....and the saga continues!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

So, I got a card in the mail today from "Molly" (the SDD).

 

It had a nice little thank you note about how she and her mom appreciated the session and the CD. Great.

 

In the card was a $100 bill.

 

On the inside of the front cover of the card was a note from "friend". It said:

 

"Kristin-

This $100 comes from "Nut Job" and "Molly" as a thank you. I also want to thank you for doing this for "Molly".

-"Friend"

 

There was also a note. It said:

 

"Kristin-

I want to apologize for unloading on you. It was unfair and I feel awful for this. I can't go back and undo it. I want to make sure you understand my intentions were never to hurt you. I hope you won't be mad at me forever.

-"Friend"

 

So.....now what?

 

I kind of feel like she's right. She can't take it back....all she can do is say she's sorry. The good person in me wants to say that I can't expect anything more than that.....there isn't anything else she can do. But then again....she DID say and think those things.

 

I feel like this just made things more complicated - at least emotionally - for me.

Edited March 7, 2012 by k2bdeutmeyer

[Mommy22alyns]

I know that we *should* forgive, but I honestly don't know how I could be friends with someone who obviously thinks so poorly of me.

 

:grouphug:

[~Amanda~]

Did SHE pay you? or did the girl that this was supposed to be a gift for pay you? THAT says a lot to me. :(

[Annie G]

Well, if she was REALLY sorry, she'd pay you what she agreed to pay you. Or at least included in the note that she was going to pay you as she could until it was paid in full.

[Tap]

Dear friend,

Thank you for the payment, I do appreciate it. You are right, things done, cannot be undone. I can forgive you, but I don't want to continue our close friendship. If we run into each other at events, great. I will be happy to see you and continue a casual friendship. Beyond that, I will not set myself up to be treated that way by you again. You seemed to know exactly what ammunition to use to hurt me the most, and I am appalled that you would use that information in such a hateful way. Please do not call, write or contact me again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

[Carol in Cal.]

First of all, keep the money. Frankly, they should have paid you the fee they agreed on up front.

 

Secondly, stop and think about how you feel. Not how you should feel, but how you feel. My impression is that you're not angry, but you're not inclined to be trusting again, now that you know that this woman has been resenting everything about you and viewing you as a 'project'.

 

I believe in forgiveness, but I don't think that in this case that implies that you should be BFF's with her. For one thing, she has made it clear that she never viewed the relationship that way. For another, she is abusive. For another, again, she never has been a true friend to you. It's not that she never meant to hurt you. It is that she never was your friend to start with.

 

If she had said in her note, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything that I said. I must have been crazy to say all those things that I didn't mean. You have been so important to me; I don't know what came over me," then you would have something to build on. But she meant all that stuff. So she is not your friend.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be nasty to her; quite the contrary. It just means that you don't confide in her anymore, while still being pleasant. And you think twice before inviting her over as part of a group. And you put your attention elsewhere--I know it's difficult, but that's the next good step to take.

[LostSurprise]

Whether she admits it to herself or not she did intend to hurt you. You don't say all those things without wanting to hurt the other person...at least a little bit. She may not have meant to hurt you as much she did. She may not have meant to burn all her bridges.

 

You can forgive her.

You can be acquaintances/distant/polite friends.

After something like that you can never go back to that level of friendship without a profound love for each other that's willing to risk hurt in order to heal together.

 

I don't see anything in her words that says she's so sorry that you should take that chance, but its up to you.

[NotAVampireLvr]

I think for your own well being, when you are ready, you need to forgive her and move on from this relationship. Obviously you can't avoid her, but I would do my best to keep her at arms length.

[Tree House Academy]

I had to go back and catch myself up on your situation before responding.

 

What happened to you was terrible. Your friend expecting you to do something for free without actually asking was ridiculous and her saying all of the things she said to you was just horrible.

 

I had a friend like this once. Everytime I spoke to her, she would put me down in some way or another. She would laugh it off or act like I should know this about myself, but it really got old. Our friendship finally ended after 3 years due to some crazy circumstance, but I can absolutely say that I do not miss her friendship at all. At first, it was odd to be without her as we spent a lot of time together. However, over time, I came to realize how much better I felt about myself when I didn't have her there constantly putting me down (probably to make herself feel better...because I can promise you...she was NOT perfect by any stretch).

 

All this to say that some "friendships" are just not worth the hurt. Once things have been done, they can't be undone. You will reserve yourself around her now...watch what you say, not invite her over if the house isn't clean, etc. You can't call that a friend! Absolutely FORGIVE her for what she did. Let it go so that it doesn't eat away at YOU...but if I were you, that is one friendship I would just let slip away.

[ssavings]

My grandfather used to say, "you can't unring a bell".

 

Forgiveness is good - I don't believe in holding on to resentment. But what's done can't be undone, and I think it'd be short-sighted to jump back in to a friendship with this person.

[SueinNC]

First of all, keep the money. Frankly, they should have paid you the fee they agreed on up front.

 

Secondly, stop and think about how you feel. Not how you should feel, but how you feel. My impression is that you're not angry, but you're not inclined to be trusting again, now that you know that this woman has been resenting everything about you and viewing you as a 'project'.

 

I believe in forgiveness, but I don't think that in this case that implies that you should be BFF's with her. For one thing, she has made it clear that she never viewed the relationship that way. For another, she is abusive. For another, again, she never has been a true friend to you. It's not that she never meant to hurt you. It is that she never was your friend to start with.

 

If she had said in her note, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything that I said. I must have been crazy to say all those things that I didn't mean. You have been so important to me; I don't know what came over me," then you would have something to build on. But she meant all that stuff. So she is not your friend.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be nasty to her; quite the contrary. It just means that you don't confide in her anymore, while still being pleasant. And you think twice before inviting her over as part of a group. And you put your attention elsewhere--I know it's difficult, but that's the next good step to take.

 

:iagree: Sound advice. Her intentions were to be mean and spiteful just to get the cd for free. Keep her at a distance.

[Pink Fairy]

I recall from your previous posts that you are a Christian, therefore you have to forgive--you have to. But you are not obligated to resume your friendship. Be polite, wish her the best, pray for her, but don't open your heart. She is not safe, and you will never be able to enjoy the same friendship again. It doesn't matter what she says. :(

[Alphabetika]

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean staying in fellowship. Based on her behavior, I'd say steer clear. What happened once can happen again, and with someone this mean-sprited, most likely will.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd make this as the end of the saga rather than a continuation, myself.

 

Her apology has made her feel better without really conceding much. A vent like that ought to be followed up no later than the next day with serious grovelling, not a mere five sentence note.

 

Forgive and stop just short of forgetting. Then move on. There are vastly more worthy people in the world to devote emotional energy to. Go find some people who like you and behave in accordance.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Corraleno]

You know, I think this is actually a really good outcome, for these reasons:

 

(1) You can be polite and cordial to her, instead of enduring awkward silences when you see each other at school.

(2) You can continue to attend your usual meetings with her and the other women, instead of having to explain to them why you had a falling out.

(3) You now know not to ever confide in her or give her any personal info — you can "forgive" her and have a casual relationship without being BFFs or ever trusting her again.

 

You now have the upper hand in the relationship. Forgiving her establishes that you are the bigger (not to mention warmer, nicer, kinder) person, and since you'll never confide in her again, she'll have no more ammo to use against you. If she even tries that crap again, you can smile at her and say "Really? You feel like you're in a position to judge me? How amusing..." Forgiving her while becoming impervious to her criticisms totally shifts the balance of power. Which is pretty funny, since she apparently considered you a "charity case" to begin with — who's asking for mercy and charity now? ;)

 

Jackie

[luvnlattes]

I would accept her apology and forgive her, but a true friend would have never said any of those things, in that way, to you. If she were a true friend she would have brought up any concerns in a carefully worded way that let you know she had your best interests at heart. Her words were mean, spiteful, and cutting.

 

I know you will have to continue to see this woman and interact with her occasionally which is why I would accept the apology, but I would keep everything at a very superficial level from here forward.

[Word Nerd]

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean staying in fellowship. Based on her behavior, I'd say steer clear. What happened once can happen again, and with someone this mean-sprited, most likely will.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

:grouphug:

[meggie]

My grandfather used to say, "you can't unring a bell".

 

Forgiveness is good - I don't believe in holding on to resentment. But what's done can't be undone, and I think it'd be short-sighted to jump back in to a friendship with this person.

 

I recall from your previous posts that you are a Christian, therefore you have to forgive--you have to. But you are not obligated to resume your friendship. Be polite, wish her the best, pray for her, but don't open your heart. She is not safe, and you will never be able to enjoy the same friendship again. It doesn't matter what she says. :(

 

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean staying in fellowship. Based on her behavior, I'd say steer clear. What happened once can happen again, and with someone this mean-sprited, most likely will.

 

I'd make this as the end of the saga rather than a continuation, myself.

 

Her apology has made her feel better without really conceding much. A vent like that ought to be followed up no later than the next day with serious grovelling, not a mere five sentence note.

 

Forgive and stop just short of forgetting. Then move on. There are vastly more worthy people in the world to devote emotional energy to. Go find some people who like you and behave in accordance.

 

Rosie

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Do you have much experience with abusive/manipulative people? They consider themselves allowed to lash out at you and then take it back with a piss poor apology. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." :glare: If she really thought that, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. If she were truly sorry, she would have CALLED you or SEEN you in person, sobbing that she had done something so cruel. She would have owned it 100%. She would have been begging you to forgive her.

 

You can be polite when you see her, "Hello, nice weather we're having." But forgiveness doesn't mean you let someone make you their doormat again.

[Grover]

Do you know what her note really says, if you can read manipulative b*tch?

 

Dear You

 

Just wanted to be sure you know the money isn't from me, you sent the CD anyway, as I intended to guilt you into, nah nah nah, I win, you lose, here's a token apology so I can keep you close and make sure I can use you again whenever I want to.

 

from

 

Your nasty, manipulative, conrtolling "friend"

[amydavis]

I'd make this as the end of the saga rather than a continuation, myself.

 

Her apology has made her feel better without really conceding much. A vent like that ought to be followed up no later than the next day with serious grovelling, not a mere five sentence note.

 

Forgive and stop just short of forgetting. Then move on. There are vastly more worthy people in the world to devote emotional energy to. Go find some people who like you and behave in accordance.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree:

 

You know, I think this is actually a really good outcome, for these reasons:

 

(1) You can be polite and cordial to her, instead of enduring awkward silences when you see each other at school.

(2) You can continue to attend your usual meetings with her and the other women, instead of having to explain to them why you had a falling out.

(3) You now know not to ever confide in her or give her any personal info — you can "forgive" her and have a casual relationship without being BFFs or ever trusting her again.

 

You now have the upper hand in the relationship. Forgiving her establishes that you are the bigger (not to mention warmer, nicer, kinder) person, and since you'll never confide in her again, she'll have no more ammo to use against you. If she even tries that crap again, you can smile at her and say "Really? You feel like you're in a position to judge me? How amusing..." Forgiving her while becoming impervious to her criticisms totally shifts the balance of power. Which is pretty funny, since she apparently considered you a "charity case" to begin with — who's asking for mercy and charity now? ;)

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

[catz]

I know that we *should* forgive, but I honestly don't know how I could be friends with someone who obviously thinks so poorly of me.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: I kind of feel like she probably showed her true colors in this exchange. I'd be civil to her, but I certainly wouldn't use her as a go to friend in thick and thin. She seems unable to manage her emotions in healthy adult ways IMO. :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

I agree with the other posters. You have to forgive her for you to move on, but she did. OT really apologize. If she was really sorry, then she would have come over in person with a check for the full amount she owed you. She used you, and she gave you a token, so you will let her use you again in the future.

 

I love helping my friends, and I freely give things to my friends often, however none of them would ever pull a stunt like that in order to get something for free. They would just ask or pay for whatever service we agreed to.

 

I, as a friend, am less likely to ask for discounts from friends, because it is a way to help them out and get a product that I know will be special because they will give their best work.

 

:grouphug:

[In the Rain]

I would accept her apology and forgive her, but a true friend would have never said any of those things, in that way, to you. If she were a true friend she would have brought up any concerns in a carefully worded way that let you know she had your best interests at heart. Her words were mean, spiteful, and cutting.

 

I know you will have to continue to see this woman and interact with her occasionally which is why I would accept the apology, but I would keep everything at a very superficial level from here forward.

 

:iagree: although I also like Tap's letter.

[Hen]

 

There was also a note. It said:

 

"Kristin-

I want to apologize for unloading on you. It was unfair and I feel awful for this. I can't go back and undo it. I want to make sure you understand my intentions were never to hurt you. I hope you won't be mad at me forever.

-"Friend"

 

So.....now what?

 

......

 

I feel like this just made things more complicated - at least emotionally - for me.

 

having emotionally-manipulating people in my life, I have learned to read between the lines with apologies/make nice letters...here is my translation:

 

"I feel awful for this. I can't go back and undo it. " = You are not the only one hurting, MY sensitive/big heart-ed feelings are in agony right now. I wish I could undo it because I am so super sensitive. REMEMBER I am feeling really bad right now, forget YOUR feelings for a sec.

 

"I want to make sure you understand my intentions were never to hurt you." = Forget what your head and sense of right & wrong are telling you, my intentions were good. Sorry you mis-understood.{insert clipped, understated snark here} If you were hurt, you are too sensitive/read too much into my good intentions.

"I hope you won't be mad at me forever.

-"Friend" = don't be a jerk and hold a grudge against sweet little, good-intentioned -often mis-understood me. Get over feeling bad, I sure did as soon as I left you and got into my car- get over it and go back to serving my needs. I will allow you back into my good graces, and allow you to serve me with fawning, love, attention and/or acts of service until you cross me again.

 

People who emotionally manipulate people get very good at playing on normal people's "goodness" and bank on the fact that normal people try to do give & take and if an apology is offered, a normal person will look for the part they may have played in the incident and take partial ownership, even if it was really not mostly their fault- a normal person may take a bit of ownership just to save the relationship and stretches to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

-a manipulative person banks on this and does not really apologize, just gets the word in there to seem normal. This was not an apology.

 

I think the healthiest thing to do is to stay away from this person. Be kind and distant, but do not get close enough to be used and betrayed again.

 

I am so sorry she hurt and betrayed you. hugs.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Hen Jen

[k2bdeutmeyer]

You know, I think this is actually a really good outcome, for these reasons:

 

(1) You can be polite and cordial to her, instead of enduring awkward silences when you see each other at school.

(2) You can continue to attend your usual meetings with her and the other women, instead of having to explain to them why you had a falling out.

(3) You now know not to ever confide in her or give her any personal info — you can "forgive" her and have a casual relationship without being BFFs or ever trusting her again.

 

You now have the upper hand in the relationship. Forgiving her establishes that you are the bigger (not to mention warmer, nicer, kinder) person, and since you'll never confide in her again, she'll have no more ammo to use against you. If she even tries that crap again, you can smile at her and say "Really? You feel like you're in a position to judge me? How amusing..." Forgiving her while becoming impervious to her criticisms totally shifts the balance of power. Which is pretty funny, since she apparently considered you a "charity case" to begin with — who's asking for mercy and charity now? ;)

 

Jackie

 

First of all....thank you everyone for being my sane voice through all this. I know I let people walk all over me FAR too often. I wish I knew why I find it so hard to stand my ground. Maybe I'm just desperate. I dunno. Sigh.

 

Anyway....Jackie - thank you so, so much for that. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I guess, maybe, I needed "permission" to still go to my group functions, but not be close friends with her anymore. I just can't.

 

I don't know why I'm struggling so much with meshing the voice on the phone with the real person. Maybe I'm still mourning the "friendship" I lost.

[brehon]

So, I got a card in the mail today from "Molly" (the SDD).

 

It had a nice little thank you note about how she and her mom appreciated the session and the CD. Great.

 

In the card was a $100 bill.

 

On the inside of the front cover of the card was a note from "friend". It said:

 

"Kristin-

This $100 comes from "Nut Job" and "Molly" as a thank you. I also want to thank you for doing this for "Molly".

-"Friend"

 

There was also a note. It said:

 

"Kristin-

I want to apologize for unloading on you. It was unfair and I feel awful for this. I can't go back and undo it. I want to make sure you understand my intentions were never to hurt you. I hope you won't be mad at me forever.

-"Friend"

 

So.....now what?

 

I kind of feel like she's right. She can't take it back....all she can do is say she's sorry. The good person in me wants to say that I can't expect anything more than that.....there isn't anything else she can do. But then again....she DID say and think those things.

 

I feel like this just made things more complicated - at least emotionally - for me.

 

 

Nope. Not a continuation, an ending. She gave you a half-a$$ed "apology". Hon, you caught that she didn't *actually* apologize for the absolutely horrid things she said to you. It was the ol' "I'm sorry if what I said hurt/offended/etc you." She got what she wanted and now wants to make nice. Or keep you completely off-balance emotionally. In either case healthy adults don't do that.

 

You can forgive her without letting her back in your life. You owe her nothing except cool civility when you see her. Channel your inner Maggie Smith here. My advice, FWIW, is to make a clean break. But you don't have to decide anything now. Put this on the back burner and take the time to work through *all* your feelings/thoughts.

[tex-mex]

I don't know why I'm struggling so much with meshing the voice on the phone with the real person. Maybe I'm still mourning the "friendship" I lost.

What you experienced is called betrayal, pure and simple.

 

That woman hurt you beyond measure. You need to mourn, forgive and move on. But please build up safe "boundaries" to protect you from a future attack -- meaning, be cordial when you see her. But the friendship is over. She cannot be trusted. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

I wouldn't call it complicated; I'd call it closure.

 

You did the absolute right thing in giving them the CD. You are a very kind and caring person, not to mention a wonderful photographer! Your "friend" is not a kind and caring person; she is miserable and rotten.

 

Forgiveness is good, but don't keep going back for more. Hold your head high and walk away. And go buy yourself something nice with that $100.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

You can be polite when you see her, "Hello, nice weather we're having." But forgiveness doesn't mean you let someone make you their doormat again.

 

You can be more than polite. You can be delightful. Living well is the best revenge.

[SKL]

I'd forgive her in my heart (if you haven't already) and give yourself some space. I think you are still healing. This woman has some significant issues and if you were to befriend her fully right now, you'd be taking on her baggage in the wake of your own hurt. Heal some, and then revisit. No matter what, the relationship will never be what you used to think it was, but maybe you can be the strong person for her someday. Meanwhile, be nice on the surface as you pass her in the hall, just like you would to any person who never was and never will be your true friend.

[Pink Fairy]

The more I think about it, the more I realize this is what she should have written:

 

Dear K,

 

I can't tell you how sorry I am for unloading on you the other day. I was wrong, very very wrong, and I can only hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for being so unkind and such a terrible friend.

 

Sincerely,

 

Friend

[Nakia]

The more I think about it, I think she should have come to your house and given you a face to face apology. That's the least she could have done. She was really awful to you!!

[elegantlion]

If you step back into the friendship then you are giving her permission (in a sense) to pull this carp again. You're supposed to act like a scolded dog and forget it happened?? I call BS!!!!! She'll put you right back under her wing and she'll continue as she did previoiusly, probably at some point reminding you that you need to be more assertive.

 

You can forgive, but you don't have to be friends. That dynamic has changed.

 

I would hold the money and if you can do something special with it. Take the family to dinner and a movie. Better yet, take the kids out to lunch when MB (that would be manipulating B*****) are eating with the girlfriends.

 

Or you could take the 100.00 and buy yourself something. Better yet, go to IKEA and use that as gas money. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

You know, I think this is actually a really good outcome, for these reasons:

 

(1) You can be polite and cordial to her, instead of enduring awkward silences when you see each other at school.

(2) You can continue to attend your usual meetings with her and the other women, instead of having to explain to them why you had a falling out.

(3) You now know not to ever confide in her or give her any personal info — you can "forgive" her and have a casual relationship without being BFFs or ever trusting her again.

 

You now have the upper hand in the relationship. Forgiving her establishes that you are the bigger (not to mention warmer, nicer, kinder) person, and since you'll never confide in her again, she'll have no more ammo to use against you. If she even tries that crap again, you can smile at her and say "Really? You feel like you're in a position to judge me? How amusing..." Forgiving her while becoming impervious to her criticisms totally shifts the balance of power. Which is pretty funny, since she apparently considered you a "charity case" to begin with — who's asking for mercy and charity now? ;)

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

Or you could just write a reply, starting out Well, Bless your heart...

[scrappyhappymama]

Her apology has made her feel better without really conceding much. A vent like that ought to be followed up no later than the next day with serious grovelling, not a mere five sentence note.

 

 

Emotional manipulation is really an ugly beastie. In my experience, manipulative folks are VERY careful about the words they use, and make sure to "apologize" without actually implicating themselves.

 

Here's my translation:

 

I want to apologize for unloading on you. Obviously, you aren't going to be able to get past this until I apologize, so I "want" to. (Notice that wanting to is not the same as actually doing it!) I am guilty of "unloading" on you. Of course, you KNOW the stress I am under, with my step daughter's mom dying and all, and it just all came bubbling up with the added stress of this picture business. (In other words, it's not her fault.)

 

It was unfair and I feel awful for this. It was unfair. (not that I was unfair. Or that the things I said were unfair to you. But rather that this situation, this "unloading" just took us all by surprise and you are the unwitting victim here.) I feel awful for this. (Because, it's SO important in an "apology" for the hurt party to realize that the one in the "wrong" is actually the one hurting.)

 

I can't go back and undo it. I can't go back and undo it. (stating the obvious, and making any expectation of true reconciliation and admission of wrong doing seem unreasonable. It can't be undone, so it should just be forgotten without any admission of wrongdoing.)

 

I want to make sure you understand my intentions were never to hurt you. If you think I was trying to hurt you, then you are guilty of misjudging my motives. You need to realize that any hurt was not in fact my fault, but simply caused by circumstance.

 

I hope you won't be mad at me forever. Because if you are, then the problem lies in your heart, not mine. My conscience is clear.

 

So to summarize: I want to apologize but, it's not my fault, it's not my fault, I am the one hurting here, it's not my fault, you are probably misjudging my motives, and if you refuse to accept my "apology" then you are the one at fault.

 

I know my translation may seem cynical, but as further evidence, didn't she offer you $150 for the CD earlier in this ordeal? So now, her supposedly heartfelt apology is now accompanied by yet another lowering of the value of your work in her estimation. (I don't for one minute believe that the $100 actually came from Molly or her mom, they aren't even local, right?) Now she sends you a note of "reconciliation" accompanies by a lower payment which you are now further manipulated to accept.

 

If she was TRULY sincere, she'd have at the very least paid you what she offered and what she seemed to think was a fair price. Also, her apology would have been more specific, accepting of responsibility for specific actions and hurtful words, and free of justifications and thinly veiled shots across the bow.

 

As such, you are fully justified in still feeling the sting of the situation and you are in NO WAY in the wrong for still feeling badly despite her so-called apology. As satisfying as a return note might be, personally I'd refrain from sending one, as I'd guess she is the type who will always want the last word, and it will only serve to give her more of your own words to twist.

 

Ultimately, I do think you will want to forgive her, but I think it is reasonable for that process to take longer when an apology has not come, or was offered insincerely. I would personally move on as if no apology has been made, but treating her civilly and as you would any acquaintance at preschool drop-off. Since she thinks she has apologized, she'll probably be civil as well. But for your own emotional well-being, I would politely rebuff any attempts at further intimacy or reconciliation.

[StephanieZ]

That's great -- she made a minimal apology. Super. If you like, you can let her know that "No worries. Apology accepted."

 

Now you can be civil and "friendly" when you bump into her at whatever functions you need to see her at. You can even be fake friends if you want to in order to smooth things over socially.

 

But, for God's sake, unless you are a masochist, never, ever, in a million years, trust this woman again. She is not your friend. She is dangerous. She does not need to know you know that. She can think you are "friends". But, you are not.

 

When you bump into her, be cool and civil and polite. "Hi! You look great! Nice sweater! Gotta fly!"

[Lizzie in Ma]

First of all, keep the money. Frankly, they should have paid you the fee they agreed on up front.

 

Secondly, stop and think about how you feel. Not how you should feel, but how you feel. My impression is that you're not angry, but you're not inclined to be trusting again, now that you know that this woman has been resenting everything about you and viewing you as a 'project'.

 

I believe in forgiveness, but I don't think that in this case that implies that you should be BFF's with her. For one thing, she has made it clear that she never viewed the relationship that way. For another, she is abusive. For another, again, she never has been a true friend to you. It's not that she never meant to hurt you. It is that she never was your friend to start with.

 

If she had said in her note, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything that I said. I must have been crazy to say all those things that I didn't mean. You have been so important to me; I don't know what came over me," then you would have something to build on. But she meant all that stuff. So she is not your friend.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be nasty to her; quite the contrary. It just means that you don't confide in her anymore, while still being pleasant. And you think twice before inviting her over as part of a group. And you put your attention elsewhere--I know it's difficult, but that's the next good step to take.

 

Good advice. :iagree:

[trlt]

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. I had a "friend" that did similar things to me and I know how bad it hurts. :grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Thank you again....to everyone. Your support means the world to me.

 

I was laying in bed, talking to DH last night when I realized that I really just WANT my life to go back to normal. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just say "she's a big fat meanie and I don't want her as my friend". Well, I can say it, and when I think about the phonecall, I get hurt all over again, but it's so hard to give that up in real life. Even though I know the "friendship" was never really real now.

 

I wanted a friend to go to coffee with, or to just call up and say "wanna run to Target with me?" for so long. I felt like I FINALLY had that.....and it was SOOO nice. I just really don't WANT to give that up. I think that's my problem. Part of me just wants to pretend like nothing happened so I can still have my life.

 

This would be a very stupid move on my part. I know this. But, it is so hard!

[Harriet Vane]

First of all, keep the money. Frankly, they should have paid you the fee they agreed on up front.

 

Secondly, stop and think about how you feel. Not how you should feel, but how you feel. My impression is that you're not angry, but you're not inclined to be trusting again, now that you know that this woman has been resenting everything about you and viewing you as a 'project'.

 

I believe in forgiveness, but I don't think that in this case that implies that you should be BFF's with her. For one thing, she has made it clear that she never viewed the relationship that way. For another, she is abusive. For another, again, she never has been a true friend to you. It's not that she never meant to hurt you. It is that she never was your friend to start with.

 

If she had said in her note, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean anything that I said. I must have been crazy to say all those things that I didn't mean. You have been so important to me; I don't know what came over me," then you would have something to build on. But she meant all that stuff. So she is not your friend.

 

That doesn't mean that you have to be nasty to her; quite the contrary. It just means that you don't confide in her anymore, while still being pleasant. And you think twice before inviting her over as part of a group. And you put your attention elsewhere--I know it's difficult, but that's the next good step to take.

:iagree:

[pdalley]

Thank you again....to everyone. Your support means the world to me.

 

I was laying in bed, talking to DH last night when I realized that I really just WANT my life to go back to normal. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just say "she's a big fat meanie and I don't want her as my friend". Well, I can say it, and when I think about the phonecall, I get hurt all over again, but it's so hard to give that up in real life. Even though I know the "friendship" was never really real now.

 

I wanted a friend to go to coffee with, or to just call up and say "wanna run to Target with me?" for so long. I felt like I FINALLY had that.....and it was SOOO nice. I just really don't WANT to give that up. I think that's my problem. Part of me just wants to pretend like nothing happened so I can still have my life.

 

This would be a very stupid move on my part. I know this. But, it is so hard!

 

But isn't wondering when she's going to torpedo you next going to keep you from enjoying that? Wondering what she's really thinking? It would eat me alive. I'd be constantly worried about what information she'd be gathering for her next attack.

 

Cause she will do it again. I can't get over how she continues to devalue your work. Now she offers a paltry $100? After she offered $150? After she knew your rates upfront?

 

No, I'd forgive her, and give her a VERY wide berth. Smile, nod, keep it shallow and keep moving.

:grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

But isn't wondering when she's going to torpedo you next going to keep you from enjoying that? Wondering what she's really thinking? It would eat me alive. I'd be constantly worried about what information she'd be gathering for her next attack.

 

Yes....definitely. I think that feeling will be more real when I'm around her in person more. I really have had VERY limited contact with her since this all happened (I've seen her once in the hall - when I told her the CD was coming - that's it).

[Chris in VA]

You know, I think this is actually a really good outcome, for these reasons:

 

(1) You can be polite and cordial to her, instead of enduring awkward silences when you see each other at school.

(2) You can continue to attend your usual meetings with her and the other women, instead of having to explain to them why you had a falling out.

(3) You now know not to ever confide in her or give her any personal info — you can "forgive" her and have a casual relationship without being BFFs or ever trusting her again.

You now have the upper hand in the relationship. Forgiving her establishes that you are the bigger (not to mention warmer, nicer, kinder) person, and since you'll never confide in her again, she'll have no more ammo to use against you. If she even tries that crap again, you can smile at her and say "Really? You feel like you're in a position to judge me? How amusing..." Forgiving her while becoming impervious to her criticisms totally shifts the balance of power. Which is pretty funny, since she apparently considered you a "charity case" to begin with — who's asking for mercy and charity now? ;)

 

Jackie

 

:iagree: with the bolded.

 

I'd be tempted to send her a note back:

 

Dear ---,

Thanks for the $. Where's the rest of it?

 

But I wouldn't. Nor should you.

 

Just chalk it up to one of those times someone screwed up really big, and pray for her growth as a person so she doesn't do this to someone else. Be kind, but practice good boundaries. It's not ok to treat people like she did and expect an apology to cover it all. The consequence, even if one is forgiven, is a lack of trust on the part of the assaulted person, and an ending of the allowance of intimacy. Her loss. Yours, too, really, but ykwim.

It sounds like forgiveness is in order--that is on you. But repentence, that's on her, and she sounds like she might be there or might not. IDK.

 

Again, just sorry you had to go thru it all. :grouphug:

[Angie in VA]

I think you should forgive her. It will be good for your health: emotional, physical and spiritual. (This would take me some to time to do, btw.)

 

I don't believe forgiveness means having a relationship w/ her. Forgive, and let go. Or better said, let go now, and forgive as soon as you can.

 

(((Kristin)))

[In the Rain]

Thank you again....to everyone. Your support means the world to me.

 

I was laying in bed, talking to DH last night when I realized that I really just WANT my life to go back to normal. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just say "she's a big fat meanie and I don't want her as my friend". Well, I can say it, and when I think about the phonecall, I get hurt all over again, but it's so hard to give that up in real life. Even though I know the "friendship" was never really real now.

 

I wanted a friend to go to coffee with, or to just call up and say "wanna run to Target with me?" for so long. I felt like I FINALLY had that.....and it was SOOO nice. I just really don't WANT to give that up. I think that's my problem. Part of me just wants to pretend like nothing happened so I can still have my life.

 

This would be a very stupid move on my part. I know this. But, it is so hard!

 

It is easy to come down hard on your friend. What she did was incredibly unkind, and actually kind of bizarre.:glare: It sounds like you really miss her though.

 

There are families with dynamics like that. People store up hurt feelings and then just dump them. I'm not saying it is healthy, but it is how some people were raised, and how they continue to deal with others. Only you and she really know, but your friend sounds like one of those people. Sometimes people even say things they might not mean, just to build their case. People in families forgive each other and move on after such outbursts. If you see her as a friend close enough to be a sister, maybe you can forgive her and move on- but with new boundaries!

 

That said, I couldn't do it. But maybe you can. Maybe you can view her as a really hurt and angry person who needs forgiveness and a friend. She could be your charity case. :lol: Maybe you could continue to have her as a Target shopping buddy.

 

If you really miss her, and in your heart you have forgiven her, then let her back in your life with new boundaries. Don't let the hive make up your mind for you. We don't know her, or you.

 

Also, don't belittle yourself and what felt like true friendship by saying it wasn't ever a true friendship. Your friend blew up, and blew it (big time). That doesn't mean she didn't care for you. Maybe she is a hurt person too. :confused:

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

Kristin, I know that YOU know that you need to forgive her.

 

You need to truly, really forgive her. Which, as we all know, is h.a.r.d. sometimes.

 

What I do when someone has lashed out at me and hurt me like that is to think of my OWN shortcomings. I think of ways in my past that I have really, really blown it. Then I think of the forgiveness others have extented to me. More importantly however, I think of the forgiveness the Lord has given me for some really, really awful ways I've sinned against him. Those things help me find it easier to truly forgive others when they've wronged me.

 

However.

 

Forgiveness does not always have to equal the offender returning to their previous relationship with you. It can, of course. If you're willing and wanting to do that. And for certain extremely important relationships, that's frequently the case (for example, with a spouse, child, or very dear friend). But the thing is, the relationship that you thought you and your friend had was not, in fact, the relationship you actually had. She spelled that out quite clearly in her attack on you. So now that you know more fully what sort of relationship you and she really had, you can decide how to proceed from here.

 

You need to treat her with grace and kindness when you see her; you know that. We are not obligated to be best friends with everyone we meet who wants to 'befriend' us. And this lady has an, um, interesting idea of what befriending someone means.

 

If I were you, I'd not say anthing directly to her regarding her note. I'd simply carry on with my life how I want. If I saw her, I'd be polite and kind. But I wouldn't treat her as a close friend like in the past.

[bookfiend]

Thank you again....to everyone. Your support means the world to me.

 

I was laying in bed, talking to DH last night when I realized that I really just WANT my life to go back to normal. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just say "she's a big fat meanie and I don't want her as my friend". Well, I can say it, and when I think about the phonecall, I get hurt all over again, but it's so hard to give that up in real life. Even though I know the "friendship" was never really real now.

 

I wanted a friend to go to coffee with, or to just call up and say "wanna run to Target with me?" for so long. I felt like I FINALLY had that.....and it was SOOO nice. I just really don't WANT to give that up. I think that's my problem. Part of me just wants to pretend like nothing happened so I can still have my life.

 

This would be a very stupid move on my part. I know this. But, it is so hard!

 

Come to NC and be my friend! I agree with everyone who says the note was not an apology, but an excuse and it also sets up the future so that any tense moments are the result of "your" unforgiveness.

 

While I have the impression that you aren't comfortable addressing her in a direct and forthright manner, failing to respond will just leave you feeling anxious everytime you know that your paths are planned to cross again. You will anticipate each meeting, wonder how she will treat you, what should you say. I think you would be best served by responding to her note with something that will give YOU true closure. Only time and right thinking will begin to heal your bruised heart.

 

Here is one approach:

 

Dear Center of the Universe,

 

Thank you for your apology. I'm glad that Molly and Nutjob have these photos and sweet memories as they face a difficult future. Please know that I don't harbor any anger or unforgiveness toward you. However, I do believe that you spoke the true feelings of your heart. As such, we really don't have the basis for a continuing friendship. May God go with you in the future.

 

with kind regard,

one amazing lady.

[lorilou]

Dear friend,

Thank you for the payment, I do appreciate it. You are right, things done, cannot be undone. I can forgive you, but I don't want to continue our close friendship. If we run into each other at events, great. I will be happy to see you and continue a casual friendship. Beyond that, I will not set myself up to be treated that way by you again. You seemed to know exactly what ammunition to use to hurt me the most, and I am appalled that you would use that information in such a hateful way. Please do not call, write or contact me again.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

 

Pretty much ditto, except for the payment part. Since the payment is supposedly from Molly and NJ, I would send it back to Molly with a note saying that the pics were *my* gift to them.

 

:grouphug: So sorry that you've gone through this!

[Upward Journey]

Well, if she was REALLY sorry, she'd pay you what she agreed to pay you. Or at least included in the note that she was going to pay you as she could until it was paid in full.

 

:iagree: She got what she wanted and now she's playing nice. :glare: