"Surprise! You're my dad!" WWYD?

[Laurie4b]

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

 

The surprised father's story doesn't sound particularly credible to me. "I didn't even realize I'd had sex for the first time!" Um...:glare:Try again, dh, I'm not believin' that one." Maybe it's theoretically possible, and strange things do happen, but it's highly unlikely. I think if someone i was married to told me that, I'd be 1) mad at him for lying to me and 2) mad at him for thinking I was that stupid! So that would be the thing I'd be working to forgive. If I knew the young woman was his child, I would be encouraging him to do the right thing by her, even while I was struggling to come to terms with her existence.

 

Either his wife also found his story less than credible and his lies broke up the marriage and/or the marriage was not in the shape your boyfriend thought his parents' marriage was, or his mother refused to forgive a sin decades old (a sin in itself), or his mother truly believed that she shouldn't be married to someone who had first had sex with another person . (And some people would genuinely believe that he was actually "married" to the first woman he had had sex with. If that was the case, she may have left him on principle. )

 

In any case, it was the father and/or his wife who are culpable, not his daughter who came bearing the truth--and she IS his daughter. Aside from an emotional longing to know one's parents, there can be excellent health reasons to have more info. No way I would ever assign fault to the daughter. Recalling Tamar and Judah: She deceived him & she conceived with him, but when confronted with the obvious evidence that he was the father, he did the right thing and owned up to his child. That child ended up being an ancestor of Jesus .

 

How on earth is it the daughter's fault for bringing truth into that home? Better to have it come to the light and be healed then be hidden in darkness. I would think that's how a "very Christian" family would view it.

 

Now is it natural for an 18 year old boy to want to assign blame to someone other than his mom and dad for the break-up of his parents' marriage? Sure. But it was his parents' responsibility, not his half-sister's. What a poor portrayal of Christianity (no less "very" Christian behavior) to that young woman.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Laurie4b

[Joker]

:svengo: There haven't been many posts on this board in the past 12 years that have left me completely shocked and speechless. This one takes the cake.

 

:iagree:I love my dh so much that I cannot fathom walking out because an old girlfriend kept a secret. I would be stunned and upset, but would get over it. That child would be part of my dh and, again, I love him. I would expect him to do the right thing and I would expect the same of myself.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Horton

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I wouldn't be angry with the child (the adult child), but I wouldn't accept her into our family, either. I would be angry with the mother for the decision she made. And I would suggest to the daughter that she be angry with her mother, too. I would let the daughter know that while I hold no animosity toward her, we have a family and she's not part of it. It's not fair, true, but it's fact. It's a fact that her mother created and now, fair or not, she has to live with. Sometimes parents make choices for their children that are unfortunate, and that is, as one poster put it, the way the ball bounces. And unless we were wealthy enough for it not to matter, I would take legal steps to ensure that she was entitled to nothing from my husband's estate.

 

I grew up in a family with multiple "strings" from divorces and remarriages and I swore I would never have that kind of mess in my life again once I got free of it. I deliberately never dated men that were previously married or had children in order to avoid it.

 

If you look into this sort of "late reunion" thing, the statistics on it aren't good, they aren't even almost-good. I would not have my family disrupted for what is almost certain to turn out badly.

 

OMG. I'll be back later when I can find words.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love. He would not be the man I married.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would not be the fact that he once had relations with some woman before I met him but didn't tell me.

 

The deceit I would be seeing in him would be that he betrayed me and caused me to believe he was a Christian man who loved children and felt a father's responsibility to all life brought into this world by him.

 

If I found out he wasn't that decent, Christian man who loved his own children, that would be what might devastate my marriage.

 

I'm not trying to sound self-righteous or smug or anything. My extended family is a godawful mess and I have no delusions about these situations working out well. But I do have a commitment to a certain attitude toward parenthood before God, and if my DH turned out not to be the man I think he is, it would be a dealbreaker.

 

I'd never be able to get his rejected daughter out of mind. Never.

[Barb_]

People,

 

Life. Is. Messy.

 

Sometimes it comes with strings, disappointments and even betrayal.

 

As adults we are supposed to be at least try to handle these things with grace and without devastating others in the process. We are supposed to protect the innocent. Having been hurt in the past doesn't give any of us carte blanche to turn on innocent people and on the people we profess to love. We are supposed to be better than this.

[Laurie4b]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

The parent always owes an innocent child , imo. Now if the adult child is dangerous, that's different. This young woman had done nothing wrong. SHE did not cause the destruction. Her father's behavior did.

[Jenny in Florida]

His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

Hang on . . . I'm trying to understand this concept.

 

Young man gets drunk at a party (not the fault of the mother of the child), has sex (no more than 50% fault of the mother of the child), fathers a daughter.

 

Years later, trying to find her family and her father, daughter knocks on the father's door.

 

His wife of two decades is upset that he got drunk and had sex one time and, therefore, leaves him.

 

He can't forgive the CHILD?

 

Oh, yes, that's very "Christian."

 

From a womans point of view, I would be devasted if it were my husband. Our marriage would not survive it I know this as fact. I would never involve myself with a man who had children at all period.

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

I'm trying to figure out how this doesn't punish the children you now have with your husband? (Not "you," you, just the hypothetical "you" in your comments.)

 

I mean, because you don't want to be a step-parent, you'll separate your kids from their father?

 

Seriously, I'm pretty far from perfect. Of course, maybe that's just me. But, given that I know that about myself, I guess I don't go around expecting perfection from others.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Jenny in Florida

[TammyS]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love

 

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

[Momma_Bear]

From a womans point of view, I would be devasted if it were my husband. Our marriage would not survive it I know this as fact. I would never involve myself with a man who had children at all period.

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

I say this as a person who has a father with no blood ties. He is my dad, but I don't see how the man did it. I would not in any way accept a child in my home under those circumastances. There would be no choice as I would leave period. I do not and will not get invlolved with a man who has children. I would hate the mother for her lies. I would not be happy.

 

That is just insane, IMO. To throw away your whole marriage over something that happened before you were even together? What about your kids? How would it be your husband's fault if he didn't know he had a kid?

Edited July 19, 2012 by Momma_Bear

[TammyS]

As adults we are supposed to be at least try to handle these things with grace and without devastating others in the process. We are supposed to protect the innocent.

 

Which is exactly why the young woman would not be welcome into my family. She is innocent, but she is also a *grown woman*. My children are also innocent (for that matter, so would I be). But they are children. *They*, the *actual* children, would be the ones in need of protection. Not the 20 year old grown woman.

 

The 20 year old needed to be protected from her mother's choices, but that didn't happen. Too late to raise her now. Not too late for my children, who are not grown.

[Joker]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

I personally feel he has the obligation to be a decent human being. She's been raised but perhaps she would like to know more about the biological parent. My obligation to my children doesn't end when they're adults, and I'm so unbelievably thankful my own parents didn't feel that way. I feel confident my dh wouldn't feel that way either. If he did, he wouldn't be the person I married and I wouldn't like him very much.

[Barb_]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

But that is exactly the point! If she isn't asking for anything other than kindness and warmth, a few family stories, a connection to her past, and maybe a health history...can you imagine her deep hurt when he can't even give her that much? The obligation to behave in a civilized manner to the child you fathered doesn't just end at 18.

[Joanne]

There are 2 posts in this thread in which the long-lost or never-known fathers are described as "good, Christian" men. :glare: I'm not understanding the inclusion of that detail. :confused: That makes them.........what? Do they have an immunity necklace protecting them from the messiness of choices of earlier years? Does it make it more egregious? Both posts tend to blame the *child* and take little, if no, responsibility for the participation in the biology that created the child.

 

If you have sex, you can make a baby.

 

I saw a family utterly destroyed by this nonsense too. A boy I dated briefly in highschool, great parents, great home very Christian home a wonderful family. On my boyfriends 18th birthday a girl showed up at his door looking for her dad. She was 22 I think at the time. Turns out this very very Christian guy had gotten drunk one time at a party before he got married and had sex.

 

He never even realized he had sex first off. He married his sweetie, went to college American Dream. They were both supposed virgins etc. His wife couldn't handle it and they wound up getting a divorce. It was so sad and tragic. Needless to say he never forgave the girl or her mother and they have no relationship at all.

 

My boyfriend and his siblings completely hate the girl for ruining their family. My now ex got confused at one point with another person with the same name in the same highschool and was told he had a kid. He made it clear that he didn't have a kid. Didn't want to know anything at all about it. Turned out it was a mistake in names but he was adamant he didn't care and wanted to know nothing.

 

He kind of looked at it like an attack and so did I. We had our kids our family what right did lies from the past have to mess it all up? If I found out my dad wasn't my dad I would not look them up. If I had given a child up for adoption under closed circumstances by my choice I would be angry at being looked up.

 

:confused::001_huh: I am flabbergarsted to the point of near speechless over the perspective of this post. Hate the girl? An attack? Didn't know he had sex? One time? Very, very drunk?

 

Are.you.kidding.me?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

I don't understand this. Do you mean that you won't consider your DH to have any obligation toward your children once they are grown? No obligation to continue a relationship, no attempt toward mutual respect, no regard for the reality of a connection? Fatherhood is more than paying for the material support of a minor child.

[QueenCat]

Because she's an adult and she just walked into someone's life and caused a bunch of destruction simply because she shared DNA with them. Do we really have the right to do that? Am I the only one who thinks that parents and children don't owe each other a relationship if the relationship will be destructive to one of them?

 

-Signed,

Not Speaking to my Dad

 

I cannot fathom blaming a girl for wanting to know her father.

[justasque]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

My father is still raising/mentoring me. I just turned 50.

I strive to be as good a parent to my kids as he has been to me.

 

This thread has left me almost speechless. I cannot wrap my mind around it.

[Barb_]

Which is exactly why the young woman would not be welcome into my family. She is innocent, but she is also a *grown woman*. My children are also innocent (for that matter, so would I be). But they are children. *They*, the *actual* children, would be the ones in need of protection. Not the 20 year old grown woman.

 

The 20 year old needed to be protected from her mother's choices, but that didn't happen. Too late to raise her now. Not too late for my children, who are not grown.

 

When your children are 20, you will realize that they are emotionally still as much children as they were at 6 and 8. Your children do not need to be protected from knowing they have an extra family member as much as the 20yo girl needs to be protected from your hateful attitude.

[Veritaserum]

I don't understand this. Do you mean that you won't consider your DH to have any obligation toward your children once they are grown? No obligation to continue a relationship, no attempt toward mutual respect, no regard for the reality of a connection? Fatherhood is more than paying for the material support of a minor child.

 

For real.... My father has given me no material support since I was a single college student. I still like having a relationship with him.

[Jenny in Florida]

This thread has left me almost speechless. I cannot wrap my mind around it.

 

I agree. I don't WANT to wrap my brain around it.

 

It's one of the threads that makes me sad for the whole world.

 

I think I'll go to bed now and try not to think about it any longer.

[Barb_]

 

 

:confused::001_huh: I am flabbergarsted to the point of near speechless over the perspective of this post. Hate the girl? An attack? Didn't know he had sex? One time? Very, very drunk?

 

Are.you.kidding.me?

 

Keep reading, Joanne. It gets better.

[TammyS]

If she isn't asking for anything other than kindness and warmth, a few family stories, a connection to her past, and maybe a health history...can you imagine her deep hurt when he can't even give her that much?

 

She may think that is all she's asking for, but it won't be. If all she wanted was kindness and warmth, there are a million places you can go for that (I would have no problem with giving her a medical history). That isn't all she's looking for. She's looking for a parent and another family with all that goes with it. And she will have tons of issues that she will need/want to work through.

 

There are reasons that these things don't work out a very great deal of the time. She's grown and she would just have to live with it. It might even be the best for her. Speaking as someone whose father bailed while my mother was pregnant with a sibling (because he had impregnated another man's wife at the same time) and had four stepfathers after that, I know what a mess that situation would be. For me, my marriage, my children, and that girl. Better for everyone to just skip the pretense that we would somehow become a family and turn her away to begin with.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree. I don't WANT to wrap my brain around it.

 

It's one of the threads that makes me sad for the whole world.

 

I think I'll go to bed now and try not to think about it any longer.

 

I know. I feel as if we stumbled upon the aristocracy in Edwardian England. A few coins thrown over the gate for the upbringing of a bastard child, the legitimate family refusing to know them...

[Laurie4b]

I saw a family destroyed by late contact.

 

Once upon a time, when things were hard, mom was on public assistance.

 

Fast forward 19 years.

 

"Hi, I'm your kid."

 

Guess what happened to the mom after it was ratted out to the state by a PO'd relative of the fathers who didn't like the mom?

 

Forced paternity. Forced repayment of every dollar of help she ever got.

 

I'm somewhat confused by your post. Did the dad who didn't know he had a kid have to pay back child support or did the mom have to repay state assistance she got because she lied about the paternity? It sounds like the mom had to pay. If that is the case, the family was destroyed not by the late contact, but by the mother's decision to accept state assistance under false pretenses. Perhaps she felt she had good reason at the time, but if she lied to get the assistance, that's the cause of the problems. I can see that it's debatable if a mother should always have to give the father's name due to danger, etc, but that would be the responsibility of lawmakers ; I don't see how the "late contact" is responsible. The law just caught up with her late. No different than if she'd robbed a bank 19 years before because times were tough and someone ratted her out. (Or perhaps the father bore the consequences--can't tell from the post. It would stink for him if he was not aware he was a father then had to pay back child support on top of it--unless he was a bad sort and then the law stinks for forcing mothers trying to protect their children to reveal the identity of the father for the sake of collecting money ) But 19 year old's fault for trying to make contact? I don't see it.

[QueenCat]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

Seriously?

[QueenCat]

But that is exactly the point! If she isn't asking for anything other than kindness and warmth, a few family stories, a connection to her past, and maybe a health history...can you imagine her deep hurt when he can't even give her that much? The obligation to behave in a civilized manner to the child you fathered doesn't just end at 18.

 

:iagree:100000%

[TammyS]

no regard for the reality of a connection? Fatherhood is more than paying for the material support of a minor child.

 

There *IS NO* connection with a 20 year old grown woman who he didn't even know the existence of. And he can, at that point, not be a father in any meaningful way. The girl is raised, she is formed, whatever you want to call it. And since there had been no relationship, there is no relationship to continue.

[QueenCat]

There *IS NO* connection with a 20 year old grown woman who he didn't even know the existence of. And he can, at that point, not be a father in any meaningful way. The girl is raised, she is formed, whatever you want to call it. And since there had been no relationship, there is no relationship to continue.

 

Just blood.......... Did you not feel a connection to your child from the moment you knew of their existence????????????????????????????

[Joker]

She may think that is all she's asking for, but it won't be. If all she wanted was kindness and warmth, there are a million places you can go for that (I would have no problem with giving her a medical history). That isn't all she's looking for. She's looking for a parent and another family with all that goes with it. And she will have tons of issues that she will need/want to work through.

 

There are reasons that these things don't work out a very great deal of the time. She's grown and she would just have to live with it. It might even be the best for her. Speaking as someone whose father bailed while my mother was pregnant with a sibling (because he had impregnated another man's wife at the same time) and had four stepfathers after that, I know what a mess that situation would be. For me, my marriage, my children, and that girl. Better for everyone to just skip the pretense that we would somehow become a family and turn her away to begin with.

 

I honestly just don't get your POV. Why can't the girl look for a parent in her actual parent. I would expect my dh to man-up and be the dad he's supposed to be. Are you saying you would actually want your dh to turn his back on one of his children? Wouldn't you worry that he may then turn his back on one of his children with you? I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could easily turn his back on one of his children, whether he knew them at birth or not. You seem to be thinking of what is best for you, but I don't think you're really thinking of what would be best for your dh and other children. I can't imagine knowing that my dad turned his back on a sibling. I wouldn't respect him.

[QueenCat]

I honestly just don't get your POV. Why can't the girl look for a parent in her actual parent. I would expect my dh to man-up and be the dad he's supposed to be. Are you saying you would actually want your dh to turn his back on one of his children? Wouldn't you worry that he may then turn his back on one of his children with you? I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could easily turn his back on one of his children, whether he knew them at birth or not. You seem to be thinking of what is best for you, but I don't think you're really thinking of what would be best for your dh and other children. I can't imagine knowing that my dad turned his back on a sibling. I wouldn't respect him.

 

My thoughts exactly. I can't imagine respecting a man who wouldn't "own" one of his children, no matter when he found out about him/her.

[TammyS]

When your children are 20, you will realize that they are emotionally still as much children as they were at 6 and 8. Your children do not need to be protected from knowing they have an extra family member as much as the 20yo girl needs to be protected from your hateful attitude.

 

If my children have the emotional maturity of 6 or 8 year olds at 20 I will consider myself to have failed. I hold no truck with extended adolescence. At 20 I expect my children to be adults.

 

My attitude is not hateful. I wouldn't hate the girl. I wouldn't even dislike her. Even if I liked her (if, for some reason, I had accidentally known her before knowing she was my husband's biological child), it wouldn't change the reality that she was not a member of our family.

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

[Barb_]

There *IS NO* connection with a 20 year old grown woman who he didn't even know the existence of. And he can, at that point, not be a father in any meaningful way. The girl is raised, she is formed, whatever you want to call it. And since there had been no relationship, there is no relationship to continue.

 

There is an existential connection. At 20, she is not looking for a father, but for her past. How would it feel to look into the the eyes of someone that looks very much like yourself and have him basically say, "Go away. I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with you as a baby and I don't want anything to do with you now."

[hthnmamax2]

I would just like to say that I am extremely thankful that my bio grandfather and his wife did NOT have the attitude being displayed by a couple of the posters.

 

I tracked him down (with my Grandmother's permission) because of some health questions my Dad and I had. I found him a few years ago and to this day, I can still feel the fear of rejection I had when I made that first contact. I wasn't expecting anything as I just wanted medical history. Turned out his wife knew NOTHING about my Dad. Nothing. But we now talk once every couple of months, they send cards on my boys birthdays and holidays or little notes of congratulations or well wishes. They both opened their hearts and their arms to what amounted to total strangers. He will never replace my Papa, my Dad's step-father, but he makes a darn fine Grandfather/Great Grandfather on his own. All I wanted was medical info and what I got cannot even fully be expressed in words.

[Barb_]

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

 

If you read me as passive-aggressive then I didn't represent myself well. I meant to be entirely aggressive.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If my children have the emotional maturity of 6 or 8 year olds at 20 I will consider myself to have failed. I hold no truck with extended adolescence. At 20 I expect my children to be adults.

 

My attitude is not hateful. I wouldn't hate the girl. I wouldn't even dislike her. Even if I liked her (if, for some reason, I had accidentally known her before knowing she was my husband's biological child), it wouldn't change the reality that she was not a member of our family.

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

 

Calling your attitude hateful is not passive aggressive. It is an opinion spoken outright. The fact that you can't be convinced of the wrongness of your position, either by the naming of your attitude (hateful) or the remonstrations appealing toward your natural maternal instinct (failed), is becoming quite obvious.

[TammyS]

I would expect my dh to man-up and be the dad he's supposed to be. Are you saying you would actually want your dh to turn his back on one of his children?

 

<snip>

 

You seem to be thinking of what is best for you, but I don't think you're really thinking of what would be best for your dh and other children. I can't imagine knowing that my dad turned his back on a sibling. I wouldn't respect him.

 

There is nothing for him to man-up to with a 20 year old. Her upbringing is done. And if it's not, her damage is too profound for a daddy-come-lately. She needs a counselor in that case.

 

I am thinking of what would be best first for my children and then for my marriage. Both of those things dictate that the girl be turned away. It might seem "mean" on the surface, but it's less heartache for everyone in the long run. You can wish a family or relationship into existence. Look up the statistics on how these things turn out. It's not pretty.

[TammyS]

If you read me as passive-aggressive then I didn't represent myself well. I meant to be entirely aggressive.

 

That's fine. You can aggress if you want, but it's still not convincing.

[Joker]

If my children have the emotional maturity of 6 or 8 year olds at 20 I will consider myself to have failed. I hold no truck with extended adolescence. At 20 I expect my children to be adults.

 

My attitude is not hateful. I wouldn't hate the girl. I wouldn't even dislike her. Even if I liked her (if, for some reason, I had accidentally known her before knowing she was my husband's biological child), it wouldn't change the reality that she was not a member of our family.

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

 

You also cannot change the reality that, biologically, she would be a member of your dh's family. Your posts show that you would want to ignore that and just move on. What if your dh's family didn't wish to do the same and embraced her? Would you then cut them off as well?

[TammyS]

Calling your attitude hateful is not passive aggressive. It is an opinion spoken outright. The fact that you can't be convinced of the wrongness of your position, either by the naming of your attitude (hateful) or the remonstrations appealing toward your natural maternal instinct (failed), is becoming quite obvious.

 

There is nothing hateful about my attitude. As I stated, outright, I would not hate the girl. I would feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for lots of people. That doesn't mean that I allow them into my life.

 

Appealing to my maternal instinct is an appeal to emotion, not thought, so it wouldn't work. But if it would work, it would work towards my children, not those of others. And certainly not towards a grown woman.

[Joanne]

There is nothing for him to man-up to with a 20 year old. Her upbringing is done. And if it's not, her damage is too profound for a daddy-come-lately. She needs a counselor in that case.

 

I am thinking of what would be best first for my children and then for my marriage. Both of those things dictate that the girl be turned away. It might seem "mean" on the surface, but it's less heartache for everyone in the long run. You can wish a family or relationship into existence. Look up the statistics on how these things turn out. It's not pretty.

 

Denial of biology is not pretty, either.

 

The (bio) mother who kept a secret/denied all those years made a HUGE mistake, in most cases.

 

But the bio Dad? He was there when the now grown child was made. That is reality.

 

The child of the union has a right and reason for information. No one (reasonable) is talking about child-rearing her.

 

Edited to add: The need for biological connection, answers, information, and closure is well documented.

[Joker]

There is nothing for him to man-up to with a 20 year old. Her upbringing is done. And if it's not, her damage is too profound for a daddy-come-lately. She needs a counselor in that case.

 

I am thinking of what would be best first for my children and then for my marriage. Both of those things dictate that the girl be turned away. It might seem "mean" on the surface, but it's less heartache for everyone in the long run. You can wish a family or relationship into existence. Look up the statistics on how these things turn out. It's not pretty.

 

My dh's family is full of adoptees. Some have looked up biological family and it hasn't been ugly. Fortunately they don't feel the same as you on this.

[TammyS]

You also cannot change the reality that, biologically, she would be a member of your dh's family. Your posts show that you would want to ignore that and just move on. What if your dh's family didn't wish to do the same and embraced her? Would you then cut them off as well?

 

Biologically, she would be related, but not a family member. I wouldn't cut off my dh's family, but I would not support their decision and we would not participate in it.

[TammyS]

How would it feel to look into the the eyes of someone that looks very much like yourself and have him basically say, "Go away. I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with you as a baby and I don't want anything to do with you now."

 

BTDT. I survived. So will she.

 

ETA: we aren't talking about rejecting an infant, as your post above stated. The OP referred to someone who showed up out of the blue at 20. If my husband had a minor child, we would not have dated to begin with.

[Avila]

There is nothing hateful about my attitude. As I stated, outright, I would not hate the girl. I would feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for lots of people. That doesn't mean that I allow them into my life.

 

Appealing to my maternal instinct is an appeal to emotion, not thought, so it wouldn't work. But if it would work, it would work towards my children, not those of others. And certainly not towards a grown woman.

 

This is one of the most selfish things I have seen on here in awhile. By all means, consider only yourself. But don't be surprised when other people find that hateful (and a little delusional really).

[coffeefreak]

I know. I feel as if we stumbled upon the aristocracy in Edwardian England. A few coins thrown over the gate for the upbringing of a bastard child, the legitimate family refusing to know them...

 

:iagree:

I had so much to say and I'm so bothered by all this I'll just answer the OP's questions.

 

Yes, DH would be mad, at the mother, not the child. Yes, we would want to get to know the child. Yes, we would want a paternity test, but knowing my DH's past, it really wouldn't be necessary, he would know if the child was his. Would it be hard? ABSOLUTELY! It would be hard on all of us, but that's not the point! I love my husband, I would love his child too, just like I love our children together.

 

Now, if the child had been fathered during our marriage, I would need counseling. Serious, serious counseling. But that would not be the child's fault, it would be his. That's why I don't understand some of these comments! We're talking about PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS! Not an affair. How could you be angry with your spouse over something that happened previous to your relationship with him? Seriously?!?

 

OK, I need to stop typing now.

:rant:

Dorinda

[Lang Syne Boardie]

BTDT. I survived. So will she.

 

 

 

Oh. Now the reason for your bitterness is clear. I'm sorry you've been hurt so badly, and I hope you'll have occasion in your life to have that brokenness healed. I hope you'll seek out that help when you are ready.

[TammyS]

I hope those who call me "hateful" even after repeatedly stating that I would not hate or dislike the grown woman in question are teaching their children better rhetorical skills than appeal to emotion and attempted shaming. Neither is convincing.

[3browneyedboys4me]

:iagree::iagree:I know!!!!

 

 

 

 

:svengo: There haven't been many posts on this board in the past 12 years that have left me completely shocked and speechless. This one takes the cake.

[TammyS]

Oh. Now the reason for your bitterness is clear. I'm sorry you've been hurt so badly, and I hope you'll have occasion in your life to have that brokenness healed. I hope you'll seek out that help when you are ready.

 

I'm not bitter. My heart is fine.

 

Just because you are unable to convince me that my position is right and yours wrong is no logical reason for you to make assumptions about my state of mind. It does say something for your ability to argue a position logically, however.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

If my children have the emotional maturity of 6 or 8 year olds at 20 I will consider myself to have failed. I hold no truck with extended adolescence. At 20 I expect my children to be adults.

 

My attitude is not hateful. I wouldn't hate the girl. I wouldn't even dislike her. Even if I liked her (if, for some reason, I had accidentally known her before knowing she was my husband's biological child), it wouldn't change the reality that she was not a member of our family.

 

And passive-aggressive techniques such as calling someone's attitude hateful is not at all convincing.

 

I don't know if hateful is the right word, but it is close enough. I won't say anymore as I don't feel like taking a banning right now.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm not bitter. My heart is fine.

 

Just because you are unable to convince me that my position is right and yours wrong is no logical reason for you to make assumptions about my state of mind. It does say something for your ability to argue a position logically, however.

 

No, you've said it several times but I only just now heard it.

 

You have been the daughter in this situation, and your biological father rejected you.

 

That is why you feel as you do. You've explained yourself.

 

And I really do hope you'll see that you are not fine about this, and I hope that realization will lead you to seek help. I'm so sorry for the hurt you've experienced.