What would you do or feel if your child were left out of a birthday party?

[SKL]

It amazes me how catty some women are. Even after all of these years. I would NEVER treat anyone in such a way. I only extend myself to people who actually like me and not the way I look.

 

OP :grouphug: I get left out of stuff for the same reasons. It is NOT your fault. Some women just never really mentally graduate from high school. We quit attending church and are looking for another one because it's clique city.

 

 

It is amazing, isn't it? Myself, I almost make a point to dress "understated" because I don't want anyone to be attracted to me based on my clothes/looks. This is irritating even to some of my friends, but I would rather be ignored from the get-go than put effort into a relationship with someone who isn't worth my time and emotional energy.

 

I just realized my above paragraph could be read as really arrogant. :lol: But seriously, please don't feel like changing yourself is somehow going to make others become nicer people. I know you know that. :grouphug:

[Saille]

On behalf of Queen Bees everywhere and especialy here at the hive, please don't compare rude behavior to a Queen Bee's.

 

This kind, not the Hive Mind kind.

[sassenach]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

Perchance do you live in Orange County? Shallow much? Yeah, time to find a new circle. There's no way that won't trickle down to their daughters. You don't want your dd to deal with that crap.

[WIS0320]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry, that is truly terrible. At least you now know that you've genuinely haven't done anything wrong and that the mother is not a person that has the same life priorities that your family has.

[besroma]

Change that in your head to " it turns out it was a really good thing she was not invited." Because that is just......there are no words.

 

Like others, I wonder what the motivation of the mom that called you. Did you get a sense of that?

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[WishboneDawn]

Honestly, I just wouldn't put too much stock in any of it.

 

I have to say that if I heard what the caller heard I would be shocked but I would not be calling up the excluded party with a full inventory of the hurtful things said. That itself seems rather gossipy, mean and done with the purpose of covering one's behind. A reasonable, non-drama oriented person would wait out the tea party, leave and resolve to avoid the BDay girl's mother as much as possible, NOT find a way to start and/or spread hurtful drama.

 

Honestly, there's just too much in this thread that goes on assumptions rather then reality. The invitation wasn't lost, it was just never sent. The caller wasn't lying or exaggerating.

 

I don't understand why just a simple call to birthday girl's mother didn't happen and isn't still the appropriate course of action. Just, "Hi, I'm not sure what happened to the invitation but I noticed the party already happened. My daughter is feeling bad that she missed it. Could the girls get together so she could give your daughter a gift?"

 

Then keep the friendship between the two girls and put up boundaries with that mom and the other one because there's waaaaay too much drama.

OP...Please don't tell your daughter she couldn't go because of you. Really. You can't be sure if you were told the truth and anyway, if you were, that's adult stuff that she should NOT have to deal with. If it's not too late simply help her assume the best (lost invitation) so she can have her friendshipwithout any burdens or resentments.

Edited September 2, 2012 by WishboneDawn

[TranquilMind]

WishboneDawn

I have to say that if I heard what the caller heard I would be shocked but I would not be calling up the excluded party with a full inventory of the hurtful things said. That itself seems rather gossipy, mean and done with the purpose of covering one's behind.

 

Well, it could have been intended that way. Or that woman could have really been doing the OP a favor in getting her away from this confused and shallow Mom. I think there could be reasons for sharing this and that we cannot judge this from our viewpoint. We don't know her intentions. They sound as if they could have been good.

 

I don't understand why just a simple call to birthday girl's mother didn't happen and isn't still the appropriate course of action. Just, "Hi, I'm not sure what happened to the invitation but I noticed the party already happened. My daughter is feeling bad that she missed it. Could the girls get together so she could give your daughter a gift?"

 

I would have called if I did not receive the invitation and if I remembered that the party was coming up.

 

 

Then keep the friendship between the two girls and put up boundaries with that mom and the other one because there's waaaaay too much drama.

 

OP...Please don't tell your daughter she couldn't go because of you. Really. You can't be sure if you were told the truth and anyway, if you were, that's adult stuff that she should NOT have to deal with. If it's not too late simply help her assume the best (lost invitation) so she can have her friendshipwithout any burdens or resentments.

 

Agree with this advice NOT to share any of this with the daughter.

[6wishes]

Although this situation is awful, I am taking heart after all the postings, that all you women are well aware and are kindly teaching your children to be inclusive and kind to others. This actually gives me hope :). I can't believe some of the other awful experiences shared on this thread, but that so many are trying to teach our kids the higher road, makes me feel so much better! I will be using this as an example in my own mind when our parties are planned in the future (not that I would verbally invite and not follow through, but not speaking out until I speak to dc first).

[Murphy101]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

I wouldn't talk about ANY of it with my dd and I wouldn't call those women ever again, including the one that felt she just had to tell you that everyone is ashamed of you. Wth? She is just as caty and awful as them. I wouodnt discuss it with your dd bc you have no idea what, if any, of it is true or not and it really doesn't even matter. All that matters is tht now you know those ladies aren't ladies and those friends aren't friends.

 

Life is too short for stupid selfish snotty stuff like that. Don't waste another minute on it.

 

Go enjoy the day with your dd and the gift card you purchased.

 

And go find some new ladies who can be genuine and friendly.

 

Some days, I really dislike females. I don't make friends with women very easily because of this stuff. IME, women are far more vicious to each other than men would ever think to treat them.:grouphug:

[laundrycrisis]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

:grouphug: That's horrible.

 

Personally, I would confront the mother with what I learned. In person. Unexpectedly. And not in private. And I would not try to hide it from my DD, or hers. IMO the mother should face consequences for her behavior. I realize this is the low road. But I would still totally do it.

[somo_chickenlady]

I wouldn't give the girl a gift. Have your DD use it instead.

 

I know how you feel, though. My DS went to the same school from the time he was 3 in preschool until 6th grade, with the same kids the entire time. We didn't live in that neighborhood, but it was the school I went to so we optioned DS into that district so he could go there. My DS was only ever invited to ONE birthday party the entire time he went to school there.

 

We don't do parties (only with family), so perhaps they didn't invite him b/c they thought we weren't inviting them. *shrug* I know they were having them b/c they would talk about it in front of DS at school, and his feelings would be hurt b/c he wasn't invited. Plus, you can't tell me that out of 13 boys in that class, not a SINGLE one of them had a birthday party ever in the 9 years DS attended that school.

 

Growing up, I was taught that you invited everyone, or no one at all, particularly at the elementary age. If we did parties, that is definitely how we would do things.

Edited September 2, 2012 by somo_chickenlady

[WishboneDawn]

Well, it could have been intended that way. Or that woman could have really been doing the OP a favor in getting her away from this confused and shallow Mom. I think there could be reasons for sharing this and that we cannot judge this from our viewpoint. We don't know her intentions. They sound as if they could have been good.

 

I agree we don't have enough to judge this but I still think that until she proved otherwise I'd keep her at arm's length, which it sounds like she was anyway. Another mom, not a good friend.

 

IME people who like to share bad things that other people might say about me tend to turn right around and share anything I have to say with the other people. I'd expect a casual aquaintance to not pass the poison on to me and a good friend to defend me at the time the comments were made or at the first appropriate time (kid's bday party not being an appropriate time).

[WishboneDawn]

See, I think it is BEING the alpha wolf to give her the card now and walk away with dignity.

 

I agree. Alpha wolves don't let other people control their behaviour or determine their actions.

 

Giving the gift to the daughter is the proper thing to do. Nothing the mother did can change that.

[laundrycrisis]

I agree. Alpha wolves don't let other people control their behaviour or determine their actions.

 

Giving the gift to the daughter is the proper thing to do. Nothing the mother did can change that.

 

There is nothing "improper" about keeping it to use for herself or someone else.

 

In fact I would go so far as to tell the mean mom that I want the money for it.

[SJ.]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

What!? That is incredibly rude, beyond rude - there aren't even words. I am sorry the mom of the birthday girl felt this way and that the other mom felt the need to tell you. The birthday girl mom seems incredibly shallow and some other things I won't say. :glare:

 

:grouphug: I think you are beautiful. :grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

 

:angry:

 

You have GOT to be kidding me. What a huge b****. Also, I'm not sure about the friend "reporting" this to you.

 

It's like a junior high nightmare. Good grief!

[catz]

:angry:

 

You have GOT to be kidding me. What a huge b****. Also, I'm not sure about the friend "reporting" this to you.

 

It's like a junior high nightmare. Good grief!

 

:iagree: Exactly! Reminds me of a bunch of catty girls in their cool clique. Ridiculous!

[jrn]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

THAT IS HORRIBLE!

 

Thank goodness you found out about this. It would only have been a matter of time before the mom would have made snotty comments about you in front of your dd, or even worse, gotten catty with your dd about the way she looks (or "let's hope you don't take after your mom -- it would be terrible to see a pretty little girl like you gain weight," said with a big smile. :glare:)

 

And FWIW, Lori, I really like your avatar photo, and I think you are exceptionally pretty.

 

 

I agree. Alpha wolves don't let other people control their behaviour or determine their actions.

 

Giving the gift to the daughter is the proper thing to do. Nothing the mother did can change that.

 

I absolutely disagree with that sentiment.

 

First of all, this wasn't a $10.00 gift -- this was a gift card for a substantial amount of money. Would you give a handful of cash to someone who behaved that way toward you? I really doubt it.

 

Secondly, unless you live in a world where women are that catty and superficial, you have no idea about the mindset. If Lori gives the gift card to the kid, the other mom will view herself as being the Important Alpha Queen Bee Mom to whom all others must bow down, no matter how poorly she treats them. She will feel that she has won. She will feel that poor, pathetic, inferior Lori is so desperate for her friendship, that she's willing to suck up to her even after she knew that she had been snubbed and publicly ridiculed, and her dd had been intentionally excluded from the party.

 

She will be happy all day long. And she will tell all of the other moms in her little coven all about it, and they'll have a great laugh over it.

 

And Lori will look like a woman who is so desperate for her daughter to be friends with this other kid, that she's willing to crawl in the dirt and beg for it.

 

Believe me. I grew up knowing lots of women just like the Evil Mom in Question, and they are too shallow and full of themselves to ever grasp the idea that the gift card would be anything but an attempt to suck up and be part of her catty little group.

 

I would never, ever give a gift to that child, and I wouldn't have anything to do with the mom or the girl ever again.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Catwoman

[Soror]

I wouldn't talk about ANY of it with my dd and I wouldn't call those women ever again, including the one that felt she just had to tell you that everyone is ashamed of you. Wth? She is just as caty and awful as them.

 

If it was my friend in that situation I would have wanted them to call me. Had I been in that situation I would likely tell my friend in the nicest way possible. It could be that she was just gossiping or didn't really care, or it could be as she said. I guess if I was the OP I'd go with my gut on that one.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

If it was my friend in that situation I would have wanted them to call me. Had I been in that situation I would likely tell my friend in the nicest way possible. It could be that she was just gossiping or didn't really care, or it could be as she said. I guess if I was the OP I'd go with my gut on that one.

 

I was thinking the same thing. It would hurt like hell to hear, but I would much rather know the truth than go on thinking this woman and I were friends in any way.

[Caroline]

I am so angry for you that I am almost speechless.

[annandatje]

This summer, the mother of one of my daughter's friends told me that they were planning to have an American Girl Party in September for their daughter. It is a big affair, complete with a night in a hotel in Los Angeles and a party at the LA American Girl Store. She told me what hotel they were planning to stay in and said that my daughter was invited. A few days after that, she messaged me on Facebook asking for our P.O. Box so that she could send my daughter an invitation.

 

The girl's birthday is next week, but the party was today. I found out the party was today, because the mom has been posting pictures on Facebook all day. We never got an invite. My daughter saw the pictures and knows that she was left out and she is very sad about it. She had been very excited about this party. We had even ordered a gift card from the American Girl website in a fairly large amount, to give the girl for her birthday.

 

My daughter is extremely sad about this. I don't think it is the fact that she missed the fun or even going to the American Girl store. I think it is that she was passed over. She said that she feels like the girl didn't think she was good enough to be invited. She is also upset because she said that she wanted her friend to spend her gift card while she was at the store and if she had known she wasn't invited, she would have given it to her this past week so that at least she could take it to the store. I asked her if she wants to take it to her next week or mail it to her. Her answer was a shrug and an, "I guess."

 

I know that parties are expensive. I know that you can only invite a certain number of kids. I understand having to make choices about who you invite, but I don't understand verbally inviting someone, asking for their address to send them an official invite and then not doing it. Had she not said we were going to get an invite, I wouldn't have thought twice about it when she posted the pictures.

 

I feel really bad for my daughter. I don't really know what to do about it. Everything I tried to say to her didn't really sooth her. Any words of wisdom on how to deal with this?

 

Poor kid. Could you make a special event of going to the American Girl Store with your daughter to let her buy something special for herself with the gift card?

 

If this is a friendship your daughter wants to keep, I'd casually mention to mom about overwhelming executing a birthday party can be and that my child was hurt because she was told she would be invited but no invitation was received. The mother's reaction will determine whether I would allow my child to continue associating with the girl.

[annandatje]

I guess I should read the entire thread before posting a reply. No way would I continue to associate with the family or any of their friends who condoned such behavior and attitudes.

[snowbeltmom]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

THAT IS HORRIBLE!

 

... unless you live in a world where women are that catty and superficial, you have no idea about the mindset...

 

She will be happy all day long. And she will tell all of the other moms in her little coven all about it, and they'll have a great laugh over it...

 

And Lori will look like a woman who is so desperate for her daughter to be friends with this other kid, that she's willing to crawl in the dirt and beg for it...

 

Believe me. I grew up knowing lots of women just like the Evil Mom in Question, and they are too shallow and full of themselves to ever grasp the idea that the gift card would be anything but an attempt to suck up and be part of her catty little group.

 

I would never, ever give a gift to that child, and I wouldn't have anything to do with the mom or the girl ever again.

 

:iagree:

[Firefly]

Wow; I guess with friends like that, who needs enemies, right? OP, I am in the camp that says cut all ties with this group (including the woman who informed you). You will find a better crowd-- it can just take some time. I would definitely NOT give the girl the gift. To me it would be rewarding their bad behavior.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this; unfortunately we've dealt with our share of mean girl (and mom) behavior as well. :grouphug:

[Walking-Iris]

Wow; I guess with friends like that, who needs enemies, right? OP, I am in the camp that says cut all ties with this group (including the woman who informed you). You will find a better crowd-- it can just take some time. I would definitely NOT give the girl the gift. To me it would be rewarding their bad behavior.

 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this; unfortunately we've dealt with our share of mean girl (and mom) behavior as well. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: You don't need people like that in your life.

[East Coast Sue]

I am angry that you were treated so badly by someone you thought was a friend.

Apparently someone in that circle has a clue and wasn't pleased with how you and your daughter were not invited. Keep that friend but dump the rest. You deserve much, much better!!!

 

I am more of a Lands End gal myself too! :001_smile::grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

I absolutely disagree with that sentiment.

 

First of all, this wasn't a $10.00 gift -- this was a gift card for a substantial amount of money. Would you give a handful of cash to someone who behaved that way toward you? I really doubt it.

 

Secondly, unless you live in a world where women are that catty and superficial, you have no idea about the mindset.

 

If Lori gives the gift card to the kid, the other mom will view herself as being the Important Alpha Queen Bee Mom to whom all others must bow down, no matter how poorly she treats them. She will feel that she has won. She will feel that poor, pathetic, inferior Lori is so desperate for her friendship, that she's willing to suck up to her even after she knew that she had been snubbed and publicly ridiculed, and her dd had been intentionally excluded from the party.

 

She will be happy all day long. And she will tell all of the other moms in her little coven all about it, and they'll have a great laugh over it.

 

And Lori will look like a woman who is so desperate for her daughter to be friends with this other kid, that she's willing to crawl in the dirt and beg for it.

 

Believe me. I grew up knowing lots of women just like the Evil Mom in Question, and they are too shallow and full of themselves to ever grasp the idea that the gift card would be anything but an attempt to suck up and be part of her catty little group.

 

You're still arguing that a person should behave according to what the group of women thinks and what conclusions they'll draw. Keep the gift card because of what they'll think otherwise? Keep it so they won't think they've "won"? Won what exactly?

 

I wasn't advocating giving the card because it would somehow make the mom think better of Lori. If I was her I wouldn't give a flying hoot. What they think is what they think and as you stated nothing I or Lori could do would change that.

 

I was advocating giving the gift card because it was bought as a present for the daughter who is a friend.

 

To me, not giving it because of possible bad behaviour by the mother only teaches exactly the kind of behaviour you're railing against. It's a dependence on them to guide your own actions.

 

You're right. I didn't grow up in the midst of a lot of catty behaviour. What I do and what my neighbours (not a lot of them, I'm out in the boonies) tend to do is use our own sense of what's right and wrong to guide our decisions. In this case I would do as I said, call the mom up and arrange a time to give the gift. Nothing more. I would not pursue any kind of friendship or aquaintance with those women.

 

Either you play the catty game or you don't. But by truly not playing the game you've got to accept that all the reasons you gave amount to absolutely nothing.

[Janie Grace]

I'm shocked speechless. I had no idea grown women could be this shallow and mean. Cut ties with the party giver. I don't think the friend who told you should be punished, but I would not want to associate with the b-day family in any way. I'm so sorry.

[WishboneDawn]

I am angry that you were treated so badly by someone you thought was a friend.

Apparently someone in that circle has a clue and wasn't pleased with how you and your daughter were not invited. Keep that friend but dump the rest. You deserve much, much better!!!

 

I am more of a Lands End gal myself too! :001_smile::grouphug:

 

She should have invited me to the tea party. I'd have to brush the chicken poop off my rubber boots first though...:D

[mybluesky]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

:iagree: This happened once to my daughter. The invitation had been lost in the mail, and fortunately the birthday girl asked us why we hadn't RSVP'd and that's when we figured out what had happened. It is SO hard though when your child feels left out and sad. Any chance you know this mom well enough to message her on facebook just to say something like you saw the pictures of the party and never got the invite, and just wanted to make sure she knew that your daughter wasn't trying to be unkind by not attending...Then the ball is in the mom's court to explain. Maybe something reasonable happened that would be a comfort to your daughter to know?

 

 

ETA...I didn't realize there were so many pages of posts...sorry if I missed some important info before posting!

Edited September 2, 2012 by mybluesky
ETA...I didn't realize there were so many pages of posts...sorry if I missed some important info before posting!

[snowbeltmom]

ETA...I didn't realize there were so many pages of posts...sorry if I missed some important info before posting!

See post #63:eek:

[Catwoman]

 

I was advocating giving the gift card because it was bought as a present for the daughter who is a friend.

 

I was under the impression that the gift was purchased because Lori's dd was invited to the party, and it's customary to bring a gift to a party.

 

No party invitation = no gift.

 

And the horrible, mean, and cruel gossip about Lori would totally negate the necessity or obligation to even acknowledge the birthday, as far as I'm concerned.

 

You're right. I didn't grow up in the midst of a lot of catty behaviour. What I do and what my neighbours (not a lot of them, I'm out in the boonies) tend to do is use our own sense of what's right and wrong to guide our decisions. In this case I would do as I said, call the mom up and arrange a time to give the gift. Nothing more. I would not pursue any kind of friendship or aquaintance with those women.

 

But why would she give a gift to the girl if she wasn't invited to the party?

 

Either you play the catty game or you don't. But by truly not playing the game you've got to accept that all the reasons you gave amount to absolutely nothing.

 

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I think we differ too much about what is "right and wrong" in this situation. If you haven't grown up with that type of dynamic, you truly can't understand the mentality of the Mean Moms. It's not nice, and it doesn't make any kind of reasonable sense. But please believe me when I tell you how the mom and her dd will react to the gift. I truly do know how it works, and the only way to get away from it is to immediately and permanently eliminate all contact with the Evil Coven.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine that not giving the gift and having no further contact with the other mom could possibly be considered to be "playing the catty game." As far as I'm concerned, bowing out of the situation completely is the only sensible thing to do.

 

And realistically, I don't know what Lori's financial situation is, but it sounds like this was a very pricy gift card, and it seems ridiculous to give it away just to prove some sort of point that the woman will not understand anyway. Could we agree that a simple birthday card would serve the same purpose? (And again, I wouldn't be sending one, but my mindset is clearly very different from yours, and I would think the card would essentially be saying, "Thank you for not inviting me to your party, even though you said you were." I'm just thinking that if Lori agrees with your feelings on this, wouldn't it be OK to send a cute card to acknowledge the birthday, without feeling obligated to send a gift?) I'm only asking this because I always respect your opinions, I'm trying to understand your take on this whole situation.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Catwoman

[snowbeltmom]

I was advocating giving the gift card because it was bought as a present for the daughter who is a friend.

.

I just wonder whether the birthday girl considers the OP's daughter part of her circle of friends.

 

I've witnessed this type of behavior first-hand with the Queen Bees in my neighborhood. Being friends with this girl is going to cause nothing but heartache. I would avoid this entire group, both the mothers and the girls - the apples don't fall far from the trees.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

This is NOT your fault. It's that shallow woman's fault. Oh honey, if we were near you you could come over, have cupcake and some special coffee. Plus, my dd would love to have a friend to play dolls with.

 

I'd also drop that whole circle of women. There was no reason for anyone to tell you something that ugly. They aren't worthy of your time.

[elegantlion]

Not only would I not give the gift, I wouldn't talk to that person anymore. I'd be perfectly fine not to be invited in the first place, but don't tell me I'm invited then have me find out later you didn't invite me because I'm not Saks Fifth Avenue enough for you.

 

I'm pretty sure there is a song of redemption in those words. :cheers2:

 

The gift was bought with the idea it would be given at the party. No party= no gift. Sorry. It's not playing a game, it's standing up for the right not to be rolled over because you're not enough "whatever" for the mother.

[Catwoman]

I'm pretty sure there is a song of redemption in those words. :cheers2:

 

The gift was bought with the idea it would be given at the party. No party= no gift. Sorry. It's not playing a game, it's standing up for the right not to be rolled over because you're not enough "whatever" for the mother.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[elegantlion]

Um yeah. I wouldn't expect gifts for my child from people I didn't invite to the party. I wouldn't expect gifts in the first place. But you know what I mean. Geesh.

 

I get it. Maybe some people think give it to her and let the mother feel bad about it (or show her you are the better person). She obviously lacks a conscience in the first place so why would any act of kindness register for her?

 

Adding this to the chorus...

[Catwoman]

Not only would I not give the gift, I wouldn't talk to that person anymore. I'd be perfectly fine not to be invited in the first place, but don't tell me I'm invited then have me find out later you didn't invite me because I'm not Saks Fifth Avenue enough for you.

 

I like to think that I'm too Saks Fifth Avenue for that mother. I'm relatively certain that my years of training in the Art of Superiority and Snobbery would trump hers any day of the week. :D

 

Really. I don't like to brag, but I've got SKILLS. :tongue_smilie:

 

(Just because I've long-since seen the error of my old ways doesn't mean I can't still talk the talk with someone like that horrible mom!)

[Soror]

Um yeah. I wouldn't expect gifts for my child from people I didn't invite to the party. I wouldn't expect gifts in the first place. But you know what I mean. Geesh.

 

I get it. Maybe some people think give it to her and let the mother feel bad about it (or show her you are the better person). She obviously lacks a conscience in the first place so why would any act of kindness register for her?

 

:iagree: We don't give gifts unless invited to a party. I certainly don't expect that from my friends either.

[Rebecca VA]

I'm going to stick up for the mom who told you the truth. I would have wanted to be told exactly what happened, even if it hurt my feelings. Knowing the truth is going to save you days, weeks, maybe years of second-guessing the situation. You now know that the birthday mom is not your friend. You can keep the gift card for your own daughter's use in good conscience.

 

At least you know that they wanted your daughter to attend. I know it's a very small consolation, since they didn't want you to come along too, but I'd rather have someone reject me than reject my child.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is so painful.

[Rebecca VA]

The message she had to tell wasn't pleasant, but she was honest, at least. And she said she was embarrassed by the birthday mom's behavior.

 

I don't know -- I would have wanted to know. Knowledge is power.

[Soror]

I'm going to stick up for the mom who told you the truth. I would have wanted to be told exactly what happened, even if it hurt my feelings. Knowing the truth is going to save you days, weeks, maybe years of second-guessing the situation. You now know that the birthday mom is not your friend. You can keep the gift card for your own daughter's use in good conscience.

 

At least you know that they wanted your daughter to attend. I know it's a very small consolation, since they didn't want you to come along too, but I'd rather have someone reject me than reject my child.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is so painful.

 

Seriously. I said the same thing earlier. If I found out a friend was there and some horrible person was saying such things about me and they didn't tell me then I would dump them. Not telling me would be going along with it. I'd rather have the truth.

[mirth]

The gift was bought with the idea it would be given at the party. No party= no gift. Sorry. It's not playing a game, it's standing up for the right not to be rolled over because you're not enough "whatever" for the mother.

 

And honestly, it's doubtful that anyone attending the AG party really grasps the ideals of AG in any sense. Resiliency. True friendship. Defocusing on looks. Would an extra n$10 in AG merchandise credit stem this torrent of ugliness? (American Girl Corporate sez: Yes, yes it would. Every $10 spent on AG stuff makes everyone a better person and protects the ozone layer!) If not, a prayer for them all would do much more, imho.

[Catwoman]

I'm going to stick up for the mom who told you the truth. I would have wanted to be told exactly what happened, even if it hurt my feelings. Knowing the truth is going to save you days, weeks, maybe years of second-guessing the situation. You now know that the birthday mom is not your friend. You can keep the gift card for your own daughter's use in good conscience.

 

Oh definitely. THAT is a real friend.

 

The message she had to tell wasn't pleasant, but she was honest, at least. And she said she was embarrassed by the birthday mom's behavior.

 

I don't know -- I would have wanted to know. Knowledge is power.

 

Seriously. I said the same thing earlier. If I found out a friend was there and some horrible person was saying such things about me and they didn't tell me then I would dump them. Not telling me would be going along with it. I'd rather have the truth.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Realistically, the other friend should have defended Lori to the other moms, not just remained quiet, but at least she told Lori the truth about what happened, and I'm sure that was very awkward for her. It's hard to tell a friend when someone says mean things about them, so I give her a lot of credit for that.

 

The saddest thing, though, is that this friend was too intimidated by the peer pressure (and Evil Coven Leader Mom) to speak up for Lori. :( I'm not going to condemn her for it, because she probably didn't want to start an argument in the middle of a kids' party, but I have to hope that she at least said a little something on Lori's behalf.

[FaithManor]

:iagree: We don't give gifts unless invited to a party. I certainly don't expect that from my friends either.

 

 

This is our philosophy too. We go to a large enough church and our circle of acquaintances is fairly good size so often we turn down invitations to such events in order to not break our household budget.

 

Now if I planned on attending and we did have a proper invite and if I had already purchased the gift, then we gladly give it at later date. However, in the OP's case, I would be really concerned about this creating either more drama or about making it difficult to make a break with this crowd. In this case, the card would absolutely NOT be given because a boundary needs to be established and that boundary is, our families are no longer going to see each other socially. We may bump into each other in the run of things, certainly we'll be cordial and polite because that is the way, kind, decent, civilized people behave, but personal friendship is OUT!

 

As for the comments of the second mother, all I can say is to repeat that to someone else just shows either a very, very strong lack of judgment, or more likely, a nature that is bent to catty-snark behavior. It's doubtful she lied since it would be so easy to verify through another source and of course, could lead to a confrontation. I've found that "mean girls" tend to deal with catty-snark in vagaries and such that can't be easily substantiated to make it harder to be caught in a lie. It's not impossible that she's telling a large whopper, but I think there is a greater chance she's telling the truth. She said she didn't attend the tea and that is of course verifiable. So, one would hope that she's not that big of a drama queen and just exercised ridiculously poor judgment. That said, a group that would run with that kind of comment and still hang out with "empress, the center of attention" is not a group I would want to spend time with and their offspring would not be the type that I'd want to hang out with my daughter.

 

OP, have you and your dd considered volunteering at your community library? I have a friend that did that when she was looking for appropriate friends for her two daughters. The librarian and staff were wonderful, loved the help, befriended them nicely, and without engaging in a lot of gossip just the occasional raised eyebrow or brief shake of the head signal, was able to steer her towards some lovely young girls...bright, charming, well-mannered, studious, fun-loving, and sweet. It worked out very, very well. In many communities, the librarians get to know children families if those kids have lived around there a long time. The added bonus is that volunteer work is rewarding and character shaping.

 

:grouphug: Faith

[In the Rain]

Lori, I'm so sorry this happened to you. :grouphug: Your avatar is beautiful, but that is irrelevant. I've never heard such a comment from a woman. It would leave me speechless. I'm amazed a woman like that has any friends at all. :glare:

[JennifersLost]

No invite = no gift. At this point, it doesn't make sense at all.

 

Time to help your daughter find her own interests and new friends! I would be advising her about the differences between acquaintances and friends. She only needs one or two real friends.

 

And if acquaintances act this poorly, you let your acquaintanceship slide.

 

Save your time, energy and gifts for your real friends.

 

Either return the gift card, exchange it or use it to by X-mas presents for your own daughter.

 

And gee - if you aren't considered beautiful, then I must be hideous. Just saying.

[Little Nyssa]

I'm sorry for what I posted above, before your update.

Btw I like Lands End too.:grouphug: