"Surprise! You're my dad!" WWYD?

[Barb_]

No, you've said it several times but I only just now heard it.

 

You have been the daughter in this situation, and your biological father rejected you.

 

That is why you feel as you do. You've explained yourself.

 

And I really do hope you'll see that you are not fine about this, and I hope that realization will lead you to seek help. I'm so sorry for the hurt you've experienced.

 

:iagree:

[justasque]

She may think that is all she's asking for, but it won't be. If all she wanted was kindness and warmth, there are a million places you can go for that (I would have no problem with giving her a medical history). That isn't all she's looking for. She's looking for a parent and another family with all that goes with it. And she will have tons of issues that she will need/want to work through.

 

There are reasons that these things don't work out a very great deal of the time. She's grown and she would just have to live with it. It might even be the best for her. Speaking as someone whose father bailed while my mother was pregnant with a sibling (because he had impregnated another man's wife at the same time) and had four stepfathers after that, I know what a mess that situation would be. For me, my marriage, my children, and that girl. Better for everyone to just skip the pretense that we would somehow become a family and turn her away to begin with.

I wouldn't be angry with the child (the adult child), but I wouldn't accept her into our family, either. I would be angry with the mother for the decision she made. And I would suggest to the daughter that she be angry with her mother, too. I would let the daughter know that while I hold no animosity toward her, we have a family and she's not part of it. It's not fair, true, but it's fact. It's a fact that her mother created and now, fair or not, she has to live with. Sometimes parents make choices for their children that are unfortunate, and that is, as one poster put it, the way the ball bounces. And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

I grew up in a family with multiple "strings" from divorces and remarriages and I swore I would never have that kind of mess in my life again once I got free of it. I deliberately never dated men that were previously married or had children in order to avoid it.

 

If you look into this sort of "late reunion" thing, the statistics on it aren't good, they aren't even almost-good. I would not have my family disrupted for what is almost certain to turn out badly.

 

 

 

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

 

I know I wouldn't hate the kid or anything like that it is not their fault. I just decided after seeing all the drama my parents went through over me and my siblings that I would never deal with any of that. I broke it once. I dated a man with children, I loved them like my own they all even went to the same school as my kids and it ended terribly when he cheated on me.

 

I never got to see those kids again that was it for me.

 

It sounds like you two have been hurt in the past. I'm sorry; it must have been very difficult to grow up under the circumstances. I'm beginning to understand a bit of why you have the point of view you are expressing.

These situations are certainly complex. But in the experiences you describe, it sounds like people were not acting with respect and grace and love. They weren't taking responsibility for their actions. And that's the key part, I think.

 

In the OP's situation, the dad wasn't given the opportunity to take responsibility at the time. He has been given it now.

[Avila]

I'm not bitter. My heart is fine.

 

Just because you are unable to convince me that my position is right and yours wrong is no logical reason for you to make assumptions about my state of mind. It does say something for your ability to argue a position logically, however.

 

Husband messed up. He has a child. Ex-whatever screwed up. She didn't tell him. Innocent child shows up, and you want to pretend she doesn't exist. If not intellectually, then morally and financially.

 

What is logical about that?

 

If two people make a child, two people are biologically related to said child. And you -- a third party -- don't get to retract that just because it doesn't fit your paradigm.

 

Denying that child is hateful. Deciding that multiple people telling you that is illogical is frankly just scary.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Asenik

[Catwoman]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

She may think that is all she's asking for, but it won't be. If all she wanted was kindness and warmth, there are a million places you can go for that (I would have no problem with giving her a medical history). That isn't all she's looking for. She's looking for a parent and another family with all that goes with it. And she will have tons of issues that she will need/want to work through.

 

There are reasons that these things don't work out a very great deal of the time. She's grown and she would just have to live with it. It might even be the best for her. Speaking as someone whose father bailed while my mother was pregnant with a sibling (because he had impregnated another man's wife at the same time) and had four stepfathers after that, I know what a mess that situation would be. For me, my marriage, my children, and that girl. Better for everyone to just skip the pretense that we would somehow become a family and turn her away to begin with.

 

There *IS NO* connection with a 20 year old grown woman who he didn't even know the existence of. And he can, at that point, not be a father in any meaningful way. The girl is raised, she is formed, whatever you want to call it. And since there had been no relationship, there is no relationship to continue.

 

If my children have the emotional maturity of 6 or 8 year olds at 20 I will consider myself to have failed. I hold no truck with extended adolescence. At 20 I expect my children to be adults.

 

My attitude is not hateful. I wouldn't hate the girl. I wouldn't even dislike her. Even if I liked her (if, for some reason, I had accidentally known her before knowing she was my husband's biological child), it wouldn't change the reality that she was not a member of our family.

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

 

 

Wow. :001_huh:

 

Bitter much? :confused: :confused: :confused:

 

I'm very sorry you had such a terrible personal experience with your father and stepfathers, but I hope you will re-read your posts and realize that you are coming across in a very negative way, and as much as I hate to say it, I'm not surprised that people are viewing you as being hateful. I'm sure you're not that way at all, but you seem so bitter in this thread. I'm not suggesting that you don't have a right to your opinion, but I thought you should know that you sound very cruel, and it sounds like you're letting your own bitterness about your father and stepfathers strongly influence your feelings about a young woman you have never met and have no knowledge of.

 

Will you at least acknowledge that there is a possibility that she has always wondered who her father is, and now that she thinks she knows, she wants a chance to see him and meet him? Do you really think that she wouldn't have a natural curiosity about something as important as finally knowing about her biological father? :confused:

Edited July 18, 2012 by Catwoman

[shinyhappypeople]

Agreed with all the people who say I'd want to know my husband's child but sad and angry we didn't know earlier.

 

I believe the OP, but if this happened to us I'd be very skeptical about the "we couldn't find you" bit. I'm old enough to remember a lot before the internet and there were ways to find people before that, things like going to public libraries to look at phone books, calling directories in the town you thought someone lived, etc. You didn't even have to hire and investigator, but you could. There could be a lot the OP can't tell us on that, but if this happened to me I'd be very skeptical unless this was an anonymous encounter, in case you wouldn't know the name for facebook.

 

Yup.

 

"You do what you know. When you know better, you do better." (Who said that? Maya Angelou, I think?)

 

There was nothing vindictive or sneaky in her actions at all. Lots of foolishness and other stuff clouding the waters, but no ill intent at all.

[Catwoman]

BTDT. I survived. So will she.

 

ETA: we aren't talking about rejecting an infant, as your post above stated. The OP referred to someone who showed up out of the blue at 20. If my husband had a minor child, we would not have dated to begin with.

 

 

Your self-righteousness makes me believe that you have suffered a lot in the past, and I'm sorry to hear that. I would think that your own pain would have made you more compassionate toward the young woman, but apparently, you would prefer to see her never have a chance to meet her father.

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you're saying something like, "I got hurt and I had to deal with it, so why shouldn't that young woman be hurt, too?"

 

And your point about the young woman being 20 would only be valid if she had always known about her father and she had never bothered to contact him until now. In this particular case, she had no clue as to her father's identity until very recently. I didn't realize there was a statute of limitations on when a person is allowed to meet a long-lost parent.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Catwoman

[PinkInTheBlue]

:iagree:I love my dh so much that I cannot fathom walking out because an old girlfriend kept a secret. I would be stunned and upset, but would get over it. That child would be part of my dh and, again, I love him. I would expect him to do the right thing and I would expect the same of myself.

 

:iagree:

 

My father is still raising/mentoring me. I just turned 50.

I strive to be as good a parent to my kids as he has been to me.

 

This thread has left me almost speechless. I cannot wrap my mind around it.

 

I'm speechless simply because I've never been banned and this conversation isn't worthy of a first time for me. I've seen some amazing things on this board in the over 10 years I've been here but this takes the cake. I can't even put my own thoughts together on how dumbfounded I am. Wow, just wow.

[Mergath]

Just because you are unable to convince me that my position is right and yours wrong is no logical reason for you to make assumptions about my state of mind. It does say something for your ability to argue a position logically, however.

 

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

[Catwoman]

It sounds like you two have been hurt in the past. I'm sorry; it must have been very difficult to grow up under the circumstances. I'm beginning to understand a bit of why you have the point of view you are expressing.

These situations are certainly complex. But in the experiences you describe, it sounds like people were not acting with respect and grace and love. They weren't taking responsibility for their actions. And that's the key part, I think.

 

In the OP's situation, the dad wasn't given the opportunity to take responsibility at the time. He has been given it now.

 

:iagree:

 

I think you made an excellent point. This case is entirely different from a father or stepfather intentionally leaving his children, because this guy never even had a chance to be a father. He was never told that there was a baby.

 

It is not the same as a man walking away from his children. This guy never knew he had one.

 

If the young woman's mom was quite promiscuous at the time, her boyfriends may have led similar lives, and there's no reason why any of them should have believed they had fathered a child. But once the father finds out, he might be thrilled to discover that he has a daughter. If not, that's unfortunate for all concerned, but I do think he has the right to know he's a dad, and the young woman seems perfectly normal for hoping for the chance to meet her father. Whatever happens after that is anyone's guess, but I'm not getting the idea that the young woman is somehow immature for wanting to have some sort of contact with her father. She is completely innocent in all of this, and I don't understand the incredible lack of compassion a few people are feeling for her.

[kalanamak]

And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

 

Hmmmm. My husband decided his own will. I'd be unhappy if my spouse decided to write one for me. If he insisted, like "I'll divorce you if you don't do it my way", I'd do it, I suppose, and then I'd make one secretly, with a lawyer, making sure all previous wills were void. Yessir, that would hack me off royally.

[kalanamak]

Don't forget there may be grandparents, too. Heck, when my mother found out one of her sons had a been a semen donor, she quietly and politely pined to meet any of those children. I don't know that she ever said a word to that brother, but she said it to me, and my mother was *very stoic*.

[coffeefreak]

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

 

I love this statement.

[Mimm]

I cannot fathom blaming a girl for wanting to know her father.

 

Just to clarify, it sounded to me in the original story like this girl just showed up on his doorstep and met her father's son before she even met him. I felt that this forced her way into the family in a manner that was insensitive and showed complete disregard for her father's feelings and his family.

 

I don't necessarily think that their reaction was reasonable. I also think it's safe to say that I have issues with regards to fathers, so it's possible I'm not understanding how important fathers are to other women. :)

 

This thread has gotten a bit heated and I think I'm heading to bed. :)

[La Texican]

I hope those who call me "hateful" even after repeatedly stating that I would not hate or dislike the grown woman in question are teaching their children better rhetorical skills than appeal to emotion and attempted shaming. Neither is convincing.

 

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

 

pathos is rhetoric. so says Aristotle, father of rhetoric

http://www.figarospeech.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/

[Dustybug]

Sharing DNA is a pretty big deal to most people. I think that the kids in this type of case certainly have the right to approach the purported father, have their paternity confirmed (or not), and see if a personal relationship is possible. If the father wants to refuse to recognize his own blood simply because it's inconvenient or embarrassing - well, I'm pretty sure the right to be a jackass is protected in the constitution.

 

Finding out that one has an unknown branch to the family tree is not something that destroys the life of a functioning, reasonable adult. clarkacademy's story, for example - it's one thing for a grown woman to be hurt when she discovers her husband of 20 years wasn't a virgin when they married as he claimed; it's another thing entirely (a very dysfunctional thing, imo) for her to not be able to handle it to the extent that she DIVORCES him.

 

As for him? Gimme a break, he realized he had sex, it is not that difficult to figure out :rolleyes: And it's simply pathetic that this "very Christian guy" is refusing to 'forgive' his own daughter, particularly as she did not do anything that requires forgiveness. Perhaps he should turn that anger on his own actions and lies.

 

:iagree:

 

I wouldn't be angry with the child (the adult child), but I wouldn't accept her into our family, either. I would be angry with the mother for the decision she made. And I would suggest to the daughter that she be angry with her mother, too. I would let the daughter know that while I hold no animosity toward her, we have a family and she's not part of it. It's not fair, true, but it's fact. It's a fact that her mother created and now, fair or not, she has to live with. Sometimes parents make choices for their children that are unfortunate, and that is, as one poster put it, the way the ball bounces. And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

I grew up in a family with multiple "strings" from divorces and remarriages and I swore I would never have that kind of mess in my life again once I got free of it. I deliberately never dated men that were previously married or had children in order to avoid it.

 

If you look into this sort of "late reunion" thing, the statistics on it aren't good, they aren't even almost-good. I would not have my family disrupted for what is almost certain to turn out badly.

 

Which is exactly why the young woman would not be welcome into my family. She is innocent, but she is also a *grown woman*. My children are also innocent (for that matter, so would I be). But they are children. *They*, the *actual* children, would be the ones in need of protection. Not the 20 year old grown woman.

 

The 20 year old needed to be protected from her mother's choices, but that didn't happen. Too late to raise her now. Not too late for my children, who are not grown.

 

:001_huh: I have no words, really

 

I honestly just don't get your POV. Why can't the girl look for a parent in her actual parent. I would expect my dh to man-up and be the dad he's supposed to be. Are you saying you would actually want your dh to turn his back on one of his children? Wouldn't you worry that he may then turn his back on one of his children with you? I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could easily turn his back on one of his children, whether he knew them at birth or not. You seem to be thinking of what is best for you, but I don't think you're really thinking of what would be best for your dh and other children. I can't imagine knowing that my dad turned his back on a sibling. I wouldn't respect him.

 

:iagree:

 

If you read me as passive-aggressive then I didn't represent myself well. I meant to be entirely aggressive.

 

:lol:

 

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

 

:iagree:Absolutely.

 

As someone who grew up not knowing her father because he was married to someone other than my moher this conversation has definitely been interesting to me. I never got the chance to meet my bio. father because he passed away before I had the opportunity.

 

I think I'm really glad no one in my family uses "statistics" to determine whether or not they love me.

[3browneyedboys4me]

I would just like to add that you've implied that this young lady is a grown adult and has no real reason for a relationship with her bio-father. That she is already grown and this situation will only turn everyone's lives upside down. Those weren't your exact words, but I think that nails the point.

 

However, have you consider that though she is really a young adult, her life is JUST beginning. She still has college, marriage, children (he will grandchildren) and lots and lots of milestones. Why would she not have the same entitlement as the other children he has fathered? I believe you called them the *actual* children. How is she 'less than'? Her conception was not by HER choice, but her father's and mother's. She has every. single. right to know him and have a relationship with him. Will it be hard? Sure! Would anyone want to have to deal with it? Probably not. But, that's just life. You can't pretend it away or dismiss events b/c they don't fit into your plan. Sometimes, just sometimes, you have to accept things that you don't want to. Life can be really inconvenient.

 

Accepting the things in life we can't change is the healthiest attitude. By accepting, I mean embracing...not just simply acknowledging. There is a difference.

 

 

 

I'm not bitter. My heart is fine.

 

Just because you are unable to convince me that my position is right and yours wrong is no logical reason for you to make assumptions about my state of mind. It does say something for your ability to argue a position logically, however.

[Pixjen]

There is an adult in my family who's bio-father most likely has no idea she was ever conceived. Thank you to each of you who would be willing to establish a relationship with such a child. Being an "unknown child" comes with it's own unique set of complications and issues.

[Liz CA]

Yes, absolutely. I think it would be a shock to anyone even though for women it's harder to understand since it couldn't happen to us.

I was the child of such circumstances so I do understand your niece's curiosity. I went through a phase when I was a young teen, trying to locate my father. Fortunately, it was long before online and social media. I say fortunately, because it is likely I would have done something very stupid and/or disrespectful.

If your sister pm'd the man and he does not respond, your niece should take it to mean he is not interested in establishing a relationship, maybe not even in finding out if he is the father. He may need a while to consider it. This could mean months before he may reply one way or another. This could be rather hurtful. Has your sister discussed all the possible ramifications with your niece?

[La Texican]

I hope those who call me "hateful" even after repeatedly stating that I would not hate or dislike the grown woman in question are teaching their children better rhetorical skills than appeal to emotion and attempted shaming. Neither is convincing.

 

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

 

pathos is rhetoric. so says Aristotle, father of rhetoric

http://www.figarospeech.com/teach-a-kid-to-argue/

Edited July 18, 2012 by La Texican

[Liz CA]

My SIL went through this same thing except I don't think our niece ever tried to contact her biological father since she was raised by BIL since she can remember.

SIL explained to me once that she lied in court to keep the bio Dad's name out of it because she wanted BIL be able to adopt her which he did.

 

It's always messy and many might say it's selfish. In her case it was fear that the bio dad may want a relationship with his daughter and oppose the adoption. She thought she could "erase" her mistake and create a "whole" family by denying the bio Dad his rights and opening the door for her husband to adopt her child.

I know it's lying, I know it's dishonest. These situations often create a feeling of desperation and while SIL is usually an honest person, she chose this path.

I suppose "Judge not, lest you be judged," is the essence of this post. :001_smile:

[DaffodilDreams]

Never mind. Not worth a possible first banning. I'll leave it at "wow".

Edited July 18, 2012 by kimmie38017

[Katy]

I would ask for a paternity test, then welcome the child with open arms, even if she was 20.

 

My dad was in the Navy. My older half brother was raised by his stepfather, but came to stay with us when he was 18 for several weeks. I have never doubted the power of genes since. He looks identical, all his mannerisms are exactly the same, even certain strange phrases are the same. Genes are amazing.

 

I've heard that around the time my parents got married, my dad got a letter in the mail from a woman he'd had a one-night thing with explaining that she'd had twins, that she had only been with him to get pregnant (husband infertile), that the twin boys would be raised as his. I wish, how I wish, I could find a way to find those boys.

 

Having a child just "show up" is not a reason to end a marriage. Refusing to forgive the past and staying trapped in fear is frequently a reason to end a marriage though. If someone left for that reason, it wouldn't be the real reason. It would really be about trust - either you'd assume he's been lying for decades OR you just flat-out refuse to give him the chance to do the right thing and not act like your family.

[RainbowSprinkles]

BTDT. I survived. So will she.

 

Yes, you have survived. But you also turned into a bitter person because of it. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Most people who go through something like this, do not want anyone to have the same experience.

 

My father left when I was 2. I didn't 'meet' him until I was 15. I'm thankful that my stepmother did not have your POV.

[SKL]

Well. My kids were adopted in a closed adoption. Their bio moms know they exist, but if I ever decided to seek contact on behalf of my kids, here's how that would be done. I'd find an experienced professional to approach her discreetly and find out whether she had an interest in being contacted in any way. I'd offer some alternatives: exchange of photos? Exchange of ongoing correspondence? Meeting? It would be 100% up to her. I would respect that this could be extremely difficult for her, as her expectation was to leave a certain part of her life behind her.

 

I would not want to contact the birth fathers. I don't have info on them anyway, but I suppose I could get it from the birth moms and maybe my kids would want to pursue them after reaching adulthood. In that case, I hope they would use a similar method to that described above - get a disinterested go-between, be absolutely discreet about it, and respect his wishes.

 

The mom in this case should have contacted the bio dad first without her daughter even knowing about it, in my opinion. Oh well, that's water under the bridge. Hopefully the bio dad will provide some sort of response. I'm thinking something along the lines of: "Wow. This is a lot to digest all at once. I really wish you guys well but I need to digest this for a while." I think it's unrealistic to expect a guy to instantly extend open arms to a child he unknowingly fathered 20 years ago. I also think it's unrealistic to expect the future relationship to be like that of a child-parent. Even children in open adoptions don't usually view their bio parents like "parents."

 

The young woman is going to be affected by this either way, and it's going to affect her relationship with her bio mom as well. I have a friend who adopted a child from foster care (he'd been abused/neglected by his bio parents). As an adult, the guy sought out and met his bio family and became very confused about who his "real" family was. It's not a simple matter however you slice it.

[Liz CA]

You don't have to answer this but I have a question. Again feel free to ignore it.

You said it was hard and still is...did you mean telling your children or just knowing he was with someone else, or having contact with the child/young adult?

[Liz CA]

T

How on earth is it the daughter's fault for bringing truth into that home? Better to have it come to the light and be healed then be hidden in darkness. I would think that's how a "very Christian" family would view it.

 

Now is it natural for an 18 year old boy to want to assign blame to someone other than his mom and dad for the break-up of his parents' marriage? Sure. But it was his parents' responsibility, not his half-sister's. What a poor portrayal of Christianity (no less "very" Christian behavior) to that young woman.

 

Not really her "fault" in that sense, except one can choose to do it more gently than showing up at Dad's door one fine evening.

[Mom2Es]

I know I wouldn't hate the kid or anything like that it is not their fault. I just decided after seeing all the drama my parents went through over me and my siblings that I would never deal with any of that. I broke it once. I dated a man with children, I loved them like my own they all even went to the same school as my kids and it ended terribly when he cheated on me.

 

You mean the school that your kids would have gone to if you'd had any at the time, right? Which clearly you didn't have, since you don't believe it's a good idea to get involved with people who have kids, right? Otherwise, you have standards for dating that you aren't willing to hold yourself to. If you are honest about not wanting "all the drama" involved with step-parenting, then you shouldn't be looking to invite someone else to be a step-parent in your home.

[Shawna in Texas]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love. He would not be the man I married.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would not be the fact that he once had relations with some woman before I met him but didn't tell me.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would be that he betrayed me and caused me to believe he was a Christian man who loved children and felt a father's responsibility to all life brought into this world by him.

 

If I found out he wasn't that decent, Christian man who loved his own children, that would be what might devastate my marriage.

 

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous or smug or anything. My extended family is a godawful mess and I have no delusions about these situations working out well. But I do have a commitment to a certain attitude toward parenthood before God, and if my DH turned out not to be the man I think he is, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'd never be able to get his rejected daughter out of mind. Never.

 

:iagree: Except we're not Christian.

 

This is the most disturbing thread I've read since I joined this forum. The coldness in some of these posts is unbelievable. I find the excuse used about protecting children from another child seeking to know his or her bio parent sickening, and I would hope those children would have the good sense when older to be disgusted and quite justifiably angry that their mother turned away their half sibling, robbing them of a chance to grow up knowing their sister or brother. Honestly, if I were the bio dad and my wife responded that way, I'd have to seriously consider whether or not I could stay married to a woman so calculatedly cold and unyielding.

 

:iagree: And there's the view of the child. While dh's circumstances are different, he does have the perspective of being one of those half-siblings. He found out he had another sibling when he was 14 (she was 20, from FIL's unknown previous relationship) because she sent one of his sisters her old prom dress. She had just found out from a family member that she had 3 other siblings, so she was excited. She really didn't want a relationship with her father since he had abandoned her (that certainly changed his view of his dad). What was more of a betrayal to him though, was his mother forbidding any contact. He was a mama's boy until that day.

 

We met his sister in person 2 years ago. DH has had a phone relationship with her for 7 years. He has 3 nephews as well.

 

But hey, MIL and FIL are still going strong after nearly 40 years. :001_rolleyes:

[Oakblossoms]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love. He would not be the man I married.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would not be the fact that he once had relations with some woman before I met him but didn't tell me.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would be that he betrayed me and caused me to believe he was a Christian man who loved children and felt a father's responsibility to all life brought into this world by him.

 

If I found out he wasn't that decent, Christian man who loved his own children, that would be what might devastate my marriage.

 

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous or smug or anything. My extended family is a godawful mess and I have no delusions about these situations working out well. But I do have a commitment to a certain attitude toward parenthood before God, and if my DH turned out not to be the man I think he is, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'd never be able to get his rejected daughter out of mind. Never.

 

Can we get an AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

[SonshineLearner]

I'm sorry. It is just how I feel. I have the utmost respect for those in blended families but I would never want one in any way at all. I wouldn't want that in my life. My father is the best dad in the world because he didn't have to be but I would never want that life.

 

It's not fair to anyone but I know I would be miserable and that wouldn't be fair either. Blended families are amazing when they work and total destruction when they don't. I signed up to marry you in sickness in health etc etc but I would never date a man with children to begin with so finding out years later would just devastate me.

But you have children with your husband, right? So you'd deprive them of a family that lives together, because of past... and unknown children? I'm thinking that surely you'd reconsider if that happened :(

[Mom in High Heels]

Wow. Just wow. This thread makes me both incredibly sad and incredibly angry. The"Christian" attitudes of some people are the very reason I'm not Christian. The hypocrisy of some is almost laughable.

 

Just to clarify, I'm not saying all Christians are hypocrites, because some are incredibly wonderful people (my uncle is a pastor), but some just make me want to smack them for their holier than though attitude when they exhibit none of the qualities of Christianity.

[BugsMama]

Wow. Just wow. This thread makes me both incredibly sad and incredibly angry. The"Christian" attitudes of some people are the very reason I'm not Christian. The hypocrisy of some is almost laughable.

 

Just to clarify, I'm not saying all Christians are hypocrites, because some are incredibly wonderful people (my uncle is a pastor), but some just make me want to smack them for their holier than though attitude when they exhibit none of the qualities of Christianity.

 

AMEN

[marbel]

I have no idea how my husband or I would react. I would hope we'd respond with love and grace (and a measure of caution, sure) but I don't think most people can truly know in advance how they will react to such an event. We can know how we'd expect to act, and how we'd like to act, but I don't know if we can be sure how we actually will act, at least at first.

 

A few people I know have experienced this situation, though. Some handled it well. Some didn't. One acquaintance of mine tried to handle it well when her husband was presented with a 15-year-old son he'd never known existed, but their marriage didn't survive it. I don't know the entire story of the circumstances.

 

No idea why I'm asking this, but why are people going off on the OP's sister for not telling the father, when it was clear from the start that she had no way of telling the father?

 

Actually I've no idea why I'm adding my voice to this crazy-long thread. But I've been stunned by some of the responses.

 

Children want to know their Daddy. Even as adults, even when Daddy is flawed. I have a relative who divorced an abusive man. He was a terrible, mean person. Yet the children cared for him when he was sick and mourned him when he died. He was still their father and they wanted to have a relationship with him. They wanted to forgive him even if he did not seek their forgiveness.

[bettyandbob]

Well, this got ugly.

 

I find the attitudes portrayed by people who use "Christian" in the response, sadly not surprising. (And I am a Christian) I find that in any given situation, people who use the term "Christian" and profess "strong Christian" often have the meanest, hostile and most judgemental responses.

 

Okay, so bio mom contacts bio dad and tells him about a child he never knew about. At this point, it's message not a person standing on your doorstep. It gives you a little time to process. As the wife of bio dad, I think I'd want proof, probably DNA. My guess is dh would be one to ask for DNA first. I'd be angry at first -- because as stressful as my life is I don't handle stress and I don't handle things I don't plan well. I'd need a little time, but I hope I would pull myself together and let my dh form the appropriate parent to adult child relationship the girl and my dh wanted to have.

 

Like some one else said life is messy. Dh had a life before he met me. Do I know every detail and every relationship he had. No. Does dh know that about me. No. Are we decieving eachother. No. Our relationship is not built on the nitty gritty details of who we associated with before we met. Would it help to divorce dh? No. Things would initially be unstable for our marriage and our dc, but it wouldn't make sense to sink the whole ship. That would just hurt everyone.

 

The only person in this scenario to be angry at is bio mother. She needs to expect people to be angry with her even if she feels she couldn't make contact sooner. Even if she truly couldn't. This would be an intense emotional situation. There would not be an opportunity to logically explain the no contact fully at first. So, she needs to expect some anger.

Edited July 18, 2012 by betty

[clarkacademy]

But you have children with your husband, right? So you'd deprive them of a family that lives together, because of past... and unknown children? I'm thinking that surely you'd reconsider if that happened :(

 

 

I don't have a husband. My childrens father and I are no longer together. Yes they are all his. We were together most of my adult life and half of my teen years so we may as well have been married. We might as well still be together with the way our kids are raised but we argue too much, that is a whole other thread.

 

We both feel the same way about stuff like this though. We won't even have anyone around the kids and would never want that for our kids. Step that half that it just wouldn't be something either of us would ever want. If I dated a man now he would have no children.

 

My thoughts may be weird to some but I can't help the way I feel and I wouldn't want to get involved in other peoples childrens lives it is something I wouldn't do. I have said many times on this board I have a step father and technically two step sisters all though we have never done that step thing they are my sisters but all the drama that goes with that is something I know emotionally I could not do.

 

It wouldn't be a fair situstion for anyone to be in because I know I would not feel accepting of it. If it were my childrens father I don't know how I would deal to be truthful but to my now fictional husband yes I would leave that would be a deal breaker to me.

 

It is hard to explain and probally understand from anothers point of view. But my children have their father and that is all there is too it there will be no step father step mother drama on that part.

[katilac]

A question for those who think that offspring should respect the wishes of the bio dad if he wants to keep his secrets buried: what about the rest of the bio family? The bio dad has the right to decline a relationship on his own behalf, but that is all, imo. He doesn't have the right to keep someone from the rest of the bio family, just because he is either not interested or wants to keep it a secret.

 

Grandparents should have the chance to know their grandchild; aunts and uncles should have the chance to know their niece or nephew. The parents get to decide if minor half-siblings are involved, but not grown ones, imo. Note that I only think the parents get to decide if there's an actual relationship; they don't get to decide that bio kid should act like a dirty little secret so that the 'legitimate' kids aren't traumatized :rolleyes: If others choose a relationship, and the kids learn about it, everyone will just have to deal.

 

I would be oh-so-mad if my dad or brother kept us in the dark about a bio kid. That's my brother or sister, my niece or nephew!

 

Of course there are potential issues, of course it might turn out badly. Anything and any relationship can turn out badly, but that shouldn't keep us from living and loving and owning all of our decisions (and their consequences). One doesn't need to be all Father Knows Best with a surprise bio kid, but for heaven's sake acknowledge them. Don't live in fear of what might happen if you do, or if others find out.

[Carrie12345]

After reading the last page, I've decided not to read the whole thread.

 

If it were to happen here, my heart would sink for a moment, but then I'd be happy to dive in. My husband has been raising my son since he was 2. What's an adult (or, more likely for us, late teen) child compared to that?!

[Catwoman]

It wouldn't be a fair situstion for anyone to be in because I know I would not feel accepting of it. If it were my childrens father I don't know how I would deal to be truthful but to my now fictional husband yes I would leave that would be a deal breaker to me.

 

You made a very good point. I think the thing many of us are forgetting here is that, unless we have been through something like this, we don't really know how we would react. In an ideal fictional world, we think we would do XYZ, but in reality, who knows?

 

Sure, we all think we know, but we really don't. So much of it depends on how the dh reacts, our relationship to the dh, whether or not the child was conceived while we were dating or married to him (which obviously isn't the case in the OP's situation,) and how the child approached the dh.

 

Let's face it, if the newfound child showed up asking the dh to pay for college and buy her a car and a condo, I'll bet even the best-intentioned of us wouldn't react very positively to that kind of attitude and would wish the girl would just go away. If the dh felt so guilty that he started treating the "new kid" better than his other children, that would be a huge sticking point as well. OTOH, if the kid just wanted to meet and get to know her father, it would be very difficult not to sympathize with that, especially if she didn't have another strong father figure in her life, or if she simply seemed like a very nice person.

 

Honestly, I don't think I'd react incredibly well to the idea that we suddenly had a new family member. I'd also be ashamed of myself for feeling selfish and resenting such a big change, and I would hope that I would still do the right thing for the kid, because (especially in the OP's case,) she was totally innocent in the matter.

 

Don't get me started on how I'd feel about the other mom, though. :glare:

 

My only issue with this thread is that some people seem to be blaming the young woman, when IMO, if there's anyone to blame, it's the bio mom. She's the one who slept around so much that she had no clue as to the identity of her baby's father, and took 20 years to finally figure out who the guy probably was. Hey, I don't care who she slept with, but if she found out she was pg, she should have narrowed down the field and let the potential dads know about it. As it is, she chose to leave her dd without a father and a guy in the dark about having a child.

 

Again, I don't think we can judge anyone here who has posted that they would resent the intrusion. I do, however, think it's very wrong to judge the young woman harshly for wanting to meet her real father.

 

And in this case, I'm not entirely convinced that the man in question is definitely the father. I got the impression from the OP that it's more of a "probably" situation and not a sure thing. Personally, I'm worried that even if the guy steps up to the plate and accepts that he's the dad, it may turn out that he's not, and a lot of people will have been on an emotional roller coaster for nothing.

[lionfamily1999]

Dh does not know who his father is. If dmil ever spills those beans I doubt dh would even try to reach out. Why? Ha! Look back a few pages and see!

 

Having thought he was rejected for so long, it wasn't until a few years ago that dmil told us the guy wanted to marry her and she ran and hid from him, dh would not want to face rejection a second time.

 

If this came up for us, I would accept dh's child. If this came up for my sister and she turned bil's child out, I am not sure I could ever look her in the face again.

 

I don't care if the person on the doorstep is forty years old, at that moment they are a child, they are vulnerable, and they are looking for their parent. I would not allow someone to treat a baby that way, and again, at that moment that is exactly what they are.

 

Seriously, even the bulldozer was nicer than that. (Are You My Mother?)

[Danestress]

The mom probably knew who the dad was all along. She didn't just "figure it out" 20 years later, most likely.

 

She was afraid that notifying the dad would complicate life - that he or his parents would want visitation or custody, that he would want to make decisions, etc. she made the choice to avoid that and also to not collect support.

 

As the wife, I might actually feel secretly thankful that the mom didn't sue for support many years before. I might also feel angry for my dh not being able to help raise the child, for his parents not knowing her, etc. I am sure feelings are complicated on all sides.

 

But one thing to think about is that, as the wife, I had been absolved all along from sharing our income through child support. I might not be so mad at the mother, in some respects.

[Lady Florida.]

If my dh said that it was a possibility, I would accept the child and welcome them into our family. I'd leave the decision of DNA testing to him, which he probably would request.

 

If my dh said that it isn't possible or is too hard to believe, I would be reserved until DNA testing proved it.

 

I would not judge the mother, unless I walked in her shoes.

 

:iagree: I'm a grown woman with enough sense to know that dh had a life before I came along. Actually though, he did father a child before I met him, and was raising that child when we started dating.

 

I know. I feel as if we stumbled upon the aristocracy in Edwardian England. A few coins thrown over the gate for the upbringing of a bastard child, the legitimate family refusing to know them...

 

What an apt description.

 

 

I hope those who call me "hateful" even after repeatedly stating that I would not hate or dislike the grown woman in question are teaching their children better rhetorical skills than appeal to emotion and attempted shaming. Neither is convincing.

 

From Merriam Webster online: (bolding mine)

Hateful -

1. full of hate: malicious

2. deserving of or arousing hate

 

Synonyms: *****y, catty, cruel, spiteful, malevolent, malicious, malign, malignant, mean, nasty, spiteful, vicious, virulent.

 

 

Yes, you have survived. But you also turned into a bitter person because of it. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Most people who go through something like this, do not want anyone to have the same experience.

 

 

Sadly, she doesn't see this, and thinks she's "fine".

 

Wow. Just wow. This thread makes me both incredibly sad and incredibly angry. The"Christian" attitudes of some people are the very reason I'm not Christian. The hypocrisy of some is almost laughable.

 

Just to clarify, I'm not saying all Christians are hypocrites, because some are incredibly wonderful people (my uncle is a pastor), but some just make me want to smack them for their holier than though attitude when they exhibit none of the qualities of Christianity.

 

I have a number of lovely Christian friends and family members, but I agree with you. It was certain kinds of Christians who actually got me started on questioning my beliefs in the first place. I suppose I should thank them, because I'm much happier now, but hypocrisy still makes me shake my head. And it saddens me.

 

Note: I didn't censor that first synonym, the board did it automatically. It's the b word in case you didn't figure it out.

[lovinmomma]

How in the world is it the girl's fault? :confused:

 

Dh and I were both professed virgins when we married each other, but if he had been lying or had an unremembered encounter, I wouldn't end my marriage over it. :001_huh:

 

:iagree:

[marbel]

The mom probably knew who the dad was all along. She didn't just "figure it out" 20 years later, most likely.

 

She was afraid that notifying the dad would complicate life - that he or his parents would want visitation or custody, that he would want to make decisions, etc. she made the choice to avoid that and also to not collect support.

 

 

Curious how you can infer all that from the OP's post. Why not take what she said at face value?

 

You may be right, for all anyone on this board knows. But, how can you make that assumption?

[Danestress]

Curious how you can infer all that from the OP's post. Why not take what she said at face value?

 

You may be right, for all anyone on this board knows. But, how can you make that assumption?

 

And common sense. I did say "most likely" and do believe that most likely, she had a very good idea who the father was. Why would her ability to figure that out get better after 20 years?

[ktgrok]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

Um, he could have prevented that by not sleeping with someone. Or by keeping in touch afterwards. This is the man and woman's fault, NOT the kid. Don't want a kid coming back to haunt you? Don't have sex.

[ktgrok]

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

 

So.,..you drag your children into a divorce, and make them have to go back and forth, so that you don't have to get to know an adult step child? Wow.

[lionfamily1999]

So.,..you drag your children into a divorce, and make them have to go back and forth, so that you don't have to get to know an adult step child? Wow.

 

That would cause way less longterm damage. It's not as though they will walk away from that in terror that their mother would cut them off over having a child out of wedlock, or a failed marraige, or having a blended family or any family at all.

[ktgrok]

:iagree:I love my dh so much that I cannot fathom walking out because an old girlfriend kept a secret. I would be stunned and upset, but would get over it. That child would be part of my dh and, again, I love him. I would expect him to do the right thing and I would expect the same of myself.

 

Exactly. THAT is what love is. What some people are describing is not love in any way shape or form. And definitley NOT Christianity!!!!

[ktgrok]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love. He would not be the man I married.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would not be the fact that he once had relations with some woman before I met him but didn't tell me.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would be that he betrayed me and caused me to believe he was a Christian man who loved children and felt a father's responsibility to all life brought into this world by him.

 

If I found out he wasn't that decent, Christian man who loved his own children, that would be what might devastate my marriage.

 

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous or smug or anything. My extended family is a godawful mess and I have no delusions about these situations working out well. But I do have a commitment to a certain attitude toward parenthood before God, and if my DH turned out not to be the man I think he is, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'd never be able to get his rejected daughter out of mind. Never.

 

Same here. I could never be with a man that would turn away his own child. At any age. THAT would be what would make me leave. If he could do it to that child, he could do it to our children.

[mommaduck]

There is nothing for him to man-up to with a 20 year old. Her upbringing is done. And if it's not, her damage is too profound for a daddy-come-lately. She needs a counselor in that case.

 

I am thinking of what would be best first for my children and then for my marriage. Both of those things dictate that the girl be turned away. It might seem "mean" on the surface, but it's less heartache for everyone in the long run. You can wish a family or relationship into existence. Look up the statistics on how these things turn out. It's not pretty.

Wow! You must have some pretty big issues if you feel that you have to turn away a child of your husband's to protect your children or save your marriage. For every anecdotal story towards the negative, there is also one towards the positive. The truth is, it's usually a mixed bag.

 

Anyone that feels they couldn't be kind or handle having a child show up from the past, without even giving it a chance, must be pretty insecure. Yes, it's "easier" for you (not the child), doing the right thing or the kind thing or the best thing is almost never "easy".

Edited July 18, 2012 by mommaduck