Advice needed on dealing with a difficult relative who wants to visit....

[Merry]

My dh's brother, who would have been labeled a sex offender if he was younger and was caught by the police, wants to stop by on his way west. My dh hasn't seen him in many years so he is looking forward to the reunion. He also says that since the bil is now married and is in his early seventies, he would not bother our boys. That's probably true, especially in regards to his age, but I really don't want him staying here overnight. He gives me the creeps. I know that my dh will tell his brother to stay at a motel but he will resent this at least a little. His extended family is quite insistent on hospitality to relatives. But I can handle it; I just need to stay strong, but what good reason can I come up with that might soften the blow? Also, what do I tell the boys about their uncle? Should I mention his past behavior toward other children? Or just wait til it comes up in the conversation if ever? My dh's thinking is that this happened so long ago that it's practically irrelevant but what do you think? And I don't know for sure if he ever did that again not so long ago. We saw him only once during our thirty year marriage about eight years ago at a family reunion so we don't know for sure about that. Really, I don't quite understand his thinking on this but he grew up with this and I didn't.

[MaureenNJ]

I honestly wouldn't take that risk. Plenty of pedophiles are married and old. I am all for respecting our husbands, but not at the expense of our children's safety. I'll pray for you. I hope your husband will see that his first obligation is to his nuclear family.

[qfbrenda]

I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

I personally would not tell my kids about his past, but I would have a general conversation about "good and bad touches" before his visit. Then I would make sure he was NEVER alone while he was in my house.

[Tess in the Burbs]

oh no, I wouldn't allow him to be in my home. Too many are never rehabilitated. Heck, a boy on our basketball team last year...his father is a registered sex offender and it freaked me out when he showed up to practice! I had to force my son to go bathroom in the women's bathroom b/c I had no idea if this man were in the men's room!!!!

 

Obviously you and your dh are on different levels here but I would be honest and even suggest that if they stay with you...offer up the boys rooms and make them sleep on the floor in your room so you know no one will be bothering them at night!

[Scuff]

No way I'd let a pedophile stay at my house. I don't care if he's on his death bed.

[misidawnrn]

I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

I personally would not tell my kids about his past, but I would have a general conversation about "good and bad touches" before his visit. Then I would make sure he was NEVER alone while he was in my house.

:iagree:review the good and bad touches far in advance so they don't really "connect them to uncle Bob" but have it in their heads and I wouldn't leave him alone with your kids.

[Shelly in the Country]

Tough situation for sure, but definitely protect your children at all costs. If you and your husband set him up with a motel room though, I can't see how this would be inhospitable. I would also have a frank discussion with the children before his visit about his possible past behavior, unless you have children who lack discretion.

[JessaMae]

I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

I personally would not tell my kids about his past, but I would have a general conversation about "good and bad touches" before his visit. Then I would make sure he was NEVER alone while he was in my house.

 

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[RanchGirl]

I am surprised that the father of young boys wants a relationship with a pedophile! If your husband wants to bond with this man, I would either have them stay in a hotel and your husband can meet him there and take him to dinner, or I would plan a trip for myself and the kids and take them far away. Or both. I wouldn't have my kids around him AT ALL, and I would prefer he not be under my roof.

[MariannNOVA]

Do everything you said you would do as far as talking to your children. Then do what someone here said as far as there is no room in your home for houseguests: I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

If for some reason, he is going to stay at your home, I would take the chidlren and go to an undisclosed location - another hotel perhaps.

 

LISTEN TO ME: It doesn't matter if they are 17 or 70 -- do not let this man near your children.....in fact, I wouldn't let him know what my children looked like and I would never allow my children to meet him even for a nanosecond let alone be in his company. Believe me - I know what I am talking about....and I have been quite blunt about letting the person know that I KNOW why I am keeping my children away from him. I have no problem going toe to toe with someone like that.

[RoughCollie]

Do everything you said you would do as far as talking to your children. Then do what someone here said as far as there is no room in your home for houseguests: I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

If for some reason, he is going to stay at your home, I would take the chidlren and go to an undisclosed location - another hotel perhaps.

 

LISTEN TO ME: It doesn't matter if they are 17 or 70 -- do not let this man near your children.....in fact, I wouldn't let him know what my children looked like and I would never allow my children to meet him even for a nanosecond let alone be in his company. Believe me - I know what I am talking about....and I have been quite blunt about letting the person know that I KNOW why I am keeping my children away from him. I have no problem going toe to toe with someone like that.

 

:iagree:

[Moxie]

70 is not too old!!! I'd have DH do some research on the nature of sex offenders because he clearly doesn't understand. How long it has been since he was caught is irrelevant. An offender wouldn't meet my children, far less sleep in the same home.

[Aubrey]

I can see why your dh wants to see his bro, but do you & the boys *have* to be there? What if there were conflicting schedules that caused you to just miss ea other? In a friendly, miles-away-from-my-boys kind of way? :001_smile:

 

Whatever you decide, everybody here's going to recommend you read Protecting the Gift. Do. It will give you more confidence about your boundaries & more awareness regarding potential problems.

 

Fwiw, I've got a similar situation in my family, & I *wish* it were as simple as the one you've described. Not that yours is simple at all! :001_huh: I hope this isn't coming out wrong. :tongue_smilie:

[Joanne]

Another aspect that hasn't been addressed:

 

He gives me the creeps.

 

In addition to good touch/bad touch, children need to be taught about creepy feelings and ick factor. If this guy gives you the creeps, trust it.

 

And teach your kids to always, always, always trust it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A 78 year old pedophile was just put in jail in our state for reoffending. He is not too old at age 70. And he does not have to be able to consummate something in order to molest your boys. Dh can take him out to dinner and catch up with him. Personally, I would not have him in my home or with my children. (And I'm someone who has had my children around the homeless, the unmedicated mentally ill, and even prostitutes in the context of ministry.)

[JoyfulMama]

I would simply tell him, "I'm sorry, but we don't have room at our house for overnight guests at the moment. Would you like to make hotel reservations yourself, or would you like us to take care of that for you?"

 

I personally would not tell my kids about his past, but I would have a general conversation about "good and bad touches" before his visit. Then I would make sure he was NEVER alone while he was in my house.

 

:iagree:I think it is a difficult line to walk when you know of an existing/past issue. But the difference is that YOU KNOW. You can make sure your children and you are more aware since you DO know, but you also need to prepare them for other people who you don't have prior information about.

Don't forget to clarify with your children who are the "safe people" in their lives - who can they leave with without your personal consent? Certainly talk to them about listening to their inner voice, regarding any kind of situation. And talk to them about ways to get out of situations where their inner voice is sounding alarms. This should be part of their "Health and Safety" as you can't identify every person who might harm you.

 

ETA: Don't forget to listen to YOUR inner voice!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

ABSOLUTELY NO OVERNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pedophiles come in all ages. VERY RARE do they change. Infact the older they are they are usually more of a threat because people *think* they are not a threat anymore. PLEASE do not put your children at risk! Certain things have to be how they are, hurt feelings or not. Do not put your dc at risk!

 

 

Now I wouldnt tell your dc about the past. I dont think that would serve any good. I would make sure that man is not alone with them though. Good luck! This is a stick situation!

[BigMamaBird]

I completely agree with the other posters that your children absolutely come first. That said, if your dh is insistent and it would only be one night then the bil wouldn't be around any more, would it be possible for your children to spend that night at friends houses, or possibly the older siblings? That way, dh and his brother get their time and your children are in do danger.

[JFSinIL]

Age does not stop a pedophile. Motel it is, and do not leave the room when he visits. End of story.

[Garga]

This man has molested children? And you're worried about how not to offend him?

 

I understand not wanting to cause a breach between you and your husband. But at the same time, look at what you're worrying about. You're worrying about offending a man who may molest your own children. And leave them with lifelong emotional scars. I know you won't let that happen (because you'll be on constant guard). But this man would let it happen.

 

So don't worry about offending him. Tell him where the motels are. If he pushes and want to know why he has to stay in a motel tell him up front, "Because we don't trust you in our house with our sons." Sounds like this man never had to go to prison for his crimes (which is what pedophiles deserve), so he can just deal with being uncomfortable with your distrust.

 

If you've ever worked or volunteered in a nursing home, you know that 70 is not too old. (Ask any nurse at a nursing home about the 'frisky' men there.)

 

Your job is to get your dh on the same page. Show him what we're all saying. We're not just making it all up (that pedophiles often aren't reformed--ever.)

Edited April 9, 2010 by Garga

[MariannNOVA]

So don't worry about offending him. Tell him where the motels are. If he pushes and want to know why he has to stay in a motel tell him up front, "Because we don't trust you in our house with our sons." Sounds like this man never had to go to prison for his crimes (which is what pedophiles deserve), so he can just deal with being uncomfortable with your distrust.

 

If you've ever worked or volunteered in a nursing home, you know that 70 is not too old. (Ask any nurse at a nursing home about the 'frisky' men there.)

 

Your job is to get your dh on the same page. Show him what we're all saying. We're not just making it all up (that pedophiles often aren't reformed--ever.)

 

:iagree: We attended a wedding last year - our children were supposed to be in the wedding. They were SO excited. I learned (and I confirmed) that an individual I would never let know what my children even look like was going to be in attendance at the wedding.

 

The kids were not in the wedding - they were disappointed, but it was handled and they did not attend nor were they anywhere near the event.

 

The individual was indeed there -- it took every ounce of self-control that I had not to spit in his face. I did notice that for all the flak that dh and I took (like I cared) about not bringing our kids, NO ONE let their kids out of their sight - there were about 6 other little kids at the wedding. In fact, someone from one of the families went so far as to have themselves seated at this individual's table and shadowed him the entire night.

[newbie]

Age does not stop a pedophile. Motel it is, and do not leave the room when he visits. End of story.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

I've on seen locally pedophiles in their 70s arrested. One recently was abusing his grandkids.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Once a pedophile, always a pedophile.

 

Age makes no difference. He can be entirely creepy, and extremely touchy-feely, and sick, and disgusting, and cunning, and sick, and do plenty of damage without ever needing to be younger.

 

My uncle molested girls when he was young. He molested me when he was in his forties. He married a Mexican woman who had 5 daughters! Of course, he molested them and abused them in other ways until he was well into his 70s. The younger girls are still in the house, and still abused by him. The oldest girl just turned 18 a couple years ago, and moved out, and blew the whistle on him.

 

Since then, several of my cousins have come forward with things he did (I came forward too). We just found out that he actually did prison time in the 50s for molesting two girls in a restroom in the 50s! But, only my mom's oldest siblings knew anything about it. They kept it a secret because they thought it was "in the past" and that he'd learned his lesson.

 

Hogwash! How many girls have been traumatized by this man? The family has now disowned him. How I wish they had disowned him 50 years ago! How I wish someone had warned that poor woman not to marry him! How I wish that my mother had known, so she wouldn't have had him stay with us every time he came to town.

 

DO NOT let that man in your home. Tell your husband that if he is in the house, you will take the kids to a motel, and come back after he's gone. Either that, or tell your dh that he needs to meet him for dinner somewhere, then send him on his way.

 

PLEASE don't let that man near your children. They are precious. He is not.

[MariannNOVA]

Once a pedophile, always a pedophile.

 

Age makes no difference. He can be entirely creepy, and extremely touchy-feely, and sick, and disgusting, and cunning, and sick, and do plenty of damage without ever needing to be younger.

 

My uncle molested girls when he was young. He molested me when he was in his forties. He married a Mexican woman who had 5 daughters! Of course, he molested them and abused them in other ways until he was well into his 70s. The younger girls are still in the house, and still abused by him. The oldest girl just turned 18 a couple years ago, and moved out, and blew the whistle on him.

 

Since then, several of my cousins have come forward with things he did (I came forward too). We just found out that he actually did prison time in the 50s for molesting two girls in a restroom in the 50s! But, only my mom's oldest siblings knew anything about it. They kept it a secret because they thought it was "in the past" and that he'd learned his lesson.

 

Hogwash! How many girls have been traumatized by this man? The family has now disowned him. How I wish they had disowned him 50 years ago! How I wish someone had warned that poor woman not to marry him! How I wish that my mother had known, so she wouldn't have had him stay with us every time he came to town.

 

DO NOT let that man in your home. Tell your husband that if he is in the house, you will take the kids to a motel, and come back after he's gone. Either that, or tell your dh that he needs to meet him for dinner somewhere, then send him on his way.

 

PLEASE don't let that man near your children. They are precious. He is not.

 

GULP! I'm so sorry this happened to you - your story, though, is so typical of how these people are able to continue to have access to children. Thanks for speaking up!:grouphug:

[Mejane]

Nope. Never. No way. If your husband wants to meet up with him somewhere, fine. You and the kids should keep your distance. I don't have it in me to forgive or trust someone like this. My bad. :glare:

[Merry]

My dh really believes that his brother is too old and past it. I was skeptical but your stories confirmed it. I'll pass this on to him. I already told him this evening that I did not want him to stay here overnight because he creeps me out. He said ok. Whew. If he still wants him here for the day, I'll let him in but I definitely will tell my teenage boys about him if that happens but probably not my nine year old son. I'll keep him by my side at all times though and find something to do in town while he's here.

[kalanamak]

He also says that since the bil is now married and is in his early seventies, he would not bother our boys.

 

Pardon, but your husband is ignorant on this subject. Early 70's is nothing. I'd say 85 AND in a wheelchair and still not left alone with a child. I took care of the nicest molester you could ever meet: funny, charming, humble, polite, a joy to take care of (he had a significant spinal cord injury and was in his 60's). He told me he should never be left alone with children. I believed him.

[Margo out of lurking]

He also says that since the bil is now married and is in his early seventies, he would not bother our boys. That's probably true, especially in regards to his age, but I really don't want him staying here overnight.

 

Don't believe that for a second. My grandfather was violently assaulting little girls in our family when he was well into his 70s. You already have lots of good advice, but I just want to be sure you don't get fooled by this type of wishful thinking.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My dh really believes that his brother is too old and past it. I was skeptical but your stories confirmed it. I'll pass this on to him. I already told him this evening that I did not want him to stay here overnight because he creeps me out. He said ok. Whew. If he still wants him here for the day, I'll let him in but I definitely will tell my teenage boys about him if that happens but probably not my nine year old son. I'll keep him by my side at all times though and find something to do in town while he's here.

 

 

If you would like to know some details of the kinds of things my uncle would do to me, many times in plain sight of other adults, I'd be happy to share them. I'd rather not talk about it here. Just PM me.

 

Blessings,

Suzanne

[joannqn]

This is a hill I'd die on.

 

I think it would be too hard to keep your 9 year old by your side every second this man is in your house. Is he going to go to the bathroom with you? Will you stand outside the bathroom door while he uses it? What if dinner is burning?

 

I really think the only truly safe thing to do is not have the kids in same building with him.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Well, everyone seems to be on the same page about this. I wonder though, why not tell your boys about this bad man? Nine is old enough to know that this man has done bad things to children in the past, and you don't want your son around him. I'm not really into protecting the feelings or reputation of people who hurt children.

[Annie Laurie]

Well, everyone seems to be on the same page about this. I wonder though, why not tell your boys about this bad man? Nine is old enough to know that this man has done bad things to children in the past, and you don't want your son around him. I'm not really into protecting the feelings or reputation of people who hurt children.

 

I was wondering the same thing.

[Lara in Colo]

Here is something that concerns me with this situation: Once a visual connection is formed, there is the potential for obsession. If he sees your boys, he may form a desire that could be acted on later without your knowledge. Once your boys see him, a bond of trust is formed (the same on they have for any guest in your home or distant relative) He could instigate communication with them later and you not know, esp if you don't think to worry and watch for it. I don't like pictures of my children anywhere unknown people can see, and I certainly wouldn't let a person PROVEN untrustworthy near them. DH can meet him at a restaurant,you and the boys can stay at home.

 

Lara

[MariannNOVA]

here is something that concerns me with this situation: Once a visual connection is formed, there is the potential for obsession. If he sees your boys, he may form a desire that could be acted on later without your knowledge. Once your boys see him, a bond of trust is formed (the same on they have for any guest in your home or distant relative) he could instigate communication with them later and you not know, esp if you don't think to worry and watch for it. I don't like pictures of my children anywhere unknown people can see, and i certainly wouldn't let a person proven untrustworthy near them. Dh can meet him at a restaurant,you and the boys can stay at home.

 

Lara

 

i absolutely agree!

[Tap]

I would arrange for all your boys to be gone for the day/night. Period. Especially if the issue he had was regarding children. There are many things that can be considered a sexual offense (an 18yo and consenting 16yo can get tagged SO by the courts which is not the same as a predatory child molester who uses coercion and threats to control a young child).

 

There is such a minor gain, a visit with a distant uncle, for such a chance. This isn't a relation that moved in next door and you need to establish boundaries with. Eliminate the opportunity all together. Eliminate the lure. Eliminate the chance all together.

 

You can have the kids there, have them say "hi, sorry we have other plans" and then leave.

 

Age makes absolutely no difference. Being older can just mean that they have had time to get good enough at not getting caught.

 

What are you going to do if he comes up and gives you kids a hug, or a quick, unavoidable kiss on the cheek? What are you going to do if during the hug he lingers just a bit too long? What if your son is in plain sight sitting on the couch and he sits next to him? What if he is just a bit too close? Not on top of your son, but just a bit inside his personal space? What if he bear hugs your son, lifting him off the floor with their bodies touching? There are a 1000 chances for the uncle to just barely break that personal space, physical boundary and then you will react. You may not be graceful in this reaction. You may say something that is hurtful to the uncle (if it is truly a innocent act). You may not react an then regret it later.

 

It will be sooooo much easier to just have the kids be gone and avoid it all.

[Sputterduck]

Over. My. Dead. Body.

[Rosie_0801]

Over. My. Dead. Body.

 

:iagree: The nicest reaction I would be able to give my hubby if he suggested such a thing is a beaming smile and "Not a chance in ****, Buddy!"

 

If he argued, the smile would disappear and I would start making very large threats that he wouldn't want to call my bluff on.

 

Rosie

[WishboneDawn]

I'm going to take a slightly different track.

 

I don't know any of the details of the man's past actions so I'll assume the best. It was a once in a lifetime mistake that he will never repeat.

 

There.

 

Now that doesn't change the fact that I'd want him staying in a motel and not at my house. For a reunion you and your husband really don't need the added stress and worry of you watching his brother's every move and always keeping an eye on your kids. It won't be helpful and might put up some serious roadblocks between your DH and his husband.

 

I think that's how I'd lay it out to my husband as well. His brother can't stay partly because of your worries but also because of how those worries might sabotage his relationship with his brother.

 

He can stay in a motel, you guys can find sitters for the kids and you all can go out for supper or something and have a decent chance of actually having a good time.

[Supertechmom]

What are you going to do if he comes up and gives you kids a hug, or a quick, unavoidable kiss on the cheek? What are you going to do if during the hug he lingers just a bit too long? What if your son is in plain sight sitting on the couch and he sits next to him? What if he is just a bit too close? Not on top of your son, but just a bit inside his personal space? What if he bear hugs your son, lifting him off the floor with their bodies touching? There are a 1000 chances for the uncle to just barely break that personal space, physical boundary and then you will react. You may not be graceful in this reaction. You may say something that is hurtful to the uncle (if it is truly a innocent act). You may not react an then regret it later.

 

It will be sooooo much easier to just have the kids be gone and avoid it all.

 

 

:iagree: We have the creepy man in the neighborhood when I was growing up _ you know the one you were always told don't linger in front of his house, stay away from - HE's now my mil's new husband. And he does this sort of stuff. Just enough to get a physical touch but not enough for anyone to think something is wrong - other than with me for not liking him hugging my son, sitting beside him and snuggling and all that sort of @#@#. The next visit I physically held my son and showed him how to shake hands with the man and said, We prefer handshakes to hugs. From that point forward, I have had to watch him like a hawk. When he gets to near that one son, I have to run interference. But still, there's the whole he's building trust with this one child just by being here. But I have no proof he's ever done anything just that creepy feeling.

 

Just be prepared for that sort of "correct and acceptable" touching :tongue_smilie:

[Halftime Hope]

and I'll add to it, hopefully continuing the "good" part. :)

 

I understand your husband's desire to reconnect with his brother. He can have his cake and eat it, too in this situation, but it will take a bit more creativity and planning to accomplish what he needs.

 

You now have a number of stories to validate your concerns about the possibilities of ongoing behavior, and I agree with the other posters that I wouldn't even want this uncle to see the children b/c whatever warped or twisted circuitry there is in his brain could certainly be reactivated. And I like the other poster's examples of how difficult it is to establish boundaries when the uncle may be just a bit off on personal space issues, as a starting place. And it can get worse from there, so don't let it even be a possibility.

 

I wouldn't invite him to my house, but if you are comfortable having him come to the house, I would be sure that there are no pictures of the boys and I would lock the children's rooms and bathroom so that those areas are off limits to him. (I would mentally prepare as though I were entertaining a burglar; I'm not going to show him anything that will entice him to return and steal from me.)

 

So, if he is going to be in town, and he doesn't come to the house, what to do to make him feel welcome? Put him up in a decent motel; take him to your favorite dinner spot; take a summer evening stroll with him and his spouse; have dh go back to the hotel with him and spend some time reminiscing, while you and his spouse head your different ways. Plan a morning activity for the guys, like golfing or something that they'd enjoy, and you ladies can hit a cute tea room.

 

If you feel it is necessary, have a *grown* child or two pop in at some point to meet the uncle and make him feel included, but--oops--they don't have any pictures in their wallet either, darnit!

 

Then I'd cut the weekend short by having something that your family has to do or somewhere to be, preferable far, far away. You could even announce this ahead of time.

 

Do not friend this guy on FB.

 

You see the trend? Spend time with him, let your husband treat him well so that it is not a regret of your husband's when the man passes, but keep very clear boundaries to protect your own.

 

No doubt you will find my suggestions aren't an exact match for your family, but the principle comes through, I hope.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Valerie(TX)

[crl]

We have the creepy man in the neighborhood when I was growing up _ you know the one you were always told don't linger in front of his house, stay away from - HE's now my mil's new husband. And he does this sort of stuff. Just enough to get a physical touch but not enough for anyone to think something is wrong - other than with me for not liking him hugging my son, sitting beside him and snuggling and all that sort of @#@#. The next visit I physically held my son and showed him how to shake hands with the man and said, We prefer handshakes to hugs. From that point forward, I have had to watch him like a hawk. When he gets to near that one son, I have to run interference. But still, there's the whole he's building trust with this one child just by being here. But I have no proof he's ever done anything just that creepy feeling.

 

Just be prepared for that sort of "correct and acceptable" touching :tongue_smilie:

 

I hope it's ok to ask a question since this situation seems similar to ours. I have an uncle that married into the family many years ago. When I was younger, this guy liked to be a little too "touchy" for my taste. My Dad had given me permission to elbow him, knee him, or kick him if I ever felt threatened. We don't have anything to back up our uneasy feelings (no prior history to our knowledge, no other proof or people besides my mom's feelings) except my general creepy/yucky feelings whenever this guy was around. Now as an adult, I have a daughter that I'd like to protect from ever having those yucky feelings. Our problem is that I don't want to cause grief for my father who has to deal with his family members on a daily basis but of course I want to protect my daughter. Of course we keep her from ever being alone with him, but as the previous poster mentioned, there are still ways they can get away with things in public too. Any thoughts or suggestions on dealing with this while still respecting my father's need to deal with them (there are other hard feelings with his family such as my grandparents dislike of my mother and such)? Especially since we only have my creepy feeling to go by (which I assume my parents have some to in order to give me permission to hurt this man if needed).

Sorry this got long.

[MariannNOVA]

Merry:

 

Just in case you need more information to support your point of view, get a copy of TRANSFORMING TRAUMA by Anna Salter -- have your husband read it -- it's chilling.

[*Jessica*]

He would not step foot in MY house! Honestly, I wouldn't even be comfortable with my husband meeting with him. That's just going to invite him into your lives, which is something I would avoid at all costs. (See below for the reason why.) If this situation was happening to me and my husband insisted on spending time with his brother he would stay at a hotel and they could go out for dinner or something. He would not see or speak to me or my children.

 

I have a great uncle who rates very high on the creepy meter. I know in my heart that this man is a pedophile. Growing up my parents tried to keep him away from us, but at family reunions he would hug all of the young girls ("Come here and give your uncle a hug, girl!" Never giving us a chance to escape.) And the pictures! He always wanted to take pictures. We had to slink around family reunions trying to stay away from him and his camera. He had a way of looking at us that made our skin crawl. When I was a young teenager he moved to a nearby town and used to drop in unexpectedly. If my siblings and I were home alone we would lock the doors, turn off the lights, and hide. He would knock and knock and knock. My parents never let him into their house, but just having had contact with him at family reunions was enough to make him feel like part of our life and he kept coming back again and again and again.

 

Do not risk the safety of your family so that a man like that doesn't feel bad. Like JoAnn, this is a hill I would die on.

[Supertechmom]

I hope it's ok to ask a question since this situation seems similar to ours. I have an uncle that married into the family many years ago. When I was younger, this guy liked to be a little too "touchy" for my taste. My Dad had given me permission to elbow him, knee him, or kick him if I ever felt threatened. We don't have anything to back up our uneasy feelings (no prior history to our knowledge, no other proof or people besides my mom's feelings) except my general creepy/yucky feelings whenever this guy was around. Now as an adult, I have a daughter that I'd like to protect from ever having those yucky feelings. Our problem is that I don't want to cause grief for my father who has to deal with his family members on a daily basis but of course I want to protect my daughter. Of course we keep her from ever being alone with him, but as the previous poster mentioned, there are still ways they can get away with things in public too. Any thoughts or suggestions on dealing with this while still respecting my father's need to deal with them (there are other hard feelings with his family such as my grandparents dislike of my mother and such)? Especially since we only have my creepy feeling to go by (which I assume my parents have some to in order to give me permission to hurt this man if needed).

Sorry this got long.

 

Only thing I can think of is the passive aggressive route. You know the whole we would love to be there. And then OH sorry we just can't make it. Then it is always She wanted to come and see you but couldn't make it.

 

I'm not sure you can avoid the creepy feelings for your daughter other than respect her when she has it and let her know it is okay to not be around a person that makes her feel that way. That creepy feeling and knowing she has the right to blow that person off no matter who they are may save her one day when she's an adult. :grouphug:

[2cents]

He would not be allowed in my home or around my children. I would have a talk with the children about people like him and what they need to do if they are uncomfortable. Even if he doesn't stay the night, if he is treated like the average 'uncle' the children have established a higher degree of trust. It is this trust that pedophiles seek and then abuse. If dh has to meet with him, I'd have him do it on his own away from the house....far away. Trust your instinct on this.

[crl]

Thanks for the advice. Thankfully, we live in a town far enough away, that we have limited contact throughout the year (maybe 6 or less times a year). So it seems like the best we can do for her right now is to let her know she has permission to do what she needs to do to get away if she ever feels like the simple hug that older people love to give to little kids turns into anything more.

 

As for the original situation, I would most certainly let my DH know that he is free to have communication with his brother outside our home, but that our children would not be having any type of contact with the man. I've always felt our home was to be a safe place from all of the dangers and conflicts of the outside world. I've gone so far as to ask a local pastor to leave and not return because he was speaking out of line against our military family members who we support and our educational choices in front of my kids.

Edited April 9, 2010 by crl
typing error

[aggieamy]

and I'll add to it, hopefully continuing the "good" part. :)

 

I understand your husband's desire to reconnect with his brother. He can have his cake and eat it, too in this situation, but it will take a bit more creativity and planning to accomplish what he needs.

 

You now have a number of stories to validate your concerns about the possibilities of ongoing behavior, and I agree with the other posters that I wouldn't even want this uncle to see the children b/c whatever warped or twisted circuitry there is in his brain could certainly be reactivated. And I like the other poster's examples of how difficult it is to establish boundaries when the uncle may be just a bit off on personal space issues, as a starting place. And it can get worse from there, so don't let it even be a possibility.

 

I wouldn't invite him to my house, but if you are comfortable having him come to the house, I would be sure that there are no pictures of the boys and I would lock the children's rooms and bathroom so that those areas are off limits to him. (I would mentally prepare as though I were entertaining a burglar; I'm not going to show him anything that will entice him to return and steal from me.)

 

So, if he is going to be in town, and he doesn't come to the house, what to do to make him feel welcome? Put him up in a decent motel; take him to your favorite dinner spot; take a summer evening stroll with him and his spouse; have dh go back to the hotel with him and spend some time reminiscing, while you and his spouse head your different ways. Plan a morning activity for the guys, like golfing or something that they'd enjoy, and you ladies can hit a cute tea room.

 

If you feel it is necessary, have a *grown* child or two pop in at some point to meet the uncle and make him feel included, but--oops--they don't have any pictures in their wallet either, darnit!

 

Then I'd cut the weekend short by having something that your family has to do or somewhere to be, preferable far, far away. You could even announce this ahead of time.

 

Do not friend this guy on FB.

 

You see the trend? Spend time with him, let your husband treat him well so that it is not a regret of your husband's when the man passes, but keep very clear boundaries to protect your own.

 

No doubt you will find my suggestions aren't an exact match for your family, but the principle comes through, I hope.

 

This is a great suggestion. :iagree:

[Impish]

Here is something that concerns me with this situation: Once a visual connection is formed, there is the potential for obsession. If he sees your boys, he may form a desire that could be acted on later without your knowledge. Once your boys see him, a bond of trust is formed (the same on they have for any guest in your home or distant relative) He could instigate communication with them later and you not know, esp if you don't think to worry and watch for it. I don't like pictures of my children anywhere unknown people can see, and I certainly wouldn't let a person PROVEN untrustworthy near them. DH can meet him at a restaurant,you and the boys can stay at home.

 

Lara

:iagree:

Wolf's uncle (MIL's brother) is a pedophile. He plea bargained for having molested his daughters. There's no 'if' about what happened.

 

 

We found out MIL was giving him pics of OUR children. Wolf just about blew a gasket, and for a while, MIL didn't receive any pics. We don't want him slobbering over, fantasizing about our children.

 

MIL was talking about driving down with this brother and his wife. To visit us. We told her no way in h*ll. She freaked on us. About how 'unChristian' we were, how he HAVE to forgive, etc etc.

 

I told her *I* didn't need to forgive, he hadn't harmed me or mine...but that I would NEVER put him in a position to be able to. I told her I would no more have her brother in my home than plant a barrel of toxic waste in my living room. It wasn't until Wolf told her that if this uncle showed up, his mother would never again be allowed in our home that she finally dropped it.

 

What really freaked me out is that MIL has a sister with dementia, in a locked ward. She took their brother to visit! She then called me to BRAG about the fact that her sister no longer remembered that she didn't like their brother, and they all had 'such a nice visit'. :eek::svengo:To prove what a 'good Christian' she is, she forced this...scum...on a vulnerable woman! If the sister HAD remembered, she would have ended up either physically or chemically restrained...all because MIL decided that it should happen!

 

Do not, under any circumstances have this individual around your children. Period.

 

I'm guessing that the 'if he were older' bit in the OP doesn't refer to him playing Dr as a kid with other boys.

[SproutMamaK]

I'm in agreement with the others. Not only don't let him stay the night in your home, but don't let him meet or see photos of the kids.

 

I have friends that were molested byt their great-uncle. Their mother was molested by the same man when she was a child and he was 50. She assumed he'd have stopped once he walking with a cane, very much infirmed, etc. her family convinced her that he hadn't done anything since he'd molested her and her sister, that he was surely "safe" now. A family member showed him pictures of her young family, and he began obsessing over them, to no one's knowledge. (Of course they resemble their mother, and him having formerly molested her only added to the "intrigue" for him.) Eventually, under family pressure to be a good Christian and forgive, the family met him. He molested both of her daughters. Once they came forward, scads of other girls came forward about him having molested them in the period where he was supposedly "dormant".

 

Take no chances. You husband wants to reacquaint himself with his brother. That's fine, he's free to do so, but keep the kids out of it. I knwo this would be a hard sell since he thinks he should be able to SLEEP OVER [i can't even FATHOM that], but if he were my DH, I'd ask him to talk about the kids very little, and then only in general terms. Hearing a parent talk about a child lovingly, learning about their personalities, etc, is fodder for a pedophiles mind. Think about how a heterosexual male would feel hearing another guy speak about intimate details of his relationship with his wife, how she looks cutest, what makes her happy, what her strong and weak parts are, etc. The other guy gets a false sense of a loving relationship with and knowledge of this person they've heard about - you do NOT want that in the mind of a pedophile. Try to ask your DH to keep the details about the kids to a minimum.