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Does it offend other parents if you don't allow your dc to watch movies at


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their house?

 

Ds has a close friend. This boy has a nice, friendly family and they include ds in many of their activities. He has been here several times, too. The boy is having a spend-the-night movie marathon.

 

We do movies. We do spend the nights (with families we know). But we don't do horror movies.

 

Ds told me the plan is for a horror night, so I said I'd like to know the specific movies they'll be watching.

 

Young friend's dad called to get our email address. He sent a list of movies they're considering, along with descriptions and ratings.

 

Despite his effort and reassurance, I still don't want ds to watch these movies. I can't really explain why except that they give me an icky feeling.

 

Dh doesn't have the same qualms as I do, but he's backing me up.

 

How do we respond to the other parent who has made this effort for our ds to be included?

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their house?

 

Ds has a close friend. This boy has a nice, friendly family and they include ds in many of their activities. He has been here several times, too. The boy is having a spend-the-night movie marathon.

 

We do movies. We do spend the nights (with families we know). But we don't do horror movies.

 

Ds told me the plan is for a horror night, so I said I'd like to know the specific movies they'll be watching.

 

Young friend's dad called to get our email address. He sent a list of movies they're considering, along with descriptions and ratings.

 

Despite his effort and reassurance, I still don't want ds to watch these movies. I can't really explain why except that they give me an icky feeling.

 

Dh doesn't have the same qualms as I do, but he's backing me up.

 

How do we respond to the other parent who has made this effort for our ds to be included?

 

We have never done those movies either. Just not something I want in my kids' heads. I just said that we were so grateful that daughter or son had been invited, but this kid was pretty sensitive and we didn't want to have problems with nightmares so we don't watch movies like this. But have a good time. Something like that.

 

Absolute no here. Son would not have slept for a month.

 

And yes, so many parents get offended by every friggin thing you do, especially when the kids are middle school age or younger. They still have this idealistic view that if they do everything right, their little angels will remain pure and perfect and if they are exposed even for a second to the imperfection of another child (who maybe gets angry or plays a game that this parent doesn't allow or watches a movie or ....(fill in the blank), their little angel will be contaminated. So they must cut you off immediately; you are "not their kind" because you allowed said movie or game or friend.

 

I faced this over and over when my kids were younger, and honestly, when my kids were little, I thought I actually had more power than I do as well. Boy, does life teach you that EVERY family has imperfect kids who do stupid things sometimes, and the ones that pretend like they don't are lying to maintain an image. (Well, ok, these rare creatures do exist, but they are rare). By the time you get middle aged and your kids are grown or almost grown, you are less judgmental because you have been through the wringer yourself and you have the epiphany that every family has messed up something!

 

Ok, rant over. ;) I've lost a close friend over stupid judgmental stuff and this is a sore spot, I guess. This person actually told me that because one of my kids

had a friend of whom she disapproved, she must protect her little angels (who were years older than my kid, by the way - color me confused) Another friend and I have laughed over how we now know that no matter what we do, kids will not always do every single thing right because they have no judgment until their 20s when their brains are complete, no matter how smart they are!

Edited by TranquilMind
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We're pretty liberal, but it would not bother me if you had a preference for your child to NOT watch those movies. However, if the plan for the evening is to watch horror movies, then I wouldn't want to change my plan solely to accommodate your child, if that makes sense. If it were an event where he could come later or before, great, but that might be awkward since the other kids would probably be discussing the movie. If you opted to bow out because of the content of the evening, we'd probably try to set up alternate plans for a different date.

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Neither dh nor I like horror and both my kids get night terrors. We're careful about the level of terror/gore we let them watch. But my kids are still young and so we have more control over what they're watching. As they get older, we know we'll have less control and input.

 

How old is your ds? If he were younger than 14/15, I'd either suggest to the parents that your family doesn't watch horror films or I'd suggest your ds skip the sleepover. I would hope most parents would understand your objections. If your ds is 14+, I'd ask your son what he wants to do.

 

I'm still a little shocked at the movies many parents let their young kids watch.

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Yes, they probably will be offended, no matter which way you go. People just seem to be like that. If you are stricter in an area, they'll think you are judging them for not being strict enough. If you are more lenient in an area, they will think you are judging them for being too strict. You can't win, don't even try. Just be busy that day.

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To answer the question: Yes, I have, unfortunately, offended other parents by not allowing my sons to participate in various activities that they planned/allow their kids to do. It has made things awkward...but most of these were not what I'd call very close friends. Most felt I considered myself a better mother or my kids were better than theirs - whatever. My very close friends have similar ideals for their kids as I have. I don't know how you can assure that you won't offend them. I have tried so many ways...none worked.

 

You didn't ask, but I thought I'd just throw the following out there for consideration :) (feel free to ignore)

 

There has come a time when I have to set my "mom-ness" aside and realize that what I find objectionable in a "horror" movie is not causing my boys the same alarm. What boys/men see is different from what I/mom/female see.

 

The fact that your husband doesn't have a problem with the movies makes me think it might be worth a second look at the situation. If your husband is routinely more lenient than you in other things, then stick to your plan. You don't mention your son's age or the movies...that makes it difficult to assess. What I consider "horror" is probably not the same as what other people consider "horror". A good old Alfred Hitchcock movie is "horror" in my book, but acceptable at certain ages. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre would not be acceptable in my house EVER.

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You either send your child, knowing what will be watched, or you choose to keep him home. You turn down the invite without judgement of the other parent's choices.

 

:iagree:

 

I personally don't watch horror movies, I know they would terrify Asher. All of dh's friends got together with their sons ranging in age from 3-10 to watch the Avengers at the drive-in. We decided that even that was too intense for him, he would have slept in on our floor for a month after seeing the scene with the Hulk. DH didn't even give a reason, because he was afraid that he would sound judgemental, he just declined the invite.

Edited by GSOchristie
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You either send your child, knowing what will be watched, or you choose to keep him home. You turn down the invite without judgement of the other parent's choices.

 

:iagree:

 

I would base my decision on whether or not to send my kid on DH's equal yet manly opinion as well as our joint knowledge of DS's likely fear/anxiety factor for the specific movie list (which DH would know better than I as well...:tongue_smilie:).

 

There has come a time when I have to set my "mom-ness" aside and realize that what I find objectionable in a "horror" movie is not causing my boys the same alarm. What boys/men see is different from what I/mom/female see.

 

The fact that your husband doesn't have a problem with the movies makes me think it might be worth a second look at the situation. If your husband is routinely more lenient than you in other things, then stick to your plan. You don't mention your son's age or the movies...that makes it difficult to assess.

 

:iagree: I can't even watch CSI anymore, so I'm no good for making a decision like this. :lol: And age matters, definitely. The age and the specific movies.

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Ds is 13. Pretty smart and mature. Doesn't seem overly anxious (but, of course, we haven't exposed him to scary things given my sensitivity.)

 

The movies include Poltergeist, The Grudge, Drag Me to Hell . . .

 

I haven't seen any of them.

 

If we don't allow it, of course, we'll say ds can't go at all rather than change the plans of the hosts and the other guests.

 

It's too late to "just decline" without an explanation since I asked for the specific movie list before giving permission to go . . .

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Ds is 13. Pretty smart and mature. Doesn't seem overly anxious (but, of course, we haven't exposed him to scary things given my sensitivity.)

 

The movies include Poltergeist, The Grudge, Drag Me to Hell . . .

 

I haven't seen any of them.

 

If we don't allow it, of course, we'll say ds can't go at all rather than change the plans of the hosts and the other guests.

 

It's too late to "just decline" since I asked for the specific movie list . . .

 

I've seen them all. I wouldn't allow my son to watch any of them. And he's almost 14.

 

If you want specific information on them, you can look them up on kids in mind movie reviews. I like that site because it gives specifics and ratings on language, nudity, and violence separately.

 

I think you can still just decline. Decide what you are going to do that day. Then say, "thanks, but our family is doing ______________ that day". It will be a little lame, but it will actually be a kindness that allows them to save face.

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Ds is 13. Pretty smart and mature. Doesn't seem overly anxious (but, of course, we haven't exposed him to scary things given my sensitivity.)

 

The movies include Poltergeist, The Grudge, Drag Me to Hell . . .

 

I haven't seen any of them.

 

If we don't allow it, of course, we'll say ds can't go at all rather than change the plans of the hosts and the other guests.

 

It's too late to "just decline" without an explanation since I asked for the specific movie list before giving permission to go . . .

 

Oh, ick! I wouldn't want my kids to watch those either :tongue_smilie: - at any age. Although I can't control what they do when they leave home :D

 

It would be good if your husband suddenly discovered something he needed to do with your ds that evening :D

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Ds is 13. Pretty smart and mature. Doesn't seem overly anxious (but, of course, we haven't exposed him to scary things given my sensitivity.)

 

The movies include Poltergeist, The Grudge, Drag Me to Hell . . .

 

I haven't seen any of them.

 

If we don't allow it, of course, we'll say ds can't go at all rather than change the plans of the hosts and the other guests.

 

It's too late to "just decline" without an explanation since I asked for the specific movie list before giving permission to go . . .

 

Oh, heck no.... I wouldn't watch those ever, especially the third. I couldn't turn my light off for weeks after I watched "The Changeling" in 1980. And a boyfriend took me to see "The Exorcist" at a drive in back in the 70's, and then turned to me after the movie and screamed, "YOUR MOTHER ***** ***** in Hel!" (Those who have seen the movie will remember the quote that the demon screams) I did not sleep for a week.

 

And those movies were far, far, FAR tamer than what is out there now. I have to switch the channels if just a preview comes on and those are sanitized.

 

So, if your son is sensitive to this stuff, and he probably will be if this is not routine fare in your house, spare him.

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We probably watch movies others wouldn't but I wouldn't consider playing thrm with other people over.

 

Dd12 may host a Friday movie/pizza night but all kids will pick out movies, ALL parents will approve. ALL. If any parent has an issue with one, we won't see it.

 

I would simply thank them for their effort to include your ds but let them know that you aren't comfortable with the movies so he won't be able to attend.

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I have sent my children places and told the parent " They arent allowed to watch XYZ " and C now tells people " Im not allowed to watch that ".

 

If the parent cant respect my wishes then they wouldnt be going.

But the whole purpose of the party is to watch horror movies and sleep over. One can't dictate what one's kid is or isn't allowed to watch when one has been given a list ahead of time. One just don't let one's kid go to the party.

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Ds is 13. Pretty smart and mature. Doesn't seem overly anxious (but, of course, we haven't exposed him to scary things given my sensitivity.)

 

The movies include Poltergeist, The Grudge, Drag Me to Hell . . .

 

I haven't seen any of them.

 

If we don't allow it, of course, we'll say ds can't go at all rather than change the plans of the hosts and the other guests.

 

It's too late to "just decline" without an explanation since I asked for the specific movie list before giving permission to go . . .

Just say that you and dh do not think your ds is ready for those movies at the present time. Let them know you will revisit the issue next year. Or better yet have your dh call the other dad so it doesn't seem like you are being an overprotective weenie.

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I'd just send a short email letting them know that you don't feel comfortable letting your child watch those movies at his current age and that both you and your child appreciate the invite and hope they can do something together soon. I really don't think they are going to judge you over your viewing content choices.

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You either send your child, knowing what will be watched, or you choose to keep him home. You turn down the invite without judgement of the other parent's choices.

 

:iagree: I would not expect the other family adjust their plans to accommodate your child...especially since the whole point of the evening is to watch scary movies. You really need to decline the invitation and keep your son at home that night.

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their house?

 

Ds has a close friend. This boy has a nice, friendly family and they include ds in many of their activities. He has been here several times, too. The boy is having a spend-the-night movie marathon.

 

We do movies. We do spend the nights (with families we know). But we don't do horror movies.

 

Ds told me the plan is for a horror night, so I said I'd like to know the specific movies they'll be watching.

 

Young friend's dad called to get our email address. He sent a list of movies they're considering, along with descriptions and ratings.

 

Despite his effort and reassurance, I still don't want ds to watch these movies. I can't really explain why except that they give me an icky feeling.

 

Dh doesn't have the same qualms as I do, but he's backing me up.

 

How do we respond to the other parent who has made this effort for our ds to be included?

 

Politely decline the invitation. Something tells me that you might be over-thinking the whole thing, and the family will be more understanding of your concerns than you are giving them credit for.

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If I don't want my kid to watch a movie, they simply don't go.

 

I don't have the right to dictate what others do in their home, or at a party, or expect/demand that they conform to my preferences.

 

I tell other parents what's going on. If it's not good w/them, no offence taken at all.

 

What DOES bug the carp outta me is when I made it VERY clear that the kids would be watching a particular movie for my son's then 12th birthday, getting an irate call from a parent *afterwards* to complain. Uh, it had all been discussed, folks. Don't call and scream at me b/c your kid couldn't handle a movie that YOU agreed to, were fully aware of, etc.

 

If the kid had shown signs of upset, etc, I would have turned it off. He didn't. That I wasn't psychic to know it was bugging him got me yelled at on the phone. :glare:

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We don't allow horror movies. My 13- and 11- year-old still get nightmares over creepy scenes from regular movies. So I'd just thank them and say maybe some other time if you're having a comedy. Or you could have the sleepover and comedy next time. I wouldn't send my child just to avoid offending the other parent, nor would I make a big deal of it.

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"Thanks so much, but we are going to XYZ instead. I really appreciate you inviting ds and sending me the list!"

 

Don't say anything like "I don't want him to watch these movies," b/c that implies you might let him go if they decide on different horror movies. Just say thanks but no thanks.

 

There's tons of stuff we don't let our kids watch. No one has ever been offended, unless they hid it very well. They might mock me relentlessly, but they aren't offended! :D

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It sounds like you're probably going to decline, but if you do decide to let him go, I just wanted to let you know that I watched movies like that at a few sleepovers when I was around that same age, and I wasn't scarred for life and I am most definitely not a serial killer or anything. ;)

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It sounds like you're probably going to decline, but if you do decide to let him go, I just wanted to let you know that I watched movies like that at a few sleepovers when I was around that same age, and I wasn't scarred for life and I am most definitely not a serial killer or anything. ;)

 

:iagree:Those movies also seemed less scary at a sleepover with friends.

 

I've never seen the last two you listed, but all of us, including my 10 and 13 yr old, have watched Poltergeist. They weren't bothered by it at all. They don't watch a lot of scary stuff either, so it's not like they're just used to it.

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If you decline in a totally nonjudgmental way, I find it hard to believe they would take offense. Just say you get that other kids are ready for those movies, but your family isn't.

 

:iagree: Exactly. This way you are not criticizing their movie choices.

 

I've never seen any of those and I don't watch horror movies, ever. But if we were in the same situation and my husband approved the movies, I'd probably let my kid go, because in this case he would know better than I. I had to l leave the room early on in Matrix, which my entire family enjoyed.

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It sounds like you're probably going to decline, but if you do decide to let him go, I just wanted to let you know that I watched movies like that at a few sleepovers when I was around that same age, and I wasn't scarred for life and I am most definitely not a serial killer or anything. ;)

 

OTOH I watched part of some horror movie growing up and it still gives me the creeps, I do not do horror at all. Although I don't think my own son is near as sensitive as I am/was.

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Since you've already asked about the movies in specific, I don't think you can backtrack to, "We have other plans." -- without being totally transparent. I think, if I were in the position of the other parent I'd feel less awkward with a straightforward answer something like, "Thanks for the info on the movies. You know, I've been thinking really hard, because I know that <Boy> is growing up and might begin to like horror movies in the near future. I don't want to be to overprotective and all that, because I know there's nothing really wrong with them. The thing is, we just haven't exposed him to many scary movies so far, and I don't think he'd be used to them enough to handle them away from home and late at night. So, <dh> and I have decided that we aren't going to send him to your son's party. I hope <your son> isn't overly disapointed, and I really hope you aren't offended by our decision. Kids are so different, and that's why families make different decisions about these things. I'm not trying to be judgemental. Have a great party!

 

PS -- Our family has made plans to be doing xyz that night, so you could use that as the reason for <boy's> not coming when you tell your son -- if you want to. Of course, you can tell him the real reason if you'd prefer.

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How old is your ds? If he were younger than 14/15, I'd either suggest to the parents that your family doesn't watch horror films or I'd suggest your ds skip the sleepover. I would hope most parents would understand your objections. If your ds is 14+, I'd ask your son what he wants to do.

 

I'm still a little shocked at the movies many parents let their young kids watch.

 

:iagree:

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:iagree:Those movies also seemed less scary at a sleepover with friends.

 

I've never seen the last two you listed, but all of us, including my 10 and 13 yr old, have watched Poltergeist. They weren't bothered by it at all. They don't watch a lot of scary stuff either, so it's not like they're just used to it.

 

:iagree: My son watched potergeist not long ago and I thought that was a pretty gentle foray into horror films. He enjoyed it and found it just a little creepy. It didn't keep him up at night. I always thought I'd be the parent keeping my kid innocent, but this kid has been begging to watch horror films for a few years now after begging to see everything else early. Some kids are just well grounded in reality at an early age and are just fine. I really don't think any judgments can be made on parents who allow more than another might.

 

However, I wouldn't have one iota of a problem if another parent chose differently than us. Some of my son's best friends are much more sensitive to movie viewing than my oldest and we plan accordingly when we have those kids over. I'd just politely decline the invitation.

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I'd just politely decline. If they decide to be offended over that, it's their problem. But really with that list. . . how could they not be surprised that some parents wouldn't be okay with that? I'm 35 years old and have never watched those movies by my own choice.

 

And FWIW, we allow Harry Potter here, and I was not offended in the slightest when another child announced that he wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter. No biggie, we put in another movie (or maybe it was a Wii game) and moved on with the day :)

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No need to lie. They already know you have concerns about the content. Just say "I'm sorry, but dh and I don't think he's ready for those movies. Thank you for letting us know ahead of time what you were planning on. Son would love to get together w/ your son another time." I wouldn't be offended at all, and I doubt they will either, because they took the time to email you with the info.

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I have sent my children places and told the parent " They arent allowed to watch XYZ " and C now tells people " Im not allowed to watch that ".

 

If the parent cant respect my wishes then they wouldnt be going.

..

Edited by AimeeM
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No need to lie. They already know you have concerns about the content. Just say "I'm sorry, but dh and I don't think he's ready for those movies. Thank you for letting us know ahead of time what you were planning on. Son would love to get together w/ your son another time." I wouldn't be offended at all, and I doubt they will either, because they took the time to email you with the info.

 

:iagree:

 

It's not a big deal. Just be honest about not wanting your ds to watch horror movies, and non-judgmental about their decision to allow their ds to watch them.

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I've seen The Grudge and that was a freaky movie. My dh and I could laugh about it later though. I don't know about the last one. Poltergeist is a great movie but that clown scene and a few others are completely scary!! I'm a big baby when it comes to horror movies. I agree with the person that said it matters how old you are. I used to be able to watch scary movies when I was younger.

 

If your ds really wants to go after you've told him a little about the movies and their level of scare factor, maybe you should let him. I have twin boys that are almost 13 and I kind of think they could handle the first two. One more than the other. One of my twins is probably not ready for those kinds of movies but the other one might be. It really depends on the kid. I think with a big group of boys they might end up laughing over scenes that otherwise would be scary.

 

However, if it were me, I'd probably not let my boys go as they have not had any exposure to horror movies and I wouldn't want them spending the night at someone else's house if they couldn't sleep because they were really scared.

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But the whole purpose of the party is to watch horror movies and sleep over. One can't dictate what one's kid is or isn't allowed to watch when one has been given a list ahead of time. One just don't let one's kid go to the party.

 

Yep..... I usually say, if someone asks what will be watched, nothing above PG13 (or whatever I think is appropriate at that age). But I also give the kids the freedom to change the choice within the rating, as I think kids should be able to do that if desired. I've only had one parent not like that but they weren't a good fit for us in the long run any way. Everything had to be super analyzed when their child was involved.

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No need to lie. They already know you have concerns about the content. Just say "I'm sorry, but dh and I don't think he's ready for those movies. Thank you for letting us know ahead of time what you were planning on. Son would love to get together w/ your son another time." I wouldn't be offended at all, and I doubt they will either, because they took the time to email you with the info.

 

:iagree:

 

robin

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their house?

 

Ds has a close friend. This boy has a nice, friendly family and they include ds in many of their activities. He has been here several times, too. The boy is having a spend-the-night movie marathon.

 

We do movies. We do spend the nights (with families we know). But we don't do horror movies.

 

Ds told me the plan is for a horror night, so I said I'd like to know the specific movies they'll be watching.

 

Young friend's dad called to get our email address. He sent a list of movies they're considering, along with descriptions and ratings.

 

Despite his effort and reassurance, I still don't want ds to watch these movies. I can't really explain why except that they give me an icky feeling.

 

Dh doesn't have the same qualms as I do, but he's backing me up.

 

How do we respond to the other parent who has made this effort for our ds to be included?

 

My husband would do the same, but I'm learning to trust his judgement a little more. Sometimes the mama in me wants to be a bit too overprotective. Dh is very good at gently reminding me to let my boy do things that scare and worry *me*. It really has been good to let some things go and let my husband decide. It's typically the times when ds has the most fun :001_smile:.

 

It sounds like you're probably going to decline, but if you do decide to let him go, I just wanted to let you know that I watched movies like that at a few sleepovers when I was around that same age, and I wasn't scarred for life and I am most definitely not a serial killer or anything. ;)

 

:iagree: Same here. It was fun to scream with your friends! That being said, I still don't like horror movies :tongue_smilie:.

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It sounds like you're probably going to decline, but if you do decide to let him go, I just wanted to let you know that I watched movies like that at a few sleepovers when I was around that same age, and I wasn't scarred for life and I am most definitely not a serial killer or anything. ;)

 

While this is true, it really depends on the kid. I only know Poltergeist. Dd12 would enjoy seeing that, dd9 wouldn't sleep for weeks or months, and she would definitely be scarred. I susoect this would be true even if she was 13. She just can't handle things like that.

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Were there any other titles listed in the email? Goonies? ET? Indiana Jones? I ask in case there are other options.

 

If the titles are fixed, I would just bow out. "Thank you for the invitation, but our boy cannot attend this time. I hope they can see each other soon! They always have a great time together. "

 

The end.

Edited by LibraryLover
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Poltergiest still creeps me out.

 

The voice of the medium, the clown in the closet...*shiver*

 

I still haven't got through the 2nd one...the one w/the pastor dude.

 

I'm with Impish here. I'm still creeped out by Poltergeist.

 

My youngest is 14yo and would not be able to see any of those movies. Coraline (seen at 12.5yo) gave her nightmares for months. My middle dd would have been fine with them at 10yo. My oldest probably would have been fine with them at 14yo or so. None of my kids have seen any of them.

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