Am I too old-fashioned? Mean-spirited? Superficial? Funeral attire.

[wintermom]

I seriously don't care what people wear to a funeral, and I don't think I've ever even really paid attention to the clothes.

 

I don't either. And you know what, I'm pretty sure the family members grieving the most don't care either. You're there to give them a hug and show support; does it REALLY matter if you have an uncomfortable suit on to do it in?

[ElizaG]

I'm Catholic, too, and I don't agree with the quality of the outer clothing being an essential component of mass. It is for the priest, but I've only ever heard of priests alienating people by mentioning standards of dress.

I said it's important, not essential. Of course there's still a valid sacrament when the lector is wearing flip-flops, shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt. For that matter, it would even remain valid if the priest were dressed that way. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't detract from the liturgy. (And please, nobody try to say that the beach wear is due to poverty. That is a red herring. I've seen the most extreme examples of casual dress at the most affluent parishes in our diocese.)

 

And priests can also alienate people by mentioning a lot of things that are even more important, such as certain difficult moral teachings. That doesn't mean they shouldn't talk about them. If anything, it might mean that they should talk about them more often, so the subject wouldn't come as such a surprise.

 

When's the last time you heard an organ played in a Catholic church?

Every week, at both parishes we attend, and most of the others we've attended. :confused: The pipe organ is the standard instrument in the Western church. The Vatican II documents reaffirmed this, as has the current pope in his writings on sacred music (which are excellent, btw).

 

I would think that the fact that they showed up is enough for people to be gracious and welcoming.

Who said anyone would behave otherwise? Christians are supposed to be gracious and welcoming even if someone shows up wearing 70's disco gear and a tuna fish on his head. But again, that doesn't mean that we have to agree with all clothing choices, or refrain from speaking about the issue even when it comes up for general discussion (e.g., in this thread).

Edited September 12, 2012 by Eleanor

[amy g.]

Well, one of my cousins did wear yoga pants to my dad's funeral.

 

She looked completely adorable.

[Kathryn]

IMHO, if you're too old-fashioned, then so am I, because I think it does matter what you wear to a funeral...or to a wedding, or to any other important life event. In our society, it is respectful to dress up for things like that; that many people have forgotten it does not change it.

 

:iagree: Not that I think it's life-altering or anything. But, it's a social nicety apparently that I can't let go of thinking as essential.

[cin]

When MIL died, I bought dresses for them to wear, but I wore my usual; Black jeans and one of my nicer sweaters. Now, when I say black jeans, they are deep dyed(?) and are solid black, not black stone-wash. You might not even know they were jeans. I have a khaki pair too, and I rotate them for church. DH is an introvert, so we don't attend weddings anyway.

 

Borrowing clothes would be a great idea, but I'm at the upper curve of the weight scale, and there's not a lot of people around here in my size.

 

Our church is casual, and I am teaching my girls to dress appropriately. They wear clean clothes. If they wear shorts, they wear knee length ones. And in the winter, they wear leggings with a long top. If they choose to wear jeans, they wear clean ones with no tears, and again, a nice shirt or sweater.

[Desert Rat]

My dad's service is this Thursday. Dh will be wearing khakis and a button down. My boys will be wearing nice shorts and button downs with tennies. They don't own dress shoes and I don't want to buy them for them to wear just one time. My brother will be wearing jeans and a nice shirt. It's what he's got and he doesn't have money to buy anything nice that he will again, only be wearing once. I will be wearing a dress with ballet flats.

I don't care what people wear to his service. I'll be glad they came.

This is the dress code I wanted for my wedding though.

We are working class through and through. My dad dressed nice for church.

I don't know. I guess I don't think a bout it. I don't think other people are mean spririted for wanting people to dress nicely. I just think sometimes its unrealistic. It's a waste of money for me to by nice clothes, even second hand, for my boys to wear.

[Elizabeth in MN]

When we had the graveside for my grandparents all of my family was there. The two sons, one wife, five grand kids, two great grand kids and two cousins in law. The only person not there was my stepmother.

 

Of all the people there only myself and my now ex-husband were in all black. My Dad had on black slacks and jacket but a white dress shirt. My uncle was in a polo shirt and slacks. Actually, all the males were in slacks. All the women were in dresses but with prints in colors. Think like day dresses but not church dresses.

 

The shocking part? ALL OF THE KIDS ARE CHILDREN OF MINISTERS. My Dad and Uncle could have worn clerics and been in all black. My cousins all knew better! It was hell getting my then seven year old half brother into his clip-on tie but I was in charge and that was that. My ex-husband was horrified.

 

My Mom did a funeral for a friend of mine from the Goth community. For all of the events in life Goths have funeral attire down to a science. Mom said it was the first time she had seen a whole funeral party dress in black and looking nice since the mid-sixties. She said it was refreshing.

[ElizaG]

My Mom did a funeral for a friend of mine from the Goth community. For all of the events in life Goths have funeral attire down to a science. Mom said it was the first time she had seen a whole funeral party dress in black and looking nice since the mid-sixties. She said it was refreshing.

:lol: :lol::lol:

[idnib]

For all of the events in life Goths have funeral attire down to a science. Mom said it was the first time she had seen a whole funeral party dress in black and looking nice since the mid-sixties. She said it was refreshing.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[ElizaG]

Snap! :D

[ChocolateReignRemix]

When a person wears jeans and inappropriate clothing to something like a funeral, what they are saying is that they are *too important* to dress appropriately. It's a sign of humility to dress accordingly.

 

You can look appropriate for little money wearing dark colors. I had four days of wake and funeral for my FIL and I had to outfit ALL of my kids because we were there every day. I put 3 days for all of them together out of the consignment store, though we did buy the funeral attire.

 

It used to be a standard in people's clothes-even in poor people's-that they had *something* to wear to a funeral.

 

If JC Penny is what you have, then so be it, there is no shame in dressing out of Walmert, but by all that's holy, put the pride away and dress appropriately for the occasion.

 

It's just another sign of an incredibly selfish society.

 

Or maybe, unlike you, some people have realized that in the grand scheme of things, clothing really isn't that important.

[catz]

Or maybe, unlike you, some people have realized that in the grand scheme of things, clothing really isn't that important.

 

:iagree: I can't imagine caring that much about what someone else wears.

[wintermom]

I said it's important, not essential. Of course there's still a valid sacrament when the lector is wearing flip-flops, shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt. For that matter, it would even remain valid if the priest were dressed that way. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't detract from the liturgy. (And please, nobody try to say that the beach wear is due to poverty. That is a red herring. I've seen the most extreme examples of casual dress at the most affluent parishes in our diocese.)

 

And priests can also alienate people by mentioning a lot of things that are even more important, such as certain difficult moral teachings. That doesn't mean they shouldn't talk about them. If anything, it might mean that they should talk about them more often, so the subject wouldn't come as such a surprise.

 

True, it just seems like a petty thing to pick to get bent out of shape about.

 

Every week, at both parishes we attend, and most of the others we've attended. :confused: The pipe organ is the standard instrument in the Western church. The Vatican II documents reaffirmed this, as has the current pope in his writings on sacred music (which are excellent, btw).

 

Interesting. The only Catholic church I've seen an organ played at in my city was the Basillica. Otherwise, guitars and/or piano seem to be the standard in Canada.

 

Who said anyone would behave otherwise? Christians are supposed to be gracious and welcoming even if someone shows up wearing 70's disco gear and a tuna fish on his head. But again, that doesn't mean that we have to agree with all clothing choices, or refrain from speaking about the issue even when it comes up for general discussion (e.g., in this thread).

 

That's true, we are supposed to be gracious and our thoughts and comments to others are supposed to be equally so. How welcomed would those attending the OP's funeral feel by reading this thread? Would they be so quick to attend the next funeral if they knew that their clothing choices were going to be judged?

 

If your child or husband died, would you really care what your friends wore to the funeral? Would that determine their compassion and respect for you and your loss and pain? Would it lessen your pain if everyone wore a black suit, tie and dress? I don't know. I just can't see it mattering in the big picture. I don't recall Jesus making any recommendations about changing clothes for special occassions. There were a few about judging others, though.

[justamouse]

My Mom did a funeral for a friend of mine from the Goth community. For all of the events in life Goths have funeral attire down to a science. Mom said it was the first time she had seen a whole funeral party dress in black and looking nice since the mid-sixties. She said it was refreshing.

 

Awesome!

[LibraryLover]

It's clear that a lot of folks live in areas where jeans and t's or polos at funerals/weddings is fine. It doesn't upset me that this is the norm for many.

 

I think cowboy weddings are adorable as well. Jeans, boots, Stetsons, if that is your thing-- do it. :) If you're wearing Harley gear for your biker friend at his funeral, cool.

 

I would never judge a greiving person who wasn't 'dressed' up. Attending is most important (a lot of people won't even go). I do like to see certain clothing for certain occasions, put I get others do not see it that way.

 

I would never stare at a person, or say a negative word to anyone about their funeral or wedding attire.

 

Not sure why, but this is reminding me of the military clothing thread. How there is a particular outfit for every occasion, and how military wives have to give up part of their closet for all the regulation uniforms for various work/functions.

Edited September 12, 2012 by LibraryLover

[TravelingChris]

Well something that a lot of the posters missed was that the OP knew a lot of the people who were wearing what she thought was too casual clothes for a funeral and knew they had better clothing at home because she sees them on Sundays wearing those. I think that specifically wearing more casual clothes to a funeral than one wears to a church service is strange and unusual. I wouldn't be surprised to see someone who I always see wearing jeans and a tshirt wear one to a funeral. I would be surprised to see a person who normally wears suits to church to put on a tshirt and jeans for a funeral. That is, unless the funeral is specifically mentioned to be casual.

 

Furthermore, some of the posters, like Faithmanor, have relayed stories of totally inappropriate clothing such as short cut-offs, bikini tops, etc.

[ElizaG]

Interesting. The only Catholic church I've seen an organ played at in my city was the Basillica. Otherwise, guitars and/or piano seem to be the standard in Canada.

As it happens, more than half of the parishes I'm thinking of were in Canada. Especially Vancouver. Which is interesting, because British Columbians aren't known for their adherence to formality. But they do tend to respect the environment -- so maybe that extends to the traditional worship environment. ;)

 

Would it lessen your pain if everyone wore a black suit, tie and dress? I don't know.

I don't know either, but funerals aren't just about the feelings of the deceased's family, any more than they are just about any other individual (including the deceased himself). They're for the whole community. Funerals are one sort of ritual that strengthens social bonds and allows us to pass along the traditions that form a context for our lives. As such, in principle, what we wear at public events is to some extent everyone's business, because it affects the fabric of our society (pun not intended!). This is true even if in practice, it's not our place to comment, and we just have to keep our mouths closed and be polite.

 

So my own concern is much more with general trends -- as observed by many of us on this thread -- than with what any one person or family group is wearing at any one event.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Eleanor

[Joker]

I don't know either, but funerals aren't just about the feelings of the deceased's family, any more than they are just about any other individual (including the deceased himself). They're for the whole community. Funerals are one sort of ritual that strengthens social bonds and allows us to pass along the traditions that form a context for our lives. As such, in principle, what we wear at public events is to some extent everyone's business, because it affects the fabric of our society (pun not intended!). This is true even if in practice, it's not our place to comment, and we just have to keep our mouths closed and be polite.

 

So my own concern is much more with general trends -- as observed by many of us on this thread -- than with what any one person or family group is wearing at any one event.

 

For some reason the bolded really bothers me. We had a double funeral for my dad and brother and we expected our wishes to be honored. I really don't care if some were bothered by the attire my family found appropriate for ourselves and closest friends, and I would be seriously ticked if people disregarded our wishes for the rest of our community. I really don't get how funerals aren't about the deceased and their families.

[justamouse]

For some reason the bolded really bothers me. We had a double funeral for my dad and brother and we expected our wishes to be honored. I really don't care if some were bothered by the attire my family found appropriate for ourselves and closest friends, and I would be seriously ticked if people disregarded our wishes for the rest of our community. I really don't get how funerals aren't about the deceased and their families.

 

I think she's trying to say that it's not just an immediate family that grieves. It's a community. Every person that was touched by the life of the person who passed.

 

WHen I went to my grandfather's funeral, ...I mean, I had known him as Grandpy, but there were over a hundred people there. And they were all bawling their eyes out. He wasn't just my grandfather, he was a boy scout leader for 20+ years who had graduated 21 Eagles, who had served as mayor, run a small business that was faithful to it's customers and served them for decades, who lived in his community for his whole life, and I was astounded at the amount of people who loved him. And then I realized, he wasn't just ours. He belonged to them, too. He had lived a good life with deep relationships that deserved to be grieved. They loved him and they also wanted to lay him to rest. So, it wasn't about me.

[Joker]

I think she's trying to say that it's not just an immediate family that grieves. It's a community. Every person that was touched by the life of the person who passed.

 

WHen I went to my grandfather's funeral, ...I mean, I had known him as Grandpy, but there were over a hundred people there. And they were all bawling their eyes out. He wasn't just my grandfather, he was a boy scout leader for 20+ years who had graduated 21 Eagles, who had served as mayor, run a small business that was faithful to it's customers and served them for decades, who lived in his community for his whole life, and I was astounded at the amount of people who loved him. And then I realized, he wasn't just ours. He belonged to them, too. He had lived a good life with deep relationships that deserved to be grieved. They loved him and they also wanted to lay him to rest. So, it wasn't about me.

 

I get that. There were over 1,000 people at their funeral. People stood outside, but just wanted to be there. They were still ours, first and foremost. We knew them best. The funeral was about the them, and who they were, and what they wanted. I just really don't like the idea that you would dress differently because somehow that is more respectful. It's just not.

 

ETA: I'm probably making this more personal than I should, so I'll stop now. I just really don't think people should be judged on what they wear, or don't wear, to a funeral.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Horton

[PeacefulChaos]

Does not surprise me. People do not understand the "dressing for respect' thing. Even Sunday church service has shorts, halter tops, low cut tops, and flip flops.

:glare:

Really? Flip flops?

I like for my family to go to church looking nice. My boys have to wear jeans or khakis or khaki shorts (for now I'm still allowing shorts) and a collared shirt - button up, polo, whatever. Pink wears dresses - beautiful ones, actually. DH wears jeans and a polo or button up. I wear whatever I want. When I work in the nursery I wear jeans and my children's ministry shirt. Other than that, I might wear a skirt, I might wear a dress, I might wear dress pants, and I've even worn jeans (on stage, too! Oh, the horror!) And I wear flip flops.

I fail to understand how flip flops = not knowing how to dress for respect. I also think the way one dresses for a normal Sunday and the way one dresses for a funeral are not the same, anyway.

IMHO, if you're too old-fashioned, then so am I, because I think it does matter what you wear to a funeral...or to a wedding, or to any other important life event. In our society, it is respectful to dress up for things like that; that many people have forgotten it does not change it.

:iagree:

This is what I don't get about some of the comments on this thread. There's an implication that wearing -- or even owning -- something dressier than jeans and a t-shirt means spending a fortune and trying to "keep up with the Joneses." But in my experience, thrift shops and discount stores have plenty of inexpensive options. (I think the school uniform items are going on clearance at Target right around now, in case anyone is interested. We already have a stockpile of polo shirts @ $1.37 each. ;))

 

A parent could probably outfit a few children in "church clothes" for the cost of any one of the fancy curricula that are often discussed on these boards. I know there are some who can't even afford this amount, as they have to use every penny for basic necessities. But I'm not sure that's what's behind some of the comments here, with their references to spending hundreds of dollars, etc. That level of investment isn't necessary. :confused:

 

:iagree:

 

 

My .02 -

Idk that I'd notice what others are wearing at a funeral. In the ones I've attended as an adult, I don't remember what people were wearing, so I guess it doesn't strike me.

I do think that it would be nice for people to at least make an effort - not show up looking like they'd just been doing ____ and forgotten about the funeral and just come in what they were wearing.

If people want to wear jeans or whatever, that's their prerogative. I know not everyone has 'dressy' clothes. But we do, so we will wear them.

I want MY family to look nice and funeral appropriate. My boys have worn various things to each funeral, based on what they had available at the time. Button up shirts and khakis, usually. They've worn ties to a couple, too. DH wears a suit for family and khakis/black pants, button up, and tie for the couple of others we attended. I wore dress pants or a skirt and a nice shirt.

If that makes me a snob, so be it. I really don't care.

[Denisemomof4]

The last two funerals I went to specified casual dress, especially jeans and t-shirts.

[ElizaG]

I really don't get how funerals aren't about the deceased and their families.

"Aren't just," not "aren't." Different meaning there.

 

Funerals, weddings, and (in some traditions) infant baptisms are kind of like the intersection points between our intimate family lives and the life of our community. There needs to be respect shown in both directions. I don't think it's good to give up all our own feelings and be like the Borg or something, but much of present-day American society seems to be tipping way over to the "me and mine" side.

 

I think she's trying to say that it's not just an immediate family that grieves. It's a community. Every person that was touched by the life of the person who passed.

Well, sort of. But also, as well as people's feelings about their loved one or acquaintance, there's the importance of the event per se in orienting people's lives (how many of us have reevaluated our own life path at a funeral?), in bringing generations together, and in binding up the cracks that inevitably happen when fallible humans try to get along as family, friends, and neighbors. Sometimes relatives don't talk for years until they're brought together at a time like this. The purpose of protocol is to make this sort of situation easier, not more difficult.

 

I actually think that all these purposes were better served when the wake was held in people's homes, but that's a different topic.

 

Love your grandfather story, BTW. :)

[cindergretta]

I attended my grandfather's funeral in June. He was 97. There was quite an eclectic show of clothing. And age wasn't a factor.

 

It isn't my hill to die on what *other* people wear. But for me, for my dh, for our dc, we will dress appropriately. We will behave in a respectful manner. That is *our* choice.

 

I don't want anyone to attend or not attend based on their wardrobe. OTOH, I don't want anyone to make a spectacle of themselves (my mother anyone??? :glare: ) by wearing grossly inappropriate clothing. (My mother wore a gigantic fuchsia colored hat to my grandmother's funeral 10 years ago. I was horrified. Even worse was her complete melt down in the back of the church, echoing all over, because my aunt, my grandmother's daughter, wanted to walk my grandfather, her father, my grandmother's husband, to his seat. Good heavens, I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. :glare: )

 

Over all behavior counts way more than what is worn, IMO. Jeans and a t-shirt with a respectful demeanor and genuine love for the deceased and family is better than mourning attire and trying to grab the "spotlight" and make yourself the center of attention.

 

(No, I have no hostile feelings on the topic... :tongue_smilie: )

[kitten18]

Well you generally have several weeks if not months notice to plan for a wedding. Funerals are generally held within a day or two of a person's death:glare:

Right.

 

 

For some reason the bolded really bothers me. We had a double funeral for my dad and brother and we expected our wishes to be honored. I really don't care if some were bothered by the attire my family found appropriate for ourselves and closest friends, and I would be seriously ticked if people disregarded our wishes for the rest of our community. I really don't get how funerals aren't about the deceased and their families.

 

:iagree:

[Refined by Silver]

You know I think it is all about respect. If you have better or can get better, then wear it. I think farmers wearing their nice jeans and shirts are being respectful. They are wearing their "dress" clothes and are not just showing up in their work clothes.

 

I think the woman that came in her scrubs was showing respect. She wanted to show her support to her friend and came no matter what. Now if she showed up like that because she felt it was just an obligation and made no attempt at dressing appropriately, then that is not respectful. She could have done better, but chose not to because she didn't want to be inconvenienced.

 

I think the hard thing is that you can not always tell someone's respect by their clothes. There are times people wear certain things because that's what some one asked them to do or that's the best they have. My dad was recently a pallbearer at a friend's funeral. The friend wanted them all to wear KU t-shirts. He was even dressed that way. My dad who is a KU fan didn't even have a t-shirt at the time and it was too hot for sweatshirts. He went out and bought one for the funeral. That was showing his friend respect. To others it could "appear" to be a lack of respect.

 

I think it is more respectful to truly come in the best you have no matter what it is, then to come in a black suit because you felt obligated to or your wife was making you show up. I do agree that maybe what you wear appears to say that you didn't care enough to look for something decent in your closet. Hopefully, most people realize this and wouldn't show up in their halter top and flip flops. However, when we make snap judgement about someone's lack of complete "formal" dress, then we could be inappropriately labeling them as disrespectful when in fact that is the furthest thing from the truth.

[Soror]

When a person wears jeans and inappropriate clothing to something like a funeral, what they are saying is that they are *too important* to dress appropriately. It's a sign of humility to dress accordingly.

 

You can look appropriate for little money wearing dark colors. I had four days of wake and funeral for my FIL and I had to outfit ALL of my kids because we were there every day. I put 3 days for all of them together out of the consignment store, though we did buy the funeral attire.

 

It used to be a standard in people's clothes-even in poor people's-that they had *something* to wear to a funeral.

 

If JC Penny is what you have, then so be it, there is no shame in dressing out of Walmert, but by all that's holy, put the pride away and dress appropriately for the occasion.

 

It's just another sign of an incredibly selfish society.

 

I don't see it as someone being disrespectful at all. Although, for some people it could be. I think there are likely 2 different sets of people we have in mind here.

 

Also, I think, as I said previously, there is a disconnect between different areas. I would venture to guess it was common for different areas to have different levels of standards if you will. For some their wranglers(clean and neat is what I've seen) and cowboy shirt is considered their dress clothes. I don't run in that circle but I don't think ill of them for what they have established.

 

I also don't think it is that easy for everyone to run and get church clothes for a funeral, the thing is, as others said there is little notice for funerals. Also, I know that not everyone can afford to dress nicely with little notice for a one time event(if they can find it- thrift stores are great but not always practical for something last minute- we just have 2 here in town and the selection isn't always the best). There are really people that poor and poorer. As I said our area is a lower COL area, there is less available, and a good number of people are farmers or other blue collar jobs. So, if I see farmer joe at church or a funeral in his nice jeans and button up shirt I wouldn't think a thing about it, I would however be much more inclined to be annoyed by a lady half-naked but in a nice dress.

 

I think more is in the attitude that is telling than the clothes themselves as to the line between respect and the lack of it.

Edited September 12, 2012 by soror

[Princess Peach]

:glare:

Really? Flip flops?

I like for my family to go to church looking nice. My boys have to wear jeans or khakis or khaki shorts (for now I'm still allowing shorts) and a collared shirt - button up, polo, whatever. Pink wears dresses - beautiful ones, actually. DH wears jeans and a polo or button up. I wear whatever I want. When I work in the nursery I wear jeans and my children's ministry shirt. Other than that, I might wear a skirt, I might wear a dress, I might wear dress pants, and I've even worn jeans (on stage, too! Oh, the horror!) And I wear flip flops.

I fail to understand how flip flops = not knowing how to dress for re spect. I also think the way one dresses for a normal Sunday and the way one dresses for a funeral are not the same, anyway.

 

Uh, yeah, I caught that too. :glare: I wear my *nice* flip flops to church, so I think that's ok. Of course DD wears her flip flops with peace signs on them. Bwahahaha! :lol:

[wintermom]

As it happens, more than half of the parishes I'm thinking of were in Canada. Especially Vancouver. Which is interesting, because British Columbians aren't known for their adherence to formality. But they do tend to respect the environment -- so maybe that extends to the traditional worship environment. ;)

 

Just out of curiosity, I searched through the Catechism of the Catholic Church for anything related to dress, clothing, attire, vestments, etc. I found nothing. Nothing regarding liturgical celebration or Eucharistic celebration. There was one point in funeral descriptions that:

 

"The different funeral rites express the :aschal character of Christian death and are in keeping with the situations and traditions of each region, even as to the colour of the liturgical vestments worn." (1685)

 

I don't know either, but funerals aren't just about the feelings of the deceased's family, any more than they are just about any other individual (including the deceased himself). They're for the whole community. Funerals are one sort of ritual that strengthens social bonds and allows us to pass along the traditions that form a context for our lives. As such, in principle, what we wear at public events is to some extent everyone's business, because it affects the fabric of our society (pun not intended!). This is true even if in practice, it's not our place to comment, and we just have to keep our mouths closed and be polite.

 

So my own concern is much more with general trends -- as observed by many of us on this thread -- than with what any one person or family group is wearing at any one event.

 

See above. There are no stated specific dress or attire outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. If it's not specifically written in there, my assumption is that it isn't a necessary condition, or perhaps even an important condition, of church attendence whether to mass or funeral.

 

I'd much rather see people attend and fill empty pews, than worry at all about the "standand" of their clothing. Who defines that one standard is more caring than another? People can chose to tell themselves that a certain type of clothing isn't to their own standard of appropriateness for a funeral, but that is their own opinion.

[Lizzie in Ma]

While I understand where you are coming from, knowing that very soon I will be attending a funeral, I honestly have to say, I could care less.

I just want to be with the folks and family that love each other and I will be glad they are there, whatever they will be wearing.

[Lady Florida.]

My dad's service is this Thursday.

:grouphug:

 

 

I don't care what people wear to his service. I'll be glad they came.

 

 

That is exactly how I felt at my mother's service.

[CountitallJoy]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but think that if the way others dress at a funeral service bothers you to the point of "distraction", then that says a whole lot more about where your heart is than the "offender's".

[justamouse]

Well, sort of. But also, as well as people's feelings about their loved one or acquaintance, there's the importance of the event per se in orienting people's lives (how many of us have reevaluated our own life path at a funeral?), in bringing generations together, and in binding up the cracks that inevitably happen when fallible humans try to get along as family, friends, and neighbors. Sometimes relatives don't talk for years until they're brought together at a time like this. The purpose of protocol is to make this sort of situation easier, not more difficult.

 

I actually think that all these purposes were better served when the wake was held in people's homes, but that's a different topic.

 

Love your grandfather story, BTW. :)

 

Ohhhh.... wow, yes, you're right. At my FILs funeral, I actually came on here and asked for prayers because I had to love my enemy that day. It was a hard few days, above and beyond the subject of the days. It was healing, too, again, above and beyond laying FIL to rest.

 

I can't say it was healed, but it was a starting point and my heart is clear, we did all we could do.

 

Yes, the formality did help. Kind of like sitting in a diplomat's office. :D

[SailorMom]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but think that if the way others dress at a funeral service bothers you to the point of "distraction", then that says a whole lot more about where your heart is than the "offender's".

 

:iagree:

Yeah - kinda.

I mean - I get it - but, eh.

My dad insisted no one ever get dressed up or wear black at his memorial service - no one did. I know a lot of military who would come in uniform to the official service, but to the non-official stuff wear t0shirts from their squadrons, or some kind of solidarity shirt. I personally feel more comfortable attending in a skirt and nice shoes, etc., but not if I was told that the family did not want it that way.

I've had a lot of my family pass, and I couldn't tell you what anyone was wearing - just who was there.

[Nestof3]

I have been most shocked by what the younger people are wearing. I don't mean that they are not wearing suits, but I've seen some come in old jeans, and the teen girls' skirts are usually right at the butt rim. I saw a grown man, a relative who is not poor, wear raggedy jeans to the last funeral I attended.

 

I will not go out and buy dress clothes for my boys for funerals unless it is immediate family and they will have to deal with viewings and other things. I will also not buy suits for them. They do, however, wear khaki pants and a nice polo shirt or dress shirt if I have one that fits them.

 

After two funerals within three months for me, I realized it would be wise to have a simple black dress on hand. I did have a black top which I wore with a gray plaid skirt which fell below the knee, so I was able to pull something together. In the dead of summer, I wouldn't be able to wear that, but I'm sure I could find something. That reminds me, there was a simple black dress at JC Penney I wanted to go get. I wonder if they still have my size.

 

I guess what I am understanding is that many people no longer wear suits and dress coats to church (personally, I am happy this has relaxed), and many people just don't own these things. I do not think funerals should result in a big expense, but I do think people should have a decent outfit on hand.

[Nestof3]

Did it occur to you that not everyone in our "rich society" is actually rich enough to own the proper attire for every proper occasion?

 

I would guess most people can -- either from Walmart or the thrift store.

[Miss Marple]

A PP alluded to the idea that dressing up for the occasion makes the event easier rather than more difficult. I think there is something in that. I would say that when my kids were little, if they were required to wear "dress" clothing, they seemed to inherently know that they had better be on their best behavior. I know that I, too, am much more dignified, proper, and overall "mannerly" when I am dressed up (as opposed to my usual yoga pants and t-shirts).

 

The events of our lives that require a bit more dressing up (or at least used to require it) are those in which behavior is supposed to be a bit more refined, dignified, proper...

 

I know that there are plenty here who will say they act just as proper and refined in casual wear as they do in dress clothing. I'm sure they do. I can only say from my vantage point that I have seen a difference in behavior based on dress.

[justamouse]

Something else that occurred to me as I've been thinking about this (sociology/anthropology fascinates me).

Dignitaries, royalty, people in high positions are laid to rest in large ceremonies. Firemen, police have beautiful ceremonies.

I can't imagine Jackie O showing up in jeans.



Yes, her husband was a president, but our loved ones, our friends, are just as important. Their lives also matter. Who they touched, what they did, that beauty that is a life that passed deserves to be remembered with reverence and dignity. Life matters, and how we lay our loved ones to rest matters.

I came across an excellent article by Elizabeth Eliot about funerals. It's actually a beautiful article, and expounds on why they are so important.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Susan Wise Bauer
Photo removed

[Hoggirl]

A PP alluded to the idea that dressing up for the occasion makes the event easier rather than more difficult. I think there is something in that. I would say that when my kids were little, if they were required to wear "dress" clothing, they seemed to inherently know that they had better be on their best behavior. I know that I, too, am much more dignified, proper, and overall "mannerly" when I am dressed up (as opposed to my usual yoga pants and t-shirts).

 

The events of our lives that require a bit more dressing up (or at least used to require it) are those in which behavior is supposed to be a bit more refined, dignified, proper...

 

I know that there are plenty here who will say they act just as proper and refined in casual wear as they do in dress clothing. I'm sure they do. I can only say from my vantage point that I have seen a difference in behavior based on dress.

 

I hadn't thought of this perspective. Very true.

 

I asked my ds what he thought he (or someone his age) should wear to a funeral, and he offered the following: dark clothing, probably dark pants with a white button down and a jacket.

 

The flip-flop talk is interesting. Honestly? I couldn't even bring myself to wear open-toed shoes to the funeral I attended yesterday! But, that's just ME!! I am NOT saying open-toed shoes are inappropriate for a funeral - but I couldn't do it.

 

There's a wide range of flip flops out there, but I think of them as pretty casual even if they are "nice." I wear sandals to church in the summer, but I would never wear flip flops of any kind ($2 Wal-mart or nice, bedazzled) to even our casual, contemporary service. But, that's just ME!! My ds wears "nice" flip flops to contemporary service.

 

ETA: I think I just naturally a "dressy" person.

[Lady Florida.]

Something else that occurred to me as I've been thinking about this (sociology/anthropology fascinates me).

 

Dignitaries, royalty, people in high positions are laid to rest in large ceremonies. Firemen, police have beautiful ceremonies.

 

Everyone from my stepson's (firefighter) shift and his lieutenant came to my mom's service in uniform. It was impressive, I'll admit.

 

I can't imagine Jackie O showing up in jeans.

 

 

Neither can I but that was nearly 50 years ago. Fifty years earlier than JFK's funeral, and her dress would likely have been considered shockingly short. What is appropriate dress for many different occasions *has* changed in 50 years. We might not like the changes, but we can't deny that they are real.

[EmilyK]

This.

 

I'm not talking about little kids, or something the deceased wanted people to wear, or people who don't have/can't afford dressy clothes. I knew 80% of the people at this funeral, and I have seen them wearing what I would consider funeral-appropriate clothing in church. I would have no issue with a ten-year-old girl wearing a sparkly shirt because her grandmother loved it. I think that is precious. I love Eton suits on little boys! But, I just don't understand why if people HAVE dressier clothes why they wouldn't wear them.

 

No one was too bare. Interestingly one of the grandaughters (probably in her mid-30s) often wears things a bit bare to church. Today she had on a sleeveless dress which was NOT too bare on it's own, yet she was wearing a scarf tied around her shoulders as well. Made me think of the rules about visiting St. Peter's in Rome. I think that's kind of my standard for church and religious ceremonies even though I am not Roman Catholic.

 

I do acknowledge that my views are all tied in to my southern upbringing.

 

This is basically where I'm coming from. That said, my dad's funeral was a few weeks ago, and I couldn't tell you what anyone wore outside of my immediate family. And I was so, so grateful for the people who attended -- I was surprised how much that meant to me.

 

I do have a question related to the different reactions here. I would think it is crazy to buy a lot of clothes for one funeral -- I get that. But my husband and I have an occasion at least once a quarter that we have to be dressed up at. (That's excluding our work events.) There's a wedding, or a funeral, or some other event that we think it is probably important for me to wear something dressed up and for him to at least wear a sportcoat and nice slacks and dress shirt, if not a suit. And we live in a pretty casual part of the country (Pacific NW) -- if we lived near my in laws in the south it would be more frequent than that. So to me most adults who can afford it should just have one outfit in their closet that works for those kind of things. Is it different other places?

[justamouse]

Everyone from my stepson's (firefighter) shift and his lieutenant came to my mom's service in uniform. It was impressive, I'll admit.

 

Neither can I but that was nearly 50 years ago. Fifty years earlier than JFK's funeral, and her dress would likely have been considered shockingly short. What is appropriate dress for many different occasions *has* changed in 50 years. We might not like the changes, but we can't deny that they are real.

 

True, but it was still well dressed. It's wasn't half dressed, even though the style changed.

 

This is basically where I'm coming from. That said, my dad's funeral was a few weeks ago, and I couldn't tell you what anyone wore outside of my immediate family. And I was so, so grateful for the people who attended -- I was surprised how much that meant to me.

So to me most adults who can afford it should just have one outfit in their closet that works for those kind of things. Is it different other places?

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Around here, yes, we have stuff in our closets. It's harder with kids because they're growing, but finding them stuff is easy here. I've got tons of consignment stores and thrift stores.

 

I keep a few black dresses, and, even though Dh wears jeans and polos to work every day, he has two suits that were purchased for his father's funeral, and he has many khakis and dress shirts. And we're in farmer country.

Edited September 12, 2012 by justamouse

[Lara in Colo]

I honestly like the less dressy attire trend, especially at church.

I remember in my youth judging and being judged by what I wore to church.

How sad!!!!

How does God feel about us looking at ourselves instead of Him.

 

I think we should wear "medium" attire. Something normal that takes eyes off of us and onto the person being honored. That means not too dressy (because that is sort of peacock-ish) and not to trashy (because that is also trying to make a statement).

[thewaka]

I can't imagine Jackie O showing up in jeans.

Neither can I but that was nearly 50 years ago. Fifty years earlier than JFK's funeral, and her dress would likely have been considered shockingly short. What is appropriate dress for many different occasions *has* changed in 50 years. We might not like the changes, but we can't deny that they are real.

 

:iagree: Thank you for saying this!

[elegantlion]

nm

Edited September 12, 2012 by elegantlion
not worth it

[ElizaG]

See above. There are no stated specific dress or attire outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. If it's not specifically written in there, my assumption is that it isn't a necessary condition, or perhaps even an important condition, of church attendence whether to mass or funeral.

So, only things that are written in the Catechism are important? :001_huh: Wow. That is a unique, and highly legalistic, take on Catholicism. You might want to look into the role of the magisterium (both ordinary and sacred), and tradition (both big and small-t) -- not to mention the Bible, which supports all of the above.

 

Fashions change, but just about every culture has some concept of "nicer clothes" and "sloppier clothes." Catholics have traditionally made an effort to wear the former to church, especially on Sundays and special days.

 

There's no "stated specific dress or attire" because there's a wide range of clothes lay people might wear, and it's mostly a matter of common sense -- which might be getting less common. There's certainly no recommendation for clothes to be very fancy, or beyond one's means. But here's something to consider, from an American bishop. It's relevant to the broader topic of funerals as well.

Dress, Demeanor, Discipline

Edited September 12, 2012 by Eleanor

[EmilyK]

I guess I see a different between caring what other people wear at my family member's funeral (I don't care) and when I (or my husband or kids) am (are) the attendees, do I want to dress appropriately to show respect, if we can within our budget? (I would think most would say yes? So maybe the difference is in what we find appropriate in our communities?)

 

For my husband and me, we think most attire, hairstyle, and the like is communication. Just like we worry about what we say at a funeral ("I'm so sorry for your loss" better than "he was so old it was about time wasn't it?") we want to communicate well/respectfully/helpfully in other ways. Ditto weddings, baptisms, etc.

 

I don't see public attire most of the time as primarily being about personal comfort. I don't wear sweats to work; I try to dress as my clients or the court/judges expect me to. I look as bad as I want to when I'm home with my family. :)

[TexasRachel]

Not old fashioned. I've been appalled at what I've seen at funerals. I live in Texas so we get a lot of "Texas tuxes" at weddings and funerals, ie pressed jeans and button up shirts. That's fine because they've made an effort, but for 99% of people jeans are not making an effort and they don't look nice. I can't believe the number of people, usually teens/young adults, who show up to a funeral in shorts and tshirts. It's not appropriate. I dont think wearing black is necesary. I didn't to my son or my father's funerals. We wore nice Sunday clothes. Jeans and tshirts don't cut it as nice clothes.

 

I'm still upset and offended that sil and her kids showed up to my son and father's funerals in jeans and tshirts. I know she has better clothes. She just chose not to wear them. One of her kids was wearing an super hero tshirt. No, just no. A plain tshirt would've been an improvement.

 

At my Dad's funeral some of his biker pals were there wearing their biker outfits, but it was a deliberate choice made in honor of him. And that was fine. But they all looked nice and made an effort.

 

FTR, I am extremely casual about what I wear. Jeans and tshirts everyday. But I remember even in college having one pair of khakis in the back of my closet, just in case I needed something dressy. I don't think you have to buy clothes for a funeral, but the idea that you don't have one nice outfit in your closet is mind boggling.

[Lady Florida.]

:iagree: Thank you for saying this!

 

Off topic, but how did you do that double quote thing (you included a quote from my post and my quoting of justamouse)? I've often wanted to, but haven't been able to figure it out.

[Luckymama]

Off topic, but how did you do that double quote thing (you included a quote from my post and my quoting of justamouse)? I've often wanted to, but haven't been able to figure it out.

 

When you're reading a post you want to reply to, hit that middle button in the bottom right, the one next to the "quote" button. It has a quotation mark and a plus sign. I see the button change color when I hit it (red or orange). Then move to the next post you wish to quote and hit that same button.

 

When you've gotten through the posts you wish to quote, hit "post reply" on the lower left under the thread. You'll get a new reply screen with all the quoted posts.

 

Hth :001_smile: