WWYD: Responsibility dilemma with dd10

[Jean in Newcastle]

This WWYD is partly dependent on you putting yourself in my financial shoes. Oh, and parenting shoes.;)

 

Financial background: Dh works two jobs. We have enough to have good food on the table and some treats. We pay out a lot in medical bills. We live in a high COL area. So while we have "enough" money, we don't have money to burn. (Which I suspect covers a lot of other people too but might put us in the envy category for some.)

 

DD10 background: Dd has a bit of an entitlement thing going on. Probably not too much more than most kids but nothing is ever "enough" for her. I've had trouble before with her telling me she has "no clothes", buying her more and finding out that she had a drawer full of clothes that fit just fine but she didn't like. She also has some sensory things going on that contribute to whether she likes clothes. We've also had a struggle getting her to take care of her things.

 

My background: I have not always been the most involved parent with dd because of chronic illness levels. The reason she was able to get away in the past with tricking me on needing more clothes was because I was in too much pain to go into her room and bend over to look in her drawers. That is getting better and I'm much more hands on. It also means that I'm able to work harder to stem some of the drains on our finances so that hopefully we can get into a healthier place.

 

The recent situation: Dd10 and I spent a couple of days going through all her clothing (at least so I thought). I explained that we didn't have money to waste but I wanted to buy her needed clothes that she liked. We made a list - 4 lightweight shirts, 4 pairs of pants, 1 jacket, underwear, a dress or skirt, and a leotard and gym shorts. We cannot afford to have her in gymnastics anymore and took her out a couple of years ago but she works hard on improving on her own. Honestly, she probably really doesn't need a leo (she does round-offs and handsprings no matter what she has on!) but she likes them and I'm willing to buy her one so that she has it.

 

We went to Goodwill and I was able to find her favorite brand (Justice) shirts, dress, and jacket. Score! We couldn't find any pants because of her sensory issues (jeans are out - she'll only wear knit pants and knit pants usually don't make it as far as the thrift stores). I took her to the mall yesterday. We looked at target, Sears and Penney's first for the pants but couldn't find any that fit because she also has a size issues (she's 10 1/2 years old and wears size 8 pants but not just any size 8 because her hips are a bit bigger). I finally took her to Justice and we found pants that fit for 3 times the price of the entire receipt at Goodwill! Then I took her to the Pro shop at the gym she used to go to and bought her gym shorts (goes over the leo for a bit more modesty) and a leotard. The leo cost $40.

 

I was just going through laundry and found two usable leos in the laundry that still fit just fine. I feel cheated on having spent so much money on a leo when she didn't really need one. $40 is a fair chunk of change for me for a piece of clothing.

 

Would you:

 

1. Let it go.

 

2. Require her to do a few chores to "repay" me. (It won't really but it might teach her some responsibility)

 

The leo is non-returnable and we knew that at time of purchase.

[Whereneverever]

If it is a pattern #2. That would really irk me.

[amy g.]

She may be too young for this, but I'd try giving her $100 for a certain # of months and letting her buy what she wants where she wants, but when it is gone, it is gone.

 

This works great with my son, and I no longer resent how much I spend on him, and he suddenly looks for the very best deals.

[Impish]

#2

[ThisIsTheDay]

If it is a pattern #2. That would really irk me.

 

:iagree: For the next month or so, I would also tell her "no" to any special requests she makes, telling her that we don't have the money. She should get that it's because you spent it unnecessarily on clothing for her, although I would definitely not come out and SAY that.

[Slipper]

My girls love Justice as well. :) Depending on how frequently you are out running errands, their prices are not too terrible if you can catch their clearance sales. They almost always have 40% off their merchandise (some stores require the coupon, but some don't - if you are on their mailing list you will get one with a catalog). When they mark things down, I have purchased shirts for about $5 apiece (I'm sure it's more than what you can find at goodwill, but all things considered, it's not a huge amount for a few special things).

 

I try to stay on top of the girls clothing and figure out what they need before they decide they need it. Then I can find it on sale. (Granted, this probably won't work when they become teenagers but your dd is about the same age as mine).

 

Our girls hang up just about everything so I can keep an eye on it (otherwise I get the "nothing to wear" excuse as well).

 

To answer your original question, yes, I would make her re-pay for the leotards. I also think before your next trip, she should bring all of her clothes to you in a huge stack so you can see what she currently has available.

 

Also, if you know someone who wears clothes your dd likes and is a size ahead of her, you may want to ask her if you can have (or buy) the clothes when her dd outgrows them. I have done this before and traded carpooling from school and making a few meals for outfits. Everyone was happy. (That doesn't help the entitlement but it can provide outfits that she will need and be happy with).

 

Don't be afraid to stand her up on the "nothing to wear" complaint. We went through that with my daughter and she literally wore the same thing for a couple of months until we could afford to buy more.

[fairfarmhand]

I think I may do #2.

 

I would not approach it as a punishment, per se, but I would tell her that money in our family is finite. When we pay money for items that are not truly needed, there is less money around to do other fun things.

 

Instead of number 2, I may leave her out of other fun things (field trips, going out to dinner, bringing home junk food treats, etc. until it totals up to $40.)

 

I have a kid just like yours. She will take advantage of the fact that laundry is dirty, or I am not aware of clothing items just to get more stuff. It's really annoying because she has no idea how tight money is. She's more concerned about herself.

[Jan in SC]

What was her reasoning for the new leotard?

[kalanamak]

My guy doesn't know what clothes he has. He knows his favorite shirt and that is it. I would assign a duty of inventorying clothes (list, hash marks), which he would HATE doing.

 

If it were your 15 year old --chores for payback, definitely.

[goldberry]

My DD at 13 would still not be able to reasonably tell me what she "needs" for clothes. I go through her clothes with her and see if things still fit, are still usable, and are not utterly hated.

 

I would not trust her to just tell me what she needs, not because she would purposely mislead me but because she is so disorganized and also doesn't see things clearly. If it's summer, she will think she needs a new pair of shorts. She will not try on the shorts and then count how many pairs.

 

So, I would certainly wonder at 10 if this was a development/maturity issue rather than an entitlement/ingratitude issue.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'd let it go as I would consider it my responsibility to have had the child show me the fit and wear on the current leo before purchasing a new one.

 

What I do for my clothes horse is have him show me what he thinks he is growing out of and discuss fit. We set aside the clothes that don't fit and then discuss the pieces he would need to add to the wardrobe to maximize the number of outfit combos. We then set the budget.

 

The thing is, I did have her get out what she said was her current leo and needed to be replaced. She conveniently didn't tell me that she had two other current leos that actually fit in the wash (I thought they were already out-grown). I was remiss in that I didn't wash/dry and bring the load that was downstairs up to add to the inventory. I figured that the few shirts etc. that were in there was all and had mentally added them to the inventory.

 

I think it is a slightly bigger deal to me because it is a leotard - which I would categorize as a want, not a need. It is a specialized piece of clothing so isn't something we can find for cheaper. I want to provide it as a want and am happy doing that but I guess it's sort of like giving a scoop of ice cream for a treat and finding out that she already had two scoops prior.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle

[Jean in Newcastle]

What was her reasoning for the new leotard?

 

Simply put - she wanted it.

[Momofeat]

Option #2.

 

It sounds like she knew very well that she was keeping important information from you. If she had honestly forgotten, I might feel differently.

[fairfarmhand]

The thing is, I did have her get out what she said was her current leo and needed to be replaced. She conveniently didn't tell me that she had two other current leos that actually fit in the wash (I thought they were already out-grown). I was remiss in that I didn't wash/dry and bring the load that was downstairs up to add to the inventory. I figured that the few shirts etc. that were in there was all and had mentally added them to the inventory.

 

Yes, I do think that this mean consequences. I'd press the point that not mentioning the specific information is the same as lying. One may not verbalize a lie but can still live a lie.

 

One thing that does help my kid see things from a different perspective are stories. (kinda like the David/Nathan story in the Old Testament) I have made up stories featuring the same type of behavior. My kid can spot the bad behavior in a story character and comes down really hard on them.

 

For instance, I would represent this situation as me asking my dh for some cash (we only use cash for food) for groceries. I would tell him that "Dear, we are completely out of apples in the fridge and the kids like apples for snacks." This would be true, except that I have apples ready to pick in the orchard. I prefer red apples to green ones though, and would rather buy some reds than eat my second choice, green apples that are on the tree.

 

I'd ask my daughter "Is that honest?" "I told the truth. There are no red apples in the fridge." Then I would have her explain how it is dishonest to represent the facts that way.

 

You may want to make up a story that would speak to her personally, but that is one way that I would handle it. I am sure that repaying the $40 is less important to you than getting a handle on deception, manipulativeness and self-centeredness.

[MicheleinMN]

Simply put - she wanted it.

 

I would get rid of the other two leotards (so that she doesn't have 3 of them), and at 15 SHE would be required to buy the next one.

 

HTH

[fairfarmhand]

I would put her in charge of her own laundry though..at 10 that is appropriate after sufficient training.

:iagree:

[prairiewindmomma]

I think it depends on the 10 yo. My current 10yo.....if he can't see it, it doesn't exist. It's not an excuse, but it's reality.

 

I would make her do some extra chores to work off the leotard....all of the stuff you can't do because of health issues (polishing kitchen cabinets, wiping trimboards in the house, cleaning off the ceiling fans, scrubbing bathroom tile, whatever.) Pay her $5 an hour (or $2.50/half hour if she developmentally can't work that hard consistently for an hour.)

 

In the future, before clothes shopping, I would make her be completely caught up on laundry and haul everything out to you in the living room while you help her evaluate from the couch.

 

(I have a 10 yo and am currently on bedrest & managing life from the couch--I get it. :grouphug:)

[justasque]

I think that, at her age, she is old enough to help with the clothes inventory, but not old enough to keep a super-accurate tally, especially when you factor in stuff that's in the laundry. Different kids will be different, of course, but you bought a new, non-returnable leo without going through both what was in her room and what was in the laundry. ($40 for a non-returnable?!)

 

If the circumstances of your illness means that she is going to need to take on more of the clothes responsibility, then I think it's time for a clothing allowance. You might be surprised at how well she handles it when it's "her" money she's spending. She may begin to be more critical as to whether a certain garment is going to work for her. I'd also step up your in-store modeling of the selection process - what do you have to go with this? Where will you wear it? How much of the season for it is left? How long will it fit you? Is this worth being a "big dollar" item or is it something we can get second hand? What is is made of? Will that be soft enough for you? How does it fit? Anything too scratchy?

 

She also needs to know how much money is available, and when more money will kick in. For her, she may just see it that sometimes you're willing to buy stuff and sometimes not, and so she may be agreeing to buy stuff because she doesn't know when to expect that to be a possibility again, if you see what I mean. She may have no sense of budget or seasons; it's kind of random from that perspective. A clothing allowance can really give her the tools to make better decisions about what to buy and what not to.

 

Putting together a wardrobe on a budget is a skill, that takes years of practice and involves some mistakes, sometimes costly ones. We none of us are perfect at it.

 

My DD at 13 would still not be able to reasonably tell me what she "needs" for clothes. I go through her clothes with her and see if things still fit, are still usable, and are not utterly hated.

 

I would not trust her to just tell me what she needs, not because she would purposely mislead me but because she is so disorganized and also doesn't see things clearly. If it's summer, she will think she needs a new pair of shorts. She will not try on the shorts and then count how many pairs.

 

So, I would certainly wonder at 10 if this was a development/maturity issue rather than an entitlement/ingratitude issue.

 

:iagree: I think this poster nailed it.

 

That doesn't mean you have to let it go; I would talk about it together. Perhaps you can sell her old leos on eBay; if they are the $40-type brands they will probably bring in a bit towards the new one. And next time, you might want to shop eBay first.

 

Also, Justice stuff is pretty trendy. It's not really everyday wear. If your wardrobe is relatively small, you want basics, with a few trendy accessories. What looked fabulous for once-in-a-while wear gets tired really quickly. You will need to teach her the difference between trendy and stylish, and when to buy each.

[jewellsmommy]

I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I have a 10 yr old girl who doesn't like jeans or stiff material and is thinner (but with a toosh) and so fit is weird. Leggings/knit pants wear out much faster and can be hard to find in the right size :glare:.

 

My dd is not into that girls/stylish clothes type place yet, but certainly has a 'want' issue. We just had this conversation last night! I used tghe exact type of phrase, telling her that "it is never enough..." and the problem is that she needs to learn to 'want' less or she will end up being someone who is never happy.

 

Anyway, I would explain to her how that money was essentially wasted and could have been used to buy something that she didn't already have.

Then I would proceed with option #2 or I would wait until she asked for the next thing and I would tell her that I would have said yes, except that money went to a leo she didn't need and she had made a bad choice.

 

Either way, I would NOT just let it slide.

[maddykate]

Are you not able to just return the leotard? I would think that if it hasn't been worn yet, you could still take it back.

 

If you can't return it, I would definitely make her aware that she took advantage of a situation and that she will have to work to repay for that item, with chores or something that you deem appropriate.

[fairfarmhand]

I just remembered there is an Andy Griffith where the little boy is dishonest without actually telling a lie. It's called Opie's Rival.

[bettyandbob]

With my dd once a year we sort of take inventory. We do this in part because her room is a mess and we need to do serious reorganization and declutter. Keeping the room clean is not a forte of hers. It gets messy enough that she sometimes loses clothes in there.

 

Anyway all the clothes get washed and sorted and then she shows me what doesn't fit or is otherwise unwearable. Then we decide together what she needs. Occassionally, she will mention she doesn't have X. If I know I've purchased X in the last couple of years and X hasn't come through my donate box then she needs to produce it, before I will buy new.

 

I think your dd needs to pay you back or you could say you will hold it until birthday/Christmas and it will count as one of her presents whether or not it fits then. Okay, that doesn't sound good so go with the pay back option.

[AK_Mom4]

This is a tough call. My DD11 doesn't know what clothes she has or doesn't have. She wears what's clean. But she does outgrow things quickly so I have to cull out the old clothes periodically for donation.

 

Here's what I would do:

1 - teach her to do her own laundry.

2 - no shopping trips for clothes for several months - 6 maybe?

 

That's just to cut off the entitlement and the "nothing to wear" complaints.

 

Going forward, what worked for DD18 at that age was to write down a clothes budget and make her stick to it. 10 is a bit young to find all the sales, so you will probably have to help her with that.

[KidsHappen]

I have this exact same situation with one of my dd. The way that I was able to curb it some was: The first thing we did wass collect all of their clothes and wash them. Then dump them on the bedroom floor with baskets for pants/jeans, skirts/dresses, camis/tanks, shirts, sweater or cardigans, bras/panties and shoes. They then went through the piles and put what they want to keep in the basket and then gave me what they didn't want to put in the Goodwill bag. That way I would know what I was actually working with. No sense having a closet full of clothes that they aren't actually going to wear. I always let sibling and then friends have first dibs on them but then if they are in really go condition you to take the to a consignment shop or a Plato's Closet and get a little money back. Otherwise, haul them off to Goodwill or some ohter charity that you might know needs of of the item

 

The second was to have her make a list of all of the items that she thought she needed and then put them in priority order. I then explained to her how much money I had to spend on her clothes and that if I spent money on the lower priority items then I would not have enough left to get her higher priority items. So now we start at the top of the list and get as much as we can with the money we have. Everything else goes on "the list" these are items that people need or mostly want that we can buy when we have a little extra on a payday or any other time we come up with a little extra money.

 

It is really hard for my child to understand this because she was pretty much raised that way. We could afford most requests that they asked for. But my hubby's salary has not increased in 13 years and the cost of everything else has. Our money simply doesn't go as far as it used to and it is a hard adjustment for them to make. And that's just in normal circumstances. If the college bills don't kill me the medical bills will.

[MindyD]

I must be stricter than most because I'd sell the new leotard on ebay or call up my old gym and see if they could sell it. Manipulation is a big deal to me. If it was an "oops, I forgot I had those" then it might be different. It sounds like she knew she didn't need the leotard and manipulated the situation to get what she wants. That is simply NOT okay with me. I also don't have a problem being very clear with the kids that we don't have money to do certain things or buy certain things, and that's okay. We don't have to have all the things we want in life.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you, everyone

 

Just a general response to the posts so far.

 

In the future I will:

 

Make sure all the laundry is done before inventory.

 

Start to work towards having her be responsible for spending a clothing allowance. (I think this will be a multi-step process for this particular child).

 

She does do her own laundry but we just started doing that and there was still a mix of what was in her laundry basket and what was in the family one.

 

As to what to do -

 

I'll sit down and talk to her and find out more about her attitude towards all of this. If it really seems like an "out of sight out, out of mind" thing then I will let it go. If it seems like a lying/tricking issue then I will require a couple of chores from her. We haven't talked too much yet because I admit that I yelled a bit and her response was to go running out of the room and slam her door. As I mentioned somewhere up-thread, I think my reaction was stronger simply because it was a spendy leotard and not pajamas or a shirt or something of that nature.

[Trilliums]

I'd be inclined to let it go.

 

But, I would talk about the importance of trust in the family. This is VERY important to me. I would be willing to accept from her that she just wasn't thinking though. She is 10--in her mind New Clothes(!!) was probably her foremost thought.

 

Do you think the extra chores would improve the situation? When I think of consequences for the kids, I try to consider this. Will the consequence/punishment be likely to help...or is it more that I just feel that they "should " be punished? Too often punishments only brew anger in the child and can even oddly be used by kids to justify their misdeeds. I see this in my niece all the time. :(

[elegantlion]

Simply put - she wanted it.

 

If it was intentional omission, I would require her to consign the other leotards and you get the money. If you have a shop or can list them somewhere, assist her, but make her do the talking and legwork.

 

Show her how hard it can be to make a few dollars off of used clothing.

 

Clothing hasn't been the issue here, but games and such. We don't have the money to support ds's desire. He has become quite efficient at eeking out a few dollars here and there from old games. It has shown him the real value of a used item, which in turns helps him appreciate how overprices some new items are.

 

Another issue I'd consider. I noticed you mentioned your son selling on e-bay. Is she jealous that he has a way to create some income? Maybe you could turn her love of clothes into a small money making stream. I had no idea of girl fashion these days, but could she repurpose used clothes and sell them or find deals at Goodwill and list them on e-bay?

[jewellsmommy]

I must be stricter than most because I'd sell the new leotard on ebay or call up my old gym and see if they could sell it. Manipulation is a big deal to me. If it was an "oops, I forgot I had those" then it might be different. It sounds like she knew she didn't need the leotard and manipulated the situation to get what she wants. That is simply NOT okay with me. I also don't have a problem being very clear with the kids that we don't have money to do certain things or buy certain things, and that's okay. We don't have to have all the things we want in life.

 

 

Yes! This is a big deal to me too.

 

Just because there is a newer version available does not mean we need it.

 

Just because we could be in a position to buy something, does not mean we need to.

 

Wanting it is not always a sufficient enough reason to buy something.

 

We would go broke 10 times over and would still be 'wanting' if we disregarded the above statements. The answer truly is to 'want' less and learn how to be satisfied with what we have. Not saying that we can't buy things, just that we have to be careful with our attitudes and expectations.

[jewellsmommy]

I'd be inclined to let it go.

 

But, I would talk about the importance of trust in the family. This is VERY important to me. I would be willing to accept from her that she just wasn't thinking though. She is 10--in her mind New Clothes(!!) was probably her foremost thought.

 

Do you think the extra chores would improve the situation? When I think of consequences for the kids, I try to consider this. Will the consequence/punishment be likely to help...or is it more that I just feel that they "should " be punished? Too often punishments only brew anger in the child and can even oddly be used by kids to justify their misdeeds. I see this in my niece all the time. :(

 

 

Not saying that this is a problem in your niece, but in general I would be very concerned if I felt that a child was unable to take correction or punishment for what it is. Of course they don't like it. They are mad at the moment, but I expect that relatively well adjusted children over the age of 5 come to understand that correction done appropriately is 1. a part of life and doesn't end with childhood, 2. Is for their own good and development, and 3. done because mommy and daddy loves them.

 

A child that is unable to grasp these things will have major trouble with authority as they age. It is our job as parents to train children to accept correction and punishment appropriately.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sigh. We had our talk. She knew the other leos fit. But they were not "new" anymore and the thrill had gone. She wanted a new leo and to her, wanting it means that she needs it. She is selling two of the leos. She will be allowed to keep 3 because that is how many I thought we would have anyway. Her attitude toward me is hostile right now. I was going to take her to a special movie tomorrow - the first movie in a theater that we've ever gone to see but now I'm not so sure. I'm not angry with her - just a bit disappointed. As a PP said, this really isn't about clothes but about her character.

[SKL]

She's 10.5 so it could go either way, depending on her maturity level.

 

I would probably handle it this way. The next time we talk about buying clothes (which would not be happening any time soon), we will set aside time to go through ALL of her clothes (after laundry is done etc.). She would try on stuff and decide which clothes can be sold, which should be donated, and which can be worn. I would buy her what she "needs" (in MY opinion) and she could sell her old clothes to buy what she "wants." She could ask for the really expensive stuff for Christmas / birthday (instead of something else) if it's that important to her.

 

Another idea is to tell her, as a result of the apparent deceit, "guess what, this leotard is your birthday present." (Or whatever is coming up soon that would involve gifts.)

 

Have you tried shopping online? I do most of my kids' clothes shopping online, and the majority of clothes I've bought this year have been from eBay. I've also bought stuff from JCPenney and other places online. It's a lot less trouble and no more money than going from store to store (although you still might want to start at Goodwill).

[Liz CA]

She knew she had the leos? I know one can forget what is in the back of the drawer or closet. :glare:

If she knew, I'd have her do some chores. Since you had a long talk with her about finances, it would underscore what you were trying to convey rather than nullify it by letting it go. Just my 5 cents...:001_smile:

[Liz CA]

Ummm, Jean...this makes me think she new they were there. If they were in the wash they were in use and not hidden in the back of the drawer.

I'd think of some chores that needed doing and are too strenuous for you but just right for a young, strong girl. ;)

[elegantlion]

Sigh. We had our talk. She knew the other leos fit. But they were not "new" anymore and the thrill had gone. She wanted a new leo and to her, wanting it means that she needs it. She is selling two of the leos. She will be allowed to keep 3 because that is how many I thought we would have anyway. Her attitude toward me is hostile right now. I was going to take her to a special movie tomorrow - the first movie in a theater that we've ever gone to see but now I'm not so sure. I'm not angry with her - just a bit disappointed. As a PP said, this really isn't about clothes but about her character.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

I was a young adult in the late 80s and early 90s. I had lots of credit with little income. I liked new, it made me feel good. I ended up with a lot of debt and a dated cordless phone after I came to my senses.

 

It's better that she learn this lesson now with a $40 item than as an adult. You're a great mom.

 

I'd probably take her to the movie anyway. It was an error in judgement, but that doesn't mean you don't love her and want to spend time with her. I would probably go, model some unconditional love, good budgeting habits, and have some quality girl time. I don't know if that's the right thing, but that's what I would do.

[fairfarmhand]

Sigh. We had our talk. She knew the other leos fit. But they were not "new" anymore and the thrill had gone. She wanted a new leo and to her, wanting it means that she needs it. She is selling two of the leos. She will be allowed to keep 3 because that is how many I thought we would have anyway. Her attitude toward me is hostile right now. I was going to take her to a special movie tomorrow - the first movie in a theater that we've ever gone to see but now I'm not so sure. I'm not angry with her - just a bit disappointed. As a PP said, this really isn't about clothes but about her character.

I'd probably take her to the movie. On the way home, I'd let her know that I was very disappointed that she manipulated and deceived me. "I really believed that you had better character than that.", If she got hysterical, I'd just sigh and look away.

 

Sometimes, the less I say in these situations the better. My disappointment can be conveyed by my demeanor better than by my words.

[FairProspects]

She may be too young for this, but I'd try giving her $100 for a certain # of months and letting her buy what she wants where she wants, but when it is gone, it is gone.

 

This works great with my son, and I no longer resent how much I spend on him, and he suddenly looks for the very best deals.

 

I'd probably go with #1 and then transfer over to this system. It is what I wish my parents would have done with me.

 

There are so many factors involved with pre-teen/teen girls and clothes. Hormones, someone making fun of what you wear, not understanding how much something costs in relative terms, etc. My parents and I fought about clothes a lot growing up and it caused some damage to our relationship that took years to repair. If they could just have let go and given me a budget and not judged about what I did with it (as long as the clothing was appropriate of course), I might have had the space to make some mistakes in a safe way without damaging the relationship.

[kalanamak]

As a PP said, this really isn't about clothes but about her character.

 

I would be displeased, and I would work on gratitude a bit. As for the movie, he'd have to do chores to pay his way, but I'd take him if he did.

Edited July 19, 2012 by kalanamak

[Jean in Newcastle]

Last update: After talking to her and telling her that we would be selling two of the leos, I just left her alone. She cried and cried in her room. At first it seemed to be selfish tears (of the "it's not fair" variety) but after a while she came to me and apologized. We've had our hugs.

 

Yes, I think we will still go to the movies. I haven't even mentioned that I'm thinking of going at all to her so that will be a total surprise.

 

The whole entitlement/gratitude/financial responsibility thing will be a work in progress. I appreciate all the input I've gotten. Her reactions to me are so over-the-top "you're the meanest mom ever" so that sometimes I wonder if I really am being reasonable or grossly unfair. It helps to get some feedback from other moms. And I appreciate the variety in the responses because it helps me to think through what I think as I evaluate them in light of my situation.

[SKL]

Last update: After talking to her and telling her that we would be selling two of the leos, I just left her alone. She cried and cried in her room. At first it seemed to be selfish tears (of the "it's not fair" variety) but after a while she came to me and apologized. We've had our hugs.

 

Yes, I think we will still go to the movies. I haven't even mentioned that I'm thinking of going at all to her so that will be a total surprise.

 

The whole entitlement/gratitude/financial responsibility thing will be a work in progress. I appreciate all the input I've gotten. Her reactions to me are so over-the-top "you're the meanest mom ever" so that sometimes I wonder if I really am being reasonable or grossly unfair. It helps to get some feedback from other moms. And I appreciate the variety in the responses because it helps me to think through what I think as I evaluate them in light of my situation.

 

Glad to hear she's learned something from this.

 

As for the "meanest mom ever," this is the age (hormones). She probably can't help it and may actually believe it - but one day you two will laugh together about this. (Don't hold your breath on that, though!) ;)

[Katy]

Glad to hear she learned something too.

 

Could you give her an allowance and make her save and buy her own clothes? You could attach budgeting rules if you like (tithing, spending, saving), or even do a Dave-Ramsey style budget plan where she plans to spend every dollar.

 

She's too young to babysit, but she might be old enough to work as a mother's helper for $3/hour (laundry, cleaning, helping watch younger elementary kids while the parents are home but busy).

[Jean in Newcastle]

Glad to hear she learned something too.

 

Could you give her an allowance and make her save and buy her own clothes? You could attach budgeting rules if you like (tithing, spending, saving), or even do a Dave-Ramsey style budget plan where she plans to spend every dollar.

 

She's too young to babysit, but she might be old enough to work as a mother's helper for $3/hour (laundry, cleaning, helping watch younger elementary kids while the parents are home but busy).

 

She has her own baking business. I'll have to talk to my dh and figure out a budget for clothing.

[tex-mex]

#2

:iagree:

If it helps, when I was the OP's dd's age, I began pet sitting for neighbors, dog walking, cutting lawns, and doing a paper route for extra money. I learned real quick how to budget and save money for clothes. I only wish I had a thrift store or Goodwill in my town as that would have helped my clothes budget when I was a teen.

[Scuff]

Sigh. We had our talk. She knew the other leos fit. But they were not "new" anymore and the thrill had gone. She wanted a new leo and to her, wanting it means that she needs it. She is selling two of the leos. She will be allowed to keep 3 because that is how many I thought we would have anyway. Her attitude toward me is hostile right now. I was going to take her to a special movie tomorrow - the first movie in a theater that we've ever gone to see but now I'm not so sure. I'm not angry with her - just a bit disappointed. As a PP said, this really isn't about clothes but about her character.

 

I would not let her keep the new one in this case. :( Sorry. It is hard.

[duckens]

I don't think that you can unring this bell (charge/penalize her for purchases you made even though you did not have all the facts). Oh, I would still be mad though!

 

I do think that you need to set her down and tell her that it is wasteful to spend money on things that are not needed. Mention that this seems to be a pattern. Tell her that there will be new systems in place.

 

1) She will be given a budget for clothing from mom and dad. If she wants to buy one shirt for $30 or six shirts for $30, that is her choice, but she will need to use her money wisely. Be specific with dates and amounts of money.

 

2) The money is meant to be spent on CLOTHING, not pizza or stuffed animals or whatever. Mom will control the money, but keep a running tally of what is left to spend.

 

3) Daughter will now be responsible for washing her own laundry. If she only has 2 shirts in her drawer, then she will be doing laundry every other day.

 

4) No allowance, but opportunity to earn money in the household by doing chores. Set a certain amount for dishes, folding and putting away laundry (not her own), washing the family car, cleaning out the cat's litterbox, whatever. We have this system in the house (we pay for schoolwork done, piano practiced), and whenever dd5 wants to buy something, we discuss what will need to be done to earn the money--IF she chooses to follow through. It puts the solution to her unhappiness (wanting to buy something) in her own hands and makes me not responsible for her wants.

 

5) Your daughter may have a clothing "emergency."

 

For example, I once went on a school weekend trip to Worlds of Fun, and if we chose to wear shorts (late May in Missouri), they needed to come down to our knees. I only had ONE pair of shorts that met the clothing code for three days. Mom and I had to run to the store to find a second pair.

 

If a "clothing emergency" occurs, you may either disperse the next payment early, with extra understanding for your daughter about this, or you may have a physical and specific list of chores she must check off to earn her way out of you covering her bum (literally and figuratively). If she doesn't complete the chores, then the next payment will be held until she completes the list.

[sheryl]

Jean, I know where you are coming from. Your options presented are reasonable, HOWEVER,

 

it would seem a bit unfair for her to repay you IF the ground rules were NOT LAID BEFOREHAND! I would turn it into a teaching moment. You and dh set the rules and she needs to be responsible for her clothes. She should purge every 6 months. At that time she takes an inventory as to what she has. Let her know that IF she fails in such a way again, she will suffer the consequence - whatever you and dh decide. Work to pay it off, deduct from her savings and actually repay, etc.

 

If the rules were already known up front and she missed, then have her pay up.........:tongue_smilie:

[weddell]

I know your op post isn't about leotards, but rather wants vs needs and honesty. But I wanted to mention that eBay is a great place to buy expensive leotards. I would definitely look there before buying new. Just search for "gk leotards" or whatever brand you like and there are PLENTY to choose from for cheap. I got spoiled finding 3 gk brand leotards at the salvation army for less than $2 each and now I just can't even look at the $40+ ones.

[gardenmom5]

Jean - have you been to value village in redmond? or the tree house - kids consignment - near ben franklin off redmond way? (i love that place. they've been there so long, they get great stuff for cheap and better than just goodwill or VV.) they get more girls stuff than boys stuff :glare: and go through teens sizes.

 

and since it's consignment, you can sell some of her clothes that no longer fit and recap something - more than most garage sales anyway.

 

eta: and yeah - I'd make her work and expend some effort for her extras.

[sewingmama]

Considering that you went through her clothes with her and you both missed it I'd consider it an oversight and just let it go. I'm 3x your DD's age and I do things like that all the time - forget I have something and then find it stashed somewhere after I've bought a new one :blush:

 

I wouldn't impose a consequence other then a natural one. The next time she tells you she needs new clothes I would simply say "Oh sweetie, I'd love to buy you "X" but I used all your clothing budget buying that new leo that you asked for last time so I just don't have the money for that now". She'll work out pretty quickly that it's better to spread out the money so you have enough for what you need when she has to wear something that's too small for a while and she can't blame you because afterall - you bought her what she wanted -;)

Edited July 20, 2012 by sewingmama

[fairfarmhand]

Last update: After talking to her and telling her that we would be selling two of the leos, I just left her alone. She cried and cried in her room. At first it seemed to be selfish tears (of the "it's not fair" variety) but after a while she came to me and apologized. We've had our hugs.

 

Yes, I think we will still go to the movies. I haven't even mentioned that I'm thinking of going at all to her so that will be a total surprise.

 

The whole entitlement/gratitude/financial responsibility thing will be a work in progress. I appreciate all the input I've gotten. Her reactions to me are so over-the-top "you're the meanest mom ever" so that sometimes I wonder if I really am being reasonable or grossly unfair. It helps to get some feedback from other moms. And I appreciate the variety in the responses because it helps me to think through what I think as I evaluate them in light of my situation.

 

 

I have one like this. You have my sympathy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm off my rocker or she is. She is so in earnest that I really sometimes think....Ok, I thought I was doing the right thing but.... She's quite the drama queen. The drama, at my house, is for the purpose of manipulating situations and people to her advantage.

 

Have you seen the Tim Hawkins clip where he mimics his mother? "You're the meanest mom ever..." "No, I'm not. Last year, I got second. But this year, I'm going for first!"