Sometimes Homeschooling Breaks My Heart - Birthday Party WWYD?

[Caraway]

UPDATED in post #64

 

Disclaimer: I know that this isn't all about homeschooling - but it feels like it is because it goes straight to my own fears about homeschooling, friendship, acceptance, etc...

 

Background: We met the W family almost nine years ago when our oldest children were infants. I would consider them our closest local friends. My middle daughter and their youngest are a few months apart in age. So, at the beginning of this year their mom suggested we lead a Scout group so that our girls could go through GS together. Plus this would be a great way to get them together since they didn't naturally see each other at school.

 

So, Scouts has been going well, and our daughters sit next to each other, hang out after the meeting, etc... This Thursday is our final Scout meeting of the year. And it is also their daughter's birthday.

 

Yesterday their mom calls to discuss our meeting. I say that I haven't totally nailed down my plans yet. So she says that yes, they have also been very busy getting ready for her daughter's birthday party.

 

So, based on what she said, her daughter is having a birthday party today with a group of girls at a swimming pool. Probably including some of the other girls from Scouts.

 

And my daughter wasn't invited.

 

It seriously broke my heart. I mean I don't care if you want to have a birthday party that doesn't include my kid - but please don't tell me about it. Now I have to get ready for the Scout meeting that I don't want to attend, and then I have to spend the meeting worrying that one of the other girls is going to talk about this party, and my daughter is going to realize that she has been excluded. :crying:

 

What should I do? Say nothing? Say that my feelings were hurt? I don't want to be that parent who is like "you have to invite my kid" but really did she not understand that it would make me feel crappy to hear about this party?

 

And I feel like the minute that I mention to my kid that it was their kid's birthday, my daughter is going to want to draw her a picture or something. Which increases the odds that she will find out about the party. :crying:

 

My husband thinks that this means that we need to try harder to have friendships. I think that I have been trying very hard, and that this means that people suck.

 

ETA: Our daughters are 5 turing 6.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Caraway

[NorthwestMom]

Do you typically attend each other's birthday parties?

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

 

My husband thinks that this means that we need to try harder to have friendships. I think that I have been trying very hard, and that this means that people suck.

 

 

I think your husband is wrong and you are right in this matter. That is a totally sucky thing for her to do.

[Rebecca VA]

I would gasp and say, "Oh, Friend, you mean you're having a party for Your Daughter and you didn't invite Mine?? I don't want you to feel obligated to invite her, but please, please just tell me why you didn't?"

 

I'd try to stay apologetic and understanding, but I'd ask for a reason. She owes you that much at least.

[Caraway]

Do you typically attend each other's birthday parties?

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

On the years that we have birthdays, we always invite BOTH of their girls. We have been invited to some of their parties, but their oldest is a girl and ours is a boy - so when their daughter started wanting girl only parties we understood.

 

It seems like if they wanted to have this party without my daughter then they should have waited until next week (When Scouts would have been over) and we wouldn't have found out.

[Christie_Jarrard]

I don't have any advice, but that would make me sad, too :(. We have a family that we are friends with at has similar ages to our kids. They recently had a birthday party for their next to last (who my middle LOVES), and we were the only family from our small group that didn't get invited. I just didn't bring it up, and at least she had the decency to not mention the party to me. It made me sad when she posted the pictures on FB and our kids were the only ones not there. I still don't know why were excluded.

[Irishmommy]

If it is just kids from school, I would understand excluding your dd (maybe), but if others from the troupe are going, then, yes, I would inquire as to why she was not invited. Not that she has to be, but you would like to give her a reason when she finds out she was not invited.

[LinRTX]

I've actually done this. My older daughter was invited to a sleep over birthday party for a friend of hers. I arrived at the party to drop her off with the other in tow. It turns out that several of her younger daughter's friends were there for the party also and were spending the night.

 

No problem, right. No. These are all girls from our church and they all home school, so these younger ones were pretty much my younger daughter's entire Sunday school class and she was not invited.

 

I called the mother on it and said they were inviting only the younger sisters of the guest so they would not be left out, but my daughter had a sister at home. There is 7 years between my younger two girls and so I had a baby at home.

 

The mother called later and apologized and said that my younger one would be welcomed. I said no thanks; she understood she really wasn't wanted.

 

Linda

[SonshineLearner]

I would beg out of the plans. I'd just say, "Gosh, I was thinking about the fact that my daughter will find out about the party and be devastated, and I decided it'd be best for her to go to the coast (or whatever is near you) instead of the last meeting." I hope you understand :) I'd choose to make other plans, because well.... my kids would be extremely hurt, and it wouldn't profit their long term health to be there with the others talking about a party that she isn't invited to..

Alternately, if you're brave you could say, "I didn't receive the invitation to the party, friend, so I didn't know if you gave it to my daughter and she lost it... or if it got lost in the mail"... (then you have to be silent..... and let your friend think of her answer)

Good Luck!!

[melissad2]

Is it at all possible she thinks your daughter was invited? We're the invitations handed out or mailed? I've sent invitations before that never got where they were supposed to go.

[SJ.]

I wouldn't say anything. Perhaps the mother left it up to the daughter in selecting the guests. Maybe there was a number limit for the guests. There are so many possibilities.

 

I would try not to take it so personally. If your daughter asks about it, just be honest and tell her you don't know why she wasn't invited. Honor her feelings if she is hurt but try not to dwell on it.

 

There is a little boy that I would love my oldest to become better friends with but every time I mention inviting him over my son balks at the idea for some reason. I would love to have group play dates with this little boy. I'm not sure what to do because I want to honor who my son wants to have for friends yet I don't want to leave this little boy out.

 

At what age(s) do you go from inviting guests for your child, to suggesting the guest list, to leaving it up to the child?

[Caraway]

I would beg out of the plans. I'd just say, "Gosh, I was thinking about the fact that my daughter will find out about the party and be devastated, and I decided it'd be best for her to go to the coast (or whatever is near you) instead of the last meeting." I hope you understand :) I'd choose to make other plans, because well.... my kids would be extremely hurt, and it wouldn't profit their long term health to be there with the others talking about a party that she isn't invited to..

Alternately, if you're brave you could say, "I didn't receive the invitation to the party, friend, so I didn't know if you gave it to my daughter and she lost it... or if it got lost in the mail"... (then you have to be silent..... and let your friend think of her answer)

Good Luck!!

 

But I am supposed to LEAD the meeting. And it doesn't seem fair to my daughter to make her miss the last meeting of the year when she loves Scouts. I'm really angry that I feel like this stupid birthday is now tainting my/her Scouting experience.

 

Is it at all possible she thinks your daughter was invited? We're the invitations handed out or mailed? I've sent invitations before that never got where they were supposed to go.

 

I often talk to the mom multiple times per day, especially leading up to the Scout meetings. She would have said something like "Um, you're coming right? Where is your RSVP?"

[Unicorn.]

Maybe she thought she invited you, and was waiting for you to rsvp. Maybe it's a party for family only? If not, that really sucks. There is a girl in my girls' troop that is always having b-day parties, and invites everyone in the troop but my girls, and one other one. It stinks when the girls find out. And they do. Every year. :grouphug:

[Murphy101]

UG. If this is out of the norm, I'd say something. Especially as she brought it up with you.

 

Is it possible the invite didn't arrive?

Is it possible she didn't think you would be okay with your younger dc not being invited?

Did she think you had other plans?

 

You aren't going to know unless you ask and I'd rather just ask than assume the worst of her.

[Caraway]

I wouldn't say anything. Perhaps the mother left it up to the daughter in selecting the guests. Maybe there was a number limit for the guests. There are so many possibilities.

 

I would try not to take it so personally. If your daughter asks about it, just be honest and tell her you don't know why she wasn't invited. Honor her feelings if she is hurt but try not to dwell on it.

 

There is a little boy that I would love my oldest to become better friends with but every time I mention inviting him over my son balks at the idea for some reason. I would love to have group play dates with this little boy. I'm not sure what to do because I want to honor who my son wants to have for friends yet I don't want to leave this little boy out.

 

At what age(s) do you go from inviting guests for your child, to suggesting the guest list, to leaving it up to the child?

 

I could get over my child not being invited. You are right that there are lots of possible reasons. Although our daughters are 5/6, so it seems like maybe the parents could have steered it in whatever direction they wanted.

 

My issue is being told about it, as though we are invisible. Like it didn't occur to her that my daughter would want to be there. And to do it the day before the last Scout meeting seems.... really cruel.

[mommy5]

I would want to know why ... or I would be hurt by this. :(

[Starr]

I wouldn't be calling them your closest friends anymore. :( And I don't think I'd make that last meeting either. She's not being fair saying she wants the girls to have time together and not invite her to a birthday party. That's weird. I do find that most of our ps friends don't invite the homeschool friends to events but not till middle school/high school.

[G5052]

I would beg out of the plans. I'd just say, "Gosh, I was thinking about the fact that my daughter will find out about the party and be devastated, and I decided it'd be best for her to go to the coast (or whatever is near you) instead of the last meeting." I hope you understand :) I'd choose to make other plans, because well.... my kids would be extremely hurt, and it wouldn't profit their long term health to be there with the others talking about a party that she isn't invited to..

 

I believe in letting friends know when there is a significant slip like this and that I'm not going to let it hurt mine more than it already does. If it was an error, they can fix it, or we'll be off on our own happy path...

 

I'd assess whether I really had to be there, and try to get out of it.

 

If you both have to be there, I'd still call and express that my child is going to be unhappy about this and see if they respond. If they don't, I'd drop the hint that you may not return.

Edited May 23, 2012 by GVA

[Starr]

I would beg out of the plans. I'd just say, "Gosh, I was thinking about the fact that my daughter will find out about the party and be devastated, and I decided it'd be best for her to go to the coast (or whatever is near you) instead of the last meeting." I hope you understand :) I'd choose to make other plans, because well.... my kids would be extremely hurt, and it wouldn't profit their long term health to be there with the others talking about a party that she isn't invited to..

Alternately, if you're brave you could say, "I didn't receive the invitation to the party, friend, so I didn't know if you gave it to my daughter and she lost it... or if it got lost in the mail"... (then you have to be silent..... and let your friend think of her answer)

Good Luck!!

 

She can lead the meeting and your dd can have a great time somewhere else.

[goldberry]

I'd try to stay apologetic and understanding, but I'd ask for a reason. She owes you that much at least.

 

 

:iagree: Say something.

[SJ.]

I could get over my child not being invited. You are right that there are lots of possible reasons. Although our daughters are 5/6, so it seems like maybe the parents could have steered it in whatever direction they wanted.

 

My issue is being told about it, as though we are invisible. Like it didn't occur to her that my daughter would want to be there. And to do it the day before the last Scout meeting seems.... really cruel.

 

Being told about the party was very rude, I agree. I hope you find some sort of closure and that your scout meeting goes better than you expect. :grouphug:

[kitten18]

I could get over my child not being invited. You are right that there are lots of possible reasons. Although our daughters are 5/6, so it seems like maybe the parents could have steered it in whatever direction they wanted.

 

My issue is being told about it, as though we are invisible. Like it didn't occur to her that my daughter would want to be there. And to do it the day before the last Scout meeting seems.... really cruel.

:grouphug: That was so RUDE of her to mention the party to you.

[Remudamom]

Is it at all possible she thinks your daughter was invited? We're the invitations handed out or mailed? I've sent invitations before that never got where they were supposed to go.

 

This was my first thought. Who's butt enough to mention a party to which your child is not invited?

[Cassy]

I had a similar thing happen to DS13 when he was 7 yo and at school. A mother called me over to tell me that her son would be able to come to DS's birthday party the following weekend - while she was telling me this she was at the same time gathering together half a dozen of the other boys from DS's class to take them off to her son's party. I was mostly OK with the fact that DS hadn't been invited, but I wished she could have found a way not to rub our noses in it.

 

Anyway, it's not just homeschooling. Some people are just really thick.

 

Cassy

[MegP]

Since she is the co-leader, I would bow out of the last meeting and take your DD to the coast or whatever as someone else suggested, and make sure to tell the mom why-that it would be too painful for your DD to be at scouts where she is sure to hear about the party.

[laundrycrisis]

This was my first thought. Who's butt enough to mention a party to which your child is not invited?

 

ITA. It's extremely tacky since your DDs are the same gender, similar age, and "friends". Very rude ! But this kind of rudeness seems accepted as normal these days. I don't get it.

 

Anyway, it's not just homeschooling. Some people are just really thick.

 

I agree, this can happen when kids attend school also - I think it's pretty common. But when you feel like perhaps your child has fewer social opportunities in the first place due to homeschooling, it probably makes it seem like a bigger deal when an exclusion like this happens.

 

I would probably ask her point blank if several other girls from scouts are going to be guests at her DD's party, and if they are, skip that last meeting. Let her lead it, since she set up a situation that is going to be hurtful for your DD. Let her figure out how to lead that meeting. I would tell her why in no uncertain terms.

Edited May 23, 2012 by laundrycrisis

[Rivka]

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

[Dustybug]

I think what she did is rude and thoughtless, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it cruel. You never really know WHY your dd wasn't invited.

 

I don't know. I'm not a confrontational person and if that were us, I don't know if I'd mention it because then I would feel that if an invitation were extended then, it would ONLY be because I said something, not because we were welcome guests. I wouldn't want my DD to end up being left out or ignored by other guests (particularly the birthday girl) if she wasn't wanted there.

 

I wouldn't pull my DD from the Scout meeting either if it was something she was looking forward to and I probably wouldn't mention the party to my DD unless she asked about it afterwards. Then maybe I'd take her out for ice cream or something fun after the meeting to help compensate.

 

Lastly, I would not consider that family "close friends" any longer and I'd work to find myself and my daughter new friends.

[Dustybug]

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

 

If I did chose to say something this seems like the best option.

[momtokea]

This has happened to us more times than I care to remember. After 8 years of homeschooling I have come to the conclusion that many moms grew up from being "mean girls" to being "mean moms". In almost all cases the kids are NOT the mean ones, although they do eventually grow up and take after their moms.

 

You now know that this is not a true friend, for you or your child. Cross them off your child's birthday list and find some new friends. Don't punish yourself or your child by not attending the scout meeting. Just move on, and act like she is just another one of your acquaintances.

 

True friends are hard to find, but your children will be better off without friends like that.

[edelweiss]

This has happened to us more times than I care to remember. After 8 years of homeschooling I have come to the conclusion that many moms grew up from being "mean girls" to being "mean moms". In almost all cases the kids are NOT the mean ones, although they do eventually grow up and take after their moms.

 

You now know that this is not a true friend, for you or your child. Cross them off your child's birthday list and find some new friends. Don't punish yourself or your child by not attending the scout meeting. Just move on, and act like she is just another one of your acquaintances.

 

True friends are hard to find, but your children will be better off without friends like that.

 

I agree with this. I doubt that I would say anything at all. I would just write this woman and her family off. Be polite and cordial in the future, but stop thinking of her as a close friend. She is clearly not.

[angela in ohio]

This has happened to us more times than I care to remember. After 8 years of homeschooling I have come to the conclusion that many moms grew up from being "mean girls" to being "mean moms". In almost all cases the kids are NOT the mean ones, although they do eventually grow up and take after their moms.

 

You now know that this is not a true friend, for you or your child. Cross them off your child's birthday list and find some new friends. Don't punish yourself or your child by not attending the scout meeting. Just move on, and act like she is just another one of your acquaintances.

 

True friends are hard to find, but your children will be better off without friends like that.

 

I agree 100%. Life is too short to put up with people like this. The majority of the regrets I have in parenting are in staying in situations like this too long in an attempt to "be the bigger person."

 

FWIW, I wouldn't go to the Scout meeting. I'd prepare things and then drop them off to her. If she asks why you can't make it, tell her calmly that you don't want your dd to be hurt when she hears about the party she wasn't invited to. I think 5 is too young for your dd to have to deal with this garbage. Give her a few more years before she has to learn about queen bee drama.

[Cassy]

I think what she did is rude and thoughtless, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it cruel. You never really know WHY your dd wasn't invited.

 

I don't know. I'm not a confrontational person and if that were us, I don't know if I'd mention it because then I would feel that if an invitation were extended then, it would ONLY be because I said something, not because we were welcome guests. I wouldn't want my DD to end up being left out or ignored by other guests (particularly the birthday girl) if she wasn't wanted there.

 

I wouldn't pull my DD from the Scout meeting either if it was something she was looking forward to and I probably wouldn't mention the party to my DD unless she asked about it afterwards. Then maybe I'd take her out for ice cream or something fun after the meeting to help compensate.

 

Lastly, I would not consider that family "close friends" any longer and I'd work to find myself and my daughter new friends.

 

:iagree: That pretty much sums up how I'd feel.

 

Cassy

[Kathryn]

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

 

:iagree:

[Soror]

I'd say something because I'd expect there should be a good reason if this truly is a good friend. If not I would know where I stand. Now, if it was a casual friend or acquaintance I'd just shrug it off but not a supposed good and close friend. Real friends are considerate and I'd need to know the truth instead of just wondering and letting what I think happened cloud my thoughts. Sometimes it is just a simple misunderstanding and I wouldn't want to carry anger or hurt without knowing. If there is no good reason and no compassion or understanding I would be limiting my contact and pulling back emotionally.

[amsunshine]

I would make sure your dd wasn't invited, if you haven't already. It's possible an invitation was mailed and she's assuming you ignored it.

 

Then, if she truly wasn't invited...umm...that's pretty rude. I'd distance myself from that family if that was the case.

[mom2samlibby]

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

 

:iagree: I think you need to say something because of the relationship you have and because of Scouts. I'm surprised at the number of people that have told you to avoid your scouts meeting and to write this friend off. I'm amazed at how quickly people are ready to write someone off. Why not take a moment to ask her about it? Maybe there is a good reason for it? Maybe she forgot to give you/your daughter the invite? Maybe her DD wants to invite your DD over for a special one on one time for her birthday instead? Maybe she feels like you wouldn't have let your DD come to party, so they didn't invite her. Who knows . . . but you won't unless you say something about it. If this is someone that you and your DD value in your lives, please ask them about it.

 

I also don't think it's a homeschool issue at all.

[SonshineLearner]

I would make sure your dd wasn't invited, if you haven't already. It's possible an invitation was mailed and she's assuming you ignored it.

 

Then, if she truly wasn't invited...umm...that's pretty rude. I'd distance myself from that family if that was the case.

 

And this part was why I was thinking it would be most comfortable... perhaps... to act as though you just hadn't received it... This gives her an out <that may be justified> and a way to repair the damage... maybe ;)

[Night Elf]

Another vote for just asking her about it. You said you talk a lot, so the next time you're talking to her tell her that you were surprised when she mentioned a birthday party because it's the first time you heard about it. Personally, I would want the honest truth and I would point blank ask her if there was a specific reason for not inviting your dd. Just be prepared for an honest answer. I had a mom tell me her dd just didn't want to hang out with my dd anymore and she wasn't going to force her. Talk about a punch in the gut. But I asked and at least I knew to stop trying to get together with them.

[Heather in AL]

I also think you should bring it up with the other mom.

 

In re-reading your op, I wonder if maybe your dd actually had been invited and the mom bringing up the party was her way of fishing to see if you were coming since she hadn't heard from you?

 

If your dd was truly excluded then I would be quite upset. What Rivka offered as a comment was perfect. It allows for the other mom to explain why your dd wasn't included, as well as giving her an 'out' to let you know if something had gone on between the girls to cause hard feelings.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it doesn't help, but this isn't about homeschooling; my kids had to deal with this when they were in public school.

[elegantlion]

I vote for asking. We had this happen to ds. Someone agreed to watch our son or we were picking someone up, can't fully remember the situation (blocking the negative memory), but it turns out one of the brothers that ds played with all.the.time was having a party and ds wasn't invited. We had to go to their house for some reason. The look on the mother's face was semi-priceless as she realized how devastated my son looked because he wasn't included. I think it was more a case of this boy not liking my son as much as he acted.

 

I played it off, but was fairly humiliated. The friendship kind of went downhill from there. Ds was really hurt though and we kind of backed off from seeing them after that. Then we all moved and it was good. :D

[clarkacademy]

Her daughter would be sad to miss the last scout meeting. I think I would let my daughter go and over the summer I would try to find things where she could meet more kids to make friends. I also don't think I would do any leader stuff with the scouts next year. If my daughter asked why she didn't get invited I would tell her to go ask the kids mom.

 

Then I would wait to hear an answer.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

 

:iagree: Amazingly tactful, and still to the point.

 

I'd be hurt, too.

[DianeW88]

I think what she did is rude and thoughtless, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it cruel. You never really know WHY your dd wasn't invited.

 

I don't know. I'm not a confrontational person and if that were us, I don't know if I'd mention it because then I would feel that if an invitation were extended then, it would ONLY be because I said something, not because we were welcome guests. I wouldn't want my DD to end up being left out or ignored by other guests (particularly the birthday girl) if she wasn't wanted there.

 

I wouldn't pull my DD from the Scout meeting either if it was something she was looking forward to and I probably wouldn't mention the party to my DD unless she asked about it afterwards. Then maybe I'd take her out for ice cream or something fun after the meeting to help compensate.

 

Lastly, I would not consider that family "close friends" any longer and I'd work to find myself and my daughter new friends.

 

:iagree: I would NOT ask this woman why my dd wasn't invited. The answer to that is pretty obvious...they didn't want her at the party. Any answer you get from her at this point is going to be a lie anyway. "Oh, we're really sorry but Suzy can only have four friends because we're going swimming and that's all they allow." Baloney. The bottom line is that if Birthday Mom or Birthday Kid had wanted your dd at the party, they would have invited her.

 

If by chance it is an issue of a lost invitation, then Birthday Mom should bring that up when your dd obviously isn't going, doesn't show up, etc.

 

I also wouldn't have anything to do with this woman in the future. She obviously does not consider you one of her good friends.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I truly hope your dd doesn't find out. However I'm almost positive she will if you take her to the GS meeting. Little girls won't be quiet about something like that.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: i'm sorry you're feeling badly. does your dd know yet?

 

i am one for talking things thru. i'd end up saying something like, "so this may end up being one of those really awkward conversations that people dread. my mind's been spinning since you mentioned the birthday party after scouts. at first i was really hurt that my dd wasn't invited. then i thought maybe she was invited and i didn't receive the invitation and you were trying to ask indirectly if she were coming. then i considered skipping the meeting so that dd wasn't hurt by the others going off without her. then i thought about assuming we'd been invited and telling you we'd be coming. and really, i decided i needed to stop trying to read your mind and that we knew one another well enough for me to just ask what's up. one good thing about all of this is that i've discovered how much i value our friendship."

 

and then i'd listen. it seems pretty wordy, but what that does is give the person a chance to think.... and it can seem pretty humorous, too. but its all true, and that counts.

 

the flip side of the coin is that our homeschooled dds have friends from different areas of their lives who wouldn't mix well at all. so we tend to have "homeschool" birthday parties, or "dance" birthday parties, etc. for dds 12th birthday, we took the kids ice skating, which in SoCal is kind of cool, and some kids dd is close to weren't invited because we were doing it during school hours, and because i could only afford so much money and because i just wasn't up for the drama of half the group not talking to the other half of the group.....

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

ps. my mother's approach would be different. she is of the "kill them with kindness" school of thought. so she'd bake a cake for the birthday girl and buy balloons and a gift and make it part of the meeting.

[laundrycrisis]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I truly hope your dd doesn't find out. However I'm almost positive she will if you take her to the GS meeting. Little girls won't be quiet about something like that.

 

:iagree: Also if the other mom brought it up out of meanness, then she probably wouldn't be instructing her DD not to brag about the party at the meeting either.

 

I would first want to find out that my DD was in fact not invited, in case there was a misunderstanding about that, and if other girls from scouts were invited....if that is that case, and the mom brought it up out of meanness, I would assume that last meeting would be a pretty toxic situation to put my daughter into.

 

If the situation is a misunderstanding about an invitation, or the other girls at the party are not from scouts but just a different set of friends, I would not consider that an exclusion or any kind of meanness, and would go to the meeting and have a good time.

[Melinda in VT]

If the situation is a misunderstanding about an invitation, or the other girls at the party are not from scouts but just a different set of friends, I would not consider that an exclusion or any kind of meanness, and would go to the meeting and have a good time.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, our friends' kids are not always our kids' friends. It's nice when it matches up, but if her dd is expressing a desire not to be as close to your dd, I don't think it means the mom is not a good friend to you. My guess is that she was speaking to you about her life because you are her friend, and it didn't occur to her that you were also the mother of a girl who might be hurt by not being invited. It's the sort of clueless thing I could see myself doing and then being horrified later when I realized what I'd said to whom.

[KungFuPanda]

Fine. I'll be the loan voice of dissent. I say let it go. It's none of your business how or why she constructed that guest list. It seems like the phone conversation was about how busy you both were and you each mentioned what you were busy doing. She didn't do anything wrong and probably didn't feel compelled to lie about it . . . she just mentioned why she was busy.

 

I think all of the advice to drop a friend and sabotage a scout meeting because they didn't invite you to a party is a bit out there. NO friend is going to invite you to everything they do with other people. I think it would be rude to put anyone on the spot for not inviting you somewhere. It seems very entitled, and oddly clingy, to demand an explanation.

 

If she organized a scout meeting, and invited everyone but your daughter, then her behavior would be out of line. I can't imagine answering to anyone about how my family chooses to celebrate my small child's birthday. The problem is your reaction, and making something about you that has nothing to do with you. This WILL come up again in life and not just because everyone else is a 'mean girl.' Will you react this way and drop every friend who has a party without you???? (NOT that the OP has done anything but vent and gather opinions.)

[justamouse]

If I were you, I'd not be taking my Dd to that meeting.

 

And I think you are trying.

 

 

My girls are 10 and have praying their little hearts out for friends. JUST THIS MONTH, they made good friends. One is moving in down the street, and the other is best friends with the one that's moving in. They are incredible moms and fantastic kids, but we had to wait a long, long time for this. And the waiting sucks. :grouphug:

[laundrycrisis]

Fine. I'll be the loan voice of dissent. I say let it go. It's none of your business how or why she constructed that guest list. It seems like the phone conversation was about how busy you both were and you each mentioned what you were busy doing. She didn't do anything wrong and probably didn't feel compelled to lie about it . . . she just mentioned why she was busy.

 

I think all of the advice to drop a friend and sabotage a scout meeting because they didn't invite you to a party is a bit out there. NO friend is going to invite you to everything they do with other people. I think it would be rude to put anyone on the spot for not inviting you somewhere. It seems very entitled, and oddly clingy, to demand an explanation.

 

If she organized a scout meeting, and invited everyone but your daughter, then her behavior would be out of line. I can't imagine answering to anyone about how my family chooses to celebrate my small child's birthday. The problem is your reaction, and making something about you that has nothing to do with you. This WILL come up again in life and not just because everyone else is a 'mean girl.' Will you react this way and drop every friend who has a party without you???? (NOT that the OP has done anything but vent and gather opinions.)

 

 

Normally I would agree, with most acquaintances... but in this case, this family is their closest local friends; they have been close friends since their oldest kids were infants, and these two families have had their kids to each other's bday celebrations in the past. And it sounds like these are two similar-aged girls. I would want to know what is up with this. If she needs to give an honest answer that these two girls are not good friend material for each other, she should be up front about that. Not just drop the news that there was a party, but this time your kid wasn't invited, closest local friend. The history of friendship between the families IMO makes this a situation that should be explained.

 

 

Background: We met the W family almost nine years ago when our oldest children were infants. I would consider them our closest local friends. My middle daughter and their youngest are a few months apart in age. So, at the beginning of this year their mom suggested we lead a Scout group so that our girls could go through GS together. Plus this would be a great way to get them together since they didn't naturally see each other at school.

 

So, Scouts has been going well, and our daughters sit next to each other, hang out after the meeting, etc... This Thursday is our final Scout meeting of the year. And it is also their daughter's birthday.

 

Yesterday their mom calls to discuss our meeting. I say that I haven't totally nailed down my plans yet. So she says that yes, they have also been very busy getting ready for her daughter's birthday party.

 

So, based on what she said, her daughter is having a birthday party today with a group of girls at a swimming pool. Probably including some of the other girls from Scouts.

 

And my daughter wasn't invited.

 

 

On the years that we have birthdays, we always invite BOTH of their girls. We have been invited to some of their parties, but their oldest is a girl and ours is a boy - so when their daughter started wanting girl only parties we understood.

 

It sounds mean, mean, mean. Like a vendetta, including rubbing your face in it. I would want to confirm the situation, and then ask WTH.

Edited May 23, 2012 by laundrycrisis