and on about his most recent Lego creation, but when the doctor asks him about it, he gives a reasonable response. He doesn't avoid eye contact or stare, he engages normally. It's frustrating for me in that, he's quirky...but he can be "non-quirky" when the situation warrants it. So no, there is no diagnosis. I will say that he DOES obsess on things. Last year it was the human body. This year, after our trip to Kennedy Space Center, it renewed his obsession with space flight. And of course...legos. He spends a good year on ONE topic to learn about on his own.

 

Dh thinks that DS10 is so desperate for friends right now that he's willing to be a 'door mat' in order to have the perception that these kids will be his friends. He greatly misses his best buddy from back home (also a quirky kid). Regardless, we will be working with him going forward so that he can tell the difference between being mocked and having fun.

[HSmomof2]

 

You are correct, in that the 'ginger' issue is not the real issue. It's just the most recent. And my experience with the term is, admittedly, clouding my perception.

 

In my attempts to discuss this, with two different pediatricians, I have been dismissed (for lack of a better word) when I brought it up. I lay out situations we have encountered, the doctor asks DS questions, and I get the 'I don't think he needs to be tested for it' speech. The problem, I believe, is that DS 'turns it on and off' on a dime. In the car, he will ramble on and on and on about his most recent Lego creation, but when the doctor asks him about it, he gives a reasonable response. He doesn't avoid eye contact or stare, he engages normally. It's frustrating for me in that, he's quirky...but he can be "non-quirky" when the situation warrants it. So no, there is no diagnosis. I will say that he DOES obsess on things. Last year it was the human body. This year, after our trip to Kennedy Space Center, it renewed his obsession with space flight. And of course...legos. He spends a good year on ONE topic to learn about on his own.

 

Dh thinks that DS10 is so desperate for friends right now that he's willing to be a 'door mat' in order to have the perception that these kids will be his friends. He greatly misses his best buddy from back home (also a quirky kid). Regardless, we will be working with him going forward so that he can tell the difference between being mocked and having fun.

 

[HSmomof2]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I completely understand your concern and frustration. My Ds(10) is exactly like this. I've gotten nowhere with his pediatrician and a psychologist....

[Unicorn.]

I don't think you are over reacting about the treatment he is receiving. I would be very vigilant about his playing w/ these kids. I do think the teens probably meant it as derogatory, but not everyone does. The teens here use it as an endearment, not an insult. I would work on social coaching w/ him, and kudos to little brother for watching out for him.

[SKL]

Since he has been able to "turn it on and off," have you done some social coaching with him to encourage him to "turn it off" when he's with other kids?

 

Honestly, I used to be like this (the blabbing on one subject), and I'm not aspie (though it runs in my family, so maybe a touch). A good friend (in grad school) pointed out that not everyone wants to spend that much time talking about my interests. It probably would have been nice to have someone tell me this when I was younger. I mean, I knew it as a general thing, but nobody told me I was guilty and should work on that.

[Laurie4b]

To the bolded: that is my DS10. BUT, when I brought that up to two different pediatricians, both shrugged it off as no big deal. I don't know if I should continue pursuing this, or if it's just a part of his personality. Of course, because DS10 is fascinated with the human body, he and one of the doctors had a somewhat lengthy discussion about the human brain, and the doctor asked me if he was gifted, and I told him I haven't had him tested. He then made some notes in the file, and told me he was a very bright kid. Now to ME, I couldn't care less about DS10's ramblings about the human brain, but the doctor seemed pretty impressed with it. So, I just don't know if I should continue pursuing to see if he's Aspie or if I just haven't properly taught him how to tell when he's being picked on.

 

My DS10 is the kindest, sweetest boy. This is a child who gets teary-eyed watching 'Save the Children' and Humane Society commercials. He wants to save them all. And at the same time, he is the most stubborn, strong-willed kid I've ever seen. Is he Aspie? I don't know. I do plan to research it more to see if it warrants another appointment.

 

Regarding the 'ginger' term. DS10 had no idea if it was "nice" or not. Dh (also a red head) was the one who was watching and listening, and he determined that it was said to mock him. *I* was the one who got upset because *I* have had bad, horrible experiences with the term. It's great that many of you see it as no big deal, but to ME, it is a girl's name at best, and highly insensitive at worst. Neither option is, IMO, an acceptable nickname for the neighborhood boys to call my son.

 

I have a younger brother who was a redhead. He was teased far worse than I was when he was a child. Dh was teased worse than I was. Both of them were horribly bullied as a result of their red hair. THIS (coupled with my experience) is the reason I asked if I was overreacting to this situation.

 

My boys both play ice hockey. DS10 is a very talented player, so perhaps that is why the kids at the rink don't tease him, but outside of the rink (and church), he simply can not tell the difference between kids who are teasing in fun, and kids who are wielding words as weapons. Someone mentioned how Americans are trending toward feminizing our boys. I assure you that is not the case here. My boys act and play like boys. But I fully expect them to treat all people with respect.

 

 

Peds and other primary care docs are not always as clued in to spectrum issues as one would hope, especially if symptoms are not smack-you-in-the-face obvious. However, one characteristic is that they relate better to adults than kids their age! Some centers use diagnosis that does involve assessing actual interactions with kids their age in play settings. Your description of your ds contained several typical Aspie issues, not just not understanding he's being teased. If there are any autism groups around, ask them where to take him to get tested. You want a good eval. Knowing will help you get the kinds of information and services that will help him most. One of my ds's has a friend with Aspergers who is doing well in college. He integrated socially into his peer group at our church with the deliberate help of adults. His mom thinks that made all the difference for him.

[Word Nerd]

I haven't heard the term used in a mean way before, but it does sound like these boys likely meant it in a mocking way.

[Laurie4b]

 

 

Dh thinks that DS10 is so desperate for friends right now that he's willing to be a 'door mat' in order to have the perception that these kids will be his friends. He greatly misses his best buddy from back home (also a quirky kid). Regardless, we will be working with him going forward so that he can tell the difference between being mocked and having fun.

 

 

What's even more important is that he doesn't understand what he is doing that is triggering the mocking. It's the same things that keep him from having friends. That's where I would focus. IOW, though it sounds like "blaming the victim" (and is no excuse for mocking), the mocking is a big social cue that he just did something that was quirky. If you and he and/or a professional who works with spectrumy kids with social skills can identify those things, the mocking will get taken care of.

 

Social stories are very helpful with kids on the spectrum --not saying that yours is, but given that you've wondered, that's a possibility. Even if he doesn't qualify for the diagnosis, those techniques might still be helpful.

 

Also, be careful about teaching him about social skills that you actually teach him the subtle appropriate ones. A friend who works with kids with autism told me that one of the things that actually was a negative was doing what their female teachers had taught them: Go up to a group you might want to play with, introduce yourself, and say, "Do you want to play (or something of the sort)?" Other kids go up to a group, do not introduce themselves, hang around and wait for a chance to enter in to what the group is doing, and do it. So some social skills training is obvious (how to notice you are monologuing) and some is very subtle--how to enter into a group.