I haven't been able to get a call through to my grandmother. It is hard to not assume that she has blocked me.

[popmom]

No one in my FOO speaks to me since I set boundaries with my parents. My parents do not "believe in" boundaries, so this led to estrangement. Some of y'all may remember my sad first posts on this subject a couple of years ago. 

Anyway...I like to tell myself that my mother can't hurt me anymore. That isn't true. 

For some reason I have not been able to get a call through to my grandmother in a few weeks. Every time I call it immediately goes to voicemail. I have left messages, but she hasn't called me. This is very unusual. It is unheard of actually. In the past if I call--even if I don't leave a message--she sees that I have tried to call and she'll call me back, and it is usually the same day.

I have no one to call to say..."hey, have you heard from M**m**? Is everything okay?" I mean I can still technically communicate with her other children--my two aunts--but one of them isn't safe at all. The other might be, but I'm not close to her either. I have never felt comfortable with anyone on that side of the family. But we are connected on social media...

I just sit here wondering why my calls don't go through. I wasn't concerned until today. Everytime something like this has happened since I set boundaries...people have said--trying to comfort me, "oh, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. I'm sure "x" would never do that to you..." And then it turns out that the worst case came true. Some really terrible things have happened to me and my children since I set those initial boundaries a couple of years ago. My parents have sunk to lows I could have never imagined. 😞 

Last May my parents showed up on my doorstep--unannounced and uninvited. They brought flowers and feigned concern for my recently dx'ed chronic illnesses.  I could see my mother's "mask" slipping as soon as she walked in the door. I should have never let them in. I don't know what possessed me except that I was so caught off guard. It didn't end well because I wouldn’t give them what they wanted and I wouldn’t allow them to “set me straight”. I just didn’t talk. I literally said, “I can’t discuss this with you right now.” That’s all I said. So the last thing my father said to me was, "You don't know me, and you don't know my mother!". (You would understand the context of that if you were around for my very first post on this subject. Maybe I will link it.) Except I cut him off and said, "are you f***** proud of that???" Then I showed them both the door. My mother spewed insults rapid fire as she was leaving. What an absolute fraud of a mother. And a father. What kind of father thinks he is getting over on his daughter by telling her that she doesn't ((really)) know him??? Does he want that carved on his gravestone? "My children never really knew me."

If you have read this far... thanks. I don't really expect much. I just need to process what I am feeling right now. Not being able to get in touch with my grandmother is triggering some really hard feelings. I am just trying to sit with it at the moment. Trying not to think the worst. I have been doing really well. But my parents have shown in the past that they will do the most horrible things to punish me and my children for "how we have treated them". They have forced my grandmother to withhold Christmas gifts from me and my kids who chose not to attend their Christmas gathering. Not my grandmother's Xmas gathering--my parents'. But my grandmother gives money to everyone at Christmas, and they had her withhold those gifts (funds) from my kids who didn't feel comfortable going to my parents' house for the get together. None of us care about the money or gifts. It is the idea that my parents are strong arming my grandmother into punishing us on their behalf. She is in her 90's. 😞 

I hope to be able to report that I was worried about nothing. I hope that there is a totally rational explanation for why her landline phone hasn't worked for over 2 weeks. This isn't as much about the rational explanations as it is about that my parents still have this ability to hurt me. That is what I am working through right now. 

How it all started

Edited November 6, 2023 by popmom

[Wishes]

Sorry popmom, this sounds really awful.

Edited November 6, 2023 by Wishes

[Scarlett]

Maybe you could call the authorities for a well check.

[Kassia]

What an awful situation, @popmom  I'm sorry.  

[popmom]

I guess I should explain that I live a couple of hours away, so I can't just pop over and knock on her door. 

If I can't get this sorted out quickly, I will drive up to where she lives and check on her. I am sure she is okay. Her one dd has been posting pics on social media of her vacation. If the absolute worst had happened to my grandmother, my aunt wouldn't be posting pics from Epcot today.

ETA: my parents would absolutely try to hide if something serious was happening. When my grandmother's husband died, they went out of their way to hide it from us. They wanted us to miss the funeral. It was one of the aunts that had mercy and texted me to let me know that he had passed. My parents were hoping to make fools of us. No one called to tell us. I knew he was gravely ill, but I was hesitant to call my grandmother knowing how tired and stressed she was. So I was relying on someone else to give us updates. Which didn't happen. My parents really thought that we wouldn't find out that he had died. They were surprised to see us at the funeral. My father just said., "Well, well, well...look who showed up." My kids were heartbroken. It really shattered them that their grandparents could do something so horrible. 

Edited November 6, 2023 by popmom

[Rosie_0801]

I agree with Scarlett. Call for a wellness check.

[popmom]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I agree with Scarlett. Call for a wellness check.

I can do that. I will for sure if I can't get this sorted out very soon.

The thing is that my "unsafe" aunt lives right next door to her. She eats dinner with my grandmother nearly every day. That is why I am not so much concerned that she is not being taken care of--or that something bad has happened. Maybe something bad ((has)) happened, but it's not like she isn't being looked after. It is just that I might be deliberately left out of the loop. if that makes sense. So I'm left wondering. I can guarantee that the rest of the extended family has been in contact with her. There is NO WAY her daughters would go more than a day without being able to contact her.

Sorry. It's hard to give the complete pic of the situation. 😕

Edited November 6, 2023 by popmom

[popmom]

My parents do not know my son in law's phone number. So our plan is that if I cannot get a call through tomorrow, my dd will try to call on her husband's phone. Since no one has his contact info, they couldn't have blocked him on her phone. 

This all sounds so dramatic. I am not a drama person. I promise. I hate all of this. I just want to hear my grandmother's voice. I just want to talk gardens and weather and what's happening at "senior meeting" at church. 💕 Bonus would be that she hasn't been poisoned by my mother to hate me.  

[Shoeless]

20 minutes ago, popmom said:

ETA: my parents would absolutely try to hide if something serious was happening. When my grandmother's husband died, they went out of their way to hide it from us. They wanted us to miss the funeral. It was one of the aunts that had mercy and texted me to let me know that he had passed. My parents were hoping to make fools of us. No one called to tell us. I knew he was gravely ill, but I was hesitant to call my grandmother knowing how tired and stressed she was. So I was relying on someone else to give us updates. Which didn't happen. My parents really thought that we wouldn't find out that he had died. They were surprised to see us at the funeral. My father just said., "Well, well, well...look who showed up." My kids were heartbroken. It really shattered them that their grandparents could do something so horrible. 

I'm so sorry. 

My mother has done this to me as well. Solidarity. ❤️ 

[popmom]

I need to get back into counseling. My first, amazing counselor didn't file insurance. I paid out of pocket for a year and a half, and I had to stop. She even felt like I needed more specialized care than what she was qualified to do. She wanted me to see someone who specialized in Internal Family Systems. So my goal is to find someone who can do that AND files my insurance. This situation just highights that I still need that support.

Thanks for giving me space to share. I feel calm enough to go to sleep now. 

Edited November 6, 2023 by popmom

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

I need to get back into counseling. My first, amazing counselor didn't file insurance. I paid out of pocket for a year and a half, and I had to stop. She even felt like I needed more specialized care than what she was qualified to do. She wanted me to see someone who specialized in Internal Family Systems. So my goal is to find someone who can do that AND files my insurance. This situation just highights that I still need that support.

Thanks for giving me space to share. I feel calm enough to go to sleep now. 

This place was very important to me when I was working through big family issues. Sometimes, I think it helped more than therapy. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share with us. ❤️ 

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, popmom said:

 

This all sounds so dramatic. I am not a drama person. I promise. I hate all of this. I just want to hear my grandmother's voice. I just want to talk gardens and weather and what's happening at "senior meeting" at church. 💕 Bonus would be that she hasn't been poisoned by my mother to hate me.  

It does not sound dramatic.  It sounds heartbreaking for you and your family.  Again, I am very sorry.  I come from a very dysfunctional and toxic family so I do understand.  Sending hugs and hoping that you are sleeping well now.

[Indigo Blue]

I hope it isn’t the case that your grandmother is blocking you. If she is, I’m sure you know that this is the way it goes with family that has these dynamics going on and you try to set boundaries. I have not experienced this in my toxic family, but I’m very aware that if I did, my mom would rally people against me. This can be so very painful, with very few people on your side who get it. It’s so great you have had therapy and will continue it if needed. 
 

Speaking of “fraud” parents, I was absolutely floored when my mom turned on her granddaughter when something happened between them. My mom was vicious in my ear about her behind her back. She had been the golden granddaughter since birth. She called other family members and turned them against her. She said the most awful things. They’d had years and years of a “good” relationship. What looked like a special bond. I just couldn’t believe that my mom couldn’t/wouldn’t talk things out with her granddaughter and try to mend things. Granddaughter no longer comes around much and visits. Mom just puts her down. It’s is beyond ridiculous and sad, but her granddaughter is really very much better off not having a relationship with a grandmother like that. 
 

Even if she isn’t blocking you, it’s sad that you have to sit and wonder that she might be.  That that’s where things are. So many people just don’t understand. Nothing is ever their fault, and you literally have to show up for yourself and be your own pillar of strength. You have a right to be free from this and to protect yourself. 
 

You are doing all the right things. I hope you stay strong, and I hope you find good support. 

[Katy]

It could very well be that you’re grandmother isn’t aware that someone else blocked you after they helped her with her phone in some other way. 

[Faith-manor]

I am so sorry, Pop! Your parents are nasty people. I have come to understand never underestimate the low that nasty, controlling people will go. They have a game of limbo going on in their head, and regular, decent people can never imagine just how bar the low is set because they themselves would never stoop to it. Many hugs from me to you.

I think Katy is right too. They could have easily blocked your number on grandma's phone without her knowing it.

[Innisfree]

I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly painful. I hope she’s okay, you can get through to her, and she hasn’t tried to block you. Sending hugs in the meantime.

[Amoret]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Edited November 6, 2023 by Amoret

[saraha]

Hugs for you @popmom

[Catwoman]

I don’t have any experience with anything like this, and I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m sending lots of hugs and support.

[Spryte]

I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you, and with you. Solidarity.

[EKS]

If your grandmother is in her 90s, is she savvy enough with a cell phone to block you or is it possible that one of your parents blocked you on your grandmother's phone?  If not, it sounds like her phone is either off intentionally or hasn't been charged and is off because of that.  If it's only a couple of hours to her house, I'd strongly consider going over there.

[popmom]

6 hours ago, Shoeless said:

This place was very important to me when I was working through big family issues. Sometimes, I think it helped more than therapy. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share with us. ❤️ 

Thank you. It definitely helped last night.

Really appreciate all of you for being here. 

[popmom]

19 minutes ago, EKS said:

If your grandmother is in her 90s, is she savvy enough with a cell phone to block you or is it possible that one of your parents blocked you on your grandmother's phone?  If not, it sounds like her phone is either off intentionally or hasn't been charged and is off because of that.  If it's only a couple of hours to her house, I'd strongly consider going over there.

She only has a landline, so it’s not dead. I wasn’t sure at first, but there is a pretty easy way to block numbers on a landline. I’m still holding out hope for another explanation. 
 

She’s pretty savvy, but I’m not sure that she’s ((that)) savvy. I could totally see one of my parents doing it without her even knowing.
 

I agree with you. I may drive up there this afternoon if I’m feeling okay (physically).

Edited November 6, 2023 by popmom

[Pam in CT]

(( I'm so sorry. ))

 

I don't know from phones, but I can imagine a number of reasons why even landline calls might go straight to voicemail -- the handheld battery is dead, the power is out, the phone is purposely or unintentionally unplugged., the phone is broken but she doesn't know it yet.. I know it's so hard when everything is so jagged, but try not to leap to a conclusion about your grandmother that's primed by your difficulties with someone else.

(( hugs ))

[gardenmom5]

Blocking doesn't stop someone from calling out.

It could be they pressured her to block you
it could be someone got ahold of her phone - and blocked you

it could be she accidently blocked you - I have to search dh's phone every so often because he will accidently block clients (and others).  Makes him super frustrated as he doesn't do it deliberately, and doesn't even know how to deliberately block someone.  (I'm teaching him how to search and unblock himself)

it could be her phone's battery is dead, and no one has charged the phone - especially if her other daughter lives next door.

[Carol in Cal.]

4 hours ago, Katy said:

It could very well be that you’re grandmother isn’t aware that someone else blocked you after they helped her with her phone in some other way. 

I was thinking this, too.   Especially since the aunt lives right next door and is in and out so much.

[Faith-manor]

38 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I was thinking this, too.   Especially since the aunt lives right next door and is in and out so much.

Absolutely. I am no contact essentially with my brother's wife because she is a dangerous person. But I maintain phone contact with him so he can stay informed on issues with our mother. I had a period of a couple weeks when I couldn't get a hold of him. He road his bike by our place one day so I hailed him down. When I told him I had had to get mom to the ER with a blood pressure issue the week before but couldn't get a hold of him, he pulled out his cell phone and sure enough my number had been blocked. He didn't do it. We both know his wife did it though he made excuses.

So I really think if Pop's number is blocked, it isn't because grandma did it.

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, popmom said:

My parents do not know my son in law's phone number. So our plan is that if I cannot get a call through tomorrow, my dd will try to call on her husband's phone. Since no one has his contact info, they couldn't have blocked him on her phone. 

Where I am, there are some pay phones near to libraries and city halls. Also, if your daughter or son-in-law have an office number, outgoing calls would show the main operator line number. 

[Heartstrings]

6 hours ago, Katy said:

It could very well be that you’re grandmother isn’t aware that someone else blocked you after they helped her with her phone in some other way. 

This was my thought as well.  The grandmother may have no idea. 

[Melissa in Australia]

If the phone is a landline it could d be as simple as she hasn't hung up the phone properly.. My mil, aged 101 does this regularly. As she is blind she can't see she hasn't hung up the phone. She is in a retirement village and usually someone notices the phone isn't hung up properly within a day or so. But I could  easily see an elderly person living at home not noticing the phone not hung up for days. 

[popmom]

So I drove up today. 
 

I stopped to go to the bathroom, and I tried to call one last time. This time it didn’t go to voicemail. But it didn’t ring either. I listened for a few seconds and my father said, “Hello?” 
 

I said,” can I speak to M**m**?”

He said, “Is this Mi**y?” (That’s my cousin.)

I said, “no, it’s M****.”

He said, “This is not M**m**’s number anymore. I gotta go.”

Click.

I drove to her house and no one is home. My aunt’s car is parked at her house Nextdoor. I’m too chicken to go to her door. Feeling very…I don’t know…destabilized. 

I sent a message on social media to my cousin. No response yet. 
 

Is this even real? I cannot explain how twilight zone this all feels right now. 

[WildflowerMom]

It is absolutely bizarre.  It feels so weird, because as a good mom, you know you could never act like that with your own kids.   It’s just so far outside your wheelhouse to behave like that.   I’m sorry.   I would probably just hang it up, but it’s pretty easy for me to cut people off.   Weirdly enough, I got that from my own grandmother probably.     Hugs, and prayers that whatever you choose to do goes well.  

[Arcadia]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I would probably just hang it up, but it’s pretty easy for me to cut people off.

I can easily cut people off too but in OP's situation, her parents are denying her access to her grandma out of spite. My in-laws can behave similar by withholding info but FIL's sisters are nice so my husband have lots of "backdoors" to get info.

[popmom]

My aunt responded. She was in the hospital and is now in assisted living. I got her new number and her room number in the assisted living facility. I’m going there right now. This had to have happened very recently 

[popmom]

My parents must have had the number forwarded to them. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Faith-manor]

I am glad you got to the bottom of it, and will be able to see your grandma.

Your parents...phew....piece of work doesn't even describe them.

[EKS]

22 minutes ago, popmom said:

My aunt responded. She was in the hospital and is now in assisted living. I got her new number and her room number in the assisted living facility. I’m going there right now. This had to have happened very recently 

I'm glad you have answers (and that she's ok!), and I'm so sorry that your parents are behaving this way.

[kathyl]

That took a lot of courage to do what you did.  Calling, going there, etc.  Your parents sound so cruel.  

{{{Hugs}}}

[Kassia]

I'm so glad you know what's going on now, but am sorry about the circumstances.  

[Pam in CT]

Seconding @kathyl re courage.

I'm glad you sorted out (at least some of) what's going on with your grandmother; and that it wasn't what you feared. I hope the visit goes OK and you're able to feel (at least some) peace of mind.

[Spryte]

You are brave. Bravo!

Hoping you have a good visit with your grandmother.

[Katy]

I’m so sorry no one told you. What immature jerks. 

[maize]

A parent acting this spitefully towards their own child is so hard to even imagine. You're doing well to make sure this kind of nonsense stops at your generation.

[popmom]

We had a really good visit. It is a very nice facility. She has already made some friends. She has no complaints. That makes me feel good about it. Her church even sends a van to pick up for senior meeting! 💕
 

Afterward, I was feeling sad, so I drove into town to the old cemetery where my maternal grandparents were laid to rest. It was really comforting because that part of town will never change. Most of it is a designated historic district. I drove past the house my grandparents built when they were young, and it looks exactly the same. My grandfather’s grocery store on the corner was converted to a house a long time ago, and someone just redid it. They really did a good job. That made my heart happy. Huntsville has changed so much. It is jarring to drive around Madison seeing what was once all family farms—now sprawling suburbia. So it was nice to go back to Maple Hill and spend some time. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find my family’s plots, but I drove right to it. It’s been 2 years since I was there last. I know the trees. That’s how I found them. 💕 

Thank you for helping through a crazy day. I’m still sad. And really drained. And definitely dehydrated. So I’m stopping for water and then heading home. 

[Corraleno]

I'm so glad you had such a nice visit with your grandmother, and that she's in a good place! That's probably the best resolution you could have hoped for in this situation. And I'm so sorry your parents are such toxic jerks.

[scholastica]

I am so sorry for the way your parents are treating you. And your poor grandmother being used as a pawn! I’m so glad you went and she’ll know it’s them, not you.

[popmom]

Yes…a lot of the anger/anxiety melted away when she came to the door. She was genuinely happy to see me. 
 

I will trust my intuition going forward and I’m not going to worry about being a bother to my aunts. They’ve been aloof with me for a long time due to some drama among the siblings (shocking, right?), but I can’t let that stop me. 

Edited November 7, 2023 by popmom

[Shoeless]

I'm glad you got to see her, @popmom ❤️ 

[Emba]

12 hours ago, scholastica said:

I am so sorry for the way your parents are treating you. And your poor grandmother being used as a pawn! I’m so glad you went and she’ll know it’s them, not you.

And not just a pawn. They are deliberately keeping her from seeing a granddaughter she clearly loves, during a time of precarious health. This is so needlessly cruel, not only to popmom but to her grandmother as well.