SO Dresses/Modesty - WWYD?

[Mommyof4ks]

It would depend on why someone was saying that. I looked at your blog and you dress nicely. Your shirts are lower cut than I would wear, but not inappropriately so IMO, and it is none of my business how others dress on a day to day basis. My guess is that you would not wear a short like the ones in your blog to teach at co-op or somewhere that would require you bend down in front of children and thus show them more than they should see, but for everyday wear I do not see the problem. IMO as long as everything is covered around children, then we are good lol. Maybe your friend is uncomfortable with her own body?

[ByGrace3]

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to comment because this is kind of close to home right now. We have several families in our hs group that could use a dose of modesty. I am uncomfortable with how immodestly some of the kids and even moms dress. Of course, I am coming from the foundation of being a. Christian, believing the Bible teaches modesty, and that the Bible mandates us holding one another accountable. If you don't come from that worldview, this won't apply at all. ;)

 

Whenever someone confronts another it should be in love and for the purpose of growing one another in Christ. But even if it is not done correctly, I still desire to be open if and when someone comes to me. I want to grow so I would take it as a matter of prayer and see if the judgment had any merit.

 

I try to be open to criticism. I think holding one another accountable is Biblical. I would pray about it, ask m y Dh, and maybe a close friend or 2 that I value their opinion and see if there is any truth to their comment.

 

Of course, this may not apply at all... So feel free to ignore. :tongue_smilie: and of course modesty is quite subjective so... :D

[besroma]

I had this happen to me. The person was a friend, who I considered close, who felt apparently that my choice to wear pants rather than skirts was immodest among other things. I don't wear shorts or even sleeveless shirts let alone low cut things. In my world I'm much more modest than I think anyone I know. She's Mennonite for reference so her standards are different. But she clearly felt what I wear was not ok. She kept going on and on to try to convince me. It was horrible.

 

When it ended I left it that I would need to do what I was convinced about in my own conscious just like she did. It hurt me and the relationship fwiw. It certainly has never been the same. I started wondering if other homeschooling moms were thinking the same things and now we've moved and I keep wondering if other people are judging like that. It still bothers me.

 

Please don't let it bother you. These are her standards, not yours, and she certainly does not speak for most homeschoolers.

 

Wearing pants does not make you immodest. Try not to let what happened with this woman affect your relationships with others. :grouphug:

[Bluegoat]

Hard to say. It is such an unusual thing for someone to do that my immediate thought would be that I must be going way over the line for her to actually say something - it is a pretty awkward conversation to bring up. If it was a friend or even someone I saw regularly I would ask why they thought so.

 

I once met a girl who could have used that kind of advice from someone. She was actually refused admittance to the local pick-up place nightclub. I'm still not sure what sort of outfit could make that happen, but she was wearing what I would consider pretty bare night-club clothing at the grocery store, so it could be anything almost.

 

While of course it was up to her what to wear, my feeling was that she really didn't realize the impression she gave. A friend to tell her might have been a good thing.

[Renthead Mommy]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

This is a real situation, but I won't be giving any more details :tongue_smilie:, because it isn't about the specific clothing items, but more about the idea of change coming from someone other than the individual.

 

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

 

"Gee that's too bad. I disapprove of your rudeness and would love for you to change, but I'm smart enough to know that that will probably not happen. I guess both of us will be disappointed huh?"

[justasque]

Most people say they would dismiss it out of hand, but there's obviously something amiss. I would take what she said and really think about it. Perhaps I *am* a bit too immodest?

 

OP, just remember that the "something amiss" could very well be with the other person, not with you. Think it through, but don't overthink it or let yourself obsess. If your self-check comes up OK, move on and don't stress for another minute.

[Renthead Mommy]

Depends.

 

Are Stacy and Clinton nearby with a $5k gift card with your name on it? In that case I just might be receptive to hearing criticisms about my wardrobe. :lol:

 

Otherwise? I'd politely tell them to stuff a sock in it.

 

HA! Yes! Stacy and Clinton are the ONLY people that can come out and say that! And that is only because they are then going to go buy you new clothes!

 

Plus they happen to actually KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT! Unlike your average rude person who just feels the need to express their opinion!

[QueenCat]

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to comment because this is kind of close to home right now. We have several families in our hs group that could use a dose of modesty. I am uncomfortable with how immodestly some of the kids and even moms dress. Of course, I am coming from the foundation of being a. Christian, believing the Bible teaches modesty, and that the Bible mandates us holding one another accountable. If you don't come from that worldview, this won't apply at all. ;)

 

Even among Christians, there is a very wide range of what is considered modest.

[Jpoy85]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

This is a real situation, but I won't be giving any more details :tongue_smilie:, because it isn't about the specific clothing items, but more about the idea of change coming from someone other than the individual.

 

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

 

It wouldnt matter if it was DH, Mom, BFF, or the homeless guy.... I wouldnt change for them. I do this for God, no one else. I would just say that God laid it on my heart and I am going to follow what he wants.

[UnsinkableKristen]

We have several families in our hs group that could use a dose of modesty.

 

 

But a dose of whose modesty? Yours? Theirs? Mine? God's? And which version of God's modesty? Because there are a LOT of them.

Edited September 6, 2012 by UnsinkableKristen
Kitten killing

[ByGrace3]

Even among Christians, there is a very wide range of what is considered modest.

 

I did go onto say that modesty is very subjective. So while I would take into consideration the comment, I would ultimately pray about it, consult with my Dh and some close friends and see if there was any validity to it for "me." :001_smile:

[Mrs Mungo]

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to comment because this is kind of close to home right now. We have several families in our hs group that could use a dose of modesty. I am uncomfortable with how immodestly some of the kids and even moms dress.

 

The answer, IMO, would be to come up with a dress code that applies equally to everyone. The co-cop leadership can come up with basic standards that seem fair to everyone. The dress code should be stated up front and families can choose to participate or not. I would never approach individuals in a co-op setting about their mode of dress without some kind of rule in place already. There is a difference between an objective viewpoint (your shorts do not go past your fingertips and therefore do not meet the dress code) and a subjective one (you are dressing immodestly and I am Biblically admonishing you).

[Plink]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need to hear all of the "if this, then ... if that, then" comments.

 

I find it hard to come up with a balanced response. My instinct is to say that the situation is nuts and completely ignore it, but my religious background makes me feel as if I should throw away everything I own because it might be an issue for someone else, and buy all new clothes.

 

There must be a rational middle ground, but it is a bit hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

[Jpoy85]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need to hear all of the "if this, then ... if that, then" comments.

 

I find it really hard to find a balanced response. My instinct is to say that the situation is nuts and completely ignore it, but my religious background makes me feel as if I should throw away everything I own because it might be an issue for someone else, and buy all new clothes.

 

There must be a rational middle ground, but it is a bit hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

 

:grouphug:

[justasque]

The answer, IMO, would be to come up with a dress code that applies equally to everyone.

 

This would also give the co-op an opportunity to discuss the issue in light of the co-op's goals, the various viewpoints of the membership, etc. You'll get to think about whether the dress code would apply just to teachers, to the mom who has volunteered to vacuum that day, to the sister-in-law who is picking up the kids because mom is sick, etc. You'll have to think about what the consequences would be for someone who did not comply with the dress code. You'll have to decide whether certain kids are worth having in class even if their parents don't meet code (because they're good kids who keep up with their work and contribute to class discussions, or because they're kids who really need what they get out of co-op and you want to extend that help to them). You'll have to discuss the fact that a dress code might limit the number of people who will consider joining the co-op, and the various positive and negative consequences of that.

 

Or you can decide to trust the judgement of the families who join, understand that there will be a range of perspectives/practices, talk to your kids about what your own family's standards are and why, and extend some grace to those who come to different decisions about what is modest/appropriate dress for themselves and their families.

 

As homeschoolers, we have a lot in common, but we are not all alike. I think it's a good thing for each family to think these things through for themselves, come to their own conclusions based on their values and experiences, do a self-check now and again, re-assess as children grow and as life winds along different paths, and to extend grace to those who walk these paths a bit differently than we do.

 

There are so, so many things we can spend our time on that can really help others in meaningful ways. We need to choose carefully how best to spend our limited time and energy.

[BearWallowSchool]

But a dose of whose modesty? Yours? Theirs? Mine? God's? And which version of God's modesty? Because there are a LOT of them.

 

I think everyone must admit that there has to be a line somewhere. Or I could say that naked was modest, if that was my idea of modest.

[fairfarmhand]

The answer, IMO, would be to come up with a dress code that applies equally to everyone. The co-cop leadership can come up with basic standards that seem fair to everyone. The dress code should be stated up front and families can choose to participate or not. I would never approach individuals in a co-op setting about their mode of dress without some kind of rule in place already. There is a difference between an objective viewpoint (your shorts do not go past your fingertips and therefore do not meet the dress code) and a subjective one (you are dressing immodestly and I am Biblically admonishing you).

Our homeschool group uses the guidelines for the public school system. This helps ensure that they are not over the top ridiculous, and many people feel that this is a good middle ground between the more conservative dressers and everyone else.

[*Lulu*]

What would you do if someone approached you and bluntly said that they disapprove of your clothing choices? - Almost all of them - And they want you to change.

 

This is a real situation, but I won't be giving any more details :tongue_smilie:, because it isn't about the specific clothing items, but more about the idea of change coming from someone other than the individual.

 

ETA: the "someone" is not DH or Mom

 

I have been thinking about this all morning.

 

If it was a work setting, I would look to the dress code of the workplace, or to a supervisor. If it was the supervisor I could change or quit.

 

If someone in a social or religious setting that I was well aquainted with and respected said to me, "I disapprove of your choice of clothing." I would ask why and go from there.

 

If someone who I barely know or like said the above or any variation with Biblical guilt laced trimming I would be forced to smile and say, "OH MY! I am SO sorry I gave you the impression it was all right to speak to me like that. Bless your heart, I know it is so embarrassing to have a public attack of foot-in-mouth syndrome." and walk quickly away while they figure out if it was an actual apology.

[Mrs Mungo]

This would also give the co-op an opportunity to discuss the issue in light of the co-op's goals, the various viewpoints of the membership, etc. You'll get to think about whether the dress code would apply just to teachers, to the mom who has volunteered to vacuum that day, to the sister-in-law who is picking up the kids because mom is sick, etc. You'll have to think about what the consequences would be for someone who did not comply with the dress code. You'll have to decide whether certain kids are worth having in class even if their parents don't meet code (because they're good kids who keep up with their work and contribute to class discussions, or because they're kids who really need what they get out of co-op and you want to extend that help to them). You'll have to discuss the fact that a dress code might limit the number of people who will consider joining the co-op, and the various positive and negative consequences of that.

 

Or you can decide to trust the judgement of the families who join, understand that there will be a range of perspectives/practices, talk to your kids about what your own family's standards are and why, and extend some grace to those who come to different decisions about what is modest/appropriate dress for themselves and their families.

 

As homeschoolers, we have a lot in common, but we are not all alike. I think it's a good thing for each family to think these things through for themselves, come to their own conclusions based on their values and experiences, do a self-check now and again, re-assess as children grow and as life winds along different paths, and to extend grace to those who walk these paths a bit differently than we do.

 

There are so, so many things we can spend our time on that can really help others in meaningful ways. We need to choose carefully how best to spend our limited time and energy.

 

Absolutely. There have been co-ops we didn't join in the past due to (what I felt was) an overly strict dress code, even though my friend thought I was crazy because she felt we dressed conservatively and would be fine. It just wasn't something I had time in my life to worry about then.

[Mrs Mungo]

Our homeschool group uses the guidelines for the public school system. This helps ensure that they are not over the top ridiculous, and many people feel that this is a good middle ground between the more conservative dressers and everyone else.

 

I think this is basically what most of the co-ops in my area use as a guideline. Except, they allow things that the public school does not (like certain colored t-shirts or hats).

[BearWallowSchool]

Our homeschool group uses the guidelines for the public school system. This helps ensure that they are not over the top ridiculous, and many people feel that this is a good middle ground between the more conservative dressers and everyone else.

 

Sounds like a good idea to me.

[elegantlion]

Are you too modest? Or immodest? I need to know!

 

On too modest; I'd say there is nothing but rudeness that I can come up with so that wouldn't would make me consider that remark. What reason would anyone have to criticize you for being too modest?

 

On immodest; I'd say, I might use it as a check of what I wear, but I'm betting that it is also the height of rudeness too.

 

If it was my pastor or someone in church leadership, I'd be having a talk with my husband about why exactly we were attending church with legalists.

 

And a "bless your heart."

 

:lol:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

"Gee that's too bad. I disapprove of your rudeness and would love for you to change, but I'm smart enough to know that that will probably not happen. I guess both of us will be disappointed huh?"

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

Even if it is a religious issue, I believe it is up to God to do the convicting, not a random person in my life. :glare:

[BigMamaBird]

Well, since you said it isn't dh or your Mom (the only people I'd listen to) I'd tell them to go fly a kite. It's none of their business what you wear. Unless it's a boss and you're working under a dress code type situation or you're completely situationally inappropriate, like a bikini to the theater, then they're out of line.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

Even if it is a religious issue, I believe it is up to God to do the convicting, not a random person in my life. :glare:

 

:iagree: I actually told one person that they were not the Holy Spirit and to stop trying to take that role.

[kitten18]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need to hear all of the "if this, then ... if that, then" comments.

 

I find it hard to come up with a balanced response. My instinct is to say that the situation is nuts and completely ignore it, but my religious background makes me feel as if I should throw away everything I own because it might be an issue for someone else, and buy all new clothes.

 

There must be a rational middle ground, but it is a bit hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

I looked through many, many pages of your blog. In every picture of you that I saw (there weren't many ;)) you were dressed completely appropriately. It seemed that your clothing fit the situation.

The most revealing thing I saw was the dress at the wedding. Sleeveless, v-neck, it looks exactly like something I would have worn (and at all the weddings I go to, most of the young-middle aged women would have worn something similar).

 

In *my world* sleeveless and a bit of cleavage are perfectly acceptable. So that's where I'm coming from.:D

 

 

*** eta - my world is not just Southern CA, most of our family live in small towns in Nebraska and that is where we go to weddings.

Edited September 6, 2012 by kitten18

[Kirch]

Thanks for all the replies. I really need to hear all of the "if this, then ... if that, then" comments.

 

I find it hard to come up with a balanced response. My instinct is to say that the situation is nuts and completely ignore it, but my religious background makes me feel as if I should throw away everything I own because it might be an issue for someone else, and buy all new clothes.

 

There must be a rational middle ground, but it is a bit hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

 

If it is *really* bothering you and you aren't comfortable ignoring it (depending on the source) try talking to your dh and a couple of wise, mature friends and see what their take is on it. I understand about not wanting to cause issues for someone else, but unless your clothing is *seriously* revealing, I think the burden is on the person with the issue. Unless the way you dress is reeaally out there, the person in question needs to take responsibility for his or her own issues. And I'm guessing this is a woman, so unless she's claiming that the way you dress is causing her husband or son to lust, then whatever issue she has isn't a stumbling block issue--it's an opinion issue. And like I said, even if it's about her dh, unless you really are letting it ALL hang out, it's HIS issue that he needs to take responsibility for.

[tammieb]

My dh is the ONLY person I'd give any consideration to! He helps me pick most of my clothes (he actually has better taste than I do :D!!)

 

I wouldn't stress about (though I don't know all the details).