Julie in CA Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) I'd never considered this until someone close to me mentioned how difficult it is to leave, practically speaking, even when it's the right thing. Edited May 12, 2012 by Julie in CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd probably rent my own apartment for awhile or make him leave. No plans to do either though. I voted hotel though because it was the best option of the ones given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: I would be staying in the house with the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. My MIL always said that she told her dh if he ever left, that was fine, but he had to take the kids too! :D (They had 7 sons) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 When I left my husband I had him move out first, and then at the end of the next month I moved to a new apartment I found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I wouldn't go anywhere, he would. I would not uproot my kids, I would change the locks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: But having said that, I don't "go there" in my thoughts. At all. Unless there were actual abuse. But I think I would have seen that before now in 20 years of marriage. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 :iagree: But having said that, I don't "go there" in my thoughts. At all. Unless there were actual abuse. But I think I would have seen that before now in 20 years of marriage. . . :iagree: My dh and I are very happily married...24 years and stii going strong. Lest anyone think my response indicated differently. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: Why would I go anywhere? :confused: And if I did, it would be a very nice, very expensive new home that he could pay for. And he knows it. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 My MIL always said that she told her dh if he ever left, that was fine, but he had to take the kids too! :D (They had 7 sons) If that didn't keep him home, nothing would! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd never considered this until someone close to me mentioned how difficult it is to leave, practically speaking, even when it's the right thing. It's difficult if you're not prepared and if you don't have enough money. Money is a huge factor, and if there isn't much money, employability becomes extremely important, so make sure you have a skill. Anyone who is even remotely thinking of leaving a marriage should plan wisely before taking any action -- except, of course, if there's abuse involved. Then, just go. No amount of money is worth your safety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd never leave my dh, but hypothetically speaking, if he ever did anything that made me want to, I'd kick his butt out and keep the house. I mean, Housekeeper isn't just a job title. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Well, it depends... If he ever hurt me or my kids I would kill him in his sleep. End of story. If it wasn't a "danger" situation and I was leaving him for other reasons (drug use, infidelity) then I would make him leave. But I do have options if I needed to be the one who leaves. I could go to any number of friends, my mom, either of my brothers, etc. And since I am employed, well-educated and with loads of experience, I could easily support myself and my children if it came to it. My mother made sure of that. She made certain I would never be in the position she was in... Trapped in an awful marriage with 3 young children, a high school education, and no job skills. It was the best thing she ever did for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 other I would choose not to live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I would stay where I am and he would have to go. The house is mine. I hope that never happens, though. Danielle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 When my first husband and I split up, I moved in with my mom. She was single and it all worked out perfectly. I'm glad too because I didn't have 2 nickels to rub together. Then I had to work with Legal Aid to get the divorce. That's also an overwhelming thing to do. I hope I never have to go through all of that again. It was a nightmare and my split was mutual and peaceful! If my DH and I split up, I would ask him to leave. If I had no choice but to leave, I would start at a hotel and get an apartment asap. I'm in better shape now then I was 19 years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) :iagree: My dh and I are very happily married...24 years and stii going strong. Lest anyone think my response indicated differently. :lol: lol I understand. I never know if a poll is public or not. ;) Edited May 13, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidi @ Mt Hope Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 My MIL always said that she told her dh if he ever left, that was fine, but he had to take the kids too! :D (They had 7 sons) :lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagira Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it came to that, I'd be back in Aruba, spending my mom's last years with her. I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenjenn Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I think this hypothetical situation assumes you cannot negotiate *him* leaving or paying for a nice second residence or something. I think this hypothetical scenario involves some kind of craziness - abuse, drugs, etc. And in such a case, I have several friends and relatives who would take my children and I in long enough for me to get my head on straight and consider step two. I am very blessed that it is highly improbable (near impossible) that I'll ever be in that situation, though I try to keep my social/moral bank account going strong so that I always have a soft place to fall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Other....If I was the one who wanted out...I work and have my own savings accounts. I would rent a house. If he wanted out, he would get an apartment/house (presumably closer to his work since he has a long commute each day). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 When it became necessary to leave my stbXH, my kids and I stayed with my mom for a few weeks. Then we moved into the house that she grew up in-- it was my great-grandparents' house, then my grandparents lived here until my grandmother died and my grandfather remarried. He was moving into his new wife's house just about the time I needed a place to land. Providence, fate, Hand of God, whatever you call it.... I'm so grateful that I have a supportive family to see the kids and me through this. I didn't see this coming until it was staring me in the face. In retrospect, I should have been preparing for this from day one, and intensely preparing for it over the last... year or so. But... I didn't believe it would ever really come to this. There is none so blind as those who will not see, you know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I didn't see this coming until it was staring me in the face. In retrospect, I should have been preparing for this from day one, and intensely preparing for it over the last... year or so. But... I didn't believe it would ever really come to this. There is none so blind as those who will not see, you know. It's easy to call the game from the sidelines, but you were right in the middle of it, and it's hard to maintain any semblance of a clear perspective when it's your own life and marriage. I'm sure you handled everything as well or better than anyone else would have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd go stay with my aunt until dh figured out where he was living, then we'd go too. My aunt would be happy to have us because she's lonely living by herself and she has 88 acres, so plenty of space. Then we'd go wherever The Dad Guy was going because I'm not going to watch him neglecting his kids while he's stuck in a pit of despair. That wouldn't do anyone any good. (And I don't think he'd want to live with his mother for long so he'd be going somewhere. ;) ) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 other I would choose not to live. Wait, do you mean that if your marriage fell apart you would kill yourself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna in Texas Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd go stay with my aunt until dh figured out where he was living, then we'd go too. My aunt would be happy to have us because she's lonely living by herself and she has 88 acres, so plenty of space. Then we'd go wherever The Dad Guy was going because I'm not going to watch him neglecting his kids while he's stuck in a pit of despair. That wouldn't do anyone any good. (And I don't think he'd want to live with his mother for long so he'd be going somewhere. ;) ) We always joke that if we split up for whatever reason (though extreme betrayal is not something I can imagine; I'd like to think we'd grow apart amicably :tongue_smilie: ), that we'd buy a duplex and put in an adjoining door with a cat flap. Honestly, sometimes that sounds good now. :D I'm not sure how practical that would be. I don't know if I'd feel like I had to sneak boyfriends into the back door or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quad Shot Academy Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd never leave my dh, but hypothetically speaking, if he ever did anything that made me want to, I'd kick his butt out and keep the house. I mean, Housekeeper isn't just a job title. :D :lol: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Wait, do you mean that if your marriage fell apart you would kill yourself? yes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 other I would choose not to live. Wait, do you mean that if your marriage fell apart you would kill yourself? yes :crying: I could never let a guy have that power over me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) yes Well considering that I know someone who did this last week, I can tell you the concensus is it is not a practical solution. The fallout is hideous. And this was someone without the extra burden of children, a living Mom... Anyway I chose other. I had to smile a bit at the poll...some of us are too old to have "parents" as an option. My Dad is dead after living a good long life and my Mom is in a Nursing Home. Heck even when I was 30 and divorcing I was on my own. You have no options when you don't know where the money is. If you know that, then you can always make a plan. Edited May 12, 2012 by nono Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 shrug My father chose not to live. So I sort of know all about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 We've been married 22 years today. Never had a thought about where I would go. Why would I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I wasn't assuming you didn't know about it. Personally I don't have much regard for quitters. Anyway, your choice is ironic given the theme of this thread is how to have the courage to change from living in a deathly situation to a better one. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I wasn't assuming you didn't know about it. Personally I don't have much regard for quitters. Anyway, your choice is ironic given the theme of this thread is how to have the courage to change from living in a deathly situation to a better one. :001_huh: no quitter here, I have been married for just on 20 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Well, change the locks seems the first choice if something crazy were to cause me to need to leave my DW. However, if for some reason I HAD to leave the house (she turned into an axe murderer in the middle of the night? Idk), I could stay with my parents or one of several relatives for a time until I figured out housing. I do have an emergency fund in my own name though, so I could get a hotel or apartment and manage for a few months if I had to. She would actually have a harder time leaving me since her family is farther away and she doesn't actually have any accounts that are not joint. Thankfully I am not an axe murderer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Well, change the locks seems the first choice if something crazy were to cause me to need to leave my DW. However, if for some reason I HAD to leave the house (she turned into an axe murderer in the middle of the night? Idk), I could stay with my parents or one of several relatives for a time until I figured out housing. I do have an emergency fund in my own name though, so I could get a hotel or apartment and manage for a few months if I had to. She would actually have a harder time leaving me since her family is farther away and she doesn't actually have any accounts that are not joint. Thankfully I am not an axe murderer. You're prepared just in case she's a nut, but you can assure her that you're not a nut? Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I have a friend in a situation. She has nowhere to go and no way to do it on her own, at least at first. So she is pretty stuck (which really stinks because she was a single mom for most of 15years and did it fine but can't get there again with her current circumstances). Me? Well, I'd go to my parents. But I really can't see it working. I don't have the ability, at this time, to take care of me and all the children financially as I cannot work full time (nor is that good for these kids anyway). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd probably rent my own apartment for awhile or make him leave. No plans to do either though. I voted hotel though because it was the best option of the ones given. :iagree: My parents are gone. My family beyond my kids does not exist...or would be unwilling to help....except maybe sil...and that would be weird in that circumstance:tongue_smilie: I would rent an apartment.....or his his tushy would be out the door. That is not a scenario I am entertaining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 shrug My father chose not to live. So I sort of know all about it. I'm sorry you had this experience. The hug smiley seems trivial, but I couldn't not respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrumm4448 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I would make him leave. My neighbor is going through this right now. Her dh (whom she is divorcing) refuses to leave. Her attorney told her if she leaves without the kids it will be considered abandonment and she loses her kids. I told her to consult another attorney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If I had time to prepare, I'd head to a motel. If it were an emergency, I'd head to a shelter. If it were long-term (permanent) and I'd had time to prepare, I'd rent a place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) I see a lot of people thinking they can just "kick out" their husbands. The question posed in the OP doesn't indicate an amicable situation to me. Where I live, you cannot kick out someone who lives in your house. You cannot change the locks. If he wants to get into his own house (whether or not his name is on the mortgage or lease), the police will let him in. And if the police arrive and you decide you don't want to stay with him, you will be allowed to take only necessary toiletries and clothes with you if he disputes anything. ETA - In regards to a PP's post, if you leave without the kids, that most certainly would be abandonment and would not look good for a custody dispute. Edited May 12, 2012 by kebg11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) I can't see any reason this would happen in my marriage, but I have thought of what might happen should DH die. I would get a job (I had a career for 16 years before becoming a SAHM) and the kids might be old enough to do HS on their own at this point. I am not sure. I would most likely sell this house, but I am not sure about that. It is 2.5 acres and taking care of it is HIS baby, I have no desire for a huge yard. We will be married 17 years in about 6 weeks. Edited May 12, 2012 by DawnM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: yep, with or without a friendly police escort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it came to that my sister would take me in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 When my first husband left, he moved out. He actually slept in his suburbian in various locations. It's was all his choice, however. I left the house a month later and moved in with my mom. Then, I got my own apt. and a job to support my boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 shrug My father chose not to live. So I sort of know all about it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Knowing all about it is not a good thing for you. It wouldn't be a good thing to pass on to your kids, either. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 My mother made sure of that. She made certain I would never be in the position she was in... Trapped in an awful marriage with 3 young children, a high school education, and no job skills. It was the best thing she ever did for me. You have an amazing mother. I kicked my husband out and my mother seemed to think it better that me and my kids live in a shelter than move in with her into her gigantic apartment (3 beds, 3 baths for one person). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I see a lot of people thinking they can just "kick out" their husbands. The question posed in the OP doesn't indicate an amicable situation to me. Where I live, you cannot kick out someone who lives in your house. You cannot change the locks. If he wants to get into his own house (whether or not his name is on the mortgage or lease), the police will let him in. And if the police arrive and you decide you don't want to stay with him, you will be allowed to take only necessary toiletries and clothes with you if he disputes anything. ETA - In regards to a PP's post, if you leave without the kids, that most certainly would be abandonment and would not look good for a custody dispute. A woman in that situation would have to have the court order the husband out of the house and to pay spousal support until the divorce is finalized. And yes, moving out without the kids would be seen as abandonment. Which is probably the reason her neighbor's husband isn't leaving. Once she has the house she then faces having to pay the mortgage/ property tax which most divorced women can't manage, so they end up losing the house anyway. If I wanted to divorce my husband I would have to wait until the mortgage was paid off and then file-- and hope the courts decided everything in my favor. It would be a huge gamble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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