S/O midlife crisis

[Eos]

Have you or a loved one gone through a midlife crisis?  I'm trying to avoid the phrase as a joke or meme or a dismissive put-down.

What did it look like? How long did it last? What helped move it along, besides tincture of time?

Thank you.

[Eos]

I'll start.  Mine: I took three young kids to Italy for 7 weeks and felt sad when my husband visited.  Mine lasted about 4 years.

Dh bought a tractor.

[MEmama]

Yep. Mine was full blown, and coincided with lots of self realisations about marriage, patriarchy and sexuality. For extra fun I simultaneously fell into a deep depression, realised my family history of neurodivergency didn't actually skip over me and likely manifests in my quirks, crippling social anxiety and lifelong masking, and my anxiety leapt several notches and introduced me to massive, uncontrollable panic attacks. All kinds of peri/menopause symptoms came roaring into my life as well, including a deeply seething and explosive anger directed at nearly everything and everyone except my cats. They alone are the reason I didn't walk out of my home and life.

I am now properly medicated and on the other side, but to say it's been a rough few years is an understatement. I truly didn't think I'd make it out, and I'm still not convinced I'm just in a lull of temporary peace. 

[SanDiegoMom]

I went back to work (part time) after having stayed at home with kids for 18 years, started piano lessons, and started pilates. But my husband hasn't had time to have a mid life crisis yet after retiring from the military and starting a new job which is VERY time consuming.  

I'm not sure what will happen when the last two kids go off next year to college.  I think we will be ok -- but I am so glad I started working.  I know it would have been a lot more lonely even though I don't work full time!

Perimenopause has caused feelings to be closer to the surface, and there was a lot of anxiety going on (so much change as well, so it was hard to know what was hormonal and what wasn't).  

I feel a lot more settled now. 

[BakersDozen]

3 hours ago, Eos said:

Have you or a loved one gone through a midlife crisis?  I'm trying to avoid the phrase as a joke or meme or a dismissive put-down.

What did it look like? How long did it last? What helped move it along, besides tincture of time?

Thank you.

Living (as best I can) it now. Didn't think it would happen to me - such foolishness. Right now I'd say it's more a midlife almost-crisis and only the fact that I still have my younger dc at home and can focus/pour into them keeps me going. I don't go to church anymore. I don't pray. I don't believe in a lot of what I did and find the "sunshine" in my thoughts and general outlook on life, especially what is yet to come, is not there. I don't laugh - I realized that a year or so ago when an old friend came to visit and I was shocked when I heard her laugh.

I ignore my dh (and he does the same with me) - it keeps us married. Part of my midlife almost-crisis was realizing one day that I will most likely never feel a loving touch or experience a kind, loving look or word again. That knocked the wind out of me emotionally. It was about that time that I realized what is coming as far as dc leaving the home...and I can't even think about that without facing some really dark emotions.

For the first time ever, I realized why some people make some choices - leaving their spouse, walking away, or worse. And I realized that the word "crisis" is just that, and I never used the term lightly again because if I feel this way with what I would deem an almost-crisis, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a full crisis.

I'm more angry and negative now, and I hate it. I experienced a few days of almost happiness and normalcy (it's been so long since I felt that way, it was quite strange) when I took only my dc away for a week. Dh didn't go with us. It was lovely and I never wanted to go home again.

As it's still on going, I can't answer as to how long it will last. My coping means I accept that this is how it is for now, and try not to think that it may get worse.

What helps? Spending time with my dc. Holding my 6yos. Staying up late and then reading until I don't have the energy to think before falling asleep. Staying busy. Not thinking too much on anything. Avoiding dh. Exercising - keeping that time when I can watch a movie and check out mentally, even if only for an hour or so.

Honestly, I'm really scared. Like really, really scared. The other night was so bad, I almost drove myself to the E.R. to be committed. Never felt that way before, not even with all the sad or horrible crud that came my way.

Not much help, sorry.

[Spryte]

I was coming to post my small story from a few years ago, when I had a minor crisis, and how I managed it with making some changes and a commitment to stay accountable to friends and call my doc about meds if I didn’t see changes by a certain date. 

But @BakersDozen, your post took my breath away. I hope you will call someone tomorrow — even your GP — and talk to them honestly, mention the near trip to the ER. That is a lot to bear alone, and you need support. Would you consider meds? Therapy? An inpatient stay could be transformative — and it’s the quickest way to get on meds and get them adjusted, if you’re up for that. I don’t push meds, but I do think they are an amazing coping tool — a crutch we need at some points in life. And it does sound like you need coping tools right now. If we lived close, I’d be inviting you for coffee and hanging out, or helping you make phone calls or whatever you need. Please know that we all care for you. 

Edited February 22 by Spryte
Typos

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I was coming to post my small story from a few years ago, when I had a minor crisis, and how I managed it with making some changes and a commitment to stay accountable to friends and call my doc about meds if I didn’t see changes by a certain date. 

But @BakersDozen, your post took my breath away. I hope you will call someone tomorrow — even your GP — and talk to them honestly, even mention the near trip to the ER. That is a lot to bear alone, and you need support. Would you consider meds? Therapy? Even that inpatient stay could be transformative — and it’s the quickest way to get on meds and get them adjusted, if you’re up for that. I don’t push meds, but I do think they are an amazing coping tool — a crutch we need at some points in life. And it does sound like you need coping tools right now. If we lived close, I’d be inviting you for coffee and hanging out, or helping you make phone calls or whatever you need. Please know that we all care for you. 

I agree completely. @BakersDozen I do hope you will call your doctor tomorrow. 

[Kassia]

Hugs to you @BakersDozen.  I do hope you reach out for help.  And please vent here - we all care and don't want you to struggle like this.  

[Eos]

3 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Living (as best I can) it now. Didn't think it would happen to me - such foolishness. Right now I'd say it's more a midlife almost-crisis and only the fact that I still have my younger dc at home and can focus/pour into them keeps me going. I don't go to church anymore. I don't pray. I don't believe in a lot of what I did and find the "sunshine" in my thoughts and general outlook on life, especially what is yet to come, is not there. I don't laugh - I realized that a year or so ago when an old friend came to visit and I was shocked when I heard her laugh.

I ignore my dh (and he does the same with me) - it keeps us married. Part of my midlife almost-crisis was realizing one day that I will most likely never feel a loving touch or experience a kind, loving look or word again. That knocked the wind out of me emotionally. It was about that time that I realized what is coming as far as dc leaving the home...and I can't even think about that without facing some really dark emotions.

For the first time ever, I realized why some people make some choices - leaving their spouse, walking away, or worse. And I realized that the word "crisis" is just that, and I never used the term lightly again because if I feel this way with what I would deem an almost-crisis, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a full crisis.

I'm more angry and negative now, and I hate it. I experienced a few days of almost happiness and normalcy (it's been so long since I felt that way, it was quite strange) when I took only my dc away for a week. Dh didn't go with us. It was lovely and I never wanted to go home again.

As it's still on going, I can't answer as to how long it will last. My coping means I accept that this is how it is for now, and try not to think that it may get worse.

What helps? Spending time with my dc. Holding my 6yos. Staying up late and then reading until I don't have the energy to think before falling asleep. Staying busy. Not thinking too much on anything. Avoiding dh. Exercising - keeping that time when I can watch a movie and check out mentally, even if only for an hour or so.

Honestly, I'm really scared. Like really, really scared. The other night was so bad, I almost drove myself to the E.R. to be committed. Never felt that way before, not even with all the sad or horrible crud that came my way.

Not much help, sorry.

I'm so sorry, and I so appreciate your honesty. I agree with other posters that you deserve to be seen by a health care professional, your children will benefit too. It really sounds like you are in a crisis, not an almost-crisis, but with the amount of mothering you've done and are still doing, you might tend to minimize. Hugs and peaceful thoughts to you,

Eos

[Ginevra]

My dh did, for sure. He was in a really bad place for probably five years. To be blunt, he was a total jerk. It came to a head when we had a politically-induced argument about the state of the country after Jan 6, 2021. I was at my breaking point about him and our marriage was almost over. I said some things, which included that I would not live like this anymore. I guess that was a wake-up call for him and things changed. 
 

I did also have a more minor crisis. Probably lasted about three years. I just felt like my life didn’t mean anything. I would wake up in the morning and say in my head, “What are you doing?!” This got drastically better when I started working. It gave me purpose and different things to focus my energy on. Bonus: I was no longer focused on whatever dh was doing/not doing. Honestly, I had gotten to a place of apathy with him for that period of time.  All of this got much better when I got my current job. I could survive alone if he was gone. Ironically, it made me happier with him than I had been in years. 

Edited February 22 by Ginevra
Changed a word

[Harriet Vane]

@BakersDozen Warm hugs for you.

[WildflowerMom]

12 hours ago, MEmama said:

Yep. Mine was full blown, and coincided with lots of self realisations about marriage, patriarchy and sexuality. For extra fun I simultaneously fell into a deep depression, realised my family history of neurodivergency didn't actually skip over me and likely manifests in my quirks, crippling social anxiety and lifelong masking, and my anxiety leapt several notches and introduced me to massive, uncontrollable panic attacks. All kinds of peri/menopause symptoms came roaring into my life as well, including a deeply seething and explosive anger directed at nearly everything and everyone except my cats. They alone are the reason I didn't walk out of my home and life.

I am now properly medicated and on the other side, but to say it's been a rough few years is an understatement. I truly didn't think I'd make it out, and I'm still not convinced I'm just in a lull of temporary peace. 

Holy sh*t.  I think we’re twins.   You just described what I’m dealing with now.   The only thing I’ll add is that I am extremely interested in s*x all the time.  I assume this is hormonal.   Dh is happy about it, obvs.   But in that regard, I feel like I’m 20 again.  It’s kind of crazy.   But 100% on everything you said.   It’s a crazy time of life right now for me.   

[Home'scool]

My Ex hubby definitely had a mid-life crisis, which forced me into one. 

He did all the usual .... started working out, lots of man-scaping, started coming home late, started an affair with a woman he knew in high school. 

So we went into divorce mode. I cried a ton, couldn't sleep because after 30 years with this man I did not know who I was on my own, and was not sure I wanted to be on my own. I spent at least 3 years in a constant state of anxiety.

Fast forward with lots of therapy in between .... I am SOOO happy being single. 

One of the best things my therapist said to me: I was telling him that I felt I had been thrown off my course of life when I met my husband in college, and that 28 years of being married to a narcissist completely blotted out any part of who I could have been. My therapist simply said "Well, start that now. Go back to who you were at 18 and start making decisions based on THAT person and not who you were changed into."

That statement gave me a lot of freedom to explore ME. 

I have a big Thank ya! to my ex if I ever see him again.

[City Mouse]

2 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

  The only thing I’ll add is that I am extremely interested in s*x all the time.  I assume this is hormonal.   Dh is happy about it, obvs.   But in that regard, I feel like I’m 20 again.  It’s kind of crazy.   But 100% on everything you said.   It’s a crazy time of life right now for me.   

Thank you! I was embarrassed to say this when the other posts seemed so down. This was not a symptom I was expecting based on what I hear from most other women. 
 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, City Mouse said:

Thank you! I was embarrassed to say this when the other posts seemed so down. This was not a symptom I was expecting based on what I hear from most other women. 
 

Don't be embarrassed!  I'm envious of you and @WildflowerMom.  I'd love to have that feeling back and I know DH would love it too.  😛

[ikslo]

I call it mid-life action. I asked for a divorce and took back my life. 

Everyone who knew me before I met my soon-to-be ex has said the same thing: I have my smile back. Why, yes. Yes, I most certainly do.

Wasn’t about to spend the next 20-40 years like the last 10, wishing life were different. I had to make it happen. 

Acceptance and action does not always mean crisis. It just looks that way to people who don’t want to accept it. My soon-to-be ex even suggested I just needed to be medicated. So you can continue to control me? Nah, thanks anyway. The crisis would have been staying. Let society judge me for it. I’m happy again!

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Holy sh*t.  I think we’re twins.   You just described what I’m dealing with now.   The only thing I’ll add is that I am extremely interested in s*x all the time.  I assume this is hormonal.   Dh is happy about it, obvs.   But in that regard, I feel like I’m 20 again.  It’s kind of crazy.   But 100% on everything you said.   It’s a crazy time of life right now for me.   

When I went off birth control when he got a vasectomy, it also coincided with perimenopause or whatever. But yes, I wanted it ALL THE TIME. Unfortunately, this was also during a really low point of my husband and he barely wanted it.  It was so frustrating at the time.

So OP, I would say that mine was sort of a perfect storm: perimenopause, some relationship stuff that needed to change/I needed to change, a gp putting me on the absolute worst anti-depressant with no follow-up, so yeah.  For several years it was really, really bad...

But now, it is so much better.  So much better.  When I hit menopause, everything flattened out, including the sex drive.  It is more normal rather than the....we just had sex, but I want it again NOW. I never felt satisfied for those couple of years even when we had it every day or several times a day. It was really weird.  

[bookbard]

14 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Honestly, I'm really scared. Like really, really scared. The other night was so bad, I almost drove myself to the E.R. to be committed. Never felt that way before, not even with all the sad or horrible crud that came my way.

So I went through this about 8 years ago. Did go to hospital, thought I was having heart issues - actually panic. They were kind but not much use. 

What ended up making a difference to me was exercise and getting a job. Getting work so you're in the zone for hours at a time - and I'm in the equivalent of a minimum wage job, not doing anything professional, but I help people each day and am appreciated for it (by 99% - there's always that one person). 

[Wheres Toto]

I had my "mid-life" crisis early.   I was in my early 30's, had been married for 10 years, and just felt like life was never going to get better.  I was having panic attacks, my ex was emotionally abusive, things seemed hopeless and I was actually wishing for some crisis to interrupt life as it was. 

I ended up getting divorced, spending a few years figuring out who I was and what I wanted (I obviously had married really young).    Dh and I will have been married 20 years this October.  The difference between how I feel now when I'm actually "middle age" and how I felt then is astronomical.  

[JustEm]

Dh says he had one 4 years ago.  This was when he made a complete career change as a first step to improving our marriage.  It was the best thing for our marriage and probably the most positive midlife crisis I know of.

I think I'm going through one right now.  I just feel like something needs to change. I'm often sick of the monotonous day to day life of a stay at home home schooling mom. I'm stuck in my own Groundhog Day and need a change.  Overall, I am happy with my life and don't actually want to change anything.  However, the idea that I'll be doing this for another 14 years is hard to grasp at the moment.

[scbusf]

I think I'm in the midst of one. A lot of these posts resonate with me right now.

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, ikslo said:

I call it mid-life action. I asked for a divorce and took back my life. 

Same. I had been married for 25 years when I discovered my now xh’s double life.

I had been VERY unhappy with him for a long time. But I compartmentalized and created my own happiness with our son, family, friends, my faith, homeschooling. I would have done that until I died. But my line in the sand was other women. 

The day I made the decision to divorce him was both freeing and terrifying. I felt like the Taylor Swift lyric, ‘the bravest thing I ever did was run.’

It was definitely a crisis for me but I knew I had no choice. 

[Ausmumof3]

I think DH kind of had one. He had a major career change. However even though it was a “midlife crisis” it was really brewing for a few years well before that. I suspect many people end up in careers they don’t want due to pressure from various directions and survive when they’re young and they have time and money for hobbies and interests and distractions. When kids come along and start consuming all the spare time and money it becomes untenable because they can’t fix the drain that work is on them anymore.

I hate having to work and absolutely love my days at home, but if I’m being really honest I suspect I’m mentally healthier when I have some external structure keeping me moving. (I don’t hate my job. I’ve been incredibly lucky in my boss, and most of my students are lovely. I just hate the logistics because I still do 90pc of washing and dishes etc and homeschool and the whole package is really exhausting).

Edited February 23 by Ausmumof3

[bookbard]

16 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

(I don’t hate my job. I’ve been incredibly lucky in my boss, and most of my students are lovely. I just hate the logistics because I still do 90pc of washing and dishes etc and homeschool and the whole package is really exhausting).

Oh, that's the same for me. I really did not want to take this job on because I knew I'd end up doing everything I was already doing, plus working. And that is what has happened - I still do 90% of everything plus work. 

[Corraleno]

I feel like I got dragged through someone else's midlife crisis, rather than getting to have my own. At the age most people probably go through a midlife crisis (mid-40s or so), I had a preschooler and a baby, so I was just starting the child-rearing years rather than nearing the end and wondering what came next. I was in my late 50s when my then-husband had a serious mental health crisis and I had to pack everything up and leave the state with a 12 yr old, a 16 yr old, and a developmentally-disabled 80 yr old (I had guardianship of ex's uncle).

The two years between Ex demanding a divorce and the point at which we'd finally managed to get all of our things out and were settled into our new lives in another state, were by far the most stressful of my life, and certainly traumatic for the kids, too. But in the long run, getting away from the craziness and toxicity was definitely best for all of us. I'd spent so many years walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that might trigger him, trying to protect the kids from it as much as I could, that I hadn't realized the toll it had taken on me to be in that constant state of hypervigilance. Once we were 1400 miles away, I felt like I could finally exhale for the first time in years.

[scbusf]

To those of you that have successfully navigated this, did you feel that seeing a Counselor was helpful?

[ikslo]

34 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I'd spent so many years walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that might trigger him, 

This. So much this.

[regentrude]

16 minutes ago, scbusf said:

To those of you that have successfully navigated this, did you feel that seeing a Counselor was helpful?

No. I found counseling completely useless. One therapist pushed meds, even though I clearly told her that I did not want any and that I felt I had more of a spiritual crisis of meaning than a chemical imbalance. One therapist told me after the intake conversation that I didn't need therapy and that "you already know what to do". One counselor I saw for several months, and it was unhelpful. "Hm, have you thought of journaling about that?" Lady, I'm a writer, and I have extensively written about everything that I am telling you.

I had a single session with a very out-of-the-box, new-age type practitioner who helped more than all the counselors. Plus lots of heavy physical labor outside in the sun, which finally helped.

Edited February 23 by regentrude

[Sneezyone]

All of my feelings are very close to the surface. I’ve always been able to be relatively mellow in real life but, at the moment, every little thing feels like a pea under my mattress. I wouldn’t say I’m scared but I have employed a few coping mechanisms. 1) I imagine myself like Elsa with the storm raging around me and sit still, eyes closed, and breathe deep. 2) I send my people away/off when I feel on the verge of explosion. 3) I created a gospel playlist that reminds me to do 1&2 and have that on a loop in the car. I’m having mixed results, lol. Ask me again at the end of this year.

Edited February 23 by Sneezyone

[Spryte]

3 hours ago, scbusf said:

To those of you that have successfully navigated this, did you feel that seeing a Counselor was helpful?

No. Not for this. And I’m very pro-therapy. I’ve had great experiences with therapy!

For me, hard workouts — the getting sweaty for 45 mins to an hour cardio kind, eating in a way that works for my body (my doc helped me determine), and taking the supplements that my doc recommended helped. Also, to be frank, lots of intimate time with DH. I did other things — projects, learning new things, but those first 3-4 were the physical components that helped the most. I also lost 25 lbs as a result but the weight loss was a happy side effect. It has stayed off for maybe 8 years now.

I also mentioned that I had a group of accountability friends. We checked in with each other. When I started making changes, I was feeling very down. I made the commitment to my friends that if I didn’t see noticeable improvement in how I was feeling within three weeks, I would talk to my doc about anti-depressants. 

Edited February 23 by Spryte

[Tap]

10 hours ago, ikslo said:

I call it mid-life action. I asked for a divorce and took back my life. 

Everyone who knew me before I met my soon-to-be ex has said the same thing: I have my smile back. Why, yes. Yes, I most certainly do.

Wasn’t about to spend the next 20-40 years like the last 10, wishing life were different. I had to make it happen. 

Acceptance and action does not always mean crisis. It just looks that way to people who don’t want to accept it. My soon-to-be ex even suggested I just needed to be medicated. So you can continue to control me? Nah, thanks anyway. The crisis would have been staying. Let society judge me for it. I’m happy again!

This is me too!  

I was tired of settling for a worn out marriage just because I got pregnant at 22 and married out of obligation. I asked for the divorce and never regretted it.....for even one second. Seriously, I was soooo much happier starting the day I decided it was over and never looked back. Divorced during COVID. Everyone commented on how happy I looked ! 

I didn't plan on dating again, and was looking forward to being single for.ev.er! I wanted to just be me for a change. My two older kids were adults and 100% independent. DD17 was 14/15 so old enough that she could make her own choices and I didn't have to worry about split households. 

I changed jobs, and due to WFH, I forced myself to reach out to people I knew, to avoid shutting down socially, I reconnected with an old family friend from my teens and quite unexpectedly fell in love. Oops. LOL

We are very happy and I love the feeling of being an equal in a relationship, instead of a wife/mom/maid. 

XH and I are good friends and still chat sometimes (due to sharing dd17). I have absolutely zero interest in him, but it is really nice to be able to maintain a friendship since we were together almost 30 years. 

[MEmama]

10 hours ago, scbusf said:

To those of you that have successfully navigated this, did you feel that seeing a Counselor was helpful?

I didn't/ haven't tried.

[Tap]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

I didn't/ haven't tried.

I saw a counselor before asking dh for a divorce. I told her the reason I was there was I wanted a person who was completely independent of us as couple to give me an honest view point. I wanted to know if my marital concerns were legit or if I was throwing a pity party and needed to be told to get over myself. I went to maybe half s dozen sessions before she completely validated my concerns and asked me why I had stayed so long. 
 

She did what I asked and helped me talk thru somethings that I knew I was justifying but was also trying hard not to wallow in self pity.

For instance xh traveled for work so my schedule was 100% independent of him being home. His schedule did not revolve around anyone else but his work typical M-F job. I worked weekends and a couple weekdays so I had weekdays off for dds appointments and therapy. Xhs best friends had zero kids and traveled  lot. He was always invited to tag along just paying for food. Because he traveled for work, he had tons of miles to pay for flights etc. This made travel really cheap. He would take several long weekends a year and 1-2 week long vacations. I didn’t go on vacations for years. My vacations off from work… were crammed with extra appointments, house projects etc and dd still had school/sports etc during the week. Since he was gone for work , there wasn’t anyone home to care for her if I took off during the week . My friends were busy raising kids so they could get away for dinner but not a weekend. If I did take a full weekend off when he was home to be with dd, I would have been by myself and paid for 100% on my own. He was always gone, so I spent a lot of time alone already so that wasn’t a novelty to me. I would justify that the imbalance wasn’t fair but just due to opportunity.  It wouldn’t make sense to pressure xh to skip opportunities just to sit home and do nothing. He has depression and sitting home meant sleeping the weekend away. The only reason for a pity party was I wasn’t able to take any vacations…. But he could fit in 20+ days away a year because it didn’t disrupt my schedule at all. Hawaii, road trips, week long sailing trips, California more times than I can count etc. I had less help when he was gone, but that was it. If he didn’t take the vacations I likely still wouldn’t have gone anywhere. Does that make it more fair?????  He was gone 60+ days in 3 years, I was gone 3 days. 

Edited February 23 by Tap

[elegantlion]

I'm not sure mine was a "crisis." I call it reinventing my middle age. I divorced ex when the opportunity presented itself. Best decision ever. I started college with nothing but student loans. Ex had lied about our financial position and left me with less than $100, no savings, and he could not pay child support. Thank goodness for my parents who helped me from March until August when I started school. I lived in a small town and applied for all the jobs I could but not even Walmart called me in for an interview. 

A decade later, I'm me again. I don't walk on eggshells, I'm in a relationship with someone who treats me better than I ever thought possible, and I realized that the fiscal irresponsibility was ex's issue and that I am good with money. I'm still working on my PhD, I'm ABD was of 2022, took up bellydancing in 2023, and started working part-time outside of the university setting in December. I hope this job will translate into full-time once I finish my dissertation as it's the perfect job for me. 

 

[Home'scool]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I had been VERY unhappy with him for a long time. But I compartmentalized and created my own happiness with our son, family, friends, my faith, homeschooling. I would have done that until I died. But my line in the sand was other women. 

The day I made the decision to divorce him was both freeing and terrifying. I felt like the Taylor Swift lyric, ‘the bravest thing I ever did was run.’

It was definitely a crisis for me but I knew I had no choice. 

Wow. Your statement about "compartmentalizing and creating your own happiness ... and was willing to do that until you died" really resonated with me. You just don't realize you are doing that until you step back.

[SanDiegoMom]

@Tap  I couldn't imagine trying to hold down the fort with kids and medical issues and no husband because of vacation travel.  Like, my husband was always gone and there were years in there I felt like a single mom. But I didn't have to work, and he was in the military and deployed a lot.  No sting there.  Even when he had the choice to extend his deployment (circumstances were such that his replacement was not nearly as good as him and he was asked but not forced to extend) we had a long discussion about it and worked it out together. 

Now that our kids are almost out of the house, I would totally support him traveling on vacations, as he is a much greater extrovert than I am.  I enjoy time at home by myself. 🙂  

[Scarlett]

@Tap my xh did the whole thing of having all his fun without ds and me. That is not good for marital harmony for sure. 

Edited February 23 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Home'scool said:

Wow. Your statement about "compartmentalizing and creating your own happiness ... and was willing to do that until you died" really resonated with me. You just don't realize you are doing that until you step back.

I think I did realize it. I can’t imagine how horrible things would have been once ds left home. 
What I did not realize is how wonderful a good marriage can be. 

[Eos]

nvm

Edited February 25 by Eos

[Faith-manor]

I had a crisis, but it wasn't so much related to mid life as year 48 being a year that my very sick, but resistant-to-help/bull headed father tried to kill my mom and himself, failed, and all of the massive fallout of that.

Mark was beyond amazing during that time. It was so freaking hard. I had BARELY recovered- using that term loosely - from the car accident and our eldest son was just walking again when the world crashed. I would not have made it without Mark, and he walked through fire with me because he had to carry me.

With his support, I have kind of reinvented myself. I have and am pursuing new things like my deep interest in Aerospace engineering. I have a university rocket team that calls me for consultations, and I love that. I am back to doing some music performance. There aren't a lot of opportunities for that, but occasionally I dust off an evening gown and play for an audience, and it is lovely. He and I are traveling, and I am also solo traveling. As I type this, I am in Baltimore with my niece after attending QuiltCon with her. My inner circle changed drastically, narrowed significantly, and that has been a huge blessing because I was swallowing a lot of crap in order to not rock the boat with several persons. It is so freeing to have that anvil off my chest. I deconstructed from my faith, and for me, that might be the very best journey. My faith was, for me, very destructive and anxiety causing.

So it was absolutely a crisis. But not the stereotypical kind. It had a devastating catalyst, a living hell, and I am just profoundly lucky, blessed, fortunate, whatever you want to call it, to have come out the other side in a really good place.

Here's hoping no covid. We N95 masked at the above event, but who knows if that is enough. Both of us really needed to not only get together but have some fun, be around some humans beyond our inner circle. Fingers crossed we won't end up regretting that.

[KungFuPanda]

I’m currently living in a state of profound grief. I’m not sure I’d register a midlife crisis if it landed now. I’ve compartmentalized things to the point where I’m productive at work, enjoy my grandson, and interact somewhat normally with my husband, but it’s exhausting and I don’t get much else done. Today I watched tv ALL day and accomplished nothing. Some days my screen time on my phone can reach 7 hours. My dishwasher gets swapped out and I have clean clothes, but I’m definitely floating through with minimal effort. 
 

I was a high energy person so I haven’t really mastered how to get things done when I’m feeling lethargic. I never bothered. I  just waited for a burst of energy that was always around the corner.  I’m also realizing that a lot of my productivity was habit-stacked around my DS’s physical care so I’m a bit rudderless.  I’m satisfied to hibernate for a season or two and figure it out later. I imagine longer days and warmer weather will help a bit. 

Edited February 26 by KungFuPanda

[Corraleno]

15 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m currently living in a state of profound grief. I’m not sure I’d register a midlife crisis if it landed now. I’ve compartmentalized things to the point where I’m productive at work, enjoy my grandson, and interact somewhat normally with my husband, but it’s exhausting and I don’t get much else done. Today I watched tv ALL day and accomplished nothing. Some days my screen time on my phone can reach 7 hours. My dishwasher gets swapped out and I have clean clothes, but I’m definitely floating through with minimal effort. 
 

I was a high energy person so I haven’t really mastered how to get things done when I’m feeling lethargic. I never bothered. I  just waited for a burst of energy that was always around the corner.  I’m also realizing that a lot of my productivity was habit-stacked around my DS’s physical care so I’m a bit rudderless.  I’m satisfied to hibernate for a season or two and figure it out later. I imagine longer days and warmer weather will help a bit. 

Sending you lots of love and hugs, Panda

[Faith-manor]

34 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m currently living in a state of profound grief. I’m not sure I’d register a midlife crisis if it landed now. I’ve compartmentalized things to the point where I’m productive at work, enjoy my grandson, and interact somewhat normally with my husband, but it’s exhausting and I don’t get much else done. Today I watched tv ALL day and accomplished nothing. Some days my screen time on my phone can reach 7 hours. My dishwasher gets swapped out and I have clean clothes, but I’m definitely floating through with minimal effort. 
 

I was a high energy person so I haven’t really mastered how to get things done when I’m feeling lethargic. I never bothered. I  just waited for a burst of energy that was always around the corner.  I’m also realizing that a lot of my productivity was habit-stacked around my DS’s physical care so I’m a bit rudderless.  I’m satisfied to hibernate for a season or two and figure it out later. I imagine longer days and warmer weather will help a bit. 

Lots of love!

[Faith-manor]

On 2/22/2024 at 2:00 PM, ikslo said:

I call it mid-life action. I asked for a divorce and took back my life. 

Everyone who knew me before I met my soon-to-be ex has said the same thing: I have my smile back. Why, yes. Yes, I most certainly do.

Wasn’t about to spend the next 20-40 years like the last 10, wishing life were different. I had to make it happen. 

Acceptance and action does not always mean crisis. It just looks that way to people who don’t want to accept it. My soon-to-be ex even suggested I just needed to be medicated. So you can continue to control me? Nah, thanks anyway. The crisis would have been staying. Let society judge me for it. I’m happy again!

This resonates with me because I have a dear aunt that has been through so darn much to stay married to a husband that does not care, and will not change. She yelled at him once in front of me, "It is disgusting that I have to be medicated just to stay with you!" I wanted her to leave so hard in that moment. But she remains, and is to this day, miserable. It is heart breaking. I am so glad you got out!!

[Melissa in Australia]

3 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m currently living in a state of profound grief. I’m not sure I’d register a midlife crisis if it landed now. I’ve compartmentalized things to the point where I’m productive at work, enjoy my grandson, and interact somewhat normally with my husband, but it’s exhausting and I don’t get much else done. Today I watched tv ALL day and accomplished nothing. Some days my screen time on my phone can reach 7 hours. My dishwasher gets swapped out and I have clean clothes, but I’m definitely floating through with minimal effort. 
 

I was a high energy person so I haven’t really mastered how to get things done when I’m feeling lethargic. I never bothered. I  just waited for a burst of energy that was always around the corner.  I’m also realizing that a lot of my productivity was habit-stacked around my DS’s physical care so I’m a bit rudderless.  I’m satisfied to hibernate for a season or two and figure it out later. I imagine longer days and warmer weather will help a bit. 

Huge hugs

Sending positive thoughts

[Eos]

8 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m currently living in a state of profound grief. I’m not sure I’d register a midlife crisis if it landed now. I’ve compartmentalized things to the point where I’m productive at work, enjoy my grandson, and interact somewhat normally with my husband, but it’s exhausting and I don’t get much else done. Today I watched tv ALL day and accomplished nothing. Some days my screen time on my phone can reach 7 hours. My dishwasher gets swapped out and I have clean clothes, but I’m definitely floating through with minimal effort. 
 

I was a high energy person so I haven’t really mastered how to get things done when I’m feeling lethargic. I never bothered. I  just waited for a burst of energy that was always around the corner.  I’m also realizing that a lot of my productivity was habit-stacked around my DS’s physical care so I’m a bit rudderless.  I’m satisfied to hibernate for a season or two and figure it out later. I imagine longer days and warmer weather will help a bit. 

Hugs and hibernation peace to you. I hope warmer weather brings you some breathing room.