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I wanted to chime in and say that I have an example of a step-child relationship working out just fine. In fact, my two younger kids could not imagine life without their older brother. Nor could my exes kids imagine their life without him either.

 

I was married early and had my first son at 23. I was divorced before I was 25. I did not remarry until I was 35 and had two more children at 36 and 39. My ex-husband married six months after I did, bringing my son a step-sibling and a few months later, a sister.

 

My oldest just graduated from college. He is a full part of our household, though my husband is not "daddy" to my son, his stepson, he is an important part of his life.

 

I do not recognize some of the step-relationships being described. Not that they are not real, but I did want to give some balance. Mixed families can be very happy families.

 

I also have experience with the original situation discussed. My sister's husband was in bands in the 70s, and he had a brief relationship with a friend's sister. He moved and did not see her again, but he did speak to the brother. About 15 years ago, he received a call from the brother stating that his sister had given birth to a son eighteen years before. The brother had urged his sister to tell my brother-in-law, to no avail. My sister had a hard time with it at first--some honest and sometimes ugly emotions--but she got past it. When this young man passed away in his thirties, my sister and her husband continued their relationship with his son. They love their first grandchild very much and he is a part of our family. His mother struggles financially and my brother-in-law is happy about helping support his grandson, even though he was denied that with his son.

 

I struggle to understand more than one perspective on the previous pages, and I thought it might be helpful to share my experience.

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See now I figure if they wanted me to know. They wouldn't have hidden it and it's disrespectful to their privacy to dig up what they left buried. If it was important, they wouldn't have lost it.:)

Not disrespectful when it's not just their history. If it were disrespectful, then it's just as disrespectful to hide it. It's a darned if you do and darned if you don't.

 

In my husband's case, the only thing that was being hidden (not from the family, but from those outside the family) was Native American ancestry, and this was due to prejudices from generations prior. It was not uncommon to hide such. On my mother's side, the "hidden" thing was that my grandmother had walked away from her family and refused to speak about them. My mother located them (in her forties). Grandmother knows and Grandmother doesn't care as long as my mother doesn't try to include her. My mother has found the reason Grandmother walked away, but refuses to share it with me till Grandmother has passed on (this is how she is being respectful). On my side, it was disrespectful for my stepfather to insist that I never know anyone from my father's family and to make it a "me or them" situation. He forbade my mother from sharing anything with me, but she would drop hints and bombshells here and there. He loves his family history. But I was expected to deny my family history while, at the same time, being constantly reminded and told that his family history wasn't mine to claim because I wasn't "blood". I know his family history pretty well and his mother insisted that every grandchild receive a history book...they all did and told his mother they had made one for me, but lied and refused to hand me one. Yes, I felt disrespected and you can't blame a child for wanting to know their history, especially when they are "family, but not family". Every family reunion, to have an Aunt or Uncle tell you that you are there only because of their gracious brother, but you need to remember that you aren't family. Every funeral of a grandparent that you were close to and accepted you, to be told that you aren't allowed to cry, because you aren't blood and therefore could not possibly have been close to them and have no right to tears. This was a family that I had been raised in from the time I was TWO YEARS OLD.

 

Yeah, I'm not too worried about digging up dead people's histories. I've actually had relatives tell me, "we've been waiting for you to call" and brought cousins together. I've helped friends find their own missing siblings and parents. Once the child is an adult, your "rights" aka wants are nil, because those children have just as much right to want relationships as you do to choose to deny them. My cousin's mother was adopted. She doesn't care to find her bio-family. She understood her daughter did. I helped her daughter and we located them. Mom is left out of it, per her request, but she respects that her daughter wants that information. Respect goes both ways.

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Tread lightly before dictating or participating in a false duality and/or subscribing to a hasty generalization. Either path will lead you to a limited understanding of the reality or potential of any situation. It will also present innumerable difficulties to those involved when no longer in a controlled and skewed environment (Hello, to the real world with all its richness and variety).

 

That being said, on a person-to-person level, I have no right to tell someone how to feel or conduct themselves so long as it is not devaluing the rights and integrity of others.

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Sometimes after a time, the child's appearance might make it glaringly obvious who his/her dad is. Especially in certain circumstances where one possible father had a distinctly different appearance from any other/s.

 

That would make sense, but only if as you said it was glaringly obvious. That did happen in the Christmas card photo situation I mentioned earlier because the father and previously unknown son shared very unique facial features. The same features one of the sons he and his wife had together.

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:iagree:

 

 

 

I'm speechless simply because I've never been banned and this conversation isn't worthy of a first time for me. I've seen some amazing things on this board in the over 10 years I've been here but this takes the cake. I can't even put my own thoughts together on how dumbfounded I am. Wow, just wow.

 

:iagree:I have so much that I want to say, but I can't think of a way to put it that would have me in risk of being banned.

 

Maybe it is because my daughter doesn't know her father. Yes, he knows of her, and chose not to have anything to do with her when she was born. (We were both very young, believe it or not, I don't harbor any ill-will towards him.) But he has grown up, and is about to have another child. I don't believe that the mother of his second child is aware of my daughter.

 

I can only hope that if my daughter chooses to contact their family when she gets older, she is accepted with more grace than has been shown on this board. It makes me very sad to see how children are being treated for their parents actions. Yes, I said actions and not mistakes, because my daughter wasn't a mistake. And yes, I purposely said children, because even at 16, 17, 18 years old- these kids are still children, and are still very capable of having their hearts broken by being rejected by a parent, even one who hasn't been around while they were growing up- possibly even more so.

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So, anyway, it got me thinking: what would you do if your DH got a message like this? What would your DH (or if you're a guy, YOU) do if you found out that you have a child you'd never known about? Would the age of the child make a difference?

 

I know, without a shred of doubt, that my husband would be open to meeting and establishing a relationship with his daughter. I would be supportive of that.

 

Given the fact that he had no involvement with her upbringing, he would hold her to the standards we have set for our family while with us. So, we would not tolerate smoking, alcohol abuse, drug use, or foul language, for example. It would be her choice to respect our wishes in our presence or go on her merry way.

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Yes, all of us that have searched for a parent have demanded a room, college funding, an inheritance, etc. :001_rolleyes: No, adult children usually are already providing their own and could give a flip less.

 

This strikes really close to home for me. I have NEVER asked my dad for anything other than he pay the college bill he had promised to. He did...we were good.

 

Unbeknowst to me, my mother had contacted him a couple times asking him to partner with her on a couple financial gifts...I think it had to do with the down payment on dh and I's first house.

 

Ever since then my step mom has said that all I want is money. :confused:

 

 

Actually I would just really like to have my dad in my life. To know my little brother, for my kids to know their grandfather. I would like to be more than FB friends where he never responds to a message I send, but posts on my little brothers wall like it is nothing. It hurts to know this petty, small minded, fear based woman has had such sway over him...that he would abandon his own flesh and blood.

:crying:

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This strikes really close to home for me. I have NEVER asked my dad for anything other than he pay the college bill he had promised to. He did...we were good.

 

Unbeknowst to me, my mother had contacted him a couple times asking him to partner with her on a couple financial gifts...I think it had to do with the down payment on dh and I's first house.

 

Ever since then my step mom has said that all I want is money. :confused:

 

 

Actually I would just really like to have my dad in my life. To know my little brother, for my kids to know their grandfather. I would like to be more than FB friends where he never responds to a message I send, but posts on my little brothers wall like it is nothing. It hurts to know this petty, small minded, fear based woman has had such sway over him...that he would abandon his own flesh and blood.

:crying:

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

My dad was raised by his grandparents, his mother was an alcoholic, his father left the family and got remarried and adopted a daughter. He refused to have anything to do with my dad after the age of 5. He lived an hour from us as children. I met him once, at a funeral. When my grandfather died we went to his funeral and there were people there who didn't know he had a son. I sat there as a teen and watched the judgment of a small town fall on my dad and me and my sister. We had done NOTHING wrong.

 

I remember begging my dad multiple times to just drive up there and knock on his door. I was his grandchild, I wanted to know this person with whom I shared DNA, with whom I shared so many genetic traits. My dad refused, I know now because he couldn't deal with the rejection.

 

The upside is that my dad is a very involved grandfather. He adores my son and just asked to take him for a few weekends to help with one of his hobbies. My son will know his family.

 

About ten years ago I was doing some "spiritual cleansing" and looking at generational curses. I went through all the dysfunctional relatives that were dead. I drove around a region to visit gravesites and forgive these people (there were other issues, like grandma the drunk). When I got to my grandfather's grave I kicked at the headstone. I was upset and angry and I didn't want to forgive this spineless worthless excuse for a man, a man who would be in his son's life until age 5 and then voluntarily walk away. He did more damage by NOT being in his life than he could have possible done in it. I was robbed of a relationship, my dad's self-image suffered. Thankfully he had wonderful grandparents. At his grandmother's funeral he cried like a baby. At his own father's funeral he didn't shed a tear.

 

We leave a legacy by the choices we make. Not being in a life is a choice with repercussions beyond that initial choice, such as many choices in life. Not everything always turns out well, but as the song goes, "When you chose not to decide you still have made a choice."

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Hmm. If I found one of my bio parents, I hope he or she wouldn't assume I was after money or my fair share.

 

But I was left and I can take a hint. Assuming they are alive and concerned, they needn't worry about someone coming to disrupt their lives. :rolleyes: (Yes, I'm oversimplifying.)

 

OP, I hope things work out for your niece. And for her father. It's been said, but I was just checking my FB and found older messages I hadn't seen before.

 

Wow. Just... wow.

 

I've never known my father. From what I understand, I was a baby when my mother left him, and have no reliable information as to the reasons for leaving, or where he might be now. I grew up with a long string of stepfathers (4) and near-stepfathers (about a dozen), but none of them was ever "Dad" to me.

 

I'm nearly 30, so I don't need "raising" and I don't need a loving Daddy to take care of me or advise me. However, I would LOVE to have some sort of family history from my father's side, even if just a medical history. Instead, I have a big blank spot in my life that can't be filled.

 

To think that I would be blamed, and even punished, for trying to fill in that blank spot when the reason for it is not my fault... there just aren't any words.

:grouphug: to you and the many others hurt or stunned by the thoughts in this thread.

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I'm sorry, you can defend what you are saying however you want, but I find it really hard to believe that you don't realize how selfish, insecure, and yes hateful you are coming across, even if you aren't intending to do so.

 

Wow. You've called me names.

 

Now I'm totally convinced. Of COURSE you are right! How could I have not seen that?:lol:

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Wow. You've called me names.

 

Now I'm totally convinced. Of COURSE you are right! How could I have not seen that?:lol:

 

I didn't call you names. I said that was how you were coming across, as have many other posters here. I'm inot trying to convince you either. It is obvious that you are completely right and it's the rest of us that have the problem. :001_rolleyes:

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Wow. OP, I hope the "dad" responds favorably.

 

My own history is complicated too. I'm glad though I at least know it. And unfortunately a mean-spirited person caused a lot of heartache in my childhood too in a parent relationship. I wish she had had a more loving attitude toward a child who wasn't hers. If my DH came to me with such news, I would want nothing more than to be as open and loving as possible, having experienced the harshness and hatred of the other side.

 

This honestly is such a common scenario. Thinking in my own circle of friends, there are at least 2 unmarried moms (either my friends or friends of friends). I can't imagine anyone blaming their KIDS for anything to do with who the heck their parents were. :confused:

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Well. Isn't that lovely.

 

I was off the forum for less than an hour and I missed a ton of drama. I knew this thread was turning into a trainwreck, but apparently it went even further south than I expected, even sooner than I thought it would. It appears that someone is not able to play nicely with others, and things turned ugly as a result. But of course, I don't know for sure, because I don't know the whole story...

 

If anyone would like to PM me with the details, I would not object to that. You know, because I crave knowledge, not because I hate to miss the catty stuff! :D

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When your children are 20, you will realize that they are emotionally still as much children as they were at 6 and 8. Your children do not need to be protected from knowing they have an extra family member as much as the 20yo girl needs to be protected from your hateful attitude.

 

:iagree:

 

There *IS NO* connection with a 20 year old grown woman who he didn't even know the existence of. And he can, at that point, not be a father in any meaningful way. The girl is raised, she is formed, whatever you want to call it. And since there had been no relationship, there is no relationship to continue.

 

Do you honestly in your heart only think minor children need a father?? So when your children are 20 they will NEVER need their father again? Ever? For any reason??

 

I need my dad, but he died 5 years ago. I am very blessed to have an AMAZING father in law to fill my void. I need his advice, his wisdom, EVEN AS AN ADULT. I need his opinions. I want his approval on certain things. I am an adult with children myself (according to you one that will soon never need her daddy again- tell her that, see how SHE reacts)

 

Biologically, she would be related, but not a family member. I wouldn't cut off my dh's family, but I would not support their decision and we would not participate in it.

 

What would you do assuming your dh wanted a relationship with his daughter? HIS DAUGHTER? Would you leave him??

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I didn't call you names. I said that was how you were coming across, as have many other posters here. I'm inot trying to convince you either. It is obvious that you are completely right and it's the rest of us that have the problem. :001_rolleyes:

 

Good grief.

 

I tend to sorta see both sides here and that is NOT at all how I am seeing Tammy.

 

The OP asked an opinion. Most of you would be all gung ho supportive and have no problem with having an adult stranger walk into your life and assume a position of child same as all the children you have actually known and raised for many years.

 

Tammy stated that why she would not feel that way, and it really has nothing to do with the unknown come lately child. Her reasons for not wanting to enter herself and all her children into that relationship are just as valid as why any of you would want it.

 

You don't have to agree with it or like it, but it doesn't make her wrong and you right.

 

Personally, I'm reading this and feeling very very happy that I married young enough for this stuff to not be an issue!:D

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Good grief.

 

I tend to sorta see both sides here and that is NOT at all how I am seeing Tammy.

 

The OP asked an opinion. Most of you would be all gung ho supportive and have no problem with having an adult stranger walk into your life and assume a position of child same as all the children you have actually known and raised for many years.

 

Tammy stated that why she would not feel that way, and it really has nothing to do with the unknown come lately child. Her reasons for not wanting to enter herself and all her children into that relationship are just as valid as why any of you would want it.

 

You don't have to agree with it or like it, but it doesn't make her wrong and you right.

 

Personally, I'm reading this and feeling very very happy that I married young enough for this stuff to not be an issue!:D

 

 

I don't think that it's her reasons that everyone has a problem with as much as the (seemingly) hostile attitude behind those reasons. There *appears* to be no compassion or anything, just a "sorry, too bad, I don't care how it makes you feel" stance that come across very badly with no acknowledgement that THAT is the way it indeed appears.

 

I don't really know why you singled out my post when there have been NUMEROUS other posters stating exactly what I said. *shrug*

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I don't think that it's her reasons that everyone has a problem with as much as the (seemingly) hostile attitude behind those reasons. There *appears* to be no compassion or anything, just a "sorry, too bad, I don't care how it makes you feel" stance that come across very badly with no acknowledgement that THAT is the way it indeed appears.

 

I don't really know why you singled out my post when there have been NUMEROUS other posters stating exactly what I said. *shrug*

 

I wasn't singling you out. You said that according to you and many others that is how she was being perceived.

 

I simply stated that your perception doesn't make it so.

 

And Tammy doesn't owe any of you a reason, much less need your approval for her reasons.

 

She stated that she would feel sorry for the grown woman it that would not be enough to change her own opinion.

 

Tammy wasn't hostile until people got hateful to her.

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OK now, no one is right no one is wrong it is time for kilts, lasagna recipes and troll bashing come on guys let's be nice to each other. We won't all feel or even understand things in the same way that is what makes this place so much fun :grouphug:

 

:iagree:except I'm not really into kilts...

:leaving:

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I would be very hurt because my dh assured me this was not possible before we married. I would be hurt because of the lie, but I don't think that hurt would be nearly as much hurt as the girl must feel at having been lied to by her mother for so many years.

 

Being a logical person, I would probably want some proof first. Then, if it is confirmed, I would encourage my dh to connect with his child. I would stay out of it in the beginning because I think they should/would need time to connect first. If the girl wanted to get to know me and ds, then we'd take that a step at a time, and I'd like to hope that we could all have a decent relationship. What that would look like, I don't know, but I would certainly like to find out.

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:iagree:except I'm not really into kilts...

:leaving:

 

OK Dusty what are you into it then? Give some new ideas! :bigear: I am not too crazy on the kilts either I feel safe being the second on this opinion!! Personally I would like to see a really hot guy doing the dishes NOW THAT ROCKS!!! :lol:

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OK Dusty what are you into it then? Give some new ideas! :bigear: I am not too crazy on the kilts either I feel safe being the second on this opinion!! Personally I would like to see a really hot guy doing the dishes NOW THAT ROCKS!!! :lol:

 

Um....I'm into my DH doing dishes. :tongue_smilie: I won't post pictures though. :)

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OK now, no one is right no one is wrong it is time for kilts, lasagna recipes and troll bashing come on guys let's be nice to each other. We won't all feel or even understand things in the same way that is what makes this place so much fun :grouphug:

 

I'm making crockpot lasagna for dinner. Its' sooo good. I need to start it soon, but it only takes 2-1/2 hours or so. Unfortunately, I can never think of any side dishes besides salad and garlic bread.

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I'm still curious as to how half siblings are "dangerous".

 

:lol: I must have done something wrong because my son has a half-sibling and I never saw the danger. That half sibling now has a son of his own (whom I call my grandson even though we share no blood). I wonder if that 4 month old baby, my son's "half" nephew if you want to get technical, is also dangerous.

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Paternity test, would be my first thought.

 

My cousin found her bio-dad based on her mom's assurance and test later proved he wasn't. His family/wife was hurt, but they were able to welcome her into his family...It was sadder than I care to remember.

 

Do the test...save some heartbreak.:grouphug:

 

Long story short: 20 years ago my older sister (in her early 20s at the time) went through a promiscuous phase and conceived my niece "D". Sis wasn't sure who the father was, but narrowed the list down. Through process of elimination she eventually figured out that "K" is D's father.

 

D is a terrific young lady, in college, and just a huge blessing to our family :D However, not having a dad in her life has left a huge hole in heart. She recently found him on facebook and asked my sister to message him and let him know she'd like to know more about him.

 

Sis messaged K and said that she understood this would be a huge shock for him, but he was almost certainly D's father. She emphasized that neither she nor D want any money or anything like that, D just wanted to know more about him. (She said more than that, too, but those are the high points)

 

She hasn't heard back yet, but I'm not surprised. He's probably still scraping himself up off the floor.

 

So, anyway, it got me thinking: what would you do if your DH got a message like this? What would your DH (or if you're a guy, YOU) do if you found out that you have a child you'd never known about? Would the age of the child make a difference?

 

ETA: child support is NOT an issue since D is an adult and neither sis nor D would ask for money at this point. Their motives are totally pure.

 

ETA2: My sister had no way of contacting (he moved out of state and this was pre-internet) and there were other extenuating circumstances that I'm not going into further. You'll just have to trust me that my sis wasn't intentionally trying to deprive her DD of her father or vice versa. Having said that, it's good to know that he might initially be feeling ANGRY. I hadn't thought of that.

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Shocked and upset. He should have at least had the choice to be a father.

 

Provided it was consensual, he did when he partook in teA.

 

I met my dad when I was 24. He wasn't sure of the paternity when my mom found out she was pg, and freaked. They didn't really talk and he didn't know I was his until he saw my picture and we spoke. We're like twins lost at birth. It was a shock to him, but he's a good guy and has made an effort. I don't want money (like me, he doesn't have any, anyway!). His wife is very nice and supportive. She's a real blessing. I found my dad through researching where & when he graduated and finding a fellow graduate on MySpace. Luckily he figured out my dad's contact info and made contact for me.

 

If my dh found out, I would first demand proof because I would doubt it. Then I would be supportive, provided the child was not conceived during our relationship.

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If my dh found out, I would first demand proof because I would doubt it. Then I would be supportive, provided the child was not conceived during our relationship.

 

What if the child was conceived during your relationship? Would you encourage your husband not to have a relationship with the child?

 

(This is the situation close to me, so I've thought a lot about how I would handle it in their shoes.)

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Well, I can tell you that *I* was the one missing and came out of the woodwork (they all knew about me; I did not know about them until I was an adult and made contact). I'm pretty normal. I have two half siblings I was raised with, three half siblings I wasn't (but I am close to now), three half siblings of my three half siblings (we are all linked up on FB and have each other listed as siblings since we share siblings), and a stepsister (that grew up with my three half siblings and is close to them). I love my nieces and nephews. I loved our stepmother. When dad was a jerk and left for a younger woman (no surprise given past behaviour) everyone gathered around our stepmother and helped care for her in her remaining years. I didn't know her for long, but she had a BIG heart for others.

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Wow. I only made it through page seven. I really can't believe some of the posts on this thread. Blaming kids (or adults) for wanting to new their bio patents, divorcing your dh because he had a child before you even met that even he didn't know of....just wow. I would surely end up banned if I posted what I really thought!

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:lol: I must have done something wrong because my son has a half-sibling and I never saw the danger. That half sibling now has a son of his own (whom I call my grandson even though we share no blood). I wonder if that 4 month old baby, my son's "half" nephew if you want to get technical, is also dangerous.

 

He will obviously be dangerous very soon. Don't you remember all the damage a 1 year old can do?????? :D

 

What if the child was conceived during your relationship? Would you encourage your husband not to have a relationship with the child?

 

(This is the situation close to me, so I've thought a lot about how I would handle it in their shoes.)

 

I know this for a fact: no matter WHEN a child was conceived- before or during my relationship with a man, I could NEVER respect a man who chose not to have a relationship with his child (excepting very, VERY, VERY extreme circumstances. Like, said child had tried to kill that father or something.) I don't care if the child is a child or an adult, it still didn't ask to be conceived and played no role in the parents' relationship.

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My dh was recently contacted on FB by a girl he raised (not bio his) from her being age 5-9 or 6-10.

 

I encouraged him to rekindle the relationship. He had been the only dad she knew up to that point. Her mother REFUSED continued contact after breakup. She is now 19. :(

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My dh was recently contacted on FB by a girl he raised (not bio his) from her being age 5-9 or 6-10.

 

I encouraged him to rekindle the relationship. He had been the only dad she knew up to that point. Her mother REFUSED continued contact after breakup. She is now 19. :(

 

I hadn't thought of it but there is a young man that Dh had helped raise for several years when the boy was a young teen. He's still in close contact today. He's a great guy and I don't have any issues with the relationship.

 

I guess I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to contact their relatives. I've been reconnecting with my father's family since my mother passed. It's been great. If I belong nowhere else I know I always belong there with them.

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:lol: I must have done something wrong because my son has a half-sibling and I never saw the danger. That half sibling now has a son of his own (whom I call my grandson even though we share no blood). I wonder if that 4 month old baby, my son's "half" nephew if you want to get technical, is also dangerous.

 

I have a half sister that I didn't know about or meet until I was a teenager. She never seemed particularly dangerous to me. Quite the contrary, she's a lovely person and I'm glad I've been able to have her in my life.

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This thread is rekindling the feeling that recurrs occasionally to try and contact my 3 lost half-siblings and/or my 2 lost step-siblings, and/or lost half-uncles etc. yes it's a mess... and all the unknown aunts/uncles/nephews that go along with that... Throw in daddy issues, unsupportive step-mother (we're all ok as adults now), crazy ex-step-father and this thread is difficult to read!

 

It is a very strange feeling knowing there are siblings out there that you could walk by on the street without even recognising.

 

 

 

Oh, and to answer the question... it's difficult to imagine because it is impossible in our situation (DH & I together since teens), however I know he feels very strongly about his responsibilities as a father. We had a discussion about sperm donation and he said he would consider resulting children his children, indelicately 'his stuff, his responsibility' :lol: I would expect that it would be crazy difficult and emotional, but that he would feel a responsibility to his child, adult or not, and I would support that as best I could - and probably stay out of it as much as possible at least in the beginning.

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My DH has a daughter who is now 14, wom he has had no direct contact with since she was three. This was his ex's choice, and after years of gifts returned unopened, etc., he gave up trying to re-initiate contact. Even if we could have afforded a legal battle, he didn't want her childhood to be an emotional war zone. (He continues to pay child support, which ex hasn't collected on in several years.) She can contact him whenever she's ready; she is in contact with MIL and lives within an hour of us. (MIL has never disclosed details because ex would cut off her contact too if she did.) All it would take would be a message or friend request on FB.

 

If a surprise child DH was not aware of turned up, she, like DSD, would be welcomed in our family.

 

DD has been told about her sister (we have pictures on our family portrait wall), and most likely once she's old enough for her own FB account, we'll leave it up to her whether to reach out, as DSD will be an adult by then.

 

I can't fathom rejecting an estranged child any more than I can fathom my MGM's refusal to accept her adopted grandchildren (my little brother and sister).

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I don't think there is any right answer to this. I don't think anyone is bad for their feelings. But right down to it you can all only speculate. None of you knpow how you will react unless it is YOU in this situation. Not your brothers sister aunt, your friend from highschool etc YOU. None of you know how it will go about until you are there.

 

It doesn't matter what statistics say or anything else you have to be there to deal and unless you are then you can only speculate.

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I don't think there is any right answer to this. I don't think anyone is bad for their feelings. But right down to it you can all only speculate. None of you knpow how you will react unless it is YOU in this situation. Not your brothers sister aunt, your friend from highschool etc YOU. None of you know how it will go about until you are there.

 

Except that some people on here have been the abandoned child and so, no matter how painful it would be as the wife, wouldn't want their husband to neglect his own child.

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I don't think there is any right answer to this. I don't think anyone is bad for their feelings. But right down to it you can all only speculate. None of you knpow how you will react unless it is YOU in this situation. Not your brothers sister aunt, your friend from highschool etc YOU. None of you know how it will go about until you are there.

 

It doesn't matter what statistics say or anything else you have to be there to deal and unless you are then you can only speculate.

 

Not true. I know enough about myself and the kind of person I am to know that I would never reject a child looking for family. Never. The thought wouldn't even cross my mind. I think family and love are supposed to perpetually grow to encompass more people, not act as a wall to keep others out.

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Not true. I know enough about myself and the kind of person I am to know that I would never reject a child looking for family. Never. The thought wouldn't even cross my mind. I think family and love are supposed to perpetually grow to encompass more people, not act as a wall to keep others out.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

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Not true. I know enough about myself and the kind of person I am to know that I would never reject a child looking for family. Never. The thought wouldn't even cross my mind. I think family and love are supposed to perpetually grow to encompass more people, not act as a wall to keep others out.

:iagree:

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Not true. I know enough about myself and the kind of person I am to know that I would never reject a child looking for family. Never. The thought wouldn't even cross my mind. I think family and love are supposed to perpetually grow to encompass more people, not act as a wall to keep others out.

 

And that's the problem here. You are thinking of a child. Some people don't consider a 20 year old stranger a child, even if they happen to share DNA.

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And that's the problem here. You are thinking of a child. Some people don't consider a 20 year old stranger a child, even if they happen to share DNA.

 

To each their own, but that breaks my heart. :(

 

I adopted my son (now 20) TWO months before his 18th birthday.

 

We share no history or dna, but he is my son.

 

Even adults need a mommy and daddy.

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