If there was one thing you feel you did right raising your kids...

[Celia]

Please do tell!

 

And if there are a couple things, and you can't quite decide, don't hold back!

 

What I'm looking for specifically are things that you've done to form good habits and character in your children, that have made your house a more peaceful place.

 

For us, off the top of my head I'm going to say beginning the school day singing together at the piano followed by a Bible lesson, and implementing an afternoon quiet time.

 

Conversely, what are some things in retrospect you wish you had done differently in raising your children?

 

Personally, I wish I had been more stern with them as toddlers. I think I let my older two get away with too much and it took a while to reverse the effects of that!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm thankful that overall I was consistent in both love and discipline.

 

I'm thankful that I trained my kids in what to do instead of just correcting them for what not to do.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm thankful that overall I was consistent in both love and discipline.

 

I'm thankful that I trained my kids in what to do instead of just correcting them for what not to do.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Consistency is a biggie -- dh had to learn THAT one. :glare:

 

I am thankful that I squelched any desire to raise my voice -- even if it meant dropping my head to the table and everyone bursting into laughter. :lol:

 

I am thankful I have demonstrated to them that taking a moment to 'think' before opening one's mouth is usually a good thing. And, I will tell them, 'hmmmmm, I'm thinking.':001_smile:

[Peela]

Lots of physical touch and reading together, and regular routines.

 

If I had my time over I would have been more organised and disciplined from birth, and trained them to be more organised- put away their toys etc. I was a fairly chaotic, messy person until they were around 7 and 9, when I learned to be organised (through Flylady). I would have liked to have had those earlier years to establish good habits- I started a bit late.

[Barb_]

Insisting on manners, kindness and friendship between and among siblings. Helping them to learn to solve conflict between themselves rather than accepting it as inevitable and insisting they work it out for themselves. Refusing to allow name-calling, gloating or mean-spiritedness in the smallest of ways.

 

Barb

[Stacia]

Explaining the 'why' of doing something, rather than just decreeing it. (For example, explaining why it's important to wear a seatbelt, why a child shouldn't run off across a parking lot, etc...).

[Virg]

(Mine are only 10, almost 11, so take it with a grain of salt.)

 

I was pretty strict and very consistent with my twins when they were little. People kept telling me I was too hard on them. Now my kids are always complimented on their wonderful behavior and I hardly EVER have to discipline or even redirect them. The other, was letting them sleep with me, carrying them around and in general loving on them. Conversely the same people from above would tell me I was spoiling them. I think the balance of very loving with strict follow through on rules worked out well!

 

I don't know what I wished I would have done differently yet. We haven't gotten far enough for my mistakes to show through! Oh wait one thing is not push so much with schoolwork, turns out one has LDs and the other was just delayed. One is now making steady progress and the other, one day just started reading on his own and now is above grade level in everything. I stressed us all out way too much over learning to read! Pure torture every day!

 

(Again, grain of salt, they are only 10! :))

[Barb_]

 

I'm thankful that I trained my kids in what to do instead of just correcting them for what not to do.

 

:iagree: This is a big one too. It's easy to forget that discipline means, "to teach" rather than "to punish".

[Parrothead]

Respect for each person in our family.

 

We are a bunch of quiet introverts who really enjoy our quiet time and our together time.

[Barb_]

I was pretty strict and very consistent with my twins when they were little. People kept telling me I was too hard on them....The other, was letting them sleep with me, carrying them around and in general loving on them.

 

My older daughter babysits a LOT. She said that the parents she works for often leave out one or the other of this equation. They are trying, but strictness without open affection or affection with too few limits both create anxious or obnoxious and ill-behaved children. Her favorite families are the ones who manage to strike the balance.

 

Barb

[Joanne]

What I did right:Adopt a non punitive discipline style/family culture

Didn't buy into attached = unhealthy

Gave them the maximum amount of responsibility for self/space for their age

 

What I would do different:

 

I'd like a couple of specific do-overs that I won't detail here.

 

I also would be less "alterna sheeple". I wouldn't buy into alternative mindedness simply because it was alternative.

 

My kids are now 16, 14, and 12 if that matters.

[OrganicAnn]

For when she was little - I think baby sign language was great for us. She was able to communicate long before she could speak.

 

My DD is a daddy's girl. At some point I realized that she and I would have to forge a special relationship and so I set aside a time every week to do something fun with her (usually Friday evening). I think it really helped us have a good relationship.

 

I'm sure there are other little things, but I can't think of them.

[kalanamak]

Sharing a love of classical music.

[mom31257]

Some things I'm proud of:

Both can handle a lightsaber very well:D

Both are interested in studying the Bible

Dd is 14 and still hasn't asked to wear makeup and can't stand clothes that are revealing in any way

Considering the age difference, they get along well most of the time

 

Some things I wish were better:

They are both fairly shy and wish they were a little more outgoing

I wish they both had a more servant heart. For example, they do things like chores willingly when asked, but they don't offer on their own.

 

One thing I feel I did right is that my kids never really threw tantrums, especially out in public. I can't say I had an exact formula, but I never gave in to them when they came even close to one, and if they started to at home, they were spanked. I spanked for willful disobedience and totally unacceptable behavior. I was very strict when they were small. Bedtimes aren't bad here, either.

 

One thing I did with my son I wish I had done with my dd was a different kind of time out. If he was misbehaving, I would take him to his bed and say to stay there until he was ready to act right. The time he spent there was up to him. I think it taught him self-control earlier. I think it would have kept some conflict away that went on with learning how to discipline her. I had read somewhere about how horses disciplined colts in a similar manner, but it did involve biting which I didn't do! :)

[myfunnybunch]

I realized that when I am playful, cheerful, kind and helpful on a daily basis, *they* are usually playful, cheerful, kind and helpful on a daily basis.

 

I am the adult; I set the tone for our relationships and the atmosphere in our home. I work hard to be the kind of adult I wish for my children to be.

 

I wish I'd learned this sooner.

 

Cat

[Imprimis]

Always ended the day in peace. Shhhh: I still tuck in my nearly 16yo.

 

I failed on this about 2-3% of the time, so don't get me wrong. But overall, the nightly lullaby, prayer or even just the friendly kiss and hug if that was all we could manage through fatigue or friction...that was the best thing I did for my kid.

 

:iagree:

 

While there are still bedtime strories, and lullabies for my 7yo, all three of my kids get a heartfelt hug, kiss, and an "I love you, see you in the morning," each night as they go to bed---including my nearly 16 yo :001_smile:

[Marylou]

Never said, "What do you say??????" when expecting them to thank someone for something. I would wait 3 seconds, and if they didn't say it on their own I would remark, "say thank you". They almost always did so. (If they refused, they didn't get to keep what was given; this happened once or twice in 10 years).

 

When they (twins) were around 3-4 y.o if I had to say, "Say thank you" I would place my hand lightly under their chins (this was not noticeable to others). After a while if there ever was a time they needed to say it and they were so excited/distracted that they forgot, I would just do the touch and they would say it on their own.

 

I have noticed the reactions of people when we are out in public and my dc say thank you to me when I give them something or help them with something. I think many folks are stunned that a child is polite to her mom! As if being polite is for anyone but a family member.

 

I like how we taught them to be kind and loving, especially with words. I've used the Humpty Dumpty analogy. Poor Humpty couldn't be put back together again! And once we say something we can't unsay it! Much like breaking an egg. There is no way that egg will be the same again. Our words can do much damage, and although we can apologize, it is not the same as before they were uttered.

Edited June 10, 2011 by dmmosher

[Crissy]

I am thankful that my boys have learned that our family rules apply whether they are at home or away.

I often hear from other parents that my boys refuse to 'go along,' and they reference a particular family rule when they are out with others or visiting another family home.

[Crissy]

Shhhh: I still tuck in my nearly 16yo.

 

 

 

Me too. In fact, they regularly request it when they are worried that I might be too busy with work matters.

And, my 17yo will still hug me in public, and my 12yo still regularly holds my hand as we walk together. :)

[Aelwydd]

If there was one thing you feel you did right raising your kid...[/Quote]

 

Making ds wait until he was at least 7 yo before letting him hit the bottle.

 

 

 

KIDDING. Kidding.

 

 

Honestly, the best thing I think both dh and I have done is to keep a sense of humor and to be willing to learn from ds at times. In doing so, I think we're doing a decent job in teaching him not to take himself too seriously, and to be willing to learn from others, even those who are younger or seemingly less experienced.

[Aubrey]

1. Forgive, love, treat others the way you want to be treated, think of others before yourself, pray, nothing belongs to you--it's all God's, & he shares, so you share, too.

 

That one alone means they're all better people than dh & I are.

 

2. We're made to work--we're happiest when we're working. Not all the time, but the right percentage of the time. They actually thanked me for chores the other day. Of course, it's possible that they're sometimes being beamed up to be studied by aliens, & their replacements just aren't that authentic. This postulation particularly upsets 4yo, though, who insists that she's not an alien. ;)

 

What I'd do differently. I have a short temper. Really short some days. It kills me to hear the bigs exhibit the same temperament toward the littles. But I try to use it as a chance to be humble & consistent. "Do you like it when I talk to you that way?" Please, please don't copy me.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think having very high standards for behavior as well as a determination to help them meet those standards in a positive, thinking manner. This covered a lot of stuff from proactively teaching, setting them up for success, giving them life skills, etc. It was generally pretty good even with a tough kid with some real hurdles.

 

I also think my kids benefited GREATLY by me having some particular issues along the way. I know that sounds weird; but they learned awesome traits and qualities which allow them to be better people. I see evidence of this every day with our foster children and in various other circumstances. This was definitely a GREAT pearl in the sand :)

 

I do think there were a few things I could have done better. Each of my children have one particular tendency (different for each) which can and has caused them issues. This tendency (for each of them) was evident early on and has continued to be problematic. I believed that there was no such thing as the one and that the other would resolve itself in time. I was wrong. I wish I had actively addressed both. It is perfectly fine to be X or Y in some ways. However, people need to be able to overcome that tendency, even for the short term, in order to meet their own goals, function in life, etc. We do work on it, but it's much harder with kids their ages than it would have been at 5 and 8.

[OnTheBrink]

I've broken the cycle of emotional and physical abuse which is the legacy of my mother. My kids have both thanked me more than once for not being like Grandma T. I've tried very hard to raise them with respect, compassion, honesty and support for who they are and who they're becoming.

[Crissy]

I've broken the cycle of emotional and physical abuse which is the legacy of my mother. My kids have both thanked me more than once for not being like Grandma T. I've tried very hard to raise them with respect, compassion, honesty and support for who they are and who they're becoming.

 

:grouphug:

There is no greater gift than the one you are giving your children.

[Joker]

The best thing we've done is listening and talking. My parents raised four kids who all turned out really well and I've tried to pin point what I think was the most helpful. They really listened and they talked to us a lot. I wouldn't say consistency was too important because we were all different and they saw that early and so we each had different expectations and I never really saw them as consistent. We also spent a lot of time together ~ it wasn't optional. Boyfriends and girlfriends were welcome to join us but we couldn't really opt out. The manners and such were learned through our parents modeling that behavior. So~ listening, talking, modeling good behavior and spending a lot of time together.

[venusmom]

Pray with them, read to them, listen to them, laugh with them...just my .02 cents!

[eternalknot]

Something I feel I did right is to instill in my children the idea of the social hierarchy. It's helped in many ways, and here's one example:

 

- life isn't fair, and my kids don't compain when they feel it firsthand. They know the eldest gets certain privileges, that the youngest gets certain allowances, and that each age has levels of expectations, responsibilities, and privileges unique to it. They have friends who are always fighting that Kid A got this toy, or Kid B's cookie is bigger, or Kid C got to invite his friend, or Kid D gets to stay up later, etc., while the sibling was somehow short-changed.

 

My friends work hard to ensure things are fair between their kids, and I never understood why. I work hard to ensure things are fair to each child, not fair between the children. If you're easier to shop for, you get more. If you're older, you stay up later. If you're younger, you have less laborious chores. And so forth. My kids don't resent each other the way some of their friends resent siblings. I grew up this way, and I still don't begrudge my siblings that they sometimes got more or better than I did. It's just how things were.

[Heather in Neverland]

The absolute best thing I have done for my children is to raise them with a knowledge of and reverence for God.

[Bonnie in VA]

Each month I write an allowance check to each child (even the four year old). We go to the bank, where they deposit half, and get half back for spending money & church offering.

[asta]

He is kind.

[Lady Florida.]

I've broken the cycle of emotional and physical abuse which is the legacy of my mother. My kids have both thanked me more than once for not being like Grandma T. I've tried very hard to raise them with respect, compassion, honesty and support for who they are and who they're becoming.

 

:grouphug:

[Lady Florida.]

We kept the lines of communication open with dss (dh was the custodial parent). He was a good kid but made a few stupid mistakes along the way. He always knew he could come to us, admit his mistake(s), and be received in love. We're doing the same with ds 13.

[Denisemomof4]

I love that my kids have learned, by example and discussion, to be kind and compassionate towards the elderly, especially, but anyone less fortunate than we are. They are compassionate towards the disabled, mentally and physically, and have a kind affection for all of the above. Dd11 told me she'd give up her homeschool group so she could volunteer in a nursing home. I will squeeze in both.:001_smile:

 

I love that two of my kids have my compassion for animals. Oldest ds is VERY kind and respectful to wildlife, helping them when he can. Dd11 LOVES all animals and is just like me in that are.

 

I love that all of my kids inherited my sense of humor. Laughter is my most favorite thing in the world. I feel so sad when kids come to my house and they are so serious and don't crack a smile.

[Night Elf]

I say 'YES' way more than 'NO'.

 

I examine arbitrary rules rather than just following them because everyone else does.

 

I always acknowledge their fears and concerns and take them seriously. I work with them rather than berate them for what might seem irrational and/or unfounded.

 

I show them the same respect I expect them to show me.

 

I let them choose to decline a request when I actually asked it as a question. IOW, if I ask if they will help me clean the living room, that implies I am giving them the freedom to choose to say no and I respect their choice. There are times I really need their help and I just tell them what I need to do. They are never resistant.

 

I am never contradictory, meaning I don't tell them they can't do something while I turn around and do it myself. The exception is anything illegal, such as drinking wine.

 

Basically, I've always treated them the way I want to be treated.

 

They are all respectful, helpful, considerate, generous, and just nice people to be around. The last time the kids disagreed was about 6 years ago. That's been very nice. :)

Edited June 10, 2011 by Night Elf

[Denisemomof4]

I thought of two more that are really important to me.

 

I grew up in Marin County, CA and materialism was definitely worse there than in NH. It's *everywhere* but it's not as bad here. I've worked hard to make my kids thankful for what they have, not want the latest and greatest of everything, and just simply not want a ton of STUFF. It has worked marvelously with all kids so far as they are not coinstantly in want like many kids are.

 

I also have instilled in them, from the beginning, that outer beauty is meaningless, inner beauty is what counts.

[Ginevra]

Things I did right:

 

Homeschooling

Family meals almost every night

Connections with their extended family

Read before bed every night for many years

Participated in church

 

Things I didn't do well:

 

Too little structure with babies/toddlers

Didn't have a cohesive discipline concept when they were little

Too unstructured homeschooling at first

[Negin]

I am thankful that I squelched any desire to raise my voice -- even if it meant dropping my head to the table and everyone bursting into laughter.

I am thankful I have demonstrated to them that taking a moment to 'think' before opening one's mouth is usually a good thing. And, I will tell them, 'hmmmmm, I'm thinking.

Thank you for this much-needed reminder.

 

Lots of physical touch and reading together, and regular routines.

This has been us. All 3 of the above. :)

 

Always ended the day in peace.

I failed on this about 2-3% of the time, so don't get me wrong.

Yes, we also are big on ending the day in peace. And, like you, I have very seldom failed. We could have had the worst day under the sun, but we'll still pray, hug, and read.

 

Pray with them, read to them, listen to them, laugh with them...just my .02 cents!

:iagree:

 

The absolute best thing I have done for my children is to raise them with a knowledge of and reverence for God.

:iagree:

 

I love that my kids have learned, by example and discussion, to be kind and compassionate towards the elderly, especially, but anyone less fortunate than we are. They are compassionate towards the disabled, mentally and physically, and have a kind affection for all of the above. .

This. :)

 

I love that two of my kids have my compassion for animals.

Yes, this also. I have to admit that before dc, there were very few animals that I liked, just a few pet dogs that we'd had growing up. But in my late teens and early adult years, I really, really disliked animals. I made a concerted effort for our dc to be more compassionate. Ds LOVES animals. Dd also. They have so many pets and have developed responsibility and empathy as a result. This, from me, a former anti-pet person ...

 

I love that all of my kids inherited my sense of humor. Laughter is my most favorite thing in the world. I feel so sad when kids come to my house and they are so serious and don't crack a smile.

:iagree:

I go nuts if I don't eat fresh fruit (sorry, Denise, I know you're on the candida diet :grouphug:) and if I don't have a good laugh every single day. "A day without laughter is the most wasted day of all." Dh married me partly because I laugh. I need to remember to laugh more, especially when things go wrong. :) Thanks for the reminder. :grouphug:

[Negin]

Explaining the 'why' of doing something, rather than just decreeing it. (For example, explaining why it's important to wear a seatbelt, why a child shouldn't run off across a parking lot, etc...).

:iagree:

This too.

Dh is big on this one.

[TammyinTN]

Loads of love and some discipline thrown in. I stayed home as soon as Dad finished college because we were in the military. That made for a much more stable home while Dad worked long hours and was deployed. Also being available to talk whenever they wanted to talk and about what they wanted to talk about. Giving them loads of hugs even when they were real stinkers and telling them how much we love them.

[Greenmama2]

I've broken the cycle of emotional and physical abuse which is the legacy of my mother. My kids have both thanked me more than once for not being like Grandma T. I've tried very hard to raise them with respect, compassion, honesty and support for who they are and who they're becoming.

 

Cool. Good on you!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

The one thing I know I did right with ds was develop a good sleep routine and stress sleep hygiene.

 

I think dd is higher functioning because she was able to be herself in the early years. The positive of having her young was that she was the life of our (friends) evenings. I think this is why she had such a great vocabulary when she was younger.

 

If I could go back knowing what I know now, I would have done just about everything different!

 

Dd- I wish I had known her issues much sooner. I would have taught her more instead of assuming she'd pick it up like other kids.

 

Ds- I would love to go back to the day he was born! I would teach him ASL instead of listening to early intervention speech therapists saying it would hinder his spoken language. I would use the clock to stay patient with him, because even on bad days, he goes to bed early and easy. I would take him to PT and OT as soon as I noticed the extent of his problems instead of, again, listening to EI.

 

Most of all, the biggest thing I would do different is wait. I had them at 17 and 21 years old. I was way too young to do things "right". Although being young made those night feedings a piece of cake!

[texasmama]

I've not read any other replies...

 

As my parenting evolved, I have adopted the philosophy of erring on the side of kindness. I began my parenting journey fearful that if I didn't get behaviors under control early on (preschool age) that it would damage my kids. In fact, many behaviors are developmental. I don't spend much time trying to address developmental behaviors. I also focus on things that are true character issues (unkindness towards others, lying, consistent cheating on games). I put much less emphasis on behaviors due to personality differences or things which are not character issues.

 

This has made my home a more peaceful place and my parenting journey a more joyfull/less anxious one. When character issues arise, I address them gently but consistently, with a lot of discussing and not much punishment. I look at parenting as a very long-term proposition - I am raising adults, not children, in other words. I have learned to let go of them being a reflection of me, particularly when they are young. I ignore people who expect behavior which is not developmentally appropriate for a preschooler, for instance. Three year olds should and will act like three year olds. When they are five and ten and fifteen, they will not act like this.

 

My children are not grown, but I do have an almost 16 year old. Feedback from others (extended family and people in the community/church) is almost universally positive about my kids' behavior. I don't credit all of this to my parenting because that would be terribly arrogant, but I do think that a gentle approach with the kids, considering myself to always be in the teaching mode rather than the correcting mode, has helped to make them more confident and to learn life lessons in a loving and supportive environment.

[abbeyej]

Teaching them to WAIT. Whether it's waiting til everyone sits at the table before they eat to waiting patiently in a doctor's office to waiting for Christmas for a gift they want... Teaching them to WAIT patiently from a young age has been inordinately valuable...

[Amy loves Bud]

Late to this thread but wanted to join in.

 

Things we did right - no spanking, no yelling, very clear boundaries wrt what we will put up with, expectation of kindness and respect between all family members.

 

Things we were/are bad at - schedules and bedtimes. Romy is about as sweet as they come (I doubted our methods there for a while, but she came around), but being the 3rd, much younger sibling, she has no semblance of a schedule. I plan to fix that this summer.

 

I'm sure there are other things, but those are the ones that stand out to me.

[LibraryLover]

I am not done raiising my kids, so I will not touch this with a ten foot (or more lol) pole!

 

Way to jinx myself! lol

Edited June 16, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Crissy]

Explaining the 'why' of doing something, rather than just decreeing it. (For example, explaining why it's important to wear a seatbelt, why a child shouldn't run off across a parking lot, etc...).

 

:iagree:

I believe this is the primary reason our boys make the same good choices whether they are at home or away. They understand that it isn't just about a bunch of rules that Mom and Dad made up.

[veggiegal]

Interesting thread. My kids are still young (almost 9 and 6), and I am overcoming a family legacy of dysfunction, abuse, addictions, etc. Been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am not always successful--but I will keep trying and my kids will do even better with their children one day. Two things I feel I have done well is apologize to my kids when I mess up, and letting them know explicitly that though I am angry (disappointed, frustrated, etc.) with them for something they have done, I still love them. My children know--in a way I never did--that their parents' love for them is unconditional. And my children are quicker than their peers to fess up when they have erred, apologize, and try to make amends. I see this especially with my nearly 9 year old, where his peers flat out lie (denial, bend the truth, etc.) or try to blame others when confronted about something they've done. My son tends to take a breath, hang his head a moment, then look the person in the eye and say, "Yes, you're right, I did that and I shouldn't have. I made a poor choice. I am sorry. I won't do it again. How can I help make it up to you?" I think this is due in large part of my modelling, as we all make mistakes in life, and I think taking accountability and learning from our errors is a HUGE deal.

 

I still wish this wasn't so darn HARD. Sigh.

[2_girls_mommy]

1. Reading to them their whole lives including singing to them, taking them to the library, listening to stories on tape, learning poetry and nursery rhymes, etc. Just giving them the love of learning and language and reading I guess. We are a reading family.

 

2. Taking them to church and Sunday school on a regular basis.

 

3. Pretty basic, but somethings I didn't have: staying married and living in one home and not moving around, being a stay at home mom. These things might be a given to most of us on here, but I am thankful that my girls have them. I am glad I made sure of these things. (even though I didn't have these things, I did have #1 growing up, and am so thankful)

[StaceyinLA]

they are 22, 19, 18, and almost 16, so I can see some fruits now and feel like they will stick.

 

Probably, other than faith, the one thing I'm most proud of is the compassion my kids have for others, for animals, for children, etc. We LOVE to help people, animals, etc., and we do it.

 

We talk a LOT, and all of my kids come to me knowing I will not condemn them. They make mistakes, as do I, but it's important to me that they are honest with me, and they are.

 

If I could do it again I think I would've been more strict with schedules, more consistent with discipline at certain times, and I would've NEVER answered my phone during our school hours.

[Christy B]

So far . . .

 

The best thing:

I've tried to instill in my girls a healthy balance of respect and skepticism in regards to authority. They'll have no problem taking direction and supervision from their superiors in school or work . . . and they'll be darn difficult to abuse, emotionally or otherwise.

 

What I'd change:

More regular family meals, more deliberately careful use of electronics, more consistency and higher standards in schoolwork.