What would you do or feel if your child were left out of a birthday party?

[LoriK]

This mom is big into events and she always sends out invitations or uses the event invite on facebook. She is also one to always follow up and arrange all the details, such as transportation. This experience doesn't really fit with all the other party experiences I have had with her, if DD was truly invited. It does fit with a few playdate experiences, we have had. She will often talk about getting the girls together or having DD over when she has other kids over, and then will have a few of the other kids in the group over without DD. I never let that bother me, in the past, because I just figured something came up...nothing had been set in stone, so it wasn't like my daughter had then been excluded. My gut tells me she was left out. I could be wrong, but I tend to trust my instincts.

 

I knew her daughter's birthday is a week into the month, but truthfully, until I looked up the old post last night, I hadn't remembered that she had mentioned the actual date. As far as showing my daughter the pictures, I didn't mean to. I was sitting at my desk in the kitchen and opened my facebook and there was a picture of the group sitting at the tea party table at American Girl, with a caption Happy Birthday. I was talking to my DH at the time and I didn't even notice it. My daughter noticed it first and pointed it out to me.

 

I didn't show her all the other pictures she posted like swimming at the hotel, eating dinner last night, and hanging out in the hotel room.

She and the other moms posted quite a few pictures last night.

 

I am not so worried about how to deal with the Mom. I don't have a need to chase her down or give her an earfull or anything like that. After a good night's sleep, I can shrug it off. I am worried about my daughter though. We have moved a lot because of DH's job. She really wants roots and I think she always feels on the fringe when it comes to groups of kids. I don't know what it is like to always be the new girl. My parents lived in the same house for over 40 years and the kids in my neighborhood were like family to me. I know my DD craves that kind of circle of friends, so she is taking this really hard.

 

I just need to use wisdom in how I talk to her about it.

[elegantlion]

So it is definitely a strong possibility that the mom invited your dd but her own dd didn't. Nobody plans an overnight party at a hotel without confirming the guests.

 

.

 

:iagree: This is the part I have issue with. Wouldn't you double and triple check with the participants in a situation like this?

 

It's not like a party you give at home and bite your nails over those non-rsvp people at the last minute.

[Impish]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

If you really want her to be gracious (and again, I don't see why you would,) have your dd send her a birthday card. NO GIFT. A gift is not required if she wasn't invited to the party.

 

(And because the mom specifically asked you for your address so she could send the invitation, I wouldn't be feeling particularly friendly toward her right now, either. She really messed up in a big way, and she was incredibly inconsiderate of your dd's feelings. :glare:)

:iagree:

[catz]

Yep. The kid is a real jerk and I am just amazed the mom went along with it. If that were MY kid? I would tell him, "Look, I am sorry I invited that boy without asking you. But the fact is he is here now so get over it. He showed up, gave you a gift and you will get your butt out there and be a gracious host or you will NEVER have a party again!"

 

Several months later the boy tried to befriend my ds again and my ds said no thanks.

 

 

.

 

:iagree: That's what I would have done. I've had my son want to invite friend X and I've laid down the line that if you invite X, you must invite Y because they will certainly find out they're not included. Especially if Y had invited us to a party. This attitude that your special snowflake child gets to forgo manners and consideration just because it's their birthday is beyond my understanding. :glare:

 

If I were the OP, I would e-mail the mom and just say "Wow - I wasn't sure the party was still happening since we never heard back from you. My daughter is very disappointed. Hope Suzy enjoyed her birthday." And throw it back in her court. I would certainly say something.

[jujsky]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

:iagree: And to the idea that the invite was lost in the mail, I don't buy it -- not for a party like that. We were invited to one last year, and they're very particular on numbers. The mom was calling the few people who hadn't RSVP'd a week before the party to get a final headcount because the store was breathing down her neck about it. I wouldn't be surprised if the other mom uses that as an excuse if the OP's DD shows up with a gift in hand next time she sees her, but that will only be to ease her own discomfort over being a jerk, and won't be what really happened.

 

It's just mean to tell a mom you're inviting a kid, get the kid's hopes up, exclude her with no word or no explanation, and then post pictures on FB. Mean, mean, mean!

 

OP, would you have bought this child a present regardless of whether your DD was invited to her party? If so, would have spent the amount of money you spent this time around? If the answer to either of these questions is no, give the gift card to your DD and let her spend it, or take it from her and buy her some Christmas presents with it. She deserves it.

 

Edited to add: The quote I put up there was not the quote I meant to put up there. I meant to put up one of Cat's quotes! Can't figure out how to edit it.

Edited September 2, 2012 by jujsky

[elegantlion]

 

I just need to use wisdom in how I talk to her about it.

 

We've had situations like this in the past. It's hard not to just go with mean people suck and take them out for ice cream.

 

I really don't know what I would say, it's crushing to realize you're really not as good as friends as you thought with someone.

 

Depending on your dd I don't know that I'd have her spend the gift card on herself. I'm an over thinker and overly sensitive type (extreme as a child) and every time I'd play with something bought from a gift card that was supposed to go to the other girl I'd be reminded how excluded I was. I would also work to find new friends (I know that's not always easy).

[magic]

I would wonder if they sent an invite and you did not receive it. I know that has happened on both ends with us. If they had not heard back from you by a certain time, they may have figured that you had other plans and did not want to be pushy. I would chalk it up to miscommunication and the postal service. You can use AG gift cards online and they usually have great deals and/or free shipping in November and early December.

[ColoNative]

I am not so worried about how to deal with the Mom. I don't have a need to chase her down or give her an earfull or anything like that. After a good night's sleep, I can shrug it off. I am worried about my daughter though. We have moved a lot because of DH's job. She really wants roots and I think she always feels on the fringe when it comes to groups of kids. I don't know what it is like to always be the new girl. My parents lived in the same house for over 40 years and the kids in my neighborhood were like family to me. I know my DD craves that kind of circle of friends, so she is taking this really hard.

 

I just need to use wisdom in how I talk to her about it.

 

First, I applaud your desire to help your daughter. If it were my situation, here is what I would do: I would help my child see life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. And it's not an easy pill to swallow nor to teach, but it will better prepare her for days to come. Moving around can be hard, and it's hard to make friends when you do, but I maintain it's hard to make friends no matter what. Good friends who really care about your well-being and love you are truly a rare thing.

 

I remember how desperately I wanted to belong when I was her age and into teenage years. My parents treated me as a "victim" and felt sorry for me. It didn't help me one bit. What I wish they would have done was to help me focus on what I could do, and who I could help, and find friends who would really be friends. Instead, I was so focused on not having the right kind of friends, that I couldn't BE the right kind of friend. I've spent my life picking the wrong kinds of friends - the kind who don't really want to be friends...

 

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, so please do not misinterpret this post. I'm just saying that you need to believe in your dds ability to overcome - and not see her as a victim of "moving around". She will overcome, in some part, to the degree you really believe she's capable of coming out on the other side a better person and a better person for whoever is fortunate to have her as a friend.:001_smile:

 

Blessings to you!

[bettyandbob]

Depending on your dd I don't know that I'd have her spend the gift card on herself. I'm an over thinker and overly sensitive type (extreme as a child) and every time I'd play with something bought from a gift card that was supposed to go to the other girl I'd be reminded how excluded I was. I would also work to find new friends (I know that's not always easy).

 

 

If it were me, I'd be avoiding AG stuff for a while b/c I'd think of the party where I learned I didn't have friends. If dd is really into AG and this doesn't damper the obsession, then I'd let her have the card (or buy future Christmas presents). Otherwise, I'd use it to buy things for cousins and be forget about it.

 

In this situation I'd do special activity for her bd without a party as I said before.

 

Then, I'd start brain storming the friend / social activity need. Is there a particular interest you can encourage and your dd can immerse herself in? My dd is shy. We haven't moved, but she has changed school situations (private, homeschool, public) and that can affect social relationships. I think that's part of why we did so many extracurriculars. She eventually found something she liked that spends most of her time on. Because she spends most of her time on that thing she has a social group a little built in there. One thing we didn't do was sign up for something because we knew so and so was doing it too. We signed up because of a genuine interest--if the interest was still there after some intro period (8 week class or similar) then we followed up.

 

Our experience extracurriculars which are based on an interest or skill were better for developing friendships than something like homeschool co op or playground meet ups. I think this is so because the participants start with a common interest.

[SKL]

If I knew a party was coming up and I wasn't getting the invitation I'd been led to expect, I would have contacted the mom before the party and asked for clarification. To me, it's important to manage our young kids' expectations. I'd be OK with an explanation that the cost was more than expected and they had to cut back on the invite list and they are sooooo sorry. Or any other remotely reasonable excuse. That's really beside the point. It's the timing that sucked - you should have been able to tell your daughter in advance that things didn't work out and maybe next time.

 

And if there is a possibility the invite got lost in the mail, this might have prevented the whole problem.

[Tidbits of Learning]

This summer, the mother of one of my daughter's friends told me that they were planning to have an American Girl Party in September for their daughter. It is a big affair, complete with a night in a hotel in Los Angeles and a party at the LA American Girl Store. She told me what hotel they were planning to stay in and said that my daughter was invited. A few days after that, she messaged me on Facebook asking for our P.O. Box so that she could send my daughter an invitation.

 

The girl's birthday is next week, but the party was today. I found out the party was today, because the mom has been posting pictures on Facebook all day. We never got an invite. My daughter saw the pictures and knows that she was left out and she is very sad about it. She had been very excited about this party. We had even ordered a gift card from the American Girl website in a fairly large amount, to give the girl for her birthday.

 

My daughter is extremely sad about this. I don't think it is the fact that she missed the fun or even going to the American Girl store. I think it is that she was passed over. She said that she feels like the girl didn't think she was good enough to be invited. She is also upset because she said that she wanted her friend to spend her gift card while she was at the store and if she had known she wasn't invited, she would have given it to her this past week so that at least she could take it to the store. I asked her if she wants to take it to her next week or mail it to her. Her answer was a shrug and an, "I guess."

 

I know that parties are expensive. I know that you can only invite a certain number of kids. I understand having to make choices about who you invite, but I don't understand verbally inviting someone, asking for their address to send them an official invite and then not doing it. Had she not said we were going to get an invite, I wouldn't have thought twice about it when she posted the pictures.

 

I feel really bad for my daughter. I don't really know what to do about it. Everything I tried to say to her didn't really sooth her. Any words of wisdom on how to deal with this?

 

Are you sure the post office didn't lose your invite? It has been known to happen. It seems odd that the mom would go to all the trouble to tell you about the party and get an address and then snub your child. It would be much simpler to never mention the party to you.

I would honestly ask the mom what happened.

[Tap]

This mom is big into events and she always sends out invitations or uses the event invite on facebook. She is also one to always follow up and arrange all the details, such as transportation. This experience doesn't really fit with all the other party experiences I have had with her, if DD was truly invited. It does fit with a few playdate experiences, we have had. She will often talk about getting the girls together or having DD over when she has other kids over, and then will have a few of the other kids in the group over without DD. I never let that bother me, in the past, because I just figured something came up...nothing had been set in stone, so it wasn't like my daughter had then been excluded. My gut tells me she was left out. I could be wrong, but I tend to trust my instincts.

 

......

 

Some people are just like this....I no longer tell my kids if my mother says she is going to to something with them. She will rarely follow through and then I have kids stuck in the 'when is grandma coming over to do....." situation with my kids. If my mother tells my kids something without me knowing, I make sure to tell my kids that grandma has the best intentions and would really like to do xyz with them, but that they need to remember that she won't follow through. They were confused when the were little about it, but as they have gotten older, they now understand. I think it is just a life lesson that kids have to learn....not all adults follow through on what they say.

 

 

 

I doubt the invite was lost in the mail. I have planned hotel parties before and well, you don't just go with a paper invite hoping that people show up. She would have followed up with you. Even with teenagers, I talked to every parent, twice. Once making plans, and again the day before to confim drop off pick up, and answer questions.

 

I would guess that either she forgot that she had pre-invited you, or that her dd had different guests planned and she didn't know what to do, so she just didn't do anything at all. Some places, you can't just add guests for a fee. They only allow a certain amount of guests. Maybe the daughter had pre-invited people also so no matter what, someone was going to get hurt.

 

I wouldn't go after her over it, but if she mentions it, I would let her know that your daughter was very excited about the party and it really hurt your daughters feelings to be excluded after she was invited. She needs to know that by not calling to talk to you about the guest list change she didn't get out of the awkward conversation.

 

Sorry your dd was hurt in the process. That is hard for kds to get over. I would NOT give the gift card, no way, no how! I would let your dd order online if she wants to or sell the gift card. If you know others who like AG, but the gift card is a bit $$, you may be able to buy smaller gift cards with the larger one to give out at future parties.

 

 

If she doesn't want AG things, I would take dd out for a special day with one of her friends with the gift money to help foster a bond with another kid.

[LoriK]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

[clarkacademy]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

 

Are you kidding? I would freak. Those people are not your friends. Her daughter will grow up just like her run away from that toxic personality now!!

[Soror]

Wow, that is about the worst possible reason. That just blows my mind, what a jerk.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

OH. MY. WORD. That is the nastiest, most awful thing I think I've ever heard. I would NOT let that slide. She'd be getting an email from me about it. How disgusting. I am so, so sorry, mama. People can be really hateful.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Her daughter will grow up just like her run away from that toxic personality now!!

 

Yes, absolutely. Better to know now so you can avoid that cr@p like the plague that it is.

[Stacy in NJ]

It just doesn't sound like something a normal person would say. Even if she doesn't appreciate the way you dress or look, what person tells a group of women that at an event? Unless she's super indiscrete or b*tchy, a normal person wouldn't say that kind of thing in a group setting, especially if she's invited your dd to her home in the past. It's just super callous.

 

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

It just doesn't sound like something a normal person would say. Even if she doesn't appreciate the way you dress or look, what person tells a group of women that at an event? Unless she's super indiscrete or b*tchy, a normal person wouldn't say that kind of thing in a group setting, especially if she's invited your dd to her home in the past. It's just super callous.

 

I would really hope so, but what would possess this other mom to lie about it? That seems equally crazy.

 

ETA, I was never this kind of girl growing up, and I'm an introvert, so I never spent much time in the company of girls like this. But the older I get and the more involved I get with other moms, the more shocked I am at the things women do to each other and say about each other (and each other's kids). I really don't put anything past anyone anymore :(

Edited September 2, 2012 by Sweet Morning Air

[Stacy in NJ]

I would really hope so, but what would possess this other mom to lie about it? That seems equally crazy.

ETA, I was never this kind of girl growing up, and I'm an introvert, so I never spent much time in the company of girls like this. But the older I get and the more involved I get with other moms, the more shocked I am at the things women do to each other and say about each other (and each other's kids). I really don't put anything past anyone anymore :(

 

I can't imagine communicating that kind of information....."yeah, she didn't invite your dd because she thinks you're fat and sloppy..." who tells another mother that on the phone? But who would lie about it?

 

If this isn't some type of misunderstanding, then the OP has some psycho working against her on some level.

 

They don't sound like nice people.

[MooCow]

That's not cool. If the other mom told you about it and didn't invite your dd, that's just wrong. And posting about it on FB? Klassy:glare:.

 

What should you do? Your dd should still give her friend the gift. Teach her how to be gracious. I know she is hurting right now because she was not invited, but giving the gift to her friend anyway will teach her how to be the bigger person. Maybe you can make a date for the other girl and your dd to go to the American Girl store together. Most importantly, tell your dd that she is special, despite not getting invited to this party.

 

:grouphug: It stinks when we see our kids excluded.

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

Wow, wow, holy cow! Do you live near The Real Housewives of ***chy County?

 

Your dd is better off without people like that anyway.

[Trish]

Uh, would someone actually announce that at a gathering? Something's weird here. The other mom? The "friend" who shared the charming tidbit? Either way you dodged a bullet -- dd should not socialize with these people.

[elegantlion]

Uh, would someone actually announce that at a gathering? Something's weird here. The other mom? The "friend" who shared the charming tidbit? Either way you dodged a bullet -- dd should not socialize with these people.

 

Well I can see a catty remark made as an aside like. "Oh, I'm so glad xx couldn't come. Can you imagine the pictures." Yup it sounds horrid, but I can imagine it being said in the giddiness of the event.

Edited September 2, 2012 by elegantlion

[catz]

Uh, would someone actually announce that at a gathering? Something's weird here. The other mom? The "friend" who shared the charming tidbit? Either way you dodged a bullet -- dd should not socialize with these people.

 

Ok - I'm imagining being the mom hearing the reason you weren't invited come out of hosting mom's mouth at a party, I cannot imagine reporting that to the person that was being talked about? I would personally distance myself from someone who talks like that. Especially if she was talking about it in front of the other kids?

 

That is just horrible. I think I'd definitely be looking for alternatives to this group! :grouphug: And FTR, I'm a lands end kind of mom too! Yay for practically when you're with kids all day!

[kiana]

Wow, I'm glad I read all the way through before responding.

 

Because my new answer is that you should take that gift card and cram it right up her skinny, well-dressed bum.

[merry gardens]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

:eek::ack2::thumbdown:!!!

 

Even IF she said that it is NOT your fault!!!

 

Then, I'd take the AG gift certificate you purchased and bring your daughter to a special tea at the AG restaurant with just the two of you. You both deserve something nice. (Posting your pictures of your special day together on facebook optional.)

[Forget-Me-Not]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

Oh mama :grouphug: my heart breaks for you. That must have stung a lot. These people are not your friends.

[kwg]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

Change that in your head to " it turns out it was a really good thing she was not invited." Because that is just......there are no words.

 

Like others, I wonder what the motivation of the mom that called you. Did you get a sense of that?

 

:grouphug:

[Georgiana Daniels]

At least you know the truth about these people so you can steer clear. Think of it as dodging future bullets. Sadly, I can believe there really are people this mean.

[Dobela]

Ok - I'm imagining being the mom hearing the reason you weren't invited come out of hosting mom's mouth at a party, I cannot imagine reporting that to the person that was being talked about? I would personally distance myself from someone who talks like that. Especially if she was talking about it in front of the other kids?

 

That is just horrible. I think I'd definitely be looking for alternatives to this group! :grouphug: And FTR, I'm a lands end kind of mom too! Yay for practically when you're with kids all day!

If the mom that was being talked about was someone I knew and respected, I would definately let her know what was being said. Then, after that, I would definately distance myself from the entire group. And, yeah, when I was a working mom, I met more than my fair share of those moms who would chose to invite or not based on clothes and weight. My mom is almost one of those herself, except she calls it 'setting standards'.

[catz]

If the mom that was being talked about was someone I knew and respected, I would definately let her know what was being said. Then, after that, I would definately distance myself from the entire group. And, yeah, when I was a working mom, I met more than my fair share of those moms who would chose to invite or not based on clothes and weight. My mom is almost one of those herself, except she calls it 'setting standards'.

 

I guess it depends quite a bit on how it was reported and the relationship of the OP and the reporter. If the reporter was the town gossip, I'm not sure I'd invest too much energy in her. If she seemed appalled and apologetic about the situation, that would be another thing. I'm just astounded, truly. Ick.

[mirth]

ETA, I was never this kind of girl growing up, and I'm an introvert, so I never spent much time in the company of girls like this. But the older I get and the more involved I get with other moms, the more shocked I am at the things women do to each other and say about each other (and each other's kids). I really don't put anything past anyone anymore :(

 

LoriK, your avatar pic looks perfectly beautiful to me. So be glad, be very glad, to have avoided all her insane drama and tea party photos. Run away, exchange the gift card, be thankful, and don't look back.

[Rebel Yell]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

:grouphug: How horrible. Why not ask that mom out for coffee/ The kind of mom who would stand up to the horrid hostess sounds like a nice friend to have.

 

:grouphug:

[jujsky]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

What a b%*!!!!!!!! I agree with another poster -- tell her to cram it up her skinny, well-dressed butt!

[Bang!Zoom!]

I read this thread last night and was sorta mulling it over...but today...

 

jaw.on.the.floor

 

Wow.

[TranquilMind]

I would tell your dd to keep the gift card and buy something for herself with it.

 

Why would you encourage your dd to give a gift to a kid who purposely excluded her from a birthday party that she knew your dd was very excited about attending? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't buy into the whole "be the bigger person" thing. How are you being a bigger person by rewarding a person who intentionally hurt your feelings? Why should Lori's dd be gracious when the other child was not?

 

 

 

 

I think I disagree here. I'm sure Lori wants her daughter to be a different kind of human being than the girl who may have intentionally excluded her (we don't know until Mom confirms it- I would HAVE to inquire).

 

So...do the hard thing. I'd tell my daughter to give her the gift, even if it hurt, even if she were excluded. I have done this very thing myself...been excluded and done the bigger thing anyway. I've never been sorry. I HAVE been sorry when I exchanged childish tit for tat, every time. The only one who ends up feeling bad is me when I do that. The other person doesn't even know that I had a gift and then decided to withhold it to teach her a lesson.

[SKL]

It just doesn't sound like something a normal person would say. Even if she doesn't appreciate the way you dress or look, what person tells a group of women that at an event? Unless she's super indiscrete or b*tchy, a normal person wouldn't say that kind of thing in a group setting, especially if she's invited your dd to her home in the past. It's just super callous.

 

This is my reaction as well.

 

But either way, honestly, I am getting the feeling that that "crowd" is not the kind of crowd I wan't my child hanging with. Yuck. Blech.

[TranquilMind]

Dobela: If the mom that was being talked about was someone I knew and respected, I would definately let her know what was being said. Then, after that, I would definately distance myself from the entire group.

Yes, I agree with this.

 

 

And, yeah, when I was a working mom, I met more than my fair share of those moms who would chose to invite or not based on clothes and weight. My mom is almost one of those herself, except she calls it 'setting standards'.

 

 

Really? I can't imagine this. I like to invite people who actually LIKE me, regardless of how they dress or look. Wow. You think when you've lived long enough, you've heard it all.....and then you see you haven't.

[learningmama]

:eek: Wow...people are awful. My dd would love to be friends with your dd! If you're ever inFlorida....

[Saille]

Turns out it is my fault. I got a call from one of the moms that attended the tea and didn't stay overnight at the hotel. She said the mom told all the moms that she wanted my daughter to come but she was afraid I would want to come with the other moms to the tea. She said I don't dress nice enough and since I am overweight, the pictures wouldn't look good.

 

I am not a slob or anything, I am just more of a Land's End girl and she and her circle of friends are much more trendy.

 

The mom felt really bad about it and wanted me to know that she didn't take part.

 

I think I will just tell DD that the mom doesn't like me. I don't think I want to go into the weight thing with DD.

 

Honey, NOBODY in your family needs contact with those jerks. You come on over here and we'll have coffee.

 

That's the shallowest, most Queen Bee, nonsensical...Don't. Listen. Just don't. You know better. It's NOT your fault, It's that horrible mom's. There's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Maude knows how horrible it would have been for both of you if you'd gone and had to spend a night with people who act and think that way. Don't you worry. you and your daughter are going to find nice people to hang out with. IME, the people you first make friends with after you move often pass out of your life, and someone you'd previously overlooked ends up being a real treasure.

 

I'd not send your daughter over there anymore. If they'll do it to you, they'll do it to her, and anyone else who's low on the totem pole that week. Don't let them model bad behavior to your dd.

 

Don't give the kid the gift card. I know, it's not the kid's fault the mom is awful, but she's clearly privileged half to death, and at this point it's the equivalent of rolling over for an alpha wolf. Just don't do it.

[Saille]

LoriK, your avatar pic looks perfectly beautiful to me. So be glad, be very glad, to have avoided all her insane drama and tea party photos. Run away, exchange the gift card, be thankful, and don't look back.

 

AGREED. Right on, mirth!

[TranquilMind]

OH. MY. WORD. That is the nastiest, most awful thing I think I've ever heard. I would NOT let that slide. She'd be getting an email from me about it. How disgusting. I am so, so sorry, mama. People can be really hateful.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Yeah, I'd need to call her on that one, straight up. Politely, but she absolutely needs to know that who you really are gets around.

[LizzyBee]

Given that the other family behaved completely like they were going to invite her up to and including getting your address, I would assume the invite was lost in the mail and comfort my child and talk about how things sometimes just suck for no good reason. :(

 

:iagree: I would send the mom an apology for missing the party and say that I didn't realize it was this weekend because the invitation didn't arrive, then suggest that the girls have a playdate to celebrate the other dd's birthday and open her gift from my dd.

 

ETA: I read the update and I am just speechless. I would probably be passive aggressive and still send the "apology" and mention loud and clear that the invitation never arrived, but I wouldn't suggest a playdate!

Edited September 2, 2012 by LizzyBee

[SKL]

Don't give the kid the gift card. I know, it's not the kid's fault the mom is awful, but she's clearly privileged half to death . . . .

 

I was thinking this too, even before I heard about the b****y remark.

 

I also don't think you should give it to your daughter, because that's making more of this event than it deserves. Also encouraging a victim mentality.

 

If your daughter likes AG dolls, I'd save the gift card and use it for Christmas / birthday presents for her later on. If she doesn't care for AG dolls, I'd sell or donate the card.

[TranquilMind]

Saille: Honey, NOBODY in your family needs contact with those jerks. You come on over here and we'll have coffee.

 

 

Can I come too? I'd love to have coffee with both of you- and anyone else who wants to come!

 

That's the shallowest, most Queen Bee, nonsensical...Don't. Listen. Just don't. You know better. It's NOT your fault, It's that horrible mom's. There's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

 

Yes, it is almost Hollywood-movie unbelievable, isn't it?

 

 

Maude knows how horrible it would have been for both of you if you'd gone and had to spend a night with people who act and think that way. Don't you worry. you and your daughter are going to find nice people to hang out with. IME, the people you first make friends with after you move often pass out of your life, and someone you'd previously overlooked ends up being a real treasure.

 

Hope this is true!

 

I'd not send your daughter over there anymore. If they'll do it to you, they'll do it to her, and anyone else who's low on the totem pole that week. Don't let them model bad behavior to your dd.

 

 

I agree that this relationship is severed.

 

Don't give the kid the gift card. I know, it's not the kid's fault the mom is awful, but she's clearly privileged half to death, and at this point it's the equivalent of rolling over for an alpha wolf. Just don't do it.

 

 

See, I think it is BEING the alpha wolf to give her the card now and walk away with dignity.

[pdalley]

I would really hope so, but what would possess this other mom to lie about it? That seems equally crazy.

 

ETA, I was never this kind of girl growing up, and I'm an introvert, so I never spent much time in the company of girls like this. But the older I get and the more involved I get with other moms, the more shocked I am at the things women do to each other and say about each other (and each other's kids). I really don't put anything past anyone anymore :(

 

 

 

:iagree:

It amazes me how catty some women are. Even after all of these years. I would NEVER treat anyone in such a way. I only extend myself to people who actually like me and not the way I look.

 

OP :grouphug: I get left out of stuff for the same reasons. It is NOT your fault. Some women just never really mentally graduate from high school. We quit attending church and are looking for another one because it's clique city.

[merry gardens]

Honey, NOBODY in your family needs contact with those jerks. You come on over here and we'll have coffee.

 

That's the shallowest, most Queen Bee, nonsensical...

On behalf of Queen Bees everywhere and especialy here at the hive, please don't compare rude behavior to a Queen Bee's.

[Paige]

I'm not sure I would believe anything anyone said anymore. It sounds like the hostess has issues. The friend who called and told you has issues. There was no good to come from repeating that information. If she were truly appalled, she should have distanced herself from the group and kept her mouth shut or spoken up in the moment and then kept her mouth shut to you. Telling you serves no purpose other than to hurt you and make the other ladies look even worse. The whole crew would be on my do not contact again list.

 

As for the girls....that's different. It sounds like your DDs friend was not at fault. If they have been close, I would leave it up to your DD what to do. It must be horrible for the hostess's DD if she is a nice kid and is subject to her mother and her friends' snobbery. How old is your DD? I would encourage my kids to end the friendship because we don't invite crazy into our lives, but that if they really want to save it, they could confront the girl (nicely) and tell her they were hurt and ask for an explanation. If the little girl feels awful about how things went, then maybe the friendship could be salvaged a little. If it were me, I'd hope that the friendship would end, but the girls may feel differently.

[mommaduck]

:eek::ack2::thumbdown:!!!

 

Even IF she said that it is NOT your fault!!!

 

Then, I'd take the AG gift certificate you purchased and bring your daughter to a special tea at the AG restaurant with just the two of you. You both deserve something nice. (Posting your pictures of your special day together on facebook optional.)

:iagree: My jaw about hit the floor. No, my daughter would not be allowed to be around that family at all. And dump that woman from you FB list.