Overprotective?

[PineFarmMom]

I'd like a Hive mind opinion on this. Sometimes I think I need to genuinely see if I need to loosen the reins a little or if I'm on target. It's hard as they get older and you're trying to figure out the boundaries, at least for me it's hard. ;)

 

I have a friend who lives a few hours from here who has asked if my almost-14yo dd can come stay a week with her and babysit her kids. It would be dd staying at her home in the country for 5 days, and 4 of those days the mom would be gone for 7 hours a day to a place about 45 minutes away. The children dd would watch are 1 and 4 years old.

 

#1, we haven't ever let dd stay that long with our own small children.

#2, even when I do let dd stay with them for 2 hours, at the most, I am not 45 minutes from home.

#3, I wouldn't like dd being out of town while watching small children alone all day like that.

#4, I have never felt comfortable with a 14yo babysitter for my own children that are under 5, particularly in a situation like this. I just wouldn't let that happen for my own little boys.

#5, dd won't even officially BE 14 yet.

 

I think the strangest part to me is that this friend seems to think it's so odd that I might consider NOT letting her do that. She says most of the kids she knows were babysitting by the age of 14. But all day? Away from home? Out in the country? With the mom that far away? With two small children? I might feel differently if she was 15 or 16.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I am with you, on each and every one of your enumerated points.

[Marylou]

First of all, do not worry what your friend or anyone else thinks about your final decision. You are the one person on earth who knows your daughter the best.

 

If you feel the least bit uneasy about the situation do not do it.

 

If you decide to let her do it, I would have your friend make sure your dd has a working cell phone to use, and trains your daughter how to use it.

 

Also, I would talk about the pay up front. Make sure your friend wants to hire your dd because she thinks she is the best one for the job, not because she's trying to get by cheap.

[Chris in VA]

It's common around here to hire a babysitter at 14, but she's only 13!

I can see more of a mother's helper at that age--where mom is home and is just getting some help, maybe with taking the kids to the park for an hour or something.

It won't hurt to wait a year.

Just say you appreciate your friend's confidence in your dd, but you don't feel she's ready.

[TxMama]

I've only recently started letting my dd watch my littles all day while I'm at work .....and she is 17. I'm about 40 min away so we wouldn't let her babysit all day with both parents unaccessible at work until she was comfortable driving and mature enough to handle any type of situation.

 

I don't think you are being overprotective at all.

Edited June 4, 2009 by Wendy B.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Considerations for me:

 

1) landline for 911 access

2) neighbor usually at home within running distance

3) children are within normal range for development and behavior

4) and of course the 14 WANTS to do this and understands the responsibility involved.

 

But generally, I can't see saying no. Of course, I'm thinking of MY teens, but....

 

You know YOUR kid. If you are being overprotective, you are telling her "I don't think you can handle this." Is that really representative of how you feel, that she's not capable and competent to do this? If it IS, don't let her! But if it is not, do you really want to give her that message?

 

ETA: sometimes I'm REALLY glad I read this board because it REALLY helps to know that I am NOT the most protective parent, good or bad....

[rwjx2khsmj]

Would your child be comfortable doing this? If she isn't, then the issue is solved. It's important to give our children the freedom they are ready for but we don't need to push them off a cliff they are in no way prepared to handle. Just the staying away from home or the long hours of being responsible for other children might be enough to make this something that would cause anxiety not accomplishment.

You know your child and you know what she is and isn't able to handle. Also, just because she CAN do something, doesn't mean that she's READY to do it. If you are hesitant or she is, there's a reason. Trust your mom sense on this one.

That seems like a lot to expect from an older child, IMO. As a parent, I wouldn't ask it of mine or anyone under the age of 16. Personally, I wouldn't leave my children in that situation with someone that can't drive.

Edited June 4, 2009 by rwjx2khsmj

[lynn]

from personal experience....my mom agreed to let my babysit for a couple who had one 7 or 8year old for 9 hours a day 5 days awake during school breaks and I really did not enjoy that at all it was just to long a time to expect from a 13 year old and I think I only got $25 for the week. Although he was an older child, no 13 year old should be expected to babysit that length of time it's just to much before adding on the other circumstances of you being far away and the mother being gone 7 hours at a time.

[katemary63]

Yeah, I would say maybe next year....or the next....:D. If it weren't so far out and away....if she WERE 14...then maybe. Too young for that much responsibility in general. Of course, you know YOUR kid.

[snickelfritz]

They are little kids.

 

Your dd isn't used to babysitting alone, much less for 7 hours at a time.

 

It's 4 days of it.

 

I'm assuming your dd hasn't spent just a ton of time with these kids, since they live a ways away.

 

 

*I* would be a little apprehensive about babysitting children for 4 days under these circumstances and whether they would be difficult days. And *I* can put them in their carseats and drive through drive-through for a Pepsi when I need a sanity break...um...not that I ever do that.

[fivetails]

I was babysitting full days in the summer before I'd even turned 12 - *but*, that was a long time ago. Different time, different place. (I'm 32 & this was on a small airforce base)...also babysat very late late nights at that age.. 2am kinda stuff, parents out at club, etc...

 

I have a dd12 and NO WAY would I let her do the sort of babysitting now that I was doing then - nor would I let her do the sort of babysitting that this lady is asking of your dd. But then again, my dd is a bit younger than yours... at 14... well...I can't really say. My dd isn't that old yet.

 

If we were asked [right now] what you've been asked - I'd say no. If the family lived *close* to us (rather than way out - I gather it's quite a distance if your dd is being asked to STAY there during the week?) I might say "Okay, but ds10 and I will tag along" --- I love kids and so does dd12, so that would give her the babysitting experience but WITH an adult around, kwim? Doesn't sound like that's workable for you in your situation though, I'm just musing about possibilities in ours.... been thinking of it lately, as dd12 *does* want to start babysitting for others...she's done a little, short stints for a friend who has a 7 year old....short periods with her little brother... has had her RC course...

 

But at 14... well, I don't really know. Maybe, when my dd is 14..this might be something we would do.. IF she was comfortable.. IF she knew how to look after that baby (as opposed to older kids, a 1 year old is way diff!)...IF she had quick easy access to help if needed... IF I knew she was responsible enough.... etc etc.... plus, IF this was a close family friend...place we felt trusting of...etc.

 

Not very helpful, am I. :tongue_smilie:

[fivetails]

Hey - is there anyone who could go along with her and also stay? Friend, cousin, maybe someone who is a little older....Just a thought... TWO girls staying there, safer, less stressful, etc... if the mum would be willing to have two come along, maybe that would work?

 

(might be totally impossible - but I just thought about it..of course, that's really only worth considering if this is something your dd *really* wants to do, and they'd have to split the money..)

[ChristusG]

No way. Those are really long days, really little kids, and in a place where your DD knows no one....and she's only a kid herself. I agree with every single one of your points. No way.

[Orthodox6]

I am with you, on each and every one of your enumerated points.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: . . . :iagree: ! ! ! ! ! !

 

In a rural area ?!

An infant among the children ?!

That far from her parents at age "almost 14" when she is unattended herself? (I don't mean at all that your dd is not to be trusted. I do mean that she would not have the "safe zone" feelings of being close to her parents, AND nobody would be looking out for her.)

 

I don't detect any "overprotective" thoughts at all ! I'm all at sea regarding how your friend thought this could be a good idea !

[Jumping In Puddles]

I agree with all of your points. No way.

[bkpan]

I'd like a Hive mind opinion on this. Sometimes I think I need to genuinely see if I need to loosen the reins a little or if I'm on target. It's hard as they get older and you're trying to figure out the boundaries, at least for me it's hard. ;)

 

I have a friend who lives a few hours from here who has asked if my almost-14yo dd can come stay a week with her and babysit her kids. It would be dd staying at her home in the country for 5 days, and 4 of those days the mom would be gone for 7 hours a day to a place about 45 minutes away. The children dd would watch are 1 and 4 years old.

 

#1, we haven't ever let dd stay that long with our own small children.

#2, even when I do let dd stay with them for 2 hours, at the most, I am not 45 minutes from home.

#3, I wouldn't like dd being out of town while watching small children alone all day like that.

#4, I have never felt comfortable with a 14yo babysitter for my own children that are under 5, particularly in a situation like this. I just wouldn't let that happen for my own little boys.

#5, dd won't even officially BE 14 yet.

 

I think the strangest part to me is that this friend seems to think it's so odd that I might consider NOT letting her do that. She says most of the kids she knows were babysitting by the age of 14. But all day? Away from home? Out in the country? With the mom that far away? With two small children? I might feel differently if she was 15 or 16.

 

I havent read any of the other replies, but only you can determine your dds readiness for something like this. And it sounds as if you already made up your mind. Trust in your mommy voice. I could see this being fine or not depending on the families involved. But, you are your dds mother and need to do what you feel is right. Who cares what anyone else believes is right for them? HTH

 

Kim

[PineFarmMom]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. BTW, on this, my distrust of the situation has nothing to do with dd. She has the maturity of an older kid and is one of the most trustworthy, responsible girls I've known at her age. A big part of this is the fact that she'd be 4-5 hours from me, out in the country in a situation she'd never been in with small children she doesn't know and the mom 45 minutes away. I have more of a tendency to trust her but not the situation, if you kwim? I just wanted to clear that part up. :)

 

I'm not even running this by her, so she has no idea I've even been asked. Dh and I have talked and have gone with our gut on this, and I thought I'd ask here too to see if others see things like we do, since my friend didn't see it at all the way I do. I'm protective, but as much as I am, dh tends to be even moreso. I am working hard to make sure that translates to the kids in a correct way, that it's not THEM we distrust.

[Orthodox6]

I feel completely sure that everybody who has responded understands that "the situation" is the problem ! If anything in my post led you to think that I was doubting your daughter, let me assure you that I absolutely was NOT doubting her !

 

 

Thanks everyone for your opinions. BTW, on this, my distrust of the situation has nothing to do with dd. She has the maturity of an older kid and is one of the most trustworthy, responsible girls I've known at her age. A big part of this is the fact that she'd be 4-5 hours from me, out in the country in a situation she'd never been in with small children she doesn't know and the mom 45 minutes away. I have more of a tendency to trust her but not the situation, if you kwim? I just wanted to clear that part up. :)

 

I'm not even running this by her, so she has no idea I've even been asked. Dh and I have talked and have gone with our gut on this, and I thought I'd ask here too to see if others see things like we do, since my friend didn't see it at all the way I do. I'm protective, but as much as I am, dh tends to be even moreso. I am working hard to make sure that translates to the kids in a correct way, that it's not THEM we distrust.

[Laurie4b]

I made mistakes of misevaluating the capabilities of mother's helpers (I didn't use teen babysitters) when my kids were little simply because I didn't have any older kids myself. I imagined them to be more capable than they were from my lack of experience with them.

 

Your friend doesn't understand, so you need to be the one to say no. You can explain or not as much as she is willing to hear. A mother of one of my mother's helpers explained something to me, and I was appreciative.

[Marylou]

The more I think about this the more I think it doesn't sound good. I didn't realize you were going to be that far away from her.

[MBM]

I vote no, too. Too many things could go horribly wrong.

[MamaT]

I would have the same concerns that you do, and I wouldn't allow it. That's just too far away from you, the mom will be too far away, and that's way too many hours to be alone with two littles.

 

I don't think you are being overprotective at all.

[Garga]

Might depend on the kid.

 

I was 14 and 15 when I had a job babysitting a little girl (9yo) after school. And in the summer, I babysat 2 little girls (8 and 10 yo) all day.

 

I hated it. I have no idea why I did it. I remember that the kids broke their phone, broke a thermometer (with mercury in it, while they were taking their temperatures, so it was in their mouths--broken glass and mercury), sprayed their mom's $90 perfume around, and fought constantly. We watched Dirty Dancing every single day. The one kid would turn on the microwave and then stick her head in the microwave (fortunately, the microwave turns off as soon as you open the door.)

 

And I had NO idea of how to control these kids. It was barely contained chaos. No one ever knew what was going on... I would never leave my kids with a kid like me!

[Impish]

I have a 4 yo and a 2.5 yo, and a 10 yo...and there's no way I'd be having a 13 yo mind them all day, with me 45 mins away, and nobody near by. Heck, I'm not sure I'd have a 13 yo mind them, period...at least not while the Littles were AWAKE. They're a handful for ME, let alone a young teen! :lol:

[Katiebug_1976]

You will have to make your own decision, and then stick with it regardless of what your friend or anyone else thinks. My dd13 (almost 14) has started staying home with my younger kids from time to time, but I am never more than 15 minutes away, and is not longer than just a couple hours at most. She also has my 11yodd most times at home with her to help. I have no doubts as to whether my could handle a job like that. She is very responsible and capable. But personally, I would not be comfortable with her being that far away from home, and left that far out for 7 hours a day. Things happen that sometimes we adults don't know how to handle. Imagine the stress and emotional issues that it could cause on a 13/14yo girl. Granted, I am probably setting up a "worst case senerio," but I usually tend to hope for the best , but prepare for the worst. Mabye I overreact, but I would rather be over cautious/over protective than have an emergency happen when dd was babysitting and no one be able to get there fast! This is just my opinion, but I suggest that you stick to your mothers instinct/gut feeling or whatever and make your decision based on what you feel comfortable with.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I didn't realize that your 14yo hasn't had a relationship with these people. That also makes a difference. Having a relationship, having visited several times, etc would be a lot different than dropping a young teen off in a strange place with people she doesn't know.

 

Anyway, it sounds like it's just not the right situation for y'all.

[Dobela]

I am a full grown adult with parenting experience and there were times my last 1 yr old was almost more than I could handle. I would not expect an unexperienced youth (of any age) to be able to handle all that is involved in the care of an infant. Children of those ages are challenging and stressful for adults. I can't imagine leaving them alone with an unexperienced youth for that many hours at a time.

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't consider it for all of your reasons and one more. My dds have got more important things to do than watch someone else's kids. When we watch kids it's because we love them, and it's done here at the house so we can all work/watch/play together.

[BellaMama]

I would not have been responsible enough at that age.

[joannqn]

It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with the arrangement and that is ok. I can tell you that I wouldn't allow it based on what you've described. A couple things that bother me are 1) the fact that your daughter is 14, 2) she's not used to babysitting for extended periods of time, and 3) the fact that one of the kids is only 1 (that's a lot of work/responsibility).

[KidsHappen]

It would be a no go here. My 17 year old is just now considering a baby sitting job watching a one year old. And this is family and the mom would be no where near that far away and my dd has lots of experience with small children in general and this child in particular. I agree with you on all points and would simply say no, I just don't think she is ready for that kind of responsibility yet, so sorry.

[Catwoman]

I haven't read all of the replies, so I don't know if I'm in the majority or the minority, but I would say NO, absolutely not. It's not like your dd would be babysitting for a few kids in your own neighborhood, where she was familiar with her surroundings and you and the mom were just a quick phone call away.

 

I agree with all of your reasons for being concerned, and would even add a few more of my own (but I won't, because you've already made it pretty clear that this isn't something you're comfortable about.)

 

And who cares what your friend thinks? This is your dd, not hers, and her opinions on the matter aren't particularly important. If I were you, I would politely decline, and leave it at that.

 

Cat

[katilac]

I have found that parents are often desperate for babysitters, to the point where they will overlook almost anything if it means having a warm body present to watch the kids.

 

There is almost nothing positive in this scenario. You're not being overprotective, just practical.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have found that parents are often desperate for babysitters, to the point where they will overlook almost anything if it means having a warm body present to watch the kids.

 

 

 

Yes, your friend sounds like she is trying to subtlely (sp?) manipulate you into having your dd do this - because it will make things easier for her. (She may not even be totally aware that she is doing this btw). Moms have peer pressure too - and the "you're being overprotective" and "all the other moms with 14 year olds are doing it" are two lines that are used to influence us to do what they want.

[Terabith]

Well, I was babysitting young kids for 8 hours a day, several days a week, from the age of 12. I really liked it, and quite frankly, even looking back on it, I did a superb job. I put a lot of thought and preparation into activities, etc. By 13 or 14, I was caring for a 4 month old (with severe colic and reflux), for 8 hours a day for most of the summer. It was a great experience for me. And I have used 14 year old babysitters for my own kids, when they were toddlers, and had great experiences! They were very mature kids who loved little kids.

 

So, I would want to say yes. Assuming, of course, that your dd *wants* to. However, if she doesn't have much babysitting experience, that could be problematic. It's not at all ideal for a first babysitting gig, to be so far from home, with parents far away, for such a long time.

 

I guess it depends on how much experience she has with young kids and being on her own with them. How comfortable is she with changing diapers? If she hasn't had much experience, then I think you are entirely reasonable in saying no. But, I would talk it over with your dd. Explain your concerns, but I'd be tempted to let her make the final decision. But, again, you know your dd best.

[bettyandbob]

This would be a job for someone who

1. has been away from home.

2. has experience babysitting young children other than her siblings.

3. is comfortable with the family.

4. has parents comfortable with the family.

5. has experience babysitting long hours.

 

Your dd doesn't meet all of these criteria, so she is not a candidate for the job.

 

Additionally, as a parent I'd want to know if

1. there is was a close neighbor who could help in an emergency, running distance as another poster described. My babysitter's get the phone numbers of my next door neighbor and my mother (1 mile away).

2. landline 911 access, as suggested previously

3. whether there would be a time when an adult male would be home, but the mother would not. I don't care how well I know the person, I don't think I could be comfortable with my teenage dd in the home of an unrelated male.

[Rosie_0801]

My 22 year old brother babysat my not yet two year old for a day while I was having #2, and he does have experience with babysitting other people's kids. He was more exhausted after the experience than I was after mine :D I think 4 days in a row would have killed him.

 

Rosie

[phathui5]

When I was 14, I babysat a 2 year old while her mom worked from 7pm to 2am.

[Marylou]

 

Additionally, as a parent I'd want to know if

1. there is was a close neighbor who could help in an emergency, running distance as another poster described.

 

And by "running distance" we mean running fast with a four year old and 1 year old! THAT is difficult!

[moosemomma]

I babysat from 7am to 3pm a 3yo and 18 month old when I was 14 1/2 yr old.

 

HOWEVER -

1. I knew the children very well - they were my second cousins.

 

2. I had been caring for them for a year. I starting out as a mom's helper two days a week the previous summer, moved to actually babysitting in the fall. The first few times with another teen who HAD actual babysitting experience. I babysat them regularly while my cousin and her DH's had their weekly date night.

 

3. It was close to home. It was only 2-3 miles from my home.

 

4. I got to "go home" at the end of the day - your daughter would not get a break from the children and just hang with her friends,being a typical teen in the evening. This is a HUGE stress reliever for a first time job of any kind.

 

5. My cousin's retired great-grandmother was two minutes away in case of an emergency.

 

6. My cousin PAID for a first aid/ CPR course for me to take before I started caring for her kids.

 

I was a responsible young lady 25 years ago so my mom and dad OKed it because they thought I could handle it. In an emergency, Suzy, my cousin, was 15-20 minutes away and the hospital was less than a mile away.

 

My mom would have NEVER agreed with the babysitting arrangement you described and NEITHER would Susan. There are just to many what ifs in the scenario your dd would be placed in.

 

Jill

[Peela]

I wouldnt- and my dd is also very competent and mature- simply because I wouldnt want to put her in a situation that might end in a tragedy that would scar her for life. A 1 year old is ripe for wandering, falling in a dam, or a bucket of water, or a bathtub, eating something and choking....us mothers sometimes fail in protecting our children from these things but have many more years of experience in how to deal with potentially dangerous situations- and the hormones to act in a crisis, too. I wouldnt give my 14yo so much responsibility for such small children, so far away from adult help.

[Terabith]

This would be a job for someone who

1. has been away from home.

2. has experience babysitting young children other than her siblings.

3. is comfortable with the family.

4. has parents comfortable with the family.

5. has experience babysitting long hours.

 

Your dd doesn't meet all of these criteria, so she is not a candidate for the job.

 

 

Well said!

[Lolly]

Of my three girls, I would feel extremely comfortable with one of them taking this job at that age; one moderately comfortable; and the other I would never consider it. But, my kids are used to watching other littles that age, have stayed alone for extended periods of time, and are comfortable with the jobs involved in running a household. Heck, one of them can probably do it better than her mother can (that would be me). Since your dd has very little experience on all the required levels, I would say no.

[jedbel]

I would not want an almost 14 yr old babysitting my littles for that many hours in a rural area without close neighbors.

[Denisemomof4]

when I don't listen to that little voice inside me, I *ALWAYS* regret it. Always.

 

Listen to your good mommy intuition. You'll be a wreck the entire week of you don't.

 

Funny to see this thread right now. I was just telling my friend the same thing. She's nervous about letting her teen spend the night at a certain friend's house. I told her that that little voice inside her can't be ignored. One time I went against EVERY rule to allow my YOUNG daughter to spend the night at a friend's house. DH couldn't believe I was even asking if she could. He's learned to listen to my "voice" and trust it, too, just as I have learned to listen to his. It turned out to be a huge blessing and to this day I listened. I didn't even KNOW the parents and when I dropped my YOUNG daughter off, I stayed over an hour talking. We had SO much in common and a common struggle - one difficult child..... mine adopted, hers sort of special needs (as in mental illness.) Anyway, I'm glad I trusted myself as this little girl is one of my daughter's favorite friends.

 

AND, when I didn't listen to it I regretted it and my son paid the price by having a HORRIBLE time. HE wanted to go but I didn't want him to. I felt uncomfortable because this boy spent the night at our house EVERY week and I felt like I had to allow my son to go to his house. BIG mistake. The house was filthy and when my son fell and BADLY skinned his entire knee he wouldn't take a bath there because the tub was filthy. He and his friend were also locked in the garage by his older brother. (older by 2 years.) I loved his mother and we became friends so I trusted her, but I ignored that voice only one time, and I still think of it.

 

You know the right thing. Trust yourself. ;)

[SonshineLearner]

I think that if she were in town with you, that'd be fine. But far out...in the country...no. I have a just turned 14 year old, she's very responsible...and she takes care of her little brother (now almost 6) and I still try to make it so she only has him 1/2 day or less. (She can share taking care of him with my 17 year old.) When she was younger, I did let her take care of him for a while at a time... But, a one year old is just too young for a 14 year old for that many hours...that many days...too many things can happen....when boredom for all sets in.

Carrie:-)

[Natalieclare]

Of my three girls, I would feel extremely comfortable with one of them taking this job at that age; one moderately comfortable; and the other I would never consider it. But, my kids are used to watching other littles that age, have stayed alone for extended periods of time, and are comfortable with the jobs involved in running a household. Heck, one of them can probably do it better than her mother can (that would be me). Since your dd has very little experience on all the required levels, I would say no.

 

 

This is close to how I feel about my oldest 3 children. They have read this thread and are incredulous that so many are against it.

 

One thing that I am having a hard time understanding is why so many people have concerns over the "country factor". I live out in the country and it's hard for me to fathom why that would be extra risky. I'm much more worried about the city!

 

That is not to say I disagree with the op, I think she knows what is best for her daughter. I'm just musing about what rings people's alarm bells.

[katilac]

This is close to how I feel about my oldest 3 children. They have read this thread and are incredulous that so many are against it.

 

One thing that I am having a hard time understanding is why so many people have concerns over the "country factor". I live out in the country and it's hard for me to fathom why that would be extra risky. I'm much more worried about the city!

 

That is not to say I disagree with the op, I think she knows what is best for her daughter. I'm just musing about what rings people's alarm bells.

 

Regarding being in the country, my concern is that it would be much harder to quickly summon help of any kind, get to a hospital, etc.

 

If a babysitter came banging on their door in a panic, even the most nimrod-esque of my neighbors would be willing and able to help. They would help staunch the bleeding, check the house for intruders, whatever! Preferably, the sitter would be introduced to some of the neighbors ahead of time, have their phone numbers, etc.

 

In the country, there are often no near neighbors, the hospital might be far away, and this teen is too young to drive. It can be troublesome in an emergency, and very isolating in the absence of one for a young teen in the lone company of two very small children.

[Katrina]

My kids tend to be more free ranged than most on this forum, but I wouldn't be comfortable having my dd watch that age group for 7 hours a day. A couple of hours or a mommy helper situation is fine, but with 7 hours you've also got to factor in things like meal prep, eating, and clean up while managing young kids. That would be a little too much for my dd at least.