"Surprise! You're my dad!" WWYD?

[EmilyK]

And common sense. I did say "most likely" and do believe that most likely, she had a very good idea who the father was. Why would her ability to figure that out get better after 20 years?

 

Agreed. (I, of course, am not doubting the OP, but I think we are having a broader conversation.) But having seen a lot of these situations as a lawyer and a few personally, in almost all cases it wasn't impossible to find the dad. Mom just didn't want to for all the reasons said above, and then when child was interested, said she couldn't previously.

 

I also think the poster above who said we'd like to think we would handle this well IRL, but might not, at least at first, was probably right.

 

In one case I know IRL there is a lot of anger that the daughter didn't come forward in time to know her father and sister, but only when there was a possible inheritance. I'm trying to get everyone past that, but it is hard.

[ktgrok]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

By that logic, does that mean you are ok with your husband turning his back on the kids you have together, once they are 18?

[elegantlion]

If my husband felt no obligation to a child he'd brought into this world, even if he didn't meet that child until she was 18 years old, he would not be the man I love. He would not be the man I married.

 

 

 

I'd never be able to get his rejected daughter out of mind. Never.

 

:iagree:

 

I quoted a bunch of other people but deleted them. My response?

 

HOLY SMOKES, Batman! Stop the Batmobile!

 

Seriously, it's christian to reject an out of wedlock child who knocks on your door 20 years later? Well that would negate the entire religion of christianity then! How do you think Joseph felt when Mary said she was pregnant with the child of God? Divinely inspired, but seriously out of wedlock. Aren't there books, verses, songs that describe the way Joseph opted to accept this information? I haven't done a cultural study, but how would Mary have been rejected as being a single pregnant woman in those times? HUM?

 

As for the 20 years and Hi dad. Well I can tell you at 20 they ain't all grown up. Even if they are mature and don't "need" a father, isn't there something so christian about a child in search of their father? How utterly unchristian to reject a person you helped create in the name of christianity. Don't tarnish my religion with the self-righteous crap. No wonder people turn away from religion. We are ALL sinners, be sure your sins will find you out. If you think sex outside of marriage is a sin and the outcome of your "sin" comes knocking on the door in 20 years, well, don't blame the child.

 

People don't just forget about their parents. In my immediate family I have one man who was rejected by his own father and one whose father died when he was young. It's an endless debate of who had it worse. I've seen two of men I hold most dear to me in anguish because of the loss of a relationship with a father.

 

I am dumbfounded by some of the hateful and bitter tones on this thread. It's America, feel anyway you want. People do stupid and hateful and bitter things to each other every day. Just don't drag religion into it.

[lionfamily1999]

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She doesn't need him, or anyone else, to raise her, because she's already been raised. Even if he had raised her from birth, at this point he would have no obligation to her.

 

In this instance she is very much a child. When you stand there facing a parent you never knew, you are a child carrying the baggage of an adult.

 

Heck. I know my parents, they raised me, but I still revert back to needing my mom and then, I am a child. How much harder must it be to put yourself, your hope, your fear of rejection, your self doubt, and your innate desire for parental acceptance on the table in front of a stranger who has the power to cut you deep.

[mommaduck]

I say this as a person who has a father with no blood ties. He is my dad, but I don't see how the man did it. I would not in any way accept a child in my home under those circumastances. There would be no choice as I would leave period. I do not and will not get invlolved with a man who has children. I would hate the mother for her lies. I would not be happy.

I also grew up with a stepdad. It wasn't perfect, there were issues, but it was definitely better than no dad. And truthfully, I still would not turn away a stepchild. My goal would be to be a BETTER stepparent than he was. If I were to follow your theory, then I should not have been a mother. My mother was a lousy mother. I determined to be a better mother, in fact, the best mother I'm capable of being. I succeeded in that. She had even told me that she admired me for it. I've had other friends that had lousy parents and stepparents. It drove them to be awesome parents.

[ktgrok]

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

 

:iagree: well said! I keep trying to figure out how logic has anything whatsoever to do with family ties and emotion.

[mommaduck]

In this instance she is very much a child. When you stand there facing a parent you never knew, you are a child carrying the baggage of an adult.

 

Heck. I know my parents, they raised me, but I still revert back to needing my mom and then, I am a child. How much harder must it be to put yourself, your hope, your fear of rejection, your self doubt, and your innate desire for parental acceptance on the table in front of a stranger who has the power to cut you deep.

:iagree:

 

I almost think it's failure if your child doesn't ever feel the need for their parent, even once they're an adult. I'm not talking about them being emotionally needy to an unhealthy point, but rather normal emotions. I would have to ask Joanne about the psychology on that one.

[mommaduck]

If you think love and family are governed purely by the rules of logic, you're doing it wrong.

:iagree: We're not Vulcans. Even Spock was a bit messed up by such Vulcan thinking, because he was Human also ;)

[d.g.]

Wow. Just... wow.

 

I've never known my father. From what I understand, I was a baby when my mother left him, and have no reliable information as to the reasons for leaving, or where he might be now. I grew up with a long string of stepfathers (4) and near-stepfathers (about a dozen), but none of them was ever "Dad" to me.

 

I'm nearly 30, so I don't need "raising" and I don't need a loving Daddy to take care of me or advise me. However, I would LOVE to have some sort of family history from my father's side, even if just a medical history. Instead, I have a big blank spot in my life that can't be filled.

 

To think that I would be blamed, and even punished, for trying to fill in that blank spot when the reason for it is not my fault... there just aren't any words.

[Girl Power]

From a womans point of view, I would be devasted if it were my husband. Our marriage would not survive it I know this as fact. I would never involve myself with a man who had children at all period.

 

To find this out years later it would be a divorce. Maybe that is stupid to some people but that is not what I would sign up for I don't want that type of situation in my life. I would never deal with that whole step parent thing it is not who I am and I don't want it in any way. I know that sounds cruel but I would be livid.

 

I say this as a person who has a father with no blood ties. He is my dad, but I don't see how the man did it. I would not in any way accept a child in my home under those circumastances. There would be no choice as I would leave period. I do not and will not get invlolved with a man who has children. I would hate the mother for her lies. I would not be happy.

 

 

Wait . . . You refer to your boyfriend . . . You have children . . . Yet you feel this adament about "accepting" someone else's child:confused:

 

Beck

[*Lulu*]

My father met his Bio-dad for the first time this year. Both men were profoundly moved, my bio-grandfather cried and clung to my dad. After almost 60 years seeing the son who he has known about but never seen or held was overwhelming for him. For my father, who has only known about his bio-dad's existence for about 10 years, it was the starting place for some healing of very old wounds.

 

I am glad when I made the first contact with my bio-grandfather and asked if my father could contact him he was of a different mindset than many posters to this thread. While it is true that adult children do not have to have relationships with thier parents, it is my very personal experience that when we don't there is a grieving process of sorts because, even as adults, we have a need for the support and love that good adult parental relationships provide.

 

Life is messy. Family doesn't always fit in a nice little box. Sometimes we get put into a situation we would never chose simply by virtue of who we love and share ties to. Some of my grandmothers' advice seems to fit here:

 

-"Two wrongs don't ever make a right."

 

-"Of course it feels hard to do the right thing. No matter what self-righteous people try to tell you, remember, the right thing usually is the hard thing. If the right thing was always easy the world wouldn't be such a mess!"

[lionfamily1999]

:iagree:

 

I almost think it's failure if your child doesn't ever feel the need for their parent, even once they're an adult. I'm not talking about them being emotionally needy to an unhealthy point, but rather normal emotions. I would have to ask Joanne about the psychology on that one.

 

Imo, it would mean they didn't trust me to be there when they needed me.

 

When my world flips upside down I know dh will walk beside me, but my mom and dad ...

 

Carp. Finish that how you wish, can't see to type.

[Juniper]

BTDT. I survived. So will she.

 

ETA: we aren't talking about rejecting an infant, as your post above stated. The OP referred to someone who showed up out of the blue at 20. If my husband had a minor child, we would not have dated to begin with.

 

You know what I have BTDT as an adult as well, and my "would be" step-mom has reacted very similarly to what some people have said would be their reaction.

 

All, I can say, is she is probably the lowest most spitefully selfish person I have ever met and bio Dad is a complete loser for staying married to her on such terms. :glare:

 

Thankfully, I had a wonderful Grandfather who really filled that role. Even with that said, it is a gaping hole in my heart and if my Dad were to apologize tomorrow for his marital cowardice and paternal lazyness, I would forgive him. Dad's are important.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Juniper

[marbel]

And common sense. I did say "most likely" and do believe that most likely, she had a very good idea who the father was. Why would her ability to figure that out get better after 20 years?

 

Ah, I see. Experience in the field; makes sense. I don't want to argue. ;) I could see lots of ways the mother's story make sense. But, your perspective is a lot different from mine.

 

I just am often amazed at the powers of inference of people on the internet, who decide that someone else's story is not the way they tell it - not everyone says "most likely," know what I mean?

[Juniper]

Imo, it would mean they didn't trust me to be there when they needed me.

 

When my world flips upside down I know dh will walk beside me, but my mom and dad ...

 

Carp. Finish that how you wish, can't see to type.

 

I am not sure if I read this wrong, so please forgive me if I have misinterpreted. My mother felt very similar when I was teenager. Just a few months ago, we were sitting on a beach in Florida, and she told me a story about something our family therapist had said. Mu mom had really wanted me to both know I was secure with her and acknowledge my anger at my bio dad. The counselor gently informed her that he would always be my DAD. I would view the relationship as the daughter who was rejected. I love my mom and I know she will always be there, but she cannot replace an absentee Father.

 

Thankfully, she sowed really good seeds into me, that have allowed me to go one, through the pain, to have a wonderful marriage and family of my own. :001_smile:

[Danestress]

Ah, I see. Experience in the field; makes sense. I don't want to argue. ;) I just am often amazed at the powers of inference of people on the internet, who decide that someone else's story is not the way they tell it - not everyone says "most likely," know what I mean?

 

I would also say that the op wasn't super clear on the details of when the mom put the paternity puzzle together. A lot of people have written about how mad they would be at the mom. Why be mad if she honestly had no idea who the dad was until 20 years later? I would think they are assuming what I am assuming from the first post - that the mom could have put this together and made introductions earlier but delayed. But I could be wrong. Stranger things have happened.

[Impish]

When my maternal unit split w/her first dh, she kept me and gave up custody of my younger brother. Her and her new dh didn't want her ex having visitation, it was a way to pretend it had never happened.

 

I was 4. Younger bro was 1.

 

Fast forward 8 yrs. Ex SIL calls my mom, younger bro is at her place, wants to meet. We spent 2 wks visiting.

 

He called SIL at Christmas, wanted to talk to us...my mother refused, told her ex SIL that, "He's dead to me." and hung up. It was too upsetting to her, her dh, and having to tell my younger sibs that she'd been married before. She preferred to ignore his existance.

 

As a kid in that situation, the knowledge that she'd so easily reject one of her children def gave us a clear insight of how easily disposable we were if we displeased her.

 

I also find it interesting that pps think that they will have the final say in what happens. Not taking any interest in how their dh would feel, just issue ultimatums about what must happen.

[AllBoys]

There is nothing hateful about my attitude. As I stated, outright, I would not hate the girl. I would feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for lots of people. That doesn't mean that I allow them into my life.

 

Appealing to my maternal instinct is an appeal to emotion, not thought, so it wouldn't work. But if it would work, it would work towards my children, not those of others. And certainly not towards a grown woman.

 

She is your step-daughter, you said your marriage is important to you so your step-daughter should be too, and when your children are older I hope you still see the need to offer them familial support. This makes me so sad.

[Parrothead]

By that logic, does that mean you are ok with your husband turning his back on the kids you have together, once they are 18?

More to the point is, will TS feel that she is finished with her children when they are 18. No more relationship. No knowing any grandchildren. Nothing. "See ya. Have a nice life. If you need anything don't bother to call."

[Parrothead]

You know what I have BTDT as an adult as well, and my "would be" step-mom has reacted very similarly to what some people have said would be their reaction.

 

All, I can say, is she is probably the lowest most spitefully selfish person I have ever met and bio Dad is a complete loser for staying married to her on such terms. :glare:

 

Thankfully, I had a wonderful Grandfather who really filled that role. Even with that said, it is a gaping hole in my heart and if my Dad were to apologize tomorrow for his marital cowardice and paternal lazyness, I would forgive him. Dad's are important.

:grouphug:

[Skyline]

This happened to my family. Years ago my father was contacted through Facebook by a woman claiming to be his daughter. She was, and while it took my father some time to reply he did and the only change in our life is that the number of people we consider to be family got a little bit larger.

 

At first I was mad at the mother. Mad that she kept this from my father and never gave him that chance to raise his daughter. My father is a family man and knowing he had fathered a child he would probably stayed in the community but he was miserable in that town. That is ultimately why their relationship ended and he moved to the city. I think she knew that, knew that he wouldn’t have been happy there and I’d like to think that she did was what she thought was the best choice at the time and I cannot fault her for that. Ultimately if she hadn’t made this choice for my father then maybe he never would have met my mother and my whole family would not be. How can I be mad at a woman when her choices may have given me the family that I love?

 

In the end my parents 30+ year marriage is still going strong and I have not only another sister to love but also a niece and a nephew I am getting to know. Love does not divide it multiples and I could not imagine knowing I had a sister and not accepting her into the family.

[deacongirl]

Wow--as the mother of an adoptee I am thankful for the majoriy of compassionate responses. I will fully support my dd in whatever path she wishes to take in the future, knowing that it would be messy and that she might face rejection. (Sadly for her, because she was adopted internationally searching is likely not going to be an option.) This was something I just never understood--for example with the John Edward's situation, his wife's rejection of the child. (of course different situation b/c she was a result of infidelity) but she is the half-sibling to Elizabeth's children. It would be difficult, but I can't imagine denying my children that relationship, no matter how painful it might be for me. I like the grandmother's advice above.

[pdalley]

Wow. :001_huh:

 

If it were not for my stepmother then I would have had NO relationship with my Dad. I thank God that she reached out to us - repeatedly and wasn't afraid of the children my father had during his first marriage.

 

My husband is 15 yrs my senior. Neither of us harbor any illusions that we have lives before we met each other that did not reflect the standards we hold now. If he had an adult child then that child would be part of him. I cannot see myself rejecting - without some evidence the person was coming with an agenda - any child of his that was conceived before we ever met. Nor he mine.

 

I was not a Christian then and neither was he. But some of the holier than thou attitudes displayed by Christians just leave me shaking my head. The church is supposedly full of sinners - not the righteous.

[Veritaserum]

Both of my mom's parents were married to other people before they married each other. My grandma was widowed and had a young son. My grabdpa's first wife left him. She took their daughter, but abandoned their son because he was adopted and "not blood." When my grandpa married my grandma, she loved my uncle as her own child. I can't imagine how horrible it was for him to have a sense of loss about his bio family AND to have been abandoned by the only mother he knew. I am so glad that my grandma didn't reject him, too. She also developed a close relationship with my aunt, even though my aunt didn't live with them or visit much.

[Pippen]

I would also say that the op wasn't super clear on the details of when the mom put the paternity puzzle together. A lot of people have written about how mad they would be at the mom. Why be mad if she honestly had no idea who the dad was until 20 years later? I would think they are assuming what I am assuming from the first post - that the mom could have put this together and made introductions earlier but delayed. But I could be wrong. Stranger things have happened.

 

I'm still confused about only later putting the paternity puzzle together. The only sure way to do that is through DNA testing, otherwise if there were multiple possibilities, it's total guesswork.

[In the Rain]

Wow, Shiny. I hope your sister and niece don't read this thread. :001_huh: I'm kind of surprised by the hostility of some of the responses.

[WiseOwlKnits]

I would open any child from a previous relationship of DH's with open arms. I wouldn't be able to make up for the time where s/he didn't know my DH or him her, but I would help ensure that they didn't lose any more time.

[mommaduck]

Shiny, prayers for your niece on doing this. I nearly found my dad shortly after my marriage (19yrs old), but I knew I was not ready for it if it went badly. I didn't then know the details of my mother and father's issues (just a few basic facts). I wish I had in one respect (my grandparents died within the next two years, my sisters were in bad situations and my brother was shoved into foster care). I did find them later. I was disowned by my step/adoptive father (yes, because I made contact with my bio-aunt and found I had a rather LARGE family, some of whom had looked for me). And there has been way more good than there has been bad. I don't really have a relationship with my dad, but I do with my siblings, cousins, etc.

 

All that to say, she needs to be prepared for the mixed bag. There is good, bad, and ugly in every family. She needs to accept what she finds as she finds it.

[melmichigan]

If I dated a man now he would have no children.

 

I have a hard time understanding this. You would be asking someone to do with your children what you aren't willing or able to do? I guess I give you credit for knowing your boundaries, I'm just not sure how this bodes for any future relationships.

[DarlaS]

I'm still confused about only later putting the paternity puzzle together. The only sure way to do that is through DNA testing, otherwise if there were multiple possibilities, it's total guesswork.

 

Sometimes after a time, the child's appearance might make it glaringly obvious who his/her dad is. Especially in certain circumstances where one possible father had a distinctly different appearance from any other/s.

[Impish]

I have a hard time understanding this. You would be asking someone to do with your children what you aren't willing or able to do? I guess I give you credit for knowing your boundaries, I'm just not sure how this bodes for any future relationships.

As a single mom, I tended to date men w/out children. Had nothing to do w/not being willing to be a step parent, had to do w/the few times I attempted it, the mom was more than I could deal w/. I didn't need some crazy wench at my door, screaming at me, calling me names, b/c I was dating her ex over a yr after they divorced :glare:

 

Wolf didn't have kids when we met (at least, as far as we know...he wasn't exactly the most 'well behaved' guy in his single yrs).

[Mom23Boys]

I have read this whole thread and it makes me so sad. As far as whoever said that the child is an adult and doesn't need her dad...I strongly disagree.

 

My dad was killed in a car accident when I was 5. Several years later, my mom remarried and her new husband adopted all 4 of us kids. He raised me from the time I was 8 until adulthood. He passed away from cancer 5.5 years ago.

 

I still need and miss my dad. Actually, both dads for different reasons. My biological one mostly for that sense of being connected to my blood family. He was a good dad, but I was young and don't have as many memories of him.

 

I miss my adoptive father - who was my dad in every sense of the word (except by blood). I miss his guidance, watching him play with my kids. He never got to know my youngest. He held him once and then died 3 days later. My dad "got" me in ways my mom never did/will. Just because I am 32, doesn't mean I don't still need my dad. I do. I just can't have have him.

[aggieamy]

I had a bunch of replies typed up and decided to delete them. There's really no response to hateful and mean. I'm pretty sure that all these "good Christian men and women" rejecting children are making Jesus sad today.

[mommaduck]

I have a hard time understanding this. You would be asking someone to do with your children what you aren't willing or able to do? I guess I give you credit for knowing your boundaries, I'm just not sure how this bodes for any future relationships.

My mother was like this. It was okay for her husband to take on her kid (me), but she didn't want anything to do with his responsibilities (he eventually had custody of his nephew...who later was put up for adoption because of my mother). My theory is that it's easy to be selfish and there's a lot of insecurity.

[beaners]

I have a friend who was overjoyed when an adult woman with children of her own contacted him to tell him that she was his daughter. I'm sure their relationship isn't perfect, but my relationship with my own parents isn't perfect either. Some of these stories do have pleasant outcomes.

[shinyhappypeople]

And common sense. I did say "most likely" and do believe that most likely, she had a very good idea who the father was. Why would her ability to figure that out get better after 20 years?

 

I believe her when she said she didn't put 2 and 2 together about D's (probable) father. I know it sounds far fetched and it would not have taken me long at all to figure it out, but she's not me, extenuating circumstances, etc. again "You do what you know, when you know better we do better." I love that quote and very true in this situation.

[swellmomma]

:grouphug: first and foremost to your neice, what a hard thing at such a young age.

 

I am really shocked at the venom by some of the posters. Clarkacademy I am really shocked by you, never thought you would be one with that type of thinking.

 

My situation is not like the OP but in someways it could be. My youngest 2 kids do not know their fathers. They were each fathered by men who willingly wanted to be nothing more than a donor. With ds8 I don't even know the guy's real name. For the first 5 years after ds was born he called once a year to check in and give me some medical history. When I was ready for a 4th I first opted to go with him again, however I miscarried and given his health issues opted to find a healthier donor. At that point he stopped contact. He has never met ds, ds has never met him. The only way for contact to happen would be for him to track us down. I regret the choices I made back then. Ds8 wants a father. He tells me often to get remarried so he can have a dad. He doesn't want to live with his biodad, he just wants to meet him. I don't see that changing when he becomes an adult. With dd4 again I used a donor. He contacts us once a year usually to see about a booty call (which never happens) when he is back in the country. Even knowing who he is, and his name he spends the vast majority of his year working over seas in various locations, it would be darn near impossible to get in contact with him. DD is still too young to care but I imagine she will be like ds one day and at the very least be curious.

 

I would hate for my kids to be rejected by their biodads one day STRICTLY because of his current wife. Because our situation is unique in that both adult parties went into knowing who the bio parents would be but with the biodad just being a donor, it is not a case of the wool being pulled over his eyes. However I would not expect him to tell his wife that he had a child out there either, strictly because it was a donor situation. That does not mean that perhaps one day one of them would want contact kwim.

 

As for dating/marriage to a man with a kid. As a single parent I have actually preferred dating guys with kids, they know what parenthood entails and are more accepting of the limitations having children place on a person. If I married someone and years down the line someone came out of the woodwork with claims of paternity, I would be shocked initially but ultimately that person is blood. Blood comes first imo. Yes it would be messy, but she would be of my husbands blood. I could no sooner turn her away than I would turn away the children we have together. That unknown child may not be blood of my blood, but close enough. She would be family. And family trumps messy everytime.

[lionfamily1999]

I am not sure if I read this wrong, so please forgive me if I have misinterpreted. My mother felt very similar when I was teenager. Just a few months ago, we were sitting on a beach in Florida, and she told me a story about something our family therapist had said. Mu mom had really wanted me to both know I was secure with her and acknowledge my anger at my bio dad. The counselor gently informed her that he would always be my DAD. I would view the relationship as the daughter who was rejected. I love my mom and I know she will always be there, but she cannot replace an absentee Father.

 

Thankfully, she sowed really good seeds into me, that have allowed me to go one, through the pain, to have a wonderful marriage and family of my own. :001_smile:

 

I agree with you. I was trying to say that even now as an adult I need my parents. I still turn to them, even though I have dh steadfastly walking beside me, there are just some things that require a mom or dad. If my dc never needed me once they were 18 I would feel like I had messed things up and left them unable to trust me.

 

Both of my parents are ill at this point and I find it difficult to articulate just how important their presence in my life is. It doesn't help that thinking of all this gives me vision problems.

[Murphy101]

Just blood.......... Did you not feel a connection to your child from the moment you knew of their existence????????????????????????????

 

Lots of people don't. Nothing new there. And it doesn't mean they don't love the children they raise very very much. It means for them, the connection isn't instant. Good grief, many mothers don't instantly feel a bond with their babies. For MANY people, the connection is not instant. It's built over time.

 

I haven't read all the posts. I'm kinda feeling bad for Tammy. An opinion was asked and she gave hers. Fine. And she has made life decisions to avoid having to be in a situation to do that. Fine.

 

My opinions?

 

If I married a man that I knew had a shady past, then I would accept that was part of the package when I married him. In that situation, I would not be at all keen to welcome a stranger into our lives, but I wouldn't prevent him from getting to know her if he was so inclined. That's the hazard I took when I married him. He would be furious that he wasn't told and wouldn't believe for a minute that she couldn't have found him.

 

But I didn't. And I don't think I ever would. I never ever want to deal with being a step mom and divorce or so forth. We know many people who are divorced and remarried and all the contortionist dynamics it involves for them and their children. I know 3 who have had a 1/2 sister or brother from their parents youth enter their lives. I've yet to see a happy result. What I have seen are some deep regrets, resentment, drama, and pain. I simply have zero desire to enter into that situation for myself and even less for my children.

 

I'm see no reason to contact a relative I have never met before. I'm see no purpose to creating family drama. Maybe this is like people who claim they are desperate for a family history. I don't get that either. I could not care less where my grandmother was born. I don't even know her full name. I just don't care about that stuff and I certainly don't understand a grown woman having emotional upheaval about it. So part of my response is naturally going to be based upon my own personality.

 

Mostly I think it sucks that this woman didn't have a mother who at least gave her chance for a father. But there is far worse in life and it appears her mother did her best to raise her well. What she makes of her life now is up to her, not her mom and not a man she has never met before. I wish her the best of luck and hope it ends better for everyone in her life than every example I've personally encountered.

 

ETA: and really what someone would want to do is moot. What they would have to do is figure out how to deal with whatever decision their dh decided was best. If my dh remembered the bio mom has a lunatic he is grateful to have escaped and thus he wants nothing whatsoever to do with anyone attached to her, I would respect that. If my dh wanted to meant her, I would respect that. Given I have been wi my dh since we were 16, it's not likely an issue here. Well I guess if he had a woman in the side it would be. In which case, that would be an entire other mess and I likely wouldn't have anything to do with the girl or him for a very long time.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Martha

[KS_]

So, anyway, it got me thinking: what would you do if your DH got a message like this? What would your DH (or if you're a guy, YOU) do if you found out that you have a child you'd never known about? Would the age of the child make a difference?

 

 

Dh and I have actually mentioned that it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility of this happening to him. At this point, the kid would have to be an adult. My main concern would be for my kids - it would be a huge shock and probably something difficult for them to grasp (there's a lot of dysfunction in the extended family, but nothing that close to home). We'd be open to the relationship, but would most likely want to have paternity testing before getting too involved.

[JoLuRu]

 

I'm see no reason to contact a relative I have never met before. I'm see no purpose to creating family drama. Maybe this is like people who claim they are desperate for a family history. I don't get that either. I could not care less where my grandmother was born. I don't even know her full name. I just don't care about that stuff and I certainly don't understand a grown woman having emotional upheaval about it.

 

Family history is important for some people. Perhaps that's not you experience, but many people want the connection to the people who came before them. There is a thriving genealogy research community for just this reason!

 

I've done genealogy and was able to find a great uncle who my dad never knew. He was welcoming, kind, and my dad and I were able to learn so much about our family from this uncle. He passed on a few years back and I was especially glad that we'd had a chance to communicate so those family stories could be passed along.

 

Just because those things aren't important to you doesn't meant they're not important to others, and I don't fault anyone for wanting to connect with a relative, especially one as biologically close as a father.

[Jennifer3141]

Dh and I have actually mentioned that it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility of this happening to him. At this point, the kid would have to be an adult. My main concern would be for my kids - it would be a huge shock and probably something difficult for them to grasp (there's a lot of dysfunction in the extended family, but nothing that close to home). We'd be open to the relationship, but would most likely want to have paternity testing before getting too involved.

 

 

It could happen to my DH someday too.

 

I think we'd all be shocked and annoyed that the mother didn't allow DH to be a part of his child's life but after we had confirmed that said child really was his, welcome to the family!!

 

And I'd tease DH about the complications of condoms for the rest of his natural life... :D

[Dobela]

Don't forget there may be grandparents, too. Heck, when my mother found out one of her sons had a been a semen donor, she quietly and politely pined to meet any of those children. I don't know that she ever said a word to that brother, but she said it to me, and my mother was *very stoic*.

This. My BIL and his wife were having marriage and substance abuse issues when they decided to place their children up for adoption in another state. They were elementary ages and this was the 1970s. They didn't ask for family help or advice. The children would be in their 30s now and TO THIS DAY my MIL waits for them to come find her so she can love on them again. My SILs would have raised them if asked. Their names are on the family tree. When my FIL died, their names were listed in the obituary that was published.

 

My dh was married twice before and may have had other relationships. If he had a child suddenly appear at our door, it would be a shock. And while it may take some time for dh and I to work thru our emotions, I have no doubt that extended family would be very welcoming to the 'lost child' while we worked thru whatever we needed to work thru.

[mommaduck]

I'm see no reason to contact a relative I have never met before. I'm see no purpose to creating family drama. Maybe this is like people who claim they are desperate for a family history. I don't get that either. I could not care less where my grandmother was born. I don't even know her full name. I just don't care about that stuff and I certainly don't understand a grown woman having emotional upheaval about it. So part of my response is naturally going to be based upon my own personality.

 

I know that some people think this way. Equally, I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to know. I may be personality. It also may be on whether you grew up with a fairly normal family dynamic or not.

 

I will say that my MIL feels this way (she literally cared less about anything I found out about her family...in one ear and out the other). However, it's very important to my DH. So much has been lost or hidden and it's been a pain and a joy trying to dig into.

[mommaduck]

This. My BIL and his wife were having marriage and substance abuse issues when they decided to place their children up for adoption in another state. They were elementary ages and this was the 1970s. They didn't ask for family help or advice. The children would be in their 30s now and TO THIS DAY my MIL waits for them to come find her so she can love on them again. My SILs would have raised them if asked. Their names are on the family tree. When my FIL died, their names were listed in the obituary that was published.

 

My dh was married twice before and may have had other relationships. If he had a child suddenly appear at our door, it would be a shock. And while it may take some time for dh and I to work thru our emotions, I have no doubt that extended family would be very welcoming to the 'lost child' while we worked thru whatever we needed to work thru.

I have to tell you that when I contacted my Aunt, she had told me that my grandmother had insisted that I be included in my grandfather's obituary (and I was likewise included in her's). Granted, it was only counting the number of grandchildren, but that number included me. That meant so much to me!

[clarkacademy]

Wait . . . You refer to your boyfriend . . . You have children . . . Yet you feel this adament about "accepting" someone else's child:confused:

 

Beck

 

 

I don't have a boyfriend....I spoke of a boy I dated briefly in highschool but as today a mom with 4 kids no I have no boyfriends I am sorry if you misunderstood I apologize. I always said I would never get involved with a man who has children I went aganst it once and it ended exactly as I always feared so never again. But to clarify I would never expect a man to raise my children, they have a dad a very very involved dad.

 

I thank God everyday that I have my dad I don't diss step parenting at all I have greatrespect but it is not something I could do. I love my dad he is my dad but it took so many years to get there to me it is not worth it. I am glad I have my dad I wouldn't trade him for anything but I saw what all the your kid my kid did to them when we were young and my parents are saints because I would never make this choice.

 

I do not know how I would react if someone had come along having a baby by my kids dad I just don't know. I know myself now as it is the presence right now I would not be involved with a man who has children and if it came about someday I did get married or whatever and he had a come lately kid I know that would end it for me.

 

Would I leave a relationship with MY chi;ldrens father I don't know I can't answer that.

[Murphy101]

Family history is important for some people. Perhaps that's not you experience, but many people want the connection to the people who came before them. There is a thriving genealogy research community for just this reason!

 

I've done genealogy and was able to find a great uncle who my dad never knew. He was welcoming, kind, and my dad and I were able to learn so much about our family from this uncle. He passed on a few years back and I was especially glad that we'd had a chance to communicate so those family stories could be passed along.

 

Just because those things aren't important to you doesn't meant they're not important to others, and I don't fault anyone for wanting to connect with a relative, especially one as biologically close as a father.

 

I didn't say that it isn't important to others. Why does that mean it has to become important to me? I simply state that it does not mean that at all.

 

I have a sister who is VERY into geneology and it's caused many hard feelings. If she wants to be into it, fine. Whatever. But I have zero desire to participate. It's fine that she is interested, but that doesn't obligate anyone else to be so inclined.

[Murphy101]

So much has been lost or hidden and it's been a pain and a joy trying to dig into.

 

 

See now I figure if they wanted me to know. They wouldn't have hidden it and it's disrespectful to their privacy to dig up what they left buried. If it was important, they wouldn't have lost it.:)

[clarkacademy]

I have a hard time understanding this. You would be asking someone to do with your children what you aren't willing or able to do? I guess I give you credit for knowing your boundaries, I'm just not sure how this bodes for any future relationships.

 

No I am not. I would never expect a man other than their dad to have anything to do with them. I understand that choice may not be right for some but it is for our kids. Him and I both do not want any of that step parenting blah blah stuff in our kids lives.

 

Even seperated we stick to that belief. As for future relationships then again this is our choice for our kids we can't get along we both love each other very very much there is no point in having a relationship with anaother man if I ever feel the need the children would not be part of that.

 

I know it is weird but my kids aren't living like that. If I wanted that life it would be after the children are grown and gone because I want no other man to daddy them. I don't want another man taking moments that belong to their father. Their father has anger issues I can't live with but they love him and he does his best over them. We have no respect for each other other than being their parents.

 

We still go on family vacations together and celebrate holidays the kids have one set of parents and that is all they need. To me this is the best choice for them and their dad agrees.

[Plucky]

No I am not. I would never expect a man other than their dad to have anything to do with them. I understand that choice may not be right for some but it is for our kids. Him and I both do not want any of that step parenting blah blah stuff in our kids lives.

 

Even seperated we stick to that belief. As for future relationships then again this is our choice for our kids we can't get along we both love each other very very much there is no point in having a relationship with anaother man if I ever feel the need the children would not be part of that.

 

I know it is weird but my kids aren't living like that. If I wanted that life it would be after the children are grown and gone because I want no other man to daddy them. I don't want another man taking moments that belong to their father. Their father has anger issues I can't live with but they love him and he does his best over them. We have no respect for each other other than being their parents.

 

We still go on family vacations together and celebrate holidays the kids have one set of parents and that is all they need. To me this is the best choice for them and their dad agrees.

 

But things may change. It is very likely that your kids dad may meet someone and fall in love.