What would you do or feel if your child were left out of a birthday party?

[LoriK]

This summer, the mother of one of my daughter's friends told me that they were planning to have an American Girl Party in September for their daughter. It is a big affair, complete with a night in a hotel in Los Angeles and a party at the LA American Girl Store. She told me what hotel they were planning to stay in and said that my daughter was invited. A few days after that, she messaged me on Facebook asking for our P.O. Box so that she could send my daughter an invitation.

 

The girl's birthday is next week, but the party was today. I found out the party was today, because the mom has been posting pictures on Facebook all day. We never got an invite. My daughter saw the pictures and knows that she was left out and she is very sad about it. She had been very excited about this party. We had even ordered a gift card from the American Girl website in a fairly large amount, to give the girl for her birthday.

 

My daughter is extremely sad about this. I don't think it is the fact that she missed the fun or even going to the American Girl store. I think it is that she was passed over. She said that she feels like the girl didn't think she was good enough to be invited. She is also upset because she said that she wanted her friend to spend her gift card while she was at the store and if she had known she wasn't invited, she would have given it to her this past week so that at least she could take it to the store. I asked her if she wants to take it to her next week or mail it to her. Her answer was a shrug and an, "I guess."

 

I know that parties are expensive. I know that you can only invite a certain number of kids. I understand having to make choices about who you invite, but I don't understand verbally inviting someone, asking for their address to send them an official invite and then not doing it. Had she not said we were going to get an invite, I wouldn't have thought twice about it when she posted the pictures.

 

I feel really bad for my daughter. I don't really know what to do about it. Everything I tried to say to her didn't really sooth her. Any words of wisdom on how to deal with this?

[GWOB]

That's not cool. If the other mom told you about it and didn't invite your dd, that's just wrong. And posting about it on FB? Klassy:glare:.

 

What should you do? Your dd should still give her friend the gift. Teach her how to be gracious. I know she is hurting right now because she was not invited, but giving the gift to her friend anyway will teach her how to be the bigger person. Maybe you can make a date for the other girl and your dd to go to the American Girl store together. Most importantly, tell your dd that she is special, despite not getting invited to this party.

 

:grouphug: It stinks when we see our kids excluded.

[Catwoman]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

If you really want her to be gracious (and again, I don't see why you would,) have your dd send her a birthday card. NO GIFT. A gift is not required if she wasn't invited to the party.

 

(And because the mom specifically asked you for your address so she could send the invitation, I wouldn't be feeling particularly friendly toward her right now, either. She really messed up in a big way, and she was incredibly inconsiderate of your dd's feelings. :glare:)

Edited September 2, 2012 by Catwoman

[oldskool]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

:iagree: I see no reason to give a gift if she wasn't invited to the party. To me it would make the situation more awkward.

[LoriK]

The store is a little too far away to make a quick shopping trip, or I would suggest that to my daughter. I will ask her tomorrow if she wants to keep the card or give it to her friend.

 

I am afraid if we give it to the girl, it will look snarky...like we are trying to send a message that we know we were left out or something.

[Catwoman]

The store is a little too far away to make a quick shopping trip, or I would suggest that to my daughter. I will ask her tomorrow if she wants to keep the card or give it to her friend.

 

I am afraid if we give it to the girl, it will look snarky...like we are trying to send a message that we know we were left out or something.

 

Why not just let your dd use the gift card online at AmericanGirl.com?

 

If nothing else, you could sell it on eBay at a small discount and you and your dd could use the money to do something fun together.

 

I was thinking that if you gave it to the girl, it would be like rewarding her for not inviting your dd to the party, and would make it seem like you and your dd completely excused the poor behavior. And realistically, if the mom threw such a lavish party for her dd, the girl probably doesn't really need the gift from your dd -- it will mean nothing to her, because she probably already got a ton of stuff. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she barely thanked your dd for the gift card.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Catwoman

[GWOB]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

If you really want her to be gracious (and again, I don't see why you would,) have your dd send her a birthday card. NO GIFT. A gift is not required if she wasn't invited to the party.

 

(And because the mom specifically asked you for your address so she could send the invitation, I wouldn't be feeling particularly friendly toward her right now, either. She really messed up in a big way, and she was incredibly inconsiderate of your dd's feelings. :glare:)

 

I get what you're saying, and I agree to a point. However, usually it is the mother that plans the party and sends out the invitations. While I would teach my kid to be the bigger person and give the friend her gift, secretly I would be glad to be sticking it to the other mom. But I'm a little mean like that;).

[Catwoman]

I get what you're saying, and I agree to a point. However, usually it is the mother that plans the party and sends out the invitations. While I would teach my kid to be the bigger person and give the friend her gift, secretly I would be glad to be sticking it to the other mom. But I'm a little mean like that;).

 

I guess I just assumed that the kid would have had some input as to who was invited to her birthday party. Even little kids usually get to choose who is invited and who is excluded.

 

Honestly, because the mom specifically asked Lori for her contact info so she would know where to send the invitation, my suspicion was that the kid was the one who didn't want to invite Lori's dd to the party and the mom went along with it.

 

I just can't see the point of rewarding people for poor behavior. I think it just encourages them to do the same thing to other people in the future.

[jessicalb]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

[Grover]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

yes to this - do you know she wasn't invited or did the invite go awry and are they wondering why you didn't turn up?

[LoriK]

I thought about it being lost in the mail, but then I woud figure she would have messaged me or called to see if we were coming since we hadn't RSVP'd and she needed a final count. I looked up what she wrote on facebook and she had said that my daughter was invited to the party, gave the date and time and then said she would message me details. She later messaged me for our PO Box so she could mail us the invitation.

 

There is a slight chance it was lost, but I am thinking we were passed over. It might have been the daughter that didn't want my daughter to come.

 

At first I was hurt and then mad and in that moment, you think of all the ways you can show her...but truthfully I don't care about that. I am mostly just concerned about my daughter. As a military family, we have moved a lot and she already has trouble settling in and feeling a part of things in a new place. She felt like this little girl was one of her best friends and it has really thrown her for a loop to be left out of the party.

 

These girls are all 8. Well, my daughter will be 8 at the end of the month. She also told me that she doesn't want to have a birthday party because she is afraid none of these kids will come.

[MollyAnn]

I am so sorry for your dd.

 

Since you were given the date, time, and asked for your address I would wonder if the invite got lost in the mail. Maybe comment on one of the pictures and see how the mother responds.

 

I would not give the gift.

 

 

Just out of curiosity, since you were given the date of the party in advance, why didn't you call or message the mother as the date got closer?

[I talk to the trees]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

If you really want her to be gracious (and again, I don't see why you would,) have your dd send her a birthday card. NO GIFT. A gift is not required if she wasn't invited to the party.

 

(And because the mom specifically asked you for your address so she could send the invitation, I wouldn't be feeling particularly friendly toward her right now, either. She really messed up in a big way, and she was incredibly inconsiderate of your dd's feelings. :glare:)

 

:iagree: 100%!!

[IsabelC]

Sounds like the other kid's mother made the mistake of assuming that your daughter would be invited, then found that her daughter had a slightly different priority for the guest list. At that point, the mom, if at all possible, should have fixed the problem by extending the budget to allow for one extra guest. Hopefully next time she'll have learnt her lesson and not verbally invite anyone before the list is finalized.

 

I would not give the big gift either. It might be seen as a reproof for the exclusion (or even a desperate attempt to buy favor), rather than a 'being the bigger person' thing. A small token gift or even just a card would be more appropriate.

 

:grouphug: to you and dd

[bettyandbob]

I would not give the other child the gift card. Spend it on your dd. either now or use it for birthday or Christmas. your dd was not invited. No gift was expected. I would only forward a gift in this situation if you'd gotten something personalized and knew no one else with the name.

 

If your dd is afraid to plan a party, figure out what you would have spent on a party and do a special event. I don't know what's local to you or what you were going to spend but a Broadway show, trip to aquarium with a behind the scenes tour might wrk. I'd probably avoid AG simply b/c of this party, but I might consider if it was clear dd was only wanting that.

[merry gardens]

I thought about it being lost in the mail, but then I woud figure she would have messaged me or called to see if we were coming since we hadn't RSVP'd and she needed a final count. I looked up what she wrote on facebook and she had said that my daughter was invited to the party, gave the date and time and then said she would message me details. She later messaged me for our PO Box so she could mail us the invitation.

 

There is a slight chance it was lost, but I am thinking we were passed over. It might have been the daughter that didn't want my daughter to come.

 

At first I was hurt and then mad and in that moment, you think of all the ways you can show her...but truthfully I don't care about that. I am mostly just concerned about my daughter. As a military family, we have moved a lot and she already has trouble settling in and feeling a part of things in a new place. She felt like this little girl was one of her best friends and it has really thrown her for a loop to be left out of the party.

 

These girls are all 8. Well, my daughter will be 8 at the end of the month. She also told me that she doesn't want to have a birthday party because she is afraid none of these kids will come.

She reached out and informed you of the date and asked for your address. If you knew the party was approaching and hadn't yet received the invite and you wanted your daughter to go, you could have called her. People who throw parties shouldn't have to chase down their guests for RSVP. She and her daughter might be feeling hurt that you ignored the invitation! Until you have any evidence to the contrary, I'd assume the best of your friend--that somehow the invite was lost.

[Lolly]

She reached out and informed you of the date and asked for your address. If you knew the party was approaching and hadn't yet received the invite and you wanted your daughter to go, you could have called her. People who throw parties shouldn't have to chase down their guests for RSVP. She and her daughter might be feeling hurt that you ignored the invitation! Until you have any evidence to the contrary, I'd assume the best of your friend--that somehow the invite was lost.

 

:iagree:

[WishboneDawn]

The store is a little too far away to make a quick shopping trip, or I would suggest that to my daughter. I will ask her tomorrow if she wants to keep the card or give it to her friend.

 

I am afraid if we give it to the girl, it will look snarky...like we are trying to send a message that we know we were left out or something.

 

The mother needs a message but I've simply call and ask if there was some sort of misunderstanding.

 

After all, it could have been that your invitation got lost in the mail but she thought, with no response, that you had decided not to go.

[WishboneDawn]

She reached out and informed you of the date and asked for your address. If you knew the party was approaching and hadn't yet received the invite and you wanted your daughter to go, you could have called her. People who throw parties shouldn't have to chase down their guests for RSVP. She and her daughter might be feeling hurt that you ignored the invitation! Until you have any evidence to the contrary, I'd assume the best of your friend--that somehow the invite was lost.

 

:iagree:

 

I didn't realize she had already given you the date and time.

[Classical Country Mama]

She reached out and informed you of the date and asked for your address. If you knew the party was approaching and hadn't yet received the invite and you wanted your daughter to go, you could have called her. People who throw parties shouldn't have to chase down their guests for RSVP. She and her daughter might be feeling hurt that you ignored the invitation! Until you have any evidence to the contrary, I'd assume the best of your friend--that somehow the invite was lost.

 

:iagree:

 

Your daughter WAS invited; you just didn't receive the paper version. I'd give the mom a quick call just to follow up. "We're so excited about next week's party--anything else I need to know? May I help in any way?"

[NotSoObvious]

Hmmm... in any other situation, I'd agree about the fact that she already invited you even though you didn't receive an invitation, BUT this was an overnight trip. There couldn't have been many kids invited and with a trip that big, I would be calling each parent individually, getting firm responses, making firm plans, etc.

 

No, a host shouldn't have to reach out for RSVPs, but in this case, I would. I would at least be calling to double check that they weren't coming, just in case a guest had neglected to call. I can't imagine not calling your guests for a party like this. Invitations DO get lost and I am the type of person who would feel very awkward calling to say, "Where's my invitation?"

[laundrycrisis]

First, I would want to confirm that it wasn't just confusion about whether or not your DD was invited. If she was meant to be invited, I would make it clear that you thought she was not because you never heard anything else or received anything in the mail.

 

If she was definitely not included, I would tell the mom point blank that since she had mentioned it to you verbally, your DD was expecting it, and with the pics on FB, has been hurt by being excluded. If this is in fact what happened, she should learn that this kind of thing is hurtful. You don't tell someone their kid will be invited, then not invite the kid, then post pics. It's incredibly inconsiderate of others' feelings to do so.

 

I would keep the gift card for my own kid either way.

[Night Elf]

(or even a desperate attempt to buy favor),

 

:iagree: This is my first thought.

 

I would let your dd use it. Gifts are to be given AT a party unless the child is not having a party or there is some reason you cannot attend even though you were invited. I'd tell your dd that it's too late to give the gift now and that since you have it, she might as well use it.

[delaney]

I'd be mad-very mad. It would be one minor rude thing to mention it and then not invite you, but she invited your daughter! I have come to hate FB for that very reason. My girls have had to look at pictures of dance team members getting together without them all summer and I know how much the lack of invite hurts over the actual missing of the party. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

eta: I see the date was given. I would have called the mom. I would probably call her now and apologize for the mix up.

 

Well she did say it was sometime in September, it's only the 2nd. I can see missing the date if it was not specifically given.

 

 

 

A few things may have happened.

 

- invitation lost in the mail. If that were the case I'd want the mom to know I wasn't a complete non-rsvp snob

 

- the dd didn't want to invite your dd and you were not informed on the change.

 

So how do you come off without sounding snobby or pathetic if you contact the mom?

 

I would practice something like this, "It seems like your dd had a lovely time. My dd had been looking forward to this event. I didn't realize it was this weekend." Then shut up and leave the ball in her court. She created the awkward situation. For all you know she is muttering how your dds are best friends and you just ignored that invitation. Maybe her dh told her to cut down the list for budget purposes and she didn't know how to un-invite you.

 

All around awkward position.

 

I would not give the girl the gift card. She missed out. If you dd likes American Girl, let her buy something online. If she doesn't you could buy some things online and donate them to a charity, a children's hospital, a friend you know is having a hard time, something to make her feel good about her contribution.

Edited September 2, 2012 by elegantlion

[Matryoshka]

I looked up what she wrote on facebook and she had said that my daughter was invited to the party, gave the date and time and then said she would message me details. She later messaged me for our PO Box so she could mail us the invitation.

 

Um, you were invited. You were told you were, and also given date and time. I don't even send out paper invites anymore. I would have put the date on my calendar, and just shown up and never even given it a thought. If I had a worry about not receiving the paper one, I might have given a call or messaged her and said "we're so looking forward to the party next week!" and if she really had disinvited you, she'd have said something. And at that point, even if she had disinvited you, she'd probably pretend it was lost in the mail even if it wasn't, and your dd would have gone and no harm done (but I'm kind of guessing it might have been lost).

 

It seems a bit passive-aggressive on your part to have all the info for the party and then miss it because you didn't get a paper version - stuff gets lost in the mail all the time. She might be thinking you blew off her party without even bothering to RSVP (and people do this all the time these days), so it's not like the hostess can assume someone didn't get an invite just because they didn't RSVP. I don't usually hunt people down for RSVPs - on occasion I do, but honestly it gets really, really tiring hunting down people who can't be bothered to respond to an invite.

 

ETA: I forgot this was an overnight - oy, I don't give or get invited to such shindigs! True, I would then find it more likely for her to want to hunt down her guests, but it still doesn't stop you from calling for more details if you needed them. When misunderstandings or miscommunications occur, I always try to think the best of the situation till proven otherwise. Yes, she could be a world-class jerk, and if she did do what you think she did, she really is, and I'd not bother being her friend anymore. But you really have no concrete evidence she did or intended what you think - I would not end a friendship (or miss a party) based on something that might only be true in my head.

Edited September 2, 2012 by matroyshka

[Brigitte]

An 8 year old can't (at least shouldn't) have a FB account, so the only way she would be seeing the pictures is if the mom is showing them to her.

 

I would try to figure out a way of asking the mom about the party, just to clarify the situation. She could be ticked off because you didn't show up for the party. Approach it from that direction. Then you will know if you should be ticked off or if there was a genuine mistake. Knowing the truth is better than stewing over something that could very well be a non-issue.

[Night Elf]

The OP was not given the exact date. She was told it was in September and the party happened a week before the girl's birthday. I might have contacted the party mom, but not that soon so I can understand missing the party.

 

OP, it really is possible that she decided not to send out paper invites. However, you couldn't have known what the exact date was unless she told you. I don't agree with the other posters that the ball was in your court to chase her down to get that information. If someone is holding a party, they tell people the specific date, not a general 'sometime this month'. It's perfectly understandable to expect the party closer to the child's actual birthday.

 

And I still wouldn't give the card. It's just awkward now.

[Melinda in VT]

The OP was not given the exact date. She was told it was in September and the party happened a week before the girl's birthday. I might have contacted the party mom, but not that soon so I can understand missing the party.

 

OP, it really is possible that she decided not to send out paper invites. However, you couldn't have known what the exact date was unless she told you. I don't agree with the other posters that the ball was in your court to chase her down to get that information. If someone is holding a party, they tell people the specific date, not a general 'sometime this month'. It's perfectly understandable to expect the party closer to the child's actual birthday.

 

And I still wouldn't give the card. It's just awkward now.

 

In post #11 the OP says she was given the date and time.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Melinda in VT
decided to not be snarky

[susankenny]

:grouphug: It hurts when people treat our kids poorly. I would rent an American Girl movie and have a slumber party with my daughter. We would use the gift card and shop online. In the end, the only loss is the other family's. You have gained knowledge about their friendship that could save you even more heartache in the longrun.

 

 

Susan

[IsabelC]

Forget etiquette: you will have to follow it up with the other girl's mother now, because WE NEED TO KNOW! :lol:

[Poke Salad Annie]

I'm still missing the part where the OP was given the details of the party. Did she know anything other than the date and time? Since this was an overnight party, and looked to be an expenditure of $$$ by the hostess, it would seem as though the hostess would want a definite final count for this type of party. It's not really a simple one at which ice cream and cake would be served and a few games would be played. This party sounds expensive to me. When it was all said and done, I'm wondering if the OP was left off the list due to cost cutting measures.

 

:grouphug: to you, OP, as this is a very hurtful situation for a child. I don't think it is a very good idea to be looking at Facebook pictures of the party or showing them to your dd. That just increases and reinforces the hurt.

 

About the gift card---we've been in the same situation before, and decided to give the gift to the party person. We were never thanked, and it was never acknowledged in any way. That was an uncomfortable situation as well.

 

I wouldn't give a large value gift card to the party girl. Maybe send a card with several dollars in the mail, along with a note saying that you're sorry you missed the birthday, and hope that it was a happy day for her. Surely the mom of the party girl knows what is going on.

[Scuff]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

:iagree: It sounds like they did want her there. I'd probably even say something on fb to that effect. Sometimes we're disappointed because we're not invited to things. But sometimes it's life circumstances, not that we weren't wanted.

[bettyandbob]

OK, if I were going to follow up. I would message the mom on fb, using the same thread where she asks you to send your PO so she can send details. I would just say I'm sorry if we missed her follow up and there was a miscommunication.

[kalanamak]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

:iagree:

[J-rap]

I'm guessing the daughter had a different idea about who to invite, but it was certainly in poor taste to have left out your daughter.

 

That being said, I'd talk with the mother on the rare chance that the invitation was lost, but also to subtly let her know that it wasn't handled very well! I'd say something like, "This might sound kind of funny, but a couple weeks ago (or whenever) you invited my daughter to your daughter's party, but I see that it has just happened. Do you think the invitation was lost? I'm just a little confused."

 

I wouldn't send her the gift card. We are usually pretty careful about doing the gracious thing, but in this case I'd let your daughter order something with it online, tell her that stranger things have happened, and move on.

[Little Nyssa]

I would apologize to dd and friend. I think both you and the other mom did't follow through. Since you had the information already, there's no reason to think there was any intent to leave dd out. A few days before you could have called to confirm.

[sparrow]

This is a really tricky situation! I don't think I'd call, or message, asking about the possibility of the invitation being lost. What if mom *thought* her dd was going to invite your dd, but it ended up not being the case? The thought of that uncomfortable phone call is making me hive-y :tongue_smilie:.

 

If it were me, I would tell dd that there was some sort of mix-up, not dwell on the details, and let her spend the gift card on the AG website.

 

I'm sorry for your daughter :grouphug:. That stinks. My daughter would have been over the moon to go to such a party and very disappointed if something like this happened.

[Night Elf]

In post #11 the OP says she was given the date and time.

 

Ah, I missed that. It's funny how people interpret things though. Since the party mom said she would send details and specifically asked for a mailing address, the ball was in her court to follow through. I would think it was rude to contact that mom and tell her you still hadn't gotten anything and wanted to come to the party. I see the error on the party mom's part, not the OP.

[Heather in Neverland]

Something similar happened to us.

 

A friend of ds was having a bday party that consisted of bowling and then a sleepover. The mom saw me at school and invited our whole family to bowling and mentioned the sleepover afterward.

 

So we show up for bowling. Everything was fine. When it was over, all the boys went back to their house for the sleepover. A little while later, ds calls us to come pick him up because the friend said he could only have a certain number of friends stay for the sleepover and ds was not one of them. :glare:

 

Come to find out, the boy never wanted ds there in the first place. His mom invited us without asking her son if he wanted ds there or not. She just assumed. So we show up for bowling, give an expensive gift and then ds is asked to LEAVE???

 

Yeah, that mom got an earful from me she will not long forget. Nice parenting.

 

So it is definitely a strong possibility that the mom invited your dd but her own dd didn't. Nobody plans an overnight party at a hotel without confirming the guests.

 

 

 

.

[kwg]

Something similar happened to us.

 

A friend of ds was having a bday party that consisted of bowling and then a sleepover. The mom saw me at school and invited our whole family to bowling and mentioned the sleepover afterward.

 

So we show up for bowling. Everything was fine. When it was over, all the boys went back to their house for the sleepover. A little while later, ds calls us to come pick him up because the friend said he could only have a certain number of friends stay for the sleepover and ds was not one of them. :glare:

 

Come to find out, the boy never wanted ds there in the first place. His mom invited us without asking her son if he wanted ds there or not. She just assumed. So we show up for bowling, give an expensive gift and then ds is asked to LEAVE???

 

Yeah, that mom got an earful from me she will not long forget. Nice parenting.

 

So it is definitely a strong possibility that the mom invited your dd but her own dd didn't. Nobody plans an overnight party at a hotel without confirming the guests.

 

 

 

.

 

My jaw dropped. Crazy. And sad.

[Heather in Neverland]

My jaw dropped. Crazy. And sad.

 

Yep. The kid is a real jerk and I am just amazed the mom went along with it. If that were MY kid? I would tell him, "Look, I am sorry I invited that boy without asking you. But the fact is he is here now so get over it. He showed up, gave you a gift and you will get your butt out there and be a gracious host or you will NEVER have a party again!"

 

Several months later the boy tried to befriend my ds again and my ds said no thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

.

[goldberry]

If I was a mom who invited someone like she did, and then DD changed her mind, I would just say "Sorry, I already invited them and they're coming." There is NO WAY I would not invite them at that point, it is the rudest thing I can imagine. I would just learn a lesson to not open my mouth if I intended to let my DD choose.

 

If it is not a mistake and it was not lost in the mail, I would be FURIOUS. I would definitely be saying something, the point not being that DD wasn't invited, but that she WAS invited and then dis-invited. The mom should have sucked up her responsibility for the situation (opening her mouth) and paid for an extra person.

[goldberry]

If that were MY kid? I would tell him, "Look, I am sorry I invited that boy without asking you. But the fact is he is here now so get over it. He showed up, gave you a gift and you will get your butt out there and be a gracious host or you will NEVER have a party again!"

 

.

 

Amen, sister! Those would be my exact words!

[bettyandbob]

Ah, I missed that. It's funny how people interpret things though. Since the party mom said she would send details and specifically asked for a mailing address, the ball was in her court to follow through. I would think it was rude to contact that mom and tell her you still hadn't gotten anything and wanted to come to the party. I see the error on the party mom's part, not the OP.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Even if I knew the details, if the other person said she was sending me something, I'd expect to get that before feeling I was officially invited. Since this was an expensive event, I would expect an official invite, because head counts are needed. This wasn't mini golf and cake.

 

If I were the host and I had conversed with someone I was inviting and known from the conversations or electronic communication the person was interested I would definitely follow up if I didn't hear.

 

It's a pain in the rear, but for every party I needed a head count (laser tag ) I called every invitee. People just do not know what RSVP means. And/or people are selfish and hang on to invitations and decide the day of the event whether it's worth their while. I would follow up by phone the day before the head count was due so that I could give an accurate head count to the facility. It's a real pain when someone just wonders in to an event without doing the RSVP

 

Knowing what the host had to be paying for this event, I can't believe she didn't follow up on all the guests. In the case of this event, if she didn't have an accurate head count and someone just came it could have resulted in a very expensive add on or a truly awkward lack of space issue.

 

I think the OP is correct. This was most likely not a mistake on the OP's end.

[redsquirrel]

There is plenty of evidence that this could all be a big misunderstanding. You were contacted twice about this: Once to tell you and a second time to get your info. It also sounds like you were given the date and time.

 

I think an open minded follow up might be in order. You can just say, "I am confused. You invited my daughter, and asked for our info, but then we never got the written invitation. When we didn't get it I figured the party was delayed. Now we are all seeing the party invitations on facebook. Can you explain what happened so I can let my daughter know?"

 

It would be a pity if a friendship was ended because of a miscommunication and people jumping to conclusions.

 

And if I called a mom to tell her about party and she didn't say no, I would count that as 'confirmed.' I would feel no need to follow up from the written invitation.

[Rebecca VA]

The party sounds like a huge, expensive undertaking. There's no way I would host something like that and then be careless about the guest list. I would check -- maybe a couple of times -- to see who was coming and who wasn't.

 

I think the other mom decided to leave the girl out at the last minute. I don't blame the OP one bit for being very hurt.

[Dobela]

There is plenty of evidence that this could all be a big misunderstanding. You were contacted twice about this: Once to tell you and a second time to get your info. It also sounds like you were given the date and time.

 

I think an open minded follow up might be in order. You can just say, "I am confused. You invited my daughter, and asked for our info, but then we never got the written invitation. When we didn't get it I figured the party was delayed. Now we are all seeing the party invitations on facebook. Can you explain what happened so I can let my daughter know?"

 

It would be a pity if a friendship was ended because of a miscommunication and people jumping to conclusions.

 

And if I called a mom to tell her about party and she didn't say no, I would count that as 'confirmed.' I would feel no need to follow up from the written invitation.

:iagree: It sounds like a bunch of miscommunication to me. The OP was given the date and all important details. But she never responded. Even without a formal invite in the mail, I would have responded to the one online so they would know to expect my child. Mail does get lost. People forget to mail things. If the mom had mailed it, and never heard back, then she is probably upset with the OP. Just write ot off to communication misunderstandings.

[Heather in Neverland]

The party sounds like a huge, expensive undertaking. There's no way I would host something like that and then be careless about the guest list. I would check -- maybe a couple of times -- to see who was coming and who wasn't.

 

I think the other mom decided to leave the girl out at the last minute. I don't blame the OP one bit for being very hurt.

 

Exactly. A party at Chuck E Cheese? That's one thing. But an expensive, overnight party at a hotel? No way. I would be double checking just to make sure I have enough beds for everyone! This is all on the party mom.

 

 

 

 

.

[Sahamamama]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

If you really want her to be gracious (and again, I don't see why you would,) have your dd send her a birthday card. NO GIFT. A gift is not required if she wasn't invited to the party.

 

(And because the mom specifically asked you for your address so she could send the invitation, I wouldn't be feeling particularly friendly toward her right now, either. She really messed up in a big way, and she was incredibly inconsiderate of your dd's feelings. :glare:)

 

:iagree:I agree with Catwoman, especially the bolded.