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jewellsmommy
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5LittleMonkeys

5LittleMonkeys

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I'm with Mindy...I'm literally crying right now. What a blessing you are to this little boy! I will pray that His light continues to show you the way and that those you feel the need to tell about this will react and behave with as much grace and compassion as you have. :grouphug:

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SailorMom

SailorMom

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:grouphug::grouphug:

First - I want to say I think it is wondrful that you ar emaking every effort to help him.

There is something else you need to consider. Not that you need to change what you are doing, but just keep it in the back of your head.

It is possible that whatever he went through has had more detrimental and permanent damage than is apparent now. I know most people think of sociopaths as violet murderers, but many are not. However, they do plenty of damage to those around them who are unaware of how a sociopath works. If you, and those close to you, are informed, aware, and never let him get away with it, you have a good chance of at least controlling what is happening.

My sister is one. No one ever knew. She abused me. She has destroyed the lives of many people. It wasn't until I was in my 30's I figured it all out. I now have no contact with my entire family because she has convinced them all that I am insane and trying to ruin her life.

So - for his sake, for your sake, and for everyone close to you - please do some reseach and look this up. There are actually some good resources on the net.

Hang in there, and bless you and your family.

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texasmama

texasmama

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:grouphug: It sounds like you are receiving all of the services that your family and your son needs. Make sure that you understand completely what it means to parent a child with RAD into adulthood. Talk to everyone you can about what this experience will be like. Love and compassion will not cure RAD. These children are exhausting and difficult to parent. It is not a weakness to choose not to do this. (I don't mean to sound discouraging, but as a therapist I have worked with RAD kids in the foster care system. My brother and sister in law have also adopted a RAD child from foster care.)

 

This is a child who can never, ever be left alone with other kids. (It sounds like you really understand this.) This may or may not always be the case, but you need to think ahead about what it will be like if you can never leave an adolescent unsupervised.

 

Be aware of the needs and emotional impact that this child will have (and has had) on your dd. She is young to be dealing with such severe behaviors. She needs support, as well.

 

I will pray for you. :grouphug: Again, I don't mean to discourage, but the issues you describe are not likely to go away, and the road ahead will most likely be very difficult. Although no one can predict the future, there is a lot of experience and research available to support the feedback I am giving.

 

Also, there are Christian LCSW's practicing in all types of agencies/settings. I'm one who is practicing in a secular setting. I'm glad you have found a helpful professional to guide you.

 

ETA: I realize that my words are not encouraging, and I do apologize for that. My intent is to help and give experience so you can make a well-informed decision. I've watched many folks make decisions of these type when they are not well-informed, and that has been very sad to watch.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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I live every day of my life the way you are going to have to. It is NOT easy. Your son will some day be stronger than you and your dd. You need to be VERY realistic about this. 7 years out and I have a kid attached to my hip when I have to go to the bathroom, and when she does. I have to place her in her room when I shower (she used to be WITH me there, too!) and I have to put the alarm on her door. She can NEVER be left unattended. EVER. If she is, an animal will be hurt (or worse!), the house will be damaged, SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. I can NEVER relax in the presence of others. We have amazing support but have also been shunned. The shunning is excruciating. She has torn our family apart. Dh and I are rebuilding our marriage (we have been lost in caretaking of ill/dying family members, dealing with a RAD dd, my head injury, just TOO MUCH STUFF!!!) and truly enjoying one and other and putting each other and dd11 first IN EVERYTHING because our worlds revolved around dd8 and everyone else was left in the dust. This Did Not Help dd8, It Made Her Worse!!! Now I expect appropriate behavior or else she goes to her room, alarm on, for quiet time. You have NO IDEA how exhausting it is to have to parent a child like this long term.

 

The affects she's had on my other children, my birth children, will last forever. Dd11 has had to suffer so much, too. My boys went to ps 5 years ago so they got a break from her during the day. Still, the damage she's done to our family will never go away. Again, she's so much better now but it's really too late. My oldest has moved out and my youngest has all but moved out. His best friend lives a couple miles from home and he spends all his time there, with our permission.

 

Some children are simply better off NOT being raised in a family. Because of your dd, I would SERIOUSLY reconsider whether or not this is right for your family. Have you done a lot of reading on RAD to FULLY prepare yourself for what your future holds with this child?

 

I'm sorry I'm not encouraging.

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Impish

Impish

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RAD is the sole reason we've decided against pursuing adoption.

 

I was on an adoption board (I think its adoption.org, not sure, the link was on my other tower) that had parents who adopted, fostered, fostered to adopt, and dealt w/RAD.

 

Be aware that just keeping him in visual contact won't solve all the issues. Children with RAD can and will seek to destroy the family. This includes making false allegations of abuse, parents arrested, children taken into care. Typically, children with RAD are 'perfect' for those outside the family. Charming, loving, nobody believes that there's anything wrong at all with the child.

 

Love won't fix RAD. If it did, adoptions would never disrupt.

 

Just b/c he hasn't gone after your dd doesn't mean he won't. Esp as he grows and gets bigger and stronger than her and you.

 

I wish you and your family all the love, strength and wisdom to get through whatever lies ahead. :grouphug::grouphug:

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Penny from Tenny

Penny from Tenny

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I'm with Mindy...I'm literally crying right now. What a blessing you are to this little boy! I will pray that His light continues to show you the way and that those you feel the need to tell about this will react and behave with as much grace and compassion as you have. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Much hugs...:grouphug:

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happyhomemaker25

happyhomemaker25

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All I can say is please, please, please read everything about RAD you can get your hands on. Please! I don't know if you have signed adoption papers yet, BUT if you have not please go into this with your eyes WIDE OPEN! Love will not cure him. Love is not enough for him. He does not even want your love. It's not his fault. Someone broke him. It's so devestating. Can RAD kids be parented? Yes. Successfully even. The years it takes to get there are some of the most horrible years you will ever face though. Sometimes there is no success.

Good luck. My prayers are with you.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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Thank you all. To those who felt that they were discouraging, don't worry. If I can't handle the "reality" of your all's words then I have no business even considering this road.

 

Please don't think that I take this lightly. Especially the effect on dd. We are all in counseling. We talk and listen to dd daily. She gets us for an hour to herself every night after he has gone to bed. I used to feel guilty about that, but not anymore. Dh and I feel that she needs that time with us. Ds also goes to stay the night with his grandparents almost every friday. It is a really weird situation as far as his extended family goes and why he's with us instead. But, we have a good relationship with them and they are very supportive. We have discussed, in depth, many times about when his hormones really kick in and he gets bigger. Right now he is really small for his age, but I know this will change. We are taking this one step at a time.

 

I am reading up on RAD and have had the tar scared out of me a number of times already! I must say that from what I have read, we are blessed though because he could be much worse. We are seeing improvements in impulse control and have had no rages since he has been home. But, our guard will never go down. There is simply too much at stake and I realize that.

 

We have an awesome church family and my mom and dad live next door. Everyone involved knows what's going on and is on the same page; our Pastor, sunday school teachers, friends, family...

 

We have returned to God over and over for affirmation. Each time dh and I walk away with the same understanding: to stay the course. If we are ever released from that, we will respond accordingly. We also heed the words of the professionals. They tell us he will likely have to be re-committed a few more times and that is "par for the course" in cases like his. We will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary both for his well being and ours.

 

Thank you so much to all of you who have responded.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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I don't think he will ever be adoptable legally. At least we have been told he won't be. We were asked to be his guardians. We did not seek a child to adopt. We were sought out to take him from a guardian who was giving him up. Before that he was with a different guardian who gave him up but kept his older brother. Very sad story. Neither he nor his siblings are in the foster system. It is a really unusual situation.

 

 

All I can say is please, please, please read everything about RAD you can get your hands on. Please! I don't know if you have signed adoption papers yet, BUT if you have not please go into this with your eyes WIDE OPEN! Love will not cure him. Love is not enough for him. He does not even want your love. It's not his fault. Someone broke him. It's so devestating. Can RAD kids be parented? Yes. Successfully even. The years it takes to get there are some of the most horrible years you will ever face though. Sometimes there is no success.

Good luck. My prayers are with you.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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RAD is the sole reason we've decided against pursuing adoption.

 

I was on an adoption board (I think its adoption.org, not sure, the link was on my other tower) that had parents who adopted, fostered, fostered to adopt, and dealt w/RAD.

 

Be aware that just keeping him in visual contact won't solve all the issues. Children with RAD can and will seek to destroy the family. This includes making false allegations of abuse, parents arrested, children taken into care. Typically, children with RAD are 'perfect' for those outside the family. Charming, loving, nobody believes that there's anything wrong at all with the child.

 

Love won't fix RAD. If it did, adoptions would never disrupt.

 

Just b/c he hasn't gone after your dd doesn't mean he won't. Esp as he grows and gets bigger and stronger than her and you.

 

I wish you and your family all the love, strength and wisdom to get through whatever lies ahead. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

I have read about the likelihood of allegations. We are very careful and stay in what dh calls C.Y.A mode when it comes to that sort of thing. That is one of the reasons we have been so open with those around us.

 

As far as fooling other people...he is charming to total strangers like the mailman who sees him for 30 sec a day. Everyone else has seen his "dark side." He is not a very good manipulator and he is an even worse liar. Either that or dh and I are just really good at reading body language. :tongue_smilie: Sometimes I feel like the guy on that show "Lie To Me." Dh says I sound like Judge Judy. :lol: We try to find humor wherever we can. Again, I feel blessed to be set up so well as far as the people in our life.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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I shared your post and some of the others with dh. After his full body shudder, he said to relay his gratitude for your candidness. Ours eyes are, indeed, wide open. :001_smile: Even with this, I know that we cannot begin to imagine what it is to actually walk a mile in these shoes until we have done it.

 

The door alarm has become a good friend of ours. We all sleep better and I can even take a shower in peace! We do our best to make sure that he does not get to control our life. We have a very good therapist who is helping us to set wonderful boundaries, guidelines and healthy ways to relate.

 

 

 

I hope things continue to improve for you and your family.

 

 

I live every day of my life the way you are going to have to. It is NOT easy. Your son will some day be stronger than you and your dd. You need to be VERY realistic about this. 7 years out and I have a kid attached to my hip when I have to go to the bathroom, and when she does. I have to place her in her room when I shower (she used to be WITH me there, too!) and I have to put the alarm on her door. She can NEVER be left unattended. EVER. If she is, an animal will be hurt (or worse!), the house will be damaged, SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. I can NEVER relax in the presence of others. We have amazing support but have also been shunned. The shunning is excruciating. She has torn our family apart. Dh and I are rebuilding our marriage (we have been lost in caretaking of ill/dying family members, dealing with a RAD dd, my head injury, just TOO MUCH STUFF!!!) and truly enjoying one and other and putting each other and dd11 first IN EVERYTHING because our worlds revolved around dd8 and everyone else was left in the dust. This Did Not Help dd8, It Made Her Worse!!! Now I expect appropriate behavior or else she goes to her room, alarm on, for quiet time. You have NO IDEA how exhausting it is to have to parent a child like this long term.

 

The affects she's had on my other children, my birth children, will last forever. Dd11 has had to suffer so much, too. My boys went to ps 5 years ago so they got a break from her during the day. Still, the damage she's done to our family will never go away. Again, she's so much better now but it's really too late. My oldest has moved out and my youngest has all but moved out. His best friend lives a couple miles from home and he spends all his time there, with our permission.

 

Some children are simply better off NOT being raised in a family. Because of your dd, I would SERIOUSLY reconsider whether or not this is right for your family. Have you done a lot of reading on RAD to FULLY prepare yourself for what your future holds with this child?

 

I'm sorry I'm not encouraging.

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Julie in CA

Julie in CA

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I have a little bit of personal experience with RAD, though it's not probably useful to go into the details. I *so* much want to be supportive, but...

 

I'm worried for your daughter.

 

I understand that you are confident in her ability to deal with all of this, but is it at all possible that you're underestimating the damage that has already been done, and even more, underestimating what will happen in the future? Just because he's not done anything to her *yet* doesn't mean that when he's bigger and stronger, the already-present predatory behavior won't be turned in her direction. I'm just not sure that's a fair sacrifice to make on her behalf, especially in light of the recent situation at church. One slip, one oversight, one moment of relaxed vigilance, either on your part or someone else's...it's a whole lot of risk to take on, and it's a choice you're making not just for yourself, but for others around you.

 

I sincerely hope you're not offended by my opinion, and please know that I'll be praying deeply for your family, and for those affected by these big decisions. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

ETA: I agree with the folks here who have applauded your kindness and determination, but the people who've dealt with RAD in their daily lives are overwhelmingly less optimistic, and for some really good reasons.

Edited by Julie in CA
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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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No offense taken. You haven't said anything that dh and I haven't said ourselves.

 

Let me say...We would never, ever sacrifice our dd for anything. I jumped through a thousand hoops just to get pregnant and it was all her, all the time for 8 yrs. She has had a lot of medical issues in her young life. She is a fighter. However, I don't expect her to have to be in her own family, if that makes sense. Right now, I do not doubt that she is safe. Will I feel that same way in 3 yrs? I don't know. Dh and I will cross that bridge if we have to. The LCSW told us that if it ever came to a situation like that, then ds would likely be placed in an institutional setting. I wish this situation came with promises and guarantees, but it doesn't.

 

We can only act on the info we have right now. That doesn't mean that we will ignore future changes. It is too premature to assume him un-redeemable (not that you are saying that, just something dh and I have talked about). The LCSW, dh, and I have all said that if we are still in this tenuous of a situation when he is approaching 11; if we are no farther along, then re-evaluation will be necessary.

 

Dd knows about his past and some of what was done to him. Some may disagree with this, but she knows that he has been a victim of "bad touching" and how much that hurts people in their hearts and minds. She understands as well as a 9 yr old can (she had a recent bday). Even though he is a pain at times, she actually missed him the week he was gone :001_huh:.

 

I also know that God would not sacrifice our dd for ds. We will all come out closer and stronger through this, one way or another. :001_smile: I greatly appreciate your prayers. Feel free to put us on any prayer list you may have! Pray for our protection and that we continue to hear God through this.

 

 

 

I have a little bit of personal experience with RAD, though it's not probably useful to go into the details. I *so* much want to be supportive, but...

 

I'm worried for your daughter.

 

I understand that you are confident in her ability to deal with all of this, but is it at all possible that you're underestimating the damage that has already been done, and even more, underestimating what will happen in the future? Just because he's not done anything to her *yet* doesn't mean that when he's bigger and stronger, the already-present predatory behavior won't be turned in her direction. I'm just not sure that's a fair sacrifice to make on her behalf, especially in light of the recent situation at church. One slip, one oversight, one moment of relaxed vigilance, either on your part or someone else's...it's a whole lot of risk to take on, and it's a choice you're making not just for yourself, but for others around you.

 

I sincerely hope you're not offended by my opinion, and please know that I'll be praying deeply for your family, and for those affected by these big decisions. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

ETA: I agree with the folks here who have applauded your kindness and determination, but the people who've dealt with RAD in their daily lives are overwhelmingly less optimistic, and for some really good reasons.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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Posted

[This is very difficult to enter from my phone so forgive typis.

 

You just said something that made me so sad that i can barely handle it. You said that god wouldnt sacrifice your dd for your ds. Well then god loves you more than he loves me because thats exactly what i feel happened in our family. I can barely stand to think of it or i will die of a broken heart. I love my adopted dd but the price our family has paid is tuly too great and the abandonment i fwel by god for this and one othwr thing has left me wondering if god is real. When i remember how strongly i felt that saving one of gods children surely must have been his will and the n have our lives shattered....... im so sorrybut i just had tto type out my words.

 

 

I admire your determination. I also had that at obe time but its been beaten out of me and im too tired and broken to ever think ill have itagain.

 

 

 

QUOTE=jewellsmommy;2890001]No offense taken. You haven't said anything that dh and I haven't said ourselves.

 

Let me say...We would never, ever sacrifice our dd for anything. I jumped through a thousand hoops just to get pregnant and it was all her, all the time for 8 yrs. She has had a lot of medical issues in her young life. She is a fighter. However, I don't expect her to have to be in her own family, if that makes sense. Right now, I do not doubt that she is safe. Will I feel that same way in 3 yrs? I don't know. Dh and I will cross that bridge if we have to. The LCSW told us that if it ever came to a situation like that, then ds would likely be placed in an institutional setting. I wish this situation came with promises and guarantees, but it doesn't.

 

We can only act on the info we have right now. That doesn't mean that we will ignore future changes. It is too premature to assume him un-redeemable (not that you are saying that, just something dh and I have talked about). The LCSW, dh, and I have all said that if we are still in this tenuous of a situation when he is approaching 11; if we are no farther along, then re-evaluation will be necessary.

 

Dd knows about his past and some of what was done to him. Some may disagree with this, but she knows that he has been a victim of "bad touching" and how much that hurts people in their hearts and minds. She understands as well as a 9 yr old can (she had a recent bday). Even though he is a pain at times, she actually missed him the week he was gone :001_huh:.

 

I also know that God would not sacrifice our dd for ds. We will all come out closer and stronger through this, one way or another. :001_smile: I greatly appreciate your prayers. Feel free to put us on any prayer list you may have! Pray for our protection and that we continue to hear God through this.

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jewellsmommy

jewellsmommy

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Oh, pleeaase don't read that out of what I said :crying:. You are not at the end of your journey. Your children may still "rise up and call you blessed." You have loved your children. They will one day view all your family has gone through with different eyes. For all you know, one of your children will face a difficult time with one of their own children and they will look back to their childhood for strength. You just never know. Please know I did not mean to hurt you. And I don't believe that God will sacrifice your children anymore than he would my dd. I know you feel that way but you just never know what the future holds. I am sure you have always done the best you can with love.

 

 

 

[This is very difficult to enter from my phone so forgive typis.

 

You just said something that made me so sad that i can barely handle it. You said that god wouldnt sacrifice your dd for your ds. Well then god loves you more than he loves me because thats exactly what i feel happened in our family. I can barely stand to think of it or i will die of a broken heart. I love my adopted dd but the price our family has paid is tuly too great and the abandonment i fwel by god for this and one othwr thing has left me wondering if god is real. When i remember how strongly i felt that saving one of gods children surely must have been his will and the n have our lives shattered....... im so sorrybut i just had tto type out my words.

 

 

I admire your determination. I also had that at obe time but its been beaten out of me and im too tired and broken to ever think ill have itagain.

 

 

 

QUOTE=jewellsmommy;2890001]No offense taken. You haven't said anything that dh and I haven't said ourselves.

 

Let me say...We would never, ever sacrifice our dd for anything. I jumped through a thousand hoops just to get pregnant and it was all her, all the time for 8 yrs. She has had a lot of medical issues in her young life. She is a fighter. However, I don't expect her to have to be in her own family, if that makes sense. Right now, I do not doubt that she is safe. Will I feel that same way in 3 yrs? I don't know. Dh and I will cross that bridge if we have to. The LCSW told us that if it ever came to a situation like that, then ds would likely be placed in an institutional setting. I wish this situation came with promises and guarantees, but it doesn't.

 

We can only act on the info we have right now. That doesn't mean that we will ignore future changes. It is too premature to assume him un-redeemable (not that you are saying that, just something dh and I have talked about). The LCSW, dh, and I have all said that if we are still in this tenuous of a situation when he is approaching 11; if we are no farther along, then re-evaluation will be necessary.

 

Dd knows about his past and some of what was done to him. Some may disagree with this, but she knows that he has been a victim of "bad touching" and how much that hurts people in their hearts and minds. She understands as well as a 9 yr old can (she had a recent bday). Even though he is a pain at times, she actually missed him the week he was gone :001_huh:.

 

I also know that God would not sacrifice our dd for ds. We will all come out closer and stronger through this, one way or another. :001_smile: I greatly appreciate your prayers. Feel free to put us on any prayer list you may have! Pray for our protection and that we continue to hear God through this.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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[

 

Im sorry.....YOU did not hurt me....... some of your words brought somereally painful things up. Not because of you....its things i have to faceat times and its just too much.g

:grouphug:

 

QUOTE=jewellsmommy;2890106]Oh, pleeaase don't read that out of what I said :crying:. You are not at the end of your journey. Your children may still "rise up and call you blessed." You have loved your children. They will one day view all your family has gone through with different eyes. For all you know, one of your children will face a difficult time with one of their own children and they will look back to their childhood for strength. You just never know. Please know I did not mean to hurt you. And I don't believe that God will sacrifice your children anymore than he would my dd. I know you feel that way but you just never know what the future holds. I am sure you have always done the best you can with love.

 

 

 

 

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texasmama

texasmama

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The LCSW told us that if it ever came to a situation like that, then ds would likely be placed in an institutional setting. I wish this situation came with promises and guarantees, but it doesn't.

 

The LCSW, dh, and I have all said that if we are still in this tenuous of a situation when he is approaching 11; if we are no farther along, then re-evaluation will be necessary.

 

This is something to bury in your heart if the time comes when he needs to be placed in an institutional setting. For most kids, that would be a horriible loss of family to live in an institution. For RAD kids, it is often a relief in the deepest sense because they are no longer forced into the intimacy which a family provides and which they have no way of understanding or adjusting to because the part of them which is able to deeply attach was destroyed or broken off in early childhood. The parenting expectations with a RAD child are more about providing basic needs and a safe, consistent place to grow up rather than developing deep, meaningful connections. It is a HUGE paradigm shift for a parent to make because it is wholely unnatural.

 

Some kids with RAD (there are different degrees of this disorder) are able in time to trust and engage in relationships in a fairly typical manner. The younger of my two adopted nieces falls into this category. She had mild RAD. The older of the two was moderate to severe in the RAD category, and after more than five years, she is superficially attached to her adoptive parents and requires constant supervision. She is 14.

 

Dd knows about his past and some of what was done to him. Some may disagree with this, but she knows that he has been a victim of "bad touching" and how much that hurts people in their hearts and minds. She understands as well as a 9 yr old can (she had a recent bday).

 

As a professional, I think that this is a very appropriate way to arm your dd with understanding and self-protection. Her need for safety trumps his need for privacy in the area of his past.

 

You present as someone who is going into this experience with eyes wide open, Tammy, and whatever the outcome (and no one knows but God), you are doing a good work. God bless you for that.

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