mommaduck Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Let's be more specific then: Adult child aka they are an adult AND they are someone's child (as in they were conceived from a man and a woman). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Let's be more specific then: Adult child aka they are an adult AND they are someone's child (as in they were conceived from a man and a woman). :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I don't think there is any right answer to this. I don't think anyone is bad for their feelings. But right down to it you can all only speculate. None of you knpow how you will react unless it is YOU in this situation. Not your brothers sister aunt, your friend from highschool etc YOU. None of you know how it will go about until you are there. It doesn't matter what statistics say or anything else you have to be there to deal and unless you are then you can only speculate. I agree that we can't know for absolute certain how we will behave until we are in a situation. I strongly disagree that there is no right way to behave. I believe that, barring some extreme circumstances, not having a relationship with the offspring is immoral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 What if the child was conceived during your relationship? Would you encourage your husband not to have a relationship with the child? (This is the situation close to me, so I've thought a lot about how I would handle it in their shoes.) I would be disgusted if he would not have a relationship with the child and be there. I have a bad history of my childhood being constantly ruined by my stepdad's affairs, so I could not in good conscience stay with my dh if he had an affair. But I would hope for ALL the children's sakes that he would welcome the child in, and I would never blame the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Let's be more specific then: Adult child aka they are an adult AND they are someone's child (as in they were conceived from a man and a woman). :iagree:I don't care if the girl is 70 and a grandmother, if she was my husband's daughter I would want to know her and learn about her life and include her in my own. My babies are my babies no matter how old they get. If some bizarre twist of fate left me not knowing them (if I had given them up for adoption instead of raising them for example), and they tracked me down as an adult my only response would be to open my arms and say welcome home. Oh and if this happened to my son I would kick his sorry butt if he turned his back on his child just because he didn't know until the child was grown and if my dil was the one giving my son ultimatums regarding my grandchild lets just say the crazy that people talk about their mil's here would look like a cake walk vs the hell I would put my dil through for that attitude. After all she is not my blood but that grandchild no matter how old would be. I would have no problem paying for the lawyer for my son to divorce such a person. Edited July 19, 2012 by swellmomma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I would be disgusted if he would not have a relationship with the child and be there. I have a bad history of my childhood being constantly ruined by my stepdad's affairs, so I could not in good conscience stay with my dh if he had an affair. But I would hope for ALL the children's sakes that he would welcome the child in, and I would never blame the child. :iagree:And I had a stepdad that cheated and a dad that was a bigamist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 And that's the problem here. You are thinking of a child. Some people don't consider a 20 year old stranger a child, even if they happen to share DNA. I don't know that any parent ever stops thinking of their kid as a child, no matter how old that child happens to be. And it wouldn't matter if the "child" in question was two or twenty. In my family, they'd be welcomed with open arms. And have been, when it happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tmhearn Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Well, I have spent two hours reading this thread. It was fascinating. Sometimes I laughed. Sometimes I wanted to cry. I was the abandoned child. I knew vague details about my father while I was growing up. I finally found contact info for him when I was 20. I got up the nerve to call only to find out he had passed away 3 months earlier. I was pretty devastated. I wasn't looking for money or anyone to raise me. I was already married. I was looking for some connection to where I came from. Luckily, his wife didn't have the attitude of some of the pp's. She spent a long time talking to me about him and even sent me pictures. They had 4 children together (one of whom had been put up for adoption). The children were all still living at home at the time (ages 11-16). I never did get to talk to them. I'm not sure if the mom purposefully didn't want me to talk to them, or it just didn't occur to her that I might want to. We kept in touch periodically through the years. Fast forward about 14 years to the advent of Facebook! My sister friended me on FB out of the blue. I ended up connecting with the other siblings as well (including the one who had been put up for adoption). I got the chance to meet my 2 brothers (but haven't met my 2 sisters yet). I have begun a lovely relationship with my youngest sibling. He lives close to me ( the others don't). I have experienced so much healing from just establishing a relationship with him. I think humans naturally want to know where they come from. Obviously that is where religion comes from. People go back so far, then they want to know how we all originally got here. Even my 7 year old has asked that question. So having no knowledge about half of your genetics can be difficult for some people. I really think this is mostly a case of people just not knowing how they would behave in a certain situation. At least, I hope that is the case. If my stepmom would have refused to speak to me, it would have just made my painful situation so much worse. As so many people pointed out, it wasn't my fault that I was born into that situation. It was extremely painful growing up without a father or any knowledge of him. To the OP, I think the neice should contact the dad herself. It really is between the two of them. Leave the mom out of it, especially under the circumstances. He might be quite irritated with her handling of the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 :iagree: That is not a child. The world is made of all kinds of people and people make the best choices they can. I think I see where some of the disconnect is. You and TammyS are defining child as a person under 18, a legal minor. I think most of the rest of us using the word child and thinking "son or daughter." D will always be K's daughter, regardless of whether he chooses to acknowledge it and regardless of the fact that he didn't know her when she was a minor. That's just a biological reality that cannot be wished or pretended away. When my mother is asked how many children she has, she says, "I have three children." We're all grown, all have lived on our own for many years and she doesn't treat us the same way she did when we were minors, but we didn't cease being her children when we turned 18. Her responsibility to us changed but didn't disappear (and vice versa). Another thing to consider: it's entirely possible to develop a warm, caring relationship with a person you meet as an adult. That's what happened between my DH and I. I see no reason why an adult child couldn't reconnect with a parent and build something healthy and good. Will it be the same as if the parent had raised her? No. But, it can still be something worthwhile and good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 This whole thread makes me really grateful for the people I am surrounded by. Me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momma_Bear Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Not true. I know enough about myself and the kind of person I am to know that I would never reject a child looking for family. Never. The thought wouldn't even cross my mind. I think family and love are supposed to perpetually grow to encompass more people, not act as a wall to keep others out. :iagree::iagree: This whole thread makes me really grateful for the people I am surrounded by. and again :iagree: I don't even have words for some of the responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 We're all grown, all have lived on our own for many years... Her responsibility to us changed but didn't disappear (and vice versa). Whoa. So what exactly are the requirements of her to fulfill her responsibilities for you? Nm! That should probably be an entirely new thread!:) Another thing to consider: it's entirely possible to develop a warm, caring relationship with a person you meet as an adult. That's what happened between my DH and I. I see no reason why an adult child couldn't reconnect with a parent and build something healthy and good. Will it be the same as if the parent had raised her? No. But, it can still be something worthwhile and good. [/color] Absolutely agree. Here is the deal though. You wanted an adult relationship with your dh and chose that. He didn't knock on your door and expect that even though you have zero relationship with him (through neither of your faults) you are now obligated to upheave your to start one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 If it matters to know, my reaction would greatly depend on the adult child and possibly the ex. I can't picture dh saying no to at least meeting her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 My older brother is my half-brother. He has known that my dad (well, who we assume is my dad ;)) adopted him the vast majority of his life, and he is the only father my older brother has ever known. He has two step-siblings (a brother and a sister), his brother reached out to him (via me) as an adult, and it took YEARS for my older brother to respond, and more than a decade (about 15 years) for my brother to be willing to meet his biological father. My situation? A minefield would be easier to navigate. I do want the certainty of "knowing." But I also don't want to hurt my mother and father in the process. I have lived with these nagging feelings for decades...with some solid science on my side since the 7th grade (although...there are some remote scientific exceptions as well). I just feel...well incomplete. That there is much more to my story...than being the genetic mutant of the family. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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