Sometimes Homeschooling Breaks My Heart - Birthday Party WWYD?

[Alice]

I would probably try to find out if it is really a birthday party like you are thinking. I had something similar happen with a very close friend. She mentioned the party for her son, who is my son's best friend. I knew ds would be devastated that he was left out so I got all immediately hurt for him. Turned out it was a family party and they weren't doing a friend party that year. Maybe that's the situation here. Or maybe it's a party at school. Or maybe your invitation was lost and she's wondering why you are being so rude not to RSVP. :)

 

There is a concept from Jonathan Edwards that I can't think of the exact phrasing but basically means we should try to assume that people have the best intentions unless we are sure they don't. I often find that I do the opposite, especially when I am feeling hurt for my kids.

 

I'd say something to the Mom, if it's really a good friend you should be able to bring it up without damaging the friendship. Rivka's quote is good. Or something like "You mentioned Suzy's birthday party the other day. I was surprised that Cindy wasn't invited and I know she will be hurt. I know this is awkward, but I also value your family and our friendship and I know this is going to bother me so I feel like we need to talk about it just to make sure there isn't an issue." Or something like that.

 

ETA: I went back and read your original post and it sounds like you may have had all the info and it was a traditional party. In that case, I'd still talk to the Mom. I've had to have uncomfortable conversations with friends before and it's always worth it, even if it doesn't fix everything.

[coffeefreak]

I saw the age of your dd, and I wanted to give some advice that I hope you will take as loving and kind from a mom who has BTDT. My oldest child is now 12 almost 13 and has been through many, many friends. As many friends as she would have had she been in public school. When our kiddos are little, it's a lot of fun to pair them up and have them be friends with the mommies we're friends with or visa versa. The problem is, eventually you will have a falling out with the mommy, or your dd will have a falling out with her friend. Either way, we have to approach it, not from a "My child's not going to have any friends unless I find them for her because we homeschool!!!" stand, but from a, "Well honey, I don't know why you weren't invited, but that wasn't very nice, was it? Why don't you ask your friend why she didn't invite you?" The best advice I received from another mom who had BTDT was to step out of my dd's friendships and let her come to me for advice. My friendship with the mom is mine, her friendship with her daughter is hers. I know you feel like your dd is a little young to do that, but the fact that this is happening already proves that she's not. It doesn't get any easier either. I constantly have to remind myself that I need to let her handle her friendships, and that I'm just here for guidance. Pre-teen girls suck:glare:

 

In this particular case, since you are friends with the other mom, I would call the other mom and ask if there was a specific reason why your dd wasn't invited to the party. Be prepared for an answer you don't like though. I have heard them all. But, it's better to learn that these people aren't friends now, than later. And, you should be VERY honest with your dd about why you're not friends anymore should you find the friendship fizzles after this.

 

We had a situation where a mother quit returning my phone calls. We had been friends for 5 YEARS, and one day, out of the blue, flat out quit returning my calls. My dd cried and begged me for playdates with her dd, and I had to tell her that this person just wasn't getting back to me. I called her in front of my dd, left a message, and then my dd let it go. A month later, she ran into my dd at a baseball game. My dd had gone with a family friend because hubby and I were out on a date. My dd asked why she had not returned my call, and this woman LIED to my dd and told her that she had tried to arrange a playdate with me and *I* was too busy. Even at 5 my dd knew she was lying. That was the end of my dd having affection for this family, but only because I was honest with her from the beginning. Even though it broke my heart.:crying:

 

:grouphug:

Sorry this is happening to your sweet little one. This is where we start teaching our kiddos how to be a friend, what friendship looks like, and how to have friends on their own.

 

:grouphug:

Dorinda

[coffeefreak]

Fine. I'll be the loan voice of dissent. I say let it go. It's none of your business how or why she constructed that guest list. It seems like the phone conversation was about how busy you both were and you each mentioned what you were busy doing. She didn't do anything wrong and probably didn't feel compelled to lie about it . . . she just mentioned why she was busy.

 

I think all of the advice to drop a friend and sabotage a scout meeting because they didn't invite you to a party is a bit out there. NO friend is going to invite you to everything they do with other people. I think it would be rude to put anyone on the spot for not inviting you somewhere. It seems very entitled, and oddly clingy, to demand an explanation.

 

If she organized a scout meeting, and invited everyone but your daughter, then her behavior would be out of line. I can't imagine answering to anyone about how my family chooses to celebrate my small child's birthday. The problem is your reaction, and making something about you that has nothing to do with you. This WILL come up again in life and not just because everyone else is a 'mean girl.' Will you react this way and drop every friend who has a party without you???? (NOT that the OP has done anything but vent and gather opinions.)

 

I actually agree with all this, but gave my advice based on the age of the dd and the fact that this is the first time OP has experienced this. Like I said, this will not be the last time this comes up, and as your dd gets older, you will find she excludes girls too, and you would do best to stay out of it. Not because anyone is mean, but because you can't possibly include everyone, every time.

 

Kung Fu Panda just said it in a tough love kind of way.:001_smile:

[Danestress]

"Hey, I am struggling with feeling sad my daughter wasn't invited to your daughter's birthday party. I'm not sure why you had to tell me there was a party if she wasn't invited, but that's ok. I am a big girl and I will get over it.

 

However, my daughter is five and I am very concerned that the girls at girl scouts might be talking about it. She will be devastated. I am thinking about just not letting her come for the last meeting so we can avoid the whole thing, but she loves scouts, so I hate to do that.

 

It would help me make a good decision if I knew whether other scouting girls are invited and also whether you have talked to your daughter about how one shouldn't talk about parties in front of people who aren't invited, because it will hurt their feelings.

 

I don't want to be difficult about this, but I do want to protect DD, so if you could just help me by giving me that information it would be great."

[JenC3]

You've had great advice.

 

I would just go through the last meeting, pray it didn't come up and NOT do Scouts or anything else with this person. If it did come up I would explain it to dd and give lots of hugs.

 

We haven't had this yet, but I know a friendship was stifled b/c a woman's dd did not like my dd. DD stood up to this girl in ballet this year for trying to get her to ignore another girl. It was awesome when my dd who is very laid back & easygoing tell me she said "My mom told me to be nice to everyone." Girl didn't have much to say to that!

[FriedClams]

I would go to scouts. And, I would talk to my DD about the situation before the meeting. "Sweetie, this will likely come up and here's the deal. Mary is having a birthday party and for some reason you were not invited. I have no idea why, but it's their choice who gets invited. Sometimes they can only have a limited number of kids. Sometimes new friends get picked over old ones so they can be kind. There are a million reasons why, but I wanted you to know now and not find out at scouts because I thought that would hurt your feelings. So if it comes up lets work on how you will react. What if someone asks you if you're going?" And then I would role play how to handle gracefully being left out. To me it's not about the party but about teaching about kindness, and friendship, and being graceful when other people hurt us. I don't want my kids to be victims, ever, and role playing helps to empower them to have a good answer and work through the surface emotions beforehand, so they can be calm and in control later. I'd also discuss how as much as we want every friend happy all the time - sometimes we have to pick too, and it doesn't mean we're being cruel or unkind, it sometimes just "is".

[LittleIzumi]

Is it at all possible she thinks your daughter was invited? We're the invitations handed out or mailed? I've sent invitations before that never got where they were supposed to go.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: I would ask point-blank if your dd was invited. If this is totally out of character there is probably something else going on.

 

I think you should mention it. You didn't find out about this party secondhand - she told you about it. Maybe you could say something like:

 

"Jane, I was really surprised that you mentioned Hazel's birthday party to me, since Cindy wasn't invited. I'm really feeling hurt on Cindy's behalf. Is there something going on between the girls that I should know about? It just seems so pointed to actually tell me about the party, when Cindy was left out."

 

:iagree::iagree: Again, I'd ask to make CERTAIN. I had a friend mention on FB about cleaning for her son's birthday party that day, which I had heard nothing about, my kids (who are best friends with hers--two of ours are "engaged" :lol:, etc) weren't invited, etc. Turns out they had two different parties planned. My kids were invited to the second one.

[Cindyg]

I would double check about this before the party day!

 

If what you said in the original post is accurate, this has got to be a screw up.

 

I'm not usually an optimist, and I know a lot of people are mean; but her casualness about mentioning the party tells me she thinks you're in on it.

 

Talk to her about it before it's too late to go to the party!

 

BTW, as you said, this isn't about homeschooling at all. This situation is not unique to homeschoolers.

[Barb_]

:lurk5: Just wondering how this one resolves itself.

[tomandlorih]

I would definitely talk to the mom BEFORE I told my dd to "prepare her". Trust me as I just did this and then found out my assumption was WRONG and by trying to spare my dd's feelings I actually broke her heart for no reason!

 

Luckily, I was wrong and the good thing will happen to my dd tonight and she will be over the moon happy:D

 

Hope it all works out for you too!!

 

And your husband is wrong.. if the situation is really how you think it may be.. they are not real "friends" by no fault of yours!

[mom2samlibby]

I would definitely talk to the mom BEFORE I told my dd to "prepare her". Trust me as I just did this and then found out my assumption was WRONG and by trying to spare my dd's feelings I actually broke her heart for no reason!

 

Luckily, I was wrong and the good thing will happen to my dd tonight and she will be over the moon happy:D

 

Hope it all works out for you too!!

 

 

:iagree: As I was reading the additional replies to this thread, it reminded me of a situation that came up for my DD last year with her friend's birthday. The friend wanted to go to a college basketball game for her birthday and invite several friends along. She had asked my DD if she would liked basketball and my DD said no. (They were 8 at the time.) So, my DD was not invited along because she had told her friend that she wouldn't like that. My DD was invited to sleep over at her friend's house instead, since she didn't go to the basketball game. My DD was happier about the sleepover. However, if I would have gotten all mad about her not having an invite and written of the friend, everyone would have lost out.

[tammyw]

Unfortunately, I think this is just one of those things in life we have to get used to :( It stinks, yes, but it will most likely happen more than once. Even as an adult, I always cringe when incidents like this happen. It does feel completely disrespectful, and I strive very hard to never do it to someone else. I'm very non-confrontational, so I absolutely wouldn't say anything.

 

It really stinks to be in this position. We've been there, done that, and I HATE it for my child. I wish I could protect them from all the hurt that the world will send their way, but it's just not possible. When something does happen like this, we discuss it, talk about why it's not a good idea to do the same thing to someone else (e.g. exclude someone, talk about a party in front of others not invited, etc.)

[Anne]

"Hey, I am struggling with feeling sad my daughter wasn't invited to your daughter's birthday party. I'm not sure why you had to tell me there was a party if she wasn't invited, but that's ok. I am a big girl and I will get over it.

 

However, my daughter is five and I am very concerned that the girls at girl scouts might be talking about it. She will be devastated. I am thinking about just not letting her come for the last meeting so we can avoid the whole thing, but she loves scouts, so I hate to do that.

 

It would help me make a good decision if I knew whether other scouting girls are invited and also whether you have talked to your daughter about how one shouldn't talk about parties in front of people who aren't invited, because it will hurt their feelings.

 

I don't want to be difficult about this, but I do want to protect DD, so if you could just help me by giving me that information it would be great."

 

:iagree:

Anne

[Caraway]

UPDATE:

 

Okay, so this afternoon I texted the other mom. I basically said that the conversation had hurt my feelings, and that her daughter could invite whomever she wanted, but that I needed to know if I needed to prepare my daughter for fallout at the Scout meeting.

 

I normally would NEVER have said something. But these have been very close friends, and I have been encouraging my daughter to reach out to their daughter.

 

Later in the day the other mom responded that her daughter had invited two friends and their siblings, and that none of them were Scouts.

 

So, I'm okay with this. I still found it odd that it was discussed in the way it was, but I am certainly not still angry about it, or feeling like it is a big elephant in the room.

 

I texted back and apologized for being goofy/needy. :blushing:

[laundrycrisis]

UPDATE:

 

Okay, so this afternoon I texted the other mom. I basically said that the conversation had hurt my feelings, and that her daughter could invite whomever she wanted, but that I needed to know if I needed to prepare my daughter for fallout at the Scout meeting.

 

I normally would NEVER have said something. But these have been very close friends, and I have been encouraging my daughter to reach out to their daughter.

 

Later in the day the other mom responded that her daughter had invited two friends and their siblings, and that none of them were Scouts.

 

So, I'm okay with this. I still found it odd that it was discussed in the way it was, but I am certainly not still angry about it, or feeling like it is a big elephant in the room.

 

I texted back and apologized for being goofy/needy. :blushing:

 

I am glad that you asked. It is much better than wondering and dreading a hurtful situation at scouts. I would not be upset if someone needed to do a very small bday and my kid didn't make that list - we had to do a very small bday ourselves this year. I did not and would not discuss it with moms of kids who had been to our bdays in the past but weren't invited to this one, and that still seems odd. But the situation is not that there was a large party with the other scouts that your DD was excluded from - good.

[Soror]

UPDATE:

 

Okay, so this afternoon I texted the other mom. I basically said that the conversation had hurt my feelings, and that her daughter could invite whomever she wanted, but that I needed to know if I needed to prepare my daughter for fallout at the Scout meeting.

 

I normally would NEVER have said something. But these have been very close friends, and I have been encouraging my daughter to reach out to their daughter.

 

Later in the day the other mom responded that her daughter had invited two friends and their siblings, and that none of them were Scouts.

 

So, I'm okay with this. I still found it odd that it was discussed in the way it was, but I am certainly not still angry about it, or feeling like it is a big elephant in the room.

 

I texted back and apologized for being goofy/needy. :blushing:

 

So, glad you did this. Good friends are worth fighting and trying for, sometimes you get burned but if you just walk away you never know.

[ChristineW]

UPDATE:

 

Okay, so this afternoon I texted the other mom. I basically said that the conversation had hurt my feelings, and that her daughter could invite whomever she wanted, but that I needed to know if I needed to prepare my daughter for fallout at the Scout meeting.

 

I normally would NEVER have said something. But these have been very close friends, and I have been encouraging my daughter to reach out to their daughter.

 

Later in the day the other mom responded that her daughter had invited two friends and their siblings, and that none of them were Scouts.

 

So, I'm okay with this. I still found it odd that it was discussed in the way it was, but I am certainly not still angry about it, or feeling like it is a big elephant in the room.

 

I texted back and apologized for being goofy/needy. :blushing:

 

I'm glad you were able to resolve it.

[Trish]

I didn't allow my kids to choose their own guest lists until middle school. And even then certain kids were suggested if they somehow overlooked someone who "ought" to be there. In my opinion your daughter OUGHT to be at that party, and the mom failed to do what I would EXPECT a good friend to do. At that age.

 

I'm disappointed in the mom. Kids that age are too young for judgment calls, and the particulars of their birthdays should be limited to "theme" and maybe with "friends" or "just family."

[elegantlion]

I posted about our situation earlier, then I decided to discuss it with ds. He had another friend burn him in the last few years and that still stings, but he has no recollection of the missed birthday invite. He's 14 now, this happened when he was 7 or 8. He kind of shrugged it off. so they won't always remember the incident, but they will remember how we handle it.

 

Unfortunately it hurts to realize that life isn't fair and "friends" aren't always what they appear. But it it part of life and part of parenting.

[sheryl]

Well, I'm sorry. I don't get this. You mentioned these are your best local friends. And, you mentioned in 64 that you and this other family are very close friends.

 

I just don't think close friends treat each other this way. It is just awful for your dd, I think. However, your attitude is good..to pick up and move on.

 

Do they consider you and your family their closest friends?

[eloquacious]

All in all, I'm glad for you that you took the initiative and asked. I think what's been in the back of my mind while reading all this is two principles. First is the aforementioned Jonathan Edwards idea of thinking the best of people. My husband constantly says this (even when referring to our conversations with each other), and I think in the end I would rather be called naive than to constantly suspect the motives of others.

 

The second principle relies heavily on the fact that we cannot affect the actions of others, only our own. So many PP have commented on the type of grudging invitation that can come after such a mention. No one wants that, least of all your child. And you never know truly what the reasoning for the invitation list was. I've been on both sides of this, esp. this last time, struggling with whom to invite to our son's last-minute friend party... a party which we were only having because we felt guilty having a "family only" party that did include his one best friend and his family. Enough of our own drama, though... I just think that in times like this there are so many could've and would'ves... but in the end it falls on us to take it well. We can't go around getting our feelings hurt by every snub. (And oh, believe me, I know that's easier said than done. Girl drama, esp. in middle school, carved more wounds in my psyche than I care to acknowledge.)

 

Perhaps that's why older generations went the "kill them with kindness" route. I liked that plan best of all.

[Cindyg]

I'm so glad you asked. I'm glad your daughter can still go to Scouts. But I'm astonished at the reply. I guess I'm the pollyanna.

 

I would never dream of leaving out a child who felt close to my child.

[Melinda in VT]

Well, I'm sorry. I don't get this. You mentioned these are your best local friends. And, you mentioned in 64 that you and this other family are very close friends.

 

I just don't think close friends treat each other this way. It is just awful for your dd, I think. However, your attitude is good..to pick up and move on.

 

Do they consider you and your family their closest friends?

 

 

The parents can be best friends without the kids being best friends.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm glad you asked, too, but your friend obviously needs to learn some social skills! She should never have mentioned the party in the first place if your daughter wasn't invited.