Child having a birthday...is it OK for a parent to not be there?

[TheApprentice]

I voted it's OK. But that's not how we role in our family. For other families, it may be no big deal. It's not my place to judge.

[SKL]

Everyone complains about young people and their entitlement attitudes. Stuff like this is why they have entitlement issues. Kids don't need a party every year. The world doesn't revolve around them, and parents have a right to have a life and make plans of their own. Now, missing a child's wedding, or the birth of a child for a frivolous trip... NO.

 

OP- this wasn't directed at you, just my take on an issue.

 

 

ETA: and yes we celebrate birthdays around here

 

We don't do parties, but I think it's important to make the child feel special on her birthday, from morning to night. It's not a material thing (though people do give presents, not necessarily on the day). If that makes my kid feel entitled, I can live with that. However, I got that kind of treatment as a child and I am certain it did not make me feel "entitled."

[razorbackmama]

Hmm, clearly there is a lot of back-story to your situation. Since it is a family celebration, instead of a party with other guests attending, can you plan it for a time dh is there? My kids would have *no* problem with two celebrations. :D We would do an acknowledgement with a treat on the actual birthday, and the big cake and gifts on a day dh could be there.

That is what we'll end up doing. It's what we usually do since he usually is gone on birthdays because of work.

 

If he is choosing to visit his family of birth on the weekend of your dd's birthday, then I am sorry. :grouphug: Some people have a hard time getting out from under the guilt their parents pile on. :001_huh: I've learned more about inlaws with boundary issues on TWM than I ever thought possible.

Thanks. Think "Everybody Loves Raymond.":001_huh: Yep, that's the deal. He actually COULD come back the day before. But he apparently thinks it's not up to him. Maybe since they have this hang-up about birthdays (they FLIPPED when we tried to do just a family celebration with our oldest dd's first birthday...and we won't even talk about Christmas...they have refused several times to celebrate it on a different day), they'll say he needs to be back in time for her birthday.

 

We don't do parties, but I think it's important to make the child feel special on her birthday, from morning to night. It's not a material thing (though people do give presents, not necessarily on the day). If that makes my kid feel entitled, I can live with that. However, I got that kind of treatment as a child and I am certain it did not make me feel "entitled."

This is the way we roll too. Birthday child gets to choose the meals (within reason LOL) and doesn't have to do chores. We also take off school.

 

I will say that while they may not feel entitled about "stuff" or parties, they are in for a rude awakening when they get a job and have to actually go to work on their birthday. ROFLOL!!!!!!

[Impish]

Honestly, unless it was a crisis w/MIL, I'd have a HUGE problem w/Wolf choosing to be w/her, rather than be home for one of the kids' birthdays.

 

Right or wrong, I'd feel like he was putting her ahead of the kids.

 

But, as I said earlier, our kids birthdays are a big deal in our house, w/him even taking a vacation day when he can, so that he can spend the whole day w/them and do something special.

[oceanseve]

Have you told your DH that you are concerned about how the older kids will interpret his absence? Sounds like you need to sit down with him and talk about it. In the end it's his choice where he wants to be and it's up to you if you want to feel upset about it or just view it as one of your husbands acceptable flaws that he can't say no to his parents. Everyone has different family dynamics. I know people that wouldn't have a problem with it because the dad would find a day to spend with said child and make it special whether ON their birthday or not, doesn't matter. My husband has missed many bdays and parties due to work. I hate it, but he feels like he has no choice so nothing is going to change that. Why be upset about it?

 

If it's important to you to spend the day as a complete family unit, can you change your plans and go with him? Maybe that is the inlaws goal anyway? (sorry if I missed a post with particulars, I just caught the jist of him going to see his parents)

[vonfirmath]

Our kids would be okay with a phone call and a party at a later date. We rarely party on the day. We even celebrate Christmas on the wrong day when my sister goes to her inlaws. ;)

 

This. We've celebrated Christmas on the day after Christmas (And the day before on occasion) because that fit the greater plans better. (This is made easier since we don't do Santa) Birthdays get celebrated around the time of the actual day and often celebrated over a couple of weeks all told with birthday presents arriving, and such!

[Laurie4b]

I chose "other" because I think it depends on how important the kids have been trained to think the actual day is.

 

In our house, we might delay celebration of a birthday to another day, and that would be fine. It's our family culture. Other families make a huge big deal out of "the day." In a family culture like that, it would obviously hurt the feelings of a child old enough to know that a parent wasn't there. Obviously, with a kid young enough not to know the difference, it doesn't matter at all and if there is a conflict, it falls into "marital dispute" only. Nothing to do with the kid.

 

It appears that this is about a family in which there is NOT an agreed on family culture, though. That is for the mom and dad to work out for the sake of the kids. The kids are hurt by the interpretation and/or the conflict , not the parent simply being gone.

[Catwoman]

On the flip side...the reason behind this poll is because sometimes I think I am just expecting too much...maybe I'm the one who doesn't grasp what "normal" is? So it does help (somewhat) to know that at least I'm not just being persnickity about "little" things like this.

 

In our house, birthdays are not "little things," so it would not be at all acceptable for either me or my dh to be away from home on any of our birthdays unless there was some sort of huge medical emergency or something like that.

[oceanseve]

In our house, we might delay celebration of a birthday to another day, and that would be fine. It's our family culture. Other families make a huge big deal out of "the day."

 

I agree, my MIL apparently used to lie to her children (when they were little) about when their actual birthday was if they couldn't celebrate it ON the day :confused: Wierd IMO. She assumed I did the same with mine when DD's bday fell midweek this year, "Well, does she know it's her actual birthday today?" "Ummmm.... yeah....."

[JFJ in IL]

I voted other because I feel like as a family you could hold off on the cake and family celebration until both parents are home. Of course the gift giving could come on the actual birthday and the out of town parent would just have to miss out on that fun...

[LucyStoner]

I think it is strange if it is a matter of course/happens a lot for optional reasons. Is some one is deployed, can't get off work or ill or dealing with an out of town family emergency, I get it and it shouldn't be an issue. But if someone is just choosing to spend time with other people instead, that is strange IMO. Especially if it is family and perhaps they could visit y'all instead of him visiting them. I personally would be seriously irked if my husband couldn't find the balls to say "no, my kids come first. I can come these dates but have to be home for Jane's birthday on the 17th."

[Murphy101]

Read a bit more. Dh would not spend their birthday anywhere except work or with me. Mil is not that high on the hierarchy here. ;)

[razorbackmama]

Honestly, unless it was a crisis w/MIL, I'd have a HUGE problem w/Wolf choosing to be w/her, rather than be home for one of the kids' birthdays.

Pretty much this. It's not a "crisis" per se...he's helping his dad build some things on his farm. He'll have been there almost a week already by the time the birthday rolls around.

 

Right or wrong, I'd feel like he was putting her ahead of the kids.

Ummmmm....this is it in a nutshell.

But, as I said earlier, our kids birthdays are a big deal in our house, w/him even taking a vacation day when he can, so that he can spend the whole day w/them and do something special.

Yeah, no, that doesn't happen. Work is Numero Uno. So my kids are used to that. But this time work isn't the reason.

 

Have you told your DH that you are concerned about how the older kids will interpret his absence? Sounds like you need to sit down with him and talk about it. In the end it's his choice where he wants to be and it's up to you if you want to feel upset about it or just view it as one of your husbands acceptable flaws that he can't say no to his parents.

Very true. No, we haven't sat down and talked about it, but that's because we don't sit down and talk about anything. He does know that I'm surprised/unhappy that he's not planning to be home on the birthday. He got extremely defensive about it, saying he doesn't know when he'll get to come back, etc. I know that once he goes into that mode he doesn't hear a word I say so I dropped it. Then I got to wondering if maybe my expectations were just a bit high and posted this poll.

 

Everyone has different family dynamics. I know people that wouldn't have a problem with it because the dad would find a day to spend with said child and make it special whether ON their birthday or not, doesn't matter.

That is definitely not the case here.

 

My husband has missed many bdays and parties due to work. I hate it, but he feels like he has no choice so nothing is going to change that. Why be upset about it?

You're right, and with work I'm much more understanding (though with my husband, he does have somewhat of a choice...there is a HUGE backstory though). And I can't say I'm necessarily "upset," just sad that, once again, something else comes before family.

 

If it's important to you to spend the day as a complete family unit, can you change your plans and go with him? Maybe that is the inlaws goal anyway? (sorry if I missed a post with particulars, I just caught the jist of him going to see his parents)

No. He will actually be home for about 10 days before he'll turn around and take us all there with him for a week. He is planning to work his dad's cows (fil is a cattle farmer and dh is a veterinarian) during that time, but apparently fil has his cows in a weird pasture with no way to get them out, so they have to build this whole big pen thing to be able to gather up the cows and move them. So dh is going ahead to help build this thing so that they don't have to do it while we ALL are there (which would extend our stay quite a bit).

 

It appears that this is about a family in which there is NOT an agreed on family culture, though. That is for the mom and dad to work out for the sake of the kids. The kids are hurt by the interpretation and/or the conflict , not the parent simply being gone.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. And there is soooooooooooooooooooooo much more to it than this particular issue, but basically you've summed it up. We are living 2 separate lives, have VERY different goals/ideas about what is important, and the kids are caught in the middle. Dh is constantly changing on different issues like this...I can never keep up so I gave up trying.

 

I voted other because I feel like as a family you could hold off on the cake and family celebration until both parents are home. Of course the gift giving could come on the actual birthday and the out of town parent would just have to miss out on that fun...

That's usually what we do.:001_smile:

 

I think it is strange if it is a matter of course/happens a lot for optional reasons. Is some one is deployed, can't get off work or ill or dealing with an out of town family emergency, I get it and it shouldn't be an issue. But if someone is just choosing to spend time with other people instead, that is strange IMO. Especially if it is family and perhaps they could visit y'all instead of him visiting them. I personally would be seriously irked if my husband couldn't find the balls to say "no, my kids come first. I can come these dates but have to be home for Jane's birthday on the 17th."

OK the bolded part is pretty much it for me, but again, I thought maybe I was just expecting too much.

[Amy in NH]

If it is something necessary that cannot be scheduled at another time, then it would have to happen that way.

A parent who purposely schedules something unnecessary that takes them away on a child's birthday is inconsiderate and selfish IMO.

[Jean in Newcastle]

He got extremely defensive about it, saying he doesn't know when he'll get to come back, etc.

 

The bolded (if what you wrote was a quote) is what caught my attention. There is nothing wrong - in fact I would say that it is honorable - for him to go and help out his parents. I'm assuming that his parents are a bit older or otherwise actually need the help. . . But he and you should be deciding the timing together. I can see certain scenarios (where the ILs are paying for a plane ticket for example and the return date is set and non-refundable or it is much cheaper to return on that day) where it wouldn't bother me for the ILs to call the shots on the return date. And I could see if he's there to do a certain farming job that just isn't over until it is over (like haying) where he would have to be flexible - not for his parents as much as because of the nature of the help he is giving them. But the above wording suggests that it is more the whim of his mother and not that? That would bother me a lot and would suggest some serious boundary issues between him and his parents.

[oceanseve]

Oh! Thanks for the detail! Okay I can understand a little better now. He probably feels an obligation very similar to work to help his father with this project. It's all got to happen before the weather gets bad, so it's not as simple as doing it another time. In the end he'd feel guilty if he didn't go help, so would you want him there feeling like he should be somewhere else? Eh, I'd sit down tell him how I felt and tell him I understand he feels obligated, it still hurts, but he is free to do as he feels he needs to. Then let it go. Hopefully he feels some guilt for not being there for the bday and will put forth the effort to make it up somehow.

Edited October 19, 2012 by oceanseve

[razorbackmama]

If it is something necessary that cannot be scheduled at another time, then it would have to happen that way.

A parent who purposely schedules something unnecessary that takes them away on a child's birthday is inconsiderate and selfish IMO.

THIS I agree with. It was scheduled in between my birthday and the child's. (We're 8 days apart.) Then I found out that he's planning to drive back (15 hours) on her birthday.:001_huh: So I don't get it at all.

 

BUT really this is par for the course, so I shouldn't be surprised. Yet I am, if that makes sense.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm NOT talking about a work situation or military something or anything like that. I'm talking about a voluntary trip out of town or scheduling some sort of something "big" (again, not work) on a child's birthday. Do you think it's OK? Does it depend on which parent? Does it depend on whether the child is old enough to understand? Poll to follow.:D

 

ETA: I'm not referring to an actual birthday party, since we don't do those except rarely. I'm referring to birthday cake, etc. as a family. Nothing huge.

 

 

It seems there are a lot of people in your house. Eventually there is GOING to be a scheduling conflict. As long as a parent hasn't committed to helping host a party, then backed out for other plans, I don't see this as a big deal. You celebrate on a different day and go on with life. The kid wins because they end up being honored twice.

 

I can only see the birthday kid freaking out if the parent opposed to the idea makes it into a big thing. life is much less stressful when you're comfortable shifting around a calendar. (We've moved major holidays to avoid traffic.)

[LibraryLover]

Ehhhhh I wouldn't say that these things are the case. Definitely not a deadbeat. And he definitely loves the child(ren). He's away so much because he thinks he doesn't have a choice. And even in this situation, he thinks he doesn't have a say in the matter when he really does.

 

Ironically, the people he's going to see *freak out* about birthdays and celebrating them. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm reading it all wrong then. I'll go back to my first answer and say sometimes you can't be there on the day, but you can celebrate when you are there. Our family is fine with that. It seems the father is torn by his various responsibilities. He may be trying to go where he thinks the current need is greater.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm reading it all wrong then. I'll go back to my first answer and say sometimes you can't be there on the day, but you can celebrate when you are there. Our family is fine with that. It seems the father is torn by his various responsibilities. He may be trying to go where he thinks the current need is greater.

 

:iagree: I would tell the kids, "Isn't it great that dad can help out Gma and Gpa? He will do something special with us when he is back."

[razorbackmama]

The bolded (if what you wrote was a quote) is what caught my attention. There is nothing wrong - in fact I would say that it is honorable - for him to go and help out his parents. I'm assuming that his parents are a bit older or otherwise actually need the help. . .

Yes, his dad is 70 and still has a cattle farm. I'm fine with him helping...in fact I think I am the one who suggested it. I can't remember exactly.

 

But he and you should be deciding the timing together.

I agree, but that is not what happens. I don't get much say over anything like this.

 

I can see certain scenarios (where the ILs are paying for a plane ticket for example and the return date is set and non-refundable or it is much cheaper to return on that day) where it wouldn't bother me for the ILs to call the shots on the return date. And I could see if he's there to do a certain farming job that just isn't over until it is over (like haying) where he would have to be flexible - not for his parents as much as because of the nature of the help he is giving them.

Right. I agree. He is driving. And this is a thing where I think his dad was going to try to build this thing alone, but dh offered to help and fil said, "Oh could you? That'd be GREAT!" So in a way it will depend on how long it takes him, but in another way, he COULD still say, "I'll be there for 4 days and will get as much done as I can."

 

But the above wording suggests that it is more the whim of his mother and not that? That would bother me a lot and would suggest some serious boundary issues between him and his parents.

Father rather than mother, and YES, HUGE HUGE HUGE boundary issues. I could tell stories that would curl your hair. Dh has progressed SOOOOOOOO much in the 18 years we've been married, but the issues still pop up now and then.

 

It seems there are a lot of people in your house. Eventually there is GOING to be a scheduling conflict. As long as a parent hasn't committed to helping host a party, then backed out for other plans, I don't see this as a big deal. You celebrate on a different day and go on with life. The kid wins because they end up being honored twice.

 

I can only see the birthday kid freaking out if the parent opposed to the idea makes it into a big thing. life is much less stressful when you're comfortable shifting around a calendar. (We've moved major holidays to avoid traffic.)

Yes, conflicts can and do arise. I'm fine with those things that we simply can't do anything about. I'm not so fine when there is a choice.

 

It seems the father is torn by his various responsibilities. He may be trying to go where he thinks the current need is greater.

Yes I would agree with this. I guess I'm just frustrated and sad that the current need being greatest is never his family. I've known that, but we've never had this sort of thing come up with a birthday, and knowing how his family of origin is about birthdays, I was taken completely by surprise that he's willing to miss it.

[LibraryLover]

 

Yes I would agree with this. I guess I'm just frustrated and sad that the current need being greatest is never his family. I've known that, but we've never had this sort of thing come up with a birthday, and knowing how his family of origin is about birthdays, I was taken completely by surprise that he's willing to miss it.

 

 

Never?

[In The Great White North]

Not a problem - we just celebrate a day or two ( or more) earlier or later.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I am in the minority and said it would be okay. Our DD was born smack dab in the middle of hunting season; we rely on the meat DH gets from hunting so it is extremely important that he goes. DD has always understood. DH is great about making a big deal of birthdays, though, and makes sure he has a card, a special treat and a phone call ready for her on her special day.

 

This is the only reason, other than work, that would make one of us miss a birthday.

We always celebrate the birthdays as close to the birthday as we can get.

 

I agree with Library Lover when she says "We've always been of the mind that not every wonderful thing has to be celebrated with a party on the exact day. However, we always believe in celebrating the event."

[Dmmetler]

DH almost never goes to DD's birthday parties, simply because there's nothing for him to do, and it's usually exactly the kind of situation where his hearing difficulties make it hard for him to follow what's happening. However, DD's actual birthday is spent as a family somewhere, even if we're with DH wherever he's working at the time. If we had to, I expect we'd celebrate her birthday at a different time.

[Pawz4me]

With the caveat that our boys are teens -- It's okay for either parent to not be there.

 

We try to make birthdays a little special, but we all wear our big people underwear (and have for a good while now) and understand that life doesn't revolve around us. No big deal at all. I felt slightly different when the boys were younger, but it still wasn't a big deal if DH or I had to be away.

[razorbackmama]

:iagree: I would tell the kids, "Isn't it great that dad can help out Gma and Gpa? He will do something special with us when he is back."

I like that.

 

Never?

I should say rarely. He did actually call in sick to work for the week dd was in the hospital after a ruptured appendix. And since he has vacation time he has to use or he'll lose it completely, he will take about 2-3 weeks off work after I have a baby. But in general, our family life completely fits around his work. It is number 1. When we lived near his parents, their "needs" (note the quotes) were a close 2nd. If he doesn't have anything else going on, then sure he's there for us, but it has to be something DIRE before we would come before work.

[razorbackmama]

 

Ditto. Dh had to be out of town last year on dd's birthday and I think it broke his heart as much as it did hers.

Absolutely canNOT relate at all. If it DOES bother dh, he does not show it. In fact, he acts as though we are the ones who have the problem with him being gone so much, even when it's a special occasion of sorts.

[higginszoo]

We were gone for my oldest's 10th birthday (got back the day after). My birthday is just a couple of days before, and dh had a trip planned, and the dates weren't particularly flexible on the package. The dc were with my parents, and ds got plenty spoiled, plus still had a party when we got back. 4+ years later, he doesn't seem to have suffered any trauma from it.

ETA: FWIW Oldest dc chose to spend 12th and 13th birthdays at scout camp. We celebrated before or after those years.

Edited October 21, 2012 by higginszoo

[razorbackmama]

Truly, thanks for all of y'all's responses. There are many things that pop up in our family that don't seem "right" or "normal," and I wonder if maybe I am just wayyyyyyyyyyy out in left field or being overly sensitive (since that is how my reaction to xyz is treated). It helps to know that I'm not. It doesn't resolve the problem per se, but at least I know I'm not just being a you-know-what about it LOL.

[Julie Smith]

My kids usually have a birthday party at Gramma's on the weekend before or after the actual birthday.

 

It wouldn't bother me if dh didn't come along. Wouldn't bother my kids either. Even when he does come he usually goes off on his own since he finds it all to loud, and to many people. My boys sometimes feel the same way and go sit somewhere quietly with him.

 

(The party is a bunch of family members, kids playing around the house ... lunch and or dinner with a cake after one of those meals. So we aren't talking about a 2 or 3 hour party. Sometimes people are over at Gramma's for 6+ hours)

 

When I was an early teen my Dad had to leave the country for my b-day. What is funny is that happened year after year. It eventually turned into a family joke because he was not in the country for my birthday for about 15 years. Last year was the first time since I was a teen leaving at home. But he ended up going fishing with his buddies in a different province. So I still get to make fun. :)

 

It was never a big deal for me. I did enjoy jokingly bugging him about it.

[Plucky]

My dh travels and so often we have the family get together when he is home. I also encouraged my dh to go on a guys weekend the same week my kids had a big performance because he never, ever gets the opportunity. We sacrifice so much for our kids that I don't see the problem. The actual day doesn't matter to us as long as we do celebrate the event.

 

I do have a birthday celebration for whoever is here that day, but the family one is scheduled for when dad is home.

[AHASRADA]

When my elder dd was turning 1, dh decided to accompany his brother on a business trip on the other side of the country for a week (pleasure trip for dh). We had a 1st birthday party with said bil, sil, cousins, grandparents and great-grandparents.

 

Dh and his brother were at the party and didn't leave until the afternoon when all the guests had left, and I was still peeved. Just the idea of him skipping out on dd's 1st birthday left a bad taste in my mouth. Missing the festivities entirely, no matter how small, no way!!

[Ipsey]

Birthdays are not a huge deal in our house. We would have no problem simply celebrating on another day if that works out better for everyone.

 

Same here.

My husband was one of 9 kids. Birthdays were not big events. They got to choose the dinner, their dessert, etc. They were told happy Birthday in the morning, and . . . well, it was nice.

 

I had a few birthday parties as a kid, but my birthday was around Christmas. So, they were pretty simple, and as I got older, it became me and a couple of friends being driven to the nearest movie theater (2 hours away) and having a dinner and large cookie cake.

 

Birthdays in my families are days when we look over the baby books, have a special dinner, cake, etc. It's not something that we can't change to another day if necessary, or that a parent can't miss. (However, that parent would probably take the child out for a one-on-one meal--or something special when they returned.) It wouldn't be a horribly guilty thing,

[AndyJoy]

I've never understood the obsession with the actual date for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Even as a kid I didn't care about my "actual" birthday--just that it was celebrated! In fact, if my birthday fell on a weekday the celebration was usually extended and that was even more fun! If one parent had decided to skip out on the actual celebration because of some normal, ongoing thing that could be changed like a weekly card game or something, that would be hurtful. But to just plan to celebrate my birthday on a different day because of some other activity sounds perfectly reasonable to me! I've know women who pout when their husbands aren't home on their birthday or anniversary, but DH and I look at a calendar, talk about what commitments or even fun excursions we have going on and schedule a time to celebrate! We've celebrated Mother's Day, our anniversary, our birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all on different days before and it works great for us.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Was it just the one time you felt you were not special? Had she not shown her love for you prior? What was her reasoning for missing the one b'day. I can't see myself as that fragile, but I can see how it would seem very sad.

 

No, I didn't get a lot of love as a child. Hugs only happened when a family member we hadn't seen in a long time arrived and then again when they left. To this day I still feel weird giving hugs if it's not my husband or kids (who I hug every single day.)

 

I think she was going to help my aunt with a new baby. Which as an adult, I understand. But when I was really young we belonged to a church that banned birthday celebrations. Having a special dinner was pretty much it, and not even that happened. And yes, I was very emotional fragile because I came from an abusive situation when I was 4, and my father's parents who raised me were not very affectionate. (They did love me, in their own way.)

 

On my 5th birthday I had learned from school that birthdays were special and that you were suppose to get presents, cake, and have a party. On my 5th birthday all the local family members came to the house and had a special meal and activities. I thought it was suppose to be my birthday party, but I couldn't understand why no one was giving me any attention or even saying "happy birthday." Turns out it was Mother's day, not a party for me.

 

 

I'm not sharing this to get sympathy. My point is simply that kids hold on to things, often silently. If you've got a great relationship with your kids, and you do what you can to make it up to the child when you get back, and they're not too young, it probably wouldn't be such a problem.

[Mommy22alyns]

I don't know why a parent would intentionally miss their child's birthday. :confused: I had to miss Rebecca's 2nd birthday because I was in the hospital on bedrest with Sylvia. I still feel badly about it!

[Chris in VA]

I think I may have read the question incorrectly. For some reason I assumed this meant that a parent chose to be gone on the day the birthday is supposed to be celebrated. We rarely celebrate on the actual birthday. We usually choose the nearest Saturday for a party. Are we talking about being gone for the actual day? That would not be a big deal here. Missing the party- yes. Missing the actual day (as long as we weren't celebrating)- no. I guess I just assumed this was about a parent choosing to miss the birthday celebration. Sorry if I misunderstood!

 

That's funny to me, because I'm the opposite. I think both parents should be there on the actual day, if the family is celebrating, but I don't care if one parent is missing on a "friends over" type birthday party.

[Just Beachy]

It is not a big deal here. Dh travels for a living, so he is often gone anyway. It means we seldom celebrate on the actual day anyway. Dh did miss one of the girls' birthdays because he went on a golfing trip with some friends. He doesn't get to do that much (twice in the 17 years we've been married), so I was happy he had the chance to go. Truth is right now I don't remember which birthday or which dd was celebrating.

 

:) Beachy

[gardenmom5]

even for older kids who can "understand", it's hard. we spent two of my son's birthdays attending his sisters graduations. they just "happened" to be that weekend and required traveling cross-country. My younger dd was able to arrange for friends to provide him with a birthday cake. (which helped, but didn't make up for things.)

[Catwoman]

I guess I'm just frustrated and sad that the current need being greatest is never his family. I've known that, but we've never had this sort of thing come up with a birthday, and knowing how his family of origin is about birthdays, I was taken completely by surprise that he's willing to miss it.

 

That would absolutely not fly in my house. And if my dh wasn't putting my ds and me ahead of everyone else, we wouldn't be married any more. Period.

 

(Of course, I don't mean that when his mom was dying in the hospital, that he had to rush home to take me out to dinner so I would feel special :rolleyes: -- major emergencies are exempt from the rule!)

[HSMom2One]

Not being there for your own child's birthday is like telling them that their life isn't important to you. We need to shower love on our precious children, and let them know that they are indeed important and valued. My own children would have been devastated if one of their parents skipped the date, and so would I.

 

My guess is that the parent in question was not brought up with this in mind, so it's now an opportunity to help teach them about being considerate and also being good role models.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Ipsey]

Not being there for your own child's birthday is like telling them that their life isn't important to you. .....

My guess is that the parent in question was not brought up with this in mind. . . .

 

 

I've never trained my children to think that the birthday is the greatest day of their year, and that if someone is not there the child isn't loved or that their life isn't important. My children know they are loved every single day and that we are so glad to have them as our precious children.

 

I don't attach that to a single day so strongly that if something comes in conflict with that day that my children's whole belief in my dh's and my love for them could be put to question.

 

I honestly didn't realize what a super-huge deal birthdays were to some families. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine if families want to do big events, or maybe spend sun-up to sun-down focused on their one family member. That's just not the way my family works.

[Ipsey]

I chose "other" because I think it depends on how important the kids have been trained to think the actual day is.

 

In our house, we might delay celebration of a birthday to another day, and that would be fine. It's our family culture. Other families make a huge big deal out of "the day." In a family culture like that, it would obviously hurt the feelings of a child old enough to know that a parent wasn't there. Obviously, with a kid young enough not to know the difference, it doesn't matter at all and if there is a conflict, it falls into "marital dispute" only. Nothing to do with the kid.

 

It appears that this is about a family in which there is NOT an agreed on family culture, though. That is for the mom and dad to work out for the sake of the kids. The kids are hurt by the interpretation and/or the conflict , not the parent simply being gone.

 

 

:iagree:

[catz]

I've never trained my children to think that the birthday is the greatest day of their year, and that if someone is not there the child isn't loved or that their life isn't important. My children know they are loved every single day and that we are so glad to have them as our precious children.

 

I don't attach that to a single day so strongly that if something comes in conflict with that day that my children's whole belief in my dh's and my love for them could be put to question.

 

I honestly didn't realize what a super-huge deal birthdays were to some families. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine if families want to do big events, or maybe spend sun-up to sun-down focused on their one family member. That's just not the way my family works.

 

:iagree: Kid's should be showered with love every day. If you have a strong relationship with your kids, they won't be questioning if they're loved on that one day. That said, if this was a big deal to me, I would definitely talk to my DH about it. But if he was otherwise a loving parent and husband, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for sure for me. Different cultures and families look at birthdays in different ways. Just because someone's view of birthdays doesn't line up with yours doesn't mean they still can't be a wonderful person.

 

On that note, today is my son's (very low key) 12th birthday! :D

[Rebel Yell]

I misunderstood the poll- thought it was for the party.

 

The actual day itself isn't a huge deal- we still have school, work, dance/volleyball/karate. We send in a treat.

 

Only 1 girls gets a party for friends each year- we just rotate. They are older, so usually only 1 parent is needed to supervise. Sisters are rarely invited- not due to selfishness or dislike, but just due to schedules, age differences, different interests, cost/maximum for the location. (for example, BabyBaby had a craft party at Pat Catan a few years ago- room only held 12, very little room for adults- I wasn't even there for part of it, LOL- I had to go to Wendy's to pick up lunch.)

 

A family birthday dinner is planned when all 3 kids, both parents, and both grannies can be there. Except for an absolute emergency- that is the "real" birthday and attendance is mandatory. :D

[LucyStoner]

 

Yes I would agree with this. I guess I'm just frustrated and sad that the current need being greatest is never his family. I've known that, but we've never had this sort of thing come up with a birthday, and knowing how his family of origin is about birthdays, I was taken completely by surprise that he's willing to miss it.

 

I think the real issue here is that it sounds like you and the kids feel like you are not the priority most of the year or even ever. That makes the birthdays seem even more important. If my husband missed a birthday it wouldn't seem like all that big of a deal because he would more than make up for it another time and because the boys and I feel like (really KNOW) we are his A1 priority daily, even when he is busy with work and school.

 

I would address this issue as a symptom and not as the underlying problem.

[catz]

I think the real issue here is that it sounds like you and the kids feel like you are not the priority most of the year or even ever. That makes the birthdays seem even more important. If my husband missed a birthday it wouldn't seem like all that big of a deal because he would more than make up for it another time and because the boys and I feel like (really KNOW) we are his A1 priority daily, even when he is busy with work and school.

 

I would address this issue as a symptom and not as the underlying problem.

 

:iagree: I would find it upsetting if I didn't feel I and our kids weren't my DH's #1 priority. To me, it seems more like a problem in general, rather than a birthday specific issue. :grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

I did not read the 3 pages of this, but I voted other. Twice I have taken my two younger kids to Walt Disney World over their birthdays (Sept. 30 and Oct. 2). My dh really does not enjoy WDW and prefers not to use his vacation time for trips there. We love WDW and go whenever we can pull it together. I don't like that my kids are not with their dad on their birthday, but I also know that it is fun to go someplace very special on your birthday. We have a party before we leave and he is there.

 

I guess my answer is if the parent is available - meaning they or you are not out of town for whatever reason - they should be at their child's birthday. I do understand there are situations that might change that though. I would not be happy if my dh just decided to go out with friends on our child's birthday and not be present.

[razorbackmama]

I think the real issue here is that it sounds like you and the kids feel like you are not the priority most of the year or even ever. That makes the birthdays seem even more important. If my husband missed a birthday it wouldn't seem like all that big of a deal because he would more than make up for it another time and because the boys and I feel like (really KNOW) we are his A1 priority daily, even when he is busy with work and school.

 

I would address this issue as a symptom and not as the underlying problem.

I think you've nailed it. The birthday thing is just the latest example.

 

I DID find out that he had fully intended to take my birthday off work...had even requested leave and everything. Then he found out that they had a whole week of meetings with the people he directly supervises. He was holding out hope that those people would be traveling on Friday (day of my birthday) so he could still take off. But nope, they arranged for them to travel Saturday, which meant a full day of meetings on Friday. :( He got home around 7:30 pm.

 

BUT AT LEAST HE TRIED. That meant the absolute WORLD to me, even if it resulted in nothing.:001_wub: