SO Dresses/Modesty - WWYD?

[Plink]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

This is a real situation, but I won't be giving any more details :tongue_smilie:, because it isn't about the specific clothing items, but more about the idea of change coming from someone other than the individual.

 

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

Edited September 6, 2012 by LibertyH

[Snickerdoodle]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

Well without any more details than that I'd probably laugh because it really isn't anyone else's business.

[In The Great White North]

Dd tells me this regularly.:glare:

[southcarolinamom]

Dd tells me this regularly.:glare:

 

Yup, so does mine! :D

[CupOCoffee]

I guess it would depend on who it was and why the were saying they "disapprove". Is it someone I care about and respect and they are gently trying to tell me I look awful? Is it Dh and he's just trying to help (he can be brutally blunt, but he is usually right). Is it someone who has no business minding MY business, and just thinks they know better?

 

If it's the first scenario, or Dh, I probably would consider their words and see if indeed there was some truth to what they were trying to point out. If there was *nothing* I could do about my clothes (as in, I can't afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe) I would thank them for the concern and say "I will work on it".

 

If second scenario, I would shrug my shoulders and pass the bean dip.

[KidsHappen]

It really depends on who is saying it. If it is your monther then thanks mom but I am grown now. If it is your hubby I would say you need to come to some mutually agreeable solution. If it is anyone else, it really not any of their business and I wouldn't hesitate to tell them so. I might also mention how incredibly rude they are.

[Cinder]

If it was dh saying this I'd wonder why he's mentioning this since my style hasn't changed much over the 25 years we've been married. If it was a friend I'd wonder if I'm not good enough because of what I wear. If it was anyone else I'd think "not your business, why do you care."

 

I had a friend who had a boyfriend who'd tell her he didn't like some of her clothes because they might be too revealing. Polo shirts. She's thin and the sleeves were loose are on her arm so someone might see in her shirt if she lifted her arm. Really. Relationship didn't last very long.

[Bassoonaroo]

If I heard from DH that I need to work on modesty, I would. Sometimes styles that were modest and flattering become just the opposite when a few pounds hit the butt over the years.

 

If it were one busy-body telling me that I need to work on modesty, I'd let it go.

 

If it were in a professional situation, where a supervisor told you to dress differently, I would definitely get on it right away. If it were a coworker, I'd ignore it.

 

If you are hearing it from several folks, it's worth considering.

 

If in doubt, ask a good friend with your values if you need to improve cleavage coverage, butt tightness, etc.

 

If it is simply someone with different religious values, let it go.

 

Though you don't give many details in OP, I'm guessing you're just fine unless you've recently decided to do everything in a string bikini or less. My guess is that it's someone related to you or someone at church -- someone with a long-term relationship with you. If so, practice saying, "I'm happy with my clothing choices, thank you." Repeat it over and over. If it's in a religious situation where it would help, say, "Dh and I are happy..."

[Plink]

I'll go back and clarify my OP.

 

Not DH

Not Mom

 

Thanks for the replies already. Such a weird situation.

[NotAVampireLvr]

I'd really need to hear more of the story to comment too much more than what I've written below.

 

I do see your point about changing coming from within, and not because someone told you how they felt. It would really depend on the context of the conversation because the way you have it written out could be so many different things. You probably wouldn't be asking our opinion though if it weren't somehow offensive to you in the first place.

 

I never really thought about it too much until I had a conversation about it with someone.. But they never came straight out and told me they disapproved of my dress... it was more me questioning their standards and why... I've adopted some of them, but not all - I generally tend to cover up anyway as its not my nature to show much, but when out and about I tend to wear camis under my v-necks so I don't show cleavage - especially around church and whatnot. I think in my case when it did come up for conversation it was presented quite well - I could see it totally going the other way had it been presented to me like "you need to cover up".

[Soror]

Depends on if I respecting such person, otherwise not enough info.

[Word Nerd]

That's almost too vague for me to answer. If it were my husband or employer who had issues with how I dressed, my reaction would be different than if an acquaintance had a problem. It would also depend on the reason for the objection and the item of clothing. I've seen women wear clothes that are too small (many examples at People of Walmart) and I sometimes wonder if anyone has ever told them how bad it looks.

[TeenagerMom]

I would probably tell the person that they were welcome to tell me how to dress when THEY are willing to purchase all of my clothes. If they felt strongly about it, they would offer and I would develop VERY expensive taste. New TrueReligion, Miss Me or Seven for All ManKind jeans. I figure they would probably learn to hold their tongue after that ;).

[Candid]

Are you too modest? Or immodest? I need to know!

 

On too modest; I'd say there is nothing but rudeness that I can come up with so that wouldn't would make me consider that remark. What reason would anyone have to criticize you for being too modest?

 

On immodest; I'd say, I might use it as a check of what I wear, but I'm betting that it is also the height of rudeness too.

 

If it was my pastor or someone in church leadership, I'd be having a talk with my husband about why exactly we were attending church with legalists.

[marbel]

I'll join the chorus saying it's impossible to know without knowing more of the situation. Since it's not your husband or mother, the person's opinion probably doesn't matter.

 

With regard to change coming from someone other than the individual, well. not sure what you mean by that in this context. If I want to make a major change in my life, like spending less time on message boards in the morning and more time with my kids - I have to make that change. But if my husband or kids were complaining, it might motivate me to make the change.

 

Clothing? I guess if someone, or multiple people, whose opinions I valued commented negatively on my clothing, I might look in the mirror with a more critical eye and see if I agreed with the comments. If I did, I guess I might feel compelled to make changes in my wardrobe.

[UnsinkableKristen]

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

[marbel]

If it was my pastor or someone in church leadership, I'd be having a talk with my husband about why exactly we were attending church with legalists.

 

A few years ago a woman attended our church for a while. She dressed extremely immodestly and it was a bit distracting/upsetting to some people. Backless dresses, super-low cut tops, that sort of thing.

 

A couple of the younger women (her age) tried to talk to her, just asking that she cover up a little bit. (The church leadership didn't want to frighten her off, so one of the leaders' wives asked a couple of younger women if they'd mind speaking to her.) One person offered her a light shawl to wear so her clothing and tattoos wouldn't distract people. She didn't understand the concern, but she took the suggestions with good grace.

 

Was that being legalistic? Not a snarky question, truly want to know if that crosses a line. (It didn't for her, but I'm thinking of others, specifically, of course, the person I'm quoting!) ;) Sorry if this is straying too much OT.

[Mrs Mungo]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

In 95% of situations I can think of? I'd suggest they mind their own business.

[Wabi Sabi]

Depends.

 

Are Stacy and Clinton nearby with a $5k gift card with your name on it? In that case I just might be receptive to hearing criticisms about my wardrobe. :lol:

 

Otherwise? I'd politely tell them to stuff a sock in it.

[Dobela]

I would ask them how they are willing to help me make that change. Are they willing to go shopping with me? Buy me clothes to replace what I have?

[Princess Peach]

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

 

:D :lol:

[Cinder]

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

 

And a "bless your heart."

 

:lol:

[justasque]

I peeked at your blog, and from the few pics there, the message I get is "classy, cheerful young mom". You're clearly not veering anywhere near being featured on Joan Rivers' "Starlet or Streetwalker?" fashion game.

 

Is this someone in an official capacity asking you to select a specific style for a specific setting? Like a co-op that asks moms to wear skirts only while they are there? Or a workplace that has clothing rules? If so, then there is a choice to be made (stay and comply (perhaps with one "uniform" outfit worn every time) or leave), or a battle to be fought (is this really the community's opinion, or are there folks who aren't speaking up? has the community thought the implications / big picture of this through?). Either way, it would be about community standards of appearance in that setting, not about how you dress in general. It doesn't sound to me, from your post, as if that's the situation.

 

If this is a religious issue, of course it's more complicated. If that's the case, I would make sure you're hearing input from several folks you respect, from both within and without your faith community, not just one person who has taken it upon themselves to tell you what they think you should do.

 

If someone is questioning your modesty, it's worth considering whether you agree based on *your* standards; if not, ignore and move on. It's really none of their business. No one else gets to decide what you should wear - it's up to you.

 

Stacy and Clinton? 5K would be tempting...

[kiana]

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

 

:iagree:

 

Unless I worked for them in some capacity, maybe.

[justamouse]

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

 

If it's not those who matter most then :iagree:

 

 

Do you really want to give that person that much power over you?

[Kim in Appalachia]

Depends.

 

Are Stacy and Clinton nearby with a $5k gift card with your name on it? In that case I just might be receptive to hearing criticisms about my wardrobe. :lol:

 

Otherwise? I'd politely tell them to stuff a sock in it.

 

:lol: :iagree:

 

I was thinking the same thing. If said person is giving me 5k to get new clothes that person can offer some criticism, otherwise, stuff it. :D

[Kathryn]

In 95% of situations I can think of? I'd suggest they mind their own business.

 

:iagree: actually, I'd probably stare at them open-mouthed, shake my head, and walk away.

[PeacefulChaos]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

This is a real situation, but I won't be giving any more details :tongue_smilie:, because it isn't about the specific clothing items, but more about the idea of change coming from someone other than the individual.

 

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

 

I wouldn't do anything. I think it's incredibly rude for someone to do that. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I peeked at your blog, and from the few pics there, the message I get is "classy, cheerful young mom". You're clearly not veering anywhere near being featured on Joan Rivers' "Starlet or Streetwalker?" fashion game.

 

Is this someone in an official capacity asking you to select a specific style for a specific setting? Like a co-op that asks moms to wear skirts only while they are there? Or a workplace that has clothing rules? If so, then there is a choice to be made (stay and comply (perhaps with one "uniform" outfit worn every time) or leave), or a battle to be fought (is this really the community's opinion, or are there folks who aren't speaking up? has the community thought the implications / big picture of this through?). Either way, it would be about community standards of appearance in that setting, not about how you dress in general. It doesn't sound to me, from your post, as if that's the situation.

 

If this is a religious issue, of course it's more complicated. If that's the case, I would make sure you're hearing input from several folks you respect, from both within and without your faith community, not just one person who has taken it upon themselves to tell you what they think you should do.

 

If someone is questioning your modesty, it's worth considering whether you agree based on *your* standards; if not, ignore and move on. It's really none of their business. No one else gets to decide what you should wear - it's up to you.

 

 

Extremely well said

[dirty ethel rackham]

Okay, I am pretty crabby today, so my first though was the middle finger:lol. But seriously, if I had my wits about me, I think I would say with a superiour smile "I am sorry that you find my appearance offensive, but that is none of your business. Something about the plank in your own eye, perhaps?"

[HappyCrazyMama]

I might ask my dh just to double check but other than that I think they need to mind their own business!

[TranquilMind]

CupOCoffee:Is it someone who has no business minding MY business, and just thinks they know better?

 

If it's the first scenario, or Dh, I probably would consider their words and see if indeed there was some truth to what they were trying to point out. If there was *nothing* I could do about my clothes (as in, I can't afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe) I would thank them for the concern and say "I will work on it".

 

 

 

Right. The questions to answer here are who and why? Is it someone who has a reason to address this with you? Boss? Pastor? Grandma? :tongue_smilie:

 

Or just some random person you see in awhile.

 

I'd probably just say thank you for sharing this with me. Deep down, I'd give it some consideration, decide if it had any truth to it, and change, or not, as necessary.

[besroma]

It really depends on the relationship I had with this person.

 

If the person were someone I really respected and meant well, I would take what they were saying into consideration. If the person had a controlling nature, I would ignore them.

 

If you like your style of dress, and your husband does too, that is what is important unless the person is talking about immodest dress that has negative affects on her family. If that is the case and you don't feel the same way, I would consider modifying my dress around that person and their family. For example, if a friend believed my low-cut blouses were a distraction to her DH and children when our families got together, I would respect that by wearing a higher-cut blouse that I already owned when got together.

 

No way would I change my entire wardrobe just because someone else's beliefs about what is appropriate or fashionable differ from mine. It really irks me that someone said this to you bluntly, rather than in love.

Edited September 6, 2012 by besroma

[regentrude]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

...

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

 

I would stare at them in disbelief and ask why they think it is their business how I dress. Unless, of course, it is my boss.

[Candid]

 

On immodest; I'd say, I might use it as a check of what I wear, but I'm betting that it is also the height of rudeness too.

 

If it was my pastor or someone in church leadership, I'd be having a talk with my husband about why exactly we were attending church with legalists.

 

A few years ago a woman attended our church for a while. She dressed extremely immodestly and it was a bit distracting/upsetting to some people. Backless dresses, super-low cut tops, that sort of thing.

 

A couple of the younger women (her age) tried to talk to her, just asking that she cover up a little bit. (The church leadership didn't want to frighten her off, so one of the leaders' wives asked a couple of younger women if they'd mind speaking to her.) One person offered her a light shawl to wear so her clothing and tattoos wouldn't distract people. She didn't understand the concern, but she took the suggestions with good grace.

 

Was that being legalistic? Not a snarky question, truly want to know if that crosses a line. (It didn't for her, but I'm thinking of others, specifically, of course, the person I'm quoting!) ;) Sorry if this is straying too much OT.

 

Notice that I had a paragraph before the one you quoted. Let's assume you checked yourself and passed the okay test, maybe even asked your husband then that gets to the next paragraph.

 

Obviously you had a woman who followed the middle step and decided that maybe what she had on wasn't quite appropriate.

 

However, there are some things in your description that make me nervous about legalism. The part about tattoos being distracting certainly was.

 

I think it is best for folks to do like Job, and not look at a young woman if they can't control their own thoughts. (note: this is probably beyond the op and I'm not sure I have time to totally flesh out all that the Bible teaches on this area).

 

Only after I had relationship with someone would I offer modesty pointers to someone who was so different from my view point. And I'd really pray that she would ask first.

[marbel]

Notice that I had a paragraph before the one you quoted. Let's assume you checked yourself and passed the okay test, maybe even asked your husband then that gets to the next paragraph.

 

I did notice. I just try not to quote more than what I am specifically responding to, to try to keep the thread shorter.

 

Thanks for your response. I won't take it any further OT but maybe will start a thread in the future on the topic... ;)

[sbgrace]

I had this happen to me. The person was a friend, who I considered close, who felt apparently that my choice to wear pants rather than skirts was immodest among other things. I don't wear shorts or even sleeveless shirts let alone low cut things. In my world I'm much more modest than I think anyone I know. She's Mennonite for reference so her standards are different. But she clearly felt what I wear was not ok. She kept going on and on to try to convince me. It was horrible.

 

When it ended I left it that I would need to do what I was convinced about in my own conscious just like she did. It hurt me and the relationship fwiw. It certainly has never been the same. I started wondering if other homeschooling moms were thinking the same things and now we've moved and I keep wondering if other people are judging like that. It still bothers me.

Edited September 6, 2012 by sbgrace

[Catwoman]

Depends.

 

Are Stacy and Clinton nearby with a $5k gift card with your name on it? In that case I just might be receptive to hearing criticisms about my wardrobe. :lol:

 

Otherwise? I'd politely tell them to stuff a sock in it.

 

Depending on the weather and the general state of my PMS, I might even tell Stacy and Clinton to stuff a sock in it.

 

Well, not Clinton, but Stacy? Definitely. :tongue_smilie:

[Truscifi]

Well without any more details than that I'd probably laugh because it really isn't anyone else's business.

 

:iagree: And I'd probably think they were very rude for bringing it up.

[itsheresomewhere]

I would ask her who peed in her wheaties. Clearly she is not a friend and I would drop her like a hot potato. Look at who is saying it to you and just think about how unhappy she must be to be judging others clothing. Like a PP, I looked at your blog. You are dressed fine.

[SailorMom]

My first thought was of What Not to Wear :) I'll take their advice and 5K any day.....

 

As for anyone else - if the person is someone I respect - I would consider the advice. Sometimes it is hard to recognize our own issues without outside help.

 

DH is always wanting me to show more - so that isn't an issue here, lol.

 

Someone I don't respect?? Yeah - they can shove it.

[Retired]

well you say its not dh or mom which I would take their opinion into consideration

 

If its work then you have a choice to change or leave

 

Now I'm gonna tell you fundamental churches can be very judgmental ;) They have their moral codes and the rest of us are d*med. I grew up with it so I tend to have an attitude.

 

I dress modest for me. I am conscious not to wear super tight pants cause well I've got the butt that men whistle at yes still at 42 :D I refuse to wear a skirt just cause some man may look at my butt but I don't try to flaunt it

 

I can tell you that in south HOME SCHOOL moms are the worst Fundy, judge mental bunch of women I've ever been around and ask me how I know:tongue_smilie:

I refuse to dress fuddy, no shorts, no pants. I actually respect folks that have convictions that are personal but have no respect for women that think they are god and Jesus and sent to condemn women of the world for making men sin. Its not Jesus is self righteousness - enough said

[Word Nerd]

I would ask her who peed in her wheaties. Clearly she is not a friend and I would drop her like a hot potato. Look at who is saying it to you and just think about how unhappy she must be to be judging others clothing. Like a PP, I looked at your blog. You are dressed fine.

 

:confused: You are making a lot of assumptions here. We don't even know if this was directed at the OP, what was said, who said it, or what the problem was.

[GWOB]

I'll go back and clarify my OP.

 

Not DH

Not Mom

 

Thanks for the replies already. Such a weird situation.

 

If it isn't from the above people, I'd ignore the comment. Actually I'd ignore my mom too, but that's because she's crazy;).

 

My first thought is to tell them "Well, you can suck it." :001_smile:

 

Politely, of course, and with a smile.

 

I would be tempted to do the same, but I would follow it with a "bless your heart" or "sweetie." The Southern in me would force me to at least be kinda polite about it.

 

In 95% of situations I can think of? I'd suggest they mind their own business.

 

For realz. Why do people feel the need to "help" everyone around them? Just because you watch Dr.Phil or read self-help books doesn't mean you are a therapist.

Depends.

 

Are Stacy and Clinton nearby with a $5k gift card with your name on it? In that case I just might be receptive to hearing criticisms about my wardrobe. :lol:

 

Otherwise? I'd politely tell them to stuff a sock in it.

 

Yep. Unless you have $5,000 to give me, keep your trap shut.

 

Okay, I am pretty crabby today, so my first though was the middle finger:lol. But seriously, if I had my wits about me, I think I would say with a superiour smile "I am sorry that you find my appearance offensive, but that is none of your business. Something about the plank in your own eye, perhaps?"

 

:iagree:, right down to the crabby part.

[itsheresomewhere]

:confused: You are making a lot of assumptions here. We don't even know if this was directed at the OP, what was said, who said it, or what the problem was.

 

Did you read the rest of the comments? Mine was well in line with the others.

[Farmgirl70]

A few years ago a woman attended our church for a while. She dressed extremely immodestly and it was a bit distracting/upsetting to some people. Backless dresses, super-low cut tops, that sort of thing.

 

A couple of the younger women (her age) tried to talk to her, just asking that she cover up a little bit. (The church leadership didn't want to frighten her off, so one of the leaders' wives asked a couple of younger women if they'd mind speaking to her.) One person offered her a light shawl to wear so her clothing and tattoos wouldn't distract people. She didn't understand the concern, but she took the suggestions with good grace.

 

Was that being legalistic? Not a snarky question, truly want to know if that crosses a line. (It didn't for her, but I'm thinking of others, specifically, of course, the person I'm quoting!) ;) Sorry if this is straying too much OT.

 

We had a young woman attend a group of ours a few years back. She tended toward revealing clothes. She had lots of tattoos (not a problem) and wanted to show us a new one one day, so she just pulled her shirt off to do so (in mixed company). Later, her and I were having a conversation about modesty prompted by some of her boyfriend's complaints (also in the group). At one point, she just said, "I want to be more modest, but I just don't get it. And I am no longer drinking, taking drugs or sleeping around, so I wish he'd just have a little patience with me!" In that context, I thought that the best thing we could do would be to offer her a little grace and to support her with all the changes she had made--it's hard to change. Who knows what someone's story might be?

 

FWIW, in less extreme cases I think that what a person chooses to wear is up to them and only those closest to them ought to offer much input, unless they are asked.

[Shellydon]

A statement like that would cause me seriously exam my clothing choices.

[PinkInTheBlue]

It would have to be someone that really, really matters (like my husband) for me to do much more than "pass the bean dip". Since you said it is not him, I wouldn't do much worrying about it at all. If YOU and your family are not disturbed by the clothes choices then I would be pretty upset by someone bossing their opinion to me in this way. My inclination would be to tell them to mind their own business. :) lol

 

Clarifying a bit to say I wouldn't give this freedom of opinion to anyone of religious importance but I know many others would. My first assumption was that this was probably something you heard from someone of religious importance and, to me, that would not be valid to offer opinion on my family. However, I know for many that would not be the case.

[Ghee]

I can only think of one situation where I'd not want to smack someone. If it were my boss, and I were breaking dress code policy. I used to work in a school, and we had a policy about modesty (which was rarely adhered to, but it was there..) But if it were someone, even a friend, just wanting me to change my entire wardrobe to something they found more aesthetically pleasing? Um, no.

 

Not sure how I'd react if it were my husband, I've not been in that position.

 

ETA: Okay, I saw that others had seen you on your blog. I went to look. Is that you in the Space party photos? Is that indicative of your usual attire? Were these comments about wanting a wardrobe change directed at you? If the answer to all is yes, then I'd tell them to fold it in five corners and stick it....well, you get the idea. You look adorable and I saw nothing wrong with how you were dressed in that or another pic I saw. In fact, I thought you looked great.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Ghee

[Celia]

It would totally depend on the situation. Coming from a boss, I'd change. Coming from a friend, I'd try to step back and take a good look at myself. Coming from a church member, I'd try to re-examine my wardrobe in light of the standards of Scripture. Coming from my kids, I'd laugh. Coming from my husband, I'd ask for a wad of cash and hit the mall.