Do you routinely answer your dh's emails?

[beachmom]

I am wondering if anyone here does this on a regular basis and what others, i.e., the people who wrote your dh, think about it.

 

My dh emails his brother only occasionally, perhaps two times a month. Almost always, his brother's wife responds and answers the question(s) fully, signing her name. Dh is livid, especially when the email concerns his parents. None of the email content is sensitive so that is not an issue. He just wants his brother to respond. He has complained to him before, which means that he (or maybe his wife signs his name) actually responds but the situation always regresses to the former scenario.

 

In one of his irritated moments, he called and asked for his brother's email at work. His brother wouldn't give it to him and kept saying it wasn't necessary because "when J emails you, it's just like I wrote it myself."

 

I'm wondering what others think. Anyone?

[mommaduck]

There have been times that I have responded for my husband, yes. He doesn't like dealing with either the phone or the email. He's more likely to talk to someone that has called him than someone that has emailed him. Wives sometimes act as their husband's secretaries. There are many husbands that not only like this, but prefer this. Simply because it's not the way it is in your marriage does not mean that it's wrong or meant as disrespect. I also would not be concerned even if it was "sensitive" information. Any information I give to someone, I would NEVER expect them to keep it from their spouse. I consider their spouse a part of them and that they have the freedom to speak with them, bounce ideas off of them, etc at will.

 

If your husband wishes to speak directly and only to his brother, then perhaps he should only call and insist on speaking directly to him on these matters instead of emailing him ;)

 

Oh, and yes, I used to get the craziest of accusations because of this from Dh's family. Thankfully, he got on the phone and let them know that I was doing what HE WANTED me to do.

[DarcyB]

Never. My DH is a big enough boy to answer his own. I wouldn't sit in for him to do so.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Hmm...my dh doesn't have an email address so I haven't encountered this.

 

However, I think it's a little strange that your dh's brother won't give him the work email and won't address the fact your dh isn't comfortable being responded to by the wife. Why not take the time to respond himself? That would be the root question I'd be asking, or I'd stop emailing altogether.

 

ETA: Come to think of it, if my dh had an email addy, he'd probably ask me to respond because he's just not a computer guy. Typing is definitely not his thing. Is it possible the brother doesn't like getting online but doesn't want to simply ignore your dh's emails?

Edited February 8, 2011 by Georgiana D

[JeneralMom]

I would never read or answer my DH's email, nor would he read or answer mine, especially from a sibling/relative. I think your husband should stop emailing and just phone and demand to speak to his brother directly.

[nukeswife]

I will sometimes answer my dh's emails, but that has more to do with the fact that his family doesn't always remember when he's out to sea. In those situations I'll email them the response I believe DH would have and then let them know I'll forward it on to him and he'll send an updated response if and when he can. This works for his family because when he's at sea sometimes dh will be unavailable for a week or two and they may need some sort of input ASAP which isn't possible for dh to do.

 

Very rarely is an email from his siblings something that doesn't require my input anyway, so if that's the case and dh is in port I'll send them my thoughts with the note on the end that dh will add his .02 when he gets home that evening.

 

 

 

I agree with others that if your dh doesn't want to speak with anyone other than his sibling about a certain matter, then he should call him directly and speak to him.

[Joker]

I don't rountinely answer but I have before and never thought anything of it. I don't sign my name though so they probably thought it was dh responding.

 

Also, my dh will not give out his work email because it is for work only. They're pretty strict on security and people using it for non-work issues.

[beachmom]

especially since your husband has made it very clear that you're doing what he wants.

 

For my dh, he always emails others himself, whether it's professional or personal. He wants to talk directly to his brother, as they often need to talk concerning their parents. He sees it as putting off on his wife (which he does, both the email and the work involving his parents) when he should be be directly doing both (the email and the work). I guess it's just a matter of opinion.

[Desert Rat]

Personal emails, like OP describes, never. Emails regarding sports events, job opportunities, etc. sometimes. I've also done many online job apps and resumes, etc. I type faster and it's easier for me to do it than to have to help many times while I'm trying to do something else. LOL

[Parrothead]

I think your dh is going to have to pick up the phone more often if he wants to talk to his brother instead of his sister-in-law.

 

There is really no reason your dh should be angry. He will have to accept the fact that in their family that is how they do things. If your dh wants to talk to his brother he is going to have to do it face-to-face or over the phone like in the old days.

 

As to the question, no, I don't read dh's email any more than he reads mine. I could access his account since I have his password, but why on earth would I? I've got enough to do without playing secretary for him.

[elegantlion]

Just like I wrote it myself ?:confused:

 

Nope, I don't even read my dh's e-mail, it would be on his computer. Sometimes we get CC'd about family stuff and I remind him to respond if it's his family. But if it were specific for him, no way. He's a big boy.

[NanceXToo]

Not routinely but I have sometimes in the past, especially when we used to share an email address.

[Daisy]

We share an email account. The vast majority of emails are to the family and answerable by either of us. If the email seems directed at my husband, I'll urge him to answer it.

 

No one expects to get any privacy when emailing our family email address. If they want to have a serious conversation with my husband, they know it is better to call him. He isn't big on talking through the computer.

 

He has a work email address that he accesses at school. He obviously answers all of those.

[momofkhm]

DH has his own email account. I never even see dh's email so I can't answer it.

 

If we shared an account, I still wouldn't answer it. I may read it and let dh know it was there. If it was a time sensitive issue, I may answer but say I'd make sure dh saw it too. But no I wouldn't routinely answer dh's email.

[Joker]

Maybe part of the problem is that some of you are saying your dh has a seperate account. We have one email account so we read each others emails. There's never been anything I would consider "private" in any of them though. Maybe your dh's brother and wife share an account also and its just never been an issue so their having trouble understanding the problem.

[beachmom]

Never. My DH is a big enough boy to answer his own. I wouldn't sit in for him to do so.

 

Dh's brother (call him Q) has been coddled all his life by mom then wife (grudgingly). Even dh's mom (brother's mom, too) says she can never have a conversation alone with him. If she needs anything from Q, his wife calls back, comes by, etc.

[mommaduck]

especially since your husband has made it very clear that you're doing what he wants.

 

For my dh, he always emails others himself, whether it's professional or personal. He wants to talk directly to his brother, as they often need to talk concerning their parents. He sees it as putting off on his wife (which he does, both the email and the work involving his parents) when he should be be directly doing both (the email and the work). I guess it's just a matter of opinion.

 

But that's an issue with his brother, not his brother's wife (and it can come off as him having an issue with his brother's wife). It sounds like his brother does have a difference of opinion and there's really nothing your husband can do about it. Again, he should simply speak to his brother on the phone or in person about it to avoid the situation (and also to avoid putting your SIL in the middle of it).

 

 

Question: is there a reason your dh can't accept the situation? Is he trying to force this type of responsibility onto his brother or is it just because it irritates him that it's not how he himself does things? (please know that I don't mean this disrespectfully...it's more what I'm gathering from the bit of information in your other posts)

Edited February 8, 2011 by mommaduck

[beachmom]

Maybe part of the problem is that some of you are saying your dh has a seperate account. We have one email account so we read each others emails. There's never been anything I would consider "private" in any of them though. Maybe your dh's brother and wife share an account also and its just never been an issue so their having trouble understanding the problem.

 

He has his own account and we were told that he reads it and will answer whatever. They sent the account info to us to let us know it was "his." They opened it of their own accord. We were surprised to hear he had an account.

[amy g.]

It sounds like that is the way Q wants it.

[QueenCat]

If dh's mom writes us both, as in copies me on what she sends him, I'll answer it. I want to address the work email thing though. Not everyone is allowed to get personal emails on the work email. My husband's company says that the only person they can give their work email to outside of work related business is their spouse. They do not want employees to receive personal email at work. Why the spouse? Because sometimes our email is work related, like reminders about benefits, or what not. And just to give a little flexibility.

[Amy loves Bud]

If that is how they like to do things, and you know the brother is on board with it and the wife isn't trying to be sneaky, then I would live with it. It's their decision to handle it that way. Even though it seems odd to me ( I never even see Bud's email), they have their way and we have ours.

 

In the future I would expect a response from the wife when I email and i would call if I felt it was mandatory to get the response directly from the brother. Then I wouldn't think about it anymore.

[JoyfulMama]

Email, no. We have separate addresses, so I don't bother with his.

However, dh does frequently ask me to make phonecalls for him. He works long nights, and has a hard time getting back to people. However, if one of his siblings was calling to talk to him about his parents, I wouldn't do anything other than relay a message saying he would talk to them at a later time, or try to arrange a time. (However, usually his sister calls me about them, anyway.) If something had to be done regarding his parents, that would pretty much fall to me, due to availability. I would hope his siblings would be understanding of our relationship, and how we need to divide things to make things work for our household.

I would advise your dh to try to reach him by phone if he wants a 1:1 conversation.

[TN Mama]

I am wondering if anyone here does this on a regular basis and what others, i.e., the people who wrote your dh, think about it.

 

My dh emails his brother only occasionally, perhaps two times a month. Almost always, his brother's wife responds and answers the question(s) fully, signing her name. Dh is livid, especially when the email concerns his parents. None of the email content is sensitive so that is not an issue. He just wants his brother to respond. He has complained to him before, which means that he (or maybe his wife signs his name) actually responds but the situation always regresses to the former scenario.

 

In one of his irritated moments, he called and asked for his brother's email at work. His brother wouldn't give it to him and kept saying it wasn't necessary because "when J emails you, it's just like I wrote it myself."

 

I'm wondering what others think. Anyone?

 

No, I don't respond for my husband. I don't even read his e-mail, although I suppose I could if I wanted to. I know his password - he knows mine. Anyway, obviously your bil doesn't care about his wife answering for him and if your husband would like to get his brother's input I guess he's going to have to call and speak to him.

Seems odd to me. :001_huh:

[2squared]

Never. My DH is a big enough boy to answer his own. I wouldn't sit in for him to do so.

 

:confused:

 

My dh is a big boy too, but I still answer most of the emails we receive. If I don't answer them, they don't get an answer. My dh doesn't want to use his limited family time writing emails to extended family and friends. I manage the household, and email falls under that category for us. Everyone who emails us already knows that I read and answer everything since we only have one email address for our family. I also sign his name on all the paperwork that comes through our house. It's just the way we manage things.

 

If his siblings or parents want privacy talking to him, then they call him. Same as I do with my sibling and parents.

 

What works for us may not work for another family. Neither method is wrong or right. They just are.

[Veritaserum]

Neither of us answers each other's emails. ETA: We have separate accounts (multiple, actually). We don't read each other's mail although we know each other's passwords.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Veritaserum

[elfgivas]

sigh....

 

in the end, your dh is responsible for his end of the communication, and his brother is responsible for his. we don't have to like his choices, but we can't make them for him, KWIM? so your dh could continue to be open and communicative with his brother, because that's the sort of man he is, and then whatever comes back is just what comes back....

 

wishing it were different, but your dh has stated his preference, and his brother has chosen not to change his own behavior. that's it....

 

in our house, we are each responsible for our own communication. i do some coaching with the younger girls until i can see from their behavior that they understand how to be timely and courteous, but the older girls and dh are responsible for how they interact with the world.

 

ann

[amy g.]

Dh and I share an email at home and he has a separate one at work. His work email has high security settings, so some emails get rejected and don't go through. All of the emails to that account get deleted after a few days.

 

Dh forwards to me things that he wants to keep a copy of. I forward to him things that I want him to answer for me.

 

My attorney was uncomfortable at first because she would email a question to me. I wouldn't be sure how we wanted to handle things, so I'd forward it to dh. She'd get an answer from him, but would need to confirm that I agreed with the course of action.

 

Now she just sends everything to both of us. I did think it was weird when my sister started emailing my husband directly about my dad's estate, and she wasn't copying me on the emails. He just forwarded them all to me.

 

Dh and I also talk on the phone about the emails we forward to each other. This morning, he called me, "Did you see the request for ---information, I don't see why we should send it to them. What do you think?" Then I called him. "Did you see the email from the title company? What time should I tell them we will be able to close?"

 

It would be simple if everyone just took care of their own communications, but everything we do affects the other spouse, so we have to discuss every tiny little detail.

[BarbecueMom]

DH leaves his email open. I take care of all the house stuff, banking, bills, and doctor/dentist appointments, and sometimes that goes to his email instead of mine. I don't open or answer his personal emails, unless he asks me to read something in them or needs me to respond when he can't. That's rare, now that he has an iPhone. 90% of his personal emails are ongoing conversations between him and his coworkers (you know, watercooler stuff). The rest are from a mutual friend who usually sends emails to both of us unless it's too geeky for me.

 

Most of our family contacts us through Facebook or text messages. That being said, his family tends to contact me instead of him in regards to family issues (everything from holiday plans to concerns over someone's mental health), so I doubt they would have a problem with me answering his emails.

 

DH cannot access his personal email on his work computer nor can he give out his work email addresses for personal use.

[beachmom]

sigh....

 

in the end, your dh is responsible for his end of the communication, and his brother is responsible for his. we don't have to like his choices, but we can't make them for him, KWIM? so your dh could continue to be open and communicative with his brother, because that's the sort of man he is, and then whatever comes back is just what comes back....

 

wishing it were different, but your dh has stated his preference, and his brother has chosen not to change his own behavior. that's it....

 

in our house, we are each responsible for our own communication. i do some coaching with the younger girls until i can see from their behavior that they understand how to be timely and courteous, but the older girls and dh are responsible for how they interact with the world.

 

ann

 

I said what you said to my dh repeatedly. I told him to cut his brother out of the direct conversation loop regarding his parents and just email his brother's wife directly and cc his brother. I accepted his brother's actions a long time ago but dh keeps hoping he'll change. BTW, it isn't that easy to get his brother on the phone with time zone differences.

[KristinaBreece]

I know that I handle almost all of the communication in our house. DH doesn't call his grandmother to make plans, let alone answer emails. I very much function as his secretary, which works for us, because DH would end up an old recluse if he were required to communicate with anyone by phone or email. I think he thinks that all of our family events & social outings happen by accident or magic, rather than by my design. Silly boy.

[Mimm]

That seems really weird to me. I don't even check my husband's email. Can't she get her own email address? I don't handle my husband's communication at all. I've had my brother call me one time and as we were hanging up, asked me if my husband would help him out with something. I said, "I don't know, call him and ask." My husband was in the next room but I didn't feel like getting up and handing him my phone. :p

[Mynyel]

Oh good gravy no.

 

I don't even want to go there!:D

[dirty ethel rackham]

Nope. I don't even see his emails since we use different computers. Then again, I have to remind dh to actually check his home email. Since he has to carry around a BlackBerry 24/7 for work, he really avoids the computer at home (unless it is to look up dogs or cars;).)

 

Anyone who knows dh knows that he isn't big into email (and he can't do personal email on his work account.) So, they call him or (email me;)).

[Crissy]

I do occasionally answer his emails as if he is writing, but only when he has his hands full and has asked me to send a specific reply. His words, my fingers on the keys.

 

I often ask my boys to do the same thing with text messages. I never answer my phone when I'm in the car, but if one of my boys is with me they will read the message to me and I will tell them how to reply.

 

If my husband is out of town and has no access to his email, I will send replies to friends and family who email him letting them know that it is me, that he is out of town and when they can expect him to reply.

[Paintedlady]

I find the behavior weird.

[Crissy]

I think your dh is going to have to pick up the phone more often if he wants to talk to his brother instead of his sister-in-law.

 

 

 

:iagree:

They have made it very clear that this is the way they handle email within their family.

If he wants to communicate directly with his brother, he should use the phone.

[Laurie4b]

I don't answer dh's emails, and he does nearly all the interacting with his family over email, etc.

 

Your bil and sil have a certain kind of relationship in which he feels that she can speak for them. Your dh just wants to talk with his brother and doesn't like his sil inserted in the middle. It seems like your question is more about how to handle that.

 

Why does your dh not accept his sil's answers? Is it because he wants interaction with his brother or because he believes it is none of her business? Does he feel brushed off by his brother or just doesn't like the way the marriage is set up? If his brother has said, essentially, "You can trust that she speaks for me," then it seems like your dh's irritation is about something more than content of the email.

[BlsdMama]

If he were emailing my DH, he'd have to settle for my reply else no reply at all.

 

DH could care less about family matters. Truly your DH would get no reply at all. I read them to DH and he says his .02 and I word it nicely.

 

And, honestly? If he called, he most likely would get two words out of DH - he isn't much for phone calls either. ;)

[Lady Florida.]

I don't even read my dh's emails, let alone answer them. He doesn't read mine either. We have our own computers and our own email addresses. Now sometimes his one brother will send an email to both of our addresses. It that case, if dh gets busy, I'll go ahead and respond.

[MicheleinMN]

If someone emails my dh and expects an answer, they ought to expect it from me. Dh doesn't have an email and doesn't WANT to write emails to anyone. If I answer an email directed to my dh, it's because HE didn't want to do it, and I thought it needed to be done. (Though I am much more likely to let dh know he should CALL the person who wrote him if he won't sit down and write an email.)

 

Guess I'm saying you shouldn't be blaming the wife if your dh's brother won't write.

[Garga]

In the brother's family, the wife answers the emails.

In your family, you don't like that.

 

So, don't email. You can't control anyone but yourself. If your dh doesn't like sil answering the emails, then don't send any to her. Call the brother directly on the phone.

 

(Yes, I do think it's weird that she answers the emails, but it's not a big deal in the long run.)

[staceyobu]

We combined bank accounts... but my email account is MINE. No. we don't answer each others emails.

[OLG]

No way! I don't even know my dh's email password. I do have a friend who always has her husband reply to emails though and that has created a sizable distance in our relationship. I come down on the side of thinking it is quite strange but then I value independence and privacy in communications.

[Danestress]

He sees it as putting off on his wife (which he does, both the email and the work involving his parents) when he should be be directly doing both (the email and the work). I guess it's just a matter of opinion.

 

whether he "should" be doing these things himself or letting his wife handle them is just a matter of opinion.

 

Honestly, I would have been sort of annoyed having to deal with a BIL instead of my own sister when my father was sick and dying. There were a lot of hard decisions and lots of questions and needs, and it was emotional. I love my BILs, but they aren't really the child of that parent - they are in-laws, and it would have been hard to have my BIL be the person I had to have the "should be go ahead with the feeding tube or not?" discussions with.

 

But even so, it is your BIL's choice to let his wife be the one who provides care for his parents. I'm not sure there are a lot of "shoulds" involved because many times one sibling really don't get involved in care anyway, and it is hard to really make them if they won't. I guess having a wife involved in care is better than no one at all. As long as the parents are being properly cared for, it seems okay for him to decide she is better equipped to deal with it.

 

Still, it would be hard.

[happypamama]

DH and I have our own e-mail addresses, so no, I don't necessarily answer for him. However, I often take care of stuff for him; he'll forward something to me if I need to do that (like send a check somewhere or something), because I'm home more and more likely to remember to do it. If it's a "social secretary" sort of thing, his mom/sister is likely to send the message to me as well as him (or just to me), or he'll forward it to me, or ask about the schedule before he replies. I don't think that is that strange; if I want to set up a get-together with my brother and his family, I'm more likely to e-mail his wife than him (and my mom does the same; she'll go through my SIL rather than my brother). But if your DH is trying to reach his brother specifically and isn't satisfied with getting his wife, then yes, I think he needs to call, or at least e-mail with a request for his brother to call him.

[Stacie]

We have separate accounts. I don't know his password, he doesn't have mine. We have no secrets, but I just don't like others speaking for me, nor does he. I will send an email, a text, or return a call if he asks me to.

 

As for the op's situation, this sounds like sibling dynamics as it's best. :D If your dh wants direct communication with his brother he needs to find an acceptable workaround.

[GraciebytheBay]

No, I don't answer his emails because I feel they are private. That said, we have each other's passwords and occasionally get on for one reason or another. I do find it strange, and it would definitely bother me if this were happening with a sibling. However, in your case, dh's brother has made it clear that he does not, for whatever reason, want to communicate with his brother in this way. There must be a reason for this. Perhaps he prefers the telephone? Perhaps he does not desire frequent contact? If it were me, I would not continue to email him and thus get frustrated each time that he doesn't respond himself. I'd probably be miffed for a while, then call when necessary. Family relationships can be so weird!

Edited February 8, 2011 by GraciebytheBay

[LibraryLover]

That would require me to speak fluent Geek.

[Murphy101]

I do. I always sign my name unless dh says he doesn't want me to.

 

And of course he didn't give his work email. It is called WORK email or phone for a reason. There no reason for his bother to have it.:confused: My in laws get mad about it too. Too bad for them. Work is work, home is private. Dh doesn't have time to answer their calls and emails at work.

 

If your husband wants to speak directly to his brother than he should pick up the phone and call him.

 

Otherwise, how that couple handles communication is really not up to him.

 

Does he think the sill is lying or misleading him? Because otherwise, it sounds like the information communicated wouldn't change whether Q typed it in or sil did. So what's the point of getting ticked about the messenger?

[beachmom]

I do. I always sign my name unless dh says he doesn't want me to.

 

And of course he didn't give his work email. It is called WORK email or phone for a reason. There no reason for his bother to have it.:confused: My in laws get mad about it too. Too bad for them. Work is work, home is private. Dh doesn't have time to answer their calls and emails at work.

 

If your husband wants to speak directly to his brother than he should pick up the phone and call him.

 

Otherwise, how that couple handles communication is really not up to him.

 

Does he think the sill is lying or misleading him? Because otherwise, it sounds like the information communicated wouldn't change whether Q typed it in or sil did. So what's the point of getting ticked about the messenger?

 

I guess I should be quoting a lot of people. You all had some great replies.

 

I talked to my dh about him being upset with his brother and that he should just let it go and just directly contact the SIL about the current need/drama of the moment.

 

He said, "You know what. It's not really about the content (of the messages). It's about having a relationship." So to him, he sees the lack of email as a being personally "blown off." And btw, the phone calls are lacking, too. He always calls his brother, not the other way around. Same bil doesn't call his mom very often and she doesn't have email.

 

You gals are great! Thanks for your insight.