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WWYD: Responsibility dilemma with dd10


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Her reactions to me are so over-the-top "you're the meanest mom ever" so that sometimes I wonder if I really am being reasonable or grossly unfair. .

 

take it as a complement, say thank you, and tell her one day she'll thank you. ;)

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Regarding her over-the-top reactions to you, I don't think you're being mean or grossly unfair.

 

I think you're being manipulated. Or at least this is her attempt at such.

 

With the math given throughout the thread, the way I decipher it, she would have a total of five leotards. That makes four you didn't know about? Even if you knew of the two that didn't-fit-but-really-did, three nice leotards should be plenty enough for a girl who isn't even enrolled in gymnastics anymore. Another leotard should have been labeled "want" versus "need" right from the get-go. So were you thinking that she actually needed three? Of course, maybe my math is wrong.

 

Jean, I know you have discussed it with her, and the immediate leotard-buying situation has been resolved, but I wanted to suggest that the clothing issue itself may point to other causes for the misrepresentation and emotionality. Does she have unresolved anger for being taken out of gymnastics? Do you have unresolved guilt for taking her out of gymnastics?

 

I just know that moms have such a tough line to walk - to teach responsibility and to do it with kindness and grace - it helps to be able to worm all the way down to the basest part of the issues.

 

Hope you won't think me unkind in pointing this out. It just may be a good opportunity to understand what underlying emotions may be driving your daughter's behavior. Her sense of entitlement may be tied to the thought that hey, a leotard is way less then the cost of gymnastics, that's the least my mom can do for me, leading her to rationalize away the deceptive behavior of hiding the other two nice leotards.

 

My new to homeschooling little daughter is not my only child. We went to the "here's your clothes money" budget system long ago. My big kids learned thrift and needs over wants real fast! You don't have to actually give her the clothes money, at 10yo I would hold it in an envelope, she won't be running off to shop without you at that age. But let her make the choices. Let her make mistakes. Let her end up with nothing to wear for a certain occasion (or unable to participate because she didn't plan and spend properly and thus has nothing appropriate to wear). She will learn. And you may have the opportunity to demonstrate grace by rescuing her like another poster said (the shorts needed for an unexpected need for a fun trip).

 

:grouphug: I hate managing kids' clothes. Really, I know it's fun for some but it is truly one of my least favorite tasks of mothering.

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My guy doesn't know what clothes he has. He knows his favorite shirt and that is it.

 

:lol: that is SUCH a boy thing!!!

 

Jean, once per year I make dd's try on all clothng they claim doesn't fit. I refuse to replace. Lothing which fits because their tastes have changed. I did this with my boys as well.

 

Nxt year. Onsider making sure all laundry is done, then you can sit in dd's room as she tries on clothing or bags up stuff she can no longer wear.

 

FWIW, dd12 is a fashionista. She LOVES clothes but I limit what she has because I am tired of finding everything on the floor in a wrinkled mess.:glare: dd wants a more mature room decor, too, but I keep telling her she will live with what she has until she can take care of her room better. I bought nice window coverings and some nice decorations well over a year ago. I did so because they were an excellent price. Nothing is out of the package yet.:glare:

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FWIW, dd12 is a fashionista. She LOVES clothes but I limit what she has because I am tired of finding everything on the floor in a wrinkled mess.:glare: dd wants a more mature room decor, too, but I keep telling her she will live with what she has until she can take care of her room better. I bought nice window coverings and some nice decorations well over a year ago. I did so because they were an excellent price. Nothing is out of the package yet.:glare:

 

Oh, so familiar. My newly-minted 12yo loves clothes and decor, and it winds up all over the floor. :glare:

 

Though today the issue is her tendency to jump to conclusions and blame her little sister. This morning she couldn't find a bead bracelet she'd made at church for the upcoming camp week. Utter, total freakout. She screamed at her sister for losing it (she had left it on the bathroom counter "for safekeeping" (!!) and sister had brought it to her to put away, and she'd asked sister to put it back). 15 minutes spent talking her down instead of looking for said bracelet. After I'd dropped her off at the day-long church event she is attending today (she apologized to sister in the car), I took 5 minutes to find the bracelet--in her own messy bed. Did a text go out to one of the leaders to inform this child of her own folly? (Subtly worded so only she will know) You bet it did. A long talk will occur tonight, because this is a pattern...

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:lol: that is SUCH a boy thing!!!

 

Jean, once per year I make dd's try on all clothng they claim doesn't fit. I refuse to replace. Lothing which fits because their tastes have changed. I did this with my boys as well.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Oh, so familiar. My newly-minted 12yo loves clothes and decor, and it winds up all over the floor. :glare:

 

Though today the issue is her tendency to jump to conclusions and blame her little sister. This morning she couldn't find a bead bracelet she'd made at church for the upcoming camp week. Utter, total freakout. She screamed at her sister for losing it (she had left it on the bathroom counter "for safekeeping" (!!) and sister had brought it to her to put away, and she'd asked sister to put it back). 15 minutes spent talking her down instead of looking for said bracelet. After I'd dropped her off at the day-long church event she is attending today (she apologized to sister in the car), I took 5 minutes to find the bracelet--in her own messy bed. Did a text go out to one of the leaders to inform this child of her own folly? (Subtly worded so only she will know) You bet it did. A long talk will occur tonight, because this is a pattern...

Is my child at your house? This drives me NUTS! I hate the blame game.

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Regarding her over-the-top reactions to you, I don't think you're being mean or grossly unfair.

 

I think you're being manipulated. Or at least this is her attempt at such.

 

With the math given throughout the thread, the way I decipher it, she would have a total of five leotards. That makes four you didn't know about? Even if you knew of the two that didn't-fit-but-really-did, three nice leotards should be plenty enough for a girl who isn't even enrolled in gymnastics anymore. Another leotard should have been labeled "want" versus "need" right from the get-go. So were you thinking that she actually needed three? Of course, maybe my math is wrong.

 

Jean, I know you have discussed it with her, and the immediate leotard-buying situation has been resolved, but I wanted to suggest that the clothing issue itself may point to other causes for the misrepresentation and emotionality. Does she have unresolved anger for being taken out of gymnastics? Do you have unresolved guilt for taking her out of gymnastics?

 

I just know that moms have such a tough line to walk - to teach responsibility and to do it with kindness and grace - it helps to be able to worm all the way down to the basest part of the issues.

 

Hope you won't think me unkind in pointing this out. It just may be a good opportunity to understand what underlying emotions may be driving your daughter's behavior. Her sense of entitlement may be tied to the thought that hey, a leotard is way less then the cost of gymnastics, that's the least my mom can do for me, leading her to rationalize away the deceptive behavior of hiding the other two nice leotards.

 

My new to homeschooling little daughter is not my only child. We went to the "here's your clothes money" budget system long ago. My big kids learned thrift and needs over wants real fast! You don't have to actually give her the clothes money, at 10yo I would hold it in an envelope, she won't be running off to shop without you at that age. But let her make the choices. Let her make mistakes. Let her end up with nothing to wear for a certain occasion (or unable to participate because she didn't plan and spend properly and thus has nothing appropriate to wear). She will learn. And you may have the opportunity to demonstrate grace by rescuing her like another poster said (the shorts needed for an unexpected need for a fun trip).

 

:grouphug: I hate managing kids' clothes. Really, I know it's fun for some but it is truly one of my least favorite tasks of mothering.

 

I think this thread has probably run it's course but just a quick reply:

 

Your math is correct. I knew about the two leos. One is a long-sleeved velour one that is just too hot for 80% of our temperate weather. The other one was totally fine but I thought I'd spoil her by getting her another one to switch off with it.

 

And re. the dynamics surrounding leaving gymnastics. Yes - there is a bit of mommy guilt. Not as much as there used to be but some.

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