Am I too old-fashioned? Mean-spirited? Superficial? Funeral attire.

[NASDAQ]

I was taught that only the close family -- people in deep mourning -- wear black. And children never wear black. They wear grey, lavender, or navy.

 

Not sure why we're one of the richest societies in human history but the most adverse to dressing even slightly formally.

[Hoggirl]

I was taught that only the close family -- people in deep mourning -- wear black. And children never wear black. They wear grey, lavender, or navy.

 

Not sure why we're one of the richest societies in human history but the most adverse to dressing even slightly formally.

 

Where are you from, if you don't mind saying.

[Princess Peach]

Meh. I don't think you are superficial or mean-spirited, but I also don't think it really matters what people wear. Personally, I dress up, but it doesn't bother me that other people don't.

 

:iagree:

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

We don't have "dress clothes" that would be considered traditionally acceptable to a funeral, or a wedding. Especially for our kids who outgrow fancy digs long before the wear them again. If we are required to wear those things I would have to decline. It is cost prohibitive to keep up with the Jones on funeral or wedding attire.

 

We do wear what is our "nice" clothes to such events. I make sure my boys shower, and wear clean clothing that preferably isn't torn up or have designs that others might deem offensive.

 

Although I don't particularly care for rhinestones I am not sure what makes the inappropriate for a wedding or funeral. Some people like them and find them dressy and pretty.

 

Attending a visitation or funeral is the sign of respect. Not what fancy clothes you chose to wear (or not).

 

I'd love to see someone invite folks to their wedding and say "Hey come as you are. We are registered but no gifts are required we just want everyone to share our joy with us"

[higginszoo]

For me, the default is dressy church clothes ... I have a black shift dress that I usually wear.

 

My immediate older relatives (grandparents' generation) have had a habit of dying in the summer ... we're from New Orleans. Both my grandmother for my grandfather and my mom and aunt for my other grandmother tried to get word out that black was NOT required or even preferred, as it was just too hot to be practical. I still wore black to the visitation, as that was all indoors. When my great aunt died, the next of kin made a similar decision about no black, but everyone was sure to be very formal, as the deceased was the aunt/great aunt who insisted on proper decorum and dress from everyone all the time. I don't think we would have been terribly surprised to have her reach out and fix it if someone had a hair out of place. :001_smile:

[Lady Florida.]

Meh. I don't think you are superficial or mean-spirited, but I also don't think it really matters what people wear. Personally, I dress up, but it doesn't bother me that other people don't.

 

I'd much rather have the person there to support the family than stay away because of dress-code issues. Not worth ruffling feather about, in my eyes. Many people avoid funerals altogether for personal comfort-issues reasons. It's not about the clothes.

 

I think it's petty to give a hoot what people wear to a funeral.

 

 

:iagree: with all of the above. I know many people (most even?) were not dressed up for my mother's funeral. I couldn't tell you a single thing anyone wore, but I was happy to see every last one of those people. Some we hadn't seen in over 30 years, but they came to pay their respects. Did I care what they wore? Of course not. I was extremely touched that they came. That's all that mattered to me and other members of my family.

 

I try to dress up, but I neither care nor notice what others wear to funerals. (Okay, I'd probably notice is someone wore something wildly inappropriate like fishnet stockings or a tube top. :lol:)

[Rebel Yell]

This used to happen at ds's piano recitals. People's kids had so many activities that they would swoop in at the last minute for the recital The child playing would *usually* be dressed appropriately but often mom and dad were still in gym shorts and a t-shirts from the previous event - soccer, softball, etc.

 

:D :lol: Last year, BabyBaby's piano recital AND her black Belt test were scheduled at the same time. By special arrangement with both teachers, she began her belt test 10 minutes early, and was not given one of the first spots in the recital program. The entire family- including Grannies- hurried to the piano recital after the belt test (next town over) and BabyBaby did her recital in her Karate Gi. The piano recital is usually pretty casual- kids wear jeans if they want... so it was OK.

 

Another funny story: DH is the only one who wore the same size shirt and shoes as my step-dad. We had not had time to iron a shirt, and DH was having horrible back pain... so... we took one of DStep's shirts out of his closet, and a pair of his best $200 orthopedic shoes. Is it wrong to take clothes out of the deceased's closet and wear them to his funeral? :lol: DStepDad was a thrifty, practical man. I can almost hear him say "Well what do I need it fer now anyway?" ;)

[MomatHWTK]

My children dressed relatively casual at their grandfather's funeral, as did others. It was what he would have wanted. So, the choice of dress may depend on how well the person was known to those who come, and how well the family in mourning is known. Folks came from their workplace to my grandmother's funeral and were dressed in whatever they wore for their jobs. I understand the traditional "rules" but they just weren't applicable in our situations.

[TranquilMind]

I attended a funeral this morning for an elderly gentleman in our church, and, quite honestly, I was appalled at what some of the people were wearing. One girl had on shorts and Birkenstocks. She has dresses - I have seen her in them in church. One lady had on a jacket that had rhinestones on it. Several men had on golf shirts and jeans. Then funeral was at 10:30 this morning. It's not particularly hot, and there was no graveside service. All the honorary pallbearers did have on jackets if not suits. But it wasn't an age thing such that the older folks were dressed more appropriately than the younger folks who were there.

 

Maybe I am just overly critical, but I don't think it is that hard to spruce up a little bit for a funeral.

 

Am I just out of touch? I know society has become a lot more casual, but to me there are just certain times when one has to dress a certain way.

 

Ducking, in case tomatoes are coming my way.

 

In my generation, you dress up and you wear black. Today, there seem to be no rules at all.

 

I dunno what to think. I'd not let my kids come in shorts though. That's just a little too casual for me.

[angela in ohio]

It's not you, it's them. :001_smile:

 

We sit at the symphony next to homeschool kiddos with holey sweatpants (and I have seen them in better clothes, it's not a matter of money.) I sat at my grandfather's funeral with my cousin in a racy red floral dress. I think it's 50/50 clueless and selfish, honestly. Luckily, I don't see it a lot, which I think is because of the are we live in. If it's one person at a funeral, you *know* it's them; when it's many, you start to despair.

Edited September 11, 2012 by angela in ohio

[DusksAngel]

Where I come from good jeans, a nice button up shirt, and the "good" boots would be dressed up. My father came to my wedding wearing the above and a VERY old jacket (that my mom probably made him buy when they were still married). Women would be in a nice dress, skirt/top, and have on their "good" shoes. Basically what they would wear to church. But then again, I live in a farming community, where the closest decent size town is an hour plus drive. We just don't have the reason to own fancier clothing (which is often fairly expensive.)

 

That said, I do understand being saddened that it doesn't seem that ANY effort to dress up is made by some. And it's just confusing by those who can dress better and choose not to. While I do want people to attend, I also think they should treat the dead as more than a passing thought or obligation.

[LibraryLover]

I dress up. I wear black.

 

However, I have been to a lot of memorials for soldiers where their friends and family wear jeans and t-shirts imprinted with information about their beloved. I can't find it in my heart to actually fault any of those people.

 

I wouldn't fault them, either.

[LibraryLover]

I seriously cannot get over this thread. Life must be pretty good if this is the biggest thing to worry about. Really...

 

Oh, trust me. I worry about everything. ;) In my hierarchy of worry, this is at the bottom of the list.

[idnib]

When DH's grandpa died we all wore dark colors (black, navy, brown) to the cemetery and wore clothes we felt were respectful. So did the minister. The minister's wife(!) however showed up in a green down jacket, black leggings, and white high-top Reebok-type sneakers.:001_huh: I was appalled and surprised. As a minister's wife, she should have known better and owned something appropriate. She must go to a lot of happenings like this one.

 

I was also surprised to see this in the conservative area we traveled to for the funeral. I live in a liberal, super-casual and diverse area and I've never seen clothing like that at a funeral here.

[Ellie]

IMHO, if you're too old-fashioned, then so am I, because I think it does matter what you wear to a funeral...or to a wedding, or to any other important life event. In our society, it is respectful to dress up for things like that; that many people have forgotten it does not change it.

[mom4him]

Nothing shocks me any more and actually if the person/persons are relatively covered I am ok with it. We live in a rural area and I have seen like dress at many funerals. I guess I have a tendency to look more to the heart. Were they kind to the person when they really cared?

JMO

[justamouse]

When a person wears jeans and inappropriate clothing to something like a funeral, what they are saying is that they are *too important* to dress appropriately. It's a sign of humility to dress accordingly.

 

You can look appropriate for little money wearing dark colors. I had four days of wake and funeral for my FIL and I had to outfit ALL of my kids because we were there every day. I put 3 days for all of them together out of the consignment store, though we did buy the funeral attire.

 

It used to be a standard in people's clothes-even in poor people's-that they had *something* to wear to a funeral.

 

If JC Penny is what you have, then so be it, there is no shame in dressing out of Walmert, but by all that's holy, put the pride away and dress appropriately for the occasion.

 

It's just another sign of an incredibly selfish society.

[helena]

I'll tell you what really bothers me about this issue. :001_smile:

In my life there are people who are ornery about this subject. It's as if they're proving their right and desire to be in their comfort zone at all times, at all costs. I don't like that for a variety of reasons-

 

I totally get a farmer wearing his finest farmer wear, I get bikers at a funeral, I get a vato in his best Dickies and Pendleton.

It's in the intent. I can't stand being at a wedding for instance and hearing someone complain about having to be out of their comfort zone. I don't enjoy hearing people complain about how formalities and etiquette are pretentious and phony.

 

If you're poor and can't afford "traditional funeral attire", I get it. Are you clean? Are you respectful and in the mindset of the occasion? I have no issue with that.

Do you have bed head? Are you wearing filthy flip flops because gosh darn it, they're your favorite shoes? Well... blech.

 

ETA: No, I don't think you're too old fashioned, mean spirited, or superficial.

Edited September 11, 2012 by helena

[ElizaG]

Seriously, miss teeny-bopper, there is a thrift store just down the road with perfectly acceptable pants and shirts for $1.99 each!

This is what I don't get about some of the comments on this thread. There's an implication that wearing -- or even owning -- something dressier than jeans and a t-shirt means spending a fortune and trying to "keep up with the Joneses." But in my experience, thrift shops and discount stores have plenty of inexpensive options. (I think the school uniform items are going on clearance at Target right around now, in case anyone is interested. We already have a stockpile of polo shirts @ $1.37 each. ;))

 

A parent could probably outfit a few children in "church clothes" for the cost of any one of the fancy curricula that are often discussed on these boards. I know there are some who can't even afford this amount, as they have to use every penny for basic necessities. But I'm not sure that's what's behind some of the comments here, with their references to spending hundreds of dollars, etc. That level of investment isn't necessary. :confused:

[ElizaG]

It used to be a standard in people's clothes-even in poor people's-that they had *something* to wear to a funeral.

This, and everything else Mouse said.

 

I think in many cases, it's just totally different priorities. To me, if a family has a bit of extra money to spend on things for their own pleasure -- vacations, toys, birthday presents, or fun curriculum -- then there's no reason they can't afford to scrounge together one or two half decent outfits for each person.

[higginszoo]

I have two family sets -- two of dh's aunts and two of my cousins where one sibling is well-off and lets their dc dress trashily (in one case, they were being blatantly disrespectful at my s-i-l's wedding), while the other sibling has a tough time making ends meet, yet always has children turned out in reasonable, appropriate (not fancy, probably bought at the thrift store) attire for formal occasions (weddings, funerals).

 

In both cases, the wealthy sibling takes ever opportunity to put down their less financially well-off brother or sister and family and their choices, yet theirs are the children who none of us can stand to be around, as their disrespect goes much further than their attire. Meanwhile, their clean, if slightly shabby, cousins are delightful young men and women who know the value of hard work, and appreciative of what their parents do to make sure that they have the proper clothing for certain situations.

 

It's a wonder how much better a threadbare dress shirt and slightly faded chinos can look when pressed up than $300 designer jeans and tshirts all rumpled and ripped.

Edited September 11, 2012 by higginszoo

[Abigail4476]

I'm assisting with the music at a funeral tomorrow morning and then helping provide a meal later. A man's father was killed this past Friday in a very unfortunate altercation with a family "friend." (Who has since been arrested.)

 

I will wear something simple and black, but the family and friends are very poor and I frankly don't care what they wear to the memorial. I'm there to offer support and prayers and love and hugs and service. If our very dear friend who lost his father shows up in jeans and a t-shirt, I'm going to assume it is because he is so distraught he doesn't care about something so trivial as clothing at the moment. He might wear a suit since he wears them to church and has a wife who may guide him, but who knows? His extended family is likely to show up in anything, really. Again, I don't give a rat's patootie.

 

There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned and proper; however, I do think there's something wrong with inferring motive behind clothing choices. There might be disrespect intended, but really...it's doubtful. More like someone being thoughtless or clueless or deciding it doesn't matter because there are more important considerations. I would suggest having your opinions about clothing and stopping there--just short of trying to read people's minds.

[Crimson Wife]

We don't have "dress clothes" that would be considered traditionally acceptable to a funeral, or a wedding. Especially for our kids who outgrow fancy digs long before the wear them again. If we are required to wear those things I would have to decline. It is cost prohibitive to keep up with the Jones on funeral or wedding attire.

 

And you don't have a support network that you could ask around, "Hey, does anybody have a _____ in size ____ that we could borrow for a wedding/funeral?"

 

I'm not trying to be snarky here- I've been both the lender and the lendee in similar situations.

[BigMamaBird]

No tomatoes. I feel you should dress up for a funeral.

[Hoggirl]

Yeah you haven't seen our thrift stores. Barf... I'd rather wear jeans and take my chances that someone is too much of a snob to get over themselves.

 

*ouch* Guess I should have added snobby to my list of adjectives in the subject line.

 

I don't really see how this makes me a snob. I think it's about what is appropriate. I wouldn't wear a green taffeta formal to a football game because it wouldn't suit the occasion.

[wintermom]

I've seen it a lot and not just funerals, weddings too! I am always at the piano at weddings and so I have this unique view of everything going on since most churches and funeral homes have the piano, organ, or keyboard somewhere near the front. I witness quite a bit of inappropriate dress. :glare:

 

It's sad, very sad. But our entire culture has taken casual to the extreme. HR departments all across the land report that job candidates will come to interviews in jeans, t-shirts, shorts, sandals, directly from the gym without showering, you name it.

 

Faith

 

Wow! This is so surreal at a point when most church-related discussions I read about are people trying to get newbies into their pews. How to turn people off churches by getting uptight about what they wear. Hopefully, going to church for whatever event is NOTHING like a job interview.

 

Funerals and weddings are general for everyone, the churched and the unchurched, and they are a celebration of the life of the deceased or a newly joined couple. It's not about the clothes. Clothes don't equate to respect. Going out of your way, and for MANY people way out of your comfort zone, to attend the event shows your love for the deceased and the mourning family.

[Hoggirl]

I guess we can only disagree. When I'm at a funeral, I'm not really thinking about what people are wearing. That's not what it is supposed to be about.

 

I know this isn't what it's supposed to be about, but seeing a woman in shorts, a t-shirt, and Birkenstocks was a distraction for me. Seeing older gentlemen of the church in jeans was a distraction for me - especially when I am used to seeing them on Sundays in dressier clothes! Perhaps I am just highly distractable. :lol:

 

So, yeah. We can just disagree. :001_smile:

[justLisa]

I remember my grandpa's funeral. It was the saddest day I can remember to date. I remember them folding the flag and handing it to my grandmother. I remember my cousin literally picking me up off of the floor in front of the casket and carrying me outside. I remembered a lot that day.

 

Later on I saw the pictures. My younger cousin was wearing a mini skirt. There were a few big sweaty men in light colored polo shirts and sweat marks. I am sure someone was in jeans.

 

But that service? I don't recall any of that. I only vaguely remember picking out my own clothes.

[Nakia]

Ok, now I might be getting a little annoyed. LOL! I'm actually really hard to offend, especially on this board. My skin has really thickened up over the past few years.

 

Anyway, I am the queen of Goodwill and other consignments stores. 75% (no exaggeration) of my girls' clothing is second hand. I was the one who mentioned "hundreds of dollars" for "funeral" clothes for all of us. I do think it would cost that much, mainly, because my husband doesn't own a suit, and I doubt we could find a decent one at Goodwill.

 

It has never dawned on me to buy "funeral" clothes and put them back just in case. Interesting.

 

It has also never dawned on me to not buy a certain curriculum so we can have what you (general you) consider appropriate funeral clothing. I guess I should send the microscope I just ordered back so I can properly clothe us in case of a funeral. How silly of me. Wonder how far I can get on that $75...

 

And I am most annoyed by the fact that several have commented that those who don't make it a priority to dress in a certain way to attend a funeral are selfish or just wanting to stand out. I guess it's close to my heart because my dd did wear that pink rhinestone shirt to my Mamaw's funeral last year. Mamaw would have loved it; she loved all things sparkly and glittery. It made me happy to know that Emma was thinking of Mamaw when she asked to wear that shirt.

 

Now I'm bowing out of this thread. It makes me sad.

[ElizaG]

Funerals and weddings are general for everyone, the churched and the unchurched, and they are a celebration of the life of the deceased or a newly joined couple. It's not about the clothes.

In my Christian tradition (Catholic), there's a strong awareness that we are both body and soul. In this incarnational view, external signs do matter. They're not the only thing, or the most important thing. But they're deeply interwoven with our experience of the faith. Our posture, dress, and use of furnishings and objects, are a sort of non-verbal communication that facilitates our worship of the Lord in community with one another. I think this is true of Eastern Orthodoxy, Judaism, and Islam as well.

 

That's beside the point of the thread, though, as some sort of funeral services are held in pretty much every culture and religion (and lack thereof). And until recently, the vast majority of North Americans had a shared understanding that one wore one's best clothes for such an event, whether a mass in a cathedral or a secular service in a funeral parlor. So I find it strange to treat this as an issue of "churched" vs. "unchurched" people. It seems to cut across those lines altogether.

[PrincessMommy]

I was surprised at a recent funeral to see the adult grandchildren of the deceased wearing jeans and t-shirts.

 

I am not one for strict attire guidelines. I generally do not even know what the guidelines are, actually. :lol: But, jeans and shorts at a funeral do surprise me.

 

Good grief! That's pretty bad.

 

I once saw someone surfing on their iPhone. Seriously? you can turn that thing off for an hour? You see a lot more than you want when the choir loft is at the back of the church :glare:.

[PrincessMommy]

In my Christian tradition (Catholic), there's a strong awareness that we are both body and soul. In this incarnational view, external signs do matter. They're not the only thing, or the most important thing. But they're deeply interwoven with our experience of the faith. Our posture, dress, and use of furnishings and objects, are a sort of non-verbal communication that facilitates our worship of the Lord in community with one another. I think this is true of Eastern Orthodoxy, Judaism, and Islam as well.

 

That's beside the point of the thread, though, as some sort of funeral services are held in pretty much every culture and religion (and lack thereof). And until recently, the vast majority of North Americans had a shared understanding that one wore one's best clothes for such an event, whether a mass in a cathedral or a secular service in a funeral parlor. So I find it strange to treat this as an issue of "churched" vs. "unchurched" people. It seems to cut across those lines altogether.

 

:iagree: I don't think this is a churched/unchurched issue.

[ElizaG]

It has never dawned on me to buy "funeral" clothes and put them back just in case. Interesting.

 

It has also never dawned on me to not buy a certain curriculum so we can have what you (general you) consider appropriate funeral clothing. I guess I should send the microscope I just ordered back so I can properly clothe us in case of a funeral. How silly of me.

Nobody has suggested buying specific "funeral clothes." :confused: A dark skirt could do for a lot of different occasions: church events, weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.

 

I guess spending discretionary income (even a few dollars) on an item like that might seem foolish to people who make a point of dressing casually 365 days a year. But this is a lifestyle choice, not a financial issue.

[praisefor3]

I a raging liberal, but I don't like seeing folks dressed down at weddings (unless it's what the couple wishes) and funerals

 

Ha! I found this amusing because I am a "raging" conservative and it doesn't bother me at all what people wear to funerals. :)

[NASDAQ]

Where are you from, if you don't mind saying.

 

Western Canada

[Pawz4me]

I guess I have a tendency to look more to the heart. Were they kind to the person when they really cared?

JMO

 

:iagree:

[amy g.]

People in casual clothes at funerals do not bother me at all.

 

Between my dad's death and burial were just a blur to me. I remember that the two little girls did not have warm dress coats. Dh didn't want them cold at the graveside, so we spent a frantic evening at the Galleria rushing from store to store trying to find something before they closed.

 

It would have been time much better spent supporting each other, and spending time with family.

 

I need to ask my friend to send me some pictures she took at the funeral. It may be the only time all of my children had their hair combed at the same time.

 

I just prefer to focus on what is inside instead.

[FeFe]

I'd much rather have the person there to support the family than stay away because of dress-code issues. Not worth ruffling feather about, in my eyes. Many people avoid funerals altogether for personal comfort-issues reasons. It's not about the clothes.

 

:iagree: I would just be thankful that they showed up. That in itself is showing respect. I'd dress in nice dress pants or skirt but I wouldn't care that someone didn't.

 

I've wondered if within the next few generations if people will attend funeral (and other events) at all. You can leave condolences online. I really hope things that don't end up that way.

[Miss Marple]

Am I just out of touch? I know society has become a lot more casual, but to me there are just certain times when one has to dress a certain way.

 

Ducking, in case tomatoes are coming my way.

 

Well, I agree. I think there are certain occasions where one dresses better than one normally dresses - theater, church, weddings, funerals, job interviews, etc. "Better" will differ based on where the individual starts ;)

 

I've given up having many expectations because they are usually not met. So in order to keep harmony in relationships, both close and distant, I would only expect the folks to show up and be grateful that they didn't dress as if they are headed to the local watering hole and dance venue immediately after the event. :D

 

Maybe we're just getting old :tongue_smilie: (I know I'm getting cranky)

[tmulcahy]

I think there are much bigger things to get angry or shocked over. My Dad was in the same hospital at the same time as friend of the family's Dad. The friend's Dad died on a Monday and my Dad died a day later. The friends were very casual....blue jeans, some were bikers, some wore shorts, it was all over the place. That was their style. A whole bunch of them came to my Dad's wake (visitation) in their usual attire. My family never even mentioned their attire. Some of us attended their Dad's wake in less casual attire and I certainly do not think anything was said about that either.

 

Just for the record...my children and I had no clothes and no shoes that I thought were appropriate to wear to my Dad's funeral. For the wake and the funeral we had to spend over $500 out of pocket for dress clothes. This was my choice and my standard for myself, not for others. I would hate to know that someone did not come to a memorial because they did not have the money to go out and drop a load of money on something they would never wear again.

[tmulcahy]

Ok, now I might be getting a little annoyed. LOL! I'm actually really hard to offend, especially on this board. My skin has really thickened up over the past few years.

 

Anyway, I am the queen of Goodwill and other consignments stores. 75% (no exaggeration) of my girls' clothing is second hand. I was the one who mentioned "hundreds of dollars" for "funeral" clothes for all of us. I do think it would cost that much, mainly, because my husband doesn't own a suit, and I doubt we could find a decent one at Goodwill.

 

It has never dawned on me to buy "funeral" clothes and put them back just in case. Interesting.

 

It has also never dawned on me to not buy a certain curriculum so we can have what you (general you) consider appropriate funeral clothing. I guess I should send the microscope I just ordered back so I can properly clothe us in case of a funeral. How silly of me. Wonder how far I can get on that $75...

 

And I am most annoyed by the fact that several have commented that those who don't make it a priority to dress in a certain way to attend a funeral are selfish or just wanting to stand out. I guess it's close to my heart because my dd did wear that pink rhinestone shirt to my Mamaw's funeral last year. Mamaw would have loved it; she loved all things sparkly and glittery. It made me happy to know that Emma was thinking of Mamaw when she asked to wear that shirt.

 

Now I'm bowing out of this thread. It makes me sad.

 

:iagree:

 

And good for your daughter for honoring her Mamaw in that way....so sweet!

[Crimson Wife]

I would hate to know that someone did not come to a memorial because they did not have the money to go out and drop a load of money on something they would never wear again.

 

Again, I have to ask why the folks who don't have dress clothes and don't want to buy them just for one occasion can't ask around their social circle whether anyone has something to lend.

 

My cousin got married when I was pregnant with #3 and while I was too big to fit in my normal dress clothes, I wasn't yet big enough to wear my formal maternity gown. So I asked around and was able to borrow a dress that worked.

 

I suppose I could've just shown up to the wedding in yoga pants and claimed that buying a new dress specifically for this one occasion was "too expensive". But that would've been disrespectful to my cousin and her fiance, so I found a way to get an appropriate outfit without having to spend money on it.

[justamouse]

*ouch* Guess I should have added snobby to my list of adjectives in the subject line.

 

I don't really see how this makes me a snob. I think it's about what is appropriate. I wouldn't wear a green taffeta formal to a football game because it wouldn't suit the occasion.

 

Yes, but if you did, you'd have to call everyone Dah-ling.

 

Nakia, I had to run to five consignment stores in 1 day to outfit the kids when my FIL died. But they were wearing appropriate clothes if I had to go to 20.

 

I could find an outfit for under 5 dollars. It's not about not getting the microscope.

 

And the pink rhinestones is totally different if the child is wearing them FOR the grandmother. That is not what anyone is talking about. We ARE talking about people who care so little about the occasion that they show up looking like they just left the bar.

 

Like I said, I have lent, and I have borrowed, I have sewn a hem up on my own dress for a friend who borrowed. It's not about $ at ALL.

Edited September 12, 2012 by justamouse

[tmulcahy]

Again, I have to ask why the folks who don't have dress clothes and don't want to buy them just for one occasion can't ask around their social circle whether anyone has something to lend.

 

My cousin got married when I was pregnant with #3 and while I was too big to fit in my normal dress clothes, I wasn't yet big enough to wear my formal maternity gown. So I asked around and was able to borrow a dress that worked.

 

I suppose I could've just shown up to the wedding in yoga pants and claimed that buying a new dress specifically for this one occasion was "too expensive". But that would've been disrespectful to my cousin and her fiance, so I found a way to get an appropriate outfit without having to spend money on it.

 

Well you generally have several weeks if not months notice to plan for a wedding. Funerals are generally held within a day or two of a person's death:glare:

Edited September 12, 2012 by tmulcahy

[mytwomonkeys]

i would never dress that way for a funeral, but it would not bother me at all. we live in a mennonite community and when my husband went to his first funeral here, i was getting his suit ready. he was told that was really unnecessary and a necktie would be inappropriate. evidently it can be seen as vain. so i guess depending on the person, the attire may or may not be appropriate. maybe a golf shirt and jeans seemed okay?? i dunno. at my funeral, people can wear whatever they want. i absolutely am not to be buried in a dress, lol. my husband has been informed!

[thewaka]

I'm not talking about little kids, or something the deceased wanted people to wear, or people who don't have/can't afford dressy clothes....But, I just don't understand why if people HAVE dressier clothes why they wouldn't wear them.

 

In your case, you knew the people had dressier clothes, but many here are saying jeans are just wrong. How would you (or anyone else) know the circumstances that led to wearing jeans?

 

My aunt died in July. We made an unplanned trip wanting to see her before she died, but she died while we there so DH called work and we stayed. We had only brought shorts, jeans, and tshirts. We bought some nicer clothes for the funeral, but couldn't afford to buy everything dressy for all six of us. I felt bad wearing jeans, but my cousins said it didn't matter. I wonder how many people thought we were disrespectful because of how we dressed instead of being glad we were able to stay?

[justamouse]

In your case, you knew the people had dressier clothes, but many here are saying jeans are just wrong. How would you (or anyone else) know the circumstances that led to wearing jeans?

 

My aunt died in July. We made an unplanned trip wanting to see her before she died, but she died while we there so DH called work and we stayed. We had only brought shorts, jeans, and tshirts. We bought some nicer clothes for the funeral, but couldn't afford to buy everything dressy for all six of us. I felt bad wearing jeans, but my cousins said it didn't matter. I wonder how many people thought we were disrespectful because of how we dressed instead of being glad we were able to stay?

 

IF I were in the family, and I knew the circumstances, I wouldn't care, but again it's not about these kinds of situations.

 

It's about the general lack of knowing that some rituals and ceremonies deserve the right clothes, and that you wear them because the situation is not about you, you being comfortable, you being poor, you being rich, they are about the person you are there for.

[wintermom]

In my Christian tradition (Catholic), there's a strong awareness that we are both body and soul. In this incarnational view, external signs do matter. They're not the only thing, or the most important thing. But they're deeply interwoven with our experience of the faith. Our posture, dress, and use of furnishings and objects, are a sort of non-verbal communication that facilitates our worship of the Lord in community with one another. I think this is true of Eastern Orthodoxy, Judaism, and Islam as well.

 

I'm Catholic, too, and I don't agree with the quality of the outer clothing being an essential component of mass. It is for the priest, but I've only ever heard of priests alienating people by mentioning standards of dress. When's the last time you heard an organ played in a Catholic church? The formality is VERY much reduced, at least from what I've encountered in Canada and various Catholic churches in the US.

 

That's beside the point of the thread, though, as some sort of funeral services are held in pretty much every culture and religion (and lack thereof). And until recently, the vast majority of North Americans had a shared understanding that one wore one's best clothes for such an event, whether a mass in a cathedral or a secular service in a funeral parlor. So I find it strange to treat this as an issue of "churched" vs. "unchurched" people. It seems to cut across those lines altogether.

 

I don't know if people under the age of 50 actually have "best" clothes all that much anymore. The standard of dress in offices, schools, univeristies, hospitals, etc. is so much more casual and functional. I can't remember the last time my dh wore a sport coat forget suit, and he's a Univeristy prof. and public servant.

 

I bring in the subject of "churched" vs "unchurched" because many funerals occur in churches, though people who know the deceased may have never entered a church in their lives. For them, entering such a building could very well be a very stressful thing, added to this the pain they may be feeling from the loss of a friend or collegue, and other possible personal feelings they may have associated with death. I would think that the fact that they showed up is enough for people to be gracious and welcoming.

[Unscripted]

Yes, but if you did, you'd have to call everyone Dah-ling.

 

Nakia, I had to run to five consignment stores in 1 day to outfit the kids when my FIL died. But they were wearing appropriate clothes if I had to go to 20.

 

I could find an outfit for under 5 dollars. It's not about not getting the microscope.

 

And the pink rhinestones is totally different if the child is wearing them FOR the grandmother. That is not what anyone is talking about. We ARE talking about people who care so little about the occasion that they show up looking like they just left the bar.

 

Like I said, I have lent, and I have borrowed, I have sewn a hem up on my own dress for a friend who borrowed. It's not about $ at ALL.

 

Yep... Exactly. It's about putting in a little thought and effort. And IMHO, thought and effort is what is lacking these days.

[Joker]

Where I grew up, most of the men were always in boots and jeans for everthing. My dad didn't even own dress pants. He wore jeans to church, to funerals, to weddings, to work, etc. Granted, he would wear the nicer looking ones to church, funerals, and weddings. He didn't ask, but I did, that he wear his jeans to walk me down the aisle as well. My older brother is the same. They would have to actually purchase different clothes with the idea of wearing them to a funeral to make some of you happy I guess.

 

I seriously don't care what people wear to a funeral, and I don't think I've ever even really paid attention to the clothes.