melissad2 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: I think my dh is scared of me :). He would never let me leave our house if we spilt up he would insist on being the one to leave. FWIW my house is next door to my parents so I guess it would be awkward for him to stay in the house ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 :crying: I could never let a guy have that power over me. Me either. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I'd probably make him live in the garage, or he could finish off the basement, there's a walkout door. He cleans, he cooks, he'd be a good roommate. If ds had graduated I'd probably turn the classroom into my bedroom and let dh have his own bedroom, again he'd be a good roommate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 You have an amazing mother. I kicked my husband out and my mother seemed to think it better that me and my kids live in a shelter than move in with her into her gigantic apartment (3 beds, 3 baths for one person). Yes I do. I am sorry your mom was not there for you. That must have been very difficult. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 When I separated from my ex husband, I moved in with my mother and stepfather. They had a big enough house that my daughter and I each had our own rooms. We only stayed 6 months, long enough to get over some of the shock and think through options. I worked full time at a fairly well paying job so finances weren't as big of an issue as they could have been but I never could have handled the mortgage on my own. By the time the courts went through the process to make him help, the house would have been foreclosed. If it happened now it would be a little harder. My oldest will be living at college but I now have two little ones and my mother has a much smaller house. I can still work if needed and my dad would help but it would be a big change. I'd probably work harder at making dh leave than I did the first time. But, I really don't see it ever happening given our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 About giving legal advice public forums. For one thing, you may be familiar with the law in your own jurisdiction, but the law varies significantly state by state. Even for South Carolina, this is misleading advice. If someone here wants to leave a husband, she should seek the advice of experienced counsel in her own state. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) About giving legal advice public forums. For one thing, you may be familiar with the law in your own jurisdiction, but the law varies significantly state by state. Even for South Carolina, this is misleading advice. If someone here wants to leave a husband, she should seek the advice of experienced counsel in her own state. :iagree: ETA: For someone without the means, it doesn't even have to be paid representation. There are opportunities (in my state, at least) for women such as free family legal services that can help you and often will not charge you a fee. Edited May 12, 2012 by Element Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaniceO Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Just to say upfront, DH and I have been happily married for 16.5 years. I don't see it as a very likely situation. Being a SAHW/SAHM for all those years, I have occassionally wondered what I would do if something were to happen. I have yet to finish getting my college degree, so I would be in a bit of trouble. Neither of us could stay in the house we are currently in (we usually live in Navy housing, so we'd both have to move). I answered the poll and said I would go stay with my parents (my mom and stepdad), but I would hate taking my kids away from their dad. They would more than likely give me the money to get to them (we live on opposite coasts right now). I would probably stay with them until I (we) could figure out how to afford living wherever he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Dive deep into a bottle of ....something. I honestly would go rent something suitable. I would be out of this house and he could have it - the yard, the housework, the repairs to sell it. We probably would sell it, too, but if I were going to abandon my marriage, unloading the material stuff would be a joy. And I would be delighted to let him be the one trying to keep it clean. I would want money, but not the stuff and certainly not the house! A car, my family heirlooms, and ... honestly, nothing else. I could take the kids or leave them here - I would not rent something far. I am not in the least concerned that this would put me in a weak legal position. Edited May 12, 2012 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Intersting question. If I left my husband, it would ONLY be because of adultery on his part. (Which I have NO reason to ever worry about; just saying). And in that case, my parents would take me in, even though they really don't have room. They wouldn't want me and the boys to be in a shelter. In fact, pretty much any family member I have would take me in for at least a while. But I can't imagine ever needing to do that. My dh would never give me reason to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 In the case of abuse where you think he may follow you and cause harm to you or the kids or the friend or relative with whom you are staying, go to a shelter- directly to a women's shelter. Inquire about unlisted women's safety shelters where he will not be able to readily find you. Stay there at least until an order of protection/ a restraining order is in place! There are lots of houses and lots of living situations, but only one you. Sometimes a restraining order is enough to shake an abuser back into honeymoon phase where he spends time trying to woo you and/ or the kids in order to look like a good guy in court. Although the number of people that buy this charade may shock you, this situation is at least better than making yourself sick over safety issues. I read these posts and happily, thankfully acknowledge that there are many, many women who have never lived in an abusive situation in fear of their husband and what he is capable of doing. However, if someone is reading this that truly needs to get out, go to a lawyer stealthily. Make sure you are not followed. The day he will be served with papers saying that you are pursuing a restraining order and a divorce take your kids and what you can carry and go to a shelter where he can't readily find you, where there are other adults, and where the police make a regular appearance. HTH- Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 About giving legal advice public forums. For one thing, you may be familiar with the law in your own jurisdiction, but the law varies significantly state by state. Even for South Carolina, this is misleading advice. If someone here wants to leave a husband, she should seek the advice of experienced counsel in her own state. I'm not giving legal advice, I'm giving personal experience in my state. :iagree: ETA: For someone without the means, it doesn't even have to be paid representation. There are opportunities (in my state, at least) for women such as free family legal services that can help you and often will not charge you a fee. There are not anywhere near me unless you have been *physically* abused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Intersting question. If I left my husband, it would ONLY be because of adultery on his part. (Which I have NO reason to ever worry about; just saying). And in that case, my parents would take me in, even though they really don't have room. They wouldn't want me and the boys to be in a shelter. In fact, pretty much any family member I have would take me in for at least a while. But I can't imagine ever needing to do that. My dh would never give me reason to. Interesting. I usually agree with you on topics but this one made me :confused: I agree with the adultery but are you saying there is literally no other reason you would leave your dh? What if he was beating you bloody on daily basis? Sexually abusing your children? Using meth every night in your living room with the kids next to him on the couch? Yes, those are all real-life scenarios of women I know. Even if you feel very strongly about divorce (as I do and I know you do) and therefore choose not to divorce him, I have a hard time understanding the idea that adultery would be the ONLY reason you would leave. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 We have been married almost 31 years and love each other to pieces, so it would be very unlikely at this point. If I had to leave for some reason, I would go to my sister's. My parents have both passed away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 shrug My father chose not to live. So I sort of know all about it. What about Cuddlepie? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I guess I need a disclaimer, too, that if it hasn't happened yet, it ain't gonna because we're already almost been there, done that. Plus, we already made a pact that if it ever came to that-the kids come first and we'd still live in the same house. My grandparents did. Most importantly, we went into this without the option of divorce and I love him to bits. And I've been married just about 18 years and I don't think that ending my life is a marker of the depth of my love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Interesting. I usually agree with you on topics but this one made me :confused: I agree with the adultery but are you saying there is literally no other reason you would leave your dh? What if he was beating you bloody on daily basis? Sexually abusing your children? Using meth every night in your living room with the kids next to him on the couch? Yes, those are all real-life scenarios of women I know. Even if you feel very strongly about divorce (as I do and I know you do) and therefore choose not to divorce him, I have a hard time understanding the idea that adultery would be the ONLY reason you would leave. . :iagree: I said that I didn't believe in divorce. I had friends who were divorcing, and I would shake my head and smile my smug smile and tell myself that *I* would never be in that situation. I've actually said that there was nothing that could make me leave my husband. But.... that changed when HE changed. I realized how far he was willing to go outside the boundaries of acceptable and safe behavior around my children. This was not a decision I took lightly, but it was the only choice that would allow me to keep my children in a safe environment where their needs were the first priority. I'm NOT saying your DH will change like mine did. Just that there's no way to know with absolute certainty what the future will hold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 well, that's very hypothetical for me. but assuming i had to leave, i'd go to my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I would go with my adult dc. We pay most of their bills anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If I had time to prepare, I'd head to a motel. If it were an emergency, I'd head to a shelter. If it were long-term (permanent) and I'd had time to prepare, I'd rent a place. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 My MIL always said that she told her dh if he ever left, that was fine, but he had to take the kids too! :D (They had 7 sons) Believe it or not, my hubby and I have this exact agreement. He/She who leaves takes the children. I think that sometimes when things get a little rough and responsibilty seems overwhelming it is easy for some people to think that they will just leave and start over fresh. Knowing that you would have to do it with several children in tow is a serious disincentive. In any situation where I would leave, I would take my children because it would not be safe for them to stay. Should it ever come to that I would go live with my brother (in his empty house that he doesn't use becaue he is an over the road trucker) or my eldest dd. It would take a lot for me to leave though (and adultry is not one of those things. It would pretty much have to be something that endangered the health and safety of me and/or the children). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Do not tempt me. I happen to be miffed at DH right now. :lol: We already have 2 homes so leaving would be easy. One of us would go to one place, and the other would stay put. I would be surprised if we fought over possessions since we do not own anything special. And we both make similar paychecks so not much money to fight over. I cannot imagine not having the financial means to leave. I guess it is just the price of being a SAHM. But knowing I CAN leave makes me feel OK to stay, if that makes sense. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) I vote other. If it were me leaving (and the likelihood would be that I'd toss his sorry a$$ if it came to it), I would just go out on my own. I've been on my own with less to my name before and done just fine. This is the reason why I think every woman needs to know how to and be able to support herself on her own. Stuff happens, no matter how hard you try or how much you plan or how much you believe. ETA: My parents are both deceased and have only one living brother whose health is very poor, so none of those are options. Edited May 12, 2012 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 :iagree: But having said that, I don't "go there" in my thoughts. At all. Unless there were actual abuse. But I think I would have seen that before now in 20 years of marriage. . . I see what you mean. Anyone who knows me knows I'm pretty smitten with my dh, so it's not so much that I think "oh, what'll I do when I leave him," but I am confident that it's a non-issue because 1) we're just fine, and 2) I can take care of myself just fine thankyouverymuch. I don't think of us splitting up, but he could pass away and it would still be just me there needing to take care of it all. So, I'm prepared. Stuff happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 yes That is sad, Melissa. You would strip away your life and your love from 5 children just because one man wanted to end your marriage? How is that a solution? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few... or the one. Life does go on after heartache, and especially more so when there is so much more love surrounding you. You just have to reach out for it. A marriage ended is not the end of the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Different stages in life can make leaving easier or more difficult. My kids nearly grown, I've been married for so long; it would take danger to make me leave. Where I would have gone 20 years ago would not be the same today. I don't go there in my mind either. I know plenty of younger mothers who have no good options waiting, but staying is dangerous. They go to shelters with their little ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abeille Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 I don't have much to add to this discussion, but just in case anyone reading this is in this situation I wanted to caution them not to assume that they will be able to find a shelter to help them. Many women's shelters don't accept male children 13 or older. I understand why that is, but it ruled out local shelters as an option for me when I was looking for help. How pathetic is it that I'm nervous posting even this much? Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KirstenH Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 If it ever came to that, I'd rent or buy a house. I picked hotel because that was the closest thing, and probably my first stop, since it takes time to house hunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Interesting. I usually agree with you on topics but this one made me :confused: I agree with the adultery but are you saying there is literally no other reason you would leave your dh? What if he was beating you bloody on daily basis? Sexually abusing your children? Using meth every night in your living room with the kids next to him on the couch? Yes, those are all real-life scenarios of women I know. Even if you feel very strongly about divorce (as I do and I know you do) and therefore choose not to divorce him, I have a hard time understanding the idea that adultery would be the ONLY reason you would leave. . Sorry Heather, I should have chosen my words more carefully. If my dh were doing any of the things you listed, *I* would not be leaving because he'd be leaving; as in, going to jail. I'd call the police. The only reason I'd *divorce* my dh would be for adultery. But if he were doing something illegal, I'd get the athorities involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) . Edited May 19, 2012 by Northwest_Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefragile7393 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 when my ex left I stayed with friends for two weeks. I couldn't bear to go back into that home. AFter two weeks my kids got back and then I stayed with my parents a few more days until my apt was ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Unfortunately, that isn't always what happens. I have a friend right now whose DH sexually abused their daughter, but they say there is not enough evidence to hold him but they will "continue to investigate." Many, many women are in shelters because the authorities aren't putting these men in jail for similar reasons (he said, she said or not enough evidence, or good lawyers on the DH's side, the list goes on and on.) It is never as simple as, "Oh, I would just kill him." (really? You would go to jail and leave your kids parentless?) or, "Well, he would be in jail." It just may not happen. Dawn Sorry Heather, I should have chosen my words more carefully. If my dh were doing any of the things you listed, *I* would not be leaving because he'd be leaving; as in, going to jail. I'd call the police. The only reason I'd *divorce* my dh would be for adultery. But if he were doing something illegal, I'd get the athorities involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 If I had to leave my house, for whatever reason, especially if I was doing it without DH, I'd go to my parents' house, no question. They'd expect it and would want to be our soft place to land. The other advantage is that my ILs live near my parents, so the kids could have both sets of grandparents nearby. I sincerely hope that even if things went horribly wrong between DH and me that my ILs and I could be civil to each other for the sake of the grandchildren. (I currently have a close relationship with my ILs and really can't conceive of a situation where they'd take DH's side to the extent that they'd forego seeing their grandbabies. If DH left me for another woman, or did something so illegal or dangerous that I had to move our children away from him, I'm pretty sure my ILs would still want to do right for the children. If I left him for someone else [hahahahaha, I've been with DH since I was 14; I wouldn't even know how to find someone else], well, that would probably make things difficult with my ILs.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 If it ever came to that, it wouldn't be me leaving. Unless he put all the kids in school, hired a cook/housekeeper and nanny. Nope, his rear would be the one shufflin off. :iagree: Not that I see this happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 (edited) I have a job, so I'd rent something in town. While I don't disagree with the "he'd be the one leaving" people, I don't want to be in charge of this farm by myself! Our current house also facilitates his career which, if we were staying in contact and sharing custody, I'd certainly want facilitated! If I didn't have a job, or if distance mattered and/or I wanted to stay with someone else for safety, either with my family or a friend. Longer-term - my grandparents own a small condo complex. My father lives in one, and they live in the other, with two smaller apartments. I'd likely move into one of those when there was a chance. Edited May 15, 2012 by ocelotmom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 shrug My father chose not to live. So I sort of know all about it. But please consider your kids. What would that show them about problem solving? When problems get too tough you just kill yourself? You carry scars from what your father selfishly did. Please do not even think to consider that an option for your own kids. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: And I am sorry if the selfish comment is offensive to you but I honestly think suicide is the ultimate selfish act. Hiw can one not consider what it would do to their loved ones? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 If we were having a bad fight, I guess I'd go to a hotel. But if I thought this was going to be crazy protracted legal battle, then I'm staying in the home. He can get out. I have kids and farm animals to take care of. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 :iagree: But having said that, I don't "go there" in my thoughts. At all. Unless there were actual abuse. But I think I would have seen that before now in 20 years of marriage. . . Same here. I can honestly say that I have never thought about that. I have been so mad that I wanted to leave the house for a couple hours, but not leave him. We have been married almost 15 yrs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I don't have much to add to this discussion, but just in case anyone reading this is in this situation I wanted to caution them not to assume that they will be able to find a shelter to help them. Many women's shelters don't accept male children 13 or older. I understand why that is, but it ruled out local shelters as an option for me when I was looking for help. How pathetic is it that I'm nervous posting even this much? Sigh. :grouphug:. My dh found himself in that situation as a young teen. The shelter would take his mom but not him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I have thought about this in terms of death OR divorce. It would be very difficult for me to maintain our house/property on my own. I could do it but it would be difficult. I would also have to buy a truck with a plow because this old mama:DAin't driving a tractor to plow during a blizzard. NO WAY. But the thing that would concern me most about living here is the privacy of it all. I think I would have to sell my home, where I always have hoped I could live out my life, to be in a more populated area to feel safer. Or I could get 50 guard dogs.:lol: If it were divorce, the house would have to sell. I would stay in it until it sold, we would split the money and each buy our own houses with a very large down payment. We will be married 23 years this Sunday. Dh is just as devoted to me now as ever and regularly reminds me how seriously he takes our marriage vows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I see a lot of people thinking they can just "kick out" their husbands. The question posed in the OP doesn't indicate an amicable situation to me. Where I live, you cannot kick out someone who lives in your house. You cannot change the locks. If he wants to get into his own house (whether or not his name is on the mortgage or lease), the police will let him in. And if the police arrive and you decide you don't want to stay with him, you will be allowed to take only necessary toiletries and clothes with you if he disputes anything. ETA - In regards to a PP's post, if you leave without the kids, that most certainly would be abandonment and would not look good for a custody dispute. This is what I've been thinking the entire time I've read through this thread. Some men will just leave if you asked them to...but many will not. You have to get a judge to get him out and give you residency until permenent arrangements are worked out. It is not easy, especially if there is NO money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 That is sad, Melissa. You would strip away your life and your love from 5 children just because one man wanted to end your marriage? How is that a solution? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few... or the one. Life does go on after heartache, and especially more so when there is so much more love surrounding you. You just have to reach out for it. A marriage ended is not the end of the world. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.