S/O What would you want? Trigger warning for funerary thoughts and references

[Eos]

Ginevra's thread has touched on something I've been thinking a lot about.  I know exactly how my mother's event will unfold in the fullness of time but unsure of my own and I'm curious how others are thinking ahead. Thank you for your thoughts and peace to all who mourn.

Edited June 20, 2023 by Eos

[Kidlit]

I'm torn on the event type.  I definitely feel it's for the living, not the dead, so I feel like the feelings of those left should weigh into it. 

[Melissa Louise]

It's not up to me what the kids do.

I've told them just to get me cremated and then sprinkle me in someone's worm farm, but they don't like the sound of that.

I can't imagine them having some big event.

I would hope it was small and met their needs, and didn't cost them a whole lot of $. I also hope that they choose good music!

[Kidlit]

I will say this--in my circle, a full-blown funeral is a given.  The board here is the only reason I'd even consider it not the norm to have one.  I had always planned to pre-plan my funeral so that my kids had no decisions to make until I began to consider they might not want one at all.  I will say that having been in on the planning of several family members' funerals, knowing their wishes has helped. (There the board goes--shifting paradigms again!)

 

[Pawz4me]

Neither DH nor I want a formal service. A small informal gathering of close family and close friends would be okay. Of course our closest survivors have the right to decide what they want to do (we certainly won't know or care), but we want them to know that they aren't obligated by our wishes to hold any sort of formal service or viewing.

I prefer either cremation/sprinkling of ashes or a green burial. I don't want any land wasted on my remains.

[SKL]

It's all about the survivors.  So part of it will depend on when I die.  I think my parents' wishes would be different from my children's wishes, and if I were married, obviously my husband's wishes would be pretty important.  My only request is that I be cremated, not buried intact.

I see the good and the bad in these events.  I feel like the few funerals I've been to have been where some of my most sincere, positive connections have happened.  I also believe that some event is helpful for closure to those most bereaved, but the range of cultural closure options is so broad, I can't say what is best for the majority.

Is it OK to have different events for different groups of mourners, kinda like people have multiple baby showers / birthday celebrations?  I haven't heard of this being done, but maybe it's not a terrible idea if the chief mourners don't want an open event.

A lot of people weren't able to have funerals in 2020-2022.  I've always wondered about the impacts of that.

[purpleowl]

I don't care what is done with my body after I die. I think I have a preference for burial over cremation, but also I don't like spending more money than is necessary, so... 😄 

I do want a service, one that is focused on glorifying God and proclaiming the gospel. Romans 5:12-21 is the text I'd like the pastor to use for the sermon. I'd like the service to include the first question & answer from the Heidelberg Catechism. I had songs picked out (our previous church asked all members to fill out a form thinking through these things), but the church we're in now doesn't do the same sort of music, so I should revisit that. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

6 minutes ago, Kidlit said:

I will say this--in my circle, a full-blown funeral is a given.  The board here is the only reason I'd even consider it not the norm to have one.  I had always planned to pre-plan my funeral so that my kids had no decisions to make until I began to consider they might not want one at all.  I will say that having been in on the planning of several family members' funerals, knowing their wishes has helped. (There the board goes--shifting paradigms again!)

 

Same here.   The churches locally don’t seem to charge for the service and many still seem to put on a funeral dinner for the family and guests.  My parents have had many friends and family members pass way over the last few years; funeral going is a big thing.  One change has been that it’s all combined in one day instead of being spread out over two or three days. So two hour viewing, service, graveside service and then dinner at the church. And done. Years ago it was calling hours one evening, funeral and graveside and dinner the next day.  

I think there’s no right or wrong way, and its going to be heavily influenced by personality and local culture.  My great grandmother died in 2010 and had a massive three day extravaganza pre planned and paid for.  My grandfather died in 2020, before Covid, and had a single day of services.  He was not religious, but the church in his tiny town, filled with relatives, still put on a funeral dinner, because that’s what the church ladies there do.   My grandmother is introverted and doesn’t want anyone looking at her, so she wants a closed casket. I don’t expect her funeral to be large, but there will still be services. I know my Mom would like all the trappings and my Dad doesn’t care at all what we do when he’s dead.  All of these people live in the same area where culture still has funerals, but different personalities influence it different ways.

All of these people i mention have either had funerals pre planned/prepaid or have a life insurance policy that will cover funeral expenses. So that plays into it too.

[Drama Llama]

If I died tomorrow, the people who would mourn me the most are Catholic and would want a full funeral mass.  I would want them to be comforted so that’s fine. I really liked that my son’s funeral was just close family due to Covid but that’s not really an option in regular times.  But since I will be dead it will be up to my loved ones to make the plans and who knows who will be seeking comfort, and what they might want.
 

I will be buried in either a casket or an urn made by monks

https://trappistcaskets.com/

in a plot that we own.  If I die before my husband my son will be moved there to be with me.  If my husband is dead he and my son will be waiting.  That is a promise I made and everyone knows I intend to keep it.

 

[regentrude]

I don't care about the type of event. That's for my kids to decide. (Except absolutely no gawking at my corpse!)

But I am very clear that I want either cremation or green burial in nature. I absolutely do not want my body to be in a marked cemetery plot that my far-away family members have to maintain and feel guilty for not visiting. 

Edited June 20, 2023 by regentrude

[ScoutTN]

12 minutes ago, purpleowl said:

I don't care what is done with my body after I die. I think I have a preference for burial over cremation, but also I don't like spending more money than is necessary, so... 😄 

I do want a service, one that is focused on glorifying God and proclaiming the gospel. Romans 5:12-21 is the text I'd like the pastor to use for the sermon. I'd like the service to include the first question & answer from the Heidelberg Catechism. I had songs picked out (our previous church asked all members to fill out a form thinking through these things), but the church we're in now doesn't do the same sort of music, so I should revisit that. 

My thoughts are similar, though I do have a preference for green burial. 

Updating all these things when we redo our wills and estate planning later this summer.

I know my mom (87 and healthy) has very specific plans made and that is a kindness to me, who will have to do it all. Not nearly as much decision-making, just implementing. 

[SKL]

TBH I don't know my parents' current wishes.  It's not an easy question to ask!

[Bambam]

My sister's friend's husband passed. He had specified no funeral event. So she didn't have anything. My sister said it seemed hard on widow because she didn't get a lot of hugs/sympathy/condolences/etc that you typically get at some sort of event (funeral, memorial service, etc). 

So when her husband passed, he also had not wanted an official service, so she did a visitation (cremation but there was a casket covered with flowers?) and many showed up to remember him. He had been well known in the community, so folks she did not know showed up to tell her about her husband and how he had helped them, etc. She said it really helped her to have that event even though her husband had not really wanted anything. 

And from the folks who had spouses die during COVID and they elected/were forced not to have funeral/memorial type events, I think some sort of fairly quick service/event/visitation/whatever is very helpful in processing the grief. 

I've told my kids the basics, cremation is fine, after that I don't really care.  Do whatever works for you. 

[Eos]

21 minutes ago, SKL said:

Is it OK to have different events for different groups of mourners

My family does this fairly often.  We are all far-flung, so typically have a low-key event where the person actually lives, then most are cremated and ashes buried with a memorial at the Quaker meetinghouse in PA where they've all been buried for many generations but where very few if any of us live anymore. 

Edited June 20, 2023 by Eos

[JustEm]

Can't answer because my answer is that I wouldn't care. I'm dead so it is on loved ones to do what they want. If I'm ever the decision maker in someone else's funeral they'll be cremated and we'll have a large party with whoever wants to attend. Unless they have paid for other arrangements in advance

[sassenach]

I want whatever my family wants. I won’t be here so it’s really up to them. 
 

Green burial would be preferred but that’s hard to find and expensive around here. Hopefully it’ll be more common by the time I go. Dh has a strong preference for not being cremated but I don’t have strong opinions. 

[Selkie]

I want to be cremated and my ashes mixed with those of my beloved dogs and scattered. I don't care about my funeral. I think my dh and kids would make it a small, family-only event, which sounds good to me.

 

[Eos]

12 minutes ago, sassenach said:

Dh has a strong preference for not being cremated

Same.  I know "I" won't be in it but I've liked this body and don't want fossil fuels to be the last thing touching it, I'd rather it be a silk wrapper, boughs, a wicker basket, earth, and mycelium.

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

Neither DH nor I want a formal service. A small informal gathering of close family and close friends would be okay. Of course our closest survivors have the right to decide what they want to do (we certainly won't know or care), but we want them to know that they aren't obligated by our wishes to hold any sort of formal service or viewing.

I prefer either cremation/sprinkling of ashes or a green burial. I don't want any land wasted on my remains.

Same. 
 

Donate whatever parts of me can be donated, cremate the rest and toss me in the ocean. Thankfully my entire family wants the same for themselves (except in laws but whatever).

Once when we were in Ireland we were sitting on a break wall by the sea when a family came along and found a quiet spot nearby. They proceeded to play some lovely Irish tunes, the patriarch said a few words and tossed his wife's remains into the Dublin Bay. The family was joyous and talkative and their dog was running around as dogs do, and the whole scene felt like out of a movie. I was torn whether we should leave to give them privacy, but when I spoke with them afterword and confessed by worry they were glad we stayed. He shared bits about her life before heading off to find some lunch. If I didn't already want something similar, that would have changed my mind for sure. It was truly one of the loveliest things I've ever witnessed.

[HomeAgain]

I want for my family to have what they need to grieve. If that means a memorial service or a party or whatever, I don't care.

They know my wishes when it comes to my body.  I want it to disappear from the earth.  I don't want to be embalmed or interred in a cemetery. I want to show respect for the living by not taking land when I can't even use it.  Dh and the kids are on board with a memorial of some sort: a stone, a bench, whatever.  But it would be somewhere accessible and non-intrusive in the environment.  I have lived my life quietly and I'd like to leave quietly.

However, I'm not going to come back and haunt anyone if they decide they really want to bury me in a cemetery and have a funeral.  Grief is a hard master and tradition is comforting.

[GoVanGogh]

Creamation with ashes planted under a tree. (I prefer green burial, but that isn’t possible where I currently live. That may change before I go.) A celebration of life at one of two places that are meaningful to me, fully catered meal, for friends and family. 

[elegantlion]

I come from a line of people who hold traditional funerals - body viewing, service, gravesite visitation, some of sort of gathering with food afterward. My mother has stated that she doesn't want a funeral, but she will be buried next to my dad. I told her to write it down because depending upon which family members are still alive, some of them will feel miffed. We'll probably have a memorial service at some point afterward. 

When my dad died, he had people come that my mom hadn't seen in 30 years. People from every season of his life showed up and it was so encouraging to my mom to see so many people who still remembered him fondly. My dad was a gentle, quiet, unassuming sort of guy. 

For me, I want a traditional funeral. I have a plot in the cemetery where my dad is buried. My SO will likely be buried next to me. The cemetery is in the country and is on a hill that looks out over farm fields. It's one of the most peaceful cemeteries I've ever visited. While there are a lot of families buried there, my own lineage can go back about 6 generations there. For me, funerals are a ritual of saying goodbye. 

SO & I recently visited a funeral home to get estimates (part of Medicaid spend down for his mom who just went in a nursing home). They had a nice workbook that you could fill out with your wishes. I can see how that would be helpful. 

 

[Pawz4me]

4 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

I have lived my life quietly and I'd like to leave quietly.

 

That short sentence sums up how DH and I think, too. We've spent our lives actively avoiding being the center of attention, we sure don't want to start when we're dead. 😉 

Edited June 20, 2023 by Pawz4me
a dog's face on my keyboard caused it to post too soon ;)

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

That short sentence sums up how DH and I think, too. We've spent out lives actively avoiding being the center of attention, we sure don't want to start when we're dead. 😉 

Same!  

[City Mouse]

I watched an interesting program once on human composting. That sound interesting to me, but it is not yet widely available.

 I don’t really care much about my own death as I won’t be around to have a vote. However, after having to deal with all the arrangements for my dad somewhat unexpectedly due to my mothers illness, I would like to have a plan for myself and DH in advance so that the kids aren’t having to make those decisions in the moment. 
 

One thing that bothers me is that I am an extreme introvert, but my DH is the exact opposite. I can imagine that after he dies, there will be people coming out of the woodwork that will want to talk to me about him and attend a service. The thought of that makes me very anxious. 

 

[DeainUSA]

All I care about is that my oldest is taken care of.  That's where the energy needs to be spent.  I want to have money aside to pay or prepay for cremation, but I could careless from there.  It all feels a bit self centered to me. I am fine with my family doing what they need to do and what is best for them to process, when the time comes. I just personally don't care to impose any requests or be a burden.  

[Kidlit]

36 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

I watched an interesting program once on human composting. That sound interesting to me, but it is not yet widely available.

 I don’t really care much about my own death as I won’t be around to have a vote. However, after having to deal with all the arrangements for my dad somewhat unexpectedly due to my mothers illness, I would like to have a plan for myself and DH in advance so that the kids aren’t having to make those decisions in the moment. 
 

 

 

I just came back to say that, thanks to this thread, I began to research green burial online and learned of conservation oriented burial grounds.  I suppose this is the same thing as human composting?  I am greatly intrigued by this. 

 

Also--the bolded is exactly where I land. I don't want my husband or children to have to make these decisions. 
 

ETA: and I do realize I contradict myself above by saying I want my family to have a say because it's actually *for* them.   This is what makes this hard!

Edited June 20, 2023 by Kidlit
Contradiction noted

[Eos]

2 hours ago, BandH said:

I will be buried in either a casket or an urn made by monks

https://trappistcaskets.com/

These are beautiful, thank you for sharing.

[Drama Llama]

1 minute ago, Eos said:

These are beautiful, thank you for sharing.

My son was ridiculously excited when we found out about these monks.  And he really liked matching.  

[fraidycat]

I prefer to be cremated or green burial.

Cremation is more readily available, so that is probably how I'll end up. It doesn't matter if they keep me on the mantel, in a closet, toss me in the river, scatter me around the world, or turn me into jewelry.

It's really up to the family what they want/need for their own grief process as far as having an event or not and whether it is big and public or small and private.

[Eos]

15 minutes ago, BandH said:

My son was ridiculously excited when we found out about these monks.  And he really liked matching.  

Wish I could double heart to this.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, SKL said:

It's all about the survivors.  So part of it will depend on when I die.  I think my parents' wishes would be different from my children's wishes, and if I were married, obviously my husband's wishes would be pretty important.  My only request is that I be cremated, not buried intact.

I see the good and the bad in these events.  I feel like the few funerals I've been to have been where some of my most sincere, positive connections have happened.  I also believe that some event is helpful for closure to those most bereaved, but the range of cultural closure options is so broad, I can't say what is best for the majority.

Is it OK to have different events for different groups of mourners, kinda like people have multiple baby showers / birthday celebrations?  I haven't heard of this being done, but maybe it's not a terrible idea if the chief mourners don't want an open event.

A lot of people weren't able to have funerals in 2020-2022.  I've always wondered about the impacts of that.

I attended many many Zoom Memorials during Covid.  I can’t even count them all. 

[City Mouse]

I watch a YouTube channel called Faces of the Forgotten where the guy goes around the country visiting cemeteries and telling stories about people buried there. He has done some episodes visiting old neglected cemeteries. I’ll leave out the detail as is might be upsetting to some, but it has reinforced my not wanting to just be buried as a body. 

[Eos]

It's interesting that we're about even between those wanting a larger event, no event, and a smaller event, but cremation with ashes placed or sprinkled outside of a cemetery is much preferred to the other burial options.  Thank you all who have responded, it's giving me food for thought on this quiet rainy day.

[rebcoola]

A large casual event and cremation with my ashes turned into fireworks

[Kidlit]

2 hours ago, City Mouse said:

I watch a YouTube channel called Faces of the Forgotten where the guy goes around the country visiting cemeteries and telling stories about people buried there. He has done some episodes visiting old neglected cemeteries. I’ll leave out the detail as is might be upsetting to some, but it has reinforced my not wanting to just be buried as a body. 

I looked this up and am interested in watching later tonight. Do you have a favorite/most interesting/one to start with?

[Shoeless]

I honestly don't care what my family does. I would prefer cremation with my ashes sprinkled at a place I used to visit as a child. But really, whatever makes the most sense for everyone else is what I want. 

[Lady Florida.]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

It's all about the survivors. 

This. And sometimes the survivors need support. When my mom died many of her friends attended her traditional service. Some were her old friends that I knew from when I was young, others were her newer friends, most of whom I hadn't met. Many of my homeschool mom friends came to support me. Dss' entire fire station shift came to support him (he thought of her as a grandma). My brother's friends and people from dh's work also came. None of them had ever met my mom but they were all there to support us and all were appreciated. A much smaller group came back to our house afterward. Only family went to the cemetery. 

Dh and I have prepaid for cremation but what happens to our ashes is up to the family. Whichever one of us goes first would follow the other's wishes. I don't care what happens to my ashes. I don't care what kind of service I have though I have specifically requested non religious (that will be easy for my non religious family to follow). I think whatever my survivors need to grieve is what will happen though my hope is they'll spend as little as possible.

Ideally I'd like a green burial but they're currently too expensive to consider. I hope the cost comes down in the future.

 

[Kidlit]

4 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

 

Ideally I'd like a green burial but they're currently too expensive to consider. I hope the cost comes down in the future.

 

I'm curious about this. I looked up a green funeral and it doesn't APPEAR to be more expensive than the whole shebang we just had for my great aunt two years ago.  (I went with my parents to make arrangements which is how I know the cost.  She didn't have anything overly elaborate--more middle of the road casket, etc.). Maybe these things vary greatly by region. 

[Tree Frog]

9 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I've told them just to get me cremated and then sprinkle me in someone's worm farm, but they don't like the sound of that

That's more or less what I've told my kids I'd like, too. I've told them I really don't care what they do with my ashes, but they can't put me on their fireplace mantle or wear me.

They don't mind the spreading of ashes because they were a part of it with both grandparents. 

[Eos]

1 hour ago, rebcoola said:

my ashes turned into fireworks

!!  Is this a thing?? 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, rebcoola said:

A large casual event and cremation with my ashes turned into fireworks

I don't know about ashes turned into fireworks after hearing the unfortunate snafus that can happen with spreading ashes at sea...

[annandatje]

Husband and I plan to donate our corpses to local university medical school.  The school cremates body after they are done with it. 

As for memorial service, family can reminisce about the good times we had or nothing at all.  Their choice.

Edited June 20, 2023 by annandatje

[Rosie_0801]

I will tell my brother and daughter to do whatever is most convenient for them. I'd prefer a green burial, but I don't know what the costs and legalities will be.

 

Ex and I sprinkled ds' ashes on my grandparents grave. He wanted half to sprinkle on his deceased father's veggie garden, but a) that will not remain in the family, b) it is not public land so I do not have access and it was the location of ds' least favourite day of his life; and c) splitting up someone's ashes feels horrible to me, somehow lacking in integrity.

[73349]

I prefer green burial, but wouldn't be bothered if cremation is more sensible for the circumstances. I object to being embalmed/open casket.

I'm not a public enough person that I think anyone would prefer I have a public funeral; small private stuff is fine.

[rebcoola]

39 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I don't know about ashes turned into fireworks after hearing the unfortunate snafus that can happen with spreading ashes at sea...

Admittedly I have not actually looked into all the details.  Just that its a thing and my family and I are super into fireworks.

[kathyl]

I don't care what they do with my corpse.  

When I was about to have major surgery (cancer), I was standing at the counter in the medical center filling out forms the day of the surgery.  Dh and some of our grown kids were there.  One question was something like 'what do we do with your body if you die?'.  I instantly said "You can have it".  Dh was shocked and tried to disagree, but I told him it would be cheaper (which should have totally thrilled him).  Dc thought it was fine to donate it to the medical center (a teaching hospital).  I told them to donate it.

Both my parents and one of my brothers have died not too long ago.  My younger brother did funerals for all 3.  Without me.  We are the last 2 of our immediate family of 5.  Fortunately, I lived far away anyway.

I only attended my father's funeral and decided that was my last funeral.  No more.  I think my brother is kind of miffed about that, and about my not going to see my mother whom he was caring for as she died of cancer.  He was trying to call me with updates a lot until I finally told him he didn't have to do that - that I would read the obit on the internet just like I did all the rest of the relatives.  I never heard from him again.

I had tried to explain to him that she would NOT have wanted me there (as my aunt, her sister, once told me "She really hates you, doesn't she.").  But he just didn't get it.  At the same time, I also told him that I didn't want anything of hers after she was gone - money, things, nothing.  He honored that.

He did try to tell me that funerals are for the living.  But that was NOT my experience at my father's funeral, so whatever.  He had plenty of people there to support him - kids, wife, friends, relatives, etc.  

All in all, it just illustrated to me the whole family dynamic in the end.  He was the Golden Child who could do no wrong and I was the Scapegoat who could do no right.  What I don't think he understood was that I 'left' our family decades ago and never looked back.  I really felt almost nothing when these people died.  He and my older brother were both crying at my father's funeral, and I was kind of like 'OK.  So, he's dead.  Such is life'.  No tears or anything.  I'm not sure how my brother thinks that would have been 'supportive' for him.  And I really don't care now and didn't care then.  He'll probably never understand.

So if dh is still alive when I die, he'll probably decide what to do with the body.  If he goes first, my kids will decide.  I have told dc, however, just to do whatever makes them happy and is cheapest. 

Edited June 20, 2023 by kathyl

[Eos]

18 minutes ago, rebcoola said:

my family and I are super into fireworks.

Same.

[Eos]

40 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

splitting up someone's ashes feels horrible to me, somehow lacking in integrity.

I'm sorry for how hard this may have been, and agree with the splitting up of ashes, though I know many people who've said they want theirs to be in multiple places.  

Edited June 20, 2023 by Eos

[TexasProud]

12 hours ago, regentrude said:

 

 I absolutely do not want my body to be in a marked cemetery plot that my far-away family members have to maintain and feel guilty for not visiting. 

Just another point of view. (Am not saying yours is wrong, just different from mine.)  Today is my dad's birthday.  So I went and brought new flowers and sat by it for a while.  I don't know, it just feels comforting to have a place to go.  My mother was cremated and her ashes are in a closet in my house (Don't ask how I ended up with this...ugghhh.  I have to wait until step-dad dies and then I am supposed to mix their ashes and throw them on a mountain in Colorado...)  I don't know... Having a marker is a place I can go... a place where her name would have been engraved and never forgotten.  There will be no place to go and really no place now...sitting by a box of ashes, not the same.

We bought the plots next to my dad because we both loved the cemetery.  You can see trees and a pond. ( You cannot see the pond in this picture, but it is back there.  Just so peaceful.