How to make the holidays merry with differing points of view?

[Tiger21]

Evidently I stumbled on to a zombie post that discussed how to say you wanted to stop exchanging gifts at the holidays.   BUT what I didn't see is any discussion or thoughts from those who DON'T want to STOP. 

Here's a view from the other side,  My SIL is pressing for the 3rd year that we don't exchange gifts this Christmas, this would be the first year that we wouldn't. It's my husband's two siblings, his parents, four kids total between everyone. It isn't a function of lack of financial means, it's actually the opposite, everyone is blessed to be able to "buy what they want if they want it."

 

The challenge is my husband and I have strong feelings, like they do about this topic, and do not agree and do not want to give silent agreement from us to her text that they will not be giving gifts this year.  We do not want to stop giving gifts, it is one of our love languages.... and we "gift shop" pretty much all year when we see things that remind us of the recipient, not off a wish list that is created just at Christmas time out of obligation.  We struggle with her saying we should all stop gift giving because we feel that saying they don't want gifts is dismissing/rejecting the person's love that shows love through giving gifts. Gifting out of love, is very difficult for the person in the family that expresses love through giving to just "stop doing." Saying you don't want them to express their love is difficult to understand. 

 

To all those in the camp of "stop exchanging gifts" feels like you are ignoring the person in the family/group that shows love through giving gifts.  Gift giving out of love, is very difficult for the person that expresses love through giving to just "stop doing."  Whether that's a MIL, SIL, parent.  We ask that you understand that like your choice to stop, it must be OK for our choice to still give without expectation of gifts in return. Respecting each other's choice must be OK, or there will be hurt and emptiness left behind for the loving gift giver.   Giving for them is not out of obligation for a holiday.  

 

ALL that said: How do we say that we say to SIL, We DO respect their choice to stop giving and do not have any expectations of gifts in return if we choose to give; in a way that they can still feel heard and respected, while still protecting our right to feel heard and respected? HELP!

 

 

 

 

 

[Tanaqui]

What sort of "love language" involves telling people that your wishes trump theirs?

[LuvToRead]

I've been trying to think of how to answer this, because I do understand and see both sides.  But I maybe can show you a different perspective. My love language is not gift giving.  Giving gifts totally stresses me out! And I also hate surprises so receiving unexpected gifts is also stressful.   You understandably feel ignored by your SIL's desire not give gifts. But your SIL may feel just as ignored with her desire to not give gifts. She deserves to be heard and respected too. Unfortunately in this situation not everyone gets what they want.  So it be may best this year just to give into your SIL.  But that doesn't mean you have to stop giving gifts altogether.  I am sure if you look around your community you may find lots of ways to give gifts.

[HomeAgain]

I think there's a convoluted idea in there that your desire to express love is worth more than their desire to receive it. Bluntly put, do you respect these people?  Do you actually love them?  That should guide your actions.

I think it's really important to honor other people's love languages to show them love, just like it's important for them to honor your love language.  Since you're not concerned about receiving anything, it makes it difficult to follow that this is your love language, but just something you do when you're not sure how to show someone else love.

 

DH and I have lived at times where every object in our home was counted and weighed, knowing we only had room for so many things in our lives.  We could not have taken home "things" from holidays because we simply didn't have the room or the desire to have them replace something else. It changed our view of gift giving and helped us find some other ways of expressing love.  When my sister was in the same position, we made tamales for her freezer.  We've given each other acts of service, exchanging skills.  We've made non-tangible things like home videos.  It is a direct way of giving someone a gift that only you can bring to the table and encourages memories being made.

[LuvToRead]

5 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

What sort of "love language" involves telling people that your wishes trump theirs?

I agree!  When it comes to love languages, you are to respect the other's love language, not your own.  Pushing your own love language onto someone else isn't the appropriate thing to do. 

[BusyMom5]

Have you considered giving them gifts all through the year instead of just at Christmas?  

For a long time my little kids were a lot to buy for- plus 6 nieces and nephews.  Kids are fun, but the adults on my side stopped exchanging gifts bc we all had kids.  I can see that changing now that some of our kids are grown.  Taking a few years off doesn't mean no gifts ever again.  

[catz]

My husband's family moved to like a yankee swap, we'd each end up with 2 gifts in the 20-30 range.  A lot of it are consumables - nice chocolates, a box full of fancy sodas, exotic teas, etc.  Also some practical items have made it - kitschy umbrellas, fun beach towels, a box full of batteries, hats and mittens, a holiday craft kit, etc.  This is a decent compromise you could propose.  It's also something really fun to do with a larger group on the holiday.

Another thing you could do if you enjoy this family is invite them for an outing, your treat.  You don't have to present it as "this is your gift".  Just invite them sometime.  Bowling and pizza. A museum and a coffee shop.  Movie night at your house.  Moving your giving to this family to intangibles that won't stress them out.

But otherwise I would find another outlet for your giving.  Sponsor a family a Christmas and shower them in your love.  That could change the course of a family's rough year.  Your SIL is telling you probably that both the act of trying to find gifts and bringing all sorts of new things into the home is stressful for her.  She may be getting pressure/stuff from the other side too and it may just feel like too much.  It definitely did for us.  I still feel like we're digging out from those years and some stuff never even got unboxed before it went out the back door.  I would respect their boundaries on this. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by catz

[ScoutTN]

@Tiger21 I noticed you are new here. What brings you to these boards? Are you homeschooling your children? 

Edited November 15, 2022 by ScoutTN

[plansrme]

I don't know what the answer is, but I would struggle with this as well. I love giving gifts, and I love receiving gifts. Gifts is not my love language. My love language is probably quality time, and a well-considered gift is quality time because of the time that someone put into selecting it, researching it, earning money to pay for it, wrapping it, delivering it, thinking about me when she selected it, just completing the task. I think your position is every bit as valid as your MIL's, and as long as you don't expect reciprocation (which you don't seem to), I would just try to find a gift genre that looks like a gift to you but maybe does not to them. Food? Wine? Gifts for the kids but not the adults?

Maybe your MIL would be amenable to going to family gifts. That is what we've done with my brother and his family. Last year, for instance, I gave them a fire pit and accessories for it, and it brought me so much joy to research it, hike to the middle of nowhere to pick it up, select accessories, and struggle to wrap it. I hope they liked it; they seemed to! 

[pinball]

@Tiger21

prepare yourself. 
 

very few people will see you POV

 

this board is not “holiday-positive” in general. Too much baggage for people. And in particular, some people are anti-gift receiving.

[HomeAgain]

Just now, pinball said:

 

this board is not “holiday-positive” in general. Too much baggage for people. And in particular, some people are anti-gift receiving.

Disclaimer:

The opinions of a single poster and lack of factual basis does not in any way reflect an entire group of diverse people, nor should such statements be given weight beyond that of a passing glance.

[KSera]

4 minutes ago, pinball said:

this board is not “holiday-positive” in general.

I’m super holiday positive and love gift giving. A feeling that seems to be shared by many on this forum given the multiple Christmas and gift threads already. 
 

I agree that you shouldnt force your love language on someone else just because you like it, if they don’t. I am typically very affectionate with my kids. One of my kids hates to be hugged now that she’s grown. It pains me not to be able to hug her when she’s upset or sad, but I know she doesn’t like it, so I don’t. I will sometimes tell her that, that I’d like to give her a hug, but I will refrain since she doesn’t like it. The gift giving is similar. 
 

Could you give a gift to a charity they support? Or just bake a holiday treat for them—would that be seen as over the line?

[Clemsondana]

We're in a related situation because everybody, including my teens, doesn't really want more stuff.  Everybody is at the point where receiving gifts is stressful because it means that we need to then go find something to get rid of to make a place for the new gift.  Could this be the case for your relatives? As a family, we deal with this by gifting consumables or getting nicer versions of things that need to be replaced (armichillo underwear from Duluth Trading Company, for instance, to replace the hanes as they wear out).  I still have to do some replacing of outgrown things, but that's slowed down a lot for the kids.  

One thing that I started doing years ago for my extended family once the cousins got married and had their own kids and the numbers got so big that nobody could buy for the crowd any more, was a yearly family letter.  This isn't the 'update Christmas card' letter - it's musings on family memories and traditions.  I do one for each side of my family, although sometimes there are common parts.  One year I got busy and didn't have one to hand out at the family gathering and an aunt asked where it was - she said that she saved it for Christmas day because it was one of her favorite traditions.  These are sometimes accompanied with a homemade food gift, and some years I give a bought thing that fits the theme - a nice ice cream scoop if the memories include homemade ice cream, for instance.  Is there anything similar that could maybe let you give a gift, but in a smaller way that wouldn't be overwhelming?  Or could you shift to only giving gifts to the younger generation - kids who are still growing and need new stuff, or young adults who are still broke students or are setting up house or having kids or other expensive life events?  I have some more distant cousins who chose to gift to charity, and on Christmas they shared what they had done.  We've done that with older relatives who don't want stuff and have enjoyed choosing causes that are important to them - supporting a school for a retired teacher, for instance.  Instead of just giving you could choose to shop for and donate to a group if shopping is something that you enjoy.  

Edited to ask: Have numbers grown to make numbers challenging?  When I was a kid, on mom's side she had a sibling who had 3 kids, so 5 grandkids total.  Now, 3 are married with 2 kids/couple.  On dad's side, he has 4 siblings.  When I was a kid, there were 4 grandkids for years, and then 4 more when the younger group was born...and then another added as an adult step-child.  And then many of us got married and had kids, and my kids' generation would have another 8 kids in it...if we bought for everybody, even every family, it would be many gifts, both to give and to receive.  A bag homemade candy for each family with kids and a pound cake for my aunts/uncles on one side and for my cousins on the other (different relationships with different sides) is manageable, both to give and receive.  Some give a family gift card to the movies or a fruit box, but individual gifts are too much.  But, a couple of people still shop, and if they want to, nobody tells them not to..  

Edited November 15, 2022 by Clemsondana

[pinball]

20 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Disclaimer:

The opinions of a single poster and lack of factual basis does not in any way reflect an entire group of diverse people, nor should such statements be given weight beyond that of a passing glance.

Preach it

[pinball]

37 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

@Tiger21 I noticed you are new here. What brings you to these boards? Are you homeschooling your children? 

It looks like she wants to get some feedback regarding gift giving at Christmas 

🎅🤶🧑‍🎄🎄🎅🤶🧑‍🎄🎄

this is a public board, and it comes up for people in searches

[lmrich]

Do the yankee swap - so fun. And if you see a gift that reminds you of a loved one, buy it and send it to them. 

Spend Christmas day playing a game or making cookies... there is so much to do besides opening presents😊 (my family still exchanges way too many  presents and it is stressful but my mom loves it so we keep it up for her)

[Spryte]

I love the holidays — we are very tradition oriented, and gift giving is very enjoyable for our family, but we would respect anyone’s desire to stop exchanging gifts.

Most of us have more than one love language (according to the original author), and aren’t we supposed to attempt to tune our language to their receivers? So what is your IL’s love language? If it’s not gift giving, what is it? As your gift to them, pay close attention and figure it out. Maybe it’s time together, or acts of service? So many ways to make beautiful memories.

If you “gift shop” all year, then why wait for the holidays? Make any day a holiday, and give your IL’s family little gifts as you find them, when you see them.

[pinball]

22 minutes ago, KSera said:

I’m super holiday positive and love gift giving. A feeling that seems to be shared by many on this forum given the multiple Christmas and gift threads already. 
 

I agree that you shouldnt force your love language on someone else just because you like it, if they don’t. I am typically very affectionate with my kids. One of my kids hates to be hugged now that she’s grown. It pains me not to be able to hug her when she’s upset or sad, but I know she doesn’t like it, so I don’t. I will sometimes tell her that, that I’d like to give her a hug, but I will refrain since she doesn’t like it. The gift giving is similar. 
 

Could you give a gift to a charity they support? Or just bake a holiday treat for them—would that be seen as over the line?

You cut out a  pertinent part of my post…anti gift RECEIVING

[bolt.]

I think there may be some easy compromises here:

The first step would be to communicate -- well and softly -- how you feel, and how you hope to make things work out for everyone. Just ask. Maybe something like, "I understand that gift giving isn't feeling positive to everyone right now. I'm in love with giving all of you gifts, and I'm hoping there might be some flexibility for me to be myself without stepping on other people's toes. Is it the gift-buying that bothers people? Would it maybe be okay if I just give some small gifts without expecting anything in return, just because it makes me happy? Is it the gift-getting that bothers people? Are there ways I could make better choices of what to give (maybe experiences or consumable items?) that don't end up becoming unwanted objects in people's lives? I hope we can find a compromise that suits everyone's personality here. I'd hate to lose the 'joy of giving' from my holiday season, but I understand that not everyone has a 'joy of getting'. Maybe we can get creative and meet each other half-way."

You may be surprised if everyone just says, "No problem. You do you. Just don't expect anything from us."

The other option would be to become someone who shows up with small gifts at other occasions throughout the year. Spread it out, and don't over-burden the holidays. People may be more open to a small 'thinking of you' gift at other times. Maybe with less fanfare (no wrapping, maybe?) just a sense that, "I saw this while I was shopping last week and I thought of you!"

[Lecka]

I don’t think it’s clear if it’s a situation where some people involved don’t want to buy gifts, or if they think everyone is too old to have a “gift opening time,” or if they actively do not want to receive gifts.  Edit:  or if they have a different vision for this gathering

 

For the first two, I think there could be some compromise.

 

For the last, I think you should respect their wishes

 

I don’t think it’s known, either, what others think.  Is this one couple being unilateral or is it what others want.

 

Are other people involved doing their own separate holiday event, and don’t want “this” holiday event to go this way.

 

I have been in situations where it’s very awkward to want to get x person 1 gift, and then you end up at 3 “gift exchange events,” and you either buy 2 filler gifts or awkwardly don’t have a gift for person x, and maybe this contributes to an awkward gift imbalance between person x and person y.

 

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Lecka

[catz]

The thing is that it's very possible to enjoy the holidays without loving every trimming that someone else enjoys.  It's not personal if someone else enjoys baking or get togethers or sledding as a family over a gift exchange. 

I actually think the yankee swap with my husband's family is WAY more fun and engaging with a group of not very social people that mostly just sit quietly for hours and look at each other when I'm present than a traditional gift exchange.

My husband's family gift exchange involved another 8-16 gifts in and out of the house.  It was just A LOT going both ways.  Some gifts were thoughtful but many were not.  

[Tiger21]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

What sort of "love language" involves telling people that your wishes trump theirs?

But that's what you're saying when you tell a gift giver that they can't love you by giving gifts.  Your love language is more important than theirs.  It's a vicious circle of feeling unloved.      

 

AND FOR THE RECORD, I did say we were GOOD with not receiving gifts if that's not how they give love,  we understand they give love as "time" even if that isn't how we receive love.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

You can’t force someone to do traditions your way. Or perhaps you could, but they won’t think kindly towards you for being forced. 
 

You don’t really know why someone might want to bow out of gift giving. But do you really want to force them to give to you?  
 

Anyone can give me a gift. And yes, I will accept it graciously. But no one can force me to keep it if I am trying to minimalize all the stuff that surrounds me. (And as I get older I have more than enough “stuff “)

 I agree that a “love language “ that ignores what the recipient really wants is not love. I’m not sure what it is- showing off your shopping prowess?  
 

There are angel trees and other places where people are begging for gifts. 

[Corraleno]

22 minutes ago, Tiger21 said:

But that's what you're saying when you tell a gift giver that they can't love you by giving gifts.  Your love language is more important than theirs.  It's a vicious circle of feeling unloved.      

The whole point of a gift is to make the recipient feel loved. If your "gift" makes the recipient uncomfortable and feel like their wishes have been disregarded, that is not a gift; it's a performance designed to make you feel good, not the recipient. That's self-centered, not selfless, and it's the polar opposite of what gift-giving is supposed to be about. If the only way you feel you can "show love" is by doing something the loved one explicitly doesn't want you to do, then I think you need to think hard about why that is.

If you want to give gifts, please give them to people who really want them. As others have mentioned, there are charities and angel trees that can provide you with the names of families for whom your gifts could be transformative. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Corraleno

[happi duck]

13 minutes ago, Tiger21 said:

But that's what you're saying when you tell a gift giver that they can't love you by giving gifts.  Your love language is more important than theirs.  It's a vicious circle of feeling unloved.      

 

AND FOR THE RECORD, I did say we were GOOD with not receiving gifts if that's not how they give love,  we understand they give love as "time" even if that isn't how we receive love.  

Maybe a love language spin-off would be useful but like others have said, the love language concept is about expressing love in the *other* person's language.

The touch example is a good one. We don't force touch on people, correct?

[kristin0713]

If you really want to do this, don't do it at Christmas. It is the only way to actually show love to these people through your gift giving. Otherwise, it does not feel loving to them. It comes across as you disregarding their  feelings on the matter which is not loving. So what I would suggest is, when you see something during the year that you think SIL would love, just buy it and give it to her. I would say, "I saw this and I really wanted to get it for you because I thought you would love it."  

Gift giving can be very stressful and can feel forced to a lot of people. Receiving can be just as stressful if you are a minimalist or trying to live life with less stuff. 

[Moonhawk]

Okay, so if you are hosting: can you plan a few table games (like, games during Christmas dinner) where everyone has a clue taped under their chair, or "pick a number", or "tell a story", where the prizes are the presents you would have given them? That way you can still give them gifts that are well thought out to mostly the right person (unless BIL is some type of game genius and gets them all, lol, but you can do 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc). We play table games during all holiday meals, and our prizes are more generic so we don't need to make sure a certain person gets them, but with a little tweaking I'm sure you could make it work. Or they could exchange later if they like.

Otherwise, I would start doing random gifts throughout the year, if you need to gift. The holidays may just be too fraught with other connotations to really compromise around.

I'm a gifts person through and through: giving, receiving, more receiving... I cannot go into politics because I am so completely bribable. lol

I understand it is hard to want to express my feelings this way when it is obviously not how the person will "receive" the gift. Because they aren't receiving love, they are receiving clutter (to my person). So, I only buy them things that are functional, but I still have to adjust my actions to meet their needs. My love language of gifts isn't about me, it's about them, otherwise I'm not expressing love. IDK if that makes sense.

 

[happi duck]

I love giving and getting gifts!  Our extended family has great fun with the gift game played with real gifts not gag gifts.

I'm another vote for you can give gifts other times and create some other sort of tradition when you gather.

 

[JustEm]

I love the holidays. Love giving gifts and love getting gifts.  However, in my opinion love languages isn't about what you want.  People should strive to show love using the love languages of the people they are showing love to. 

If I hate receiving gifts and my husband keeps giving me gifts as a sign of love, is he really doing it for me or to satisfy his own urge.  If what I love are acts of service but he keeps showing me love through giving gifts, then he isn't actually showing me love? Especially, if I have mention year after year that I do not find value in gifts and it doesn't make me feel loved to receive them.

[regentrude]

For those who suggest simply giving gifts at other times: did they say it's only *Christmas * gifts they don't want, or do they generally not want any additional stuff aka clutter in their house?

Because if it's the latter, it's not cool to bring unwanted things into a person's home against their express wishes, just because it's fun for you. That doesn't feel loving, it feels like being disrespected.

Edited November 15, 2022 by regentrude

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, Tiger21 said:

To all those in the camp of "stop exchanging gifts" feels like you are ignoring the person in the family/group that shows love through giving gifts.  Gift giving out of love, is very difficult for the person that expresses love through giving to just "stop doing."

I hear this, but here's a side to what SIL in law might be thinking. What are you expecting the person who doesn't want gifts in the first place to do with your gift. Kind of genuine question because this is the reason I'd rather say no gifts. I don't care about having to reciprocate I don't want the things.

I feel trapped when I receive these gifts. Can I just graciously accept and then turn around and donate/get rid of it? Do I have to display it around my home/wear it for a while to show my appreciation of the the gift? What do you all expect gift recipients to do with your gift?

I mean gift givers, I seriously have areas (cabinets/tupperware/etc.) where I am storing your gifts because your relationship is important to me but I didn't like or want the super thoughtful gift you gave me. I am only speaking of the actual super thoughtful gifts where I totally see they thought of me when they bought the thing, but I have to be honest (since none of you all have ever given me gifts) probably something like 1-in-20 spontaneous thoughtful gifts is something I truly want. 

[happi duck]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

For those who suggest simply giving gifts at other times: did they say it's only *Christmas * gifts they don't want, or do they generally not want any additional stuff in their house?

Because if it's the latter, it's not cool to bring unwanted things into a person's home against their express wishes, just because it's fun for you.

Good point!  I just assumed it was specifically regarding Christmas.

[kristin0713]

3 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I hear this, but here's a side to what SIL in law might be thinking. What are you expecting the person who doesn't want gifts in the first place to do with your gift. Kind of genuine question because this is the reason I'd rather say no gifts. I don't care about having to reciprocate I don't want the things.

I feel trapped when I receive these gifts. Can I just graciously accept and then turn around and donate/get rid of it? Do I have to display it around my home/wear it for a while to show my appreciation of the the gift? What do you all expect gift recipients to do with your gift?

I mean gift givers, I seriously have areas (cabinets/tupperware/etc.) where I am storing your gifts because your relationship is important to me but I didn't like or want the super thoughtful gift you gave me. I am only speaking of the actual super thoughtful gifts where I totally see they thought of me when they bought the thing, but I have to be honest (since none of you all have ever given me gifts) probably something like 1-in-20 spontaneous thoughtful gifts is something I truly want. 

Such great points. I donate a LOT of stuff. I don't feel bad anymore. I really hate it when people give me things for the house because I am very particular about what I display.  

[Catwoman]

@Tiger21 Just to clarify – – is your SIL trying to prevent the entire family from exchanging gifts at Christmas, or does she simply want to opt out for herself and her dh, but the rest of the family will still be exchanging gifts? 

If she wants to opt out for herself and her DH, that’s one thing, but if she wants to make the decision for the entire extended family, I don’t think she gets to do that unless the rest of the family is onboard with it. 

[Clemsondana]

I mentioned in another post one reason that they might be backing off of gift-giving.  Not knowing the ages of the people involved, I'll add another one.  My kids never really had a 'magical Christmas' at home since they were toddlers.  My kids were always home on Christmas day, but we had done gift exchanges with other family members in the weeks prior, and there were also Christmas day grandparent gifts.  There is literally nothing that we could, or would, do that wouldn't be overwhelmed by gifts from 8-10 other people.  Against the backdrop of a ton of family gifts, the gifts from Sana and us were just 'more stuff', although we did get to enjoy a bit of anticipation.  Even as elementary school kids, they found it overwhelming.  There have been times when we just sorted through gifts and went straight to donate without even taking it out of the packaging, and the kids seemed relieved.  

I know that this is a first world problem and in one sense it is a blessing to be in a situation where we aren't worrying about not having enough, much less extras.  We are appreciative of the thought behind the gifts.  But, that still doesn't make it enjoyable to have to deal with that much stuff.  When I was a kid the gifts were smaller, so even if they were numerous it still wasn't overwhelming.  Getting several books and a few Polly Pocket sets wasn't overwhelming to a kid.  But, my extended family transitioned from '5 kids raised in a mill house' to 'professionals who are comfortable, with their grown, financially stable kids' and their ability to buy gifts increased accordingly.  For us, cutting back isn't about what we can afford, it's about what we can enjoy.  

For one of my kids this year, we're looking at subscription kits - international snacks, one based baking, another based on cooking international meals.  I don't know what we'll end up with, but probably one or more of them, depending on whether we end up buying for the grandparents.  We may shop the King Arthur flour company catalog and try some fun mixes and decorating supplies.  We'll enjoy trying new things together, and in the end all we'll have left is some recipe cards.  Still looking for something comparable for the other teen...

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, lmrich said:

Do the yankee swap - so fun.

This is the first time in my whole life that I have heard of such a thing as a "yankee swap." I don't know what it is, and don't feel like googling it, so can y'all splain it to me?

[Spryte]

This reminds me of the thread about sending unwanted flowers to a funeral: 

If a family specifies “no flowers” but an elderly relative absolutely “must” send flowers or feel incomplete because this is how they need to grieve, show support — that can create a burden on the already grieving family, and give them extra things to manage and do. It’s not really supportive, because it’s not a gift sent to support the family, it’s more of a gift for the giver, to assuage their feelings and show, somewhat publicly, their grief. 

That thread changed my thoughts on the topic, as in the past I’d always given a pass to our elderly relatives who felt they needed to send flowers no matter what. Now I take the time to explain to them why, if the family asks for donations to X charity, that really is the best thing to do, and guide them away from sending unwanted flowers.

Back to the holidays, there are plenty of compromises. I love the game idea — set up some games with small prizes, if you’re hosting. Or maybe give donations in their names, if that is acceptable to them. We are “adopting” a rhinoceros for DD this year — maybe a gift like that, included in an annual holiday card (not given with all the wrappings in an “exchange”) might feed your need to give, and also be low key enough for the recipients? And if you are giving at random times all year, maybe your “giving cup” will be full already. If that’s your love language, you can use it all year, not just at the holidays. Or you could ask about agreeing to only exchange consumables, or handmade (by the giver) items. The key is to talk.

Again, though, my understanding of love languages is that the their usefulness lies not in knowing what our own is, but in identifying our loved ones’ languages so we can better show them love. You’re hearing that your IL’s love language is not gifts. So the biggest holiday “gift” you can give them is to figure out their language and create something special for them out of that. If your language is truly “gift giving” then accept that this is the gift — speaking their language. You can fill your  material gift-giving itch all year long, in other ways.

 

[LuvToRead]

58 minutes ago, Tiger21 said:

But that's what you're saying when you tell a gift giver that they can't love you by giving gifts.  Your love language is more important than theirs.  It's a vicious circle of feeling unloved.      

 

AND FOR THE RECORD, I did say we were GOOD with not receiving gifts if that's not how they give love,  we understand they give love as "time" even if that isn't how we receive love.  

If I read the OP correctly, you have been ignoring you SIL's wishes for the past 3 years.  I'm sure she has felt unloved because of this.  If her gift is time and yours is gifts, in a perfect world you would spend time with her and she would reciprocate with a gift.  We don't live in a perfect world.  Sometimes we have to actually do what we don't want (or in this case not do what we want) in order to show someone else how much we love and appreciate them.  This is your opportunity to do that for your SIL.  

 

 

[Grace Hopper]

We alleviated this somewhat by doing name drawing, each person gives and receives only one gift (or a couple, according to the dollar limit we set). It’s a great compromise, for our family, at least. 
 

And I haven’t closely read every reply, I’ll mention this. In your assessment, all are blessed beyond measure. Well I am here to tell you that dh and I can appear to fall into what some would call that category. However, in recent years much of our cash flow has gone to some major medical and education expenses, and assisting our young adults in their weddings and getting established. Our cash flow is tight and carefully budgeted. It affects all the choices we make. I think it’s pretty assuming of you to tell others they must spend money to buy gifts for a whole bunch of people, to appease your “love language” (and I’ll leave that whole love languages discussion to another thread, should anyone be inclined to start one). 
 

If you feel compelled to gift give, do it. But not at a family gathering. That’s for show. Send quiet thoughtful gifts throughout the year. Be extravagant with your own nuclear family in the privacy of your own home. Send gifts to those truly in need - there are many outlets for such charity. 

[Matryoshka]

21 minutes ago, Ellie said:

This is the first time in my whole life that I have heard of such a thing as a "yankee swap." I don't know what it is, and don't feel like googling it, so can y'all splain it to me?

Really? Very popular here in Yankee-land.  Maybe you have another name for it.

Everyone brings a wrapped gift. There's often a price limit, say, $10.  Everyone draws numbers or counts down.  First person chooses a random gift and opens it. Second person does the same, then can decide to keep it or exchange for what person #1 has.  Person 3 opens a gift, and can keep or exchange for 1 or 2. And on down the line.  I think at the end first person may get to choose to swap, since they didn’t at the beginning? 

I've also seen the same thing with cookies/recipes, or ones where you bring stuff you're regifting instead of something you bought.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Matryoshka

[LuvToRead]

12 minutes ago, Matryoshka said:

Really? Very popular here in Yankee-land.  Maybe you have another name for it.

Everyone brings a wrapped gift. There's often a price limit, say, $10.  Everyone draws numbers or counts down.  First person chooses a random gift and opens it. Second person does the same, then can decide to keep it or exchange for what person #1 has.  Person 3 opens a fift, and can keep or exchange for 1 or 2. And on down the line.  I think at the end first person may get to choose to swap, since they didn’t at the beginning? 

I've also seen the same thing with cookies/recipes, or ones where you bring stuff you're regifting instead of something you bought.

We either call it White Elephant or Dirty Santa.  

I'm not a gift person but I do enjoy a White Elephant gift exchange.  There isn't any pressure to buy the perfect gift since I just buy what I think I would like to receive.  Plus you get the benefit of a fun game and spending time with others.

Edited November 15, 2022 by LuvToRead

[skimomma]

I am one who had suggested (unsuccessfully, FTR) that we stop exchanging gifts on both sides of my family.  It was (is still, actually....but less important to me now that we are empty-nested) out of control and such a huge focus of the season that everything else was being pushed out.  We have literally stopped at Goodwill on the way home after the holidays to drop off more than half of the gifts we received.  Not because they weren't thoughtful or because they did not fulfill someone's "love language" but because they literally would not fit in our home or car.  There were a whole string of years when I had a sobbing toddler/child on my hands because they were on house 2 and hour 7 of opening gifts on Christmas Day.....all while being expected to be polite, patient while each person opened their gifts, and socially grateful for each gift received.  It was so over the top that those same years, we (the parents) did not even buy gifts for our own nuclear family because it just added to the pile of stuff and time trapped waiting for presents to be opened....and the thing is, no one even noticed!  I just asked my grown dd if she ever noticed that mom and dad did not give her any Christmas presents between the ages of 2-10.  She had no idea.  She says she could never keep track of who gave her what after a few hours.  Hours.  Think about that.  Why are we spending hours of precious family time on consumerism and landfill fodder?

As I said, it didn't work and we eventually "aged out" of the parenting phase where it mattered.  But it made the holiday emotionally conflicting, guilt-inducing, and honestly ruined Christmas Day proper for many years until we decided to just opt out and stay home.  The gifts still rolled in but at a WAY lower volume and we were no longer trapped for hours doing a tradition we did not like, want, or even find ethical TBH.  Now that we are empty-nested, we have a quiet day at home with just our nuclear family.  We open one gift to/from each of us, which takes mere minutes, then spend the rest of the day delivering meals for the local senior citizen society, taking our annual Christmas walk to visit with local friends, and working on our annual puzzle.  No more sobbing toddlers.

In times of yore when people did not lose their minds over holiday gifting and no one ended up with huge piles of toys, I think the etiquette of always graciously receiving gifts was good advice.  I believe the etiquette rules need to change when grandparents and aunts and uncles think giving each child 10+ presents every single year is appropriate.  I am old school.  I still write TY notes and make my family members do the same.  I bring a (consumable) hostess gift when invited to dinner.  I look up what black tie means before attending that wedding.  But I draw the line here.  Times have changed and I believe people have a right to control how much and what kind of stuff ends up in their possession. 

All that to say that I never did figure out what the "right" answer was but when people are saying this, there is a reason and it is not just to stomp on someone's gift-giving love.  And no, they probably do not want gifts year round either!

 

[Matryoshka]

1 minute ago, LuvToRead said:

We either call it White Elephant or Dirty Santa.  

Yeah, I thought it might exist but go by a different name on parts of the country where "yankee" is a slur rather than a compliment on someone's thriftiness and resourcefulness. 🤣

[kirstenhill]

2 minutes ago, LuvToRead said:

We either call it White Elephant or Dirty Santa.  

I've never heard it called Yankee Swap except on the internet (Midwesterner here).  I've also heard it called White Elephant (whether they are actual "white elephant"-type gifts or not) or Dirty Santa.  I've also heard it just called a "gift exchange game" or even a "stocking stuffer game". 

Funny story...my kids go to an event every year that is a true "white elephant" exchange in that you have to regift something around your house, and really nothing is too ridiculous.  One kid was so excited that he came home with what he termed a "chandelier" (it was really just a dining room light fixture).  He was so excited about it and had a hard time being convinced that we really had no place to hang it up, and it was kind of an annoying thing to dispose of due to all the glass panes.  Now, whenever my kids are going to an event with any kind of "white elephant exchange game" of any kind, I say "What's the family rule?"  And they will chorus back "absolutely no bringing home any chandeliers".   😁

[Matryoshka]

32 minutes ago, LuvToRead said:

We either call it White Elephant or Dirty Santa.  

Yeah, I wouldn't know what those were unless you explained it to me.

[SKL]

Honestly I feel you.  And I feel them too.  😛

I was always the person who could be counted on to give gifts to every family and household member, right down to the step-grand-nieces' current temporary partners.  It was fun, but it was also awkward since nobody else was consistent, some couldn't afford to participate, some had way too much stuff, and I don't even know what those people like.  Especially people above a certain age, who have very specific tastes and interests, which I'd only know if I hung out with them.

So ... my mom led the charge, followed gradually by others - to only buy "for the kids."  I was the last holdout.  Finally I just started giving everyone Amazon cards so they can buy whatever they want/need.  I also still buy something small for my parents.

Some ideas I used for the transition:

• Buy wallets / credit card holders to hold the gift cards you're giving.
  • The first year, I also added a few cute wallet-sized extras such as combs, magnifier/light (for menu reading), multi-tools....
  • They also have these plastic puzzles where you have to solve the maze to get at the gift card.  That can work once for teens/young adults....
  • Some people might like it if you add small scripture cards, "wise saying" cards, wallet-sized kid photos, or similar.
  • "Wrap" the gift cards in a reusable bag to add value and a personal touch to the gift.
• Ask your family members to suggest experience gifts you can give their kids.  Last year, my sister was all "no gifts," but she gave me the name of a local movie theater her kids liked to go to.  I gave some gift certificates so they could take their friends, get some popcorn, whatever ... no clutter, no harm no foul.  😛
  • I also thought about going and taking her kids out myself, but I couldn't think of anything they and my kids would all enjoy.  However, that may be something you could consider.
• If your nuclear family still has young/cute members, find a neat way to package photos of your kids/pets.  Maybe a reusable electronic photo album or even a USB drive.  If your kids are young enough, package their artworks or let them buy or make a small gift for each family member.
• Prepare small consumables in festive packaging.  Cookies, hot chocolate bombs, or whatever.  They can't complain that you're cluttering their home with that.
• Send or bring one of those big Harry and David type goody gifts - with something for everyone, that folks can take home in pieces based on what they like.
• To be fair to younger kids, discuss an age when buying gifts should be phased out.  My sister and I agreed to buy gifts through the 8th grade.  That way she doesn't feel awkward with her family (younger than mine) being on the receiving end and not the giving end.  They were on the giving end when I had tots and they didn't.  We decided this in advance so our kids wouldn't have expectations / disappointments.

Edited November 15, 2022 by SKL

[Jean in Newcastle]

One more perspective.  Obviously different families have different cultures, but our extended family only got together on Thanksgiving and Christmas and on occasion,  Easter.  Buying gifts for extended family members who I essentially didn't really know intimately was difficult for me.  And they didn't know me either.  They didn't know what books I read or what hobbies I enjoyed etc.  And while I appreciated that they would get me a book because they (generically) knew that I liked reading or a dog item because they generically knew that I liked dogs, these really weren't always right because they didn't really know me.  Now friends and more intimate family members really do hit the spot with a gift that celebrates an inside joke or just the right thing for my needs but that's because they know me outside of these obligatory family get-togethers.

And because I can't resist, Christmas was never supposed to be about gifts in the sense of material things.  Jesus came as a gift, but it's more of a gift of service - the ultimate service leading up to His death on the cross.  Something that was even referenced in the gifts from the magi (the myrrh is used in embalming). 

[catz]

We've also done versions of yankee swap with dice.  I've also heard it called other things like white elephant.  This version linked and others using doubles as a trigger etc.  I don't know if "yankee swap" refers to one game in particular.  I've heard it used for any kind of game oriented gift exchange.

https://www.playpartyplan.com/dice-gift-exchange-game/#:~:text=The person who is rolling,if it's not already unwrapped

Anyway - it gets everyone engaged in the gift exchange for a lot longer than it otherwise would.  And there are always weird quirky items that end up being really popular and getting around to everyone, etc.  Like there was a jar of quail eggs that kept coming back to the swap over and over.  🤣 It is actually really fun!  

Edited November 15, 2022 by catz

[Ting Tang]

Our extended family does a gift exchange by drawing names, and you spend $50 on your person.  I don't find it necessary to exchange gifts, but having one adult makes it a bit easier in a larger family.  

The kids do the same with a $25 limit.  The only annoying thing is my sister-in-law sent an unsolicited gift list for their children without even asking what the other kids might like.  Like who sends out a want list without being asked....  Then again, they are weird. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Tiger21 said:

But that's what you're saying when you tell a gift giver that they can't love you by giving gifts.  Your love language is more important than theirs.  It's a vicious circle of feeling unloved.      

 

AND FOR THE RECORD, I did say we were GOOD with not receiving gifts if that's not how they give love,  we understand they give love as "time" even if that isn't how we receive love.  

Gently - giving gifts to people who have made a specific point to request you DO NOT give them gifts, can be seen as hostile and disrespectful. (I will assume there is more backstory here that you have not shared.)  It can make the recipient feel angry that they *feel* they are expected to give gifts back; no matter what you say otherwise.  It can breed antagonism and damage relationships.  Those gifts you insist on giving them, may go straight to the trash, or to goodwill.  Or sit around their house taking up space because they feel obligated to keep them (and reminding them every time they see it that you don't care that they've made a point to ask you to not give them gifts.).  That can also increase resentment and make them want to avoid you to reduce the opportunities for you to give them gifts.

 

can you do a baked good? or treats?  Or something edible that is inexpensive (under $20)

 

I've a friend whose brother is very successful - he doesn't need or want "stuff".  She makes him divinity.  The year she did something else, he wanted to know where his divinity was . . .